To put it simply, the time it takes for you to move on after a breakup depends on your emotional investment. The more emotions you invested in your relationship with your significant other, the more difficult getting over a breakup will be.
Couples that spend a lot of time together with each other usually bond better and connect on a deeper level. They are on each other’s minds more and develop a subconscious obsession with each other.
How long it takes to get over the breakup varies for each person. There is no set amount of days as everybody processes the breakup differently. Dumpees and dumpers both go through different stages of a breakup, so their recovery time differs.
Dumpees’ time to get over a heartbreak depends on:
- emotional investment
- the severity of the dumpee’s syndrome (post-breakup attraction)
- traumatic experiences stemming from childhood
- fear of abandonment from previous relationships
- type of attachment, such as codependencyāunhealthy attachment
- self-confidence and self-esteem
- avoiding no-contact
- potential loss (marriage, assets, children…)
- purpose and meaning in life
- stalking and looking at pictures, gifts, and memories
- not getting busy
- support from friends and family
- trying to stay friends
- nature of the relationship (functional, abusive, traumatic)
- false hope
- purposely refusing to move on
- rebound relationships and new dating candidates
Naturally, the more alternative and encouraging options the dumpee has, the easier it will be for him or her to move on. This means if other parts of the dumpee’s life are stable and functional, the breakup would be easier to cope with.
For example, if the dumpee is struggling with other things, such as a death in the family, personal health issues, finances, and anything stressful, the breakup is likely going to be that much more severe. To the dumpee, the breakup itself already presents the end of the world. If we add other personal issues on top of that, it can truly feel disastrous.
Average time to get over a breakup
You’re probably already aware of the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumpee. The research is based on grief, such as losing a loved one and further extended to the abandonment of a romantic partner.
If you’re asking yourself “how long does it take to get over a breakup”, here is the average time. Please note that everyone is different.
The first three stages of a breakup are a grindāa difficult climb to the top of the hill. Once you get past those initial stages, things become much easier. You will feel a sense of relief and new energy coming to you. It can truly feel great to be free of those awful emotions, weighing you down. This detoxing process is your relief stageājust how dumpers have their own. Contrary to dumpers starting with relief, yours comes somewhere in the middle. With depression and overwhelming anxiety out of your way, you will feel amazing just by feeling healthy again.
Have you ever been sick and felt grateful for the times when you were healthy? I’m sure you haveāespecially when you had a hangover. Now imagine you are “breakup sick” for months and then you finally recover. All your vitality, energy and zeal return to you tenfold, making you feel unbelievably empowered.
When you recover from the breakup, I can almost guarantee you will never take your health for granted again.
No-contact to get over the breakup
Axel describes his no-contact experience as two steps forward, one step back. Even when you’re doing everything right and you’re moving on successfully, there will be days when you feel worse than others. This is expected. The breakup recovery is not a straight, upward line. It looks more like this.
It’s important you persevere when you have those difficult days. It can be tempting to pick up the phone and call your ex, expecting to feel better. Unless your ex truly cares about you, that won’t happen. Calling your ex is a huge setback for you because you are extremely vulnerableāespecially on your bad days. Getting rejected again is really not something you need.
Do long-term relationships take longer to get over?
It’s common sense that the longer the relationship lasts, the more emotionally invested the couple gets. A 2-year relationship takes way longer to get over than a 6-month one. Unless by some chance both people lose attraction for each other and gradually drift apart, then, in that case, the breakup might not be very difficult to deal with.
How can you get over a breakup faster?
Getting over a breakup takes time. How you use your time can certainly benefit or delay your recovery.
You can decrease the time it takes to get over the breakup by:
- exercising regularly
- meditating
- keeping busy
- spending time with friends and family
- educating yourself about breakups
- getting closure at the end of the relationship
Closure
The more compassionate a person is, the more likely he is going to offer closure to you. Some people are fortunate enough to get it, while others aren’t that lucky. If your ex didn’t give you closure, I advise you not to try to extort it from him. Your ex quite frankly doesn’t think very highly of you and is acting very selfishly. He knows you’re in pain and doesn’t do anything about it. Although he’s not responsible for the pain the separation brings, he should have the decency to at least give you the credit you deserve. This credit is an appreciation for being his partner for so long and an explanation as to why the breakup has to happen. This short conversation with your ex is the least you deserve, and it really has a lot to tell about a person who isn’t capable of sympathy.
