If you’re in a rebound relationship or your ex seems to be in one, you need to know what the stages of a rebound relationship are so you know what to expect and how to react.
Just as people need time to develop feelings and grow a bond with someone they like, they also need a reasonable amount of time to detach after a romantic relationship. And they need to do that by focusing on internal happiness rather than connecting with other people and trying to plan a life with them.
That’s how they can let go of their ex and open their heart up to someone new.
The biggest problem for dumpers is that they usually don’t have any romantic feelings for their exes. They’re normally mainly or fully detached, so they don’t usually sit at home and cry for ages. Although some dumpers cry, they don’t cry because they’re still in love with their exes and can’t move on without them.
They cry and think about their exes because they feel guilty and can’t forgive themselves for hurting their ex.
Bear in mind that the 6 stages of a rebound relationship follow a similar pattern to the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper. All of these stages happen naturally with time and experience. But how much they affect dumpers depends on how mature dumpers are, how developed their next romantic partner is, and how capable they are of letting go of the past and respecting their ex.
Most dumpers start respecting their ex only when they need to start respecting their ex. And they need to do that when they need help coping with whatever issue they got themselves into. This issue can be anything that caused them stress, depression, low self-esteem, or problems in their next (rebound relationship).
When they start rebounding aka realizing that they’re not the most compatible with the new person, that’s when they think about their ex and feel pulled toward him or her. That’s when they doubt whether they’ve made the right decision.
It sucks, but couples in long-term relationships tend to take each other for granted. They often experience GIGS – the grass is greener syndrome and develop negative thoughts and feelings.
The best way for them to get out of this downward spiral and respect/love each other is to get into a new relationship with someone else (rebound or not) and compare the new person to the previous one. This is how they can realize that their previous relationship was much better than the relationship they got into after and that they need to go back to their ex before it’s too late.
This article will explain what dumpers go through during the 6 stages of a rebound relationship for the dumper. We’ll clarify how dumpers’ thoughts and feelings change over time – when things don’t go smoothly for them.
1)Infatuation
At the end of a long-term relationship, dumpers feel and appear extremely empowered.
They feel as if they’ve just gotten out of the worst prison on Earth and must now make use of their time and excitement. One way for them to do that is to look for new activities and people to share their energy and relief with.
After some searching and digging, they eventually find someone who either resembles their dumpee or actually has nothing in common with him or her. In their minds, they don’t care who the next person is. They just want to move on from their previous relationship as quickly as they possibly can.
They don’t wish to be reminded of their ex and think about their ex when they’re finally free of their ex. That’s why they often get romantically and/or sexually involved with the first person who shows interest in them.
By doing so, they distract themselves from the end of their long-term relationship and once again experience the limerence phase of a new relationship.
In this phase, dumpers feel alive again and project their elation onto their new dating candidate. They want to show the new person they’re fun and easy to connect with. So they do just that. They focus on things that portray them in good light and don’t worry too much about the future.
They can deal with difficult topics and problems when they get to them.
One of the most important things dumpers initially don’t understand though is that their infatuation is just infatuation. It’s not love because their feelings are increased from the end of their previous relationship and the excitement created by mutual attraction.
We can say that dumpers feel in love. But real love doesn’t occur until months later when they get to know their new partner and learn how their new partner responds to difficulties.
As a result of relief and optimism for the new romantic opportunity, dumpers feel good to be around their partner. They feel excited to give and receive love, so they think their new partner will always make them feel good and be so flawless.
Little do they know that their partner will be flawless only for as long as they’re in the early stages of a rebound relationship and too emotional to care about their partner’s shortcomings.
When they get used to their partner and stop feeling elated, they and their partner will show their true colors and appear much different. They’ll reveal what they’re like as people and how ready they are to maintain a serious romantic relationship.
But until then, the dumper will appear to be having the time of his or her life, obsess over the new romantic partner, and fantasize about an unrealistic future with him or her.
2)Honeymoon
The honeymoon stage is often described as the blind stage. Couples in this stage are so blinded by love they only see the best in each other. They don’t think about each other’s flaws because they feel too good to be bothered by such “trivial” matters.
They just focus on enjoying each other’s company and on getting closer to each other. An emotional bond, physical attraction, and sex compel them to keep seeing each other and getting the most out of the relationship.
The easiest way to notice that a person is in the honeymoon stage of a rebound relationship for the dumper is to look at the dumper’s body language and demeanor. If the dumper posts a lot of in-love pictures on social media, professes love often, and spends a lot of time with the new person, the dumper feels excited to be in love and wants to continue experiencing love.
Love makes the dumper feel wanted and releases happy hormones in the dumper’s brain.
The reason why the honeymoon stage of a rebound relationship is so easy to spot is that couples move through the relationship stages very quickly. They meet each other’s family, move in together, get engaged, and act as if they’ve known each other for years.
They make important decisions before they even get to know each other and see what their relationship is going to be like when things get serious and difficult.
Romantic relationships take many months to naturally progress into trusting relationships, yet, rebounds seem to do it much quicker. This is because rebound couples listen to their hearts and make emotional decisions. They don’t think things through logically because logical thinking could slow down their pace and force them to experience less happiness.
You need to understand that couples going through a rebound relationship don’t take the time to build trust, respect, love, acceptance, kindness, gratitude, and genuine care for each other. They leave these important things for later and by doing so, risk falling out of love when they get through the honeymoon stage and realize they have a lot of things to talk about and figure out.
In the honeymoon stage of a rebound relationship, couples promise each other the world. They do this because they feel in love and can’t imagine being without each other. It’s only until a couple of months later that infatuation wanes and reality seeps in.
3)Reality and conflicts
At the end of the honeymoon stage comes the reality and conflicts stage of a rebound relationship. In this stage, couples’ love hormones wear off and force them to see things more rationally. They still feel attracted to each other, of course, but they’re finally able to notice each other’s imperfections.
They see that their partner is just a human being with flaws and that they can now experience negative emotions such as anger, frustration, and pain.
This makes them react to those emotions and test each other’s patience and relationship skills. Suddenly, the relationship is no longer all sunshine and rainbows. It’s become a lot more serious and realistic (the way the relationship is going to look like soon).
In the reality and conflicts stage, couples get a preview of some of their relationship issues and set some rules and standards for dealing with conflicts.
Since people are creatures of habit, they show how developed they are and act how they acted in their previous relationships. This means that if the dumper monkey-branched from one relationship to the next and refused to change anything about him or her, the dumper is going to repeat the same mistakes from the previous relationship.
The relationship won’t be any different/better than the previous one because behavioral patterns take a lot of time to change. Not only do they take time, but they take immense willpower and commitment.
So if the dumper is in the reality and conflict stage of a rebound relationship and he or she refused to grow within, know that the dumper will soon start encountering the same or similar problems as before. The dumper probably won’t even know that he or she has issues to work on because the dumper will still blame the dumpee for the end of the previous relationship.
The dumper will remain ignorant until he or she sees that the new relationship has the same problems and that he or she may be responsible for them.
