How To Trust Again After You’ve Been Hurt?

Learning how to trust again after getting hurt can be tricky as it can take a lot of courage to willingly make ourselves vulnerable and open up to both happiness and pain again.

But even though trusting another person can seem risky, the reward is that much greater. If you choose not to trust again, you could miss out on many new great friendships and relationships. It would truly be a shame to miss out on new opportunities.

The thing with trust is that it takes a long time to grow, but only one little mistake to destroy.

People learn the fastest through pain and suffering and this is precisely the reason why we have a hard time trusting again.

We’re all a little bit afraid of getting hurt again and would often rather stay in our comfort zone to avoid taking the risk.

The topic of this article doesn’t revolve around those who deliberately or unintentionally hurt us, but rather around ourselves as we are the creators of our own happiness.

How to trust again after you’ve been hurt?

Trusting someone who’s hurt you or a completely new person can seem difficult. But in reality, it’s only as difficult as you make it.

The more you tell yourself, “I can’t trust again, I don’t think I can risk being vulnerable again,” the deeper a wound you create. And the deeper the wound gets, the shallower your new relationships become.

Every time you affirm yourself that pain is bad and must be avoided at all cost, you assure yourself that you indeed can’t and won’t trust anyone again.

If you keep this up, you will little by little engrave in your brain that you can’t trust others for the sake of getting hurt. And once you’ve practiced not trusting others enough, you will actually believe it and make it a permanent part of you.

You won’t be able to trust another human being again and you certainly won’t even trust yourself. You will develop insecurities so deep, you won’t even realize the mess you’re in. Not until another person tries to get close to you again and you push him or her away.

So what is life without trusting others? If you ask me, it’s a sad, solitary experience. It’s a miserable way of living because bonding is part of human nature.

Trusting = happiness

Of course, it’s not necessary to trust others to survive in this world, but it does make our lives a lot easier. Relying on others for emotional, physical, and mental support makes us feel that we matter in this world.

That’s because this feeling of acceptance is a basic human need after all.

Here’s Maslow’s hierarchy of human needs.

Studies show that people who are lonely suffer from depression and other mental illnesses that much more frequently than those who are surrounded by trusted friends.

And unfortunately, trusting others is needed to have functional relationships.

I can’t trust people again

Trusting people makes us vulnerable, but it’s also what makes us human. Without trust, there are no healthy relationships. There are just two acquaintances minding their own business for the sake of their own convenience.

Relationships grow the most when they are based on a strong foundation of trust and respect. And when there is trust, sharing and exchanging emotions ensues—which creates feelings of acceptance.

Being able to put your faith into someone, inadvertently makes you a stronger and healthier person. This is because you bond with a person without even being aware of it.

The more you give, the more you get. And this doesn’t necessarily mean that the other person needs to return the same kind of service. It’s the action of opening up to someone else that makes you feel good about yourself. It’s all about the emotional investment.

When you’re thinking that you can’t trust someone/anyone for hurting you, you are essentially closing off your heart. You are deliberately shutting down your emotions by taking the form of an emotionless robot.

You are probably thinking, “If I don’t get attached, I won’t get hurt.” Although this is true, you also won’t enjoy life the way you could if you trusted people.

You will instead always appear stand-offish one step behind everyone else. People will treat you as unfriendly or asocial and leave you completely alone to yourself.

It won’t be their fault for treating you this way, but rather yours for signaling to them that you don’t enjoy human interaction.

Not trusting people is a weakness

If something or rather someone breaks your trust and hurts you, it doesn’t feel one bit enjoyable. As a matter of fact, it feels as if a knife plunged through your stomach, leaving you alive just to feel the pain.

Since it hurts so much, your knee-jerk reaction will likely be to try to hurt the person who broke your trust back. And once you do what you have to do, you will probably avoid trusting people again to prevent the pain from the past from repeating itself.

I understand this concept very well as I too have been hurt. I believe that most people will go through at least one awful trust-breaking experience in their lives. A difficult breakup is a good example of that.

But not trusting people isn’t how you become a stronger person. By refusing to trust again, you merely avoid the problem altogether and cause more suffering in the long run.

I can’t stress enough how much it sucks when a person you like or love can’t trust you after he or she has been hurt by someone. I have personally met a handful of “I can’t trust again” people and I can tell you that things haven’t been easy with them.

Gaining their trust shouldn’t have to be my job, nor my worry. As selfish as this may sound, we all deserve to be trusted from the very beginning of a friendly/romantic/work relationship. That’s because we weren’t the ones who hurt those wounded people. Someone else did.