It’s unfortunate that most of my clients so far didn’t get closure or any sympathy at all. Some were ghosted and ignored, others abandoned cold-heartedly. A very small percentage actually got closure. If I had to put a number on it, maybe 10% of all my clients got closure. It’s not a lot, but that’s okay. You have other ways to get over a breakup. Whether it’s your friends and family, perseverance or an extremely busy lifestyle. Somehow you will manage to get over your personal trial. Once you’ve fully recovered, you will be thankful it’s finally over, whether you got any closure or not.
How I got closure
My breakup was not very pretty. There was no shouting, screaming, kicking, or anything like that. It was simply initiated over text, followed by ignored texts and calls. 10 days after the breakup when we finally met, it went somewhat like this; She brought a guy over, threw the last of my belongings in my suitcase, stated it’s not working between us and told me to “get out.” As I was finishing packing my things, she was laughing and giggling with her friend. At the time of the breakup, I didn’t understand how she could be so cruel, so I left.
How did I get my closure, you ask? I didn’t. Not from her anyway. Knowing the person she was portraying to be before and during the breakup, I would never get peace of mind from her. The only way for me to get closure was to get it myselfāfrom myself. I sat down, took a pen and paper and started writing. I created my own version of the relationship and included everything that wasn’t working for us from A to Z. The list of things kept getting longer as days went by. Eventually, I had everything I needed to know on that piece of paper. It had our shortcomings and weaknesses, differences, arguments, what we like and dislike, incompatibilities, everything…
That was it. I didn’t need to hear anything else from her. Because of the nature of her character, she would have most likely dumped everything on me and make me feel even worse. I also didn’t need to hear if there was another guy in the picture, and I didn’t need to listen to her story behind the breakup. There was no need for self-torture and I’m so glad I didn’t try to get closure by force.
This is the reason why you may not need to hear your ex’s interpretation. Deep inside, you either already know what’s going on or you don’t want to find out.
Asking for closure would often mean:
- getting lied to
- making you seem bad
- making it seem like it’s not your fault at all (it’s not you, it’s me)
- telling you about the things you don’t need to know (lying, cheating, losing attraction, talking to others and dating them, enjoying the single life, rubbing it in your face…)
It takes a really mature person to have a decent conversation about closure. This happens way more frequently in amicable and less heated breakups.
Here’s how long it took me to get over my ex
The first 3 months were the hardest for me. They consisted of self-blame and other destructive thoughts that plagued my mind on a daily basis. I did my best to avoid online stalking and other ways to get reminded of my ex. Eventually, I no longer felt depressed and I stood up for myself. I improved from blaming myself to anger and self-respect. No longer did I feel like I was the only person responsible for the breakup.
Just when I was starting to feel better, I got involved with another person and it hurt me again. It was a rebound that didn’t last long and I regressed back to the depression stage. It took me another two weeks to get out from that dreadful place and start doing the things I like.
5 months after the breakup, I got past the anger and acceptance stage and acknowledged that it’s finally over. I didn’t get reminded of my ex as often anymore and I certainly didn’t care about her anymore. I was simply happy being myself and the person I have become as a result of the breakup.
Another 2 months laterā7 months into the breakup, I felt better than ever. I was finally free of the reminders and I felt incredibly good. The end of the suffering felt so invigorating, I no longer gave much thought and emotion to the injustice that was done to me.
That’s when I knew for sure I was moving on and finally stopped asking myself “how long does it take to get over a breakup.”
Is it normal to feel so heartbroken?
Nobody likes breakups because they truly hurt. You might be having trouble eating, sleeping, concentrating and living your life the way you’re supposed to. You keep telling yourself you must get over the breakup because it’s ruining your health. At the same time, your friends and family are trying to help you by saying that he or she is not good enough for you.
Despite others’ efforts and your self-encouraging affirmations, it’s still not working. Perhaps you feel better when you talk about itāas talking is the best therapy, but it just doesn’t seem to last. When your friends leave and before you go to sleep, anxiety kicks in and you find yourself in distress again. The pain in your stomach and the constant fear of losing your partner are not going away no matter how hard you try.
If you’re experiencing these symptoms, chances are you are the happiest when you fall asleep and completely disconnect from the reality. You seem to be at peace until you wake up and the realization seeps in again.
The choice
Having your ex on your mind from the time you wake up until you fall asleep is completely “normal.” The breakup causes so much pain and anxiety, you will remember it for the rest of your life.
The breakup you are going through seems like a bad experience now, but once you are over it, you will remember it as a lesson. This lesson could be anything from how to be happy in a relationship to what not to say, do, and tolerate.