4)Nostalgia and comparisons
When rebound relationships start experiencing difficulties, dumpers often think back and ponder on the relationship they had with their ex. They remember that they didn’t argue as much as they do now and that they may even have felt more understood and respected.
Due to unhappiness and nostalgia, they then compare the two relationships and sometimes even start wondering if they’d made the right decision.
Generally speaking, the more issues dumpers face, the more strain they put on the relationship. If they don’t find ways to cope with issues and resolve them quickly, nostalgia can make them doubt their new relationship and destroy love in the relationship
This is because doubts affect dumpers’ feelings and tire them out. They make them remember their ex’s good traits and behaviors and create cravings for the past. Cravings that are difficult to resist when their new relationship is falling apart.
In the nostalgia stage of a rebound relationship, every time there’s a difficult argument, dumpers reminisce about the past and detach from the present a bit. They feel repelled by their new partner and feel pulled toward their ex. This is what causes them to reach out and see if their ex is still available.
If their ex appears strong and independent, dumpees then feel even more attracted to the dumpee. That’s because they see that their ex respects himself or herself and that their ex can help them cope with the failure of their new relationship.
If their ex appears too soft and welcoming, however, dumpers usually don’t like that very much. They don’t feel the need to run back to their ex because their ex can’t give them the kind of relationship they’re looking for. Normally, they’re looking for a relationship in which the dumpee knows his or her worth and won’t chase after a person who has abandoned him or her.
5)Regret and disappointment
The fifth stage of a rebound for the dumper is the regret and disappointment stage. This stage occurs when dumpers realize their new rebound relationship most likely isn’t going to work out. Dumpers basically see that the new relationship is unhealthy or imbalanced and that relationship dynamics likely won’t improve over time.
Depending on how much fight dumpers have left in them, they might keep fighting and resisting the inevitable for a while longer. Some dumpers do that because they still feel a bit attached to their new partner.
They want to make sure that the relationship they branched into really is hopeless and that they won’t regret abandoning it months or years later. While they’re reevaluating their love for the new person, some dumpers then secretly start looking for backup plans. They want to make sure they have a safe cushion to land on before they leave their new partner.
And they do that by contacting their dumpee and trying to establish a connection with him or her. If they establish a connection and/or they see that their ex is doing fine without them, that’s normally enough for them to pursue a relationship with the dumpee.
Dumpers know that a relationship with their dumpee will be better than a relationship with the new person. This is especially true if the new person is controlling, jealous, and manipulative because dumpers want to be in a better relationship, not in a relationship that drains their energy and makes them feel powerless.
The dumper in this stage will often reach out to other exes and see what those exes think and feel about them. By doing so, the dumper can find a person to branch to and immediately move on to the next person when his or her new relationship ends.
Monkey-branching allows the dumper to once again chase external happiness and ignore the need to reflect and improve.
6)Reconnection or abandonment
The dumper gets to the last stage of a rebound relationship when he or she sees that the new relationship isn’t making him or her happy. That’s when the dumper finally has a choice to make.
The dumper can:
- Abandon the rebound relationship and take some time to himself or herself.
- Abandon the rebound relationship and (as before), pursue a relationship with someone else.
- Or abandon the rebound relationship and try to get back with the ex-partner.
The more hurt the dumper is, the higher the chances that he or she will contact the person he or she recently left and give that relationship another chance.
If you’re a dumpee and your ex wants to come back after a rebound relationship, you should think twice before you give this person permission to enter your life again. You should make sure your ex has learned his or her lessons and done at least some internal work otherwise your ex could come back just to heal and leave once he or she has healed.
Always remember that your ex has left you once and that your ex could come back and leave again.
Did you enjoy reading the article about the 6 stages of a rebound relationship for the dumper? Are you currently in a rebound relationship or do you know someone who is? Comment below the article.
And if you want to talk about rebound relationship stages with us, sign up for coaching with us here.
Hi Zan,
My ex-boyfriend and I were together for 3 years. He broke up with me in April, when he monkey-branched to a girl he met through Twitter and apparently had started developing a relationship with back in February.
I had always believed that if our relationship were to end, he would struggle, given his difficulty in handling emotions and his limited social interactions. So he seems like the type to monkey-branch, avoiding managing feelings.
He told me that the initial excitement had faded in our relationship and the new girl had rekindled that feeling for him (which i think sounds a bit GIGS). In the beginning, he even mentioned that this new girl had some toxic and jealous traits, but he still pursued the relationship — a decision that a rational person might have avoided, rather than ignoring early red flags.
I know i should focus on my well-being, which i’m already doing, I’m learning a lot and striving to improve myself as a person, I’m also working towards forgiving him, but i still would love to understand all of this.
He has gradually and slowly over the course of months, severed every online connection to me. He began by deleting my friends and family, then removed us from mutual WhatsApp groups and unfriended mutual friends. Now, he has unexpectedly blocked me on Instagram (he had a private account, so I couldn’t even view his content before), Twitter, and even LinkedIn, where we don’t even share any posts. Why would he do this if I wasn’t even contacting him? And why now?
There was no reason to end things badly or hate on each other, apart from his emotional cheating. He was the one insisting on maintaining contact and being friends, an offer I declined. I don’t know what motivated him to act like this, because if he is happy in his relationship he shouldn’t care about me, considering I’ve completely withdrawn and respected their space. I reached out only a month after the breakup to discuss our parting (he left me in a very painful manner), and some weeks ago to retrieve forgotten belongings, I didn’t even text happy birthday last week to respect his space.
He has even distanced himself from his close friends to spend more time with his new girlfriend. Interestingly, his friends and family still care about me and are concerned about his unusual behavior (both his friends and i have heard negative opinions about his new girlfriend).
Although they have met each other’s families very quickly (the overall path of their relationship), he hasn’t introduced her to his friends yet. In the initial months, he constantly posted pictures and messages about the perfection of their bond, which was out of character for him as he rarely used social media. However, those posts seem to have decreased lately.
I hope you can provide some insight into his behavior—whether it’s normal, if it’s part of a natural phase in this process, and if it will remain this way permanently, or whether I should anticipate it worsening or improving over time.
Sorry for the long rant, thank you so much in advance
Hi Mar.
It’s possible that his new girlfriend is telling him to delete you and block you. Oftentimes, new partners get insecure and instruct their boyfriends to leave their exes in the past. Yes, you aren’t reaching out, but your being on his friends list might be triggering this person.
It may have taken him this long to delete you because he’d been refusing to do as she said. This is just my speculation. Another possibility is that it was his idea to delete you and that he chose to wait so as not to look like an impulsive cheater.
The guy seems to be rushing things. This may be because she’s giving him so much attention and bombarding him with love. When things slow down, he could see he caved into temptations and fell for the wrong girl.
