If you were in a long-term relationship with your ex (longer than 6 months) and your ex has left you for someone else, your ex essentially monkey-branched from one relationship to the next.
He or she left you for someone new and unknown and now wants to make it work with that person.
Before you go knocking on your ex’s doors and asking for another chance, you need to collect your thoughts and remind yourself that your ex chose to leave for someone else.
He or she left due to high attraction and temptations and won’t come back until his or her new relationship fails. I’m not saying your ex will come back for sure, but your ex will have to date that person and experience life without you.
That’s the only way your ex will be able to compare life before to life after and see if he or she has made a mistake.
I know you’re in a lot of pain right now, but you should do your best to avoid making the typical post-breakup mistakes. Your ex thinks that you’re not the right person to commit to at this moment, so you don’t want to annoy your ex and validate his or her reasons for leaving.
You need to keep your pride instead and show your ex that his or her betrayal doesn’t affect you. Remain strong even if you’ve already made some breakup mistakes and are struggling to cope with separation anxiety.
So if your ex left you for someone else and you’re wondering what you should do, don’t do what your heart tells you to do. Do that which is best for your image and try to prove to others, but mostly to yourself that you’ll be okay with or without your ex.
My ex left me for someone else. What do I need to know?
When your ex leaves you for someone else, it’s rarely a spontaneous decision. Dumpers tend to develop feelings before they decide to monkey-branch and leave their ex behind. They take their sweet time and make sure that the new person makes them feel good and excited.
This is why it’s safe to say that your ex’s new boyfriend or girlfriend had been in the picture for days, if not for weeks prior to the breakup.
He or she had probably been talking to your ex and getting to know your ex way before your ex was even your ex. Maybe your ex even told you that you have “nothing to worry about” and that you’re just being jealous and overly cautious, but that would imply that your ex was either deceiving you or clueless as to what he or she was doing.
No matter what happened, your ex had been conversing with this new person (possibly behind your back) and emotionally cheated on you. That’s something you must take seriously. You must think about it so that you don’t jump back into a relationship with your ex if/when you get a chance to do so.
Ask yourself whether your ex is even worth the wait and trouble—and if you can trust him or her again. Think about the pain your ex will make you feel if your ex breaks your heart again and leaves again.
One separation was probably enough because your ex doesn’t deserve your trust. At least not before he or she has earned your trust back.
So while you’re processing the breakup, try not to obsess over your ex’s good points and focus on the bad ones instead. If you give it enough thought, you’ll soon detach and see that your ex isn’t the person you thought he or she was.
Whether you like it or not, your ex is a cheater. And not all cheaters deserve a second chance. This is something the rules of no contact may help you understand better. I suggest that you follow them down to the t so you can keep your hope for the reconciliation low and your self-esteem high.
Your ex devalued you and left for someone else
When your ex left you for someone else, he or she no longer loved you. Your ex felt more attracted to the other person and decided to give that person a shot.
If your ex cared about your feelings, your ex would have at the very least ended your relationship and waited a few months before getting involved with other people. But, unfortunately, your ex felt no shame. Or at least not enough guilt and shame to do the morally right thing – which was to give you the respect you deserved.
Your relationship may not have been the most fulfilling relationship in the world, but at least you remained loyal till the very end. For that alone, you deserved to be broken up with like a decent human being and be given closure. But instead, your ex acted on limerence and didn’t think how his or her actions would affect you.
This means that your ex had all the chances in the world to pull back when your ex felt that he or she was starting to develop feelings for someone else.
But your ex chose not to do anything about it. Instead, your ex just went along with it until temptations got out of control and grew from cravings for attention to cravings for affection.
With that being said, here’s why your ex left you for someone else.
So if your ex left you for someone else, don’t sugarcoat the situation. Remember that your ex betrayed you in one of the worst ways possible and that you need to judge your ex for the way your ex is, not was. Think hard about your ex’s relationship mentality and whether you can work with a person like your ex.
Heck, you should probably even ponder about whether you want to be your ex’s friend when all of this is over.
Your ex had enough time to think about leaving you
People don’t make an immediate decision to start dating someone new right away. Especially not when the new person is a complete stranger they know nothing about. They need to know the man or woman at least a bit so they can form an emotional connection with him or her and start dating that person.
That’s why when an ex breaks up with you out of the blue, it’s evident that your ex has already gotten to know the new person. Your ex has attraction, feelings, and chemistry with the new person and isn’t thinking about you anymore.
Your ex is too busy enjoying the moment and planning a future without you in it.
Keep in mind that your ex would never kick you to the curb if your ex wasn’t 100% sure that he or she could date this new person.
Normally, by the time an ex breaks things off, he or she is already officially in a new relationship. It’s called monkey-branching from one romantic relationship to the next—and it’s something only people with poor impulse control and low moral values do.
You need to know that your ex has basically emotionally checked out of your relationship without telling you, and probably even exchanged flirtatious messages with this new person.
Such a person is a low-integrity coward. He or she showed you what he or she does when the relationship gets old and temptations become enticing and difficult to resist.
Always remember that your ex’s actions depict his or her personality. They show who your ex is as a person and most likely who your ex is going to be in the future.
Don’t mind the things your ex told you throughout the relationship. Your ex may have promised you the world, but your ex did that only because he or she felt good. Now that your ex is with someone else, your ex is probably doing the same to that new person.
It’s called love-bombing.
When your ex leaves you for someone else, you can be certain that your ex has thought about leaving you long and hard. But just because your ex contemplated leaving you for a while, this doesn’t mean that your ex has made a rational decision. People, especially cheaters tend to make emotional decisions.
It’s the emotions or the lack thereof that enable them to disconnect from their partners and connect with someone else. Emotions whether they admit it or not rule their decisions and actions (make them do stupid things). You need to understand that so you don’t think your ex is a one in a million kind of unicorn.
If your ex cheated and left you for someone else, your ex is just a regular pony. Actually, that would be an insult to ponies. Your ex is an emotion-driven mule.
Your ex disrespected you
If your ex left you for someone else, you feel deeply hurt, sad, and angry. You feel as if your ex has thrown everything away just to get a chance with a random person.
No matter how hurt and angry you are for trusting someone like that, do your best not to get so angry to take revenge on your ex. Revenge may not make you a cheater, but it won’t make you much better than your ex.
You must instead ask yourself, “Do I really want someone like my ex as my significant other? Is my ex the best I can find and deserve?”
If the answer is yes, you must not beg and plead with your ex. Begging will fall on deaf ears and cause your ex to respect you even less.
You need to understand that your ex holds all the cards right now and that the only thing left for you to do is to accept the breakup and leave your ex alone.
It’s okay if you feel lost and disorientated. You’re a human being with emotions after all.
It’s also okay if you tell your ex that you don’t want to be friends and that you are going to leave his or her life for a while.
But no matter what you do and don’t do, please understand that it’s never okay to call your ex names or to get revenge on your ex.
Retaliating in a nasty way will make you as bad as your ex. Maybe even worse.
When you learn that your ex has left you for someone else, you need to cut your ex off as soon as possible. The sooner you put an end to your ex’s breadcrumbing and confusing behavior, the sooner you’ll regain the sanity and identity your ex has destroyed.
Just make sure to treat your ex better than he or she has treated you. That will disassociate you from your ex and later (when you’re over your ex) give you the satisfaction of knowing that you handled the breakup better than your ex.
Right now, it probably feels like the new person is better than you and that you’re not good enough for your ex, but that’s not the case. It’s the other way around because your ex is a cheater and doesn’t deserve you.
The best thing you can do is to go indefinite no contact and be prepared to stay in no contact forever. You probably don’t want to leave your ex alone forever because you’re afraid of never hearing from your ex again, but that’s all you can do right now.
No contact is the only technique that will rebuild your self-esteem and hopefully make your ex realize your worth.
So if maximizing your chances of reconciliation is what you’re after, leave your ex alone and focus on yourself. Do this even if you’re extremely anxious and want to stay friends with your ex. As long as you’re hurting, your priority needs to be your health. You can be friends later – once you’ve healed.
Should I stay in no contact for 30 days?
You’ve probably visited blogs that promote the 30-day no contact rule. The idea behind those sites is that you must disappear for 30 days and then message your ex with positive reminders from the past. Nostalgic messages are supposed to hit your ex’s weak points and force him or her to come running.
Some ex-back coaches claim that 30 days is enough time for your ex to stop resenting you/improve his or her perceptions of you and consider coming back.
But the truth is that breaking no contact after 30 days will only push your ex further away. It will show that you feel threatened and that you can’t handle being on your own.
That’s why 30 of no contact is not enough for your ex to miss you and want to be with you again. It’s just something the internet has come up with to prey on the broken-hearted.
So avoid additional heartbreak and stay in no contact longer than that. Stay in it as long as you’re hurt and depend on your ex for recognition.
Stay in no contact!
