If your ex has hurt you badly and you’re browsing the internet, trying to learn how to get revenge on your ex, you need to know that taking revenge on an ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend isn’t going to solve your problems.
It might temporarily make you feel good because you’ll get even with your ex, but when the adrenaline rush wears off and guilt kicks in, you’re most likely going to regret it.
You’re going to regret it because you’ll get over the pain your ex has caused you and stop feeling the need to punish your ex for his or her mistreatment. That’s when you’ll shift your focus to yourself and discern that you’ve hurt your ex just to make yourself feel better.
On top of that, you’ll also realize that you’re not any better than your ex and as a result, consider yourself a vindictive, impulsive person who hurts exes and those who treat you badly.
Keep in mind that as long as you care about your morals and behavior, your poor actions are going to define you. They are going to brand you as a vengeful person and stay with you for a very, very long time.
Most likely until you’ve suffered for so long that you get fed up with self-blame and forgive yourself for taking revenge on your ex.
So before you take revenge on an ex who used you, abused you, hurt you, cheated on you, monkey-branched, ghosted, lied, or did something just as bad, tell yourself that you mustn’t react to your ex’s breach of trust and get back at your ex.
Remind yourself that your ex isn’t worth the trouble and that you won’t be able to justify your retaliation no matter what your ex did or didn’t do.
That’s because you’ll understand you had poor self-control and understanding of justice.
I know that you didn’t deserve to get treated the way that your ex treated you and that your ex should have been more patient, caring, and supportive. Your ex should have communicated with you and looked for healthy solutions.
That’s why I’d like to say that it’s perfectly normal to feel this way. It’s especially normal to feel this need for vengeance if the breakup just occurred, it’s your first breakup, or if your ex showed you anything but care and respect.
But keep in mind that if you take matters of justice into your own hands and simply react to your ex’s betrayal in an equally destructive way, you won’t let karma find its way to your ex.
You might, of course, teach your ex a powerful lesson to never again treat people the way that he or she treated you, but other than that, you won’t feel great about the lessons you forced on your ex.
Eventually (once you stop feeling the need for revenge), you’ll completely stop caring about teaching your ex valuable lessons and realize that your life isn’t about your ex.
It’s about you and the people who care about you.
This post is for people trying to learn how to get revenge on an ex in ways that hurt their ex and make them feel better as a result.
Why do you feel the need to make your ex suffer?
Let’s start by stating the obvious; you’re not the only person who wants the dumper to suffer. There are millions of dumpees out there who are going through a breakup just like you and want their exes to feel how they feel.
They want their inconsiderate exes to get a taste of their own medicine and suffer for their wrongdoings.
But there’s a reason why they want to get back at their exes so badly.
That reason is that human beings have a natural urge to hurt back those who hurt us. By striking back, we stand up for ourselves and regain the lost power and self-importance that was taken away from us when our self-esteem took a toll.
Right after the breakup, we feel powerless and tend to blame ourselves. But when we pick ourselves back up, we enter the anger stage of a breakup and regain enough strength to defend ourselves. That’s when we become capable of doing something nasty.
I suppose it depends on our values and self-control.
So if you think about that for a minute, you’ll realize that people knowingly or unknowingly hurt an ex for 2 simple reasons.
- They have a strong desire to control a situation they lost control over.
- They have poor self-awareness, self-control, or moral values.
When we hurt our ex after the breakup, we instantly get our justice and feel empowered. We get a strong feeling that we have our life under control and that we get to decide how we feel towards ourselves and others.
The only problem with this feeling is that it runs out very quickly and that hurting a person back is very primal and obsolete. It’s a craving we’ve developed during the early stages of evolutionary development when our cavemen ancestors spent their days sitting in caves, throwing rocks at each other.
They couldn’t resolve things intelligently, so they hurt each other physically. People still do that today, of course, but the point I’m trying to make is that hurting someone else is completely unnecessary. It doesn’t accomplish anything because you’re not defending anything or anyone from any real danger.
You’re just protecting your ego and pride.
On that note, it’s safe to say that humans have outgrown the need for immediate impulsive responses. We now use the tools between our shoulders (our brains) to rationally weigh our options and make prudent decisions based on what is right, not what feels right.
We simply collect our thoughts and gather the strength to not react to undesirable stimuli. Doing so gives us value whereas the opposite takes it away!
As for those who lack the strength to control themselves and tend to make unpremeditated decisions that hurt others, they get punished by the law. They face the real justice system—and in one way or another, atone for their sins.
You could be one of those people if you choose to punish your ex by slashing your ex’s tires, threatening your ex and his or her family, and posting your ex’s pictures on revenge websites.
Such nasty deeds certainly won’t look good on your criminal record. They could restrict your professional and private life.
