Here are the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumpee. They are truly the worst thing human beings have to experience.
Please note that everyone might not go through these 5 stages of a breakup in the same order. Sometimes a dumpee will experience stage 3 before stage 2 and shift between the two stages multiple times before progressing to the next stage.
This is completely normal because healing isn’t linear. It jumps back and forth, depending on the things the dumpee does and feels and the mistakes he or she makes after the breakup.
With that said, let’s now dive into the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumpee.
1)Denial
This denial stage of a breakup comes as a shock to dumpees because dumpees refuse to accept reality. They think their ex will change his or her mind and that their relationship can survive anything – even breakups and infidelities.
This stage can last anywhere from one day to a week. It depends mainly on the dumpee’s breakup plan, hope (or false hope), and self-esteem.
In the denial stage of a breakup, dumpees often tell themselves, “She didn’t mean it, she’ll be back, she’s just having a bad day.” They’re so deep in denial that they try to protect themselves from the truth (which is the harsh reality) and keep hoping that their ex will come back.
Because dumpees conclude that the breakup is indeed happening, emotions soon take over. And that’s when they sometimes start begging and pleading, promising to change, stalking their ex, and reasoning with their ex.
Dumpees use logic to attempt to win their ex back even though dumpers are highly emotional and aren’t capable of seeing things the way dumpees do. They’ve already made up their mind and want to go through with the breakup no matter what.
Dumpees are tired of staying committed to someone they associated negative thoughts and feelings with.
The harder dumpees try to reconcile in this stage, the more frustrated dumpers become, and the less they want to be with their dumpees.
So if you just got dumped and you’re in immense pain, this is the time to tell your ex that you accept the break-up and wish your ex well. You should also consider removing reminders of your ex from your phone and house by storing them in a box and moving them out of reach.
Most dumpees wait at least a few weeks before they delete their ex’s pictures and unfollow their ex. Try to do this a bit sooner so you can stop obsessing about the things that remind you of your ex. Remember that your goal is to focus on yourself and forget about your ex as soon as possible.
2)Depression
One of the worst stages of a breakup for the dumpee is the depression stage.
This stage can last from the moment dumpees accept the breakup up until several months later. Its duration varies for each person because it depends on how invested the dumpee was in the relationship.
Some symptoms of depression include a lack of sleep/energy/motivation, loss of appetite, negative thoughts, overthinking, self-blaming, reimagining the breakup, dreaming about the dumper, visualizing being happy with the dumper, and seeing signs from the universe about the dumper coming back.
Separation anxiety can make the dumpee imagine and do all sorts of things. It can make the dumpee act on fears and force the dumpee to end up angering and repulsing the dumper. Desperation after the breakup normally causes the dumpee even more anxiety and makes him or her more dependent on the dumper for self-love and self-acceptance.
Because the dumpee is going through the worst pain of his or her life, the dumpee then mistakes pain for regret and puts the dumper on a pedestal. This is how the dumpee becomes obsessed with the dumper and hopes to hear from him or her soon.
It’s extremely difficult to focus on yourself and forget about your ex in this stage because every fiber in your body tells you to focus on your ex and get your ex back. But despite your heart aching for your ex, you need to be strong and try to do things that make you happy.
You need to spend time with friends and family and do what you would if you had never met your ex.
Now that you’re depressed, it’s also time to reflect on the relationship and identify the relationship killers that destroyed your relationship. Waste no time. Start improving your shortcomings, getting out of your comfort zone, and striving to become the best version of yourself.
If your ex never comes back, someone else will appreciate the new and improved you. Someone who actually deserves you.
3)Anger
Anger occurs a few weeks into the breakup. It happens when the dumpee recovers from the shock of the breakup and becomes ready to stand up for himself or herself. That’s when the dumpee may or may not reach out to the dumper and take his/her anger out on the dumper.
The dumpee could do things that hurt the dumper because doing so would validate the dumpee. It’d tell the dumpee that he or she can affect the dumper’s thoughts, emotions, and actions and that he or she is more powerful and important than the dumper thinks.
Of course, not all dumpees go ballistic after the breakup and take revenge. Most dumpees just feel that their ex did them dirty and that they didn’t deserve to be abandoned and/or treated poorly.
Needless to say, anger is a part of the detachment process and helps the dumpee regain his or her composure and get out of the depression.
To deal with it, I suggest that you implement different relaxation techniques to reduce stress and anger. It will help you avoid doing something that destroys what’s left of the relationship.
