Why Is My Ex Keeping My Stuff After The Breakup?

Assuming your ex is the dumper and you asked for your things back, your ex is keeping your stuff because your ex is angry or resentful. Your ex wants to control the flow of the breakup and by doing so, hurt you, confuse you, and empower himself or herself in ways that give your ex power and boost his or her ego.

Most dumpers are happy to give their ex stuff back right away as they take comfort in knowing they’re done with their ex and that their ex won’t contact them in the future just to ask for personal belongings back.

But every now and then, some dumpers aren’t that cooperative and eager to get rid of their ex’s stuff. Some dumpers have reasons to believe their ex doesn’t deserve his or her stuff back (yet) and that their ex must first live in worry and fear of never getting his or her things back.

Essentially, dumpers who keep their ex’s belongings feel victimized (hurt by their ex’s pre-breakup and/or post-breakup behavior) and intend to manipulate their ex into thinking that their ex should be punished and count his or her losses.

They don’t care if their ex wants or needs personal belongings back. They just want to make life difficult for their ex as they feel that their ex has made their lives difficult for them in the past.

It’s an eye for an eye sort of thing—as not returning things is their revenge.

Some dumpees think their ex is refusing to return their things because their ex still has feelings for them and doesn’t want to let go of hope completely, but from what I see, most dumpers aren’t leaving the door open for a possible future reconciliation.

When dumpers are done with the relationship, they are done. They don’t want any reminders of their ex lying around the house because they need space and time to themselves to enjoy their newfound freedom.

Yes, some dumpers who leave their ex’s gifts on display and keep using their ex’s stuff for months after the breakup, but such dumpers don’t connect their unhappiness with their ex’s stuff. They consider their ex’s things to be theirs and don’t care if they came from a person who’d hurt them.

I know I’ve made dumpers look like villains, but I’d like to say that I’ve seen dumpers keep their ex’s stuff. Most weren’t using any of their ex’s belongings for personal benefit, but they liked to hold on to them because doing so gave them more power and control.

Dumpers are notorious for holding on to power after the breakup. They want it so badly they’re prepared to go to great lengths just to get an ego boost.

Why do they need an ego boost when they were the ones who did the dumping and already feel empowered?

The answer to this question is that for the first time in a long time, they’re no longer a part of their ex’s life and feel in full control of their lives. They feel ready to stand up for themselves and make their ex’s lives miserable if they have to.

They don’t understand or care that by doing so they’re inflating their self-importance at their ex’s expense.

So if you’re wondering why your ex is keeping your stuff and possibly ignoring you when you reach out to get your things back, keep in mind that your ex wants the breakup to play out on his or her terms. Your ex wants to feel in charge and do what he or she wants to do because doing so feels good.

This post is for dumpees who wonder, “Why is my ex keeping my stuff after the breakup?”

Why is my ex keeping my stuff?

Now that you know your ex is keeping your stuff to bring you down (get a reaction out of you) and self-validate, you also need to know that your ex is trying to make good use out of you for the last time.

Your ex doesn’t know what else to do to get back at you for the way you’d made your ex feel throughout the relationship, so your ex is doing the only thing that allows your ex to stay one step ahead of you.

Your ex is making you run in circles and by doing so, put you at his or her mercy. This is how your ex overpowers you with total control of the situation and makes the returning of your stuff completely dependent on his or her goodwill.

So if you’re wondering, “Why is my ex keeping my stuff and not returning it to me when I ask for it,” you need to understand that your ex doesn’t want to give you your stuff because he or she considers the breakup a battle (survival of the fittest) and would lose the only handicap he/she has.

By returning your stuff, your ex would have to compete on an equal footing—and that just wouldn’t feel like he or she has control over the situation. It’d feel like you’re equals in terms of power and worth and make your ex feel that you’ve had the last laugh.

In the picture below, you can find 5 reasons why your ex is keeping your stuff after the breakup.

If your ex is refusing to give you your stuff back, your ex thinks he or she has the right to keep your things and play with your feelings. Your feelings (which are fear, anxiety, and uncertainty) are the only things your ex can control now that the breakup transpired.

Make sure not to react too strongly or you’ll show your ex that he or she controls how you think, feel and act.

Will my ex ever give me my stuff back?

If your ex feels you’ve suffered enough or that you’ve stopped trying to control the situation, your ex will likely give you your stuff back. He or she won’t have a reason to hold on to your belongings because your ex won’t get a kick out of your need or desire to obtain your stuff anymore.