You must be prepared to start no contact and stay in it until your ex reaches out and expresses a wish to get back with you. That’s when you can talk to your ex again and see if it’s possible to grow strong together.
But until that happens, you just can’t reach out to your ex first. You can’t disrupt your ex’s space and your own healing process.
This is especially true if your ex left you for someone else and disrespected you beyond belief. When your ex leaves you for someone else, you need to take a giant step backward and assess your situation.
You need to understand that your ex stopped seeing a future with you and that your ex needs to learn his or her lessons the hard way – by dating someone else and failing with him or her.
So as difficult as the breakup has been for you, don’t try to reach out ahead of time – while your ex is still discovering whether the grass is greener on the other side.
Contacting your ex prematurely will send your ex a message that you’re still extremely attached and that he or she can take the time to see what else is out there.
This is why you need to maintain no contact at all costs. No contact is difficult and can feel like it’s dragging on forever, but if you don’t take it seriously, your ex won’t take you seriously either. Your ex will see your weaknesses and might even take advantage of them.
Your ex had cheated on you, so you know that your ex is capable of a lot of things.
That’s why you now need to focus on healing and demonstrating that you will not allow your ex or anyone else for that matter to treat you in such a disrespectful way ever again. You need to show that you’re stronger than you used to be and that you understand your worth better than ever before.
Do you really want your ex back?
You now know that when your ex leaves you for someone else, your value significantly drops. You become just an ex whom your ex couldn’t grow stronger with. You become someone your ex wants to leave behind and forget about.
But that’s okay!
Your ex isn’t the only person in the world you can be happy with. On the contrary, there are millions of people you can be happier with. You just need to detach a bit for rationality to return to you. That’s when you’ll see that your ex’s opinion of you doesn’t define you.
Your own perception of yourself is all that matters. And you need to work on it so you can accept the breakup, get out of denial, and fall back in love with yourself. If you don’t fall in love with yourself, you can’t expect your ex to love you or even like you.
Your ex will treat you no better than you treat yourself. That’s the way this world works.
Have you ever heard of the phrase, “How you treat yourself, others will treat you?” I bet you have. It means that when you don’t value yourself, your ex won’t value you either. Your ex will think he or she has made the right decision and that it’s time to move forward with life.
But that’s why no contact is so effective. It shuts your ex out of your life and makes you mysterious. Mystery makes your ex wonder about you and might eventually cause your ex to reach out. You need to stay strong until your ex’s new relationship gets old and/or boring and starts facing issues because that’s when your ex will compare the two relationships and ponder about you in a better light.
I know it can be excruciatingly painful to feel so replaced by this new person and that you’re probably thinking to yourself things like, “He is so much better than me, he has a better job, a nicer car, and is more outgoing.”
You’re either thinking that this person is better—or perhaps the opposite – that he or she is worse and that he or she can’t even compare to you. These kinds of thoughts occur because you feel confused and threatened and want to be the only person who receives your ex’s affection.
If this is what you’re hoping for, know that it’s “normal” to crave what this new person has. You used to get love on a daily basis, so you’re still withdrawing from it. Whatever you do, don’t compare yourself to this new person, though.
You have absolutely nothing to gain by comparing yourself to someone who’s not even competing with you.
You need to realize that what you see and hear about your ex’s new partner is mostly superficial. It takes 4 – 6 months for them to get to know each other. That’s how long it will take them to see if they’re compatible and if it’s worth pursuing their relationship.
Of course, they could prolong their relationship even if they’re not good for each other as some couples do that. But that’s why you must stay away from them and mind your own business. You just don’t know what’s going on with their relationship, and you don’t need to know.
But let me assure you that if a shiny car and a great job were all it took to stay happily married, there would be no divorces. People would be able to make their relationships work simply by wanting to make them work. But that’s not how it works.
New couples appear new only while they’re new.
When they get to know each other, they see each other’s bad points and see a more realistic picture. They see that the person they’re dating isn’t perfect and that they have some adjustments to make. If they can and are willing to make those adjustments, they make it past the infatuation phase and fall in love.
And if they can’t, they hit a roadblock and become at risk of breaking up.
Will my ex rebound and want me back?
If you were a nice person, didn’t argue much, and contributed to your ex’s happiness, chances are that your ex will realize he or she has made a grave mistake and come back.
Just because your ex left you for someone else, doesn’t mean that the same or something worse can’t happen to your ex.
As a matter of fact, your ex could get dumped, hurt, and come running back for validation and all the reasons you can think of. The only problem with this is that your ex may not return because of love and regret. Your ex could come back just to patch his or her wounds and take what he or she can from you.
The reason for that is that dumpers are often too selfish and caught up in their own world to reflect. They need to go through something very painful and self-esteem-breaking to lower their pride and change their ways.
So if your ex has left you for someone else, keep in mind that your ex must learn to forgive you as well as himself or herself. Your ex must understand that cheating says bad things about a person and come back to reassure you it will never happen again.
Bear in mind that an ex who wants you back would not control the reconciliation. He or she would happily let you take charge and follow your instructions. It’s important that you stay in control for a while after getting back together so your ex doesn’t take you for granted and leaves when an opportunity presents itself.
Why do dumpers come back?
Dumpers sometimes come back. But as we’ve mentioned earlier, they often come back for the wrong reasons – for themselves.
Some exes come back when their rebound relationship fails horribly and others when they get treated badly by their new partners and life in general and want a familiar and reassuring shoulder to lean on.
That’s when they come running back, apologizing, and asking for another chance. You need to be prepared for that so you don’t accept your ex back on the spot.
Even though your ex may finally see your worth and be ready to treat you the way he or she needed to treat you months or years ago, you need to keep in mind that your ex may just be acting on anxiety and doesn’t really want you for who you are.
Your ex may just need you to lower pain and anxiety and make himself or herself feel better.
It’s safe to say that dumpers simply don’t return because they’re happy with their new lives. They come back because they’re suffering and want the suffering to end.
The best person who can help them with that is their dumpee ex. He or she has been the last person to help them, so all they have to do is pick up their phone and say they’re sorry. That’s how they can distract themselves and get over the issues life threw at them.
So if your ex left you for someone else, bear in mind that your ex might one day come running back to you because you were the only person who cared about your ex as selflessly as possible. You were the man or woman who stayed committed until your ex took you for granted, cheated on you, and broke your heart.
One thing you need to remember though is that when your ex broke up with you, your ex was nowhere to be seen. He or she was enjoying his or her life without you and was busy dating that new person. That means that when/if your ex wants you back, you need to take things slow and let your ex prove his or her worth.
You mustn’t take your ex back as if nothing happened otherwise nothing will change. Your ex will remain the same behavior-wise and could cheat on you or leave you for someone again.
If you think about dumpers’ behavior, you’ll understand that exes always come back to take from the relationship. They want to feel safe and reassured like they did in the past.
Your job as a dumpee is to make your ex work extra hard for your trust so that he or she learns to appreciate you again and invest in you.
When your ex leaves you for someone else and comes back later, you must show incredibly high self-esteem by setting new rules and standards.
Set your conditions so high that the dumper is going to feel that failing to reach your expectations could lead to romantic rejection and pain.
How do I get back with an ex who’s left me for someone else?
I deliberately left the best for one of the last points, because I know most people want their ex to come back at least to validate them. They want to know that their ex finds them worthy of love and that they aren’t bad romantic partners and people.
So without further ado, if you’re wondering how to make your ex want you back after he or she has left you for someone else, the answer is don’t seek validation.
When you don’t seek validation from your ex and remain strong and confident, you can make your ex doubt his or her decision for leaving you. You can make your ex think that you don’t need him or her to be happy and that you’ve got what it takes to deal with the breakup blues.
This on its own won’t bring your ex back, of course, but it will make your ex respect you. It will make your ex see that you’re in control of your life and that you’re focusing on yourself.
And how will that help you?
It will prevent your ex from destroying your worth in his or her eyes and enable your ex to crave intimacy again. But for your ex to want intimacy, your ex’s new relationship will have to fail first. When it does, your ex could want someone strong, confident, and reliable near him or her for support.
So if you’re trying to make yourself look better in front of your ex’s new partner, forget it. You’ll never look better because your ex is likely going through the love phase with that person and can’t see your worth. Your ex will see your worth when your life is going well and your ex’s isn’t.
You should also not strive to make your ex feel guilty and ashamed. Such emotions won’t make your ex come back. They’ll force your ex to run away and enable your ex to attach even worse emotions to your persona.
So if your ex cheated on you and left you for another person, bear in mind that your ex is going through the 6 stages of a rebound relationship.
Because your ex thinks that someone new is better suited for him or her, you don’t have a choice right now but to accept the breakup and stay far away from your ex. If anything makes your ex want to be with you again, it’s space, peace, and quiet.
