If you’re a dumpee and you’re breaking up because of distance, then I assume you’re still in love with your ex. As you’ve already experienced for yourself, physical distance doesn’t make the breakup any easier.
A breakup is still a rejection and a denial of love and relationship benefits.
When you get broken up with because of distance and there is absolutely nothing or nobody else involved, your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend often has an ulterior motive.
As you’ve likely heard a million times before, breakups happen for a reason. I’m not here to give you a generic response. Instead, I wish to provide you with some clarity.
All I ask in return is a little bit of openness and a chance to explain myself.
Breaking up because of distance
The majority of breakups are premeditated and well thought out. The same applies to couples that break up because of distance.
Those breakups involve at least minimum thinking before they are carried out.
Contrarily to long-distance breakups, a small number of separations are initiated due to a situational stimulus—a breakup in the heat of the moment.
Those breakups are normally fiery and can quickly turn incredibly ugly.
However, if you got broken up with because of distance but you’re still in love with your ex, you probably wonder how you can get your ex back when such a strong obstacle remains in place.
Your ex may be moving away for college and you can literally hear the time ticking as the day of physical separation approaches.
Or perhaps you’re the one who’s traveling overseas for work and you can’t stand leaving your ex-partner behind.
Long-distance breakup dynamics absolutely suck. The thought of powerlessness and lack of control due to distance has likely begun to eat at you.
Not only do you feel void of love from the lack of emotional intimacy, but now you have the physical distance to deal with on top of that.
Long-distance is a blessing in disguise
Before you completely drown in misery, allow me to explain why breaking up because of distance doesn’t make it any harder for you than any other breakup.
Just because your ex is cities, countries or continents away, doesn’t mean that he or she wants to see you after the breakup.
Recovering from the breakup is actually much easier when you break up because of distance. If you’re searching for solutions, then you’ve likely already come across the notorious indefinite no contact rule.
If not, I will quickly explain.
After the breakup, your ex needs space and time away from you. He or she likely won’t message you tomorrow and engage in some “pointless” conversation with you.
For that reason and for the sake of healing your broken heart, you must force yourself to stay away from your ex. “Luckily,” this is what the long-distance breakup provides.
Recovering from heartbreak is the easiest in no contact. So when you’re breaking up because of distance and you’re still in love, no contact will definitely help you out.
Not only will you gain respect from your ex by leaving him or her alone, but you will also heal and move on.
Try not to be afraid of moving on and trusting the process. It doesn’t mean that you can’t get back together with your ex in the future.
It simply means you will once again become happy with yourself and prioritize your own health over your ex’s.
Once that happens, your overall value as a person will skyrocket.
We broke up because of distance
Although the physical distance is a physical excuse, the real reason is of emotional nature. The person breaking up does so because his or her emotional needs aren’t fulfilled.
If the dumpee gets broken up with because of distance, the dumper either wants more from the dumpee or from someone else.
Oftentimes, this occurrence is incited by the grass is greener syndrome. It means the dumper wants a brighter future without the dumpee in it—alone or with someone else.
The real reason behind the breakup
More often than not, the dumper breaks up with his or her partner because of the ceaseless desire for emotional intimacy.
This craving stems from the person’s insecurities and an unhealthy yearning for continuous emotional bonding.
Long-distance relationships can face many difficulties.
The most common ones are:
- lack of trust
- possessiveness
- lack of control
- neediness
- lack of physical intimacy
Although most long-distance difficulties can be worked on, breaking up because of distance alone usually can’t be avoided.
This is due to the lack of physical intimacy and the benefits a physical relationship provides on a consistent basis.
Things, such as living a shared life, sex, intimacy and physical connection matter more to the dumper than staying emotionally connected from the distance.
To the dumper breaking up because of distance, is a matter of convenience.
Although it’s a no-brainer to you that staying with your long-term partner sounds like a better idea, your dumper ex doesn’t feel that way.
Human beings act and react based on what they think and feel.
