When your ex downgrades to someone who is appallingly worse than you in every aspect—you may find yourself astonishingly perplexed. Suddenly, you want to know everything there is to know about this new person and compare him or her to you and your amazing traits.
Since you are unbelievably curious, you quickly put your detective fedora on and log onto Facebook, Instagram, and other social media platforms to begin your stalking campaign.
Without delay, you start analyzing the new person’s pictures from every angle, read the profile synopsis, find out where this person works and who he or she hangs out with.
You really take your time with your investigation as there’s no way on Earth you’d let your bruised ego get away with it.
And once you’ve collected all the valuable information you can possibly collect, you finally take your detective hat off and recline back in your chair.
After a moment of silence, you start scratching your head and ponder; “I don’t get it. What does my ex see in this person anyway? Why did my ex lower his/her standards so much when I’m a million times better? This doesn’t make any sense.“
So if you’re having these thoughts and you can’t fathom why your ex downgraded badly, you may enjoy reading this article.
When your ex downgrades badly
If you’re constantly obsessing over your ex’ new partner—especially when your ex downgraded to somebody a million times worse than you, you must first understand that what you’re doing is self-destructive.
By thinking about your past (your ex) and combining it with your ex’s new partner, you are trapping yourself in a never-ending cycle that doesn’t help you in any way, shape, or form.
As an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, your ex doesn’t deserve your thoughts and attention and neither does the new person. As a matter of fact—they deserve absolutely nothing from you.
If they somehow find out that you’re thinking about them, they will only feel good about themselves and use you as an external source of energy that boosts their ego. So try not to give away any signs that could potentially validate and empower their existence.
I know it can be difficult not to compare yourself to someone else as it’s in our human nature to repeatedly compare the “befores and afters” to just about everything we encounter. We compare jobs, wages, financial stability, assets and liabilities, savings, popularity and fame, power and authority, social status and achievements and many other things that bring value to our lives.
Even though we are more than happy to upgrade from bad to better, we absolutely despise downgrading from good to worse. That’s because going to worse hurts our pride and makes us feel that we’ve lost something.
People value different things
People often don’t realize that bigger doesn’t necessarily mean better and that less can also be more. It’s all a matter of self-made norms and standards and our own perceptions of our surroundings.
As people, we learn most of our beliefs and behavioral patterns from caregivers in our childhood—without ever becoming consciously aware that we’re evolving. As for the rest of the beliefs, we develop on our own with our own thoughts and experiences in life.
This is why everybody grows up to be different in a ton of different ways.
For example, people have different preferences in:
- religion
- food
- work
- fashion
- love
- …
But despite everyone having different preferences, there is one common expectation everyone absolutely needs to live. This expectation is so strong, we absolutely demand it from life. We call it happiness.
Human beings absolutely need positive changes to be happy. We need goals to work toward—which give us the challenge and the motivation to direct our lives in a positive direction.
Moreover, if we don’t stay active and begin to stagnate, our lack of ambition causes our happiness in life to deteriorate. And before we know it, we lose that which matters the most – ourselves and eventually even the people around us.
We become such a burden on people that we slowly drag down everyone that is on the sinking boat with us. And when enough water gets on the deck and it’s obvious that the boat is going to sink, the people that we love fall back on their instincts and choose to save themselves.
This is why it’s so important to become happy with ourselves first and find our romantic partner after.
My ex downgraded
First of all, if it looks like your ex downgraded, you must understand that there are always two sides to each story.
One side of the story is the one that you create through observance and rumors. This is why we can confidently say that this interpretation of the story is based mainly on physical evidence and may even be ego-driven.
Contrarily, the other part of the story is slightly different. It’s written by your ex’s perception of the person that he or she is seeing. In other words, this story is slightly blinded by the power of love and involves both the physical and emotional aspect of the relationship. It’s something only your ex can understand by actually getting to know the person that he or she is dating.
So before you judge your ex’s new partner and proclaim that his or her standards have lowered significantly, consider your ex’s new relationship from both perspectives.
You must first realize that there are many things to consider about people and that it would be discriminative to categorize people based on just a few quick observations.
Since people come in so many different shapes and sizes, it would be nearly impossible to state all the things that make people – people.