No contact is powerful
When you follow no contact, you indirectly show that you care about yourself more than your ex and that you won’t give your ex a hard time just because he or she treated you poorly.
You show that your life is more important than your ex and that life goes on with or without your ex.
If you don’t do no contact and stay in touch, your ex will think that he or she can get back with you any time and every time. Your ex will assume that you want him or her back and that all he or she has to do is snap his or her fingers.
Call it deceitful if you will, but your ex must not think that you still want him or her back. Dumpers don’t want what they can have. They secretly want to fight for something they can’t have or really want to have. And so does your ex. Right now, your ex is fighting for the new relationship because that relationship makes him or her feel good.
It distracts your ex, empowers your ex, and most importantly, makes your ex’s happy hormones go crazy.
But as time goes on, your ex will stop feeling elated and reach a more calm, neutral stage of a new relationship. That’s when your ex’s relationship will go through the make it or break it phase.
What if I don’t want my ex back anymore?
Even if months go by, you’ll probably still want your ex back. A few months are not enough for you to get over your ex and not want your ex’s validation anymore. Most dumpees get over the breakup about 8 months or so after the breakup.
This depends on the intensity, length, and complexity of the relationship.
But time in no contact will either help you detach completely and find someone better or if you can’t find someone better, keep your ex as an option.
Since breakups are so hard they could kill you, you will likely want your ex to validate you and come back.
You will crave your ex’s love and attention so that you can get a boost of happy hormones and feel secure and happy with yourself again.
This means that your ex-addiction is likely going to stay present for quite some time.
And if so much time goes by that you realize you don’t want your ex back anymore because your ex has treated you terribly, then it’s probably for the best.
Leaving an ex who treated you poorly behind takes courage and is the right thing to do.
Invest in yourself
Now you know that there is nothing you can do directly to get back with an ex who’s left you for another person. You can’t beg, threaten, play jealousy games, and talk to your ex’s family to get another chance.
This doesn’t, however, mean that there is no work to be done.
There is always something to work on in no contact. Whether it’s correcting your shortcomings, making new friends, getting a better job, participating in more activities, or doing something that moves your life in a positive direction, you must stay busy.
This post-breakup time certainly isn’t the time to stay still and wait for things to change. By all means, grieve and do what it takes to get back on your feet. But once you deal with the shock of the breakup, start living your life again.
Staying active will return your strength and make you feel glad to be alive.
So always remember to stay busy. That way, you’ll get over your ex as quickly as possible and maximize your chances of reconciliation.
Did your ex leave you for someone else? How did your ex do it? Let us know below the post.
And if you want to talk to us about it privately, sign up for coaching with us here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hey Zan – it all happened 4 months ago, my ex and I were together for 2 years, I had liked him for almost 5 years at that point (crazy I know) but I was so in love and so was he. He got a new job and had been working there for a year and I was so happy for him but In the last month of our relationship my ex said he had lost feelings for that whole month, he told me this on the day we broke up. I was devastated, I really struggled and I still struggle to this day because it all seemed to add up to me. He had been talking to this lady from work for roughly a month before we had broke up, the month he said he had lost feelings. They would talk from the moment he woke up to the moment he would fall asleep, I never thought anything of it as they were just friends he kept telling me, but he broke up with me. To get over him I blocked him on all social media but we have a lot of mutual friends so it was never an easy task to block him out completely. These friends would tell me what’s going on in his life and that he’s now (not officially I don’t think) but seeing this girl, the one he left me for and I’m just so confused how he could throw 2 years worth of feelings down the drain for someone he was talking to for a month or less… he’s an extremely insensitive person so reaching out for closure seemed
Almost impossible no matter how many times I tried, I just need advice please, I’m begging
Hi Aoife.
Your ex lost feelings for you because he gained feelings for that woman. He’s incapable of loving two people at the same time so it’s only natural for him to fall for someone new and exciting.
You must understand that your ex is far from innocent. He fancied that girl’s attention for so long that it would be nearly impossible for him not to develop feelings for her. We could say that your ex had poor relationship mentality. He just wasn’t committed enough so he lost sight of that which is important.
He basically threw it all away because he took you for granted. It’s what weak-minded people do when they don’t express gratitude often enough.
Leave him alone and stay in no contact. It’s your best and only chance.
Kind regards
Zan
Hi Zan, I started dating my ex 4 years ago, and stayed together for 1.5 years. We broke up because I cheated on him since I didn’t feel like I was in love. I’m 2 years older than him and back then (he was 18, I was 20) I felt like he was too inmature and that we were too different and had to experience life on our own. He is in my sports team so we’ve been friends for almost 10 years, and he is the son of my dad’s best friend, so he is very present in my life.
The thing is, 9 months after breaking up, we became very good friends again and he reached out to me and wanted me back (June 2017). I didn’t want us to date again but agreed on being in a “friends with benefits” relationhsip. Though it never worked properly as that since feelings were always involved. First, he was the one wanting more, and after a year of being friends with benefits, to my surprise, I was the one having very intense feelings towards him. We gave each other a break from August to December 2018 since I left to study abroad, but as soon as I got home the situation kept going, and 2019 has been a roller coaster… 2-3 months being pretty much in a commited relationship, then a month where he was really cold… I eventually realised this was being really toxic and consuming me, and in May I told him I wanted all of this to end.
I spent a couple of months on my own trying to figure out my feelings. Now he is 21 and Im 23. Did I really love him or I just wanted someone? Was I feeling like I had to fix what went wrong in the past? Was I living with the romantic idea that what we were meant to be together and it would eventually happen if we kept fighting for it?
I eventually realised I was in love with him. I wanted to be with him and was ready to accept him fully, respect him, value him and be in a commited relationship again. I felt like the problem we had in the past 2 years of on and off / friends with benefits was that we hadn’t agreed on being a couple, we were something in the middle which was destructive.
The 15th of July, 2 days before leaving to Thailand for a 1 month yoga and mindfulness retreat (I’ve been working on myself a lot for the past 2 years, and it’s still a lifelong process) I went to tell him everything that I was feeling: that I always came back to him, loved him and wanted to give us another chance. I was ready for rejection, but to my surprise he wanted to be together again aswell. I was so happy I can’t explain, I felt like finally being honest with myself and expressing how I felt had payed off. We spend that day together and it was amazing… then I left to Thailand.
It felt weird because he wasn’t reaching out to me as much as I know he does when he is interested in someone, but I was busy there and working on myself so I was fine with texting eachother just a little bit every day and waiting until I got back to properly rebuild the relationship. I was really excited since I feel I’m so much more aware of what I want and how I feel and how people deserve to be treated and how to love unconditionally, I really wanted to make things work.
2 weeks in my trip he sent me a voice note saying he is not coping well with the fact of being in a relationship… he didn’t know why he was changing his mind, but felt like the best option for us would be to just stay friends, that he didn’t want to lose me, but he simply didn’t feel ready for a relationship in general… that he might regret it but was feeling like this was the best… All this kind of stuff. I told him I understood and that we would talk about it when I got back.
2 weeks later I get back. Pretty scared but hoping that we can talk and work it out. And he tells me: well something actually changes everything… I have a partner. You can imagine my face of incredulity. He told me she is the big sister of a little girl she was coaching in the summer camp, who was coming to pick the little sister up,and that they had been together for a week. So a week after telling me he didn’t want to be with me. Even though he didn’t tell me, I can imagine he basically started being interested in her when she was seeing her pick up the little sister, started talking, and when he saw the option of being in a commited relationship with her, sent me the voice note and went for it with this new girl (she is 18!). He even told me he was in love with her, after a week. I have so much love for him, I couldn’t get mad. He asked me to support him in this when I feel like I am ready. We both cried and I know he appreciates me a lot, but not in the way that I want, not in the way I thought he did.
Now it’s been 2 months since that and he is going strong with her, and happy as I can tell. I even met her this week since she came to cheer our sports team up. She is cute and nice and I’m happy for him. I genuinely want him to be happy though I rationally think he didn’t treat me well, and didn’t respect me. I want the best for him but I’m upset because I wanted to be the one he would share his happiness and dreams with. And I wanted to make things right.
It’s frustrating… and difficult because I see him 3-4 times a week and we have many friends in common. And it hurts.
I wish he would come back but I see him going strong with her it makes me think maybe they are meant for each other…And on the other side I think he is the one that gave up on me so I shouldn’t want him back… but I do. I kind of hope he will realise my worth and will love me like he used to.
I don’t know what to do because I find myself thinking that I should move on, but not wanting to. And it makes me unhappy and feeling inferior because I see him happy and moving on and I’m stuck with him in my head when he is loving someone else.
Hi Irina.
Thank you for waiting for my reply.
Right now, your best option is to cease all contact with your ex and get over him. When you do, you will have a clearer picture of everything that’s happened between the two of you over the years. You will realize that things haven’t been working out for the most part—hence the numerous on an off relationships.