As the post-breakup pain wanes, the scar will remain in its stead. You are now left with the choice to decide what to associate your breakup with. Is it something absolutely horrific or perhaps an experience you can learn from and improve? The choice is yours to make. The only difference between the two mentioned choices is that one will haunt your future relationships and the other will aid you in them.
“I will never love again. One breakup was enough!”
If you’re having these thoughts, I kindly ask you to hear me out for one minute. Loving others is absolutely necessary. If you don’t, you would appear like some sort of narcissistāa self-centered person. I’m not saying that self-love is a bad thing. By now, you’re probably tired of hearing how important it isāespecially when it comes to breakups and other predicaments. Loving yourself should always come first before you love another person. In my opinion, this should be a prerequisite. Without it, the relationship will fall apart before you can say “whoops.”
Just how loving yourself is important, so is loving others. Some people prefer to be single for a while after the breakup, and most of them find someone else eventually. Now, just for a second, imagine what happens when a person with the mentality “I will never love again because I’m afraid of breaking up again” gets involved with another person. Have you ever dated a person like this before? I have, and I will tell you what happened in my case.
My experience with a heartbroken person
The person I dated had so many deep-rooted insecurities because of her previous boyfriend, I wasn’t able to have a functional relationship with her. She was so fearful of breaking up, she never invested in me emotionally and continuously kept asking for assurance. She had been cheated on before, so she wasn’t able to trust me again. Every girl I spoke to, she saw as a chance for me to cheat on her. Her excuse was “Yeah, but he did it. Guys are all the same.” As things kept piling up, I had no choice but to deliver what she feared mostāthe breakup.
The law of attraction will always give you what you ask for, even if it’s a bad thing. This is especially true when you focus all your attention on it and become obsessed.
Unfortunately, this girl wasn’t the only person with trust issues and other post-breakup insecurities. This is why I’m trying to warn you to treat each individual differently from the very beginning. I can’t guarantee your next relationship is going to work and I can’t guarantee you won’t get hurt again. I can, however, assure you that you will eventually find happiness.
If this is the first time you got so heartbroken, you have a lot to learn. The future you will definitely appreciate all the lessons you learn from your unfortunate situation.
How can you tell you’re over a breakup?
Even though you may feel fully recuperated from the breakup, it doesn’t necessarily mean you are over your ex-partner. If you still want to get back together and if your ex still crosses your mind often, you’re not completely over him or her just yet. You may be on your path to recovery, but you definitely aren’t completely healed yet.
Signs you’re not over a breakup
Apart from the obvious signs, days or weeks after the breakup, these are the signs you’re not completely healed from the breakup:
- the thought of getting back with your ex still crosses your mind
- just thinking about talking to your ex increases your heart rate
- you sometimes think about different scenarios with your ex
- curiosity about what he or she is up to
- comparisons between your ex and other people (partners)
- thoughts of vengeance
How long did it take you to get over a breakup? Are you still recovering? Let me know how you’re coping in the comments below.
HI Zan,
I hope iam not too late writing a comment here. I jus got into a breakup. me and my girl were together for 4 years and this coming June 24 2023 was to be our wedding day. on the Jan 11th 2023. She texted me and said we cannot be together. i called n texted her pleading on why the need for a breakup. long story short shes a borderline narcissist, who doesnt want to listen to reason or be realistic n jus wan to sing my life to her tune, even though i tried to compromise it was never enough. iN the 4 years i was transparent n straight forward to make things clear between me n her. BUt it was never enough she wanted more n more. by the way we were in a long distance relationship n most of the time it was me seeing her n she only came once to see me.
To be honest i’ve always place my best foot forward for me and her to the point i became out of character n be a ‘simp’. When she send the text, i felt everything me n her build came crashing down. all gone to waste. my last call to her was the 18 Jan 2023. I spoke to her over the phone all the anger n sadness n disappointment in my chest i let out to her to make her see what she did was unjust.
But i realize looking back i failed, by me expressing all “the anger n sadness n disappointment to” her only cemented her justification to breakup with me and it fed into her ego, i was played by her yet again.
after the call i scrub everything clean all chats all photos block her from whatsapp, fb, insta etc. i didnt want anything to do with her.