So let’s just say that your ex could downgrade with the new person in the following areas of life:
- health: physical, emotional, mental, social, sexual
- personality and character: self-esteem, confidence, attitude, humor
- wealth: money, properties, assets, education, job
- relationships: family, friends, social status
Why did my ex downgrade?
When your ex downgrades to someone who doesn’t appear to be his or her best match, you may initially get confused and wonder what your ex sees in that person.
But we can’t say the same for your ex.
Your ex doesn’t feel confused at all because he or she chose to date this particular individual.
Since your ex’s perception of reality is clouded by his or her feelings for this person, your ex doesn’t see it as a downgrade. He or she sees the new dating candidate as an upgrade – an improvement from you.
Your ex isn’t, therefore, aware of the fact that it takes about half a year to get to know your romantic partner completely.
That’s why he or she only sees the positives that this new person brings to the table.
Because a long-term relationship (6 months +) is a pretty long time to spend with one person (you), your ex likely got tired of long-term commitments and began looking for something new and fresh.
Your ex probably kept an eye out for anything or anyone that catches his or her eye. This means that anyone similar or perhaps completely different from you could easily grab your ex’s attention and make him or her feel special again.
Eventually, an opportunity presented itself and that’s when your ex decided to replace you.
But before you lose respect for your ex, you must understand that when your ex downgrades to another person, your ex does so because he or she had felt emotionally drained for weeks prior to your breakup.
So in a way, this new person’s sole purpose is to finish the job that you started. He or she exists to refill your ex’s love tank and to distract him or her from the past.
More reasons for your ex’s downgrade
After the breakup, your ex also wanted to find a companion that will keep him or her busy enough to move on as quickly as possible. In this way, your ex tried to cut corners and avoid addressing his or her emotions and shortcomings.
That’s why your ex instead chose to cut corners and move on with the next “best thing” which may or may not be aware of the fact that your ex is using him or her for his or her selfish reasons.
Moreover, the company from this new person gave your ex the satisfaction of knowing that he or she is still desirable. It’s just one of those things that dating another person does. It quickly raises your ex’s ego, empowers him or her, and gives your ex a false sense of happiness.
This happiness is false because it stems from external factors that don’t revolve around your ex’s internal happiness.
So when your ex dates another person for the sake of feeling better about himself or herself, this is almost never a good idea. In so doing, your ex enters a relationship with the intention to steal from the new person—and not necessarily to contribute.
And as we mentioned earlier, unhappiness quickly begins to pile up and eventually overburdens the new relationship by transforming it into a take-take relationship.
Furthermore, another point worth mentioning is that your ex could also downgrade for the sake of sex alone. Guys especially are guilty of committing this sin after a serious long-term relationship because they tend to be more sex-driven.
Girls, on the other hand, often prefer security and comfort—so they tend to stay away from anything without the label “commitment” written on it.
What do I do when my ex downgrades?
If you think it’s your duty to inform your ex of his or her poor decision, you’re badly mistaken. Since your ex is an ex, his or her life is no longer your concern. Not as long as your ex’s safety isn’t at stake.
Here’s what not to do when your ex downgrades.
Provided your ex is an adult, he or she is more than capable of managing his or her life without the help of an ex-partner (you). So no matter what your opinion of your ex’s new partner is, keep it to yourself—especially if you still want your ex back.
If you don’t leave your ex alone, you will only appear bitter and jealous. That’s why you should let your ex live his or her life while you live yours.
Your ex probably isn’t being judgmental of your way of living either so neither should you. It’s not your time to play the hero—as nobody is asking you for personal opinion.
So unless your ex specifically asks you for an unbiased opinion, I kindly advise you to keep it yourself.
You will save yourself from complications and uncomfortable situations if you do.
The end is near
When your ex downgrades, it’s only a matter of time before he or she comes to a harsh realization. It’s inevitable.
But for your ex to get there, he or she needs to come to the conclusion on his or her own.
Eventually, when the initials highs of the relationship wear off, your ex will understand exactly what emotionally unattached people are talking about. Your ex will realize that other people’s opinions may have some truth to them and that perhaps your ex really deserves better.
When the realization finally seeps, your ex will have an important decision to make.
He or she will be confronted with two options.
- To proceed with the relationship and hope that he or she can positively influence the new person enough to be content.
- To let go of the downgraded partner and find a healthier alternative.
