After dumping their partners, dumpers oftentimes instinctually follow the same old patterns, practice the same relationship skills, behave the way they did in their previous relationships, and break up again with their new partners due to a lack of self-reflection and self-improvement.
That’s when they get hurt, come running back to their ex, and promise to do better next time.
Reuniting with the first love after 30 years, however, is a bit different. The dumper doesn’t realize he’s made a mistake because it wouldn’t take him half of his life to do so. More often than not, the explanation for his behavior is much simpler than that. Someone (the dumpee or the dumper) adds the other person on social media or runs into him or her in person and expresses the wish to reconnect as a friend.
That’s how they start talking again and slowly develop an emotional connection.
A lot can change in 30 years. Heck, a lot can change even in 20 or 10 years, which is why old flames have to first get to know each other after reconnecting as friends.
They have to talk about their relationships, friends, jobs, the good times they went through as a couple, and find ways to bond. 30 years is enough for them to forget how they felt when they broke up, so they can just start as friends and see how they feel about each other later.
The problem is that oftentimes, people are already married or in a (long-term) relationship when they meet an ex from decades ago. They have a partner they love, so meeting up with an old flame can be very dangerous for their relationship. It can be so dangerous that it brings out (or creates) strong old feelings and leads to cheating if nothing is done about it.
So if you’re thinking of reuniting with your first love after 30 years, make sure that you or your ex aren’t already in a relationship. If you are, it may be better to just have small talk so that neither of you gets the wrong idea. Or if you for some reason think you need to find out more about this person, then at least talk to your partner about it first.
Tell him or her why you’d like to have a chat with your first love and see what your partner thinks and feels about it. If your partner doesn’t like it and gets anxious/insecure, don’t go behind your partner’s back. You’ll be breaking your partner’s trust and causing him or her pain, fears, and doubts.
You have to prioritize your relationship over your exes.
This post is for those who are single and wish to reunite with their first love after 30 years. We’ll discuss how to reconnect with someone you fell out of love with many years ago.
Reuniting with first love after 30 years
Normally, it’s the familiarity that brings exes together. They wish to feel how they felt in the past (when things were going well), so they become nostalgic and start to crave a better, happier, and more emotionally fulfilling past.
Little do they know that by indulging in nostalgia, they’re selectively picking the best moments of their relationship and forgetting/downplaying the bad ones. I suppose they wish to be loved and in control of their lives so badly that they get blindsided by what they could have rather than what they do.
Of course, circumstances do change in thirty years as people do mature, but, unfortunately, not everyone matures in the right way. Sometimes people just move from one relationship to the next without fixing the things they needed to fix. Such people tend to remain underdeveloped or unprepared for relationships and as a result, repeat the same mistakes even 30 years later.
It doesn’t matter how much time goes by. If they don’t learn why their relationships have ended, they don’t develop the skills to prevent their next relationship from failing for the same or similar reasons.
So if you’re hoping to get back with your first love, bear in mind that for your relationship to be different this time, your ex needed to learn his or her relationship lessons and mature up. He or she needed to become better behaviorally, which as far as I’m concerned is one of the hardest things to improve.
Only people who were forced to reflect or those who were in successful relationships have learned to work together with their romantic partners. This means that you shouldn’t naively assume that your ex has changed a lot just because 30 years have gone by. Time on its own doesn’t change people.
It’s their experiences, reflections caused by failures, and their desires to change that do that. Your job is to figure out if you’ve improved your flaws and if your ex has grown in ways that he or she needed to.
That should be your first task as without personal growth, you, your ex, or both will slip back into the same old behavioral patterns and break up due to a lack of self-investment. I’m not saying the relationship will be exactly the same, but if (let’s say your ex had an avoidant attachment style and kept running away from difficult emotions rather than facing them), your ex needed to put a lot of work into self-discovery. He or she needed to find the desire to improve and most likely get professional help.
You probably know someone who’s condescending, bad at communicating, or has had anger issues all his/her life. That person has had plenty of time to change for the better but hasn’t.
The reason he/she didn’t is because of a lack of incentive (or in other words, willpower). This person preferred to blame others for his or her impulses and failed to improve.
Someone like that isn’t going to change in a relationship with you either because you won’t be able to motivate him or her to reflect. He or she could change only after the relationship with you if push comes to show.
You need to understand this so that you don’t immediately jump back into a relationship with your ex. Decades may have flown by, but that doesn’t mean that your ex has learned and improved in ways that life has been begging him or her to improve.
Personality takes willpower and commitment to improve.
So don’t just focus on this person’s good traits and your desire to love and be loved. That’s not going to make this relationship successful long-term. It’s just going to make you feel attached to your ex before you even get to know him or her.
It may seem like a bad way to start a relationship with an ex, but you need to remember why the relationship ended. When you do, you’ll be able to figure out if your ex has dealt with his or her personal issues and if it’s even worth getting back with your ex.
