Why Did He Leave Me If He Loved Me?

Oftentimes, guys leave relationships and say things like, “I love you.” They make their ex think they still have romantic feelings and that they’ll come back when they figure some things out.

Unfortunately, dumpers have no intention of figuring anything out, let alone coming back. They’re satisfied with their decisions and their newfound freedom and independence. The only reason they tell their ex they still love him or her is because they feel bad for causing pain and ruining their ex’s goals and dreams.

They don’t want to hurt their ex any more than they already have, so they say ambiguous and confusing, but empowering clichés that validate their ex and get their ex off their backs. Their goal is to give their ex something hopeful to hold on to, soften the blow of the breakup, and make the breakup easier on themselves. 

By making their ex feel loved, they can stop their ex from guilt-tripping them and feeling emotions they don’t want to feel.

So if your ex broke up with you and said he loved you, bear in mind that his love is very limited. To be honest, it’s non-existent. What he meant was that he cared about you as a person and that he hated seeing you hurt, anxious, sad, depressed, and hopeless.

He didn’t want to feel responsible for causing you problems and agony, so he told you what you wanted (not needed) to hear. He essentially lied to you just so he could ease your worries and avoid bringing strong emotional reactions out of you.

Strong emotional reactions that weigh on his conscience and make his moving on more difficult than it needs to be.

Keep in mind that he didn’t leave you when he still loved you. He left you when he fell out of love and lost the will to regain feelings and commitment. He thought it was easier to break up, tell you he loved you, and start anew (with someone else) than to be honest and work on repairing the relationship with you.

The guy only made it look like he loved you because he:

• felt bad for breaking your heart
• wanted to avoid hurting you
• wanted you to accept the breakup
• or mistook guilt, shame, or other difficult emotions for love

Most guys know why they’re leaving their ex. They know they lost feelings and that they don’t have the drive to do anything about it. But because they don’t want to hurt their ex, they say reassuring things that offer comfort in the immediate aftermath of the breakup, rather than addressing the lingering effects that ensue days after the breakup.

Dumpers aren’t awful people, but many dumpers lack an understanding of breakups and their emotions. Instead of doing what’s best for their ex, they avoid unwanted emotions and do what’s best for them.

This makes them look self-centered, selfish, and dangerous.

So if your ex said he loved you and made you feel better for a brief moment, take his words with a pinch of salt. Remember that he wasn’t thinking about the future. He just wanted you to feel loved and not feel unwanted and abandoned.

Unfortunately, his “love” came at a high price. It made you confused and hopeful, forced you to ponder about his words, and delayed your recovery.

Instead of telling you he loved you, he should have put himself in your shoes and said he cared about you and wanted to be there for you by answering your questions and helping you understand what went wrong.

Your ex shouldn’t have pretended or made it seem like he still felt something for you. Not only was it selfish and immoral, but it also caused you problems you didn’t need. It made you think things that weren’t true, which in turn, gave you hope and prolonged your healing.

I get that hearing the truth can be hard, but the truth is necessary. The truth will liberate you and set you on the path that works for you whereas lies and half-truths will spin you in circles and prevent you from detaching and reaching your full potential.

It’s okay to tell your ex that you lost feelings if you do it in an empathetic manner.

It’s all about how you deliver the bad news. If you look him in the eyes, hold his hand, pay attention to your tone, and tell him you’re really sorry but that you no longer love him, you’ll sympathize with him and make him feel cared for.

You’ll still break his heart, but you’ll also let him know that you don’t despise him, feel repulsed by him, and can’t wait to get away from him and jump into a new relationship while he’s still working on accepting the breakup and loving himself. 

How we break up with people is extremely important. Our way of initiating the breakup and explaining ourselves (communicating difficult emotions and expectations) determines how our ex feels and how quickly he or she recovers from the separation.

That’s why breaking up over text, blaming the dumpee for everything, spreading rumors, monkey-branching to someone else, and lying about having feelings are not the most moral ways of breaking up with an ex.

That’s an understatement; they’re the most immoral and unsympathetic ways of terminating a relationship with a person who remained loyal and in love with you until the end.

The only thing worse an ex can do is rub a new person in your face and tell you how much better he or she is compared to you.

In this post, we discuss why your ex-boyfriend, fiancé, or husband left you when it seemed like he loved you. We explain what love is and how you can tell that an ex truly loves you, not just cares about you.

Why did he leave me if he loved me?

Some dumpers may disagree with me, but love has nothing to do with respect, care, friendship, guilt, shame, or any other non-romantic emotion. Love is a feeling of bonding and appreciation.

We feel love (not in love – infatuation) when we want to be physically close and intimate with our favorite person, exchange words of affirmation, express gratitude, plan the future, work toward common goals, positively influence each other, and fear breaking up and seeing our partner fall in love with someone else.

Love is exactly the opposite of what an ex who breaks up with you feels. An ex who leaves doesn’t want to be your exclusive partner because he feels emotionally drained, repulsed, annoyed, or depressed and wants to pursue goals and happiness outside of the relationship with you.

He wants to forget about you (at least for a while) and enjoy the liberating feelings created by the breakup. 