Did your ex replace you with someone who can’t even be compared to you? Kindly comment below this article and let us know how it feels when your ex downgrades badly.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.
My ex of 3 years who we shared our “firsts” in almost everything with each other, was struggling to get through a mutual breakup and seemed like she wanted to get back together. Come to find out a week later she doesn’t want to get back and starts acting all weird. Turns out she got into a rebound relationship that is a huge downgrade in every aspect. I haven’t spoken to her for almost a month since she was not giving me any energy back and was pursuing things with this guy. I want her to realize how much she loved me because of how much I did for her and that I want to work through flaws and mistakes. Eventually, I want to reconcile but she’s posting many pictures where she looks very happy with him and it makes everything complicated.
Don’t reconcile. Do indefinite no contact. Block her on social media.
Move on. She has.
Also keep in mind social media never provides the full picture of how things are. Definitely go indefinite NC.
Hi Jack.
She’s doing everything she can to convince herself he’s the right guy for her. Only time will tell if he is. Leave her alone until their relationship ends, and she reaches out to you. She can’t focus on two guys at the same time.
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex appears to have “downgraded” with the person she left me for. I first heard about the “downgrade” from one of her family members evidently her father and siblings were shocked at how completely different me and her new bf are and her father even commented to her that she made a huge mistake. In the major categories; income, education, physical appearance, age, he appears to be the exact opposite of me and by most peoples accounts not in a good way. As the article states however, he is evidently providing her something that I couldn’t whether it be a party lifestyle without responsibilities or the high of being a new sexual partner. While it bothers me, it is her choice that she made for her own reasons. I do still have strong feelings for but with the manipulation and cheating that occured during our long term relationship I really don’t know if I would ever try reconcile things with her.
Hi Rico.
It seems that she prioritized short-term happiness over long-term goals and security. If she really did downgrade, she’ll start experiencing problems when they get out of the love stage and face problems.
Hang in there,
Zan
Thanks Zan
Do they typically come back once the honeymoon phase ends?
Hi Rico.
They don’t come back just because the honeymoon phase ends. When they come back, they do so because they couldn’t make it work with the other person and got hurt.
Sincerely,
Zan
hello,
I met a girl who was always sad.
I helped her heal over her toxic ex.
we dated for a year and a half.
I treated her like a princess.
She was now healed, happy and strong girl.
Then she broke up with me for supposedly ethnic reasons.
2 weeks later she’s with someone else (downgraded)
5 months later she called me saying he treats her poorly, she cries herself to sleep every night etc.
I helped again.
2 weeks later she tells me she wants to give the guy another chance.
I was flabbergasted.
How can she choose to stay with someone who treats her badly?
This the price to pay for helping someone ?
Hi Alex.
The girl didn’t value you. She thought the green was greener on the other side and left to chase external happiness. Since she didn’t find it, she came back to rely on you just to go back to the guy who mistreats her. I think she’s attached to the ups and downs and doesn’t understand what a good relationship is. She has a lot of baggage too, so I hope you move on and find someone who appreciates you from the start.
Best regards,
Zan
My wife announced separation three months ago and almost immediately entered into a new relationship. While she denies it, I’m quite certain she monkey branched off of me. We were married for almost 15 years. We have two children together.
Her new boyfriend is a downgrade in almost every way possible. Yes, I’m obviously biased here as a dumpee. I have a very good paying and respectable job with a generous benefits package and our family was in a very financially stable position. We were able to travel out of the country 1-2 times a year. I am physically active and I take good care of myself. I like to think that I am still somewhat physically attractive for my age. After having said all that, our relationship was in bad shape for sometime and I am admittedly at fault in some areas. I apologized to my wife for my failures as an husband and hoped to reconcile but she had no interest.
My ex’s new boyfriend lives with his mother, works at a local grocery store stocking shelves, smokes tobacco, and does not appear to look after his health in any visible way. He talks, dresses, and acts like a person half his age. I’m not certain, but I do not believe he even owns his own vehicle. He is clearly not very intelligent. He also has some other significant baggage I perhaps should not mention here.
My ex has been spending ridiculous amounts of time with this person since the relationship started. I am often looking after the kids most of the time so she can have trysts with her boyfriend. I am quite confident that she has built up a fairytale in her head where she will move in with him in the near future and somehow subsist entirely on the positive feelings of the limerance phase of a new relationship.
