My Ex Left Me For Someone Else

If you were in a long-term relationship with your ex (longer than 6 months) and your ex has left you for someone else, your ex essentially monkey-branched from one relationship to the next.

He or she left you for someone new and unknown and now wants to make it work with that person.

Before you go knocking on your ex’s doors and asking for another chance, you need to collect your thoughts and remind yourself that your ex chose to leave for someone else.

He or she left due to high attraction and temptations and won’t come back until his or her new relationship fails. I’m not saying your ex will come back for sure, but your ex will have to date that person and experience life without you.

That’s the only way your ex will be able to compare life before to life after and see if he or she has made a mistake.

I know you’re in a lot of pain right now, but you should do your best to avoid making the typical post-breakup mistakes. Your ex thinks that you’re not the right person to commit to at this moment, so you don’t want to annoy your ex and validate his or her reasons for leaving.

You need to keep your pride instead and show your ex that his or her betrayal doesn’t affect you. Remain strong even if you’ve already made some breakup mistakes and are struggling to cope with separation anxiety.

So if your ex left you for someone else and you’re wondering what you should do, don’t do what your heart tells you to do. Do that which is best for your image and try to prove to others, but mostly to yourself that you’ll be okay with or without your ex.

My ex left me for someone else

My ex left me for someone else. What do I need to know?

When your ex leaves you for someone else, it’s rarely a spontaneous decision. Dumpers tend to develop feelings before they decide to monkey-branch and leave their ex behind. They take their sweet time and make sure that the new person makes them feel good and excited.

This is why it’s safe to say that your ex’s new boyfriend or girlfriend had been in the picture for days, if not for weeks prior to the breakup.

He or she had probably been talking to your ex and getting to know your ex way before your ex was even your ex. Maybe your ex even told you that you have “nothing to worry about” and that you’re just being jealous and overly cautious, but that would imply that your ex was either deceiving you or clueless as to what he or she was doing.

No matter what happened, your ex had been conversing with this new person (possibly behind your back) and emotionally cheated on you. That’s something you must take seriously. You must think about it so that you don’t jump back into a relationship with your ex if/when you get a chance to do so.

Ask yourself whether your ex is even worth the wait and trouble—and if you can trust him or her again. Think about the pain your ex will make you feel if your ex breaks your heart again and leaves again.

One separation was probably enough because your ex doesn’t deserve your trust. At least not before he or she has earned your trust back.

So while you’re processing the breakup, try not to obsess over your ex’s good points and focus on the bad ones instead. If you give it enough thought, you’ll soon detach and see that your ex isn’t the person you thought he or she was.

Whether you like it or not, your ex is a cheater. And not all cheaters deserve a second chance. This is something the rules of no contact may help you understand better. I suggest that you follow them down to the t so you can keep your hope for the reconciliation low and your self-esteem high.

Your ex devalued you and left for someone else

When your ex left you for someone else, he or she no longer loved you. Your ex felt more attracted to the other person and decided to give that person a shot.

If your ex cared about your feelings, your ex would have at the very least ended your relationship and waited a few months before getting involved with other people. But, unfortunately, your ex felt no shame. Or at least not enough guilt and shame to do the morally right thing – which was to give you the respect you deserved.

Your relationship may not have been the most fulfilling relationship in the world, but at least you remained loyal till the very end. For that alone, you deserved to be broken up with like a decent human being and be given closure. But instead, your ex acted on limerence and didn’t think how his or her actions would affect you.

This means that your ex had all the chances in the world to pull back when your ex felt that he or she was starting to develop feelings for someone else.

But your ex chose not to do anything about it. Instead, your ex just went along with it until temptations got out of control and grew from cravings for attention to cravings for affection.

With that being said, here’s why your ex left you for someone else.

Why did my ex leave me for someone else

So if your ex left you for someone else, don’t sugarcoat the situation. Remember that your ex betrayed you in one of the worst ways possible and that you need to judge your ex for the way your ex is, not was. Think hard about your ex’s relationship mentality and whether you can work with a person like your ex.

Heck, you should probably even ponder about whether you want to be your ex’s friend when all of this is over.

Your ex had enough time to think about leaving you

People don’t make an immediate decision to start dating someone new right away. Especially not when the new person is a complete stranger they know nothing about. They need to know the man or woman at least a bit so they can form an emotional connection with him or her and start dating that person.

That’s why when an ex breaks up with you out of the blue, it’s evident that your ex has already gotten to know the new person. Your ex has attraction, feelings, and chemistry with the new person and isn’t thinking about you anymore.

Your ex is too busy enjoying the moment and planning a future without you in it.

Keep in mind that your ex would never kick you to the curb if your ex wasn’t 100% sure that he or she could date this new person.

Normally, by the time an ex breaks things off, he or she is already officially in a new relationship. It’s called monkey-branching from one romantic relationship to the next—and it’s something only people with poor impulse control and low moral values do.

You need to know that your ex has basically emotionally checked out of your relationship without telling you, and probably even exchanged flirtatious messages with this new person.

Such a person is a low-integrity coward. He or she showed you what he or she does when the relationship gets old and temptations become enticing and difficult to resist.

Always remember that your ex’s actions depict his or her personality. They show who your ex is as a person and most likely who your ex is going to be in the future.

has my ex left me for someone else on impulse

Don’t mind the things your ex told you throughout the relationship. Your ex may have promised you the world, but your ex did that only because he or she felt good. Now that your ex is with someone else, your ex is probably doing the same to that new person.

It’s called love-bombing.

When your ex leaves you for someone else, you can be certain that your ex has thought about leaving you long and hard. But just because your ex contemplated leaving you for a while, this doesn’t mean that your ex has made a rational decision. People, especially cheaters tend to make emotional decisions.

It’s the emotions or the lack thereof that enable them to disconnect from their partners and connect with someone else. Emotions whether they admit it or not rule their decisions and actions (make them do stupid things). You need to understand that so you don’t think your ex is a one in a million kind of unicorn.

If your ex cheated and left you for someone else, your ex is just a regular pony. Actually, that would be an insult to ponies. Your ex is an emotion-driven mule.

Your ex disrespected you

If your ex left you for someone else, you feel deeply hurt, sad, and angry. You feel as if your ex has thrown everything away just to get a chance with a random person.

No matter how hurt and angry you are for trusting someone like that, do your best not to get so angry to take revenge on your ex. Revenge may not make you a cheater, but it won’t make you much better than your ex.

You must instead ask yourself, “Do I really want someone like my ex as my significant other? Is my ex the best I can find and deserve?”

If the answer is yes, you must not beg and plead with your ex. Begging will fall on deaf ears and cause your ex to respect you even less.

You need to understand that your ex holds all the cards right now and that the only thing left for you to do is to accept the breakup and leave your ex alone.

It’s okay if you feel lost and disorientated. You’re a human being with emotions after all.

It’s also okay if you tell your ex that you don’t want to be friends and that you are going to leave his or her life for a while.

But no matter what you do and don’t do, please understand that it’s never okay to call your ex names or to get revenge on your ex.

Retaliating in a nasty way will make you as bad as your ex. Maybe even worse.

When you learn that your ex has left you for someone else, you need to cut your ex off as soon as possible. The sooner you put an end to your ex’s breadcrumbing and confusing behavior, the sooner you’ll regain the sanity and identity your ex has destroyed.

Just make sure to treat your ex better than he or she has treated you. That will disassociate you from your ex and later (when you’re over your ex) give you the satisfaction of knowing that you handled the breakup better than your ex.

Right now, it probably feels like the new person is better than you and that you’re not good enough for your ex, but that’s not the case. It’s the other way around because your ex is a cheater and doesn’t deserve you.

The best thing you can do is to go indefinite no contact and be prepared to stay in no contact forever. You probably don’t want to leave your ex alone forever because you’re afraid of never hearing from your ex again, but that’s all you can do right now.

No contact is the only technique that will rebuild your self-esteem and hopefully make your ex realize your worth.

So if maximizing your chances of reconciliation is what you’re after, leave your ex alone and focus on yourself. Do this even if you’re extremely anxious and want to stay friends with your ex. As long as you’re hurting, your priority needs to be your health. You can be friends later – once you’ve healed.

Should I stay in no contact for 30 days?

You’ve probably visited blogs that promote the 30-day no contact rule. The idea behind those sites is that you must disappear for 30 days and then message your ex with positive reminders from the past. Nostalgic messages are supposed to hit your ex’s weak points and force him or her to come running.

Some ex-back coaches claim that 30 days is enough time for your ex to stop resenting you/improve his or her perceptions of you and consider coming back.

But the truth is that breaking no contact after 30 days will only push your ex further away. It will show that you feel threatened and that you can’t handle being on your own.

That’s why 30 of no contact is not enough for your ex to miss you and want to be with you again. It’s just something the internet has come up with to prey on the broken-hearted.

So avoid additional heartbreak and stay in no contact longer than that. Stay in it as long as you’re hurt and depend on your ex for recognition.

Stay in no contact!

You must be prepared to start no contact and stay in it until your ex reaches out and expresses a wish to get back with you. That’s when you can talk to your ex again and see if it’s possible to grow strong together.

But until that happens, you just can’t reach out to your ex first. You can’t disrupt your ex’s space and your own healing process.

This is especially true if your ex left you for someone else and disrespected you beyond belief. When your ex leaves you for someone else, you need to take a giant step backward and assess your situation.

You need to understand that your ex stopped seeing a future with you and that your ex needs to learn his or her lessons the hard way – by dating someone else and failing with him or her.

So as difficult as the breakup has been for you, don’t try to reach out ahead of time – while your ex is still discovering whether the grass is greener on the other side.

Contacting your ex prematurely will send your ex a message that you’re still extremely attached and that he or she can take the time to see what else is out there.