Your ex is aware of this as well, so as difficult as it was for him, he had to focus on himself and lose hope in you for his own sake. He was left devastated multiple times as well so he now needs to try his luck with someone new. It’s the healthiest thing for him to do because he knows your relationship has had many ups and downs.
As for his happiness, you don’t know what’s going on within the actual relationship. All you see is the facade. Since she’s 18, my guess is that she’s far from ready to be in a mature relationship.
It took you a long time to get to where you are so thinking she can naturally get to where you are is absurd. She, just like every human being has to work hard to become a mature, self-aware individual so leave their relationship to go whichever way it’s meant to go.
And if it ends and your ex wants to try with you again, he will let you know.
Until then, stay in no contact and get over him.
You’re probably hurt from him dating someone new when you finally got your thoughts together, but this doesn’t change the fact that you’re idolizing your ex and falling in love with the person he is yet not.
Stay strong.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan, thank you very much for taking the time to give me your advice, it means a lot!
It makes perfect sense and even some things you said (that he now needs to try his luck with someone new) are things he told me himself.
What I wonder now is: how do I cease contact with him? He is my sports coach this year, so I see him in training 3 times a week, and we will even travel together to some competitions with other team members. The thing is I’m very open, cheerful and friendly, and I don’t know how to behave with him. Should I try to ignore him when I can? Should I act colder when he talks to me? Right now I feel weird and not myself when he adresses me, and don’t know if I should keep it cold or try to be cheerful as I am naturally (but maybe this wouldn’t give him the feeling that he has lost me).
And how do I really know if I’m over him?
Thank you again for your help
Sorry there’s something I forgot to add. I’m reading many of your other posts but I don’t really know in which situation me and my ex stand. What I mean is that I don’t know if your posts about “Rebound relationships” or “Your ex leaving you for someone else” relate to my situation since I don’t know if my ex’s new girlfriend is a rebound or because of the many on an offs we had over 2 years he was already over me when he started dating this girl.
So I don’t know how I should adress this aspect of the situation.
Hi again, Irina.
It doesn’t matter what label you put on their relationship. Just think of it as a normal relationship if it helps.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Irina.
I understand your confusion.
Instead of turning cold, try to be your regular self.
Try to focus more of your attention on your team members instead of on him.
You can’t cease contact with him unless you change teams. So have limited contact with him as if he’s someone you need to work with to get good results. Everything else will fall in place over time.
You’ll know you’re over him when you feel happier with just yourself.
Best,
Zan
Hi Irinia,
I resonated with a lot of the things you wrote about. I’m also curious as to how you are doing now since it’s been a few months since you wrote about this. I feel the same way for a lot of the things you wrote about.
My “relationship” ended with someone I really really loved and tried so much with. This person kept distancing themself from me but would still talk to me and convinced me he cared about me a lot. We rekindled things a bit after he ended it for a month. Once I saw him again, he told me all these things like that he loved me, that I was his girl at the end of the day, and even a talk about a baby. The week later, I tried to talk to him about our situation but he was just not having it. He was being really cold to me and basically just told me he had too much going on and it was best if I left him alone. I saw him one more time after that and things were just completely off. He was different and I could tell something was wrong. It wasn’t until later that I found out he actually started seeing his friend’s friend, a person he told me was just a friend. This person was in a relationship but my assumption is that once her relationship ended, they took a chance and now it looks like they’re happier than ever. It looks like they’re really meant to be together and that’s the part that kills me the most, because I tried so hard with him. All I wanted was the same attention and that title but instead he’s given it to her and I’m just having a difficult time in accepting that. It’s a hard pill to swallow when you see someone you love try so hard with someone else because it messes with your self-worth. It makes you doubt yourself and think “why couldn’t they do that with me?” Anyways, I’m just really curious as to how you’re doing, if and how you managed to overcome those negative thoughts because I’m still struggling and it’s about to be 3 months since I last saw him.
Thank you,
Blu
Hi Blu,
First of all, big hug. I completely feel you and know it can get really hard and painful.
Nevertheless, I’m happy to tell you I’m in a completely different phase now. For me, what has worked is taking full responisbility for everything that’s happened to me and stop playing the victim. This doesn’t mean I blame myself but I simply own what my beliefs and assumptions created since I didn’t know any better.
I realized that, in my life, I always felt unworthy of true love. And I tought that it was difficult to find and to maintain. So when my relationship started deteriorating I started having many thoughts of doubt, fear and insecurity, thus I was constantly experiencing more things that would make me feel like this. I expected him to not treat me how I wanted so that’s what happened until the ultimate collapse was him completely replacing me.
Now I clearly see how my assumptions created what happened. Because when we dated for 1.5 years I never doubted about him loving me so that’s how he showed up.
Now I’m reconstructing my self-concept entirely: how I view myself, what I think is possible for me, what I think I deserve… And I’ve found peace in the small things I already have in my life. Having a boyfriend, right now, would ADD to my happiness, but it wouldn’t BE my happiness.
I’m focusing on myself and on feeling this power of knowing I’m in control of how I feel and what I experience. And I’m building new beliefs around everything in my life. And (this is really important) I stopped focusing on ANYTHING that I don’t want: so the new girfriend, is he happy, what are they doing… whatever. Seriously. I focus on me, my career, my hobbies, my personal growth and the people in my life.
Now I know that I deserve the best relationship I could ever dream of, and I can be the one who feels safe and secure in a relationship, no matter my past. So I’m open to receive whatever is best for me: someone new, or the upgraded version of my ex who is sure about being with me and treats me right.
Meanwhile, I enjoy life and take care of myself 🙂
I recommend you to analyze your beliefs around yourself, relationships, how people treat you… and then define what you want to experience from now on, and TRUST that you are going to get it. And then relax and keep living your life.
And don’t be hard on yourself becaue it’s a process. Don’t feel bad for feeling bad. Just accept it and work from there. I was playing the victim until January. But taking responisbility and working on my self worth really made the whole situation shift.
Good luck!
Irina
Dated this girl for 4 years and we broke up which was mutual because we were both unhappy. I was depressed and put a lot of my happiness on her. I was depressed because she was constantly talking to other men and made me feel like shit. We were supposed to go to australia but we ended right before it. She had friends out there (didnt have many in our town so she made most of her friends online) so I just told her to go and have a good time. I ended up reaching out after about 40 days of no contact and said I hope shes doing okay and I hope she had a good time and she was kind of cold. I reached out again to get my money back from the trip and we got to talking and she dropped the ball that she was seeing somebody else and that hes a good man and they hit it off and I was hurt but I told her I was happy for her. She met someone in australia and now they’re dating and made it official once she told me because she wanted to “respect” my feelings. Shes getting a working holiday visa for the year there so shell be with him all year in 2020. I happy for her but I’m also mad because she gave me hope that if I worked on myself we could get back together. I’m mad because she wont pay me back but will save 5k to live there for him. I was caring, loving and supportive of everything she did and I was always there through her mental breakdowns. I was the only one really trying in the relationship for the last 2 years. I believe this was planned and they were talking before we broke up. We had a 5 year difference and I work a full time job and she was a server with no education so our schedules were opposite. I think shes stuck in the state of having fun and didnt want to be tied down but at 28 I didnt want to be tied down either. I dont think I’ll ever hear from her again so it hurts. We had our ups and downs like every relationship but I dont think the issues I had caused me to treated like I was replaceable. She is the type of person to go from relationship to relationship since she hasn’t been single in almost 10 years. I’m just wondering if shell ever reach out.
Hi Tyler.
She will probably reach out when her new relationship is facing difficulties.
Stay in no contact and don’t reach out again.
Best regards,
Zan
Ok… I met a girl online, started talking, I became her dearest friend, her words exactly… We shared our lives, secrets, activities, she was hurt… I made her smile again after everything she’d been through… I was there for her… I fell in love, never met… kinda long distance… I told her I loved her, she said i couldn’t… she likes me a lot but as a friend… anyway, we got closer… ups and downs… I was there, until, it became weird, she wasn’t as available anymore… I chased… but also didn’t want to appear clingy… turned out she was talking to someone else… a few months into our relationship she started… tried living a double identity… knew she had to tell me, but couldn’t… i was there, staying the same, for her… well, all this without having met yet… we were really close… it lasted for 5+ months… until one day, she told me… she met a guy who she really, really likes… my heart was shattered, I entered a breakup, stage one, shock… being left for someone else… who, in my mind had nothing better, except her… it hurt… anyway… I stayed, writing long messages about what she meant, basically, going through breakup… that happened 3 months ago… I was clingy, for a month, trying to hold on, lowering my self esteem, and boosting hers… she told me, I was never more than a friend, she’d never be my girlfriend… we can be friends… I knew I couldn’t be a friend… even tho we had some emotional bonding, a lot, that’s what tied her to me for so long still… and we understood each other… never having met tho… long distance… talking daily… it hurt, having another guy rubbed into my face… I made a ton of rookie mistakes… anyway, I eventually went no contact… for a few days, until I lost it, I had to talk… so, I snapped… well, I did it again, for a few weeks, until she reached out, asking me how I was doing, said she was great… I said not good. That I missed her, she said, oh… and, left… well, few weeks later, same story, only, I said I wasn’t to bad, but didn’t feel too good tho… same thing… couple weeks, till she reached out again, basically testing the waters… seeing if i was still there… I keep making the same mistake, while she gets closer to him, left for him during honeymoon stage… anyway, last time she reached out, actually, I did… kinda just talking a bit… she asked how I was doing, I said, not too bad, so good… anyway, we talked a bit… and, boom, no contact for 3 weeks again… anyway, today, I called her, first time tbh… got cut off 4 times, 5th time she picked up, n hung up on me…😆 I shouldn’tve called… anyway… I said I just wanted to talk… texted her, she siad she wasn’t home… now, I wish I hadnt… what do I do now?