Nobody can guarantee that you won’t get hurt again, but mark my words that if you get involved with an amazing person and you refuse to trust him or her to protect yourself, history will repeat itself and you will feel rejected again.

That’s because you will single-handedly create what you fear the most. It’s impossible not to when you’re literally asking for it.

You are responsible for your own emotions

Would you believe me if I told you that the person who’s hurt you isn’t solely responsible for the pain you feel?

If your partner left you and hurt you in the process, you are the one who is obliged to take care of yourself. Your (now) ex’s job was to make sure you’re happy whilst he or she was in a relationship with you. But now that it’s over, it’s your responsibility to look after yourself.

This means that while your ex is taking care of his or her own wants and needs, you should be doing your best to take care of yours with or without your ex’s help.

Not all dumpers feel obliged to help their fellow dumpees get over them. As a matter of fact, most of them don’t. So if your ex doesn’t wish to get involved, this has something to say about his or her morality.

Let them go

Some people come and other people leave. But the people that stay are probably the ones you should care about. As long as they show you they care about you through words and actions, you have nothing to worry about. They are there to stay.

As for the ones who decide to break your trust and leave, the story is a bit different. You must let them leave if they want to as you don’t have the right to hold them captive against their will—just to have them in your life. It won’t work anyway.

So even though it’s nearly impossible not to get hurt by the people that leave you, try not to hate them. They are merely looking after their own happiness.

Everyone deserves to be happy, right?

Am I still responsible for my emotions if my ex cheated and treated me poorly?

Getting betrayed and cheated on feels horrible and I honestly feel bad for anyone who’s had to experience it.

If you’re a victim of cheating, physical violence, lying and manipulating, you need to remind yourself that you didn’t deserve any of it. You’re not being punished for your wrongdoings or anything like that.

You’re only human so nobody can blame you for feeling powerful emotions of betrayal. You wouldn’t be feeling hurt and betrayed if you didn’t care about the person who broke your trust.

Unfortunately, even if your ex cheated on you or did something equally bad, you’re still the one responsible for what you feel on the inside. Nobody else can be blamed for the pain that you feel inside. Not even if they are the main cause of your pain.

Here’s a simple infographic guiding the dumpee and the dumper after cheating.

Your partner or ex-partner may be the initial cause of your pain, but now cheating is in the past, you are the one who either makes the pain go away or drags it along with you into the future.

The choice whether you’re going to develop trust issues is completely up to you and that’s why you have only two options.

1. You can either seal your heart off and refuse to let any new people in.
2. Even though your heart has gone through the grinder, you can slowly learn how to trust again.

Learning how to trust someone again after cheating or a horrible breakup can take some time so don’t expect quick results. Life just doesn’t work that way. Not unless you’ve already learned to work around anxiety, pain, suffering, and breaches of trust.

That which does not kill you makes you stronger.

Is it possible to restore trust when it has been broken to pieces?

If we consider cheating, for instance, trusting someone who has cheated on you is possible, but it takes a lot of time, hard work, and commitment from both the cheater and the cheatee.

It goes without saying that couples who cheat often get back together without using magic or secret tricks. They have a way easier method. It’s called “just do it.” And believe it or not, it’s really as effective and straightforward as it sounds.

If someone broke your trust, you will likely have many questions and concerns and will require a lot of reassurance from that person.

Since you’re feeling vulnerable trusting again, the person who broke your trust should happily offer answers to your questions and make you feel special for quite some time. We’re talking weeks and months of time.

Trust another person by trusting yourself

As long as your insecurities don’t exceed the point of where your questions turn into questioning and extreme trust issues, you have a chance of restoring trust with the person who broke it.

But if you refuse to trust the person who is willing to work on the relationship, he or she will sooner rather than later give up on you again. That’s because your insecurities will unintentionally create what you fear the most.

If the person who broke your trust truly loves you, he or she won’t risk losing you again. This person will instead show you just how important you are to him or her.

Continuous assurance and support are what can restore trust, but your partner, friend or family member really needs to work extra hard.

There’s a right and a wrong way to get someone to trust you again. One way is to just walk back into the relationship as if nothing happened and let that person deal with his or her insecurities. And the other way is to stand by that person’s side and provide the best support you possibly can.

Many years ago when I was cheated on by my ex-girlfriend and I forgave her, I was left completely alone to my own demons. I was told to “Deal with it,” so I did.

I didn’t have any choice but to work through inner conflicts by myself. But looking back in retrospect, this isn’t how you treat someone you care about. If you are forgiven for your wrongdoings, you need to prove your loyalty and be consistent at it for a very long time.