Sincerely,
Zan
hi Zan!
my ex and i (23 years old) were together for around 3 years, and despite occasional arguments, i believe we had a healthy, loving and respectful relationship.
last year i went abroad for an Erasmus program (i returned in july), which made our relationship long-distance for some months. i suggested an open relationship (which now i regret) at the end of my stay abroad, not because i felt attraction to anybody, but because i was questioning my beliefs about relationships. we still continued in a traditional one, but this affected his self-esteem.
he started a demanding job that left us with less quality time together.
in february he he said he would try to be more open to my needs, and we attempted an open relationship. later he expressed doubts about our relationship but still wanted to fight for it, but after 2 months he dumped me, crying and begging to remain friends and keep in touch, with hopes of getting back together in the future.
some weeks later i discovered he had a new girlfriend (whom he had been seeing since January, but he had kept it hidden from me), he confessed that he wasn’t feeling excited for our relationship as he was at the beginning, and he started feeling those emotions towards her, (he said that he compared her with me and thought i was better, because the new girl is a bit jealous and toxic (wtf??), which he later denied having said), this betrayal led to a heated argument, and we cut off contact.
It’s been three months since the breakup, he never posted much on social media, not with me nor with his friends, but now he posts almost everyday pictures and texts about being in love and how pretty and perfect his girlfriend is.
i still maintain great relationships with his friends and family, who also find his behavior strange, and told me he spends all his time with her and seems to be getting tired of his job that he enjoyed so much.
I’ve learned from common friends of his girlfriend that she has an unstable personality, and she has a private twitter (that my ex doesn’t even know about) where she talks negatively and laughs about me.
now he acts as if i don’t exist and even seems to hate me.
is all of that real? is it a rebound? is he acting influenced by this girl? will their relationship succeed? i don’t think we’ll get back together, but i cherish the good memories of our time together and i hope we can have a mature conversation someday and establish a friendly relationship in the future.
thanks for reading!!!
Hi Mar.
You shouldn’t have suggested having an open relationship. When you give your partner the green light to do that, it’s only a matter of time before he finds someone else and develops feelings for that person. In your case, it made the guy doubt the relationship (or doubt it more) and leave you when he was certain he could monkey-branch.
His relationship isn’t a rebound as he’d lost feelings before leaving you. Whether it succeeds depends on their readiness and compatibility.
If his girlfriend mocks you and makes him take her side, he’s bound to hate you. It happens when someone you care about constantly points out your ex’s shortcomings.
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex broke up with me due to “losing the spark,” it’s been three months and she’s dating someone who’s complete opposite of me. During these three months, she has kept subtle contact. Liking Instagram posts and stories, etc. well, about a week ago, she reached out twice and the initial contact was a question about someone contacting me on a home repair, since my name is on her lease. Well, both conversations became her asking me: “where have you been”, “how are you” and even showing me her new dog.. my friends all say this is a prelude to her coming back and that her rebound relationship isn’t working out. What’s your opinion?
Hi Alex.
I think she’s checking up on you. This could be due to feelings of guilt or mild nostalgia. Your friends could also be right, but it’s not very likely. She wouldn’t be dating that guy if things were going that bad for them. Try not to cling to hope too much.
Sincerely,
Zan
This is really interesting and I came across this by accident but glad I did!
I need your thoughts on something please Zan,
10 months ago me (male dumpee) and my ex GF (dumper) broke up. Her decision not mine. We split after nearly 3 years because neither of us could relocate to the other because we have children and commitments where we both lived (which was about 90 minutes from each other but that was enough distance to cause issues when considering relocation)
Reluctantly I accepted the break up but didn’t agree with it or want it. She wanted to remain friends so stupidly I agreed to try.
For a week after the BU we talked and she seemed totally OK and happy where as I was a blubbering mess. I couldn’t understand why but then it became clear….
She admitted to me that she was already seeing someone new who she apparently found very quickly on a dating site. Literally just a few weeks after we ended she was with him. It hurt, i felt so worthless, like a failiure and that our relationship meant nothing to her so I immediately went into NC and have been ever since. Never stay friends with an ex!! I’ve learned that the hard way!
Now here’s my issue… I’ve been moving on by myself but very slowly. I am still feeling the pain and hurt left over from the break up but with strength I have kept out of her life and until a few days ago, I had no idea what she was doing, what she has planned or even if she’s still seeing that new person. But I found out through the grapevine that she’s put her house up for sale and it appears she’s moving in with him (which is what I strongly suspect but i could be wrong, she may be moving by herself with her children)
My question relates to your “6 stages of dumper rebound” – why do I feel like she’s fast forwarded her rebound relationship to the level we were at? She’s only been with him 9 months or so? Makes no sense to me! Is this common? It all seems very very quick.
We were serious and although we couldn’t make it work from a conventional relationship point of view, I feel that shes moved her new relationship along at super speed to match the levels we were at?? She always desperately wanted a conventional relationship where we all live together and play happy families but I couldn’t give her that because I’d lose my relationship with my children (who don’t live with me but I see 50% of the week)
I feel like she has sped up her relationship to the level we were at whilst also getting what she wants in terms of a “live in partner” who can help and support her
I wish her all the best in life and although it hurts to say that through gritted teeth, I do mean it. I will still stay in NC.
Hopefully that makes sense and you can reply with your thoughts on why it appears that she’s done that?
Lee
Hi Lee.
She’s rushing things with the new guy because she feels infatuated with him. He makes her feel good and stops her from seeing all the bad things. As time goes on, she’ll slowly start to see reality and slow down. They won’t necessarily break up, but they will see that they have things to work on. Couples should get to know each other and learn to compromise before they make big decisions such as moving in and getting married. I think they’re a bit too eager to be together. That’s why they’re going through the relationship stages so fast.
Stay in NC, Lee. Let them move fast if they want to. It doesn’t change anything for you. Watching them just makes you more curious and hungry for answers.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
My ex and I broke up a year ago from a 6 year relationship (I am the dumpee) but in that year my ex has come back to me multiple (at least 4-5) times to try to make it work saying that he had taken me for granted and that he truly loved me only to result in the push and pull stage till he ghosted me again. He had dated one girl in this time (actually twice as they broke up once and each time was only a month) that he said treated him very badly. Just a month and a half ago we went through the push and pull phase again (around 2 months of communication) where he reached out and told me he wanted to make it work and saw each other a few times, but it ended with him on a party bender (his partying was our biggest issue) that caused me to cut things off. It now seems that he is dating yet another girl that he seems to really like, it is possible this is another rebound? I know that I need to move on and I am working through the breakup and trying to detach but it is just so hard when someone continually tells you how much they love you only to push you away to pursue someone else.
Hi Karen.
He left so many times that he lost the understanding of what a commitment is. As a result, he left the moment he had a chance to. His new relationship isn’t a rebound because he’d have to still be in love with you.
Best regards,
Zan
Zan
Very interesting article
I have a question which is probably obvious to you, but does confuse me a little.
My ex GF broke up with me then a week later she told me she was “talking” to a new guy. She admitted it to me as we stupidly tried to stay friends after the break up (never doing that again!!)
My question is, as she was the dumper, is this new relationship classed as a rebound or is a rebound something only the dumpee would do?