No matter how angry you feel, don’t become vengeful and make the dumper regret meeting you. It might make you feel better at first, but you’ll most definitely regret your actions later down the road.
Remember that karma will get your ex on its own when the time is right. You don’t need to do anything to punish your ex.
4)Acceptance
A few months after the breakup, the dumpee will recover at last and notice the negative parts of the relationship.
The dumpee will see the dumper for the person he or she is because the dumpee will finally take off his or her rose-tinted glasses and might even be glad that the relationship has come to an end.
Because of detachment, the dumpee essentially discerns that he or she deserves to be happy and that waiting for the dumper to come back is a waste of energy and time. This is because he or she comes to terms with the end of the relationship and becomes ready to date other people.
When the dumpee reaches acceptance, the dumpee no longer needs the dumper to be happy. He or she can just focus on himself or herself and leave the past behind.
That’s what detachment does for the dumpee. It enables the dumpee to detach from the dumper and fall back in love with himself/herself.
Detachment feels amazing. It’s often extremely empowering as the dumpee no longer has obsessive thoughts and separation anxiety. He or she is finally emotionally free and ready to move on.
5)Recovery
In the recovery stage of a breakup, dumpees become completely independent. They no longer have feelings for their ex and can just go on with their lives peacefully.
Time away from their ex allows them to heal and find happiness within themselves again. Life also becomes fun and exciting again because they see the light at the end of the tunnel. This is normally the time when dumpers notice dumpees’ happiness and reach out to find out how they’re doing.
Sometimes dumpers contact their exes to see what they’re up to, and other times, they reach out to boost their egos and relieve their guilt. As a dumpee, you need to figure out what dumpers want so you don’t let them trigger your anxiety and crave them again.
You can do that by asking them direct questions and avoiding unnecessary conversations.
To conclude, here’s what getting over the breakup time frame looks like for the dumpee.
If you enjoyed this article, feel free to also check out the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper. It might help you to know what your ex is thinking and feeling.
Are you going through these 5 stages of a breakup for the dumpee yourself? Is there anything we left out? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
And if you want to talk to us about the breakup stages, go to our coaching page to sign up for coaching.
I am about 6 months into a breakup as a dumpee. I can state that everything in this article is true (so far) at least. I would describe myself as being in the early to middle stage of acceptance. Yes, detachment feels amazing. I’ve also since come to realize that I really wasn’t all that happy in the relationship either. Depression was absolutely painful and easily the worst experience of my life. Anger was good as it helped to lift me out of my depression. However, it was unhealthy in other ways. I also believe I alternated between depression and anger. I’m very much looking forward to the relief stage.
I don’t know what stage my ex is in as I’m not in her head. However, she is clearly past elation. She certainly doesn’t seem nearly as happy as she did in the early days of the breakup. And I find myself caring less about her which is a good feeling.
Hi James.
It means you’re healing nicely. You’re progressing through the stages and realizing that your ex is not that special. This is good as it shows you’re going to let go of your ex soon.
Stay in NC and you’ll recover fully!
Best regards,
Zan
Hello.
I’m a dumpee that got dumped just over a month ago. We were together for 11 years and he dumped me out of nowhere. I know we were having some issues, but didn’t realize he was ready to step away from our love. We are still living together with our daughter because we don’t have the finances to move out. I’ve been trying so hard to leave him alone but I’m really bad at it. Today I was weak and I sent him many long messages about my mistakes and how badly I want to fix what is broken. This conversation made him angry with me, and he said many of the hurtful things he said when he broke up with me.
My question is, did I fuck it up for good? Since I begged and overly apologized, does that mean he’ll be forever turned off from repairing our relationship?
All I want is for him to come back to me. And I can wait as long as necessary, but I just want to know if that’s even possible in this situation.
Hi Kaylynn.
It’s not the begging that turned him off but the behavior you displayed during the relationship. That made him angry and resentful, and will need some time to undo. From now on, do your best to avoid breakup mistakes such as apologizing, begging, and talking to him. You need to give him enough space to process the separation.
Also, work on letting go of hope. There’s no guarantee he’ll return.
Sincerely,
Zan
I am the dumpee in my situation. It was a bad breakup from a 4 year relationship, both sides made mistakes like using words to hurt each other, using things to incite jealousy. However, my stages seem to be a mix of dumper and dumpee. It’s been just over a month of no contact since the breakup. The first 3 weeks I was elated and so relieved from all the pressure of being around the dumper. During the 4th week, I started to feel extreme guilt for how I handled the situation and started to miss the dumper, for the first time since no contact. I reached out with a sincere (no finger pointing, but, if) apology through email. Received no response. My questions are, where am I in my stages of a breakup? And where do I go from here?