Today’s society has a modern term for people who act and react impulsively. Quite frankly, we call such people immature people.
Google’s definition of this word is “not fully developed” and “having or showing an emotional or intellectual development appropriate to someone younger.”
So if you’re just going through a difficult breakup, please remember that there’s absolutely no need for you to ruin your ex’s image (as well as yours) and do something that you’ll later regret.
Your ex may have broken your trust and disrespected you—and you may feel like you’ve got nothing to lose, but deep inside, you know that taking revenge on your ex isn’t the way to go about it.
It’s wrong from a moral standpoint as well as every other standpoint there is. So don’t do it. I’m sure you can think of better ways to make your ex regret losing you that doesn’t involve making your ex regret dating you.
People with high ego and low self-esteem seek revenge
Shattered self-esteem is often the reason people seek revenge against their dumper ex. They think to themselves, “If I can’t be with my ex and if my ex won’t reciprocate my one-sided love, my ex doesn’t deserve to be happy and needs to suffer.”
Such thoughts affect their ego and force them to make extremely low self-esteem decisions that often change their lives forever.
They do something that ruins their ex’s newfound freedom and stops them from successfully controlling their impulses and growing as a person.
If such dumpees realized they felt the desire to attack the dumper not because of something the dumper has done, but because of their own insecurities, they’d never hurt the dumper.
They’d understand that their self-esteem took a toll because they had different expectations and invested heavily in their partner and not enough in themselves and in the things they love.
But sadly, very few dumpees who hurt their dumper actually notice this and rewire their patterns. They’re too preoccupied with seeking revenge and “justice” to understand what’s causing them to say and do hurtful things.
Some dumpees get so hurt after the breakup that they even contact their partner’s new girlfriend or boyfriend and “warn” that person about everything their dumper is capable of.
They do this not just to protect the new person from danger, but also to feel some sense of power and control.
They essentially desire recognition and self-worth so badly that they find a way to manipulate their ex-partner’s feelings—and in return, extort some sort of reassuring feeling of power and self-worth.
Such dumpees are prepared to go to great lengths to bring their ex down—and by doing so, prove to themselves that they possess the ability to influence their “cold-hearted” ex.
The truth though is that they don’t prove their worth by putting their ex down. What they normally accomplish is the opposite, which is that they deserved to get dumped and that they lack self-control, among other virtues.
This is why it’s safe to say that dumpees’ lack of control is often the rationale behind their irrational behavior. It’s the motive responsible for taking revenge against an ex, arguing with an ex, and negotiating a closure deal.
Angry and victimized dumpees also seek revenge on their exes
Dumpees with low self-esteem and high ego as well as those who lack ambitions aren’t the only ones who suffer and seek revenge. Those who perceive their ex-partner as a bad person also often try to inflict pain and suffering.
That’s because they recognize their ex as a user, a liar, or a cheater—and punish their ex for his or her betrayal. Normally, they choose the fastest, most direct approach that stings the most and ruins people’s respect for them the quickest.
Here are some vengeful deeds dumpees do after the breakup:
- contact the dumper’s family/new partner and reveal the dumper’s behavior, weaknesses, or private matters.
- start a smearing campaign on social media
- try to damage the dumper’s reputation at work
- refuse to return personal belongings
- put their ex down and try to make themselves look better
Basically, angry, vindictive dumpees engage in activities that directly damage the dumper’s image. By doing so, they gain the trust and support of those around them and reassure themselves they’re important and that they matter.
As always, their ultimate goal is to be in control.
How to get revenge on an ex who used you, hurt you, or disrespected you?
Let’s make something clear first. If your ex left you in the worst way possible, you won’t get revenge on your ex by saying or doing something that hurts your ex back.
You especially won’t get revenge by playing jealousy games or trying to manipulate your ex’s feelings with hurtful words and deeds.
As you may have heard before, the best revenge in life is success. And success doesn’t require you to prove how strong you are emotionally and physically and brag about how great you’re doing now that the relationship has ended.
All success requires of you is to put the focus on your lackings and ambitions—and work on them enthusiastically.
Hard work, perseverance, and consistency are what it takes to become successful at just about anything in life. So don’t look for quick solutions that would bring someone down and make you look better as a result. Your ex chose this path and it didn’t work.
You don’t have to do the same.
Always remember that weak people seek revenge. Strong, mature, and self-aware people walk away from problematic people and process their unpleasant emotions and improve their lackings.
A person’s lackings can be anything from poor education, an unfulfilling job, a small social circle, low confidence and low self-esteem, and anything that doesn’t make him or her happy.
So if you’re unhappy about who you are and how hurt you got after the breakup, don’t denounce your ex as a wicked person and pretend that your ex is the only one responsible for the pain you feel.