I’ll never know if her new guy was “in the picture” before she ended it with me or he magically appeared after we broke up so that might make a difference to your answer?
I’m guessing if he was in the background before we broke up then it would appear that she lined him up and monkey branched?
It’s so confusing for me. Trying to work out if she simply rebounded after we ended or she was emotionally cheating on me then ended it once he was in place. I’ve never got an answer from her because I went into no contact once she told me she was seeing someone new.
Help!! What do you think?
Hi Lee.
Dumpees usually rebound due to unprocessed feelings and expectations. Dumpers can fail new relationships too, but that’s because they strongly condemn behavior that resembles their ex. It doesn’t change much if she found this guy while you were still together or after. A new relationship is a new relationship (whether it started because of monkey-branching or normally).
I think that when an ex finds someone new to date within a month that she’d met him while she was still with her ex. Some exes also reveal their new partner months after the breakup. This doesn’t mean they didn’t monkey-branch but that they just didn’t want to make it look like they did.
You seek some important questions, but those questions change nothing for you. Whether she cheated or not, she left the relationship and found someone new (showed no regret). You must do your best to stay away from them and get yourself back.
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex and I were together for 20 years – he met me 2 days after breaking up (again) with his on-off girlfriend of 2 years. I was 15, he was 16. We dated for 10 years, married for 10 years, 2 young kids.
He has health issues which caused a lot of problems for both of us. I know many of my contributions to our communication issues. We separated in Nov 2021, still living together until end of August 22. He even wanted to sleep with me during that time + I said yes because I loved him and thought it was a chance at reconciliation (I know better now).
Beg of Jan 23 I figure out he’s dating through out kids + he confirmed it. 2 weeks later he calls me to tell me it’s actually serious + he wants to introduce her to the kids. I see him almost daily because of the kids but have started to minimize that to mere moments. I think he started pursuing the divorce around the time they probably met.
I’m having a hard time accepting that this person, is not the person I once knew. This rebound feels SO FAST. I feel as though he probably started the dating apps and dating in Nov 22 when our separation was a year and legally we could divorce. Just mere months after living and sleeping together still. This whole process has been very amicable as our separation was me giving in to not wanting to live with that resentment and tension any more.
I’m stuck on how to let him go, or if he’s going to try and come back to me + what to do if that happens. I feel sick + have to deal with this fallout once my kids find out.
Hi Steph.
He would come back to you only if his relationship fails and hurts him. But then again, he could come back only for a little while until he finds someone else. I think you should start letting go of him by remembering that the person you knew had a dark side to him. He hid that side easily because he wanted to be with you. Now that he doesn’t want a relationship with you anymore, he’s showing you how he deals with people he no longer needs in his life. Try to stay away from him as much as you can and find a way to separate physically. In the meantime, there should be some house rules, such as no bringing other people inside.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Z, this article helped me try to frame my current situation. I’m curious for your input on what I’m going through:
met someone in another country through a mutual contact, and we spent two months talking over social media. we realized we really liked each other and since I would be in his corner of the world I booked a flight to see him. I stayed with him, and we spent almost two weeks together traveling around and getting to know one another. I met several of his immediate family members, and we got to know each other really quickly because during that time someone close to him died, and several other things popped up that really tested us. But we were resilient and at the end of the trip decided to stay in touch, to see each other again soon, and to not be committed in a relationship because it was too soon for that.
a month later I came back to visit him again, after we spent all month talking and getting closer. we were mutually so excited to see each other again, we were reading a book together, and had plans over the next six months mapped out to continue our journey towards one another, knowing that I would eventually move there to be with him if it worked out because i am planning to move to a new country anyway.
he had told me that he had never felt as seen by anyone in his entire life the way he felt seen by me, that no one – his family, friends, or exes ever understood him like I did. That every time we talked he felt so much better, and that he never wants to lose me no matter what happens- even if we don’t work out romantically.
cut to: We have now been in contact/involved for 5 months. I arrive for my second visit and he is acting weird. I ask him what is going on and it turns out he met a new person that week. they have some kind of mutual interest or hobby, and he kept referencing how our conversations are usually so intense and focus a lot on how he can improve himself in life. i pointed out that he starts all of those conversations, i just respond to him and support him. he agreed, but seemed to be worried if we are able to have fun together. we have certainly had a lot of fun together, so it was clear to me he was trying to justify his fears. on top of that, i realized he hadn’t prepared for my visit at all, he had dirty dishes, no food for me, and was clearly not being intentional about my being there. we had a calm talk that night, I asked to sleep alone, and in the morning I told him I was going to move to a hotel until he got more clear on his intentions with me. The next day, we met for lunch and he told me his feelings for this new person that he had known one week were “overwhelming” and that he could not continue romantically with me anymore. I told him I dont want to see him again, that I could not continue to know him after this, and that it would be the last time we ever see one another. we had already had many talks about how he dishonored me by allowing me to come after meeting her, how I deserve better and he agreed and apologised on all things. He paid for all my expenses and my return ticket (this whole ordeal probably cost him about $3k). I told him I was heartbroken (a simple text on ways to the airport), and he said he hopes I can forgive him some day. The next morning I got a text from him that he hoped I made it home okay, and hoped I would be okay. That he felt terrible for how he handled everything. I didn’t reply. i am for sure no contact, i have no desire to reach out to him at all.
He keeps watching my instagram stories (does that mean anything??? Everyone has mixed opinions on that) and I am sitting here wondering if he will realize his mistake or not…. What’s your take?
Hi Christie.
I’m sorry to hear you got cheated on. This person was infatuated with you at first, but the moment you went home, he began to detach and lose interest. This happened due to a poor relationship mentality and the belief that he had better chemistry with the new person.
All I can say is that you definitely deserve better. You deserve someone who will value you long-distance and in person. Distance shouldn’t be a problem for a guy who sees your worth and is ready for a serious commitment.
Sadly, his checking Instagram stories doesn’t mean anything. He’s just curious about you and feels bad for betraying you.
Go no contact and stay in it until you’ve healed. Right now, he’s focusing on the new girl and will do everything in his power to stay attracted to her.
Kind regards,
Zan
Z- update for you:
About two months of no contact, after I posted my initial comment here, he responded to one of my instagram stories. I decided to respond and he quickly jumped in to tell me that he’d come to realize he sabotages his relationships because of a fear of losing his autonomy. He said he’s living a much more intentional life now and he’s much happier because if it. So I asked him what his intention was for telling me that, and he didn’t have a very straight forward answer. But he continued to talk to me. Eventually I told him that I deserve clarity and intention, and to let me know if he had that for me. His response was to thank me for sharing my thoughts and feelings- he tried again to explain why he was messaging me but it wasn’t a complete explanation. Which showed me that while he thinks he’s very intentional now, he actually still has a lot of work to do. Three weeks later he cut his long hair off and went on a solo trip he’d once told me he needed to do before he could ever settle down. He’s clearly been thrown into a big life transformation ever since he met me and certainly ever since he left me. I’ve forced myself to stop watching his instagram stories. But I still can’t stop thinking about him, hoping he will one day actually grow to my level of self awareness and intention. Things really were perfect otherwise 🙁
Hi Christie.