This is why you need to maintain no contact at all costs. No contact is difficult and can feel like it’s dragging on forever, but if you don’t take it seriously, your ex won’t take you seriously either. Your ex will see your weaknesses and might even take advantage of them.

Your ex had cheated on you, so you know that your ex is capable of a lot of things.

That’s why you now need to focus on healing and demonstrating that you will not allow your ex or anyone else for that matter to treat you in such a disrespectful way ever again. You need to show that you’re stronger than you used to be and that you understand your worth better than ever before.

Do you really want your ex back?

You now know that when your ex leaves you for someone else, your value significantly drops. You become just an ex whom your ex couldn’t grow stronger with. You become someone your ex wants to leave behind and forget about.

But that’s okay!

Your ex isn’t the only person in the world you can be happy with. On the contrary, there are millions of people you can be happier with. You just need to detach a bit for rationality to return to you. That’s when you’ll see that your ex’s opinion of you doesn’t define you.

Your own perception of yourself is all that matters. And you need to work on it so you can accept the breakup, get out of denial, and fall back in love with yourself. If you don’t fall in love with yourself, you can’t expect your ex to love you or even like you.

Your ex will treat you no better than you treat yourself. That’s the way this world works.

Have you ever heard of the phrase, “How you treat yourself, others will treat you?” I bet you have. It means that when you don’t value yourself, your ex won’t value you either. Your ex will think he or she has made the right decision and that it’s time to move forward with life.

But that’s why no contact is so effective. It shuts your ex out of your life and makes you mysterious. Mystery makes your ex wonder about you and might eventually cause your ex to reach out. You need to stay strong until your ex’s new relationship gets old and/or boring and starts facing issues because that’s when your ex will compare the two relationships and ponder about you in a better light.

I know it can be excruciatingly painful to feel so replaced by this new person and that you’re probably thinking to yourself things like, “He is so much better than me, he has a better job, a nicer car, and is more outgoing.”

You’re either thinking that this person is better—or perhaps the opposite – that he or she is worse and that he or she can’t even compare to you. These kinds of thoughts occur because you feel confused and threatened and want to be the only person who receives your ex’s affection.

If this is what you’re hoping for, know that it’s “normal” to crave what this new person has. You used to get love on a daily basis, so you’re still withdrawing from it. Whatever you do, don’t compare yourself to this new person, though.

You have absolutely nothing to gain by comparing yourself to someone who’s not even competing with you.

You need to realize that what you see and hear about your ex’s new partner is mostly superficial. It takes 4 – 6 months for them to get to know each other. That’s how long it will take them to see if they’re compatible and if it’s worth pursuing their relationship.

Of course, they could prolong their relationship even if they’re not good for each other as some couples do that. But that’s why you must stay away from them and mind your own business. You just don’t know what’s going on with their relationship, and you don’t need to know.

But let me assure you that if a shiny car and a great job were all it took to stay happily married, there would be no divorces. People would be able to make their relationships work simply by wanting to make them work. But that’s not how it works.

New couples appear new only while they’re new.

breakup old better than new

When they get to know each other, they see each other’s bad points and see a more realistic picture. They see that the person they’re dating isn’t perfect and that they have some adjustments to make. If they can and are willing to make those adjustments, they make it past the infatuation phase and fall in love.

And if they can’t, they hit a roadblock and become at risk of breaking up.

Will my ex rebound and want me back?

If you were a nice person, didn’t argue much, and contributed to your ex’s happiness, chances are that your ex will realize he or she has made a grave mistake and come back.

Just because your ex left you for someone else, doesn’t mean that the same or something worse can’t happen to your ex.

As a matter of fact, your ex could get dumped, hurt, and come running back for validation and all the reasons you can think of. The only problem with this is that your ex may not return because of love and regret. Your ex could come back just to patch his or her wounds and take what he or she can from you.

The reason for that is that dumpers are often too selfish and caught up in their own world to reflect. They need to go through something very painful and self-esteem-breaking to lower their pride and change their ways.

So if your ex has left you for someone else, keep in mind that your ex must learn to forgive you as well as himself or herself. Your ex must understand that cheating says bad things about a person and come back to reassure you it will never happen again.

Bear in mind that an ex who wants you back would not control the reconciliation. He or she would happily let you take charge and follow your instructions. It’s important that you stay in control for a while after getting back together so your ex doesn’t take you for granted and leaves when an opportunity presents itself.

Why do dumpers come back?

Dumpers sometimes come back. But as we’ve mentioned earlier, they often come back for the wrong reasons – for themselves.

Some exes come back when their rebound relationship fails horribly and others when they get treated badly by their new partners and life in general and want a familiar and reassuring shoulder to lean on.

That’s when they come running back, apologizing, and asking for another chance. You need to be prepared for that so you don’t accept your ex back on the spot.

Even though your ex may finally see your worth and be ready to treat you the way he or she needed to treat you months or years ago, you need to keep in mind that your ex may just be acting on anxiety and doesn’t really want you for who you are.

Your ex may just need you to lower pain and anxiety and make himself or herself feel better.

It’s safe to say that dumpers simply don’t return because they’re happy with their new lives. They come back because they’re suffering and want the suffering to end.

The best person who can help them with that is their dumpee ex. He or she has been the last person to help them, so all they have to do is pick up their phone and say they’re sorry. That’s how they can distract themselves and get over the issues life threw at them.

So if your ex left you for someone else, bear in mind that your ex might one day come running back to you because you were the only person who cared about your ex as selflessly as possible. You were the man or woman who stayed committed until your ex took you for granted, cheated on you, and broke your heart.

One thing you need to remember though is that when your ex broke up with you, your ex was nowhere to be seen. He or she was enjoying his or her life without you and was busy dating that new person. That means that when/if your ex wants you back, you need to take things slow and let your ex prove his or her worth.

You mustn’t take your ex back as if nothing happened otherwise nothing will change. Your ex will remain the same behavior-wise and could cheat on you or leave you for someone again.

breakup giving dynamics

If you think about dumpers’ behavior, you’ll understand that exes always come back to take from the relationship. They want to feel safe and reassured like they did in the past.

Your job as a dumpee is to make your ex work extra hard for your trust so that he or she learns to appreciate you again and invest in you.

When your ex leaves you for someone else and comes back later, you must show incredibly high self-esteem by setting new rules and standards.

Set your conditions so high that the dumper is going to feel that failing to reach your expectations could lead to romantic rejection and pain.

How do I get back with an ex who’s left me for someone else?

I deliberately left the best for one of the last points, because I know most people want their ex to come back at least to validate them. They want to know that their ex finds them worthy of love and that they aren’t bad romantic partners and people.

So without further ado, if you’re wondering how to make your ex want you back after he or she has left you for someone else, the answer is don’t seek validation.

When you don’t seek validation from your ex and remain strong and confident, you can make your ex doubt his or her decision for leaving you. You can make your ex think that you don’t need him or her to be happy and that you’ve got what it takes to deal with the breakup blues.

This on its own won’t bring your ex back, of course, but it will make your ex respect you. It will make your ex see that you’re in control of your life and that you’re focusing on yourself.

And how will that help you?

It will prevent your ex from destroying your worth in his or her eyes and enable your ex to crave intimacy again. But for your ex to want intimacy, your ex’s new relationship will have to fail first. When it does, your ex could want someone strong, confident, and reliable near him or her for support.

So if you’re trying to make yourself look better in front of your ex’s new partner, forget it. You’ll never look better because your ex is likely going through the love phase with that person and can’t see your worth. Your ex will see your worth when your life is going well and your ex’s isn’t.

You should also not strive to make your ex feel guilty and ashamed. Such emotions won’t make your ex come back. They’ll force your ex to run away and enable your ex to attach even worse emotions to your persona.

So if your ex cheated on you and left you for another person, bear in mind that your ex is going through the 6 stages of a rebound relationship.

Because your ex thinks that someone new is better suited for him or her, you don’t have a choice right now but to accept the breakup and stay far away from your ex. If anything makes your ex want to be with you again, it’s space, peace, and quiet.

No contact is powerful

When you follow no contact, you indirectly show that you care about yourself more than your ex and that you won’t give your ex a hard time just because he or she treated you poorly.

You show that your life is more important than your ex and that life goes on with or without your ex.

If you don’t do no contact and stay in touch, your ex will think that he or she can get back with you any time and every time. Your ex will assume that you want him or her back and that all he or she has to do is snap his or her fingers.

Call it deceitful if you will, but your ex must not think that you still want him or her back. Dumpers don’t want what they can have. They secretly want to fight for something they can’t have or really want to have. And so does your ex. Right now, your ex is fighting for the new relationship because that relationship makes him or her feel good.

It distracts your ex, empowers your ex, and most importantly, makes your ex’s happy hormones go crazy.

But as time goes on, your ex will stop feeling elated and reach a more calm, neutral stage of a new relationship. That’s when your ex’s relationship will go through the make it or break it phase.

What if I don’t want my ex back anymore?

Even if months go by, you’ll probably still want your ex back. A few months are not enough for you to get over your ex and not want your ex’s validation anymore. Most dumpees get over the breakup about 8 months or so after the breakup.

This depends on the intensity, length, and complexity of the relationship.

But time in no contact will either help you detach completely and find someone better or if you can’t find someone better, keep your ex as an option.

Since breakups are so hard they could kill you, you will likely want your ex to validate you and come back.

You will crave your ex’s love and attention so that you can get a boost of happy hormones and feel secure and happy with yourself again.

This means that your ex-addiction is likely going to stay present for quite some time.

And if so much time goes by that you realize you don’t want your ex back anymore because your ex has treated you terribly, then it’s probably for the best.

Leaving an ex who treated you poorly behind takes courage and is the right thing to do.

Invest in yourself

Now you know that there is nothing you can do directly to get back with an ex who’s left you for another person. You can’t beg, threaten, play jealousy games, and talk to your ex’s family to get another chance.

This doesn’t, however, mean that there is no work to be done.