Trust is a two-way street

To be able to trust again after you’ve been hurt, you need to first be trusted. This, of course, usually isn’t an issue as you are the one who thinks you can’t trust again.

If you think you can’t trust a new person because someone else broke your trust to pieces, then he or she won’t trust you in return. As we mentioned earlier, you will create more difficulties and complications both for yourself and the relationship.

To avoid this, you must give in to fears and anxiety and openly embrace the unknown. You must do this despite it appearing frightening.

Here’s how to learn to trust someone again after you’ve gotten you heart ripped out.

To be able to trust again and give your trust to a new person, you must first become vulnerable. Just like you, he or she deserves everything too.

If you don’t give the new person everything you’ve got, your relationship will wither very quickly.

It might be too soon to open up

If you’re worried that you can’t love and trust another person because you feel emotionally depleted, then it’s clearly too soon for you to date. Your heart needs more time to recover from a breach of trust.

In that case, it’s okay to take some time off and fully heal first before you resume trusting people like you never got hurt in the first place.

How do you love again without comparing your present partner to your ex

If you’re still heartbroken, it would be wise to postpone dating for a while so that when you get involved with a new person, you won’t compare him or her to your previous partner.

The more you detach, the fewer comparisons you will make. And if the person you’re seeing is a better person than your ex, then you won’t melodramatically compare the two different beings. You will instead look at your new partner as the one and only.

The longer you are in no contact, the more significance your ex will lose and the more you will love your new boyfriend or girlfriend.

Moreover, there are no magic tricks to stop comparing romantic partners, but usually, time alone pushes your ex out of your memory. That’s why all you have to do is to trust the detachment process.

And whatever you do, don’t talk to your new partner about your ex. Unless he or she asks about your ex, your new partner doesn’t want, nor need to know about your past.

How can I love my new partner innocently with all the baggage?

To love innocently as if your ex never stabbed your heart, you need to remind yourself that the new person deserves your full trust and commitment.

If you don’t invest in your partner fully, you will always stand with one foot out of the relationship, scared of commitment. Due to doubt, fear, and underinvestment, your new partner could feel neglected and eventually leave.

Also, if your ex comes crawling back, you would likely abandon your functional relationship and go back to the broken relationship with your ex.

This is a common human behavior I notice very often. It occurs when people:

• are afraid of trusting the new person and investing in him or her
• enter a new relationship to ease their anxiety
• refuse to move on or do nothing to get over their ex
• have a very weak and underdeveloped mindset

So if you’re jumping in a new relationship before you’re fully over your ex, you need to first self-affirm yourself with the right kind of affirmations.

Create a list of things your new partner is great and read them often. Express gratitude to your partner as well and let him or her know you’re serious about the relationship.

So to love innocently again, you should basically do exactly what you did in your previous relationship. Just without all the relationship killers.

How to learn to trust again?

People are capable of doing horrible things to each other. But just because one person has done something bad to you, doesn’t mean that every single person will. The world isn’t that wicked.

You must remember that people are selfish by nature and will always do what is best for them. That’s why you must consider people leaving and hurting you a projection of their own fears and insecurities.

Here’s how you can learn to trust again after you’ve had your trust broken to bits and pieces.

1)Forgive yourself to forgive your enemy

The first step to getting over a trust issue is to forgive yourself for everything you’ve ever said and done that may have hurt others. Sincerely examine your behavior and find reasons why you may have behaved badly.

If you do this right, you won’t ever make the same mistakes again—which will allow you to disassociate yourself from the person you were in the past.

When you forgive yourself, your mind will no longer be plagued with should haves, could haves, and what if questions. You will instead accept your errors and treat them as a learning experience to grow and improve from.

2)Forgive others

Forgive people no matter how much they’ve hurt you. Fuming over others’ unfair treatment will only make you sick to the stomach. So get rid of any resentment pronto.

You can do this by writing a diary or forgiveness letters and read them whenever you feel the need for vengeance.

Anger is the kind of emotion that narrows your vision and keeps you hooked on the least important things in life. These are the things that don’t matter the slightest.

Holding grudges toward people that hurt you will keep you in the past while the real offenders get to live in the present.

Don’t give them the satisfaction of knowing that you’re bitter, angry or miserable. Don’t even let yourself know that so forgive and forget!

3)Accept vulnerability

The most important thing about learning to trust again after a breakup or a horrible trust-breaking experience is to accept vulnerability. You must be willing to get close to another person so that new trust and romance can develop.