I believe it only to be a matter of time before she realizes what she has gotten herself into. I can only hope karma will catch up to her in due time.
Hi Bert.
Your ex can only see the new guy’s positive traits for now. She likes the way he makes her feel, so for her, it’s not a downgrade yet. It could be once she gets to know him fully and starts arguing. Their success depends on whether they get along rather than superficial things like where he lives and what car he drives. Unless your ex expects certain privileges, only time will tell whether they break up or stay together.
I encourage you to work on your flaws – the issues that broke the relationship. Don’t let your ego slow you down.
Sincerely,
Zan
Well ladies kind of do the same thing….what’s that saying…..
The Best Way to get over a guy is to get under a guy…😘
So much for your theory that women are more interested in committment after a long-term relationship…lol
NOT !😉
Hi Kiartari.
If you try to get over a guy when you’re attached to him, you’ll rebound terribly. Best to heal without the help of romantic/sexual partners.
Best,
Zan
Zan,
I enjoyed this article, my ex-girlfriend broke up with me in December 2022 and of course did not give me a good reason. I am doing much better now, of course it still bothers me at times. I guess you could call it a downgrade from me, but she seems to have gone back to her usual kind of guy that she dated before me. This is what I have learned about her Ex’s.
Guy1. Her sons dad, barely employed alcoholic druggie who has no interest in his son. Not sure if she was on and off again with this one.
Guy2. She left him when they got back together because they had a daughter, he was an on and off again relationship. The relationship ended when she caught him doing drugs while watching their daughter. He is also barely employed and has felonies.
Guy3. He was an abusive alcoholic who again she has been on and off again with for year.
I am sure there have been others as well, but I never asked because I did not care. We both work at the same hospital system but different locations. I always liked her and stared dating her sometime after it ended with guy 3 when he cheated on her. I guess I was love bombed because she told me I was the first guy she wanted to marry me and said how amazing and perfect I was. I would always tell her I am far from perfect lol! So two months after she broke up with me she bread crumbed me and when confronted about it she said she wanted to be friends and just “text n such”. I declined and explained why. Not long after that she was back to the same kind of guy she has always been with. He has several drug convictions and felonies and is also barely employed. I have mixed emotions about her going back to her usual type of guy. As the dumpee though I do feel that I have come out of this and am doing really well, I do still feel pain sometimes. The big positives for me is I lost 21 pounds and got a new position at the hospital as operations manager of the surgery service line. That was a huge goal that I have been working towards, she was actually very supportive of that. The only reason I shared this about her Ex’s and current boyfriend is that after I read this article I thought her pattern of choosing similar men (except me) was interesting. And I also think she might have been telling the truth the last time we talked before I ended things for good when she told me “Im not good enough for you”. With her pattern of going back to Ex’s I do worry that she might try and come back in the future.
Any thoughts on this Zan?
Thank you!
Andrew
Hi Andrew.
She indeed has a pattern of going for the same kinds of men. She does this because like attracts like. She hasn’t developed herself to the point where she could meet someone better and be in a stable relationship. Those who are good, she doesn’t appreciate because she’s not used to them.
I wouldn’t envy her or feel jealous if I were you. I’d stop checking up on her and move forward with my life.
Best,
Zan
I first commented on this post on June 26th, 2022.
I can’t spell this out enough, let your ex live his life whilst you rebuild your’s. It’s taken me 16 months to reach a stage where I honestly don’t care what he’s doing, or who with.
During the past 16 months I’ve spent hours reading blogs like these and Zan’s especially, have helped enormously.
I’ve realised my 23 year relationship with my ex had become a co-dependent one. I relied on him for everything, to the extent I didn’t even know who our utility/insurance providers were. My confidence plummeted over the years and I put up with unacceptable things in our relationship because I was so fearful of it ending and not being able to cope on my own. I was driven by fear of the unknown. Then due to a number of issues within the family he left me. At the age of 59 I was forced to take control of my life, and I did.
Your pride when your ex dates someone straight after your breakup will take a hit. It might feel worse if he appears to ‘downgrade’ but you need to remember your ex has his own reasons/issues for dating who he does.
