Losing hope after a breakup is no easy task. No matter how big an objective you make it, you won’t let go of hope any quicker than it’s possible.
The previous statement is true because losing the post-breakup hope is proportional to getting over the breakup.
If this is your first breakup or the first real breakup, then the time it will take to get over your ex could be anywhere from 8 – 10 months. That’s when the majority of the hope will be gone and you will no longer crave your ex to be emotionally fulfilled.
But just because you won’t have much hope your ex will return one day, it doesn’t mean that you won’t accept your ex back he or she comes back.
If an opportunity presents itself and you rationally determine that your ex was an amazing human being, then you might accept your ex back despite a loss of hope and a complete detachment.
Contrarily, if your ex comes back before you’ve let go of him or her and lost hope, then you will most likely accept your ex back—despite knowing that your ex isn’t the best for you.
This is because people make emotional decisions way more often than logical ones. This is unfortunately true when it comes to relationships, breakups, and reconciliations.
Hope after a breakup
As long as you have hope your ex will return one day, you are not over the breakup. You are still hooked on your ex and want to get back together with him or her.
It truly sucks that hope is deemed as a negative feeling in the breakup world, whereas almost everywhere else, it’s quite magical and motivational.
Unfortunately, hope is what keeps us hooked on our exes after a breakup. It’s what empowers us with the determination that the dumper will return and that everything will be back to normal.
We don’t only think it will return to normal. We believe that if we were given another chance that we could make things near perfect the second/third time around.
Emotions after the breakup convince us that it’s okay to ignore the dumper’s shortcomings and tolerate his or her behavior. Boy, are we wrong.
In the relationship with our boyfriend or girlfriend, we accepted our partner’s flaws, but we didn’t entirely feel satisfied with his or her treatment.
We often didn’t approve of our partner’s negative behavior so we sometimes expressed dissatisfaction—and as a result, got in an argument.
And now that we got broken up with, we are suddenly willing to put up with the dumper’s much worse behavior only because we’re hurting on the inside—and for no other reason.
Where’s the logic in that? That’s right, there is none!
Breakup hope is what makes us weak
Hope makes us weak at the knees. It keeps us drooling over our exes who quite frankly don’t give a flying rat’s a** about us.
Since they don’t care about us, it’s exactly why we are hopeful. We hope our exes will realize the good in us, care about us and show us their sunny side.
We want our exes to validate our existence and make us feel the beauty of love – the warmth and care, the rainbows and unicorns.
As time goes on and we begin to detach, we discern that hope is holding us back from living our lives so we start asking ourselves, “How to lose hope after a breakup?”
How to lose hope after a breakup?
As we’ve mentioned earlier, losing hoping after a breakup is basically the same as getting over the breakup.
It’s about doing your best in as many aspects of your life as you can. This includes improving physical, emotional, mental, financial, behavioral, relational, spiritual well-being and every other part of your life.
The more enjoyment you are able to have in improving your life, the quicker you will lose hope and get over your breakup. The reason for that is because your ex won’t matter much anymore when you give yourself all the attention.
Your personal life will have become your biggest priority, as it should have been prior to the breakup. But For that to actually happen, you must motivate yourself and sometimes even force yourself to take immediate action.
I know it feels great to just wallow in self-pity and hope your ex would come back. But the longer you spend doing nothing with your own life, the longer it will take to get over your breakup and lose hope.
By doing nothing, you won’t just delay your recovery. You will waste the important post-breakup time for self-improvement. You will essentially waste your desperation to improve and find your purpose in life.
What can I do to lose hope after a breakup?
There’s no end to things you can do to ditch hope. The 2 most important questions you should consider asking yourself are:
- What areas of my life can I improve?
- How can I have fun at improving myself?
Once you’ve got the answers, you must take immediate actions. There’s no time to waste.
Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today.
Benjamin Franklin
Since you’re likely looking for ways to let go of hope after a breakup, here are some ways to recover as quickly as you can.
1)Get really, really busy
Getting really busy with something you love and doing it with all your heart is the best breakup medicine.
Don’t just get busy with things. Get creative, passionate, meticulous so that the things you enjoy will ease your breakup pain in return.
You will probably find it difficult to start taking care of your mind and body right after the breakup. But the more time that passes, the easier it will be for you to start giving yourself the love you deserve.
Most people find it possible to focus on themselves the second or third week after their breakup—and chances are, you can too. You just have to really try it.
You can let go of hope after a breakup by:
- doing the things you love, such as hobbies and activities, as well as finding new interests and making new friends
- working (getting a promotion, changing a job, getting a job, starting a business)
- spending time with family and friends
- improving yourself and your shortcomings in fun and creative ways, such as listening to audiobooks, completing courses, joining social groups…)
- going back to school or taking additional classes
- helping those in need (volunteering, online)
2)Physical activity
This is probably one of the best, yet the most undervalued fast ways to get over a breakup and lose hope.