Most decisions that are made because of emotions or “the gut feeling” usually aren’t the wisest—especially in love and relationships.
Unfortunately, emotions always encourage us to take actions—both good and bad.
And wanting your ex back is one of those bad examples.
What can you do?
If you’re breaking up because of long-distance when you’re still in love with your ex and you want him or her back, there’s nothing you can directly do to get your ex back.
It has to be your ex who makes the next move to:
- get back in contact with you
- express regret
- promise to never make the same mistake again
- work on his or her emotional dependency issues
- get back together with you
- keep working thrice as hard to gain your trust back
As you probably noticed, there’s not one thing on this list for you to say and do to get back together with your ex.
There is no magic formula for reuniting with an ex-partner.
There is hower, a way for you to influence your ex.
And you can do so by:
- posting your improvements on social media
- avoiding breakup topics with your mutual friends
- showing signs of moving on
- making new friends
- going on dates
It’s about your ex’s mentality
If you broke up because of distance and your ex refuses to give you another chance, then you have to wait for his or her perception of you and the relationship to change.
Without going into too much detail, people don’t think about their thoughts and behavior very often.
When they do, something usually forces them to do so.
It could be nostalgia, regret, injustice, fear and anxiety, unpleasant predicaments, and so on.
There is usually an occurrence that shifts their focus inwardly and makes them inspect their thoughts and actions.
In the self-help book The Power of Now, the author refers to this self-aware moment as the state of consciousness.
He says that as long as a person is subconsciously living his or her life, awareness cannot occur on its own.
Awakening requires some sort of external stimulus which then becomes internal.
Furthermore, self-reflection is most likely to occur once a person is given a strong reason for it.
For the dumpee, rejection usually awakens him or her.
As for the dumper, something of a similar intensity is required. Rejection, abandonment or some sort of physical, emotional and mental discomfort usually does the trick.
From a breakup to a long-distance relationship
For the dumper to want to get into a long-distance relationship, his or her mental state has to weaken tremendously.
This can only happen if the dumper’s reality doesn’t manifest the way he or she expects it to.
When the envisioned dreams collapse, the dumper will often resort to backup plans that worked for him or her in the past.
The easiest way to restore his or her emotional validation seems to be by applying a quick fix and jump into a long-distance relationship with his or her ex.
Any dumper that shamelessly goes back to his or her ex does so because of his or her lack of security.
In other words, the dumper uses the dumpee for his or her own gratification and reaps the benefits of the relationship.
These benefits include the previously-mentioned basic emotional needs; safety, support, trust, validation, etc.
If you broke up because of distance but you love your ex, and he or she wants to come back, please become aware of your ex’s intentions.
Since people are selfish by nature, most things we say and do come from our inner ego.
This means that our intentions are often not as sincere as they appear to be. What we say and what we do are frequently two completely different meanings.
The former tells the person we’re merely talking about what we want him to hear— and the latter shows what we truly feel about him.
Actions speak louder than words
There’s no better way to judge a person than through his actions.
If your ex comes crying back to you begging for forgiveness, you can be certain something went south on his or her end.
You won’t know what went wrong, but you can definitely be sure that he or she is not very happy about his or her current mental state.
In such a situation, the biggest difficulty for you will be to figure out if your ex has learned his or her lesson or if your ex has merely come back to feed the inner ego.
The only way for you to know what his or her intentions are is to make the reconciliation difficult for your ex.
Don’t be afraid to slightly hold back on love and attention—especially if your ex is giving you the puppy eyes.
If you let him or her back in as if nothing happened, your ex will leave quicker than you can say “whoops.”
Instead, show value and self-respect and appear as “badass” as you possibly can.
Trust me, if you mean anything to this person, your ex will do his or her very best to be with the best person in the world—regardless of distance.
Mutual break up because of long-distance
Last but not least in this article is a mutual long-distance breakup. You might be thinking, “We broke up because of distance. If this didn’t happen, we’d still be together.”