There is always something to work on in no contact. Whether it’s correcting your shortcomings, making new friends, getting a better job, participating in more activities, or doing something that moves your life in a positive direction, you must stay busy.

This post-breakup time certainly isn’t the time to stay still and wait for things to change. By all means, grieve and do what it takes to get back on your feet. But once you deal with the shock of the breakup, start living your life again.

Staying active will return your strength and make you feel glad to be alive.

So always remember to stay busy. That way, you’ll get over your ex as quickly as possible and maximize your chances of reconciliation.

Did your ex leave you for someone else? How did your ex do it? Let us know below the post.

And if you want to talk to us about it privately, sign up for coaching with us here.

197 thoughts on “My Ex Left Me For Someone Else”

  1. Hi zan
    Me 26 and my partner 24 were together for 5 years I was going to propose on our anniversary, right before our anniversary she told me that she thinks we needed a break I pushed for us to stay together and we did. but a month later she asked for another break and when I pushed for us to stay together she came back with we need to break up and that she had lost feelings for me. I did all the wrong things i told her I loved her that we’re sole mates, I beg, I pleaded and it worked she stayed for 1 week until new years when she ended it. I still tried to get her back for a a couple weeks even after she told me that she had feelings for a coworker 35 (that has a partner and a kid) and that she had kissed him right before she asked for the first break She told me how guilty she felt. I got in contact with the coworkers partner and told her what was going on she had no idea. My ex then called me to ask why would I do that, I told her it was the right thing to do and after about 5 minutes she calmed down and agreed with me, we had a good chat and she told me that she fucked everything up and though it all away, all I said was yes you did but I still love you. The next day she was very cold with me again and told me that she had spoken to him again and he basically changed her mind on everything, I tried one last attempt to get her back I read her a hand written note asking her to come back and she just said I’m sorry no so I told her to not contact me anymore unless it’s an emergency I said goodbye and I’ll always love you. Later that night I saw that she had blocked me on all social media. It’s been 16 days since no contact and I miss her and still want her back. What do I do?

    Reply
    • Hi Jamie.

      You don’t do anything right now. You did more than enough, which is why it’s her turn to take the initiative. She still wants to be with him, so let her do that. She doesn’t deserve any more of your time. At least she admitted to cheating and told you it was not your fault.

      Kind regards,
      Zan

      Reply
  2. So I’m from Mexico so I apologize in advance if something looks out of order.

    I’ve been having a pretty rough post break-up and I decided to share this in here and hope I can clear doubts in my mind.

    For 5 years I dated a girl (let’s call her Ilonka, as we were both writers and we had a joint project she left and my favorite character she ever made was named Ilonka, so let’s call her that) whom I met at school, she was 3 years older than me (I was 13 and she was 16) and we synced up extremely well. We were seeing people at the time but we became besties in such an uncanny amount of time. We talked and became friends and even time later we assumed it was love at first sight. After 2 months and her 17th birthday, I confessed and we started dating, but she left to the south of Mexico in the Yucatan peninsula and so the rest of our relationship was long distance.

    So now let me explain our relationship as much as possible, with as many relevant events and discussions. Hopefully I don’t run off space.

    On July-August, we started dating after meeting in May 2017. A month later our first issue arrived in the form of me meeting a new girl at 9th grade whom was pretty nice to me. However, I decided to tell Ilonka about this and quickly told me to dismiss it as infatuation. She is talking pretty and nice to me, I just need to be more logical about it. And lo and behold, a month later this girl turned out to be mean and weird. And violent. So that happened, and from September 2017 to January 2018 was pretty uneventful and nice, we shared long call with each other almost every day, wrote together and played. Eventually, the second issue came with yet another girl in my life who I will assume had depression and was mentally ill, I did not liked her but she did liked me and she wanted me to date her otherwise she would kill herself. Ilonka once again told me to simply cut her off, whatever she ends up doing is and will not be my fault. So I did that, and we moved on.

    During this time I met Ilonka’s friends, and we didn’t matched that well, as we fought. This is pretty minor in itself as I never told her to stop talking to them but I just didn’t liked them but it’s important to note one of them, who will we call Juno (another character of our joint project). Juno is important for a later thing.

    The rest of 2018 was pretty ok until July, after she turned 18 and we turned one year together, and she told me she wanted to break up, but couldn’t bear to stop talking to me as friends. I tried to plead my case but she simply said it happened and it is what it is. So I accepted what she said. However, just a week later, she started dating someone she met. So I was heartbroken and just swiftly placed as just a friend. So I did something stupid by talking to her now boyfriend of the time and revealing things I shouldn’t. She found out immediately and cut me off. Blocked me. Deleted me. I realized revenge was never worth it at that point.

    So from August 25th 2018, to January 24th 2019, five months, we didn’t talked. I was sad, heartbroken, and feeling bad for my actions. I realized I fucked up big time. If I loved her, I was not to be like this. So I tried to move on and just assume she was better without me. I met a cute guy at the time and we started dating, and upon hearing of my love life, he and my best friend told me to talk to her again and try to make amends. So after a day or two of wondering if I should or not, I did it, and hoped for the best. I sent a message, closed my eyes, puked and prayed a hole ate me whole. 30 minutes later she replied. She accepted my apologies, and confessed to me she also tried to contact me during those 5 months of no contact. This guy she left me for turned out to be some asshole that made me look like Saint Dismas. So she left him and started dating someone else shortly after and there were together at the time. So we made amends and became friends one more time. This time I accepted his new partner and realized he was a nice guy.

    From maybe another 5 months, we were friends but shortly things started to erode, not for us, but others. For one, friends we had in common that we used to play and write with started going away, only a few staying. She would fight with them and because at that point, despite dating someone else, I felt like being on Ilonka’s good side. So despite who was good or bad, I joined her. Then, his current boyfriend started feeling jealous of me, and she left him for that. I fought the guy after whatever he said simply because he was being aggressive, despite their break-up not being my issue nor my problem. From my side, I left the guy I was dating and ignored my best friend’s warning about her starting to sweet talk me and being all nice and cute all of a sudden. So again, on June 2019, we gave it another shot.

    So, from June 2019 to August 2022 we continued dating. For the rest of 2019 nothing interesting happened. She and I continued our projects and she was a bit depressed at the time, but mostly we were doing ok. Around January 2020, our plan of moving together finally came to mind in the form of her mother in Italy wanting to give Ilonka citizenship, but nothing was final, so that was normally in the backburner. In 2020, we once again stayed together and we were fine, but again things happened in the outside of our relationship. Remember Juno? So she was Ilonka’s best friend from years, before me. And Ilonka stopped talking to her and hated her and what not. I felt that was unfair, as I contributed, even if it was a little by thinking she was mean, but I still felt guilty, so I reached out to Juno to see how we can mend her friendship with Ilonka. Juno was obviously a bit paranoid about me but we both cared about Ilonka and we wanted to see what we can do they two could be friends once more. So for a couple of months it worked, but quickly it was abandoned by Ilonka and me as well. Juno would talk to her every couple of months but that happened. Again, remember Juno.

    In June 2020, our actual first big fight besides back when she first left me for some other guy. She was dealing with her depression by going to therapy and (even if I didn’t knew at the time) trauma dump me every bit of baggage of her life to me for quite some time. Eventually, one day after therapy she was hesitant about change and a new life style, and especially about her not wanting to be independent and change the fact of serving someone. When I tried to motivate her she could do and be more, even citing she was 20 and she didn’t had her high school diploma yet, that she could finish her studies, but she got mad, that I only criticize her alongside Juno who also thought Ilonka could do more, and that she didn’t wanted to leave her comfort of serving someone, not wanting to be independent. I was afraid of her, of voicing my thoughts, of saying what I wanted. So I apologized, she did as well, and for the rest of our relationship we were doing fine, but I was obviously sometimes feeling bad or afraid of voicing my thoughts.

    In August 2021, some sort of on-and-off period started until next year. I was, despite me feeling a bit scared of her or if I said something out of order, happy with her. But she was on-and-off, as for a week or even months, she would say she saw me as a friend, but later would tell me she likes me and wants to live alongside me, or how I am the only person she can trust or that I am the only one that has ever withstood every tantrum or thing she did. Finally, before the big break, on December 2021, her mom wanted to finally put in full motion the idea of going to Italy and despite my doubts due to her mom (she had a bad track record, was never home, and the last time she was with Ilonka she brought home some guy from Turkey whom almost saw my girlfriend naked and later got deported). So against my better judgement, I asked my dad who is American to submit the papers for the residentship, and we did so, in hopes of working hard to make money to leave for Italy. I would take graveyard shifts, clean pools filled with bugs and dead rats, and every now and then take a 16 hour long moving job that paid well. All for her and to be together.

    The ultimatum arrived on July 2022, after her birthday, when before her birthday she didn’t spoke to me for one week, citing it to being busy, and after her birthday, another week without contact, citing once again being busy, but came clean as talking to someone she met in a Facebook RP group for a month, another girl who did that, and that she started developing feelings. Recalling that this happened with me all the way back when we started, I decided it was time to put an end to this. I shouldn’t be afraid of telling my thoughts, my plans, what I wanted, and that I needed to be clean, direct. So I told her we needed to talk. To truly clean every and any issue we had.

    The talk went for all night. She confessed to me many things and I did confessed many things to her. She did loved me and still desired me sexually despite what she thoughts were feelings for this girl. So after a long talk, she told me she loved me dearly and looked forward to living with me in Italy. I said that me too, but this couldn’t happen again, to fight and discuss another guy that came out of the blue for a day and we say it’s our real love. So for a month we were doing so well until a week before we broke off this new girl revealed that she broke up with her current partner as she was just dating her to not be alone, and Ilonka thought she was the same. I told her she was not as mean and inhumane as her, and the next day, the new girl “blocked” her. My girlfriend cried for like an hour but then her demeanor shifted and started talking shit of her, sending me voice messages of her and screenshots and mocking her. The next next day, this girl said her phone “Acted up” and all her contacts got deleted, as well as all her apps and storage.