Hi Emma.
It’s possible you were (partially) detached from your ex at the time of the breakup due to hurt feelings and unprocessed anger. Since you felt relieved, you must be going through the dumper stages, with the addition of feeling remorse for behaving impulsively/vengefully.
I thnk you realized your reaction was wrong and are now trying to make amends. Due to the complexity of the relationship or the way it ended, you now feel confused and nostalgic. Give it some time and you’ll get through this, Emma.
Your ex also feels hurt, so stop reaching out. Go no contact and stay in it at least until you’ve forgiven each other.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan, thanks for your response. My ex replied today to my apology letter (3 weeks after i sent it) and it was a huge slew of non stop accusations. What would be the best way to approach this?
Hi Emma.
Say that you appreciate his response and that you need space now. Don’t think of it as a chance to be friends/get back together.
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan. I am writing this hoping that you may help me determine which stage of the breakup for the dumpee, am at.
Well, I don’t know exactly how much time has elapsed since the breakup, since it was very tricky and extremely ugly one. But, It can stretch from 3 months and half to nearly two months.
Now, I am still having a lot of ups and downs. But with a more alleviated intensity from one cycle to the following.
I have given up all thoughts of taking revenge at my ex.
I have started building my financial life nearly from scratch. Moreover, I have cut all possible channels and ties with her.
In addition, I don’t feel any urgent need to call her or to receive a call from her.l am trying to live my life with my limited options and ressources.
Meanwhile , I am thirsty to move on and turn the page for good.
But a deep-inside anger still overwhelms me from time to time. Because I have been really hurt for a long time before, and shortly after the breakup.
Hi Hannibal.
You are somewhere between anger and acceptance. You probably need a couple more months to fully transition to the acceptance phase.
Hang in there!
Zan
Hi, I hope this won’t be too long, thank you if you reply.
Me and my ex were together for almost 2 years, but it felt like it was much longer. We constantly had outside difficulties in our relationship but we always knew that we loved each other so much that none of that mattered, we could get through all of the problems together, and we did. We got unofficially married a bit over a year into our relationship. And no, it wasn’t just because of the honeymoon stage, we were over that by the time of the wedding. It was a beautiful day and he wrote the most beautiful vow you can imagine, every guest cried, obviously me too.
In the last month of the relationship I noticed that he became a bit less invested. This is about 5 months after the wedding. He did way less small things for me, but that’s about it. He kept saying how lucky he considers himself to have found me, how I’m his soulmate, and even 2 or 3 weeks before the breakup we talked about names for our potential future kids, our future house when we’re old and rich, how we’ll slow dance in the kitchen with our 23 cats. But he used to get me flowers, he no longer did unless I loudly said in the store, hey those flowers are so pretty. Or he’d offer a massage, but now he only did if he wanted me to massage him as well.
In the last few weeks of the relationship we started arguing about how much time he spends with his work friends. He finished late at work but he stayed several hours almost every day even when I said I felt lonely or I didn’t want to go to sleep alone. We were both at fault. He did spend most of his free time with them, excluding me but I do realize why he did that. At this time I couldn’t work for a few months (starting from right after the wedding) and he started saying how he needs more time alone because every time he’s not at work he’s at home and since I’m always at home he doesn’t have his private time. I completely get this, even though I’m wired differently, a few months before this it was the opposite, I was working and he wasn’t, and I liked never being alone. But I had to bring it up to him that he spends most of his free time with his friends from work, so I’m not even the one to take away from his alone time. He didn’t have a comeback for that.