I can’t believe I have to say this, but love is an empowering and addicting feeling. It makes couples want to constantly feel reassured and important. Reassurance (whether it’s given verbally or non-verbally) makes them feel connected, safe, and purposeful.

Only those who fall out of love don’t need the benefits love provides. That’s because they disconnect emotionally and find different hobbies or people to stay busy with.

If your ex wants you to be happy and date someone else, your ex clearly doesn’t “claim romantic ownership over you” and love you. He can’t love you when he wants you to move on and is okay with you dating someone else.

Your ex may not have directly expressed “Go and find someone who loves you for who you are” (although many dumpers do that), but your ex doesn’t need to be so direct to show that he doesn’t love you.

His actions and inactions (lack of separation anxiety, fear, and fighting for your love and commitment) leave no room for doubt that he’s fallen out of love and doesn’t want you back. 

I wish you didn’t hear it from a random person on the internet and that your ex had the jewels to tell you the truth, but that’s how your ex chose to handle the breakup. He expressed himself in such a way that he empowered you similarly to how couples do.

This was the safest option for him as he was able to make you feel good and prevented you from saying or doing things that guilt-tripped him. 

The problem was that he wasn’t in a relationship with you and that he gave away the right to tell you or show you he loved you. He lost this privilege when he initiated the breakup and showed no desire or urge to fix the relationship.

Some dumpers tell their ex they love him whereas others show him love.

They:

• compliment their ex
• call their ex pet names
• treat their ex the same way as before the breakup
• tell their ex they need him
• beg for attention and support
• refuse to sign the divorce and return their ex’s belongings

Such behaviors can easily be misinterpreted by dumpees who feel deprived of love and search for reconciliation hope. That’s why many dumpees tolerate confusing post-breakup behaviors and tell themselves they may be able to reattract their ex and get another chance if they just try hard enough.

They basically convince themselves their ex may still love them and that they shouldn’t give up too quickly (even though their ex has given up on them a long time ago).  

So if you want to know why your ex left you when he loved you, know that he either disconnected emotionally and fell out of love or felt that he had no choice but to leave. If you cheated on him or did something equally bad, he may have refused to work on rebuilding trust and decided to leave you despite feeling attached to you.

He may have felt attached to you, but he didn’t respect you for what you’ve done and how you’ve made him feel. If we return to the fundamentals of what love entails, it embodies feelings of appreciation, bonding, and a desire to communicate and spend time together.

An ex who left you gave up on reaching mutual goals and feeling how you feel. He convinced himself he didn’t need those things anymore or that he could get them later or elsewhere. 

If he befriended you and told you he loved you, he probably wanted to keep you around for convenience. He wanted relationship benefits without commitment and didn’t know or care how he made you feel. That means your ex only wanted what he wanted and no longer has your best interests at heart.

You need to protect your interests now that you’re single by doing what’s best for you.

You might be scared of talking to other people due to concerns about upsetting your ex and reducing his interest in you, but that should be the least of your worries right now. As a dumpee, your top priority should be recovering from heartbreak, regaining your happiness and purpose, and preparing yourself for life ahead.

Don’t worry about what your ex will think if you go out more and take care of yourself. Worry about how you’ll feel if you tell yourself your ex still loves you and that you need to reattract him back as soon as possible.

Your self-love should be bigger than your desire for your ex’s love and validation.

With that said, here’s why your ex left you when he didn’t love you.

Although every relationship ends for different reasons, every relationship ends the same way in the end. Someone takes the relationship for granted, associates negative thoughts, feelings, and beliefs with the other person, desires different things, and falls out of love.

When that happens, it’s too late to save the relationship. Only the dumper can save it by taking some time to himself, looking for happiness, failing miserably, and realizing he was happier in the past.

He didn’t leave you because he loved you

Let’s get some facts straight.

The guy wouldn’t quit investing in you and leave everything he accomplished with you behind if he still had feelings for you and saw a future for you. If he still had feelings, he’d show how important you are to him not just with words, but also with actions.

His presence and attitude would consistently prove that he has romantic expectations of you and that he can’t and won’t be happy unless he receives your validation and love.

So let go of the idea that he left you because of some random issue and that he must still have feelings for you. I wish a part of him still loved you and wanted to be with you, but his actions prove otherwise. They show he wants to stay broken up and avoid taking responsibility for breaking your heart.

As long as he has no romantic feelings for you, he’ll continue avoiding responsibility and asking for forgiveness and commitment. 

If your ex loved you, he would have wanted you back right away. He wouldn’t just string you along and confuse you. Your ex would appear sad and regretful and try to meet up with you and get back with you as quickly as possible.

A quick reconciliation would allow your ex to stop hurting and feel secure and needed.

So learn how to tell if an ex wants and doesn’t want you back. When you learn what signs to look out for, you’ll know why your ex left you and understand that he’ll come back only if he redevelops feelings or wants to use you for his selfish gain.

I hope you’ve learned why your ex left you. If you did, share your breakup experience in the comments section below.

However, if you’re still looking for answers and want to open up to us, visit our coaching page and get in touch.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.