    My girlfriend welcomed her back and I decided I shouldn’t supported the mocking of Ilonka of this new girl, and Ilonka just said that despite everything, nothing between us would change and that she wouldn’t abandoned me as I never left her when everyone else did.

    She left me the next night, when the new girl declared to her, using the sentences of “I know you are dating but I couldn’t bear to not tell you my feelings even if you have someone” and what not. I tried to plead my case, tell her it was too early, knew next to nothing and what not. I decided to ask things to see how much she was willing to be with her, and she even declared she saw herself with the new girl in 20 years and wanted to marry her. I told her she was open to make her decisions, she was 22 and she can do what she wants, but to understand that she is making a big decision, and at least, should take some time to know her and meet her actually.

    The next morning, I waked up being ghosted, with 3 messages and that’s it. The messages went like this:

    Good morning, nothing is wrong. I want you to know that I’m sorry for everything that happened. Last night I think I was not very clear with my feelings, or maybe you did not want me to be, but today I am no longer dominated by the emotions of the situation, so I can speak as such.

    I’m so sorry, but this really can’t go on like this. It’s better for both of us to go and get on with our business apart. I don’t want you looking for me or looking for you again, because I’m determined and it really is something I want to do. Yesterday I may not have said it, but my constant doubts about going to Italy with you are due to the fact that I have no more desire to continue with that plan. I’m sorry for having to say that. So please don’t look for me anymore and find someone who really loves you. Do not seek to repair something that is already broken; If you really want me to be happy, I think this is the best. Not just for you, but for me obviously.

    In the most attentive way, I ask you to let me go and not insist more. Seriously, this is hurting me a lot. I won’t tell you that you ruined my life, but I did lose a lot of things to be with you, and that’s not good. Who loses things being in a relationship? That is not healthy for anyone. You also lost things because of me, I know that and I apologize.

    And well, that’s all I wanted to download and say. I don’t want to continue with this anymore, I don’t want you to think or worry about me anymore, really. Find someone else who can love you because I can’t go on like this, boy. Not anymore.

    All of my friends, my cousin who was a therapist, everyone I knew, family, even work acquittances, they all told me the same: she was manipulative, to look for the signs. Juno however thought it was the best, almost happy for me doing bad, citing it was my fault they stopped being friends.

    I was deep in depression the first few months. I quitted and decided to call it a day, to survive with my savings and move around a bit, but I was doing horrible. I tried to call and contact her, but was always blocked. After six months, I found out she went to Italy despite her stating in her last message that was no longer her plan. I decided to just ignore everything and did better bit by bit. I started dating my best friend in January of this year, and initially I liked her but now I do really, really like her.

    But I can’t love someone when my heart still feels a void. What before felt like a powerful boom in my chest, a lack of hair, like someone was stabbing me, now it feels like a void, a small sensation of someone being missing. A big part of my heart loves my new girlfriend, but is not fair for me to still be just like this for someone who hurted me and yet I helped. Even with my faults and what I did during our first year, I tried so hard and I think at least I deserved a call and not being ghosted. She didn’t finished high school, after even offering to pay for it, she still didn’t finished it. Every whim and change of plans, I gave in. I think I just deserved one last call.

    I got a new job and saving money to move to Spain by next year, but doesn’t help that whatever I do, I can just ignore the void, but not fully work and feel happiness towards my goals or who I am dating at times.

    It’s been a year and almost 4 months since she left me. Next year I hope to move to Spain.

    Reply
  3. Hi Zan,

    my boyfriend who I was with for two years cheated on me with a girl he met on holiday in August. He then dumped me in September, by text (we live two hours away). But he didn’t tell me anything about her. He told me this in October, after she got a plane ticket and went to see him. He told me that he knew he had made a mistake and that out of respect for what we were he wouldn’t hear from her again. In the meantime, however, he had already bought tickets to visit her in Oslo at the end of November, but he told me that since he no longer heard from her he would go there with a friend of his on holiday, since he had already bought tickets. Now he is with her in Oslo, he admitted it. He lied to me for over a month saying he wasn’t hearing from her anymore to make me feel better he says. He also said that our story would have ended anyway, that he didn’t leave me for her but because there were problems in our relationship, that when he met her, inside him our story was already over. I think that many of the people who leave one person for another rarely admit that they ended a relationship precisely because they met another person. I think that to feel better and at peace with themselves, everyone tells themselves and their ex that they didn’t leave him because they met someone else but because of their own problems within the relationship. And often those problems are actually there, perhaps, but that doesn’t mean that if he wanted to dump me regardless of her, as he himself says, he could have done it before meeting her. I feel terribly bad for this too. This is why I ask, is it normal to say that he didn’t dump me for her, that he would have dumped me anyway, that inside him when he met her it was already over between us? does he believe these words? do you really think he hasen’t dumped me for someone else?

    Reply
  4. Hi Zan,
    My partner and I were together for almost 3 years and as far as I know we were very happy. She was actually the one who was ready to move more quickly than me in the beginning and it took me a bit more time to get where she was but we built a real love and our relationship was pretty much problem free. We lived in different cities but only about 1 hour away and she really wanted me to move in with her. In the final year I was ready to do so but wasn’t able to find a job in her city so I took a job in my city letting her know I would continue searching in her city and transition as soon as I could. She was a resident and very busy and began to experience depression. She was very loyal and only interested in monogamy but as her new year started she met a new friend and I started to get a strange feeling about this person. They were married and non monogamous which is fine with me, but I could tell this person was interested in my partner and would intentionally create space between us. I would bring this up to my partner, but she dismissed my co cerns telling me this person was just a friend and this friendship was very important to her.

    I trusted her explicitly so I believed her but I kept getting an awful gut feeling. Weeks later we talked about non monogamy and she suddenly told me she felt it was a requirement for her. I was surprised. Id always been more open to people in different types of relationships and she’d always been pretty unforgiving of them. I admitted to her I felt vulnerable and asked her point blank if it was about this person and she told me no. I expressed over the months several times my uneasiness with this person but never directly told her not to do anything with them. I suspect it wouldn’t have mattered because it was likely too late, they were likely messaging or flirting at the least. Then, as we were supposed to head to an important event out of town she told me her depression was too high and she cried saying she couldn’t go. I was very understanding but when I got back she told me she had slept with the friend while I’d been away. She thought it was ok because we had talked about non monogamy and yet she was nervous to tell me and I was crushed. It truly felt like surreal like I was with a total stranger. We had a difficult conversation she wanted thifns to work with us sent messages begging for us to make it work all week and I was hurt and distant but also very kind and told her I loved her and sent her a long message telling her how it had hurt and how I thought we could move forward and work on things. She sent me a house for us to look at. We saw each other that weekend and she broke up with me. Saying I was the best partner she’d ever had but she was too depressed to be with anyone at this time. I was floored and so upset and she seemed upset and told me I’d hear from her. But two weeks later when we spoke again she was cold, and hard, and accusatory. Saying I hadn’t ever responded well to her depression and that I should have moved etc. she said the friend couldn’t give her what I could give her it wasn’t about that, but two weeks later my friends saw them holding hands at a bar and whispering in each others years. The friends partner was with them. Cut to a year later and I just saw a photo of them at an event together snuggled up and looking happy. Is she happier with this person? I feel really hurt and disrespected and confused. I thought we were deeply in lvoe. I had every reason to believe so and every one in her life and mine was shocked when it all happened. But did she make the right choice for herself? And did I mess up by not moving earlier or by not noticing what she was trying to tell me she needed in her depressive state? It was never direct but I don’t know.

    Reply
    • Hi Kaye.

      Your ex didn’t just get influenced by the other person but also developed romantic feelings and cravings. She fell in love because she thought that what they had was just friendship. It was actually much more than that. It was the beginning of the attraction phase. Your ex just couldn’t friendship from attraction because she felt validated and empowered. She realized there was more to their friendship probably only a week or so before she left. That’s when she knew she was happy with that person.

      It’s not that you couldn’t make her happy, Kaye, but that she took you for granted and emotionally and physically cheated. She became confused because the other person kept reeling her in. Your gut feeling was right all along, but she didn’t take you seriously. She probably thought you were insecure and overprotective/controlling.

      I don’t know if she’s happier with this person. At some point, depression will recur. And when it does, she’ll have to face the same problems all over again. That’s because she didn’t work through them. She just swept them under the rug. Also, I don’t think you messed up with her needs. You probably could have paid more attention to it, but ultimately, depression was her responsibility. She can’t blame you for not being empathetic enough if she doesn’t open up and express what she needs.

      Sincerely,
      Zan

      Reply
      • I guess I feel so confused and hurt because she was always so devoted. We truly had a wonderful and loving relationship, had a lot in common, and her friends even still want to be my friend because they meshed so well. I suppose I still feel I should have tried harder to move. And I can’t help but feel lesser when I see a picture of the two of them togetehr a year later, looking so happy. Her friends kept saying they thought she wasn’t being herself, this new person was just a distraction, and that they thought she’d made mistake. They said only two weeks before we broke up she’d been talking about how excited she was for me to move in with her once I found a job.

        My exs new partner is married and non monogomous so she can’t offer the same type of future I could and that my ex always claimed she wanted because my ex is not her primary partner. But even still she chose that over me. How do I move forward and stop feeling so replaced or worthless?

        Reply
        • Hi Kaye.

          Sorry to hear that you feel so replaced and unwanted. When you detach, you’ll see that this isn’t about your lackings but hers. For now, try to understand why the breakup happened and that you couldn’t have done anything to stop it. The relationship required much more than one committed person to make it work. It needed her to be fully on board, which she sadly wasn’t (at least not towards the end). I suggest you give journaling and therapy a go. They help many dumpees.