While it’s true you might still be together a week or a month after your breakup, the relationship would eventually suffer the same fate.
Why would it not when the exact same circumstances, such as relationship issues or lack of attraction, for example, are still present?
If you had an amicable, mutual breakup, you separated in a civilized manner.
Neither of you expressed the desire to persevere through the difficulties of a long-distance relationship.
And since you knew what going into an LDR is like, you agreed to part ways before it got too serious.
I suppose we can say that love wasn’t strong enough to keep you together.
Needless to say, we live in a modern age where technology rules our lives and not vice-versa.
This means that instant messaging and real-time communication is at your disposal, but you as a couple instead chose not to make use of it.
Since neither you nor your ex were prepared to stay together, breaking up because of distance was probably the right thing to do.
Did you break up because of the distance? Do you want to move on but you’re still in love with your ex? Leave a comment in the comments section below.
My boyfriend broke up with me about 5 weeks ago very suddenly. We had been dating about 9.5 months, and he had stayed with me for 3 months during the summer before he went back for the new college semester (he is a few years younger than me.) While no relationship is perfect, we were good together for the most part and I never expected him to end things. About 2 weeks after returning to school (four hour distance), he suddenly decided that the distance was too much and that he didn’t feel that he could focus on school, his friends, his family, and me – and “give me the attention I deserve.”
I was shocked. What’s made everything more confusing is that he kept saying how much he loved me and how he didn’t want to break up but he thought it was the right thing to do. He continued to cry (as did I) when we had conversations. A few weeks later, we had been talking off and on – I was not doing a good job of giving him the space he was asking for. We had tentatively planned to see each other in a few weeks. I have some of his things and we were going to spend time together. As the weekend approached, I asked him if he still wanted to meet. He said yes. I asked if he wanted me to come up Friday or Saturday (I wasn’t sure he’d want to spend the whole weekend with me), and he said “If I’m being greedy, come up Thursday.” Then, when we talked about the things we would do during this “last hurrah” he cried again (as did I – again.) Ultimately I decided to forego the weekend for now, to give us more time.
I’m just so confused. He wants space and doesn’t want to put the effort into making the relationship work, but he still seems to loves me enough to cry and wanted me to spend more time with him than I had expected. During our last conversation, a bit over a week ago, he said that I hadn’t given him the space he needed to determine if he had made the right call or not and that he didn’t want to rule out getting back together in the future. I’m giving him space now.
Is our relationship dead in the water?
Hi Taylor.
He lost feelings otherwise he’d be begging for your time and attention. For that reason, you must give him the space he asked for. He’d already decided thing were over, so bear in mind that he’s not figuring out if he’d made the right decision. He’s using this time to self-focus and occasionally reach out to check up on you.
The relationship has ended, so focus on yourself from now on.
Best regards,
Zan
I broke up with my ldr boyfriend 2 days ago. But I love him and want to be there for him. We’re just one month into the relationship and suddenly he wants to see my body. I objected and he said he can’t move forward if that need isn’t met since he’s sexually frustrated. I feel that would’ve taken away my freedom n render me unsafe and unhappy. So I ended it. I keep reflecting back on the sensitive moments of his life that he has shared with me. Tbh I really do care for him and I’m so concerned about his wellbeing right now. I thought I had that under control since I’ll be moving to his country soon. But it’s out of my hand. I wanted him to go fill his sexual need by ending the relationship because I was emotionally frustrated. And while we are still friends but it has backfired. I love him and want more with him. What should I do ?
Hi Efya.
You should stick to your boundaries. If you don’t feel comfortable showing him intimate parts of you, he needs to respect that and not force it. Also, he should address his problems on his own rather than expect you to deal with them. Perhaps you should talk to him about this and see if he understands, sympathizes, and wants to be more patient with you.