Whatever, I’ll try to make this shorter since otherwise it’ll become a novel. We had a huge arguement about me feeling like he’s neglecting me and him basically saying that I’m clingy. I think we were both right to a point. He said he doesn’t want to make the marriage official yet. To this I obviously reacted very scared and I demanded that he decides that day if he wants to break up or not. He ended up not deciding, but not deciding also points to a breakup. He said he was confused about everything so he needs to sort out his thoughts but he never did. A few days later I offered to go on a break, he agreed to that idea. I asked him to talk about the boundaries and rules of the break but we never got around to it, he got overwhelmed. I said to him, someone who loves me doesn’t do this, and asked if he fell out of love with me, he said he thinks so. That was the first night since we first moved in together that we didn’t sleep in the same bed. The next morning I asked if he wants a breakup instead of a break and he said yes. Strangely I didn’t cry or make a scene, I was sad but I just said okay. That night we slept in the same bed. The next day he drove me to the airport which took more than 2 hours. We’re originally from different countries, I was gonna come home for a while anyway, but this made it permanent. On the drive we actually did talk, I said to him how he can always count on me, he said it back. He kept touching my leg, stroking my arm. On the way he said “I love you” at least 3 times, and it was always him first who said it. I didn’t really understand. He started joking about how when we’ll meet in a few months (we said we would, to give each other our things we left and to properly have closure and talk things through) we’ll probably end up having sex. Later he claimed he said that because he wanted to show that he still feels close to me and it was only a joke. When we said goodbye he gave me a very heated kiss, we made out for a few minutes. That night we talked, nothing crazy, just how our days were and he said he was sad earlier but now he’s better. That wasn’t even 48 hours after the breakup. And in the last 2 days we spent together we kept not being able to not kiss, even if it ended up just being a peck on the lips, so I’d definitely say there’s still attraction, he hasn’t seen me since our last kiss.
Fast forward to now. I broke no contact after 2 weeks, I sent him a pretty straight forward message, saying that I’m ready to talk if he is. He texted me back after almost a day, usually he’s a fast replier. I quote, “I don’t have anything to say but I’ll listen to you because I want to give you closure”. Nothing to say, after 2 years of considering me his soulmate, and ending things by saying he’s confused. I read your articles so I’m pretty sure it was just GIGS, he just didn’t know what to call it. I asked him several times during the breakup if there was someone else, he swore there wasn’t. On the drive to the airport I asked if he’ll start dating XYZ (a girl from his work who he became great friends with, a few months prior I had a dream that he cheated on me with her, I told him and he assured me it was irrational, he loves me to death and besides, this girl is SO not her type. I’ve seen his exes and I know myself, this girl is indeed not his type). He said no, they won’t date, they’re too good friends. 3 weeks after the breakup they both posted that they started dating. He took her to the bar where we became official, in the jacket I got him. We talked a few times since then, he texted me a few times first, but they were always because of things we HAD to discuss (we have cats together and he’s taking care of them and one of them is dying…), I contacted him a few times, mostly not because of important stuff, things like hey can you please send me a picture of something, never ‘hey, how are you’. He became very angry. I read your article about the stages of a breakup for the dumper and he’s definitely in the first 2 stages. He always talks to me as if I did something to offend him (I never cheated, never lied, never was rude to him, our fights never got too personal, they were never about each others’ faults), he doesn’t feel indifferent, he feels angry which I guess is better for me. Now he blocked me everywhere, he unblocked me a few times to tell me things but nothing important, besides that our cat is dying and no, I can’t videochat with the cat because it’s staying at the new girlfriend’s house and it would be awkward. I do agree with that but does that mean he would allow me to see my cat if it wasn’t in that house? He said he blocked me because we’ve been talking too much and he doesn’t want to anymore. We really didn’t talk that much and it was never about us or emotions. But I guess he doesn’t want to face someone he VOWED to love, til death do us part and then he just changed his mind, saying he doesn’t think we can fix the arguements and the relationship, even though we never even tried.
My friend who still follows him on insta told me he posts way more than he did before, constant pictures and stories of them being happy together, almost too happy. He apparently posted his chat with the new girlfriend, it was something about listening to abba. Important note here, I introduced him to abba, I showed him mamma mia for the first time, he started loving them so much most of our wedding playlist and our first dance was abba. So I’m wondering, is he almost trying to recreate our relationship, with the bar, the jacket and now this? I might be delusional, I’m still very much depressed about it.
Obviously I don’t want false hope and probably most dumpees feel like this, but it truly feels like this is not the end for us, he still hasn’t even processed it, he did consider me the love of his life, I know that wasn’t a lie but now he’s acting like he never even wanted to date or marry me in the first place. I know it doesn’t make a difference since I’m blocked but I decided to go into indefinite no contact. If he ever texts me and I can see that it finally hit him I might give us a chance, but it’s only been 3 months, it’ll be many more before the new relationship’s honeymoon phase is over and he starts missing me and wondering if it was a mistake. I don’t want to block him since I’m wondering what’s going on with my cat and if he dies I’d wanna know. He’s restricted so I don’t get a notification if he texts and I’m not constantly checking his name and our chat.