If you build walls around you thinking it will help you soften the blow in case something goes wrong, you’re thinking way too far ahead. Remind yourself that you’re only at the beginning of the relationship and not at the end. You wouldn’t have gotten involved with another person if all you wanted was for the relationship to end.

That’s why you need to accept vulnerability otherwise your new relationship will struggle with intimacy and trust issues.

4)Give it your all like before

One way to learn to trust again is to always give it your best. Treat every person you encounter as if they are the most important person on Earth. And since they are the most important to themselves, make them feel that way too.

You won’t needlessly raise their ego or something as ridiculous as you may think. You will, however, give them a sense of belonging by making them feel valued. So make it a personal rule of yours to always be on your best behavior and you will sooner than later learn how to trust again.

5)Let it go

Time will without a doubt heal all wounds. But time on its own, won’t help you grow and deal with your insecurities.

That’s why you must learn to let go of everything that is holding you back from reaching your full potential.

Detach the negative association from pain and forget about getting hurt after a horrible relationship. In so doing, you will become stronger at dealing with fears and insecurities.

If you choose to instead give attention to your weaknesses, you will allow your negativity to make them grow. You will develop trust issues that could require professional assistance to get rid of. That’s why it would be wise to be prudent.

For your own health and well-being, learn to let go of everything that hurts you. This means that if your ex cheated on you and broke your trust completely, you should learn to let it go.

Or if this person was your best friend and he or she shared your secrets with people who shouldn’t know, let it go as well.

Whatever the case may be, get rid of absolutely everything that doesn’t serve you anymore.

You will find yourself being able to breathe again once you do.

6)Treat everyone differently

Every person is different. We come in different colors, shapes, and sizes and we also have different personalities and characteristics.

That’s why it’s extremely destructive when you try to label your next best friend or partner as someone who’s hurt you in the past.

In doing so, you will destroy the relationship before it even has the chance to blossom.

Please take this part seriously.

The new person doesn’t want, nor deserve to be compared to someone from your past. If this new person could choose, he or she would rather stay unique. The last thing he or she wants is to be connected to someone you’ve completely degraded in your mind.

Instead of comparing the new person to your failed relationship, tell him or her why he or she is one of a kind. If you do, you might just get a compliment or two back.

It’s worth a try.

7)Be openminded and patient

Give everyone a fair chance to show their true colors. It might take up to 6 months before they finally protrude through the surface, but the reward could be permanent.

You really have nothing to lose by taking your relationships slowly. The new person isn’t going to run away if things don’t escalate quickly enough.

And if by some chance he or she does, you will inadvertently get rid of someone who doesn’t deserve your trust.

8)Be optimistic

If you want to learn how to trust again, you must become/remain optimistic. You shouldn’t even think of the previous relationship as a setback. Think of it as an opportunity to meet better people who will treat you well.

You may think you’re out of luck right now, but if you consider your unfortunate circumstances from an optimistic and realistic point of view, you will realize it’s really a blessing in disguise.

The person slipping out of your life gave you nothing but more room for someone more qualified to arrive.

If you don’t believe me because you’re still hurt, just wait a little while. That day will surely come.

9)Grab the bull by the horns

Now that the worst has occurred, you really have nothing more to lose. So pick up the remaining pieces of your self-esteem and use it to your advantage.

You can make use of this occasion by figuring out what went wrong in your previous relationship. And once you did, use your gained experience to avoid similar dysfunctional relationship patterns.

Furthermore, when you get more relationship insight, you can also use this time to improve yourself.

Whether you want to make better decisions, fix bad behavioral patterns or improve your overall life, this is the time to do it.

Once you’ve improved to the point where you can’t even recognize yourself, you will be able to trust again and attract better people into your life.

10)Trust as if you’ve never had your trust broken before

The most important tip I can possibly give you is to pretend as if you never got your trust broken in the first place. Try to treat new people exactly the way you treated the person you trusted with your own life.

Keep your expectations high at all times and never lose hope in people. Not unless they walk out on you that is.

There will probably be times when you feel threatened to trust again. So even though you might feel overwhelmed, the only thing you can do is to persevere and just trust the person who trusts you.

Since trust is built on trust, it’s absolutely necessary for you to reciprocate it. Your future relationship depends on it.

So don’t be afraid to trust again no matter how hurt you got last time. Let not the past determine the quality of your life so force yourself if you have to.

You can do it.

Are you looking for ways to trust again after a horrible experience with someone you trusted? Did someone break your trust? Please comment below.