Don’t get me wrong, if you share children and they tell you how ‘bad’ their dad’s new relationship is and it’s affecting them (even if young adults) try to be adult in speaking out (and you will want to say something if your children are being hurt/disrespected by the new GF). Your ex won’t take kindly from being ‘told’ how awful his new GF is, whether she is or not, it’s his choice who he dates.
The best thing for you (dumpee) is to take as much time as you need to re-discover who you are, and what you want in a relationship.
I was with my ex for 23 years and our sex life had extinguished. Not on my part, on his, and he had rebuked me on the last occasions I tried to initiate sex. I know this was mainly due to his unhappiness, in himself, with his lack of success in life (professional/financial) and ultimately with me. But I couldn’t say anything because he didn’t want to discuss it and having a temper, I knew he’d storm off and I’d become anxious and fearful. So in time, I just learnt to accept this way of life.
A failed relationship doesn’t make YOU a failure. Walk with your head held high and carry a smile on your face and love in your heart – for yourself and all your family and friends who love you for being YOU.
Hi Beverley.
Thanks for sharing your experience and tips. Codependence takes time to detox from. I’m glad you were able to rebuild your worth from the ground up and focused on your kids and those who deserved your attention. My advice is to stay physically and emotionally away from your ex. He seems resentful and incapable of not taking criticism so personally. That’s his problem, not yours.
I think that as time goes on, he’ll start to realize that he got into another unhealthy relationship and that it’s affecting him and those around him.
Stay strong, Beverley!
Zan
Hey Zan,
Me and my ex were together for nearly 4 years (even got married on paper to move to countries). In the end she cheated on me (even though she claims she never did). I am 37 but look young for my age, and take care of myself physically, and she is 22, very beautiful, and her teacher was 54, and a bit heavier and not attractive. She always had a thing for older guys but it blew my mind she could do this. After she moved out she tried reconciling with me, we even went to couple counseling a few times, but in the end I caught her lying multiple times and ended up blocking her. Later she messaged me through instagram which I didn’t block her on but we don’t follow each other. It was basically a breakup message that she has changed and needs different things in life. I was already moving on and instead of arguing just wished her health and happiness in her life. A week later she messaged me that she couldn’t get me out of her brain and I just replied sarcastically as I knew it was just an empty breadcrumb.
Anyways, fast forward almost two months later we hadn’t spoken. I have been dating several girls, and I guess word got to her that I had a girlfriend (even though I am just casually dating). I had one of the girls over at my place last Wednesday and we were about to leave to go eat when she told me someone was banging on my window. The girl went in my room and I opened the window and it was my Ex. She wanted to know if she received a package her friend sent her. She hasn’t lived with me in over 6 months so I think it is BS her friend would send a package to my address. She started asking me how I am and said she heard I had a GF. I told her I don’t but I am dating. She then said that is too bad because we could have went on a double date because she has a boyfriend. Then she insisted on showing me a picture of him. I told her I don’t care and that I am busy, but she pulled out her phone anyways. First thing she showed me was her riding in a convertible. I was like okay… and then she showed me a pic of the two of them. He is older, in his 40’s and not very attractive. She then said all her friends say he looks like me to which I laughed. She lingered at my window, tried explaining the breakup, and asking if I still did the things that bothered her like drinking and playing video games (all of which I quit while we were still in a relationship). I just acted very indifferent and nodded to most of her statements. She tried flirting with me a bit and I eventually told her, look I know you are still in love with me but you need to move on. She became very defensive at that statement. I told her to wrap it up because I had to leave and then she asked if I could come out side. I told her no, there is no reason too and said I have to go.
The whole thing left me extremely confused. The girl I had over heard the whole thing and said she sounded crazy. She said my ex is still in love with me, but if that is true why would she come over just to tell me about her new boyfriend? She is the one that ended things and now she has downgraded (well maybe not in the money department, but I don’t know for sure). My only thought is she is a narcissist who feels like she lost control over me and is trying to see if I still care. Would love to hear your thoughts (sorry it was long winded…)
Thanks
Hi Shin.
Your ex had feelings for you and wanted to make you jealous (react in ways that would validate her). She showed you her boyfriend because things weren’t going very well for them. She probably couldn’t connect with him, so she showed you something else she could brag about and bring a reaction out of you. It’s up to you if you still trust her. But in my opinion, she’s very young and lacks experience. I would be careful because she hasn’t lowered her pride, admitted to making a huge mistake, and wanting to fix things.