Thanks for the update. Your ex has a fear of commitment. He thinks that by investing in you, he’ll lose his power and control. This probably has something to do with his relationships. If not relationships, then his upbringing. He probably messaged you out of guilt and curiosity and had no intention of reconciling.
He hasn’t grown yet, Christie, so stay away from him!
Best,
Zan
Hi, my ex-girlfriend left me at the end of November 2022 and got into a relationship with another guy. They actually got engaged on Christmas Day. She proposed to him, although she said they both had the same idea. I’m not crazy in thinking is just a rebound relationship, right? I still love her and I want her back more than anything.
Hi Nathaniel.
They got engaged rather quickly, so it all seems a bit rushed to me. But since she was the one who left the relationship, she’s probably not in a rebound relationship with the new guy.
Best regards,
Zan
Hey, would appreciate your insight. My ex broke up with me in July. We were together 8 years and engaged for 3. Due to owning a house together and a tough rental market, we continued to live together for 3 months after the breakup (which caused a lot more nasty things to be said).
My ex got into a relationship basically straight away, but didn’t tell me. A week after I moved out she started staying over regularly (neighbours told me). While my ex was away, I was at our old house getting things (he knew this). I found his journals and his entries clearly show he’s in love with her one day, but saying he won’t put up with her childish ways the next.
I saw him randomly yesterday where he said that she’s staying at the house because of an insect problem at her apartment and that he would never go out with someone like that (ie completely lied to me).
I know it’s crazy, but I would still like to leave that option open to try again with him. But I also hate him thinking I believe that stupid story. Plus – we will need to sell the house and still talk to each other to sort that out.
How do I approach this? I want to stand up for myself but also don’t know if that will just make him think I’m psycho.
Hi Katie.
It’s possible your ex cheated on you and left you for her. The timing seems off to me. Only you know your true worth, so there’s no need to stand up for yourself and confront him about anything. Let this guy go and try to figure out what to do with the house. He’ll return if he gets hurt and sees life was easier with you.
Best,
Zan
Thanks Zan.
I suspect he was emotionally cheating without realising it himself, and she was orbiting for a while.
I’ve just found out my friend has sent him an aggressive email pointing out how I’m a good person – I didn’t ask her to do this!! I’m guessing this will just strengthen him and the new girls relationship?
I know he won’t do anything about the house and I’ll have to be the one to push. But breaking that reason to communicate is my last connection to him and I’m scared/sad to do it.
Hi Katie.
Your friend probably shouldn’t have messaged him. Not because it strengthened their relationship but because it bothered him and made him find you responsible. I know it’s scary, but you have to do what’s best for you. And the best thing to do is to sever ties with him and allow yourself to heal.
You can do this, Katie. You’re stronger than you think!
Zan
Hello Zan,
Is it possible that the dumper is in reality the dumpee if the partner would not commit?
We were together for 3.5 years, she was head over heels in love and has an anxious attachtment style. Due to Covid, we were in a LDR for 2 years. She had massiv issued with the distance and since I do not feel the necessity to get legally married she felt quite upset about it.
Fast forward 6 months ago, we met up for 2 months, we were still passionate, with more fights about some issues.
3 day after she flew back home she broke up with me. She was relieved and quite upset at the same time. I tried to make it work for 1-2 weeks went NC.
Apartently she went in a depression and a new guy helped her. The started seeing each other a month after the BU and she moved in with him a few weeks later.
I flew to her country last month. We met up a few times. We talked things through we said that we loved each other and kissed passionately. The next day she flew on holidays with him and 2 weeks later we met up for more time. She was totally different and quite standoff is. We texted a few more times, she told me it ks to late for us and I went back into NC.
A lot of the rushing signs look so much like a rebound. Based on her statement he is the total opposite of me and if we zoom out she is getting exactly the partd that she was missing physically closeness and a guy that is head over heels into her.
Hi Jack.
It’s probably not a rebound because rebounders struggle to connect emotionally. What they have is a normal relationship. The girl wants to give the guy a chance, so she pushed you away. I strongly suggest that you cut all ties with her and try to see that what she did was disrespectful to you and the new guy. She may be depressed (or unhappy with things), but she’s being selfish.
Hang in there,
Zan
Hi Zan I need some insight.
My ex and I dated for 2.5 years. It was a long distance relationship and even though we had a hard time figuring out how to work through it at first (even in the middle of the pandemic) we successfully managed to create a beautiful bond. Everything was fine, he was a great loving and caring person. He often told me I was the love of his life and that he wanted to marry me someday and even wanted to start a family. We planned our future together and since I wanted to pursue a degree in my field (even before meeting him) we thought it’d be a great idea to move out together and all. Fast forward to May of this year he broke up with me with the same old excuses dumpers use (I need to work on myself, I’m not in a good place mentally rn, etc etc) but he did mentioned he wanted to stay in contact and that I will forever be a part of him. After the breakup he went back home, I started no contact almost immediately but he kept texting me and even said he still loved me on my birthday. It’s been almost two months of no contact at all and I found out yesterday he is dating another girl but here’s the thing; I only found out after I impulsively stalked his mom on Facebook, why? Because even if he still follows me everywhere I suspected he hid his Instagram stories from me and my friends. He still has our pictures together on his social media and that picture on his moms Facebook is the only piece of evidence I have that he is seeing this other girl. Why is he still following me even though he is clearly seeing someone else? Also, I’m moving out next week to the same city as him since I started my enrollment process before we broke up and he knew that I would go for it even if we were not together anymore.
Hi Yohana.
He fell out of love (probably after falling in love with another girl). You need to stay away from him and unfollow him so you don’t see what he posts. He hasn’t deleted you and the pictures of you because he doesn’t want to remove everything right away. He wants to wait for the right moment.
Next time he texts you, tell him to stop reaching out. Your priority should be to understand why he left and heal.
Kind regards,
Zan
I did not value her, then she fell in love with someone else, but sends me mixed signals. Is there a chance i can get her back in the future ? Might she be in a rebound ?
My story:
I live in Spain and she in Italy
We dated for 5 months
I broke up with her
We kept seeing each other for one and a half years. She begged crying to have a relationship. I said no.
I slept with other girls and she knew it, but i was an idiot and always told her we did not have a relationship
One and a half years she met a new guy. She let me know. She told me she was frustrated because she was not able to enjoy the guy’s company because she desired it was me the person who kissed her, slept with her and made her company
She slept 4 times with the guy and I treated her really bad for that
She went to our country of origin (we are from latin America) and being there she told me i was the person she loved and the only one she wanted
After that month in our country she went back to Italy and told me she had sent the guy to friend zone because it was exhausting to talk to him because he was so intense and jealous and they did not have a relationship
Then she came to see me ( i guess expecting for me to change my mind) i did not say anything
2 weeks later i found out she is going to se the other guy. We fought and she slept with him. We spent a week fighting.