Instead, admit to yourself that you’re partly responsible/in charge of your emotions and do something productive about your lack of happiness.
Strive to become the best version of yourself and keep in mind that success isn’t proven by achievement (although your ex may notice it only when you have something he or she respects).
Real success comes from within, meaning that you’re successful by definition when you work toward something you really, really want for yourself.
I know that you want your ex to notice your self-improvements and all the wealth, fame, and glory you’ve achieved, but your ex likely won’t notice that you’re successful until you have some kind of tangible proof of success.
Most people view success only by what they see (it’s the way they’ve been taught). So don’t concern yourself with exhibiting results too quickly. Results will come much, much later when you’ve forgotten about taking revenge on your ex altogether and started enjoying your life again.
In the book, Lead The Field, Earl Nightingale says, success is a progressive realization of a worthy ideal (goal), which means that that the journey is what makes you successful because that’s when you’re the most engaged and the happiest.
The destination (the goal) is merely the place and time for you to reap your rewards.
Earl also says that people are happier (or more successful) when they’re busy moving toward their desires than they are after they’ve achieved them.
So rest assured that as long as you’re ambitious about improving your life and reaching your goals, good results (tangible success) will come. It will come because the things you want badly in your life will sooner than later come to you.
What you give is what you get.
So put your energy into forgiving your ex for hurting you and you’ll soon let your ex go despite all the pain he or she has caused you. You’ll develop yourself into a non-vengeful, mature person with high self-control and high self-worth.
The right way to get revenge on an ex
If you’re still wondering, “How to get revenge on your ex” and you want your ex to see you in a positive light, know that the best way to do that is to take the focus off your ex and put it on yourself.
Once you’ve done that, you’ll let your ex know two things:
- That you don’t consider him or her worthy of your time.
- And that you put your loved ones, including yourself first, and that you care about your success way more than your ex.
When you convey to your ex that your intention isn’t to hurt him or her, your ex will likely start to think that you’re not a threat to his or her health and well-being.
And when your ex is certain that you’re not going to do something that could hurt your ex, your ex could drop his or her defenses and become receptive to your growth.
That’s when your ex could notice your accomplishments and start to envy your personal success.
Here are 5 simple ways to get revenge on your ex for dumping you. These tips are extremely important, so memorize them if you’re set on wreaking vengeance on your ex.
As you probably noticed, the points above have nothing to do with your ex. They are all about you, which is exactly why your ex could notice your self-love and self-worth.
If you make your life about your ex and argue with your ex, however, you’ll show you’re not ready to move on and that your ex can still control your thoughts, emotions, and actions. That will give your ex an advantage over you as he who controls your actions and reactions controls your heart.
Take revenge on your ex without actually taking revenge
If you want to take revenge on your ex, you’ve got to understand that the only virtuous way for you to do that is to forget about your space-deprived ex and focus completely on yourself.
Focus on what you want from life and fall in love with yourself again. The moment you do, you won’t just show your ex that you’re worthy of love and respect.
You’ll also tell your ex that you find life too short to stay angry with people who don’t deserve your time and commitment.
Of course, your ex may not care too much about that at first because your ex broke up with you for a reason. He or she wanted space from you because the relationship wasn’t making your ex happy.
But when your ex encounters personal difficulties, looks at you with rose-tinted glasses on, and sees that you’re doing well—that could change very quickly.
Your ex could become envious of your success and start to wonder whether he or she held you back from reaching your full potential.
That’s when your ex will likely reach out to you and try to figure out how you achieved success without him or her.
And that, dear reader, is the right way to get revenge on your ex. Forget about taking revenge by getting involved with your ex directly. Only weak and insecure people do that because their life revolves around their ex.
Do you still wonder how to get revenge on your ex? Have you done something you’re not very proud of? Comment below and let us know.
And lastly, if you’d like to talk to us about how to get revenge on your ex in morally-acceptable ways without hurting your ex, reach out to us by subscribing to coaching.
I understand your view On the subject But with all due respect, you’re wrong. I know for a fact because I have used your theory. I was a bigger person and I let it go.
Each time I did nothing In response to Her attack the next attack got worse and worse and worse.. So if I had done something about AB then BC wouldn’t have happened and if I’ve done something about BC then DE wouldn’t have happened so on and so forth. By doing nothing to take up for Myself Against her, I was just inviting more problems, worse each time.
Hi John.
Your ex must have been suffering from some kind of mental illness and wanted you to suffer as a result of her suffering. If it was that bad, you, of course, shouldn’t have tolerated it. At some point, you must tell a person enough is enough. And you must do that by getting the authorities involved.