Kind regards,
Zan
I’m sitting here in central Berlin, googling similar experiences as my own, noticing how rough it is to get my daily life together without major distracting thoughts of my ex who is in Toronto Canada. This article is incredibly well-written and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I lived in Canada for almost 7y but the older I got the more I felt I was missing things about my home that I did not know to appreciate when I first moved. Culture, mentality, history, architecture, social environment, family etc were things I ended up yearning more for over the years. I also have incredible job and career fulfilment opportunities here that have only grown since I arrived 6 months ago. I dated my ex 1.5 years before I left in mid-March of this year. Then we did long distance until 3.5 weeks ago. Before I left we even intended on doing a Germany trip together, as she wanted to see how I grew up. She eneded up doing it with her dad, as we figured it would’ve been too hard for us to do it together as we would’ve physically separated once again afterwards. However, I still got to see her for 1.5 days in late May, and it instantly felt like I never left. It was so so nice to spend time with her in my home city. She loved it so much she was talking about moving here, but then we started to think of the obstacles, such as citizenship, language barrier, the fact that she has two fantastic careers running in Canada, and the fact that she is simply very close to friends and family back home. Me, however, already knowing Canada, how it is to work there, having the citizenship, speaking English fluently etc. She came to the conclusion the ball was ulitmately in my court. It was hard to constantly do video calls due to the time difference and her finishing work when I needed to go to bed. Whenever we did have video chats and video dates, they ended up in sadness more and more often towards the end. The uncertainty was killing us as no definite end date for the time apart was clear and therefore also no certainty I would ever come back. We decided mutually that if it is meant to be it will be and in that case we would find our way back together. But for now there has been pretty much 0 contact for almost 4 weeks. It’s gettig harder and not easier. We were talking about marriage prior and I am sure I would marry her if I would have stayed in Canada. There was truly no reason, no incongruency but the problem of physical distance and the increasing sadness that led to the relationship’s demise. She was always so incredibly supportive of everything I did. Even the fact that she was so supportive and understanding that I needed to find out for myself if Germany is indeed meant to be my forever home after all says so much about her. Never did I question her loyalty and trustworthiness, she is just such a wonderful human being. I always think of these videos where old people are asked on the street what they’ve appreciated most up until this point in their lives and not a single one will talk about success, career, jobs etc. They all seem to mention their wife/husband, family, friends, relationships in general. It always makes me think if I am going after the right thing here or if I left behind who truly is meant to be by my side. Unfortunately I don’t think I miss Canada itself too much but who knows. It appears indeed that time will tell and I’ll just have to make the best of it. Who knows where life will take me. All I know is that I am currently sitting on this white bench in the middle of Berlin procrastinating on my gym session because I was once again led astray by thoughts of her. I muted her IG stories and posts but I can’t help myself but check on her profile regardless every now and then. The human experience is quite something isn’t it? Thank you again for your article.
EDIT: I’m also 27 and she is 28 if that’s relevant. I know she wants kids as do I. But I also realise she has a biological clock which also made me feel a bit guilty with the long distance and the uncertainty to be honest.
Hi Kevin.
You have to find yourself before you proceed. Take this time to figure out what drives your nostalgia and whether you should act on it (stay in Berlin). Think about whether you were happy in Canada and if you feel drawn toward Germany because of your friends, family, and different culture. Typically, romantic partners are more important and bigger priorities than nostalgic feelings. You have some thinking to do, Kevin.
No matter what decision you make, it will be okay because you need to go through this self-discovery process.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I read your comment a gazillion times probably because I thought your answer was very interesting. What has happened since is that my ex started dating someone new two weeks after our mutual parting. The void I left was too much for her it seems and so she found this guy who she claims she has “deep feelings” for, makes her laugh a lot and is also fundamentally different from me. They’ve been seeing each other for a bit over month now it appears and it feels like the biggest punch in the gut. But I empathize with her, she was tired of waiting and I could never give her a definite date on which I would make a decision. I guess now I truly am in a position to give Berlin my all as technically nothing is holding me in Canada anymore. I can’t lie, deep down I can’t shake the feeling that I want to and will find my way back to her at some point, but for now I having nothing left but to trust the process and let destiny do its thing. It it’s meant to be it will be I guess. Is this the right attitude to have Zan?