Sincerely,
Zan
My partner of 23 years left me in January. We’d both been unhappy due to the stresses of family life (two teenage daughters). We’d both had mental health issues and he called our relationship toxic. We hadn’t had sex in over 8 years but when I tried to last initiate sex he said he felt emasculated. Like a lot of couples I’d hoped things would improve…
After leaving and following a post on a local neighbour website about healthy eating cookery classes he hooked up with a woman one week after leaving us.
He never told us (importantly our daughters) about this new ‘lady friend’ (as he called her) who he moved in, along with her 7 year old son and dog due to being evicted.
When confronted with this ‘friend’ 3 months later at my exes home my 18 year old daughter asked her dad that the friend leave the room.
The friend stormed out the house, demanding respect and shouting she was more important than my daughter. Two days later my ex threw his ‘friend’ out.
She came back the following day and took all the food, toilet rolls, my exes Fixident (he has one tooth denture) bedding and Easter eggs my ex had bought for my daughter and her boyfriend.
My ex told us all he’d kicked her out of his house and life and reassured my daughters he’d never need to see her again.
He recently advised me about all the arseholes out there, and to watch how they speak to their exes on the phone – he confirmed he was talking about her.
Fast forward 2 months (yesterday) and my 18 year old is back to stay with my ex again for a week (I don’t have a third bedroom in my house for her and her boyfriend to stay when visiting from uni) and he tells our daughter he’s going to be helping someone move a fish tank.
I take my daughter back following a family celebration and there’s a car parked on the drive. My daughters boyfriend quips ‘so long as it’s not ******** car.
You’ve guessed it, it was.
My daughter’s walked in to have her dad say he had a guest and would my daughter like to say hello!!!
I ended up collecting my distraught daughter whilst her dad was out helping his ‘friend’. His response to my daughter leaving was shocking, saying she should’ve stayed to talk things through like an adult!!
She did have to go back to stay and lots of heated words were said and texted between me and him last night. He did confirm he was seeing his friend again but the lies and feelings of betrayal towards our two daughters is beyond words. He ended up shouting at me to **** off.
I had been hoping to reconcille at some stage and we’d been getting on well, reconnecting emotionally, although when I broached the subject of getting back together he’d say ‘never again’.
When I left his house last night I asked how he could have such little self respect for himself….I know he felt forced to leave me due to mental health issues but this new ‘friend’ of his vapes (he hates smoking) has bad eating habits and he has put on two stone since leaving! I just don’t get it.
Hi Beverley.
I know you feel betrayed. But rest assured that the relationship your ex has with this person is nothing to be envious of. He’s going to give them a few more tries, but eventually, they’ll break up. This is because they won’t be able to understand each other and change who they are.
I only hope that your daughters and you don’t get too involved in this or it could get messy.
Keep moving on, Beverley. Try to let your ex do what he wants for now.
Best regards,
Zan
Thank you Zan, I appreciate your reply and sensible words.
You’re welcome, Beverley.
I hope it helped!
Zan
It certainly did Zan. All your posts are helping me enormously. My confidence and self belief that my life will be good, with or without my ex, has grown enormously. Thank you.
That’s the spirit, Beverley!
You’ve come very far. Make sure to keep working on yourself so that your next relationships will be better.
Kind regards,
Zan
My girl left me after 4 years of nothing but good times. Never even an argument. She is now dating a guy that has signed away the rights to his kids, has been in jail, does drugs, has no teeth, gets jealous, gets physical with his girlfriends, is a drunk and has a DUI.
Hi Steve.
Your ex didn’t value what she had. She took you for granted and has to learn the hard way that the relationship with this person won’t be very easy.