How to reunite with your first love after 30 years?
Reuniting with an ex is fairly simple. As long as both parties show interest in each other, all you have to do is plan dates and get to know each other.
Talk about the times you had a lot of fun as a couple because such talks will bring you closer and develop feelings and cravings. If your ex enjoys your company and wants to learn more about you, you don’t have to do much to impress your ex. You just have to be yourself and ask your ex questions. Questions that allow your ex to open up and ask you questions back.
This is how people who like each other develop a strong bond. So talk, ask questions, listen, relax, and enjoy the moment. When you’re both attracted to each other, you’ll naturally find ways to cross the friendship line and turn your friendship into a romantic relationship.
But before you do that, I strongly suggest that you figure out if you’re even on the same page with your ex. Find out if his or her goals, mentality, relationship skills, willpower, desire to bond, and behavioral patterns are similar to yours and able to change (if necessary).
Know that if you both have the desire to be with each other but lack the ability to meet each other halfway, getting into a relationship with each other would not only be a waste of time, but a waste of emotions as well because you’ll try to reconnect even though you’re not compatible or willing to be compatible (adapt to each other).
Always remember that your old flame most likely has different wants, needs, opinions, and ways of showing love than you’re used to. So learn about these differences before you assume you’ll be resuming from where you left off decades ago.
When you take some time to understand your ex fundamentally, you’ll recall what some of your ex’s biggest shortcomings were in the past and be able to keep an eye on them so you can protect yourself and walk away if you need to. This may seem like something a person with trust issues would do, but if your ex cheated on you and left you for someone else, you don’t want the same thing to happen to you 30 years later.
You want to be on the lookout for any early warning signs of a bad relationship so you can take appropriate measures.
With that said, here are my tips on how to reunite with your first love after 30 years.
Some people successfully reunite with their first love and some don’t
If you think that you’ll always have feelings for your first love just because he or she was your first, that’s not true. People can get over their first love and be with just about anyone. They just have to follow a strong regimen of no contact and do things that help them detach from their ex.
It’s usually those who haven’t found love after their ex that crave their ex years later. Such people put their ex so high up on the pedestal that they make their ex into the only person who can make them feel loved and accepted.
But what such people don’t realize is that their ex has nothing to do with their love for their ex. They are the only ones responsible for overvaluing their ex because they don’t focus on rebuilding their self-esteem, improving their thinking patterns, and achieving something worthwhile with their lives. They just focus on their ex and convince themselves that their ex is their one and only.
This isn’t true though. There is no one and only. There are just people we get along with, people we don’t get along with, and people we somewhat get along with.
You need to figure out to what extent you get along with your first love so that you can then decide if being in a romantic relationship with your ex can even make you happy. You may think it does now that your ex has come back into your life and sparks are flying all over the place, but give it some time to discern why your ex has returned.
You may learn that your ex (or both of you) have had unsuccessful relationships in the past and that getting back together would be catastrophic because you haven’t fixed your issues and differences.
Yes, sometimes people mature well with age, but if I’m allowed to use one cliche on this blog, it’s that sometimes there’s a reason why people are single after 30 years. That reason has something to do with people’s ability to maintain a relationship, their ex’s ability to maintain a relationship and grow with them, or their spouse passing away.
You may want to find out what that reason is so you can prepare yourself for what’s about to come.
Someone I knew went back to his ex after 30 years
I have a tragic story to share with you today. Someone very important to me was happily married for over twenty years. He had kids and a wife who loved him dearly.
His wife and he weren’t the most perfect couple but they got along fairly well until the guy met his ex from 30 years ago and fell hard for her. This woman was his first love, and he liked her a lot back then. They were in their 20s when they were together—and from what I’ve heard, the only reason they broke was that the guy went to a different city to study and couldn’t stay in touch with the girl.
This was back then when phones weren’t widely accessible to everyone. The most common forms of communication were letters and face-to-face conversations.
Anyway, because the girl’s mother didn’t want her daughter to keep in touch with the guy (probably wanted her to focus on studies), she hid the guy’s letters and made sure her daughter thought he abandoned her.
Her mother also pretended to send letters for her but never did, so naturally, the guy assumed their relationship had ended and had no choice but to move on.
Fast forward 30 years, the guy runs into his first love and recognizes her. He suggests catching up over a drink and the woman agrees.
They then discuss why they broke up and what they were up to after the breakup, which gives them something to bond over. And because they have a lot to share, they start meeting up more often and having an affair.
Things were great at first because most relationships start on a high, but after 4 or 5 months when they got to know each other, they got impatient with each other and started to argue. The guy had hoped she would be the one for him because she was the one for him 30 years ago.
But sadly for him, the woman didn’t live up to his expectations and neither did the guy to hers. That’s why they disagreed on many things and broke up.
