When your ex wants you back, you should never take your ex back on the spot.
If you do, your ex could quickly lose interest in you again and leave the moment your ex recovers from whatever is making him or her feel miserable.
So to avoid another loss of attraction and the breakup that ensues from it, you need to keep in mind that exes always come back for themselves.
They come running back for validation, security, support, and various relationship benefits that only you can provide.
This is why you need to think long and hard before you take your ex back.
Think about the motives behind your ex’s words and try to understand why your ex wants you back all of a sudden.
Put your detective fedora on and puzzle out what went wrong in your ex’s life that made your ex realize your ability to make him or her happy.
Could it be that your ex started dating someone else or perhaps multiple people and they all disappointed your ex?
If this is the case, it’s possible that your ex hasn’t realized your true potential and the value that you bring to the table just yet.
Your ex could instead be looking for a quick solution to mend his or her wounded heart and confuse his or her desperation for love and attraction.
So don’t be afraid to wait a while before you accept your ex back.
As a dumpee who’d been to hell and back, you need to protect your health and keep your ex at a distance for a little while.
You need to do this out of self-protection—even if it’s been months or years since you’ve heard from your ex.
Your ex probably dated quite a few men or women before your ex came crawling back in your life.
That’s why you now need to ruminate for a while so that you can determine whether your ex can appreciate you for the person you are and not for the people his or her exes weren’t.
Today, we’re going to talk about the things you need to be careful about when your ex wants you back.
When your ex wants you back
You should never let your ex nonchalantly come back to you and pretend that everything’s back to normal.
Although you may think that your ex is back to his or her regular self, the dynamics of the new relationship with your ex will be far from normal.
The dynamics will remain “messed up”—exactly the same that your ex had left them weeks or months ago.
So don’t think that they will magically fix themselves on their own when your ex unifies with you.
Your ex could, of course, fix them if he or she really wanted to, but the odds of your ex drastically improving his or her thinking patterns during no contact aren’t very high.
Not unless your ex has a strong incentive to self-improve.
Your ex has to want to improve
It’s necessary for you to understand that leaving a person breaks the very basis on which a romantic relationship operates.
We’re talking about attraction, respect, love, and commitment.
When such important elements in a loving relationship become impaired, fixing them takes a lot of time.
But in all honesty, time on its own doesn’t fix them. Commitment and a healthy relationship mentality does.
That’s why your ex coming back to you is merely the first step to a successful reconciliation.
The real challenge begins when your ex comes back and you have to deal with broken trust, uncertainty, as well as other complications that “normal” healthy relationships face.
So if you’re still interested in reconciliation, here are a few possible reasons why your ex wants you back all of a sudden.
Staying with an ex is challenging
If you’re thinking of taking your ex back, be prepared to come across a lot of internal difficulties—as well as external ones that you will probably have little to no control over.
Provided you believe in your own capacity to forgive your ex’s breach of trust, you can only hope that your ex wants the relationship as much as you do.
The truth is that your ex mustn’t just want the relationship. He or she must want it as badly as you and be prepared to give it his or her best to make the new relationship work.
So when your ex wants you back, riddling out your ex’s levels of commitment should be your first priority.
By figuring out how much your ex wants you back, you’ll be able to make a coherent decision about whether you should get back with your ex.
Here’s a scale displaying your ex’s interest level in you.
Using this simple self-evaluation scale can help you determine whether your ex wants you back, needs you back, or wants you to fill his or her void.
Although your ex crying and begging for a second chance seems like it shows the most interest, it’s not the ideal behavior you want from your ex.
Your ex crying and begging hysterically could mean that something went badly wrong on your ex’s side and that your ex now wants you back due to his or her failure and not for the person that you are.
That’s why behavior number 4 on the scale is the most reliable and trustworthy you can receive from an ex.
It shows that your ex is serious about you and that he or she wants you for you.
So if you respect yourself and don’t wish to go through another breakup, you must:
- Become the best version of yourself and fix your shortcomings.