Hi Kevin.
Try to learn what you can from this. If you leave people, you give them permission to do what they want with whomever they want. You don’t love them and they can look for love elsewhere. They’re in the honymoon stage so they think they’re a match made in heaven. Things won’t stay this care-free forever.
Yes, Kevin, you have to let her go for now. She’s into someone else, so it’s all you can do. Give Berlin a chance and see how it goes.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I am in my late teens and i know people say thats young for dating but i fell inlove for the first time this year. We had been talking for six months and he lives a good few hours away. He recently broke up with me and i feel like i will never get over it and I would do anything to have him back but the distance was just to much for him and he found it hard not being able to see me, but im still so inlove with him and I can’t imagine myself spending my life or time with someone else. We just understood eachother and clicked but I know if I think theres even a chance of us getting back together I will end up breaking my own heart again, I just don’t understand how people can move on from people after a breakup or see their exs with other people because that would really kill me inside.
Hi Anonymous.
This was your first serious relationship and breakup, so it probably hurts more than anything. It makes you think about your ex all the time and forces you to question your worth as a person. The distance alone wasn’t an issue as plenty of LDR couples make thing work. The problem was his inexperience and a lack of proper relationship mentality. The breakup needed to happen because the guy isn’t ready for a relationship with you or anyone else. He’s still getting to know himself.
Sincerely,
Zan
Dear Zan, my ex just broke up with me yesterday after 2 years. We lived together for 1,5 years and then i had to go back to my country. However, i m ready to make a plan to close the distance. I am a doctor so it ll take around 2 years for me to finally move to his country. Our time difference is 3 hrs, we talk everyday, giving support to each other. I visit him every 2 months, i try my best to be with him whenever he is in stressful condition or unhappy. They said love is about sacrifice so i do it, to sacrifice time and money. I know LDR is hard but i love him harder. Last month, he came up with the complaint that he s unhappy with LDR. We cried and i decided to leave. I was there in his country that time to celebrate his birthday. He came running and convinced me that he regretted everything and wanted us to be together. I trusted him (foolishly) and we were back again. Yesterday, he expressed this again that he felt unhappy. He said he wanted to discuss it but also afraid. I forced him to say what he trully felt and he said he wanted someone that he could touch. I am willing to sacrifice everything to be with him and he trade it with the need for physical touch that i could not provide him now. I was speechless and broken as i love him deeper than that. I told him to break this relationship if he is unhappy. He finally did it. I was so hurt that i didnt even say anything but good bye. I know you have written that its very unlikely for LDR to be back together, but i wish we could find a way somehow someday. Ive actually bought a ticket to his country as a suprised visit which could not be refunded in 2 weeks time. I m not sure whether i should let him know when im not in No contact
Hi N.
You shouldn’t visit his place. The issue isn’t the distance anymore. It’s the negative feelings he associates with you. Therefore, if you show up at his house, don’t expect the relationhip to go back to normal. The guy doesn’t have the right mentality to be with you. He’s too doubtful and probably wants someone closer and more available.
I strongly suggest that you stay away from him. I know you’re anxious, but it’s for your own good.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan
I broke up with my ex 6 days ago. A few days prior he had revealed to me that he’s on the verge of loosing feelings if I’m not there with him in the near future. (I had also just flown abt 2 months ago to see him) He said he needs me there with him or it doesn’t feel like a real relationship. I asked if this was an ultimatum and he said kind of. So that night things became very emotional and I said we should end it. He was shocked and said he was just expressing himself. He then initiated a “break” and would call to decide on this relationship a week later.
I guess it was rocky frm the start, he had always expressed his dislike for LDR and his 2 previous relationships ended after entering it. He thought it’d be different this time. We had always spoken at length abt our future plans but never concluded or had a firm one where we cld be tgt.