Exercising and getting plenty of physical activity exhausts the body and releases happy chemicals into the brains, temporarily alleviating the breakup pain.
Although the solution is temporary, it works like a charm.
Do this every day, 5 times a week (or more) and you will get rid of hope of getting back together with your ex in no time.
3)Remove reminders
Another great way to let go of the past and post-breakup hope is to get rid of all reminders of your ex. This includes harmful gifts, pictures and videos, social media following and anything that brings back nostalgic reminders of your ex.
Get rid of absolutely everything that you keep “in case your ex returns.” It’s only holding you back from moving on.
4)Avoid rebounding
By all means, talk to other people and make sure you have fun while you’re at it. Just try not to get involved with another person too quickly.
If you do and your expectations don’t manifest, you could experience a painful setback.
Instead of becoming emotionally dependent on another person too quickly, talk to other people and get to know them for who they are first. Try to get to know them before you find yourself attached to them.
You can do this by discerning whether you even like them before you take it to the next level. Be really patient with yourself and your dating candidates as well. Nobody’s going anywhere so do your best not to rush or you could end up disappointed and heartbroken again.
How long you should wait before you date another person really depends on you and your detachment from your ex-partner. Here’s a rule of thumb.
If you had gotten therapy or any kind of professional help, medication or you experienced severe depression for months after your breakup, I say you should wait at least 6 – 8 months.
The reason why I deter broken-hearted dumpees from rebounding and encourage them to wait instead is because a rebound relationship failing can bring back the pain from the previous relationship. And when the pain comes back, so does the hope of getting back together with an ex.
Take it as a precaution.
5)Set goals
Don’t underestimate the importance of setting goals. It’s been researched in and out that people with goals—both short-term and long-term are the happiest people. It doesn’t matter what your goals are, but the fact that you’re working toward something gives your existence purpose and your internal happiness a spark.
Having goals could be:
- losing/gaining weight
- reading an x amount of books a year
- stopping bad habits, such as biting nails, cracking knuckles or smoking
- participating in a sports event
- finishing your college degree
- achieving results that mean a lot to you
People need to be busy and keep their minds focused. If they don’t, they can easily slip into depression or become extremely unhappy with themselves.
If you’re an artist – paint, a football player – play football, a musician – play music, a graphic designer – make new designs, etc.
The point is, your goals should revolve around your passions, so do your best to achieve them.
Everyone is good at something. If you don’t know what your skills and talents are, it’s time you find them.
6)Reward yourself
Every now and then, go easy on yourself, take a break and treat yourself to something nice.
Go for a getaway to the countryside, beach or anywhere you’d like to go. Nothing feels better than losing hope after a breakup far away from the place where you got broken up with.
So grab a bunch of friends and enjoy their company in the faraway lands from your home—away from all reminders of your ex. You will be surprised how great it can feel to temporarily let go of hope.
7)Burn bridges
Getting rid of hope after the breakup is often greatly dependent on your intentions with your ex.
As long as you want your ex back and feel attracted to him or her, you will, unfortunately, have hope. That’s why you might want to terminate any doubt and hope of reconciliation by intentionally burning bridges with your ex.
Although I don’t recommend going down this path unless you’re absolutely certain you don’t want your ex back, it’s sometimes still the right thing to do. This is especially true for those dumpees who can’t get rid of hope years after the breakup.
Please note that it’s up to you to figure out if this is the path you want to take.
Proceed with caution!
Get rid of post-breakup hope the hard way by:
- telling your ex to leave you alone
- calling your ex something nasty and deliberately ruin all chances
- annoying your ex to the point of no return
- doing anything that strengthens your ex’s decision to break up with you
If you want to get rid of all hope as quickly as possible, do something that will prevent your ex from ever wanting to get back with you. Once you do, you will lose hope incredibly fast.
Has this article taught you how to lose hope after a breakup? Are you taking the right steps to move on or are you hoping your ex will return? Comment below.
“Proceed with caution!
Get rid of post-breakup hope the hard way by:
telling your ex to leave you alone
calling your ex something nasty and deliberately ruin all chances
annoying your ex to the point of no return
doing anything that strengthens your ex’s decision to break up with you
If you want to get rid of all hope as quickly as possible, do something that will prevent your ex from ever wanting to get back with you. Once you do, you will lose hope incredibly fast.”
Yeah and possibly have a criminal record opened at your name. How in the world is ‘abusing your ex so you can feel better’ a good advice?
Hi Leo.
I never said you should abuse your ex, but I see why you’d think that way. All I meant is that you can lose hope by doing something that ruins your ex’s perception of you and makes you understand that the relationship has ended for good.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hello Zan!
First off, let me start off by saying THANK YOU! I’ve been dealing with a break-up for months now.