I hope things are better now.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan,
All of the vengeful actions I did out of anger. She monkeybranched last july 15 2020 (her birthday) to a new workmate she just barely knew. I only caught her because of her cousin last september 28 2020. I got mad and frustrated. I tried not to lose my composure but still ended up doing those vengeful acts. We had a healthy relationship and nothing unhappily happened pre-break up. We’ve been apart 4 months prior her monkeybranched because of the corona virus. We’ve been together almost 7years.
JP
Hi Zan
I was gaslighted back in November of 2019. I believe it was happening for about 2 years when I heard what it was. For 2 months it was I don’t miss you to I do miss you. The final blow up was in January. She tried having a relationship w my mom back then until I put a stop to it. Too many coincidences have happened since then. A friend walking a pet down my street who lives 2 Development’s over. I tried sending my regards to make peace but no response. Then she reaches out to a childhood friend. When I called her out on her behavior I finally got a phone call. It was the same stuff. I was in the wrong and what I was thinking aaa behind the truth. I’ve been in a new relationship since March w a childhood friend I’ve admired for over 20 years. I believe that’s why she tried reaching out. I do believe I have a trauma bond w this woman from childhood experiences. The relationship was very toxic but the sex was great. Even when arguing the sex was always good. It seems as if every 6-8 weeks she’s on my mind and I get very angry. I’m also embarrassed. My gf understands but also has a hard time BC I have no ties w this woman bc we don’t have kids. For me I want revenge. In my GF eyes she said the best revenge is being happy. It’s hard for me to move passed the anger when people discard others In a fashion where they don’t exist. Blame everyone and never take responsibility. Discard family members. I’ve had a lot happen tbis last year as did most. I guess I hate seeing ppl get by and waiting to actually SEE karma. I know what I have in this relationship I’ve never had before. She’s a secure woman and I’m a better person bc of her. But for some reason the animosity is still there. I’m also curious if my ex will reach out again at some point. Parts of me want to bash her while the other side wants to be indifferent. Any suggestions????
.
Hi Zan,
I was wondering if I could ask for your thoughts on a current situation. My ex and I broke up two months ago because, in summary, he started seeing another girl that he at first informed me had feelings for him. He disregarded my feelings when I informed him multiple times that I was uncomfortable with it (he saw her 3 times in one week), and I broke up with him because I felt disrespected and unheard. However, I believe I acted out of anger/insecurity at the time and that I should have trusted him more as he insisted they were only friends (bit confusing as he had asked me to give him a hickey to make her jealous when we were together, which I didn’t do. I was also called a brick wall because I wasn’t seeing his side and that I turned the whole week into a nightmare).
Since that time, I have contacted him and seen him in person (one on one, where I apologised for my insecure behaviour and I also asked for a second chance – he believed I had been too controlling for asking him to stop seeing her so frequently/at her house when we were dating and that I should have trusted him more) and in group situations. I have also been checking in with him to make sure he is doing okay mentally because I know my insecure reaction hurt him, but I don’t want to take away his freedom or make healing harder for him so I have stopped.
My current situation is: there is an upcoming school ball that he has invited me to attend as his date because he didn’t want me to miss out on being with my friends on the night. I said yes and was flattered that he thought of me (the ball is on my 18th birthday). However, he had informed a mutual friend that he was going to ask the girl who was interested in him to the ball before he asked me. I’m now confused, and my friends have warned me that he could be playing us against each other, but I’m not so sure. I’m now wondering if he said that she liked him when we were together just to make me jealous? Am I being used or am I just insecure? I thought it was a lovely and respectful thing for him to do, especially because I know he doesn’t enjoy events with large crowds.
I should mention that there was also a group situation where he refused to sit next to me (even despite asking me to the ball) and made a friend move so that he wouldn’t sit in the only available spot that was next to me. It was a bit awkward, but I understand why he didn’t want to. He was also very extroverted that day, more than I have ever seen him before in the whole year we dated. He seemed so different, but I’m happy that he seems to be doing better.
What are your thoughts?
I understand that perhaps I was treated poorly and that I broke up with him because I felt neglected, as my friends have told me, however a part of me agrees that I was insecure and jealous (which I know I need address). The other part of me finds it unfair that I didn’t receive the same respect I gave him when he angrily asked that I stopped talking to a mutual friend, who is a guy, on social media (I only talked to him once and informed him about that same night). I stopped talking to that friend out of respect for him, but I’m just confused why I didn’t receive the same?
Anyway, despite the painful ending on both ends, I still wish the very best for him and I truly hope he is happy.