In that process she decided that she is going to date to that other guy and they will probably have a relationship
I asked her to give me the chance to do things the right way but she said no, that it was unfair and that she wanted to live her life and this stage of her life just as i did.
Even she decided to start dating the other guy (and told me she had now strong feelings for him) and rejected my request, she kept saying things like “You are the half of my heart” “No one understand each other as we do (she and me)” “i see my future with you” “It hurts to take a plain and to know it’s not to Spain (where i live)” “i feel life will one day bring us back together”
After a month that everything started once she video called me and when we said bye in the video call she sent me kisses and asked me to sent her a kiss
She told me that she still has feelings for me and that feels it was a stage and that in the the future we will have another try together and asked me to trust in “what we feel”
Soo… why if she decided to give herself a chance with another person and i treated her so bad, she still says this kind of romantic/confusing things to me ?
I deeply regret the way i treated her and would like to have a second chance.
As we were not boyfriend and girlfriend because i did not give it to her, can we say she monke-branched ? might she be in a rebound relationship ? Is it a way of overlapping ?
Hi Pepito.
She was in a rebound relationship initially. But then she detached from you and opened his heart to his new boyfriend. It took a while, but she realized that she can start fresh with him and abandon all the problems between you two. Don’t listen to the things she says, but the things she does. And what she’s doing clearly shows that she’ll give the guy a try. If she thinks he’s too jealous and other things, she could come back to you when the relationship fails. You mustn’t pressure her anymore. You’ve already let her know what you want, so go no contact and let her return on her own. And make sure to work on yourself. You have a lot of work to do.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi
Today i learnt there wont be any future chance of getting her back. She now talks to me as an extrangger. She is creating an emotional connection with her New partner and she lost any attraction toward me.
Just as you said. She dettached from me. She feels nothing and even if shee feels something, of course what she feels for her new partner is way strongger.
It’s hard. It’s really hard to accept because she used to say “i love you” a lot. But you David it, actions vs words
Thanks for your reply
Hi Pepito.
She’s treating you like a stranger because she lost feelings and became interested in someone else. This is not your fault, so don’t compare yourself to the new person! She’s just listening to her instincts. Get her “I love yous” out of your head by reminding yourself that they’re a thing of the past.
Hang in there, Pepito!
Zan
I was in an unhealthy relationship for 3 years. We both screwed up. We fell in love somewhere in between, but we knew it wouldn’t work. I started dating another girl to move into a healthy relationship and realized how much I loved my ex. so, i ended the relationship. To get back at me she started dating a guy. I fought for her when I realized how much she meant to me but she chose another guy. She said it’s late and she wants a life forward. we never fought in our life but we ended our friendship in a big fight. I messaged her after a week and apologized for calling her names and all as I was upset. I returned her things. She apologized for everything too. it’s been a month since I have messaged or called her. I deleted her contact and removed her from social media. I intend to go indefinite no contact and wish not to have her back. There are days it hits you badly. Of all the things, I miss our friendship the most.
Hi jackdsailor.
Your ex is dating someone else already and wants to give him a try. You mustn’t interfere with their relationship now that she chose him. If you do, you could see an ugly side of her. It’s too soon for friendship at this moment. You need to focus on healing and think about whether you want to be friends only after you’ve lost feelings for her.
Stay strong,
Zan
Hi,
Thanks for the reply. I am not going to be part of her life in any way. It was her decision to leave me. She left me when I was at my lowest in life. I don’t want someone who left me at my lowest. I have already blocked her on social media. deleted all our memories of 3 years. I have removed her from my contacts. the first two weeks were difficult, but I am hopeful I can live a good life without her.
i have no regrets, and I really want her to be happy but I just don’t want her back. I don’t want a rebound relationship too.
“You need to focus on healing and think about whether you want to be friends only after you’ve lost feelings for her.” Any articles on this…?
again thanks for the reply!
Hi jackdsailor.
Your ex showed you what she’s capable of. You need to focus on that so that you can let go of her as quickly as you can. Spend a lot of time around other people. They should support you during this difficult time.
All articles are about healing. Read those that are about processing the breakup.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi,
Thanks for the above reply….
She called me today after a month of zero contact… she asked about my family and I gave her lukewarm response saying all good at my end. She said she was watching a movie and thought about me… I said cool…she said she never expected me to answer her call… then I ended the call by saying hope all good at her end. She said all good and said hope to see you soon.
What’s she upto ? Did she broke up and thinking me as a back up plan so saying all this emotional stuff…. I will never forgive her for leaving me at my lowest. Should I meet her in person and tell her to move on… it was her decision to leave me and move on…I really wished she had not called me.. I was finally forgetting about everything and living my life again!
Hi Jackson.
You don’t have to meet her in person. In fact, you shouldn’t at all because you’re not ready. She’s just breadcrumbing you and needs to stay away from you so you can heal. You weren’t able to prevent her from messing with your brain this time, but you can next time if you ask her not to contact you again.
Sincerely,
Zan
She called me after a year…. in between she was stalking me through an app as I have blocked her from all accounts(That app has limitations on blocking someone)
She was continuously calling me from her grandmother’s phone… I picked up the call after dozens of calls, I told her I was busy. She said she wanted to talk for 5 mins.
She then told me her bf cheated on her and that was not acceptable. I felt like giving her left right and centre for having the audacity to call me. I however kept my calm and said it was not fair enough on my part to comment or say anything. I told her to take her sister’s or friends advise but I have nothing to advise or contribute. I told her bye and take care in a polite way and blocked her grandmother phone too.
For all heartbroken guys/girls…. If your intentions were right and someone broke your heart in a relationship, go no-contact and fix your life. Karma will serve those who treated you like shit.
In my personal life, I made a hell lot of progress in my career and personal life.
Thank you, Zan for the articles. Once upon a time, your articles were all I had in my healing cycle.
NO-CONTACT WORKS!!
Hi Jackson.
No contact always works when it comes to you. You managed to heal properly and realize your ex wasn’t needed in your life. Coincidentally, your ex got cheated on (hit by karma) and discerned she’d made a mistake. That was why she wanted your time and affection so badly.
She had no right to rely on you after leaving you. She made a decision to take her of her own problems. If the guy hurt her, that’s between her and him.
I’m happy for you, Jackson. You isolated your ex, healed, and also got to see that you weren’t the problem.
Best regards,
Zan
Well Zan, after through it myself into the belief that my ex husband was in denial of having depression and his mental health is what caused him to fall out of love with me and leave……I finally got my closure tonight. I discovered he’s off on holiday for a week (not to sort his head as he told family) but with his new much younger partner who he claims he has only seen a few times since we seperated in March (he booked the holiday end of April) blindsided right enough! What an absolute fool I have been. So glad I had already started to detach and let go. Still hurts and will for a long time. But his loss. I’m only grateful for the 4 amazing boys I got out of him
Hi Jen.