I kinda don’t care if we get together or not… all I want is outta this shit… I’ll take what comes… if it’s her, I’ll have to make her work for it, earn my trust… come to me first… she tried saying I was just a friend, maybe I was, maybe not, but my heart broke, hearing about some other guy… I kinda learned… and am learning. Hence the rookie mistakes… I still feel for her… only… idk whether to move on… or stay… idk… I wanna move on, but I’m leaving a piece of me behind… support please…
Here we go:
I dated a woman I fell madly in love with off and on for 4 years. She left me several times for other “adventures” and always came back saying I was the “one.” Then, she met someone while living in another state and quickly moved in with him. After a few months, she reached out saying she made a mistake and wanted to come home and start a life with me. She insisted she would break it off but did not for over a year while she came to visit and flew me to visit her while he was away. Finally, she took a trip to Asia to clear her head and told me while she was gone that I was her soulmate and she had to come home to start a life with me. That we would work on trust and our issues and grow together. She said he never wanted to see the other guy again. When she got back, I became suspicious after a few days and checked her phone, only to find not only did he come to Asia to be with her, they were still exchanging naked photos and talking all the time. I blew up, told her to get lost, and she begged and pleaded to forgive her. She rented a house in my area and moved back here. I eventually forgave her and said she needed to prove her trust to me. She never really did, after saying she would. She said he was manipulative and emotionally abusive and a narcissist. She joked him and said he was so selfish. Then, we went on a trip to a special place of ours and I had to leave early while she stayed for work (teaches yoga). She said I was her soulmate there and she wanted to marry me as she has before She came back saying she missed the other guy and was miserable and missed her life with him and in the other state. So I told her to go there and have closure. She said while gone she didn’t even know if she would see him. She came back saying they did see each other and were going to try and work it out. I then found out not only are they “working it out” but she is moving back there and they are going to buy and live in a van together (were outdoorsy). I then found out after I left our special place and she was saying how manipulative he is, that he flew there and stayed with her only a few days after me. I snapped, freaked out. We haven’t spoken much but she has emailed me saying how much she loved me and is sorry and I will be an incredible partner for the right person…. we then agreed to talk and have closure with gratitude and remorse in a month.
All I can think is this person is so much better than me. Our sex was generally amazing but once I stopped trusting her it became stale. She is a very sensual woman who likes to have wild sex. I do too, but with someone I trust. He helps support her business and who by taking photos of her…. all I can think is I am just lesser than…..
What the fuck do I do. I know she was t great to me but i genuinely miss her when she wasn’t doing all this. How do I approach the meeting? Not sure if I want her back but I don’t want her to leave so quickly and abandoned us. The plan was to work it out or at least try…. she didn’t she just went back to him. Tough for me to handle right now as my dad is very sick.
What do I do? Should I expect her to come back in months after I let her go? I’m pretty sure she’ll marry him. Help!
Correction from first post on typos – this reads better !
Mitchell – I could take your story, which in part your side is his side right now – and same issues on you ex chick your having the meeting, I feel like mike Is having a similar situation or going through same with his new women or love . as like Your story sounds like how the guy Mike in my story (my unrequited love) is going through right now with the last chick he ghosted on me with & started his affair with a girl let’s call her Herleia (airline stewardess AA- also use to be a friend of mine) which had to take process during the time we were together.
She flys across skies, lived in Az, also had another guy, keeping secrets and so that would be mikes LDR he kept a secret or they both did. After something came to light later. Found out when he left outta town it was her flying him out to see her.
Instead of the main guy being you Mitchell let’s say his name is Mike. Mitchell –
That’s the present day. I wonder if his dad is sick too ..hope karma kicks in but that’s mean for me to say
Back up a bit!!
Except in this story the main girl is me who met this guy name Mike. Divorce, two kids. Ran into by accident Twice. 10 years ago. Who was like no other guy and actually first guys she allowed to break her walls which lead Into a situation relationship that I didn’t want – because for the first time on my life I had fallen in love – not knowing how to go about it and not wanting to put pressure, I keep my love for him a secret keep my feeling to self. Outta fear!!
But we – shared a bond like no other with – shared secrets with, shared past hurts, shared our story, past relationships, discussed what I don’t want and do want in a relationship- the experience there – bond was there – but Mike never communicated on commitment – I didn’t pressure him because we both were at a place in our life.
But there was sex, (I didn’t kiss- at first – that vane later in the years) although I wanted to but felt that would be personal and plus never kissed a guy and didn’t know how – waited for him to lead ) our sex life was wild & we both got intimate that way.
After getting to know him more found out we had mutual friends and he was related by family to some close friends I had hung around with back them.
Life was fun and happy and new – I just knew I met my soul mate.
Then it stopped – he told me he started seeing someone and wanted to pursue her.
That Women #1 he ghosted on me
I was shock hurt, but back then I was tough be because expected this from guys. So I put on my tough girl pants.
However when he left me the 1st time in 2010 after meeting a women 1 – he ghost and everyday calls and chats stop.
I let him go. Went on with life. was sad. But I wasn’t too deep in then . He seem happy. So figure oh well. I wasn’t looking for a relationship , until met him and what an experience- I wanted to find that now got a taste and figured at at least I’d experienced something new later . On with my life I go.
Wish I could go back there and kept going.
That relationship with women # 1 failed – he reaches back out to me maybe a year or 8 months later – she left him and married a mutual friend they shared. Dumped him on his birthday – he didn’t forgive her. He shared this later later after we got back.
We started hanging out again ..my best friend was back and I was more ever in love . And happy. This was new. And I was loving every second.
This time I was scared of what I was feeling and didn’t know how to control the emotions and they made me feel weird since new to this then. and did not want to tell him not wanting him to leave or ghost or thinking if he wanted something more he’d say it. To be patient Since he tell me everything else and didn’t know if would get rejected or scare him off plus he was hurt & in love with that #1 women and she hurt him. Him still grieving I wanted to love him for where he was at in life and be there for him.
However Not knowing I was setting myself up & torturing myself over keeping how I felt that I became reckless with wild habits, reckless behavior trying to mask or cope what I felt not knowing how to express. This love this pain not able to express to him. Tried to numb it by partying and toxic behavior.
I wanted to love him the right way, knew this was not it? and not just by sex or these meaningless relationship situation that are not good or healthy- so I told him that I wanted to work on me not telling him how I felt but just needed to get life on orders and he was understanding said he alway be there. I went and got “my life together” two years missing him. Thinking I was doing me me but really for him for approval.
Trying to be like the women he committed too.
I change my whole life for him took a leap of faith
He inspired me to want to change
Hoping thAt being single? no sex and God would show
me how to love right and if meant to be then it would be
Need some distant between him and did just that.
Life got better , but not having him in my life those 2 years were torture! I was not happy depress started So I reached out – and we hung out.
Just like before..and then I FINALLY told him how I felt and why I had to distant myself – we started a new chapter – but he was hesitant and said he didn’t want to be a bad influences- he wanted to be with me but..afraid he would make my life bad.. I loved his imperfections and all – he was a great influence but I still was missing the lesson of showing others how you allow them to treat me. I didn’t know this then – on protecting myself. things were kinda awkward or forced felt or obligation- something was off
He said it was timing.. he always said something to give me another reason to stay.
I allowed whatever with him. Sex became the intimacy and bond was the same. However again he ghost or came distinct
Women # 2 came – he said was his best friend – but what am I ? Depression
Friendship ended and then we made up ..
heart broke
Women # 3 his new girl friend – which he surprised me with by inviting her to my birthday gathering ( he was my ride) and I had to ride in back seat while he was getting back with the “ex? #3 .. heart broken Depression
He didn’t want to talk about it – friendship relationship ended
Again. Depression
2 years go by life is good.