I was also wondering if I could make some suggestions for future articles? I think it would be really interesting to hear what your views on a partner seeing someone that could have romantic interest in them when he/she is in a committed relationship with their partner (even if they might just be friends)? Is it disrespectful, or is it just one partner lacking trust? There are so many contrasting opinions on it, especially on Quora where people argue that if you don’t trust your partner to see someone that might like them then you shouldn’t be with them, as well as being toxic to your partner for having insecurities and asking them to change their behaviour to help them feel more stable? Or perhaps an article on emotional cheating, whether it exists or whether it is just an excuse for a possessive/jealous partner? Perhaps what loyalty is in a relationship?
Thank you for all your work Zan – you are helping so many people. I can’t tell you how grateful I am for your posts and advice.
I thought I might quickly add (sorry!) that I hadn’t been able to see him for months due to coronavirus and that I saw him for the first time in a while before he started seeing this girl. I only get to see him once a week and I usually initiated the hang outs because he had told me he doesn’t like making decisions. I feel like I may have been insecure due to a lack of effort from his side and also due to the little affection I had been receiving. I did ask him if everything was okay between us before this all happened, and he had said yes everything was fine. Has he emotionally disconnected from me for a while?
Update: he contacted me randomly in the middle of the night asking how I have been. I was asleep so I didn’t see it until the next day. We conversed, and he told me that he had been feeling so bad because this girl and him had apparently made out and cuddled. He was feeling guilty because he had promised me that they were only just friends when we were dating, but obviously his actions have proved otherwise now. He said “I’m sorry,” and I replied by telling him to give this girl the respect and loyalty she deserves, thanking him for his honesty and wishing him happiness. Did I do the right thing? What do his actions mean?
Go no contact with this guy, it’s obvious he’s just playing with your emotions and causing you suffering you don’t deserve. No contact will make you stronger and happier
He had double standards on what you should both do with friends of the opposite sex, and he sounds immature and naive in regards to the friendship-with-someone-who-has-feelings-for-you thing. I don’t think this is necessarily a case of unjustified insecurity. You saw what was going on and he did not make you feel secure.
As for all those comments you’ve mentioned on forums such as quora, I think the people saying those things likely haven’t found out about a cheating partner or themselves have ever considered changing their behaviour with the opposite sex for the comfort and security of their significant others. But at the heart of the matter, they usually end up being right about not being with that person, because your partner shouldn’t be doing things that make you feel uneasy about the relationship.
Ultimately, I think you dodged a bullet. You ask what his actions mean. I don’t think there is one thing you’ve said in your story that doesn’t demonstrate his selfishness… even his apology he tried to wake you in the middle of the night for. So my answer would be his selfishness.
I think you did the right thing in the end by being open and kind, and I also think you saved yourself from further heartache by speaking up for yourself in your discomfort and breaking up with him in the first place. It’s better to be on the same page with your partner in regards to friendships of the opposite sex.
Thank you Andrew and Carly for your advice – I truly appreciate it. I have been blaming myself and my insecurities for a very long time, but your wise words have reassured me that my reaction was not completely unreasonable. Thank you.
I am not sure whether I should go or if I am even going to the ball with him, however I really would like to go because it was coincidentally moved to my 18th birthday and I would love to spend it with my friends. He had previously invited me a few weeks ago so that I wouldn’t miss out on being with my friends (it is invite only), but now I’m not so sure if a) he’ll take me anymore and b) if it’s even a good idea. I’m also concerned that he might take this other girl like he had said to our mutual friend if I choose to not go, and that there might be a lot of tension on the night (my friends truly despise him and many of them will be there). Should I ask him about it?
Alice, for some reason I can’t reply to your last comment so I am leaving it here. You said that your recent discussion included you telling him to treat the new girl with respect and loyalty. If he is seeing her, I don’t think you will enjoy going to a ball with him, even if he is your only ticket to the event. If he is now seeing this other girl, you could view your going with him (if he’s your way into the ball) as you using him. Also, his refusal to sit next to you after asking you is not an indication of someone who is respecting you and considering your feelings.
My comment for you was a comment that I would likely leave for someone who is older, this guy is young and likely prone to making many more mistakes in the dating department. Very common. You sound like you’ve outgrown this type of behavior.
The good news is that though this feels like a gigantic event in your life (18th birthday), I’m not sure that there is truly a wrong answer here. You could ask him about it for clarity and end up going with him and realize during the event how the evening doesn’t fit your expectations (we can’t turn our love off that easily). It would, however, not be the end of the world.
Sometimes we make a few missteps to really know who we are and what we want. Always weigh out the potential risks for yourself. If you are dead-set on making the “mistake” of staying in contact with him, make sure you know the risks of such (including possible pregnancy, missing out on other opportunities, fracturing other relationships, annoying your friends, maybe temporary disappointment in yourself if you are left heartbroken anyhow…)
The key is finding a balance between protecting/standing up for yourself and being open/receptive in your life in general. You don’t want to let people use you, but you also don’t want to be an impenetrable brick wall to other possibilities and opportunities.