It indeed is his fault, and I’m glad you’ve realized it. This young woman clearly occupies his mind a lot and makes him feel good right now. But that’s because things are new. When they get to know each other, they’re going to encounter their first issues and realize that things aren’t as great as they seemed at first. I know it hurts to be replaced (especially by a younger woman), but don’t compare yourself to her, Jen. Looks fade and mean nothing in a romantic relationship. The most important thing is how they get along.
Spend more time with your boys and don’t check up on your ex online. You got your closure, so the guy is dead to you for now.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Can you write an article on physical abuse? I was slapped lightly by my boyfriend and I don’t know whether my relationship is worth saving since the 1) slap was very light 2) it was the first time 3) I was annoying him. Thanks!
Hi Cherie.
Normally, a person who slaps you once will slap you again. That’s the way people are. If you did something awful, you should obviously not do it ever again. You both have some reflecting and growing to do, Cherie.
I’ll write an article on physical abuse soon. Thanks for the suggestion!
Best regards,
Zan
Hope you write it soon! Having trouble coming to terms on how to move forward, especially in light of recent news, I found out his parents didn’t think it was a big deal
I’ll try to write it next week, Cherie.
I hope things are a bit better now!
Zan
Soooooo similar to my situation and I am VERY curious as well on ANYTHING that may have happened with you 2 or UNFORTUNATELY 3? Keep us posted PLEASE ❤
Long distance relationship. Definite rebound – possible mental health crisis.
I’m a 27 year old white male. My dumper is a 26 year old Asian female. Her rebound is a 61 year old white male.
I’ve known her since 13 years old. On paper, the most perfect couple on the planet. We share literally everything in common, both artists, both musically gifted, both love music (it’s how we first met online), both love cats, exploring, craft beer, collecting records to name a few things. She’s travelled over to see me in the UK many times, and in 2018 I travelled to Toronto, Canada for the first time (because I was planning to emigrate there eventually).
She’s never been financially able to sponsor me, so we’ve been long distance for the last 6 years (we met in person in 2015).
The first time we met, we ended up sat on the kerbside at airport just staring at each other for 4 hours. It was the most intense love imaginable. What we had was deep, deep love built on friendship, communication, trust and commitment – and we knew we’d never leave each other because there’s no point – we’d never find other people more compatible. We planned our whole lives together, even had names for our children.
However, on Valentine’s day of this year – she left me for a 61 year old man at her work who’d been love-bombing her with the creepiest comments imaginable – “you remind me of my dead wife”, “can I take a photograph of your face because I have leukemia and seeing your face is the only thing that will get me through my hospital appointment”, “I haven’t been with a woman in 7 years – you’re special” and “can I take photos of you when we have sex – I won’t include your face or anything”. He also bought her some expensive tools for her work (woodworker on a filmset).
He was going around at work every day saying “morning beautiful morning gorgeous” etc, and that’s when she told me she thought a guy at work was hitting on her. The reason I know all the things he said and did in advancing on her is because she was still with me, and she was keeping me informed. In response to some of his comments, I was like “woah, that’s creepy and red-flag” and she even agreed. We laughed. I never saw the danger, because I never thought the love of my life would leave me for an old man who was behaving in such a way.
Now, she’s 26 – but she’s Asian, doesn’t wear make-up – has bright pink hair, wears band t-shirts and doc martins – she looks like a teenage art student to be honest – and I don’t know how a respectable 61 year old man would even dare advance on a girl like that – but he did, and she’s an adult – so nothing can be done about that.
He also said “I’d lick your a******* but I may need mouthwash afterwards” – which is a not a compliment to any woman, and he certainly wouldn’t dare say it to a woman his own age – so ultimately I’m really worried about my ex going with somebody of that age who says things like that, but that’s her decision.
She says she likes him because he makes her feel “free”, she loves his perspective on life because he nearly died, he just SOMEHOW understands her wants and needs (very caring, gentle around her), he doesn’t criticise her and make her feel flawed (he doesn’t argue with her), he absolutely adores her, he treats her well, he’s so caring and he’s strong because he was abused as a child, bullied all his life for being dyslexic, his wife died, hospitalised after nearly taking his own life – and he survived leukemia. She herself is a very caring person naturally, and his sympathy card was used heavily during his love-bombing of her. She was visibly depressed, alone and vulnerable and I know as a fact he played on that.
I mean, if this man has seriously gone through all this trauma in his life – and nobody stuck around – and he’s seeking the companionship of a 26 year old – he’s clearly got issues, and at 26 and with severe issues of her own – she is not equipped to deal with his – she should be nowhere near any relationship right now – she needs to go to therapy to work on herself independent of me OR him.
Anyway, she said she’d been feeling miserable all year and I was just being too needy sexually and weighing her down with all my issues. She never communicated to me how she felt, and being through text – I couldn’t read her. I think she was depressed because of Covid and having no social life, and I failed to recognise that. Rather than being the one to support her – I did the complete opposite and was mainly thinking about myself – and she enabled me the best she could – which made it impossible for me to know there was something wrong.
Unfortunately for me, she was feeling unappreciated, depressed and lacking in self-confidence – and this guy was in the right place at the right time. He’s also the only man to ever pursue her over there in person, and she’s latched on to him. As I’ve said, she’s not seen friends all year due to Covid, she’s not been able to go to gigs or events – nothing, and this old guy has his own place she can go to. Everything just fell into place for this relationship to happen.
After knowing her for so long, and sticking by me throughout all my mistakes – she never bothered to let me know the relationship was in jeopardy – never mentioned she was now financially able to sponsor me when she got her new job working on a filmset – never gave me an ultimatum to get my ass into gear to finally come together and make my emigration happen. Nothing. She just, let me kill the relationship and essentially gave up? It’s really confused me because I know how much this girl adored me and was desperate for me to be over there with her for so long.
Since the breakup, she’s suddenly started throwing things at me dating back years – she’s literally kept everything inside for all this time and only now am I learning how things I did affected her and made her feel. This is not healthy at all, because I was never able to learn from mistakes and improve as a partner – she made me habitually worse by not communicating her feelings.
Only now am I realising that she was insecure, she felt she wasn’t good enough for me, she was scared of saying anything and losing me – scared that I’d find other girls etc. I only argued with her 4 times in person, and to me – arguments happen in all relationships and they’re a good way to resolve issues. She now says every time I argued with her she felt criticised and flawed. Basically, this girl is severely fragile and unstable – and I had absolutely no idea. Things that to me or other people – like an argument – that seem normal – were huge for her.
She says “if we were really perfect, you wouldn’t have got annoyed with me or argued – perfect couples don’t argue”. Everybody in my support network right now insists all couples argue, and actually – it can be very healthy – and that I should allow her to make me feel like a monster.
Essentially, because we were perfect on paper – we idealised our relationship and were too young to realise we both had conflicting emotional issues that collaterally hurt us and made us worse as people.
This 61 year old man can see she’s unstable and suffering with issues, yet *played her for sex initially and then welcomed her into a relationship with him when she clung on – and that’s not cool at all.