- Take charge of the reconciliation process and show your ex that you won’t tolerate another rejection. You need to do this even if you messed up. Your ex’s attraction toward you depends on how strong you appear.
What to do when your ex wants you back?
Even though every situation is different, the universal law to make your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend stay with you after you’ve reconciled is to remain your ex’s best option.
This means you must stay confident, strong, respectful, kind, generous, and better than ever before or your ex could quickly give up on you again.
Your ex had done it before so the second or third time is much, much easier.
That’s why you must now work extra hard to swallow your pride and let go of any resentment you may still feel toward your ex.
By doing so, you’ll be able to find a good balance between giving and receiving love—and as a result, rationally know what to say and do to keep your partner attracted to you.
Keep a healthy balance!
As a dumpee, you must remain extra careful not to overinvest in your ex or you could smother your ex and push him or her away.
You can quickly become very clingy and insecure when you start receiving your ex’s love again, so pay close attention to your demands and expectations.
Chances are your ex won’t feel compelled to invest in you if you overinvest in your ex.
Your ex will feel that he or she can’t reciprocate your love with your intensity and abandon you again.
So try to give as much as you receive and receive what you give.
On the other hand, it’s also very important that you don’t neglect your ex’s needs and take your ex’s significance and self-esteem away.
You must instead do your best to stay self-aware and give your ex what you previously didn’t or couldn’t.
Here’s what you should do out of precaution when your ex wants you back.
What to say when your ex wants you back?
If you somehow still don’t know what your ex previously needed or didn’t need from you to be emotionally content, you probably hadn’t done your job during no contact.
Your focus was likely on getting your ex back so much that you missed the main point of no contact.
In such a case, communication with your ex should help you understand where you went wrong and how you can improve your mistakes.
I strongly suggest that you start improving your shortcomings the very second your ex comes back to you.
Don’t be afraid to ask for some constructive criticism so that you can work on bettering yourself.
Your ex might at first appear reluctant to talk to you about your flaws directly, but try to convince your ex that it’s for the sake of the relationship.
Tell your ex that your new relationship will benefit greatly from open communication and that you genuinely want to contribute to your ex’s happiness as much as you can.
But before you do everything we’d mentioned so far in this chapter, you need to do something way more important.
You need to tell your ex exactly what bothers/bothered you before and what you need your ex to fix immediately for you to feel valued.
If your ex cheated on you and left you for someone else, you need to be assertive and advise your ex to get therapy and inspire him or her to do some soul-searching.
You can do this in a respectful manner by encouraging and influencing your ex—rather than threatening and guilt-tripping him or her.
Basically, tell your ex everything you’d like him or her to change so that you don’t come across the same behavioral patterns from the past.
The new relationship with your ex depends on it.
Here’s what to say when your ex wants you back.
How to know when your ex wants you back?
It’s very easy to notice that your ex regrets breaking up with you and wants you back.
All you have to do is focus on yourself long enough for your ex to reveal some kind of romantic interest in you.
Keep in mind that when your ex is ready, he or she will bring up the topic of getting back together, so don’t think that you have to detect your ex’s hidden reconciliation intentions.
Even if your ex is the shy type and lacks the confidence to profess his or her love for you, your ex will try to crawl back one inch at a time until it becomes obvious.
So remain patient and wait.
No contact is hard because it’s mainly about waiting.
Most of the time you won’t know what your ex is thinking and feeling in no contact.
You’ll know absolutely nothing even if your ex broke no contact already and is now friends with you.
So be on your best behavior and let your ex make the first move.
When he or she does, you’ll gain control and dictate the speed and the direction of the new relationship.
That is if you choose to utilize the power—which you definitely should.
Are you still thinking about what to do when your ex wants you back? Are you trying your best so that you don’t make a mistake and push your ex away? Share your thoughts in the comments section below.
Hi Zan
Hi Charl.
How can I help?
Zan
Hi Zan,
First of all thanks for all your posts, they are helping me so much.
Me and my SO were friends in the beginning, and then became a couple. During those months dating (as a couple), I felt he had GIGS, as he was constantly checking other people everytime we went partying. I did not want to see it and I thought I was just being insecure. He told me many times everything was OK and that I could trust him.