I know that sounds sadistic, but your ex will see you’re not trying to fight for your things anymore and get bored. Or in other words, your ex will get tired of controlling a situation only he or she is trying to control and stop competing with you. That’s when he or she will probably stop playing dirty and return your belongings.

Unless your ex is a narcissist or has some other challenging mental health issue, of course. In that case, your ex could keep picking fights with you for a while.

My advice is not to seek control and demand your ex to return your stuff. Your ex won’t like being forced as he or she will feel that you’re in no position to demand things.

This is true even if you’ve spent your hard-earned money on your stuff and need your things back asap. When a man or woman feels victimized and blames you for it, you’ll have a higher chance of getting something out of your ex by letting your ex decide to return your things of his or her own accord.

And the only way your ex will decide to do that is if you don’t react to your ex’s manipulation tactics and stay out of your ex’s way.

And yes, there’s always a chance that your ex will be so upset he/she will just throw your things away. But if your relationship was at least somewhat healthy, your ex should see that he or she overreacted and return your things when rationality takes over.

So if the breakup happened not too long ago and things are still heated, wait for your ex to cool off first. Don’t threaten your ex or anything like that because that will force your ex to go on the defensive. And when your ex is on the defensive, you can forget about getting your stuff back. It won’t happen as your ex will get hurt (angry) and fight you back to get justice.

What if I need my stuff back urgently?

If your things were inexpensive and you don’t need them back right away, I suggest that you just let them go. Asking an ex who gets an ego boost from you whenever he or she refuses to return your stuff is a complete waste of time.

It’s better to just let it go and let your ex keep your things. It’s not worth losing sleep over it and worrying if your ex will ever stop being resentful and become a decent human being.

If your stuff was expensive or you need it back right away, though, then simply waiting for your ex to do the right thing isn’t an option. In that case, you may want to involve your ex’s friends, your ex’s family, or your family (in that order) and hope that your ex sees what he or she is doing is wrong and becomes afraid of ruining his or her image.

Your ex might want to protect his or her opinion of others and return your things.

So if you haven’t already asked your ex to return your things, think about whether you need your stuff back. You may realize it’d be unwise to interrupt your ex’s peace and your healing process just for a bunch of unimportant items. I think you should reach out to your ex and ask for your things back only if you’re on speaking terms with your ex, if you left behind something important, or if you need your things back immediately.

These are good reasons for reaching out and saying, “Hey John. I know you need some space right now, and I want to give that to you. I’m reaching out because I left my work documents at your place in the top drawer. Would you be so kind to drop them off or let me know when you’re free for me to collect them? If you’re not comfortable with that, sending them by post or giving them to my friends is completely fine too! Thanks a lot!“

If you say something like that, you’ll show you’re interested in discussing only unfinished business and that you’ll go back to no contact afterward.

If your ex agrees to give you your stuff back after that, of course, don’t start talking to your ex again! You need to communicate only about your stuff (small talk is also okay) and leave your ex alone.

Why is my ex keeping my gifts after the breakup?

If your ex is keeping your gifts and the things you bought throughout the relationship, your ex probably thinks your gifts or items are useful and/or harmless. Your ex doesn’t see a reason to throw them away or give them back to you because your ex doesn’t associate pain and frustration with them.

He or she considers them a part of his/her life and wants to keep them for convenience. I know this can seem confusing because sometimes dumpers keep personal gifts. But as we’d already mentioned, dumpers don’t have a problem with the gifts themselves. They only throw away things that have no purpose in their lives.

I also kept some of my exes’ gifts after the breakup. I saw no point in throwing shirts, chocolates, jewelry, and a reading tablet away as I had nothing against my exes.

But I did eventually stop using those things as I’d decided it was time to change things up a bit. I guess every person has different plans for gifts they receive from their ex.

Some keep them, some throw them away, some give them to their friends, some send them back to their ex, and some refuse to return them. How a person acts depends on his/her maturity and how forced and victimized he or she feels.

So if you’re still wondering why your ex is keeping or using your stuff, know that your ex doesn’t associate bad breakup emotions with the things you’d bought or made. Your ex thinks they have nothing to do with the breakup and has use for them.

Did you learn why your ex is keeping your stuff? Let me know why you think exes do that in the comments section below the post. I read all comments and also reply to them.

And if you’d like to talk to us about how to get your stuff back from your ex, reach out to us here.