Kind regards,
Zan
I went through very tough times because of his then-ex girlfriend, who was a downgrade rebound for him to get over me. And when he thought I rejected him, he went back to her because she’s easy to get and certainly not any kind of prize catch. I kind of look at it like this: he’s not the most successful I can get. Inheriting money isn’t that big of a deal and I deserve someone truly amazing and outstanding who wouldn’t be with someone as ugly and worthless as her in the first place. I think she’s more on his level: pathetic, passive aggressive, manipulative, not that bright. He’s so easily manipulated by others that it’s hard to respect him. Without any inner compass, what is he? A complete loser. That’s why he can’t get a girl who is a winner. He doesn’t deserve me. I’d take him if he ghosted her and put her in her place for what she did to me, but idk, I can get a multibillionaire. Why settle for just a multimillionaire, you know, and especially one who isn’t even self-made? He’s never really struggled or sacrificed for anything his entire life other than his 2 year ruthless pursuit of me, and he didn’t do that great of a job anyway. Lower tier girls are more in his league. I deserve someone at the very top. The betrayal of this has been pretty revelatory: someone without good judgment and good discernment is never going to amount to much in life. He believed that cum dumpster over me, and that says everything. Too stupid to think for himself, so let him get fleeced by an ugly gold digger. He doesn’t deserve a good woman when he is not a good man. He deserves what he is settling for, roll on the floor laughing. Can you imagine the kind of shell shock he’ll get on Monday morning, and then for the rest of his pathetic life? Either he’ll dump the lying gold digger immediately or he’ll marry her, but either way I come out from this very aware that I want a courageous husband.
Hi Misha.
The law of attraction states that like attracts like. Your ex attracted a person who is more like him in many ways, so don’t be upset with your ex. Pity him instead.
Try to look at it as an opportunity for you to meet someone better suited for you.
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex broke up with me 2 weeks before our 3 year anniversary. It was a Friday, I drive by on Monday and there’s a car there. I ask him and he says it’s just a friend and wouldn’t talk to me until the following Saturday. The car was there the whole week. On our actual anniversary he took her skydiving. I find out he works with this girl who just got out of an 18 month jail stint. She is a felon and an ex iv drug user. Someone he despises because that’s all he told me about the people that work for this company. Probation always sends people over there to get a job. It’s been 6 weeks and she already moved in
I was with a narcissist for 3 1/2 years – live in for most of that. I moved out because of a very manipulative suicide attempt and the yelling and screaming in front of my children. He had a gaming buddy that he has been friends with for a while (a couple of years)…it wasn’t until the end of the relationship that I became uncomfortable with their friendship and even verbalized it to him. Even though I moved out to preserve what we had left he refused to go to counseling to try and salvage the good we did have and eventually broke it off with me saying I took his money, I took his home away from him, etc. etc…the money was my paycheck he spoke of. He is on disability and sits at home all day. He blames me for everything, the suicide attempt, the leaving, the taking his home away, breaking up our family, says I was his abuser….well…he immediately starting to date this girl…but wait there is more…she lives up in Canada and is on gov assistance up there. We are farther south in the states. She has more in common with him as far as the gaming but I knew the minute I left he would get with her…..I am just mad at myself for giving him more that I gave anyone else and falling for his BS love bombing in the beginning of our relationship…..I pray he finds happiness with her…but she definitely is a downgrade from me.
My situation is more unique because I am 22 years older than he is, so I own a house, have several college degrees, etc. He works as a security guard and she is a coworker. I am a firm believer your worth as a person is not determined by your finances, education, etc. but in how you treat yourself and your fellow humans. She is frequently dirty and her housekeeping is beyond horrendous. She is married and lives with her husband but dates because she says they don’t have enough money to get divorced.
Last year I worked at a seasonal amusement park for Christmas money and gave him some free tickets he was supposed to use to come see me perform. Believing they were just friends, and knowing her daughter would enjoy it, I suggested he bring her and her daughter. Lo and behold, the one night they could get off together was the one night I had a conflict and wasn’t going to be at work. I showed up after my commitment was over and the minute I saw her I knew she was on a date even if he wasn’t. He left me a month later.(That it was a date has been confirmed by a mutual friend. The ex came into his store with the new gf. Our friend let him have it for dating new her while he was still living with me. Ex tried to deny it was a date. New gf said, “Yes, it was. Stop lying to yourself.”)
They are together now. I took a legal document that arrived for him after he moved out to where he was working. He didn’t say one word to me. Not hello. Not thank you. Nothing. I was so furious I fired off an email where I pointed out that not only did I deserve better treatment but also that he had cheated on me in every way but sexually. (He did save that for after we broke up.) In addition, he was with a woman who not only dates a man with a girlfriend but LETS THE GIRLFRIEND FUND THE DATE.
So while I have trouble believing in “upgrade” and “downgrade” I’m pretty confident that I, as an ethical human who keeps myself and my environment clean, am superior to her. And I still love the worthless SOB that left me for her, God help me.