He’d been going round saying “I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU” which is just far too much and intense even if he was 26 – but a 61 – it’s just creepy, yet when she replied with “I’m not looking for anything serious” – he responded with “Hey, I’ll take whatever I can get”.
It’s disgusting. His heart is not true. He loves the idea of her, not her. Totally contradicted himself. That’s why he was asking to take photographs of her to keep when she stayed at his on Valentine’s weekend – he thought it was a hookup so he was trying to take as much from the situation as possible – he can’t believe a relationship has come of it himself!
When she got with him, she was so excited. She was telling me how amazing he was – how generous he was in the bedroom, how he’s a demolitions expert on film sets – how attractive he is etc – she talked about him like he was the best person ever – yet at 61, never been married – not been with a woman for 7 years – it just didn’t quite corroborate?
Anyway, because she’s finally communicated how she felt all this time, how things I did affected her – I now realise why it went wrong – and how these issues can actually be easily resolved – in fact, had we not gone through this breakup – we wouldn’t have lasted even had I moved there, because her issues would have remained dormant. To me, this is the wakeup call that has fixed our relationship – but I simply can’t get her back from him because she doesn’t want to go back into a relationship with me and feel restricted. I also think she lost a lot of trust for me.
She has done nothing but blame me since the breakup, it’s all been about everything I ever did wrong. At no point has she taken any responsibility herself for not communicating with me, not supporting me in the way I needed to help me become a better partner – nothing. There’s two people in a relationship, yet apparently it was all me. She’s treated me like s***. She’s said some horrific, traumatising things – comparing me to him sexually, completely emasculating me – but then also she’s used me to vent on many times since the breakup and completely played with my emotions by communicating with me intensely, and then ghosting me. It’s been cyclical. A constant emotional rollercoaster.
Yet, saying a relationship with a young male was dysfunctional – and jumping to a 61 year old man because it’s “harmonious” – surely there has to come a point where she realises that she’s the one with the issues she needs to work on. I mean, if she got with a guy her own age after him – it would fail like it did with me, because no young male would be able to empathise with her needs when she doesn’t communicate. An experienced 61 year old man is naturally going to be caring, giving and attentive – because he tried his luck and struck gold – he has a young looking 26 year old girl and he’s going to do his absolute best to keep her. She was my only experience of a relationship, and I needed guidance from her to grow and improve.
She was nothing but kind to me – too kind, in fact – she said that “by showing [me] kindness she hoped [I’d] come good”. It was toxic. She enabled me to be a lazy, inconsiderate partner who took her for granted. She never communicated to me when I was doing wrong, I never learned from mistakes – and ultimately she ruined the best thing that ever happened to her – because I have the prerequisites to be everything she needed – she just did not bring the best out of me.
The other problem is, he’s there – in person, and I’m all the way over here – she knows she doesn’t have to give him up, and also – why would she give him up to come back to an online relationship with me when there’s a risk we can’t come together and realise the dream of us being together in person?
Anyway, I didn’t do the no contact rule initially as I was so worried about her – so I stuck around as a friend.
Within a week of leaving me, she said she was committed to him. Within a month, she was referring to him as her partner. It was then that they were both fired from their job for misconduct – but he took her with him to a new filmset over in Mississauga. Colleagues do not know, her family know she’s seeing somebody but not his age, she’s not communicating with friends – she’s really isolated – and due to Covid he’s her only social activity. She’s also suddenly claiming she’s spending time away from screens and online because he doesn’t use social media and he’s telling her that she should live in the real world and appreciate life because each day is a gift to him since he nearly died etc. Friends don’t hear from her at all any more.
It took 5 years of communication as friends for our love to blossom, but with him she went incredibly deep – incredibly fast – and she’s now seeing him at work every day and then spending weekends with him. Meanwhile, during the week she sleeps at home in her childhood bedroom with all her cat teddies and surrounded by all the things I bought for her over the years. It’s very weird. I mean, her father is 60 himself, and the thought of his childishly innocent 26 year old Chinese daughter with a 61 year old white man would not go down well.
She’s such an honest, loyal person yet her behaviour right now is so deceptive – even to her “partner” -as she’s still in communication with me behind his back. It’s totally not like her, yet she’s acting as if everything is good and she says she’s happy.
Anyway, I tried a month with no contact so I could focus on myself, but I came back with revelations and declarations of love. Nothing had changed. I kept trying, but still nothing. The thing is, no contact wouldn’t work, because she thinks the issues we had can’t be overcome – so I have to communicate to her that I understand why it went wrong, what her wants and needs are – and ultimately stress that the distance doesn’t have to be an issue – that we could work together to deal with the immigration. But, she doesn’t want to be with me still.
Right now, we’re talking as friends. Some nights the conversation flows back and forth – because we have so much to talk about, we share so much – we have so much in common – so much history – but then the next day she will ghost me. It’s a real emotional rollercoaster for me. Sometimes I feel she avoids me because talking to me gets her emotional, and she doesn’t want to fall for me again because she thinks she’ll get hurt by me – other times I feel she avoids me because she thinks I’m purposely trying to emotionally manipulate her by talking about our memories or subjects we have in common – yet she herself said she wanted to be friends so we could talk about the subjects we share. It’s baffling.
I personally don’t think she should be in a relationship with me OR him right now, I think she needs to go to therapy to work on her issues.
Ultimately, the fact he’s 61 – and a rebound gives me great hope – because there’s absolutely no future or commitment there – and I think she clearly just doesn’t want to be alone – yet also doesn’t want to be in a long-term relationship right now after ending it with me.
There’s also the fact we have 13 years of history, everything in common, we were already so deep in love – and I think in her heart she knows there’s nobody else for her – her own age – who she could relate to – like me.
Simultaneously, because I’m here – and she’s there – every day is torture for me. I never felt the distance this whole time, but now she’s no longer committed to me – and she no longer comes online to text me – I’m just somebody she’ll text if she’s already around and bored – it’s just sporadic messages here and there – I feel like she’s getting on with her life and I’m over here absolutely helpless.
She herself said to me recently that “in essence the distance fucked us over” – and I’m just wanting to scream at her to say that distance can be overcome, we’re both financially able to close the gap finally. But, it works MASSIVELY against me. I mean, I know she still has strong feelings for me – but with him – and by avoiding interaction with me often – she’s clearly trying to fight them.
It just doesn’t make sense that she could happily throw a future with me away for a 61 year old man, but at the same time – she knows she hasn’t lost me – because she knows how much I still love her – and that I’m still here – hanging around waiting for her messages.
Nothing has changed for her, but for me – not only have I lost the love of my life – I’ve also lost the life I thought I was going to have with her in Canada.
She has shown no empathy, no consideration for what I’m going through – she’s basically been acting like a sociopath.
I’ve been told that I need to show her my love by falling back and letting her learn from her own mistakes, but I can’t bare to not be in contact with her because I worry so much. I’m in hell!
I’m reallyyy curious how this has ended up or changed in the last few months. Have you got an update? Are you feeling better? Has she left that old creep?