The guy wasn’t used to romantic rejections as he was with his wife his whole life, so breakup pain caused by rejection was definitely new to him. That’s why he decided to return to his wife to patch his wounds and see if he could be happy with her. But because he still had feelings for his affair, he left his wife yet again and invested even more into the relationship.
He sold his expensive car, took a big loan for her, started drinking, and fell into depression.
He went to a rehabilitation center twice in the last 5 years and it worked both times. But this time, he had very little support from the family he’d distanced himself from and couldn’t find the strength to get help and make things right.
That’s why on February 9th, 2019 he couldn’t stop blaming himself for his mistakes and took his own life.
The moral of this story is not to make the same mistake as my dad. If you or your ex are already in a relationship, value your relationships. Don’t throw it all away for a chance with someone you loved decades ago. You can just make the relationships better. It’s that simple.
If you’re both single, however, then don’t rush things. Get to know each other again, ask lots and lots of questions, and see if you like the new yous.
Are you thinking of reuniting with your first love after 30 years? Are you hoping things will be different this time? Share your thoughts below.
Hi Zan,
First of all, thank you for all of the insight that you share on your website. Also thank you for sharing your tragic personal story as a warning tale. It must have been very difficult. I am committed to not making the same mistake.
You see i recently started thinking about my ex girlfriend. She broke up with me 21 years ago. Some days the feelings felt nearly as strong as they were back then. Anyways, this got me to thinking about the possibility of getting back together with her, that is, if we both found ourselves single in the future. Currently we are both married, to different people (with kids). We live hundreds of miles apart and haven’t spoken in 13 years. I am not contemplating leaving my current relationship.
After the break up we continued to talk for a few months. She wanted to stay friends. I wanted to keep her in my life. It became harder as she found someone else. I stopped communicating with her after she told me something upsetting that may or may not have happened. I now understand why she pushed me away, since I have read a number of your posts. Then she friend requested me on social media 8 years after she broke up with me. We had some late night conversations (time zone differences). Pretty sure she asked me if I hated her (I don’t). She wanted to be friends. This was a troublesome situation as feelings resurfaced and I was getting married in a few months. I told her that I could not continue trying to be friends with her at the time. Last message she sent was that would keep trying. But I don’t remember if she meant trying to be friends or trying to keep in contact. Then I saw her the next year at a friend’s wedding reception . Near the end, I approached her to say hello and we chatted for a bit. I would have regretted not talking to her. All I wanted to do that night was talk with her. We have not spoken to each other in the last 13 years.
What I am trying to get to is how would we ever get back in contact? That is, if we both were single again (such as if both our spouses died, natural causes of course). We live hundreds of miles apart and I have been off social media for the last ten years. However, we do each have friends, who are married to each other.
Here is my main concern…. If my ex and I were to both become single sometime in the future (10, 15, 20 years), this post seems to suggest that I could break no contact and accept friendship with her? But this seems to conflict with what I took away from reading many of your other helpful posts. I would greatly appreciate any clarification you might be able to provide about this.
I wish to close with an important silver lining to my experience so far. I realized that I never fully processed the break up. I have recently been unhappy in my current relationship. In taking a hard look at myself, I recognize the same personal deficiencies happening now as happened then. Namely communication and failing to prioritize people/relationships. I am working to grow in these areas (and others) to become a better version of myself. This will help me in my current relationship. But more important I will become a better person. And regardless of what the future holds, that can only be to my benefit.
Thank you for what you do.
B
Hi B.
You can be friends with her when you’re single. You can simply reach out to her directly or through a mutual friend and see if she’s single/open to friendship. At the moment, this isn’t possible because 1)your feelings could resurface and 2)it’s unfair to your partners. In the event that you break up, it may be better to find someone else to date, rather than going back to your ex.
You need to figure out why you’re unhappy. Your unhappiness is the reason you’re thinking about the past and looking for ways to be happy again. I suggest you talk to your partner and work hard on rebuilding love, happiness, trust, and things that are lacking.
Kind regards,
Zan
is it ok to miss my ex a little ?
It’s okay to miss him, Cap. Just try not to obsess about him.
Kind regards,
Zan
but my ex like’s my niece and he is dating her and she being a brat to me for no reason at all
Hi Cap.
It’s hard for your niece to pretend like nothing happened. The guy is her partner, so she’s on his side. Try not to mind them.
Best regards,
Zan
I just read your article and i burst into tears. I am so sorry for your loss.
You are a very unique and strong person for being vulnerable and sharing your story to help people.
Thank you, wishing you all the happiness in the word
Thank you, Eri.
I wanted to let readers know that this can happen to anyone – even to those who are presumably happily married.
Best,
Zan
Great article, Zan. Important stuff for anyone to remember. So sorry for the loss of your father, thank you for sharing with us. Thinking about back then when you were supporting others at that time and we had no idea what you were going through. Hugs.