          Sincerely,
          Zan

          Reply
  5. my ex was in a 8 years relationship with a girl. that girl left him and never spoke to him again. i met him less than a year after and he gave everything i would want in a relationship, but there were little things that showed he wasnt still 100% ok, for example he didnt want to make it official. so i worried a lot about us , even though everyone was telling me he seemed super in love with me and i was so lucky because he treated me so well. in the beginning it was awesome and i felt loved like never been before. i met his friends, mother, father and sister.
    we spent 14 days together because of covid and it was awesome. he treated me like a princess.
    after about 3 months he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship, because he was so into me but every time he felt that things were getting more serious he felt super anxious and wanted to bail. i cried a lot with him and afterwards he told me he wanted to try anyway but not so fast. and so we didn’t hang out with his friends anymore. but we went on dates , trips, dinner , held hands in public, and he talked about our future with a house and a dog. so i felt, even though i sometimes feared he would leave me , i felt ok . since the beginning we were long distance and only saw each other in weekends, whenever i came home, and it was hard because he’s a nurse and his schedule was absolutely terrible. but we made it work. he came to my house after work even though he was incredibly tired. met my mother and slept in my mothers house. she also said he seemed in love with me.
    after 8 months of this long distance he was always showing up tired and he didn’t like his job . so he tried to apply to new places, most of them outside of our home town. after a few weeks he got a reply from a hospital outside of town. so he went there with some other work colleagues and rented a house where they stayed all together . when he got there however everything was scary, especially because i thought he could meet other girls and there was this one girl that went there with him that always made me jealous , because she clearly liked him and they were friends for a long time. i tried not to get into scary thought or whatever and made it cool. after a while, i couldn’t take it anymore and asked him if he really wanted to be with me. he said he wanted to take a break, because everything in his life was a mess right now and his head was in a really bad place and couldn’t be happy and if he wasn’t happy with himself he couldn’t make anyone else happy. and so i waited a few weeks, until i felt i couldn’t wait anymore . so i broke things up. tried to call him to break up but he didn’t pick up. so i texted him that i couldn’t wait anymore and he ghosted me. a few weeks went by and i got the news that his uncle died so i texted him and he replied with a big apology, saying he missed me and that he was the biggest dumb in the world . i didn’t answer back for a month. after a month i went to the town he was in to meet a friend of mine who lived there for vacation. and i sent him a text, saying i was there . he said he really wanted to meet me but couldn’t because of his schedules because as a nurse he had terrible schedules. so i went home but he called me and said that he really wanted to meet me and he was sad that he didn’t see me and told me whenever he was in our home town he would meet me. and so it happened . he was in our hometown visiting his family and told me he wanted to meet me. i was super nervous and it didn’t went well, i said some dumb things, but we hugged a lot and he held my hand and stuff so it looked like he had feelings too but said he had too many memories with his old girlfriend because their relationship lasted a really long time and that he wasn’t ready to give 100% to me what i deserved and that’s why he couldn’t be with me.
    he returned to his town and didn’t talk to me again until my birthday, 3 weeks later. i told him i was sad he didn’t text me before and told him that if he didn’t like me he shouldn’t give me hope and that i felt stupid for believing in him . so he apologized and said he felt stupid too and that he never wanted to hurt me like that.
    we went no contact after this. after 3 months he unfriended me on facebook and i saw a picture of him, on valentine’s day hugging other girl. guess who – the girl that i was jealous while we were dating !!!! i felt horrible and stupid and did a bad thing – called him and left him a message saying i didn’t understand and that i wish he explained it to me – why weren’t you ready for a relationship and now he was in a full committed relationship with her. he didn’t answer.
    so here i am now. suffering a lot. i’m so sad and i always feel like you wrote in the article – that she’s better than me and that’s why he could commit to her and not me , and that he never liked me and that i was just a way for him to not be alone while looking for someone better 😔
    i am really deeply hurt because he never gave me closure and made me believe we still could be together sometime in the future , he just couldn’t be here right now.. his mother and aunt kept texting me on instagram sometimes saying i was so beautiful etc, but now he’s hugging another girl… it’s so painful.. i’m heartbroken and don’t know what to do. i’m lost.

    Reply
    • Hi Sara Silva.

      Your ex wasn’t emotionally ready for a relationship while he was with you. Long-term commitments take lots of effort. New relationships, on the other hand, don’t. They’re practically self-maintained. That explains why he’s with someone else already. You shouldn’t take that personally because it’s got nothing to do with you. The guy just used you to get over the breakup.

      Leave him alone and get over him. You’ll find someone better.

      Kind regards,
      Zan

      Reply
  6. I dated my ex for a year and three months. Before we started dating (officially ) we had already tried dating or go through talking stages, but every time things would start to go well, she would ghost me and then she would start seeing someone else. We worked it out and ended up dating, we moved in together almost right away and then I had to leave for school, so for around 13 months our relationship was long distance. We would see each other at least once a month and things worked wonderfully. At least that’s what it seemed for me. When I left for school I told her she needed to make friends and that her life couldn’t revolve around me. But she wouldn’t even bother in making friends and whenever she did, their relationship would be a little bit more friendlier than it should, but I would rarely say anything because I really wanted her to have friends. Fast forward to the last two months of our relationship, she finally has a friend group, but stops paying attention/investing in our relationship, I try talking about it, especially about one friend, let’s call him Jake. Jake is 11 years older than her, has no friends his age and seems weirdly very invested in having a strong friendship with my ex. Obviously, she ends up falling for him. One day she simply called me and said our relationship wouldn’t work because she had feelings for Jake and they were mutual, I tried convincing her that I could work with this, that he was just a crush and we loved each other. I don’t know if trying to fix it made it worse, but I still can’t believe all of this happened, I’m not trying to exaggerate our relationship but it was very healthy, mature and beautiful, or so I thought.

    Jake and my ex started dating immediately after we broke up (it’s been 2 months) I obviously haven’t tried getting back together with her. Not since the last time we saw each other. It kills me and it hurts so bad to see that she moved on so quickly from our relationship. I obviously would love to see her come back and tell me she is sorry and that she regrets everything that happened between us. But I know better now. I don’t ever want to see her again. And it’s not because I’m mad, not even a little bit. She disrespected me and everything we stood for. I cannot handle cheaters. She started a relationship while being in one with me. I have lost respect for her.

    Reply
    • Hi B.

      I’m shocked at how shamelessly she admitted to having feelings for Jake. She considered it destiny rather than cheating and betrayal. I hope you take this time to reflect on the relationship and her behavior. It will help you get over her and pick better partners in the future.

      Stay strong!
      Zan

      Reply
  7. I was dating a guy for six years (I am 53 he is 50) he said he just didn’t want to have a girlfriend but we still saw eachother. One day I found a girl (age 29) leaving his place. During the next year he’s gone back and forth with the both of us and last month was the sixth time he went back. Only this time he blocked and ignored me. And just a few days ago thought to get ahold of me and tell me that is where he is at and wants to be. He tries to say he loves us both but we have had issues. Yes him cheating this wasn’t first person. I just don’t think he loved me ever

    Reply
    • Hi Ramona.

      Every time he went back to that girl, his respect for you decreased. I’m not saying it’s your fault, but you should probably have given up on him the second time you caught him. You need to love yourself now. Forget about him.

      Best regards,
      Zan

      Reply
  8. I’ve recently broken up with my girlfriend of 4 years. We were good together and never argued in our time together, i’d go as far to say we were soulmates. We had also lived together with her 2 children and my child for the duration of lockdown. As far as i was aware all was going well.
    She had recently moved into a new home and due to life problems i was going through a period of depression, of which i had spoken about to her and asked her for support during this time. Well… during this time she had reconnected with an ‘old friend’, He had been helping her around the new house but nothing had happened between them in the past (or so im told). They ended up going out for drinks and having a ‘drunken kiss’. I was prepaired to let that slide as we all make mistakes. This came up every time we saw eachother for the next three weeks. Then she wanted a break, from me and him. A week later she chose him, as i had pushed her away.
    She’s collected her things but still has my key and a few other possesions. I’ve luckily got my head in a better place than it was but understand that i still need to work on myself. Yet i’d still do anything to have her and her children in my life, she also wishes to see my child as they mean alot to her and her children. theres been limited contact since the breakup and it is usually me who reaches out 1st,
    i’m not sure if i should go no contact for the sake of the kids :/

    Reply
    • During those 3 weeks where it was being bought up, each time we came to the conclusion that we were worth fighting for and that it was a minor thing that could be forgiven, we parted with i love you’s and hugs, until the next week. Even when she collected her things after the breakup, we kissed, hugged and exchanged i love you’s.
      I now feel like the last few months of our relationship were shrouded in lies, as i cannot understand how we went from ‘worth fighting for’ to ‘its over, i’m persuing things with him’

      Reply
    • Hi I once believed.

      You should do what’s best for you and the kids. That means you should have limited no contact. Talk to your ex only when it concerns the kids and other important matter you guys need to discuss.

      Kind regards,
      Zan

      Reply
  9. I had been dating a guy who ticked all my boxes for 2 months everything was going great and he insisted at the start any girl he date ‘exclusively’ would want to get married and have a child.

    I had made an of hand comment about I had two life plans one to have 2 kids and if that didn’t work out to buy myself a flat.

    On the same day he said he had told me something he clearly hadn’t and I made a joke that it was probably one of his other girls and he ‘joked’ probably.

    Fast forward to the Wednesday and I asked what our weekend plans were and he said we shouldn’t meet up this weekend that he was supper busy. I tried to insist and he responded he didn’t like discussing what he wanted to do with his own free time and. he would need free time to date other people because our views weren’t aligned. He cited my of hand comment as the reason and claimed he had a female friend that wants to date him.