I reach out – alway forgiving me and we hang for two years and i comprises a lot and even engage in even wilder things I’ve never done. But would only share with someone I love and wanted to spend my life with which I told him and we engage in our desires ..and then life happens my dad got cancer and is dying and life is hard and my best friend Mike has become distant..and the week after compromising and enacting in this wild desire he wanted, after him sharing some dark things about him and feeling like we were opening up.. on the day my dad gets admitted to a cancer rehabilitation- due to lost all motor skill after 2nd surgery , Mike calls me after me texting him to call me needed someone to talk to to get mind of dad. He had became distant during dads surgery- but then I didn’t notice due to dads health and life declining – he called to tell me he met someone who he is wants to get to know him – like I haven’t been doing that for 9 years – I snapped – he didn’t want to talk about it and tell me who Women number #4 —and that this was not something that didn’t start. But when asked if he was seeing anyone he says no. He said he couldn’t talk about and
Not to call or come by anymore.
I compared myself to her , to all of them women
I tore myself apart.
Quit my jobs and stated doing art – an old dream. Only thing that got me motivated to live. Because I have a comic book and story j want to get out and art painting is my therapy, which my art had landed me opportunities to have a reason to live and learn about me and other dreams I have forgotten existed before Michael.
He did a number on my or I say o did a number on my self ..I try not to blame others but look at my faults.
Just when I thought, finally we were getting some where further & what I’ve long for ..except ..some habits came back and there was not good communication when tried to ask. He would not talk or be a available to answer questions.
He hurt me again .. but only I hurt myself I allowed it.
He always ran to me when the girls he pursued the relationship failed and I accepted him back but he never chase or peruse me.
I paid for everything we did and even on my birthdays
I never got gifts or flowers but they did.
But allow to always be the chic on the side when the ones he wanted to commit to failed.
To fuck and have fun with. Which I though was love l. Sad
I was used – I allowed him to treat me the way i describe to him in the very beginning when we first shared our past relationship stories experience and the one person I though who understood me would never hurt me and he did.
And Herleia friend from high school & social media of all people!!
Which means others friends knew too
I isolated myself from all friends don’t trust people and just engage with family.
And I did reacted wanting revenge and said hurtful words went through anger depression grief denial all of it to not wanting to live.
Then back to anger cuz I hated myself & life or what I’ve become.
Exposed his dark secrets since I got tired of being the women he laid with and tell his dark secrets who he gave told he couldn’t share with her.
Things got sad and bad between us.
My dad passed alway the 8 months after..I lost my BF, love, one of the most important person in my life and my Dad so the year 2018 was a blur or dark cloud I don’t even remember.
I was deeply suicidal depressed- attempted to kill myself many times which only put me in hospital and lived recklessly with no motivation to live. I realize I had wrap those whole 10 years around him, that I lost touch with life other than him, that when he was gone and dad there was nothing left in me. Didn’t want anything in life not a care in the world. Life was meaningless when the ones you love aren’t there to share it with.
I didn’t understand why this had happen or why and never got an understanding..he tried to reach earlier this year but my scars are so deep it was too soon for him to approach my wanting to apologize and be friends and not feel guilty- since he is still in this new relationship with Herleia and she confessed her love publicly and getting married and living with each other. I told him he don’t deserve to explain now after he told me my dreams were fantasy and his dreams came true and that bitch friend is living my dream and my dad gone, & him not even a friend in my life and I just tried to off myself and failed!! Heck no!! I ignored him and then wish I toons that opportunity to hear him out- because will never know. He said I was fun. That hurt even more.
All he had to do was tell me the truth and if didn’t want me or like me and for us to stop I would have …he kept leading me on and having hope and faith – the way he was with word.
He is not a bad person
In fact like by everyone.
I just hate that I was one that got treated badly ..
After all that I still love his ass and it’s sad, because I’m jaded in love , don’t care to be in any relationships after him – but I would like an explanation or closure but ran into him at the movies and tried to say hi nicely and he just Gave me this look of annoyance.
And didn’t acknowledge.
So I’ve accepted that he hates me and doesn’t care and I have to heal and move on knowing that experience taught me how to teach people to treat me.
I admit I hope their relationship fail and she ghost on him, and he get some insights on how he handled things and me who alway fought.
I’ve never hated anyone and right now I don’t like Her I till I hear her story which I doubt
And I hope Herleia see the light.
I hope we all learn to stop leading each other in meaningless relationship and learn to build each other and not tear down.
I am a beautiful women who has many talents and smart and lot of good things going and I have a hard time seeing that wording about them..
I try to learn to live I present it’s hard. I just happen to run across this while thinking of pass and this helps to get out!!
Just look after yourself Mitchell
Chase after another dream that involves loving you and creating a better self! You are extraordinary!! Just like me! I use to think I must not have been extraordinary to be chosen or pursued by him like the others …but that’s a lie!! Because I am and more!!
And so are you- nothing lacks in you!!
Hey Zan – partner of 4 years left me for someone else. Happened so fast I didn’t have time to blink. Secured an apartment within a day and just left in a week. Worse part is we work together and she told everyone in our office our relationship was toxic (which wasn’t true). Luckily, I don’t have to look at her or work with her directly and I have been in NC for over a week now since I asked her to have a nice life. I unmasked her in our last phone conversation and said I know she’s been cheating, seeing someone, and lied and backstabbed me to everyone at the office and our mutual friends about me. I don’t think I insulted her directly just called her out. She hung up which is fine. She kept calling me before then for piddly things trying to keep me on the phone and I had had it. Was fed up and didn’t imagine she would do such a thing and wanted to friend zone me. Betrayed twice over. Been in NC ever since. I don’t want her to come back but in a way I want her new relationship to fail miserably and for her to have huge regret and beg me back. I know that sounds terrible but I’m so angry and hurt. What are your thoughts on this? Thanks so much!
Hi JD.
Thanks for the comment.
I replied to you via email.😃
Best regards,
Zan
I was with a girl for 4 years , and from the start she was known to break up with me and then realize and come back . It only seemed to get worse as the years went on she would leave for a guy and come back , the most recent time she left for my cousin , and they were together about a month and they broke up a few days after that she came running back . Then we took a trip together and got away for a while I trusted her to never do this to me again , and then we came back and she got a full time job and she kept leaving like an hour early for training and telling me how great her day was and I didn’t think nothing of it . Come to find out she had feelings for her supervisor . She finally one night left me and I asked why she said I stress her out too much so the next few days I begged and cried and asked her the real reasoning and she said she felt bad being with me , while she had feelings for him. She was very mean about it all and blocked me on everything . Do you think I’ll ever hear from her again, even as a friend?
Hi there.
You will likely hear from your ex again. But if I were you, I’d never get involved with her again. She doesn’t respect you enough to see you as her partner. She only sees you as a backup option until she finds someone else.
I suggest you move on her from and find someone who will treat you fairly.
Best regards,
Zan
I have been dumped by my Ex after almost 5 years and two kids for one of her co-workers. I started getting needy and jeoulous and the end. I always know that she would leave me for someone else and I have told her has much. I found out she was cheating and told her to pick. She told me she was sorry and loved me and we would would this out and she was done talking to him.. that happened maybe 5 times and every time I would catch her talking to him still. So she told me the truth at the end and left me for the other guy tell me I was to much . Which I was only because I was getting lied to the whole time . I just don’t know how to move on or say goodbye. I started no contact and she has been texting everyday and little stuff. What’ to do? Also she thinks she loves the other guy and they kiss and are alot me passionate then we were.
Hi Michael.
I suggest you cut contact with your ex, otherwise, she could keep your wound open for a very long time.
As long as she’s with the other person, I don’t think she could be of any use to you. So start the healing process and get busy with your own life.
This is your time to shine.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey zen ex girlfriend of ten years and only had a baby 18 months ago left me for another man . Still won’t admit it but I found all the proof . I knew she was seeing someone behind my back I could feel it in my gut she was changing being more secretive about her stuff like clothes phone and all that . I kept calling her out on it and she said she needed a break that I was acting crazy . I asked for a month to show her I could do everything that she faulted me for . During that month she went out every weekend and didn’t come home till next morning and one time didn’t get back till after 2pm . Am I crazy for stilling having feelings for her and do you think she’ll come back for the first month I begged and pleaded
My ex-left me after 5 years of LDR, we spoke daily and saw each other every months or two. We spent all occasions together. The LDR was on my side as I needed to build myself and get a career and save some money before moving in with him (the country he is in wont offer me a job easily) and to support my family. We were engaged and had long conversations about children, languages and how we would have our apartment. In the 5 years he was studying and working and in May finished his studies, he told me back then that he feels empty and doesn’t know what to do after he finished the studied in the free time. He met her and other 2 girls in a bar with a friend, he told me about it and he was sceptical that they were too friendly. As we are in LDR I never monitored closely with whom he went out as I trusted him as he did me. – I believe its normal to make new friens I saw him in May for a week and I was very tired and exhausted from all the work and flying, but finally I was moving closer and achieved something to move in soon or to establish something closer in a third country. In mid June he developed something for one of the girls and in beginning of July before my move to a new job/location he told me he has an affair the last two weeks. I couldn’t believe it and asked him to tell me what he wants to do. He came after one week as I moved in and broke up, saying he wants to try a new relationship, his feelings are stronger there and that he doesn’t see an end destination with us. I know my fault was that I was giving time for things and was building everything slowly without setting exact dates (as it was never in my hands). I know I love him and I want him back. The new girl resembles me a bit in type of hair, how he met her, but she also shares with him some hobbies and seems to be more excited about things and shows it all on Instagram and she is there. I am not sure how deep his relationship with her as I am not there, I want him back and I don’t know how. He is texting occasionally with random things and nature photos and I am replying though.