She made me to a broken person.
as i write this 23 march 2023. iam still healing, iam at the stage of “Anger”. deep in me n i want her to feel the pain i felt n worst. But the more i think bout it the more i become dead inside. then i console myself, “people who hurt others, their time will come, and when it comes. It will hit them in ways unimaginable”
Iam slowly telling myself i need to move forward, n not look back. iam restarting to jogging also going back to God and be hopeful i can do this, i can try and make myself right again. As she was the one who broke me, i need to mend my broken pieces back again bit by bit, little by little.
thank you
Matt
p.s apologies for the long comment
Hi Matt.
If she really is a narcissist, use this knowledge to stay away from her. She doesn’t deserve your attention and love. A narcissist only cares about herself. You did a lot for this woman. It’s time to start looking after yourself now, Matt. Focus on healing and controlling your emotions. You’ll be much stronger when this is over.
Sincerely,
Zan
I am currently grieving my ex and this website has been a good starting point for me.
I am seeing a Therapist who recommended me here.
My ex was my first love since I came out as openly gay and the journey so far has been the worst pain I ever felt.
He cut contact to allow me to heal and every day feels painful. It was always going to be hard to forge a friendship as I heal.
I became obsessive, I became angry, I cry all the time. But I know I need to heal and he does too.
It wasn’t easy for him to end it but easier for him to get over it as he experienced this years ago.
Right now I hope we can become friends when I heal.
He made me look at everything that was wrong with me but the changes I am making are not for him in hope that we will get back together, but for me to be a better version than I ever was.
I believe everyone in life has the right to be redeemed and that nobody should be abandoned even if it is an ex partner. I never abandoned my friends when they went through rough times in life and that won’t change. But I have to leave go for now and have no contact until I am fully healed. I want to say I want to heal fast but I can’t dictate that. Could it depend on how fast I can turn my mind into thinking the way he does? He is a great guy and someone I aspire to be like but I am not doing this in hope I will get him back as a partner but hope that I can be in his life as a friend.
I have began to accept he needs space to heal something I didn’t give at the start of all of this.
If we don’t have hope, what else do we have?
Hi Patrick.
Great to have you here.
If your ex doesn’t want to help you heal, you have to do it alone. Stay away from him and focus strongly on yourself and your friends. Your healing depends on your self-esteem, coping mechanisms, and the things you do and don’t do after the breakup. So stay strong and follow the rules of no contact. That way, you’ll recover as fast as you can.
You don’t need to think how your ex does because you’re not in competition with him. You just have to fall in love with yourself and everything will be okay!
Best regards,
Zan
I’m still in the process of getting over my ex.
But there’s something you mentioned in this article that I can relate to. That girl that grew with the wrong mindset, fearing breakups more than anything but being insecure because of past cheatings. That’s me. And I literally had my ex leave me for the same exact reason you left your ex.
I’m trying to adjust that mindset. But it really still bothers me I failed in that last relationship. How do I get through that regret and grow out of the mistakes I made? I’m afraid I’ll make the exact same mistake in my next relationship. It’s not a good feeling, not for me and not for my partner.
My ex left me for the same reason 8 weeks ago. We have a baby together that he has only seen for 1 hour in 9 weeks. Iām absolutely devastated and want him back so much, but Iām working on myself.
Did your ex reach out at all ?
On january 2nd, I made him tell me the truth. I used to ask for months but he denied and promised I was definitely wrong. I was actually right, he was indeed cheating on me for almost 5 months. On july 2019, our relationship was at its worst, but as much I could have imagine. With a 14months old baby, extreme fatigue to become parents and lack of communication, each of us felt isolated and accused each other to be helpless in respective expectation, me about him being by my side with our baby, him about me being more attentive about his needs, sweeter when talking and with more peaceful mood. He started to talk with a girl met at job. Each other confessing their own struggles with their respective partner. Affinities then grow by themselves and conversations quickly turn horny. In front of me, he just let me know how much mad he was on me. I started to make huge efforts to make him comfortable as much as possible, responding to any of his need, request, exigence. Space, time for his sport, time for his job, time for friends, timd for cousins. I stopped asking him anything whatsoever at home, even special Ā«Ā menĀ Ā» tasks! Giving him all attention, love, intimacy he needs. Weeks and months passed by. He kept telling me he needed space and time to think about us and sweared nobody else was in his picture. Now they moved in together with his new partner. Thatās typically a rebond relationship. What hurts me the most is that sheās mom of 2 girls, 11 and 7 yrs old. Heās ready to care for this family and kids whereas abandon his own son. Since january 2nd I felt