    I felt he was slightly less responsive that week but I had assumed it was work related. In retrospect I feel like he wanted to date other people and was looking for an excuse. I said if he would use that excuse and me asking him to spend time with him as a reason to date others and say these things he should date them and walked away. I have been in no contact for a week but I finally went on a dating site and got a date for friday who seems really nice.

    I want him back because he ticks my boxes and it was an early relationship but im scared he wont contact me. I deleted his number to remove temptation and I am focusing on my date but I am hoping to get him back even though he is an ass.

    Reply
    • Hi Orb.

      You’re thinking irrationally (with your heart) at the moment. When you detach, I guarantee that you won’t want him back because you’ll regain self-respect and realize you don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t value you as much as you value him. For now, stay in no contact and keep moving on.

      Stay strong!
      Zan

      Reply
      • Like clockwork he messaged me the day after his birthday i.e today about 23 days later but I am over it so 🤷🏿‍♀️. For people out there struggling get on with your life they will comeback when you no longer want them. Focus on you!!!

        Reply
  10. My ex told me recently that for the last four months of long distance relationship that she didn’t feel emotionally attached to me any more *September to December* she broke up with me in December. I come to find out that within 3 months to 4 months after we broke up she moved in with her new boyfriend who is 7 years older than me and says I’m wasn’t established enough for her despite graduating with two degrees while she was still in school…. And continued to projected my faults as the reason I couldn’t be with her or that I wasn’t good match for her…. I feel stuck and that struck a blow. I don’t want to admit I was emotionally cheated on but the timeline makes sense…… it’s my first time ever dealing with that…… I’ve never been cheated on let alone emotionally.. I’m handling it ok but I’ve been trying to find different ways to cope with it……. And heal….. and I was the one in wrong in the relationship?

    Reply
    • Also we dated for a year and 3 months….. I should wish her well but it hurts and I get bitter every now and then but i don’t want be…..

      Isaac

      Reply
      • Hi Isaac.

        It’s okay to be angry with her. She betrayed you and moved in with someone right away. This says a lot about the kind of person she is. It’s not your fault she fell out of love and is resentful. The girl didn’t have the right relationship mentality to communicate her worries and doubts. She just allowed herself to detach and claim you weren’t compatible with her.

        Stay away from her, Isaac. She’s a danger to herself.

        Best regards,
        Zan

        Reply
  11. Hello,
    So I was in a long distance relationship with my ex for one year. she broke up with me 6 months ago and then i find out that she is dating someone else who apparently is from her college 🙂
    we started dating during covid when people had nothing to do than just stay in their houses. Long distance or not it was like dream come true tbvh. She has been on my insta since a very long time and i dky whenever i saw her pictures, i felt like i knew this person from a past life or something. I just felt like home with her not going to lie and when we started dating, i felt like the most happiest man alive. Untill the end of 2021, when things stared to go south between us. Slowly covid started to crumble and everyday life was resuming again. Which created a huge communication gap between us. We used to communicate like crazy before things started to go normal but we slowly started to drift apart. Her behavior became cold day by day and I would sense a huge gut feeling that something was not right. Then the start of this year, when we had our last communication, I asked if she lost interest in me to which she was like “i don’t know, maybe, i guess” and then boom came “i think its better we should end things”. Oh boy didn’t that hit hard, It was like being hit by a train. I was an emotional mess, cried like crazy but she never even flinched, like if she never even cared about me in the first place. she asked me if i could be her friend which i kindly rejected without saying anything. i begged and pleaded for day or two but then i had enough. i apologized for all my wrongdoings and forgave her without calling her names. i told her to date other people if she wanted to and if she wanted to come back i would accept her. for three months i was moving on just fine until recently i found out that she has changed her insta bio and is surprisingly more pro active. then I found out that she is basically going out with someone from her college. Like i know i told her to date other people but this quickly? i feel all sorts of things right now and basically back to the same spiral i was in before. Is this guy a rebound? was this guy in the picture during our relationship? this very question is consuming my mind right now

    Reply
    • Hi Ryan.

      This guy may have been in the picture during the relationship and caused the breakup. But if that’s the case, she didn’t have what it took to be in a relationship with you. He’s probably not a rebound as she’s lost feelings for you. It’s important that you work on improving your independence, Ryan. If you don’t improve in this regard, you could overwhelm your partners and make them lose interest.

      She’s dating again not because you told her to but because it’s what she wants. I suggest that you don’t/stop checking up on her. What she does now is no longer your concern. The less you know about her new life the better.

      Kind regards,
      Zan

      Reply
  12. I was seeing a women for 3 1/2 years. We had a little girl and were both ambitious and hard working. Since the beginning of the relationship though I felt like she didn’t respect me as if I asked her to help me with our shared responsibilities she would never do it and if I was upset that she wasn’t doing her part it seemed to me she didn’t care. She would break up with me as a threat often in the beginning and I would just wait for her to calm down so that we could work it out. This went on for a while but eventually slowed down. I would give her massages and try to help her with her family as we all lived together in a house. Money was always an issue as she didn’t like charging her family for things so she was always broke but I would try to help. I helped her with school and her self esteem because she thought she was ugly because she was a bit over weight. She was very conservative when it came down to sex. At first only wanting to do missionary and she had her first orgasm with me. Her ex she had married and been together for 8 years but she had never climaxed. I would get frustrated because there was a sex act I wanted her to do and she would try but I think that frustration carried into other arguments. I think in that since I failed as I thought about it several times and realized that it wasn’t that important to me. I helped her family when her sister lost custody because she was dating a druggy and I became a temporary guardian. I was mean to her sister but her sister was the only one who had my back after all this so I apologized to her. I would wash her clothes and clean our room and take care of our child while she pursued her career. I did this while also being in school and working full time. I was argumentative and gave her the cold shoulder when she wouldn’t take me serious but I had been there for her so many times It’s hard to count. I lent her thousands of dollars for a house she wanted to buy during the initial break out of covid even though I thought it was a bad idea and put strain on her because she was pregnant. We had been through so much together but last year. She had been working a lot and I was really upset because I never saw her or spent time with her. I would stay up late waiting for her just so we could watch tv together. I would hurry at work so I could see her as soon as possible. Right before we broke up she had been cold and distant. When we did break up I consoled her and spent time hugging and holding her and telling her I loved her. I tried to focus on school but it was difficult. Our daughter gets sick and ends up in the hospital and me and her have a talk and she tells me she started to talk to someone she supposedly just met and who supposedly just started at her job. She had asked me to buy her new clothes two weeks or so before and seemed really excited about it for some reason. I had a weird feeling but I whole heartedly trusted her. After we broke up i made the mistake of begging and pleading. I didn’t want this type of life for my daughter. After I decided to go no contact and focus on myself she tries to talk to me and I end up crying and trying to bargain with her and she gets frustrated and tells me we’ll never get back together. I confront some of her horrible behavior towards me because It is hard to understand how she could be so cruel. After I tell her I still care about her and she says she felt the same. Fast forward and one morning she stops by my place to see our daughter and hugs me out of no where. She pulls away for a second to look at my expression and I’m incredibly confused. I was finally doing better and this is really strange. Then she hugs me again intensely and says that she just got news from her school and that she is passing and is really happy and thankful for all my help. Then she starts to reminisce about our daughter. I act cold and indifferent to her. Later on I get a call from our daughters physical therapist that she missed her appointment and I send my ex a text curious as to what is going on. She calls me later that day telling me she forgot about the appointment and tells me she is going to the zoo with our daughter and asks if I work that evening and I did so I say yes. She says ok and we hang up. And later she sends me pictures. When I go to pick up my daughter later that week my ex is asking if I want to feed my daughter breakfast at her house or mine and I say mine and my ex asks me if I liked the pictures she sent me of our daughter and I say I do but I’m not looking at my ex in the eye at all and sort if ignoring her. Which I know was dumb because I did miss her but was hurt.
    I was always with our daughter. I woke up with our daughter and gave her breakfast and when I would get home my ex wasn’t very good at putting her to bed so I would do that as well. I would see my daughter at my exs place but stopped going so I could heal and move on. And my ex starts to come to my place to see our daughter. Almost everyday that she is with me. I am doing new things like working out or jiu jitsu so I tell my ex to communicate with my mom who watches her so that I don’t have to speak with her and see her. A few weeks ago I tell her to not come around because it is hard on me and I just want to move on. And that unless it’s about my daughter to not communicate with me. I apologize for my behavior as well and she threatens to take me to court and also tells me she is pregnant. It was hard but hearing that helped me move on honestly. After that she’s randomly texted me telling me she had been really emotional because she misses our daughter. She’s come over and starts to vent about the debt she’s in and her stress from work. She calls me and says that our daughter wants to talk with me. Our daughter is 1 and 1/2 years and I don’t think she can communicate that. I don’t answer her calls anymore and don’t reply right away because if I send her a message she doesn’t reply right away or at all at times so I felt like it wasn’t fair. My mom was receiving my child tonight and she said that my ex was all dressed up to go out with her bf. My ex had been making it sound like all she did was work to me when she was talking to me so I was under the impression that they may have separated but then she tells my mom that they are going out that night and that they are going to the fair together and to let her know what days because they don’t want to run into me and our daughter at the fair. My questions are
    1. Did I miss my chance to reconcile with my ex? I feel like I had
    2. Do you think I deserved what happened? Like yes I did argue a lot but I was also good to her and am not sure how much of this was my fault.
    3. She’s never told me she misses me just that she cared about me that one time and that she had made a lot of mistakes in our relationship. So is she in a rebound relationship?
    4. Why is my ex acting this waaaaay!?!?!?!! Lol

    Reply
      • Hi Daniel.

        Your ex monkey-branched. There were so many unresolved issues in your relationship that the outcome of your relationship could not be changed. To change it, you would both have to mature and invest in the relationship equally. By the looks of it, you were more invested than her, so she eventually lost all interest. Instead of giving more, she gave less, so she developed feelings for someone else.