So aft a few days into the break, I just felt like there was no solution to this. It was agonising I really really love him but I figured I couldn’t change his mind in continuing, that we would end up with the same conclusion even if we pushed through this time. I asked to call 4 days later where I plan to end things. I went back and forth with this decision right up till on call with him.
I finally forced myself to tell him. And he said he was not expecting this. But he knew that the end was coming. He revealed to me that he was going to break up with me after our break. I was relieved i called it off then. It was still an amicable break up. He said he still loves me and it’ll take a long time to get over me. That he’ll be loosing a best friend and safety net. He also said I made him very happy and that he might regret his decision. But for now we are both unable to support each other. We both cried and talked about how we both thought we wld be the “one.” He wanted to still remain in contact but I said no. He asked me not to block him. I said I wouldn’t…
Towards the end of the call he said I don’t want to say it’s a goodbye but see you around.
I really didn’t want it to end. I feel like I got dumped even though I was the one to pull the plug. I still want us to be together and my brain and heart can’t reconcile that.
Hi, Anon, so what is your next step? Is it no contact rule? I am using this strategy for 2 weeks now and it’s so hard but i am trying my best not to reach out. A few days ago she deleted our pics from her Instagram, but not on Facebook. I still love her…
Hi Anon.
You may have pulled the plug, but he was the one who’d detached and given up. If you hadn’t left, he would have initiated the breakup himself. So technically, you made things easier for him.
I know you want to be with him, but you have to remember that his mentality was good enough for an LDR. Long-distance relationships require much more commitment and energy than he was willing to invest. That’s why I encourage you to stay in no contact and leave channels of communication open in case he changes his mind.
Right now, he’s not thinking about reconciliation. He just wants to focus on himself and explore his post-breakup life.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan, my ex brokeup with me 3 months ago, we are both in our mid 20s and he lives 8 hours away. He has a whole life in his hometown and I am studying to be a doctor, so my training will take me all over the country. He ended it after 1 year because he said he was too attached to me and couldn’t take the pain of continuously saying goodbye but also didnt want to leave his hometown or his dream job to live with me. He wouldnt agree to any alternative plans, and said we should just end it. 2 weeks before we ended, he met my parents, and I guess it probably made him feel worse. Whenever I explain this story to my friends, its so bizarre, because it feels like he didn’t love me enough, but I don’t think that was the reason. He was just super anxious. Idk if I will ever get him back, we’ve just gone no contact for 3 months. I know he’s just as sad and I am but it feels like he’s a masochist.
Hi S.
He must have found the distance very difficult. It must have given him separation anxiety and pressured him into sacrificing his life to move closer to you. It seems that he was comfortable in his town and with his job and that he wasn’t prepared to give up his comfort to be closer to you.
Kind regards,
Zan
I met this girl at my work place, we hooked up after just few days and really fell in love with each other. We both met each other parents, we were going to work together, and everything was going really good. Unfortunately, after a few months she didn’t get a permanent job, so she was fired. Since then she wanted to go to another city so she can start a new career. I didn’t want that, but she did anyways. She applied and got a new monthly contract so we decided to try a long distance relationship, and we did. But it was so hard to go through all of that, she didn’t want to come back, in fact she said she would never want to come back, and i didn’t want to go there either, even tho we both cry when we met and said we both missed each other. Now she got a new extended contract and in general i said to her to make a choice, her new job or me, a she got really mad and said that i was selfish etc. Now we dont speak for a few days days, and i really need your honest opinion what to do, i am not really sure if we broke up or not. Maybe i should continue using no contact rule, i don’t know. I still have feelings for her, and i am sure she has to.
Hi Nemanja.
If you regret breaking up with her, talk to her and apologize for giving her an ultimatum. It may not be too late. It depends on whether she has detached. One of you will need to change places. Maybe by talking nicely about it and having a good relationship, she’ll want to be closer to you.
And if she doesn’t want you back, go NC.