all stages of emotions any dumpee could. He treatened me so rude, after not seeing our son for almost 3weeks, too busy with his new girlfriend, he required me to let him our son (20months okd then) to introduce him to her as soon as possible. Despite the only favor I asked, it was too quick for me, but he never heared me. After crying whole nights, I decided to let him everything he required, the way he decided, unless our son is not safe, just to bring me peace and drop everything in universeās hands, spiritually talking. I worked hard on me, passed tru all stages of self-blame, grief and abandonment tears, anger…now I am able to not contact him at all, call nor text. Thatās always him doing it first, asking how I am doin, and how our toddler is doin (distinctly each of us baby and me). My answer are short and detached. I begged him during months, cried every night, wondering why anything I did did not make any difference in our couple crisis. Obviously I figured everything out time after!! I canāt tell exactly at which stage of Ā«Ā get over a breakupĀ Ā» I am, but surely I now work on myself and decided to put myself first. For my baby, for me. Even if I still love him, I know I deserve better
Is NC really the best solution? Because he wants to keep contact in order to restore the friendship we had before and perhaps leave a way open, but that only hurts me because heās moving on and Iām still hopeful. I canāt seem to have any friendly talks without dtrs. I didnāt want to block him as it seems very petty…. but on the other hand, everytime he talks to me, for him itās nothing but it makes me cry and edgy as f***! The other day he said either we nurture our connection or Iāll be out of your life ābecause I donāt want to be in someoneās life where Iām not wantedā, when all I ever asked in these 2 months post break up was time.
He doesnāt want to let me go but also doesnāt want to try and make things work.
We live in different countries now, i moved out of the country I was in mostly bc the relationship was so hard and I went through an abortion.
I hate the idea of blocking him…. should I?
Yo Zan!
You gave me a good view on the Point about sharing my dog . This article kind of hits the spot on. In the days of regression i’m looking for any reason to break no contact and to get closer again. I did say to my ex that it is for my own mental health i have to quit sharing the dog. Does this not make me look weak? As long as she can’t even send a simple message about how the dog is doing then why should i even feel bad. She clearly wants me out of her life at this moment. Is it bad for me to still think i Will hear her in the Future again testing the waters? I’m working on myself for myself but one of my Motivations is to be myself again by the day she tests the water or we walk into eachother. It’s been 3months since the breakup and 1month of indefenite NC.
Hi again.
When you said it’s for your own good to stop sharing the dog, she saw you struggling with the break-up. She may or may not understand how difficult it is to get over someone you love, but it’s not really your concern what she thinks right now.
This is your time to recover and improve. The time will come when she reaches out and test the waters.
Until then, stay busy and highly motivated with the things you love.
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan
Your articles as so helpful to me. Im in 12 weeks of NC.
The knowledge, re-assurance and hope it gives me of my recovery and this heart wrenching pain, will eventually go away.
After 11 weeks, I have to say its getting better but there are days when I feel, right back at square one.
I have to keep reminding myself, Im not back at square one but Ive successfully stayed in NC, and that takes real guts and commitment to yourself, so pat yourself on the back and find a ‘feel good’.
You’re right, NC is giving me the ability to look back on my relationship.
Yes there was good times, but there was also red flags which I either ignored or accepted and avoidant behaviour, which as an anxious, totally made me feel inadequate and worthless whilst in that relationship. I deserve better.
AND now thanks to you and I get all this, Im beginning to understand what I need to learn and put in practice for my future relationships – IF NOTHING CHANGES, NOTHING CHANGES.
Im in that stage of my recovery where Im realising the relationship wasn’t perfect, unlike I did in the early weeks of NC where I put her on a pedestal, and what I have to remember so in the future, Im not love bombed and commit to a healthy future relationship that has real empathy, honesty and trust and therefore real love.
As painful as the relationship and NC has been, its clear to me, its lessons I needed to learn and you’re helping me understand and learn from them. I feel good about my future knowing the lessons Ive learned.
Thank you Zan, god bless you and keep up the vital work that help so many.
Hi David.
Thank you for your kind words. I’m glad the articles have helped you through your difficult time. 3-4 months into the break-up is probably the time you gradually start feeling better. If your emotional state improves only by 1% each day, you are going to get better. As long as you are choosing to move on, I can guarantee you will get there.
You are beginning to put yourself first and you know why you deserve better. Your ex needs to come off that pedestal and NC will allow you to do that.
Also, thank you for reminding me about the gradual improvements and regressions. Thanks to you, I added that part in the article.
Stay strong!
Zan