Hi Carly.
It’s in helping others that I helped myself. I often mention that a great way to cope with grief is to help others going through grief. It makes you feel understood and less alone.
Thank you, Carly.
Zan
I was about to say what A said. Thanks for all that you do and sharing your story, Zan.
Thanks for reading, Anon! I appreciate it!
Zan
What a terribly sad and tragic story. That must haunt you, Zan. I’m so sorry.
As for the subject, I believe people far too often throw away something good, after years of being best friends and inseparable, because they find something shiny new and exciting. It’s a shame. Because in almost all cases, that new, exciting thing is just emotion and hormones, an illusion. They end up losing the real thing that they had, and also losing the illusion, which of course is inevitable. Sadder still, is that they destroy their innocent partner’s life in the process.
Thank you, Doug.
I didn’t want to make this about me, which is why I put it at the end of the post so that only the most eager and avid readers would see it.
You’re absolutely right. People often throw away something valuable they worked on for many years just to feel valued again. Such people forget that they already have what they’re looking for and that they just need to work harder on it.
Best,
Zan
Doug, Zan,
What you said above is just so true.
I would like my ex to realize someday all the irreparable damage that she has done by breaking up and divorcing me, and that she destroyed a good and loving (although not perfect) relationship, just because she may have felt at the tima she was not totally happy, and because some guy at the gym or at work hit on her at the very same moment. What a waste.
Couldn’t have said it better myself, Rick. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, being totally happy. We’re humans. But some relationships have such a great foundation, are time-tested, and are good and loving as you say. And yet someone will throw that away because some guy or guys at the gym, at work, a friend of a friend, etc., makes them feel validated and attractive. A terrible, terrible waste. My marriage ended in much the same way.
is it normal to still like my ex a little ?
Hi Cap.
How long has it been? I know you commented on other posts, but I don’t remember your story.
Normally, the more time passes, the more fondness for an ex disappears.
Zan
but he look’s at me during class and he try’s to say hi but i feel uncomfortable with him staring at me
Hi Cap.
I think he feels bad and/or curious but doesn’t feel the need to talk to you yet. If enough curiosity builds up, he probably will.
Stay strong,
Zan
Zan,
I am so sorry for your Father. I hope your family is doing well. Sounds like because of parents who were well meaning decades ago, their misguided actions reverberated over time to cause this tragedy. I hope your Mother is okay too. Your Father raised you well, you have such a big heart and even bigger intellect.
Thank you, Claire. You’re too kind. We’re doing better now.
When someone commits suicide, people tend to blame themselves at first. They wish they saw it coming and offered more support. I suppose the right thing to do would be to always value people and be understanding that everyone is fighting their own internal battles. Some have it easier then others, but we should remember that our time with our loved ones is limited and that we need to treat them lovingly even if they don’t exhibit any signs of pain.
Sincerely,
Zan
Zan—Claire here, remember I contacted you over the Summer simply to vent and get perspective ?
I was wondering, you advised that dumpers usually make the same mistakes with their new partners because they don’t experience growth from the last relationship—where they held most if not all the power. Makes sense. However, what if the issue that caused them to dump the dumpee truly is the dumpee’s fault, and therefore the dumper will go on to treat his new girlfriends better? I am thinking sometimes the issue really could be just with the dumpee, and that the dumper will go on to have wonderful relationships down the road with people that have more to offer.
Also, I really admire the way you write. These are difficult topics to articulate effectively, and you have done so in the nicest way, during a pandemic no less!
You think like a scientist. I wonder if you are one.
Hi Claire.
It almost never is just the dumpee’s fault. Both people in a relationship need to find ways to work together and grow. If they can’t do that because the dumpee is unwilling, the dumper then dumps the dumpee and moves to the next relationship without reflecting. The reason for the lack of reflection is that the dumper feels victimized and feels no desire or need to self-invest. Yes, he or she can have a better relationship, but it won’t be thanks to the dumpee. It comes down to the dumper’s ability to grow.
Thanks, Claire! You’re the best! And between you and me, you definitely make a better scientist.
Kind regards,
Zan
I think this article is the most touched on that I ever read from you, Zan
Thank you for sharing your personal story too
❤️
Thanks as always, Linda.
I wasn’t sure about sharing the last part, but I’m glad I did.
Best regards,
Zan
Thank you for sharing Zan…I was wondering what motivates you to do what you do here, for others. 🙏
-A
Hi A.
I enjoy researching things and writing articles that explain human behavior. That’s enough to keep me entertained and busy. Also, comments like yours help a lot too. I like seeing I’ve helped someone find answers and closure. It gives my work purpose.
What people don’t know is that I learn as I write. Every article I publish, I take something from it and grow a bit.
Thanks for asking, A!
Zan