All this being said, I think time away from him would be best for you. He has a lot of learning to do and I don’t think you will enjoy the ride alongside him, which is why no contact would probably be the healthiest for you. Doesn’t have to be militant where you state you are in no contact and then ignore him and stomp away when you see him, but I believe you ceasing to reach out and invest any more energy into him (including fantasies) would give you more powerful and quicker healing.
I think you’d have a more positive birthday evening by not going and doing something else meaningful OR finding a different way to attend the ball without him.
A good way to handle this, as maybe you two haven’t discussed the ball and his invite is up in the air or there is confusion, is to reach out and say to him that you appreciate his invite but you kindly decline it. This way there is no uncertainty or ambiguity over it and you can put your energy into other things you care about.
Thank you for your wise words, Carly. I contacted him to ask if he was still taking me to the ball, and he said he is okay with it if I wanted to go. He also apologised again for breaking his promise and for lying to me, and for everything he caused me. I know how it feels to have hurt someone and to feel awful about it, and I wish someone would’ve forgiven me at the time, so I told him that I forgive him and to not do it to another person. I know that this probably was not the best decision and that I shouldn’t be excusing his behaviour as he did emotionally cheat on me, but I think it was important for me to say.
Personally, I think forgiveness means to let go of resentment/anger to someone that has wronged you, but to remain aware of the hurt they have caused you. I won’t let my forgiveness be my foolishness – I don’t want to put myself back in that same position again.
I think it’s interesting that when he first started dating he said the one thing he could not tolerate in a significant other was lying. I guess he didn’t uphold his own values in the end and that’s why he has been feeling so bad.
I wish there was more awareness about emotional cheating and its effects, because it is truly hurtful. It was especially hurtful that he blamed everything on me at first and I went through so much, such as weight loss, constant anxiety and shame, but I’m relieved to say that I’m getting better.
Thank you again for your advice, Carly. I will implement the no contact rule as much as possible and not reach out to him.
I thought I might add: I know it seems like I have made him out to be a terrible person, but that’s just not the truth. I believe we lacked a lot of communication and took each other for granted. I loved his morning and goodnight texts, how he always asked me how my day was and seeing him on the weekends was the highlight of my week. We were together for over a year and we have been through many ups and downs together. So, despite everything, I loved him very much (a part of me always will – he was and is my first love) and I wish him happiness.
Hi Alice.
You may have acted on your insecurities, but you had every right to ask your ex to stop seeing that girl so frequently. Guys just don’t understand that they’re responsible for making their girlfriend happy, anxiety-free. Many guys instead just say that the girl needs to trust them more and that she has to stop being so controlling.
I don’t think he intended to make you jealous when he said that another girl likes him. He was probably just being honest.
I appreciate your article suggestion. I’d like to tell you that friendship oftentimes turns into romantic feelings. People who refuse to distance themselves when they feel pulled toward their friend quite often end up cheating on their partner, so it’s not just about trusting your partner. Your partner also has to show respect to you and show you that he or she is 100% committed to you. As I mentioned earlier, guys often don’t understand what trust means. They get angry when they perceive that they aren’t being trusted when in reality, it’s them who aren’t respecting their partner. In my opinion, there should be a limit to how close your partner can be with a new friend. It’s okay if it’s a childhood friend or someone who’s been around for ages. But if it’s someone new, normal conversation can turn into flirting and soon, even cheating.
You’re very young, Alice, so don’t concern yourself with your ex too much. If your ex loved you, you leaving him should have hurt him and made him crave your attention. But since it didn’t, he most likely detached from you prior to that. I believe it’s because he knows he has other options.
You did the right thing when you thanked him for his honesty. By the looks of it, he has feelings for the girl. And that’s why he was able to painlessly disconnect from you.
I hope this helps.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thank you for all your help, Zan. I appreciate your wise words and for the clarity you have given me. It hurts to know he was able to move on so easily and that our relationship didn’t mean quite as much to him, but I know deep down that this is for the best.
Thank you again,
Alice.
Hi Alice, I really hope it all will work out for you, you are obviously a person of value so if he can not sense that it’s his loss.
Thank you for your kind words, Andrew. I hope so too.
I believe I have flaws that I need to address, but luckily I have a whole lifetime ahead of me to work on them. 🙂
Wishing you well,
Alice
You’ll be okay, Alice.
Not everyone is meant to stay in our life. Some people merely stop by to teach us a lesson.
You have the whole life ahead of you, so learn what you can from your breakup and keep moving forward.