After months and months feeling extremely insecure, I began asking myself why I was feeling like this, as I have been always very confident and secure about myself and I did not understand what was happening. Or I did not want to see the reality.
I made the choice of breaking up with him, as I do not want to be with someone who does not know what he wants, or with someone who is not sure if he wants to have a relationship. He confessed (very vaguely) that I was right, and this is why he cannot give me the commitment “I need and deserve”.
After that, he told me he learned a lesson and that he will write his thoughts on paper and will share it with me. He said he needs time to think. With this message he still left me hanging and I hate it.
Does it mean he will come back to me when he figures his issues out?
I don´t know how I can move on without closure. I would like to sit down with him and talk like 2 adult people. I think I deserve this closure for my mental health, but knowing him and his ability to avoid dealing with his/other people´s feelings, I am afraid a closure will not be possible.
What advice could you give me?
Thank you!
Hi Zan,
Thanks a lot for all your articles, they really provide some valuable insight.
A year after the break up, my ex wife is still sending me some breadcrumbs, asking me how I am doing or what I have done for the holidays for instance. But she never goes beyond that.
Since the break up, not even a month has passed without her contacting me.
How would you interpret such behavior ? What does it mean to break up with a person and yet still contacting him regularly ?
As for me, I always reply to her texts in a cordial and positive manner, while trying to keep the conversation short. Even though I would be happy to meet with her and talk more, I never asked her so.
According to you, how should I behave ?
You will understand from my question that I want to get her back, but I honestly do my best to move on and detach as much as I can by going out, engaging into new activities, etc… But after 10 months, I am afraid I am still in love with her.
Thanks a lot.
My ex used to be in a 3 year serious relationship before he met me. 5 months after the end of the relationship that’s when we met and he was head over heels about me. He rushed things he was so romantic he was convinced i was the girl of his dreams and that i am the best person he had ever met. We met in summer and everything was so great until school started again and he started seeing his ex everyday.. his ex is completely done with him but i guess she still has an effect on him because every time he sees her he gets reminded how broken he really is. He tried for a while to make our relationship work but when i was giving all of me he was just giving me half of his.. finally he let me go because he realized he is not ready for a relationship and can’t give me what i deserve.. Is he ever going to regret this decision and realize i am so much better than his toxic ex and wants me back again?
Hi Anna.
Your ex isn’t emotionally ready to be in a serious romantic relationship.
As much as he rationally knows you’re good for him, he can’t invest in you without the constant reminders of his ex.
He first needs to get over her and find happiness in himself again.
Once he does, he may contact you and express the wish to date again.
But until that happens, you need to get over him too.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Jagdish, I am just another reader ,but wanted to express condolences on your pain. That sounds terrible and I hope that you are enduring, taking care of yourself. Have you read Zan’s other blog posts? You have come to a good place, and his break up posts might offer comfort and guidance to get you through the most difficult days. Sending wishes for healing.
Wow, this is great advice! Zan, as you know, You have a rare and valuable talent for distilling wisdom into approachable and understandable guidelines. This is a golden nugget, right here.
When you publish your advice book/compilation please know that I will be keen to recommend it to everyone I know (and anyone, period).
I really hope that there are readers in this situation who Use this advice. And Would love it if someone would share a successful reunion story here (As I’m guessing that’s a rare occurrence)!
Over the past decade, I had the opportunity to reunite with a few Ex’s, and this roadmap would have been an ideal guide at the time. There was only one out of 3 that I would have considered since it had been a long and very serious relationship. But, I had misgivings and couldn’t put them into words the way you have here.
Ultimately, I believe it’s for the best that I politely opted out of all reunions. But as for that 3rd one, I now feel even better about not reuniting, having read this. Because I did ask him a lot of questions before saying yes (calmly, not with drama or guilt-tripping) and his response was to be impatient and unwilling to explain himself.
So, I backed away from a reunion since I feared slipping back into a relationship in which I was under-valued.