        You never got a chance to reconcile, so you didn’t miss the chance.
        You didn’t deserve to get cheated on, Daniel. But you do have some things to work on. I suggest you do that.
        She’s in a new relationship, not in a rebound one. That doesn’t mean it’s going to be successful, though.
        She’s acting this way because of her personality. She’s found someone else to date, so she stopped valuing in. She’s looking forward to a future with him and needs to be cut off immediately.

        Stay strong, Daniel!

        Zan

        Reply
        • I realize now I should have respected her boundaries and maybe have been more independent. Had more friends and hobbies so I wouldn’t have been so needy. As well as taken her out more often so we could have had more positive experiences not just negative ones. My brother says that I can’t put the blame on myself like I have been. That although I did argue and stuff I also helped her a lot with a lot of different things and that another person wouldn’t have taken that for granted. That a person that really loves and respects you does everything they can to make things work. I understand our relationship had issues. Money, her family, as well as her lack of care. I just feel like this is my fault. Like I screwed it up because I wasn’t mature enough.

          Reply
          • Hi Daniel.

            Like your brother says, it’s not your fault. Not entirely at least. Both people need to work on the relationship together. Your ex was the one who decided to quit, so she wasn’t exactly the most loyal person who would persevere when she needed to the most.

            Hang in there, Daniel!

            Zan

            Reply
  13. I didn’t have anyone waiting when I broke up with my ex, but you could say I left him for the idea of someone new. I did briefly see someone new about three weeks later, but we didn’t know each other at all before that. Even if that first fling didn’t amount to much, it assured me that I could do better than what I left behind if I kept my options open.

    Reply
    • Hi Jaycie.

      The person you met after the breakup essentially gave you the push you needed to move forward with your life. It helped you see that there are plenty more people out there who desire you and want to build something with you.

      Sincerely,
      Zan

      Reply
      • My ex-fiance and I had been together for five years. He moved across the country for me a year ago because of my new job but we were still long distance, essentially, about a 4 hour drive away. We were going to get married in 3 months, but then we started having arguments about the upcoming wedding because of financial restraints, and the distance making it hard for us to plan together and be close with each other. About a month ago, I found out that he had started seeing a coworker, and after I found out, he broke up with me. I was in shock, and that coworker he had a fling with actually called me and told me that she was in love with him because of the way he was in love with me – the way he talked about me all the time at work. I couldn’t believe how shameless and horrible she was, yet he still wanted to be with her despite knowing that. Initially right after the break up, he was cold, distant, and completely different than the person I knew he was, despite me sending a letter detailing how I felt, my emotions, our good times together, and that the problems we had were solvable. I found out last week from his brother that he was moving really fast with this coworker. They were together pretty much all the time and practically moved in together. We had a phone call, our last phone call, this past weekend, to tidy up things regarding the wedding and to get closure, because he broke up with me over text three weeks prior. During the phone call, we cried, talking about the beautiful memories we made. I said I would like to still be friends, because we started out being best friends. But he said any mention of me or seeing me on his phone makes her jealous and mad. He said he couldn’t do the distance anymore because it was so hard and he admitted he chose her because of proximity. He admitted he would never feel as comfortable as he is with me with her or anyone else. She made him delete our text messages but he refused to delete our pictures. He said we can’t text anymore so he said the next time he texts me, will be if they break up. And at the end, he cried as he said he loves me forever, that I am the kindest and most perfect angel he’s ever met, and that he misses me. If he says all of this, why doesn’t he break up with her and come back to being with me? I know I have to enforce the indefinite no contact rule, but is there any hope of reconciliation after this?

        Reply
        • Hi CA.

          It seems that your ex preferred and prioritized the physical relationship with his new girlfriend over a long-distance one with you. He essentially stopped valuing you and cheated on you when he developed a connection with that new person. She seems to be a bit controlling, so he might not like that once he stops being infatuated with her. If he comes back, it will likely be after that relationship has ended.

          Kind regards,
          Zan

          Reply
          • Why would he say the things about loving me forever and missing me and keep reopening our old messages/snapchats, etc that I get notifications to recently? The official break up was approximately three weeks ago but he still read our message up until yesterday…

            Reply
            • Hi CA.

              He can’t just forget about you that quickly. He needs to process the breakup in his own way, which is why he sometimes gets curious and wants to see if he missed anything. As for saying that he loves you, don’t think much of it. He just feels bad or sad or both for breaking your heart.

              Best,
              Zan

              Reply
              • Hi Zan,

                Do you think that there is truly a chance of him coming back after everything? Will indefinite no contact work for him to come back? I read a lot of your articles lately as I am in utter heartbreak still and it seems he did exhibit the signs of GIGS and monkey branched/cheated and is now in a rebound relationship?

              • HI CA.

                I’m not sure whether he’ll come back. He doesn’t know that either because he’s being his best self at this moment. He’s limerent, so he needs more time to drop his act and show his true colors. It’s unlikely that he’s rebounding though. He’s a monkey-brancher most likely.

                Kind regards,
                Zan

  14. My ex of 14 years broke up with me 2 weeks ago. Due to Covid and other factors we had been long distance for a while. He met another woman last week and broke it off with me. He stated that he and this woman had an instant connection, she was amazing and perfect, and that he couldn’t pass up the opportunity to pursue a relationship with her. He began this relationship before he had the courage to end ours. I immediately went no contact but he has reached out to me a few times since the break up and expressed wanting to maintain a friendship. He told me that he’s already met her family and they love him and she has moved in with him (after 2 weeks!!!). Also, he felt the need to tell me that this new woman talks about me constantly and is extremely jealous of our prior relationship. She checks his phone and Facebook, etc… to make sure that he’s not spoken to me. He still has all of our pictures on Facebook which he says he’s not going to remove because of memories but she won’t friend him on Facebook because of the pictures. Not my problem. He also said that he still has ‘love for me’ and will always be there for me but wants me to find a good guy that will love me as much as he did. He told me to call him to talk if I wanted because this new girl is at work from 9:30am to 6:30pm each day. I definitely am not going to get myself into a pickle doing that. I spoke with his mother and she says not to maintain contact with him because he wants to have one foot in and one foot out of the door and that’s not fair to me or the new person he’s with. I’m still trying to rap my head around the whole situation. I know he had been very upset about the distance between us but two weeks prior we were going to be closer (physically) to one another again and things were going to change. I have cried, blamed myself, and now I’m just resigned because I have to work on healing. He says he’s hurting just as much as me but how is that possible?

    Reply
    • I’m currently going thru a terrible relapse.
      My initial breakup was in May.
      I haven’t experienced any anxiety since, I don’t know what has happened tonight.
      I feel like I’ve been slapped in the face with a Brick.
      All those memories are flooding in.
      I’m trying my best.
      Digging up a few of these fabulous articles to make me feel better.
      My ex left me for someone else, I’ve been nothing but good to him.
      Pray for me guys.💕

      Reply
      • Same for me, Jodi.
        Ex left in May and I was doing better, but now with the holidays here I find myself missing her..
        I’m praying for you…

        Reply
    • Hi Nadine.

      Your ex doesn’t even understand the issues his new relationship is going to face. He sees that his girlfriend is jealous, but that’s just the beginning. They’re still in love, so wait for them to get to know each other and used to each other. I think they’ll have a lot of things to figure out.

      I suggest that you cease all contact with your ex. Focus on healing and wait for them to break up. I’m not saying they will, but the road ahead definitely won’t be as easy as he initially thought.

      Kind regards,
      Zan

      Reply
  15. I must tell you my story which is happening right now. My ex fiancee betrayed on me with some guy from her new job (“only “emotional).
    We were together 8 years (7 years we rented a flat together), we were engaged and we had wedding date in 2022.
    It started in the end of may, this year. She had been writing everyday with one guy from her new job. I didn’t know about it. I had to go to my family town for 4 weeks and at that time, she had been wondering about our relationship because of that guy.
    I have to mention that while this 8 years together, we were really great pair. She was happy, I was happy and it was seen by everybody because it was true and I felt it, she neither. Anyway, she confessed that if she hadn’t met that guy, our relationship would’t have changed at all.
    In august, I found out about everything and proved to her all evidence printed on paper. She was in shocked and she was beggining me for a second chance. Unfortunately, I gave her this chance but after 2h, she changed her mind and he gone to family town. After a few days and after my and her family persuasion, she moved out from our rented flat to her new flat. During her leaving, I was really calm and I didnt beg her to stay. I just said her “good luck” and kissed her for forehead. I saw, she was almost crying. After that, I didn’t contact with her for 3+ weeks. In the end of next month I had my birthday. I found out that she was scared about that day but she wished me all the best but via email. After that I called to her 3 times. Every time when we were talking, she was really nice to me, but the reason of my calls was that I wanted to get back all “wedding documents” (booking etc). She promised me to get it back but till today I haven’t received any documents.
    I must mention one more important fact.. during her moving out, she has taken her engaged ring and all stuffs which I gave her (even the stuffs which resamble only about us, our love!)
    I know that she writes with that guy but they are not together YET! Problaby she is blocked because of our long term-relationship? I don’t know.. I know that she is stalks me on instagram, watches my stories. I don’t know quite what to do now. I haven’t spoken with her for 16 days (last phone call). I deeply feel that she will not go ahead but I’m afraid of this.
    I’m wondering about one thing… why has she taken all this stuff? It loos like she is not sure what to do.

    Reply
    • Hi Kevin.

      Your ex is sure she wants to be with the new guy. She took her stuff with you only because it’s hers and means more to her than to you. You need to leave this girl alone forever. Let her enjoy her life while you focus on getting over her.

      Once you’re over her, she’ll get through the love stage with the guy and might encounter problems. That’s when you can expect to hear from her.