Hi! Thank you for all of the advice, it really helped me more.
I had a quick question though. My ex girlfriend left me to be with this other guy that she’s known longer than me and I guess always had feelings for him. However, he has had a girlfriend for 3 years.
I know they talk everyday and that they already had sex. He’s basically cheating on his girlfriend with my ex, and telling her everything she wants to hear to use her I guess. I know he won’t breakup with his girlfriend. It’s been 2 months since she left me so I think he would’ve by now.
Do you think that their “relationship” will last? Do you think that my ex will eventually get tired of being his side chick or whatever? I’ve been in no contact for a month so far. And everyday is so hard for me, because I still love her and think about her all the time. We lived together in my parents house for a year and a half.
I’d appreciate any other advice. Thanks!
Hi Anthony.
Before you start planning the reunion, you need to figure out why she left you for another guy.
As for their relationship, I don’t think it will last. Their foundation is based on cheating, lying and deceiving which will put a lot of pressure on them.
And if it doesn’t, I suppose they deserve each other. They will have a nice story to tell their kids.
Best regards,
Zan
Well we did not break up. We argued and he started seeing someone from his country almost immediately as this is when he went home. Apparently they know each other since being teenagers and have good history.
He sent me a random picture with a girl I thought it was a relative. Then when I made a comment about her he got very offended. I asked if they were together as he was very cold with me for weeks and he said yes he’s with her. He was even telling my friends he’s with done one new.
Funnily I had already arranged to meet him as in booked a flight as it was a LDR. So we stuck to the arrangement. Every so often we sexted but he would remind me he had someone. When we met he tried and tried to seduce me and he did. We were intimate many times and his new gf called just after we finished. How I knew it was her, he took the phone and ran out. That evening when I asked what is happening with us, he said he’s with the girl but has feelings for me too. I distanced myself.
When I got back home he could not stop saying how mind blowing the intimacy is between us and he missed me and enjoyed being with me and still has feelings, yet he needs to try the relationship with the friend he’s known since 15, so she’s not a complete stranger and she’s always been in the picture as a friend just now turned LDR. She is visitinv him soon and he told me he wanted US to “chill” as this thing is new with the girl and he needs to give it a go, so lets see how it goes. I feel like dying right now but what can I do. He said he and I are close avd always will be and wants to stay friends, but it’s so hard for me. I’m suffering a lot.
What shall I do?
Hi Ananti.
As the saying goes, “If you can’t choose between two people, you don’t deserve either of them.” The same goes for your ex. As long as you remain an option and that other person competes with you, you will never be happy.
But if you really want to take her on, all you have to do is be your best self. Be respectful, kind, positive and set your jealousy aside and you should have no problems prevailing.
Best of luck!
Zan
Hey. Thanks for responding. We’ll I decided after reading uir no contact blog avd watching many YouTube relationship coaches that I will not sit here avd wait on the side like a good girl till he figures himself out. I decided to respect myself and withdraw. Like I said on the other blog (I don’t want my ex back) he seemed shocked when I was not initiating contact. I just stopped. So he tried a few times. I was polite but responded many hours later basically letting him know he is also not a priority in my life.
He did text again and I did respond after almost 6 hours so he stopped reaching out. Its been 4 days and I don’t plan to text him. I feel he treated me so badly and really did not value or care about me at all. To just friendzone me after almost 5 years and move on to someone else instantly is on the high side of disrespectful. He knew I loved him yet he still left. So let him stay there.
My question is the dynamics of this new relationship of his are different to the usual breakups. He was in the same country with me then LDR due to work. His new relationship is also LDR but with a girl he’s known since he was 15 avd they are from the same place.
I am curious is there more chance of them working out since they share a closer bond of friendship and know each other longer? That was his main argument for leaving me. He “just had to try it with the girl he said”
Hope to hear from you.
Hi again, Ananti.
Him saying, “I just have to try with her” is disrespectful. He was in a relationship with you so “trying” with another girl should have been out of the question.
Knowing a person longer makes a decent foundation, but it doesn’t give him an excuse to be with her.
His chances depend on their compatibilities, behavioral patterns and everything that makes them – them. I don’t think they are any better than they were with you.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey zan,
So my ex cheated on her bf with me , happen to be my best friend. She looked me up first and i responded by asking her to think for a week before going through with it and well it did happen. ( i did it because i know at that point of time he was not serious with her for many reason , religion parents and all) we had a few weeks of fun behind his back, then i left the country for a month and we kept in touch. And the feelings just grew. It qas easy being with her. So at the one and a half month mark, i told her this cant go any longer , she had to choose. She initially chose him and at that point i found out he chose him because of her needs (financial) , i found out cause my friend just blurted it out to me out of the blue. So i confronted her and she admitted it. And hence she decided to leave him for me. After she left him , he became obsessed. Visiting her home everynight, bringing flowers, crying in front of her mum and all that. Basically becoming desperate and clingy. But the girl was always honest with me, she told me everything qithout the need of me prying. ( at this point the guy didnt know that she left him for me ) . So he had a vacation in another country with his family and me and the girl had some quality time together. It was great no fuss, we understand each other and i can feel her attraction towards me grew. And since then she always tell me everytime the guys tried to call her or find her and she tried to remove him from her contacts, but he kept calling her mum everyday. My intention was to tell the guy face to face wheb he is back in the country. But as soon as he is back, he visited her home and she relented again. She told me that she wants him so i told her if thats what you want just be happy. A few days later i tried to contact her and she was a mess. I chatted with her and found out she has been torturing herself to be with him. She called me and want me back. I told her to take her time and finish her deal with him because i feel she only returns to him out of guilt. ( the fact that the guy and me has been a friend for a long time). So one day i contacted her and the guy found out. And it was he mess he got drunk went to the girls work place and made a mess i had to be the one who settled everything. Right there and then she told the guy that she wanted to be with me. But the guy being desperate and all kept insisting. That night he crashed his car and i was there yet again to clean all the mess. She stayed the night with me and looked relieved and happy that she has told him that he wants to be with me. The next day he went to visit her. And all turns sour. She called me and said that she dont want to be with either of us. And she needs time. I gave her time. After a couple of days she told me that she chose him . So i stopped contacting her right there and then . She blocked me off on her whatsapp and instagram . But 3 days after she unblocked it all. She posted a story on it with him but after i saw it she blocked me from seeing her stories. Its almost a week now and i havent talked to her yet.
Im just needing some insight. Am i right in thinking that she went back with him out of guilt.?
When she was with me she told me that she was comfortable with me. She like to look at me secretly and i dont know i can feel that what she felt for me was so real. She always apologises for every little thing. She introduced me to her parents , she always touchy with me and all that.
Sorry for the long rant i hope you can give me some insight
Last October, my ex broke up with me stating that giving me a laundry list of reasons why she no longer cared for me. Leading up tot he breakup, she was planning on letting me go, doing things like getting a new phone (to replace the one I bought her) removing her account info from shared food delivery apps, etc. She went out the previous day and asked me to pick up her son from school and watch him.I absolutely adore her son so this was no big deal. We went to his soccer game, went to her house where she asked me to do some work around her house. she then dumped me. I am a proud person and her breaking up with me didn’t bother me as much as the fact she used me. On the way out the door, she had an evil grin as I frantically looked for me keys. At that point, no rock was big enough to crawl under. My heart told me she met someone else. She denied it and asked that I still be part of her son’s life. I took some parting shots, mostly because I felt so insulted. I was a great man to her and her son, something that her own family and closest friend reminded her about. I have a great career, no children and consider myself good looking. Long story short, its been 8 months, we have spoken twice about me seeing her son. I asked to see him at her sisters house since her sister and I are still close. She told me that she needs to be present, offering two Friday dates for the 3 of us to get together. She told me that he misses me and talks about me alot. Well come to find out, she is still dating the guy that she dumped me for. She met him a week prior to us breaking up, something I suspected all along. Funny how the heart works, this is the second time this happens to me and both times, my heart new the time and place where they met the next man. I sent her an email and told her that i would not be meeting up with her and despite the fact that I loved her son, I was letting go once and for all. She replied that she was sad about my decision, never owning up for her actions (her sister told me that she was seeing someone, my ex never mentioned that and was going to see me behind his back I assume) I never replied to her and have since walked away. It hurts alot but in reading this, I found alot of comfort. I think i’m on the right path to recovery. I am down 45 lbs, recently got promoted, bought my dream car and have dated alot recently. i am a totally different man but once in a while, I get nostalgic about my “little family”. Be that as it may, your words have helped me to value myself and reassured me I am doing the right thing. Thank you!