Best regards,
Zan
I was dumped by my ex recently. We have been contacting each others for around 3 years, but we have just officially date around 9 months, then she said “Let’s break up” even we don’t have any problem at all. The problem is that we are in a long distance relationship. When we are in a different country, we have been as Senior and Junior around 2 and half years, contacted each others almost every day, not like a normal senior and junior, but she moved to study and stay in the same country where I am currently working too, so we are closer than before. It can spend only 4 to 5 hours to meet. But whenever I asked her to meet she said she is a bit busy with study and her part time job, I understand her, working at the same time with study, it is not easy, since she arrive the same country with me, she gets more busier, alone, but refuse to meet me. Anyhow she meets some new friends, both male and female friends. After she arrive the same country as me around 6 months, but we have never met each other at all even I asked her for many times to meet, but I don’t force her, and I don’t show my feeling at all after she denied to meet me. A few days after the last video call we made, she didn’t response to my text for one month, then I went to meet her directly, sadly at that time, she met me and said that “Let’s break up, I have trying to love you because I saw you as a good man, then I wanted to try dating with you”, then after hearing this sentences, I was so shock, and begged her not to break up, we can just have space, but she said as long as she decided, she will not change her mind. What is her problem? I really have no idea. Does she start seeing another man nearby her once she arrives a new country? What should I do now, just leave her, right? And what should I do if she came back to text me? Because after we said breakup to each other, she said she still wanted to be friend with me, but I said that “No, I cannot., Let’s just be a stranger”.
Hi Rainy.
Your ex detached and lost feelings. She doesn’t have a problem other than that she doesn’t see a future with you. She should have told you this instead of proposing to take a break, but she didn’t have the courage to do that so, hence why she strung you along. If she texts you, reply and see what she wants. But if she has nothing important to say, tell her you want space, and then go back to no contact.
It’s not the LDR that broke you up but her lack of investment in the relationship.
Hang in there!
Zan
Hi Zan,
I have recently be a dumper, as I chose convenience andphysical intimacy over our relationship. I had move to another country on the other side of the world and it will most likely be 2-3 years. We have been in a very healthy relationship, love and understand for the past 2.5years. However, we have known since the beginning of the relationship that I will have to move one day, as we have discussed that we wont plan in doing a long distance, so we had never discuss our future. But when the day comes, we agreed to try our best to be optimistic to make it work, however, as things get overwhelm to me moving to a new country, I seek the intimacy I once used to have with him, as in the past we spent so much times doing so many things together, virtual interacts are just not enough for me. I see myself cant be faithful to him over a few years of long distance relationship, so I decided to end it. But I’m so confused, I still love him and really didnt want to end it, but I feel I love him less, and also I need more emotional supports and physical intimacy. Should I try not to contact him again? Did I do the right thing? I feel so sad that it has to be ended and also guilty to be the one ended it.
Hi Kong.
You ended the relationship due to your perception of long-distance relationships and the lack of physical intimacy you received. I can’t tell you if it was the right thing to do because your relationship is your responsibility. But I think couples who love each other should be able to withstand the distance even if they’re not getting physical fulfillment from it. They should work on cutting the distance and planning how to stay together when distance is an obstacle.
Best regards,
Zan
I miss my Prince. I am the dumper. Insecurities, needy, lack of trust and finally 12 yr age difference. I only hurt because I hurt him by leaving. Sorry. So now, I intend d to wonder through life. Really not interested in “movin-on”
Ugh !!!!
Hi Mystery.
It looks like you feel bad for hurting him rather than because you regret leaving him. Guilt will wane as you move forward with the breakup and convince yourself it was for the best.
Sincerely,
Zan
I’ve been a reader for a long time and your tough-love advice has helped me through other difficult situations, like letting go of my cheating spouse.
So, I wanted to share my story as the dumper in a long distance relationship where we are both still in love.
I am American (41) but I live in Russia and I am going through a devastating but amicable divorce after eight years from my husband, which whom I have a child, due to his long-term affair. On top of that, as you’re aware, there is now a war now which has destroyed Russia-West relations and made it extraordinary difficult to exist in both worlds.