      Stay strong!
      Zan

      Reply
      • Update:

        After almost 3 months of no contact, I got a lot of information about my ex. First of all, I found out that she broke any contact with this guy after 2 weeks of my no contact rule (it was in half of october). On half of november, she started asking about me and she was crying when she was talking about me to our mutual friend. In the end of november, I found out that she was wondering if I wanted to get her back and she was confoused, why I didn’t chase her, because she was expecting this kind of behaviour from me. I also got information that she has bad mood because she realized that we are not together anymore so I think, she is on this stage where I was but 3 months ago.
        I’m wondering now if she get brave and write to me… this time is the best and last chance to try to get back together because Christmas Eve is the best opportiunitive to reconcile.

        What do you think about it? Will she contact me?

        One thing is for sure… Im not gonna text her first. If she wants me back, she must contact me first and understand what she made wrong.

        Reply
        • Hi Kevin.

          If she’s regretful, she’ll reply to you. Rest assured that she won’t let you go. This Christmas season could make her feel lonely and sad, so it could help you from that perspective. I think you’ll hear from her, Kevin. Stay in no contact and keep moving forward with your life. Stop for her only when she wants you back.

          Kind regards,
          Zan

          Reply
  16. My husband and I have been together over 20 years, high school sweethearts. He started coming home late ( like the next day) and I asked him to stop. He didn’t so I packed his things and put them in our extra bedroom. He came home and moved his things out of our house to move in with one of his mistresses. He said he needed a leave of absence from the marriage, but doesn’t want a divorce. He lied to me saying he was getting his own apartment. I later found out he was staying with this female and moved into a new apartment with her when her lease was up. Then he begged me to come meet him to tell me that he misses me terribly and never really meant to leave. He says he was only trying to prove a point since I moved his clothing. That was a lie. He then began to date me while living with this female, including taking me on weekend getaways. I cut him off. Recently found out they haven’t even been living together for two months and he is already cheating on her with other women too. He is a total douche bag. He will never touch me again. She can have that misery all to herself….oh and the rest of his women. lol

    Reply
    • Hi Mia.

      Sorry to hear your ex betrayed you like this. At least you won’t have to listen to him lie to you and mistreat you anymore. Cut contact with him so you can heal.

      Best,
      Zan

      Reply
  17. Hi Zen,
    My boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago.
    We were not seeing each other often because he was really busy.
    He told me he doesn’t want to make me wait or dissapoint me anymore and that’s why he ended the relationship with the desire to be truly friends.
    I agreed and was friendly with him during the brake up.(but in reality I was truly devastated and suffering).
    He contacted me after 3 weeks saying he saw me in his dream and started being very very sexual and insisted of seeing me every day.
    I was not healed yet so I was coming up for the reasons to not see him just yet. But he was not being friendly at all.
    Recently, I discovered that he is dating the girl, which he told me was his friend when I saw their very close pictures together.
    I’m guessing he cheated on me… at least emotionally.
    Now I wonder, how do I navigate in this situation correctly.
    Your advice will be super helpful.
    Thank you!

    Reply
    • Hi Emma.

      It’s highly likely that he cheated on you. He wouldn’t break up with you that easily and so casually (unemotionally) if he had issues with you.

      Now you must refuse to be friends. Respond to him in a way that shows you’re putting yourself first and that you won’t settle for friendship. Don’t be afraid of saying you don’t want to be friends right now. If your ex can date other women, you can refuse to talk to him too.

      Kind regards,
      Zan

      Reply
  18. Zan,
    About 3 weeks ago, my wife of 7 years (together for 14) told me that she wanted to separate and was in love with another woman. This woman was a friend of ours. About 4 years ago, we were going through a rough patch and we’re both unhappy and seemed to be distancing. I made a bad decision and cheated. It was one time and I knew it was a mistake. Yes, I told her about it and ended it as quick as is started. She forgave me and we worked to stay together (or so I thought). She has told me that she started developing feelings for our friend for 3 years and is ‘in love’ with her and they have been spending all their time together. We still live in the same house as we figure out each other’s next move. Which should not take long as we’ve spoke with a realtor. We’ve been in the house for 10 years now and we have a lot of memories with our 3 kids (2 from my first and 1 from hers – all adults). She’s asked to stay in the house, but cannot afford to buy me out. Also, her adult child lives with us. Finally, we were friends before we started dating and she keeps telling me that we are best friends and wants me to stay in the house as long as I’m comfortable. Same goes for her girlfriend. However, I do see / feel the distancing from her. Yes, it’s painful and i was not aware of her feelings as things seemed to be good as we were planning things together.
    After reading your article, I definitely have some new perspectives. I can’t say I’ve done it right for the first few weeks, but I have been working on myself and doing things for myself. I realize now that she checked out 3 years ago and I was unaware. I’m not sure if I should remain friends and what to do about the house. My guilt wants to make it work, but it is VERY strange situation.

    Reply
    • Hi Sully.

      Thanks for the comment. Unlike you who pulled away quickly after cheating, your wife doesn’t want to do the same. She’s acting on her feelings rather than stopping them because she’d let them grow over the years. This means that she’ll have to go through the cycle of love with her girlfriend. She’ll have to date her and see how she feels about her after they’ve gotten to know each other.

      For now, you must leave her alone as much as possible, Sully. If you try to stop her or talk about things that don’t concern her anymore, you’ll smother her and see her act cold.

      Kind regards,
      Zan

      Reply
  19. My wife left me for a friend of mine we have 3kids together and now I’m losing it I can’t cope we had A great life without fights and never really argued and I went to work long distance and weeks after that she let me know that she wants A divorce and so learned that she left me for my Friend I need help to cope.

    Reply
    • Hi Viaan.

      I’m sorry to hear your wife did that. I think you should leave your wife and your friend alone for now and get some help coping with anxiety. Sign up for therapy and as difficult as it may be, stay busy. You don’t need to know what’s going on with them. You just need to heal.

      Kind regards,
      Zan

      Reply
  20. I was with my partner for almost 9 years. We had a house together, were in the process of adopting kids and were generally happy, so I thought. One day a guy from another nearby community added him to Facebook and they started chatting. The guy seemed nice and we thought he could be a gay friend for us, since we lived in a rural area with not a lot of gay people around. About two weeks later my partner and the guy met when he and his boss were in town for dinner. I couldn’t join the dinner, as I had a massage. Well, they hit it off at the dinner and low and behold, two weeks later he left me. He told me when he met the guy, he realized he had feelings for him and that had our relationship been strong he wouldn’t have had these feelings. He also brought up a lot of issues I had never been aware of or knew were even a problem. He tried to pressure me to leave the house, but I wasn’t budging until we went through a formal separation. He went and stayed with the new guy during this time, then, once it was time for me to move out when the settlement was finalized, the guy was moved in to the house the same day I moved out. He even started moving some of the new guys stuff into the shed a couple of days before I left. The biggest kicker, the new guy is deeply religious and devout catholic, but apparantly had no issue hopping into this relationship.
    I have struggled a lot with this, but am taking it one day at a time. Part of me wants him still, but I found this article very helpful in that I need to keep moving forward and be confident in myself, even when I don’t feel that way.

    Reply
    • Hi Geoff.

      I’m sorry to hear your ex cheated on you and left you for another person. You need to know that it wasn’t your fault your ex developed feelings for this new person, but rather his lack of willpower and commitment. He can blame you all he wants, but in the end, he left because he couldn’t resist the attention he received from the new person. It’s how cheaters leave; they neglect their relationship and focus on the new person so much that they get confused and attracted.

      Stay strong!
      Zan

      Reply
      • Hi zan,
        My wife left me for someone almost 2 years and I’ve begged for reconciliation but never work till now. I came across your acticle and started no contact and she has contact me once when in no contact. She just ask of me and where I’ve been and even ask me about my project that I’ve been executing. I don’t know what she’s after as she contact me. I’m in a confused State and don’t know what to do now. Any advice.
        Thanks.

        Reply
        • Hi Jacob.

          Your ex probably contacted you to check up on you. It’s best that you reply politely and concisely. She’ll tell you if she wants you back, so don’t stay hopeful. Keep moving forward and you’ll get yourself back soon!

          Best regards,
          Zan

          Reply
          • Hi zan,
            My wife has started contacting me and telling me she miss me and that she believes we are meant to be. She promised to visit me but didn’t. What does she wants to mean.
            Thanks
            Jacob

            Reply
            • Hi Jacob.

              She’s probably having second thoughts. This doesn’t mean she’s back yet. You have to wait for her actions to match her words.

              So wait for things to escalate.

              Kind regards,
              Zan

              Reply
              • Bi, my girlfriend of 6 years left me last year before lockdown. She moved back to her home country and I tried very hard to move on but eventually decided I was still in love with her.

                She came back last September and we got onnso well she stayed for 8 months. Things were really good and I thought we had a future together. She went back to see her family about 2.5 months ago, originally for only a month but that stretched. A month ago she said she didn’t see a future with me, I thought ok.

                She’d come back for a year to work and I thought probably not healthy but we could see how it went. A week ago she tells me she’s not coming now because it’s not a good idea and has been generally very distant. Two days ago she tells me she’s definitely not coming (today was her flight) and that she’s met someone about a week ago and he’s her soul mate.

                She even sent me pictures of them holding hands and kissing. Very confused, a month ago she told me she loved me and missed me. Didn’t expect this.

                I read your article which is helpful, I followed these steps the first time but eventually realised I still love her. I fear that will happen again and I don’t know what to do.

              • Hi Jack.

                You’d given this person more than enough chances already. Now, it’s time to respect yourself and stay away from her. She’s dating someone else which means she’s fallen out of love with you. If you keep talking to her, you’ll see an even colder, meaner side to her. So go no contact and give her the space she needs.

                Something really bad must happen to this person before she’s able to see your worth. And also, remember that she’s infatuated with the new person and isn’t thinking clearly. It’ll take her a few months to stop feeling so elated about him.

                Kind regards,
                Zan

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