Best regards,
Zan
Thank you for all your knowledge Zan, I only discovered your blog this week and have read all the articles on breakups etc. Absolutely life changing for me, if only I knew then what I know now
Hi Andrew.
It’s never too late to start looking after yourself.
I’m glad I was able to help.
Best,
Zan
The problem is that some dumpers still get away with it. Especially if they’re a wealthy person who doesn’t need anyone else, has a property all paid for, is from a wealthy family and has a wide social circle from which to choose eligible men.
They’ll end up with a big Cartier rock, a house in the country and a flat in town and completely forget about the decent man who did everything they could for them, loved them with their whole heart and didn’t take revenge but instead built their own company (alone since the dumping a year ago) from scratch during the worst recession for over 150 years.
The success I have had is irrelevant to them. It’s small fry. They’ll never have problems. Not in the way that a normal woman would. They’d look at my success and laugh. “Oh. Well done. Good for him” they’ll giggle to themselves.
It won’t be revenge at all. The best revenge is for this woman to be miserable. To marry a gold digging cheat who takes her for her money, displeases her family and breaks her heart. But I can’t wish that on her, even after her coldness and utter selfishness.
Hi James.
Your ex may achieve tangible success and appear like a really good dating option to others, but deep inside, she’ll remain exactly the same. Her behavior is going to manifest the same kind of results as it did with you.
So even though she may be wealthy, she won’t really be happy. Not if she continuous to run after external happiness.
Best,
Zan
Hi zan,
I don’t necessarily want revenge on my ex. BUT I do feel like I let him get off way too easy. He shut the door and walked away from our relationship without even checking to see if I was dead or alive. He’s an extremely sensitive person, prone to depression, and often played the victim whenever I tried to bring up an issue in which I felt let down. When we last spoke I didn’t think it was the last time I’d ever hear or see him ever again. He told me he couldn’t do it anymore but that “it wasn’t goodbye” and that he just needed space. I agreed on the space and thought we needed a break and could reassess our feelings at a later time.
So I gave him what he wanted, space. A week went by and he started deleting photos of me on social media. I thought he wanted a reaction out of me because I didn’t reach out at all, I wanted him to come to me so I didn’t react to his deletion though it crushed my soul. Then 2 more weeks went by and nothing. No communication just constant and slow deletion of my existence. I figured I should send one message, that’s it, just so I can finally close the door and not hold out hope. So I did, I just asked if he’d be willing to have a conversation and give his clothes back. He responded quickly saying he’s not ready for that. We never saw each other or spoke again. I have been in no contact ever since and have held on to some sliver of hope I’d hear from him again even though he broke my heart and is not worthy of my love or time.
I’ve suffered so much and searched for every answer in the book as to why someone who claimed to have loved me so much could so easily shut the door on me forever. It didn’t make sense then and now 8 months later it still doesn’t. And I’m still trying to put the pieces together and heal. I guess I would just like Zan or anyone’s advice because I know I’ve been so strong and come a long long way but there are some moments where I feel like it’s day one. I still have this pain deep deep inside me that I feel every day. I think of him and the memories every day. I can’t seem to get them out. I think I’ve moved on, I know I have and I’ve proved to myself it’s possible which I’m proud of. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss him and wish that he’d come crawling back so I could have my answers and kick him to the curb.
Lydia, I relate to your comment so much! I treated my ex so kindly even though he broke my heart and never talked to me again. Been over a year of no contact. Its been a struggle for me to completely move on but i promise you you’ll get to a point of acceptance. Anyone who can easily discard you despite their words (saying how much they loved you and how much you meant to them) is someone who you shouldnt be around. They have issues they need to work out, and shouldnt be saying those things frivolously. People who hurt others carelessly in that way are dangerous and are usually the ones who need introspection the most, but often dont do it
Hi Lydia, your feelings – and what you’ve been going through – sound so familiar. I’ve had a similar experience during the last year, after my 5-year relationship imploded. My ex had been cheating on me, lying, etc. For several months after, I both wanted/didn’t want to hear from her. But there was nothing. Because of the lack of communication, the biggest challenge has been (and continues to be) getting a sense of closure. I had to do that on my own, and have gradually arrived at a place where I can think about her and the relationship memories without strong resentment and hurt. I had quite a bit of anger that I had to work through. Zan has said in other articles that it’s crucial to the recovery process to let go of all reconciliation hope. That was/has been the toughest thing for me, but it’s also the most important. And time really is a great healer. Hang in there!
Hi Zan,
Thank you for another great article.
My ex-wife left me a year ago now. Although she broke my heart and I went through really difficult times after she left me, I never felt any anger towards her, just sadness.
What do you think that is ? Is it be because I love her too much ?
At least, not being angry at her prevented me from seeking revenge ! I simply let her go and never begged nor pleaded (I am too prideful for that).