Over the summer I was visiting the US and I met a man (30) there and it was as close to love at first sight as I’ve ever felt. We spent every moment together and he even extended my and my son’s tickets another month so that we could stay as long as possible. He told me everything I wanted to hear, that he wanted to marry me, be a step father to my son etc. He is wealthy so it seemed like we could do a long-distance relationship for a little while. In the beginning, he came on very strong, and there a few orange flags – emotional instability, anxiety – but I was over the moon. He bought a plane ticket to come to spend a month with me. He is very busy with expanding his business, but we talked every day. I started to develop a lot of negative anxiety about the relationship, but I kept holding out for his visit.
And then, seemingly overnight, the war escalated and we talked and he admitted that he got cold feet and was not going to come see me and that he was too busy with work besides. I broke up with him over the phone and it was like stabbing myself in the heart. He was upset and he cried, he suggested to give it a few months until I could visit the US again. He wants me to contact him when/if I return and he promised to stay faithful (I believe him). I feel horrible, but I also feel that if he really loved me as much as he said, -and if he is really worth giving up my whole life for, uprooting my son and disrupting his education and relationship with his father – he would make the trip. Tbh, I never really trusted his love for me, and I feel like is proof that his feelings are shallow. In total, the relationship lasted two months.
I appreciate your insight, so I wonder if I was unfair to him because I personally don’t see the trip as being so daunting – or if I am being wise given that I’m 41 and I need to get on with my life? Believe me this is not what I wanted to do and it brings me to despair because I really am in love with him and I’ve lost so much already. It seems like my whole life is in smoking ruins.
Thank you for reading..
Hi Adi.
Thanks for reading the blog.
The guy is prioritizing his work and comfort over you at this moment. This doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you, but that he expects you to understand him. By the looks of it, he would like you to be patient and wait for the situation to improve. I understand that you’re putting a lot on the line for him, but you need to communicate and make some plans with him. Don’t threaten a breakup again, just ask him what he wants and how he sees things playing out. You need to compromise otherwise you could butt heads and experience typical LDR problems.
I would try to encourage him to visit you and your son when he’s free (soon) so you can cut the distance and see how you function in person.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I met a girl when i raced her and crashed. I hung out with her a month later when i picked up the car from the mechanics and we had a cute cuddle at a party. Romantic conversations started 3 months ago with a daily facetime, call, or gaming session. Took 2 months to plan a day that fit her busy schedule and I asked her out to dinner, and it was planned for a weekend. Tuesday before she started having doubts asking whether or not i thought LD worked. She ended things after we had a conversation about it and i gave her time to think. Her reasons for ending things were 1) she knew that after our date in person she’d miss me more than she could handle 2) even if she pushed through it would still be a problem in the future 3) she works 3 jobs so hence a busy schedule so she wouldn’t be able to make enough time to satisfy the physical aspect of a relationship. I only really got to see the good parts of her (a few slightly worse but not bad) so I’ve created an image in my head that she is the one and no one else. I don’t know how to deal with my obsessing about her.
Hi Maurice.
She basically didn’t have the patience and energy to fit you into her lifestyle. She thought it would change things too much for her (especially the distance), so she let doubts kill her attraction towards you.
Go/stay in no contact and you’ll slowly detach from her. The image you’ve created of her will fade soon.
Stay strong!
Zan
So me and the guy I’m in love with both love each other. However he is not documented and I am not able to travel the distance to see him. He plans to move to the country I live in. We both decided to just be friends although it hurts. However, he still wants to keep communication because according to him he wants to know about me still. If we do this we both know we’re allowed to see and talk to people and are keeping in mind that we can try us out again when he gets here.
Hi Ldr.
If you or the guy meet someone else, you might decide to date that person and get serious with him or her. If you truly love each other as you say, you should stay together and make some plans.
Kind regards,
Zan