I was dating a narcissist for 3 looooooong years. Hopefully most of you understand what it’s like to be with one. Anyway, this man didn’t have a job, A Car, anywhere to live no license no job nothing. But he had a clever excuse for all of that. Long story short I provided everything for him, I completely spoiled this man. He ended up stealing from me, I kicked him out. He ended up finding someone a month after we split, she is just like him, she has nothing, no car, no job blah blah blah. It’s definitely a downgrade and I just don’t get it. I guess she’s just a rebound.
Hi Cheri.
Thanks for commenting.
I hope your life has improved since the breakup and that you’ve managed to find happiness once again.
Best,
Zan
I was in a crazy toxic live-in relationship with a man(child) for 2 years. Because I was his world and his rock (codependent)….do you see where I am going with this? He was a major covert narcisisst. Anyways a break up was inevitable and that’s a story for another day but just 2 weeks after our breakup my ex stared dating a little person ( a dwarf). I realize that this is a person so please do not judge me but the truth is I get amazing feedback and I am well secure in my physical beauty but I was mortifies and felt humiliated beyond belief. My ego kicked in big time. He told me that the reason he did it was because she was buying him and he needed the attention and that she could not get any better and she was completely in love with him. Unfortunately this person has now suffered a major heartbreak because he was using her for a rebound and for someone to make him feel good. The ex now wants me back but I can not get over what he did and who he did it with. I am not a shallow person by nature but this to me just was a total slap in the face. I was good to this man and it was his actions that cause all the issues which led to us breaking up in the first place.
Hi Mar.
I understand your situation.
In your case, it might not be best to rekindle your relationship. Not until your ex (and you) have improved your negative patterns.
As for your fears about what he did, try not to be concerned about them. They are irrelevant and totally pointless when you really think about it.
Best,
Zan
My ex is dating a guy from my social circle (we go out together every week, we are good friends). She was quite depressed for 6 months and hasn’t had any luck with love after me. Everyone is shocked and people were laughing when they found out because, not to be rude or anything, he is probably the least attractive guy from my group. Not to mention that she is definitely his first girlfriend, we have never seen him even make out with a girl before, so he is not experienced. He is quite similar to me physically, but not really mentally.
The thing is, they are keeping it a secret from me. He told all the guys about it except for me, and claims he is not seeing anyone when i am in their company, but once i am not, he is always talking about her and showing them messages.
What would you do in this situation? Thanks for the help.
Hi Twist.
There’s not much you can do other than being your best self all the time. Show her you’re still and always will be her best option.
It’s up to her to realize your worth.
If she doesn’t, however, it’s her loss.
Stay strong and keep improving!
Best regards,
Zan
My ex did something of a combination between gigs and rebounding. The woman seemed ok at first and has since proven to be pretty much full of drama. She is a poor excuse for a therapist, and has intentionally caused issues between him and his friends, by telling him in a “therapeutic way” that they aren’t high value and don’t care enough about him, which is absolutely not true. I don’t think he sees these things though.
I am a very grounded woman and continue to be so even during the breakup and since then. She may have appeared to be in the beginning, but her true colors are showing, I just don’t think he sees them. It is much worse than even the little I am telling, but yeah, she is a bit of a cray cray.
Hi JMak.
Thanks for the comment.
Your ex had made the decision to date this girl so it’s only a matter of time before he sees her for who she is. And when he does, boy will your value skyrocket.
Stay strong,
Zan
My ex moved on this weekend we only broke up 6 weeks ago.
She has said she was over us 12 months ago.
I have been going through some tough stuff and had been quite withdrawn and moody.
I take full responsibility for that and wish it never happened.
But when we did split it was fast.
I am still living with her as a boarder for another 10 days.
That was to help her to keep the house I do not think she realizes how much me staying helped and I wanted to leave asap so hopefully I was missed.
Anyway she has a new man and he was going out with her Sister for a while.
He is a pot smoker heavy and has anger issues.
She has 3 children 2 girls and a son.
I can see this being a disaster as he looks dirty and also has no money and no job.
She seems over the moon.
I still love her and am trying to put on the bravest face.
I already did not like the guy at all from when he went with the sister.
so here goes.
I am still in the friend zone and he will not like that so any tips? ideas?