Do you think that the way I behaved (letting her go and never contacting her again) might make her question her decision in the long run ?
Thanks again.
Rick
Hi Rick.
The more mature dumpees are and the less their exes hurt them and their self-esteem, the less mistreated and angry they feel.
I believe you’ve learned important lessons in life already and developed yourself enough not to retaliate with anger.
As for you not contacting your wife, the space you give her could make your wife regret her decision once she’s processed her built-up feelings for you. But don’t keep hoping because you need to keep moving forward, Rick.
It’s time for you to invest in yourself.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan , your post came right in time after I had this thought in my mind just this morning. My ex left me 4 months ago over an insecure question that I needed his reassurance but didn’t wanna give. On the 3rd month he added new woman on his fb and unfriended me and also on IG. it was a hard pill to swallow bc I really wanted the rest to work but he didn’t and instead is now looking to pursuit of others. It felt like our 2.5 yr RS didn’t matter so I was sore and wanted to ‘warn’ the new woman. After reading your post I don’t find it necessary anymore. Thanks zan !
Hi Jade.
I’m sorry to hear that your ex treated you so poorly. He clearly lost love and respect for you, so make sure that you acknowledge him for his actions and remain strong.
The new woman will find out about his shortcomings sooner than later, so focus on your well-being and everything will turn out well.
Kind regards,
Zan
Best classic revenge is to always replace her shampoo by Nair before you leave her place!! Never fails 😈😈😂😂
Hi DK.
That’s one way to kill all hope for reconciliation. 😉
Best,
Zan
Another amazing article and so so true, my ex cheated on me 6 months ago with her married work colleague and left me I did struggle for a couple of months but the lockdown we all had to go through actually was the best thing to happen to me because it gave me no choice but to face what I was feeling and deal with it which I did and I’m actually really proud of myself as I used to be someone who would dwell and wallow but for some reason this time I said no and I haven’t been this happy within myself, the funny part about the whole situation is 2 weeks ago my ex told me she was pregnant by this married man who has dropped her like a hot potato so karma hit her faster than I ever thought it could but the most satisfying thing was when she told me my answer was congratulations are you happy which threw her sideways and the look on her face when I didn’t react like she thought I would, it’s never easy to let go and forgive but by doing so you empower yourself not them and taking that power away from them is the best revenge, nothing good comes from seeking retribution it only prolongs your own unhappiness I learnt that the hard way. Zan your blog has been the most enlightening thing I’ve ever read and it’s thanx to you and your words that have helped me become exactly who I want to be so I thank you
Hi Nik.
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Your ex made a poor decision to cheat on you with a married person. She did this because she got attracted to him and didn’t know how to pull back in time.
If she understood that developing romantic feelings for another person was morally wrong, she wouldn’t have done that. But she probably adored the guy’s attention, so she decided to be selfish and demand more and more of his time.
Her behavior shows that she doesn’t care about how her poor actions affect others. She seems to follow her impulses and do what’s best for her. So in a way, bad things (karma) were going to catch up to her sooner than later. It was only a matter of time before the results of her recklessness paid off.
Nik, I’m thrilled to hear that you’re set on staying a good person. You’re definitely on the right path. Keep it up!
Zan
Will exes feel guilty if someday they realize that we didn’t seek revenge after they left and hurt us Zan?
Hi Sanders.
It’s not certain that dumpers will feel guilty, but they’ll only feel guilty if dumpees don’t seek revenge and do various things that make thems look bad.
Best regards,
Zan
When I found out months after my ex moved out that she cheated boy did I want to reach out and let her have it. I did some online counseling and kept a lid on my emotions and although the feelings of anger would boil up periodically eventually it subsided and I’m glad I didn’t do anything foolish. I’m glad I didn’t give her the satisfaction of knowing that she still had a grip on me.
Hi Trevor.
I know it wasn’t easy not to get back at your ex, but I’m glad you didn’t do something nasty. By keeping your emotions under control, you learned how to control your impulses better and improved yourself within.
Great job!
Zan
Such a motivational article and so on point. Okay we all want to get revenge for what the dumper did to us… but this is definitely best way to silently speak to them.
Thank you Zan as always ❤️
Hi Linda.
Thanks for the comment.
The best way to take revenge on an ex is to portray yourself in a positive light and move on by showing that you didn’t get affected by the breakup.
Zan
I couldn’t show him that I wasn,t devastated by the break up , because I was. I broke NC alter 5 weeks and told him that he was shit and some nasty things. It made me feel slightly better on that moment, but afterwards I felt worse. It also reinforced his negative perceptions of me. I thought of apologizing but didn’t. Oh well. I should work on not giving a shit anymore on what he thinks of me or anything else