Hi Ray. You did the right thing by pulling away as soon as you could. If you didn’t, your ex would have continued using you.
She’s given you the opportunity to create your little family with someone else, so be thankful for what she’s done.
Now you can finally meet someone who will be loyal to you.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hm. I’ve been in a relationship that was relatively distant – apart 50km, but had been seeing each other on a regular 2-4 times /month, everyday texts / mails and weekly calls. We have been involved for 3.5 years. We’ve been very intimate, made a very deep emotional bond.
BUT. Then, for some reason, she stopped giving herself in the relationship. Maybe it was my fault because I was always the listener, the provider, shoulder to cry on, a pool of understanding. And, she fell in love with the guy from college – her explanations were that they were much more alike, that they have something special (as if we never had, as if she was forced to be in relationship with me, and didn’t choose it herself).
My impression is that she is prone to depression – she was depressive some time before our relationship – or cyclothymic and that she has a milder narcissistic personality disorder. Fact is that the other guy’s life isn’t sunshine and flowers – father an alcoholic, they are poor and so on – those were the reasons she gave, for example, what will he do without her, because she is his only friend, and so on… I mean WTF explanations… I guess it’s a bad thing for their relationship.
I mean, my story is classic, nothing extraordinary. Did everything the best I could, I really gave myself in the relationship, and got dumped only because ”there was something missing”. But it was her love that was missing. Before she fell in love with the other guy, because of her ego, she stopped loving me. And that is what killed the relationship. I wonder if she will ever be sorry.
And you are right. She would never break up with me if she knew he wasn’t available for her, and that would be even more hypocritical. And that guy’s is so lucky… Because he couldn’t find a girlfriend, he was available and was barely waiting for her to fall for him. Movie material, my life. Your thoughts, Zen?
Hi Alen.
Thanks for the comment.
Human beings have an amazing ability to take anything for granted. The longer we have something, the less we appreciate it.
I wouldn’t say that the guy was at the right place at the right time because there is no such thing as a “coincidence when it comes to breakups.” At some point, she began to value more what the guy could give as opposed to what you did. What seemed new and fresh seemed way more exciting and available than a long-distance relationship, despite you giving it your absolute best.
As you know, it’s not about you, but rather about her and the way she sees your relationship. I think she slowly detached by entertaining the idea of what it would be like to get involved with him. As time went on, she thought more and more about it and eventually took the leap of fate.
This didn’t happen because the guy is better than you or because he’s so magical. It could have and would have happened with any person.
3.5 years is a decent time. I hope the next woman treats you right.
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan,
What if my ex left me for her ex and she has been with her ex longer than we have been together ?
Thanks
Hi. Long-term relationships tend to have a strong bond that pulls people together. Unless they both did some soul-searching whilst they were apart, it’s likely going to fall apart the same way again. People don’t change easily and relationships fail much quicker the second time.
Kind regards,
Zan
It’s been 3 months since my boyfriend of 3 years left me for someone who had been his coworker for 3 months before the break up. He said we can remain friends but he needs to find himself first. We no longer talk to each other. He doesn’t post anything on social media but his cousins told me they were already together.
My ex left me for his co worker … we where together for 7 Years and he just proposed in December and 2 months later he leaves me for this girl .. who had a boyfriend for 6 years .. so they left us to be with eachother, it has been the hardest thing I’ve had to deal with in my life. But Not once have I pleaded and told him to come back! After I caught them and things got really bad, confrontational he denied everything! When the proof was right in-front of him. I’ve heard he’s already posted her on his Social media, he couldn’t wait a couple of months ? he completely tore me apart and it hurts that I gave this guy 7 years of my life for him to just walk away and leave me for someone else. And this girl knew we where engaged and didn’t care. It’s now going on 2 months no contact at all. And it’s really hard there’s times when I just want to call him and tell him all the pain he caused me, and just tell him off for everything he’s making me go through, I did get a new job, I’ve lost so much weight I feel better about my body, but my mentality is still a little gone. I just want to be Happy again, some part of me wished he would come back, but the other part of me wishes to never see him in my life again.
Hi Jess.
Both your ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend clearly deserve each other as they both cheated on their partners. Everything is new and fresh now, so don’t expect them to experience difficulties very soon. Karma will take its time and strike when he least expects it.
When people are caught cheating, their first reaction is usually anger and denial. They feel as if you went against their privacy and snooped around. Whether he left cold, angry or distant, you should be glad he showed you who he really is. 7 years is a long time, so try not to look at your time as wasted. Since you were in a relationship with him for this long, I presume you had good times as well. Try to think of it as a lesson and an opportunity for you to find someone who can commit to you.
His departure has left you shattered, so you must now do what it takes to heal and recover. Don’t be afraid to seek professional help and get yourself the treatment you deserve. Do whatever it takes to feel better, let go of anger and continue with the healing process. Also, good job for improving what you can about yourself! If you’re ever going to do it, now is the time!
As for your ex, karma is on its way. You probably won’t be around when it hits him, but it will. Stay strong and keep focusing on yourself. Loving yourself first is the only way to guarantee happiness.
Ex left me for someone else after 10 years. Caught her cheating while I was away for work travel. She proceeded to dump me over the phone and ghost me then after. Lied about wanting be single and experience being on her own as she clearly is involved with her new guy. Post breakup she said that we should have been married and had kids yet never made it clear those were deal breakers or priorities. I took things for granted and she left me for someone that is divorced and has 2 small kids. Ive found out she is a bit jealous of his ex wife and is stalking his ex’s social media weekly. I never knew this side of her and didn’t see the breakup coming.
I made textbook errors reaching out seeking closure via text and email… She has always had communication issues and I was the one who has reached out 5 out of the 6 times post breakup. She will reply but Ive made some self depreciating errors by being the one to reach out.. She did “apologize” 2 months after breakup through text and another time during a phone call after I sent an text/email. Ive never begged or pleaded for her back but have been the one seeking the “faux” closure. I battle with this and think this is my sub conscious way of not being able to let go… however I do realize I need to let her go and intuitively feel she is gone for good with the new guy.
There was no effort on her behalf to convey her feelings or indicate she was so unhappy which I why i didn’t see it coming. I cant wrap my head around the idea that we couldn’t have managed our issues or at least made an effort to meet halfway. The idea that she is now headed toward being an insta-stepmom with no kids of her own is confusing. The road she chose seem like a much more difficult path than trying to mend or tackle our former issues. Could this be a delusional perspective that the grass was greener from her point of view? What does this guy have or give her that I was so lacking? There was never a hiccup in our sex life either we slept together 24 hr before I caught her cheating… At this point I’ve come to the point in which I know I must redirect my energies inward for my well being and healing. Any feedback is appreciated.
Thanks
Hi James. Thanks for the comment.
First of all, allow me to tell you that you are not responsible for your ex’s thoughts and actions. The path she chose was because of her own feelings and emotions. It goes without saying that she sought something your relationship didn’t have. Most of the time in GIGS, this something is the newness and sparks new people create.
It’s not about what you didn’t have, it’s how he made her feel. This new person was simply someone who made her feel more excited in a shorter period of time. She gravitated toward him because she didn’t have the determination, also known as loyalty to stop it before it got too late. She first fancied his attention and then let it get so far she could no longer turn back.
Since she’s likely monogamous, she had to make a decision. This new person whom she truly knows nothing about but has feelings for or her long-term partner which she feels secure with.
Even though it’s a no-brainer that security and longevity should always be preferred, I wish I could say the same about people with low self-control. Your ex acted and reacted impulsively based on what she was feeling. She felt more attracted so she went with that option. This sometimes happens when relationships become complacent or incredibly routinal.
Best of luck, James!
Zan
I got monkey branched, been married for 12 years got kids too. Cant do NC because of the kids. I have backed off a lot, i try not to talk or text. She usually contacts me for any little reason. She already filed divorce but i know she still wants me. Dont know what to do.
Hi James.
If your wife met another person, you have to let her go and allow her to do as she wishes. You can’t control another person, so the best thing you can do is show her you’re a great father by taking care of the kids and having your priorities straight. Talk to her only about important things, such as the kids. She started taking you for granted, and she will most likely figure that out in her new relationship (if you were good to her).
If she left because of certain reasons, start working on yourself. If she lost attraction, rebuild it when the time is right.
Kind regards,
Zan