If only I had found you back then! In reading all your articles I’ve learned more in the last month than in the first few months combined.
My question to you is regarding Number 7 in this article- Burning Bridges:
-Would you consider it to be ‘burning bridges’ if, months after a (mostly) amicable breakup, a dumpee deleted the dumper on social media and removed all mutual photos?
For context: This action came months after the breakup. Prior to that, the dumpee made some early mistakes (I.E. some begging/pleading but not excessive, and ‘agreeing to stay friends’ due to strong mutual friend group).
Outside of those early mistakes, the remainder of the breakup was amicable and the dumpee mostly stayed in NC.
The dumpee would run into the dumper here or there at larger group events just prior to the Quarantine days. At first it would be awkward, but eventually the dumper would warm up a bit.
(Earlier tonight I read one of your responses to a comment in a previous article: The dumpee was describing a similar situation where the dumpee would run into the dumper months later at a social event.
When the dumper was having a good time, the dumper would show warmth and openness to the dumpee.
But in all other situations, the dumper would suddenly be cold and distant.
You recognized this as the dumper having already moved on, and being cold/uncomfortable in all situations other than when the dumper was having a good time/had their guard down).
My scenario is similar. Both parties were rookies in their first long-term relationship, and had an (apparently) strong relationship for most of that until loss of emotional attraction/GIGS occurred on the part of the dumper.
The dumper claimed to want to stay friends and occasionally showed some warmth and openness to the dumpee (which was, as described above, only shown in moments when the dumper was having a good time).
After staying strong in NC, the dumpee recently failed. A situation occurred which finally made the dumpee realize that the dumper was being insincere regarding wanting to stay friends.
This led the dumpee to realize that this fake purgatory of ‘staying friends but not actually being friends’ was not working for the dumpee, and that the dumpee needed to wake up. Immediately.
This led to the decision for a ‘clean slate’, and for the dumpee to delete the dumper from social media/remove all mutual pictures so that the dumpee had no reminders and could finally move on.
At the time the dumpee realized that this was the ‘nuclear option’/there was no going back, and the dumpee honestly deliberated the decision. But at this difficult time, in the dumpee’s mind, it was the only option to finally officially move on.
My question to you, Zan, is:
Will the dumpee’s decision come off as a burned bridge/bitter/childish to the dumper and to their mutual friends?
Or, will they at least have some understanding of the dumpee’s point of view? That the dumpee felt that the dumpee had no choice. That the dumpee genuinely loved the dumper during their relationship, and that the dumpee tried to be amicable after the breakup.
But that the dumpee finally realized that ‘being friends’ was no longer an option, and that the dumpee did what was necessary to finally move on (by ‘clearing the slate’ and removing all reminders).
Thanks in advance for all your help!
What if we both agreed that we need space. We were around each other so much that we sort of felt annoyed by each other. Not only that but she felt like she was losing herself which was not helping with her random feelings of sadness. We broke up and decided that it’s for the best to take space rn but we are both open to being friends again once we have healed since no hard feelings came from our break up. Just a simple relationship that theoretically was perfect but the circumstances didn’t allow it to be that way. Should I hold on to the fact that we can be friends isn’t he future and that I can fix things between us in the future after we’ve both had time to heal and grow?
You could almost have described my last relationship to a tee there. Everything is going great, but life came in the way. And my clear suggestion is this.
Make a clean break.
I kept messages, music and pictures of her/us where I could see them. It has been two years now and had to sit up from my bed today because of a pain in my chest from missing her.
I am taking notes from this site now, because it is preventing me from finding someone else.
What if, from the moment of the break up I didn’t wanted her back? Because I just knew she wouldn’t change her ways? Which were basically always keep guys on hold, I was a rebound and after our break up, she had a rebound with an ex she had many years ago. Now that’s over, I just want to get rid of the last of thoughts of her I still have in my mind, I’m not mad or angry at her, at first I was, specially when I saw her with her rebound about 2 weeks after our break up. But now I don’t have any feelings towards her, matter of fact, I haven’t even cried about it.
I guess I lived part of the mourning during the last part of our relationship, as I knew the end was near, but as I loved her, I tried to ignore thinking that way.
Hi Tom.
In that case, you’ll move on quickly without second thoughts and guilt.
Best,
Zan
No I wouldn’t consider that burning a bridge.They will find a way to contact you if they are interested. Apparently you don’t want to give up hope. It is hard to do I know.
Is blocking my ex in the burning bridge section?
I did it at the start of the breakup because I was hurt and was constently looking for her on social media and was scared to receive a message.
I didn’t want to burn bridge.
What to do?
Hey STA.
You must do what it takes to lose hope after a breakup. So if seeing her pictures and posts sets you back, you’ve done the right thing. But if you want her back, it might be best she doesn’t know she’s blocked. The choice is yours.
Kind regards,
Zan