After dumping me, he had become ill and I — as a friend — had assisted in his recovery, during/after which he requested a reunion.
But I did not want his weakened state to be the main reason for getting together again. I felt cruel, yet I also felt like I had taken several difficult YEARS to put my life in a better place after the break-up, and there was a sense of being dragged back into a quagmire with him that just set off inner alarm bells…)
As I have said in another comment, all’s well that ends well for him: He found a better-matched partner and is 2 years into a live-in relationship (a step he would never take with me in the past — even though we were together for 4 1/2 years).
Regarding my most recent Ex, I have almost reached 90 days NC and have stopped counting each day as I am now strong enough to go infinite NC. (Again THANK YOU. This website has been a life-saver)
But… if he were to surface, I would likely let him back into my life.
Yet, I have (FINALLY) recovered to the point where I see things more realistically:
Most likely he will Not be looking for a reunion, and I am gradually not only making my peace with that, but growing more and more involved in my own personal goals so that the thoughts of him don’t continue to take up so much space in my head/heart.
I truly would be shocked if he came back, and though i would likely wish to re-grow the relationship in a better way, I realize that it would be a giant mistake to take him back without going through the steps you laid out above. Only I would not have been able to articulate it the way you have here.
So, it’s a purely hypothetical Thank you, But sincere all the same: I much appreciate this KEY guideline so that IF the stars align and something happens in his life that sends him back to me, with your advice we stand a chance of success.
Sorry — I should have proof-read more carefully.
To clarify: When tempted with a reunion with the Ex who had been ill, I asked a lot of questions and did NOT say yes. I wanted to have a few conversations before saying yes (which actually I was considering), to find out if he would agree to therapy, etc. And he responded irritably to my inquiries, so I opted out of the reunion.
I hope this too is a story that can give hope to some of your other readers.
I promise you all: I KNOW , Truly, the intense pain of being rejected from more than one serious relationship. And, you WILL surprise yourself if you commit to healing and being your better – Best self. It will take Time (months or more likely YEARS) but you will come to a place that you can’t imagine now: Where you actually don’t Want the person you thought you can’t live without. And the best part is that this newfound sensibility won’t have a shred of bitterness attached to it because you will love your new life too much and won’t want to poison it with that old stuff.
I took my ex back after she dumped me for 3 months. Well this was before I started reading this site. Well I can tell you it was the biggest mistake of my life. She dumped me again after a year. It’s been a year now and I would never think of taking her back. It is wise to take the advice that Zan says. You might go through more hell the second time.
Hey Gary, thank you for posting that and i hope you don’t mind my sharing thoughts that it brought to mind.
On occasion I had wondered if I had made a mistake but not reuniting with an Ex ( I even had family members encouraging me to do so since I am getting older and my prospects are dwindling. ugh)
But, like you, I probably would have jumped back in with no plan or guidelines, and I would guess the result would have been the same?: it just re-opens an old wound — in a new way?!?
Good for you, being in a clear-headed place Now and I am sorry for what you went through.
I also want to observe that 3 months is a point at which most of us (prior to finding Zan’s website) WOULD go back to our Ex’s. So, I it’s understandable that you did so.
But, lesson learned. There is no going back.
I do wishfully hope there would be a way of going Forward with an Ex – if there is a chance to , as Zan advises , find out how things can be different/better and make sure the old dynamics don’t come into play and destroy things again.
When I was young I was more sure that reunions are pointless and a fresh start is better. Now that I’m older, I like the idea of a reunion because it means a greater sense of shared life history.
But, of course, nobody needs to be dumped TWICE, and by the same person. Wishing you a better quality love from here on out.
I’m sorry to hear that your relationship ended the second time, Gary.
Your ex clearly doesn’t have it in her to make you happy anymore.
Knowing this should help you move on and find someone who will appreciate you.
Best,
Zan
I am married for 20 years, my wife left last 4 months ago, pls guide me, I am following no contact rule
Stay strong, Jagdish.
Focus on yourself and do what makes you internally happy during this difficult time.
Kind regards,
Zan