I guess my question is, if anybody actually took the time to read all that, is this new relationship a rebound? Seems like it but my intrusive thoughts tell me what if they’ll be happier than we were (even old relatives and bitter people said they’ve never seen two people more suited for each other and in a more loving relationship and we both felt like that). I also need to hear the truth, if you think there’s a chance he’ll come back. He’s acting rude now but not even his family recognizes him, they all say he changed and he’s unrecognizable, he’s partying, drinking a lot, mostly living at his new girlfriend’s house. If he changes back to his old, original self I’d want to give us a chance. I know we’re all just people with different experiences and opinions, so whatever you say I’ll probably still have hope for a few more months but I really want to hear what other people think about my situation.
Thank you in advance! xx
Hi Honor.
I don’t think his new relationship is a rebound. He seems detached and disinterested, so he’s probably ready to date the new woman. The guy clearly lost feelings for you. Maybe he met someone else and got temtped or perhaps he just got overwhelmed with all the arguments and lack of freedom. It’s not your fault he felt trapped and unhappy. He should have discussed it with you and devised a plan to feel in control of his life.
Since he didn’t do that, he basically waited for you to bring up the breakup or a “break” and give up on the relationship. Best you can do is give them space and focus on yourself. You’re no longer responsible for communication and love. Now it’s time to let him go through new relationship stages and do the work.
Best,
Zan
hey… sorry this will be kinda long.
my ex broke up with me on 24/3/2023..
its a long distance relationship that lasted one year. we had plans to meet and marry..etc. at the start of our relationship i lied to him about my age, then i told him my real age and he chose to stay with me, im older than him. it was challenging,cuz his family wont approve our relationship cuz of the age gap.
our relationship got worse after i found out him chatting with some girl, and he was giving stupid explanations to who was she and all. also he’s been hiding stuff from me, he was using a disc acc that he said many times he doesnt use, and ofc that girl was on that acc along wiht other ppl. so he was hiding stuff and when i found out about all of his secret activities he tried to blame it all on me, we had many fights ever since . and after a week he asked for a break. i couldnt stay away so i texted him and he got mad at first then said we can text every 2 days at night till the break is over “which was supposed to be a month”
i texted him the day we were supposed to talk, but not at night, during the day and he got so mad!! we had a fight, and he just said “im done” and blocked me everywhere, even on spotify. and honestly that drove me nuts… i used another number to contact him and he immediately blocked me. i tired calling his family and he also blocked me there.
had to buy several phone numbers to contact him, and i say several cuz he was blocking me each time., and he was saying a lot of hurtful stuff ,like really really hurtful.
when his family asked whats going and why am i calling them, he told them that i lied about my age for one whole year and when he just discovered it he broke up with me and now im harassing him!!! they didnt know about me being older than him btw.. and like i said he knew my age long time ago and stayed with me!!!
me trying to contact him using other phone numbers lasted 2 weeks, and then i found out that he was cheating on me with a 16 years old teen???, my ex is 23 years old. , the girl sent me their convos, he was trying to sexually talk to her. so i texted him the screenshots of the convo and he was like ” yeah i did things, cuz i stopped loving u months ago, u just kept me with u by force” butthat period of time he had this sexual talks with this teen, we were loveydovey and good?!!! .. and like 2 weeks ago i found out that he is flirting with another girl, and he prolly dating her, just one month after we broke up… idk what to do, i still stalk his socials and all and i feel really lonely, we used to spend 24/7 hours together and now im all on my own.
i forgot to mention, that before me, he used to flirt day and night with a girl in a server. it was like they were gonna date or sum, . and when i started to talk to him he kinda ditched that girl like she was nothing and started to be with me all the time till we got in a relationship. note: i didnt know about this girl till later,motnhs after we started dating idk if that says anything about him as a person.
i also had an active server with a lot of friends, he was managed to make us leave them all and be all alone saying ” u want to be woth other ppl but i can just be satisfied with talking to you, and only you.i dont need these online ppl” he used to always blame me for all of our fights, he used to make big fights over stupid little stuff” and used to drag the fights for 2 days everytime,
but he was also good or was i blinded by love, idk, after the breakup he was saying that he used to be a good person and i changed him to a bad person??? made me question myself a lot of times..but like i did see a lot of red flags but i was so in love with him and i just ignored and focused only on the good in him
Hi Elle.
The guy cheated and fell out of love. He’s not worth the chase. Love yourself instead of him by cutting him out of your life. You can do this, Elle. But you have to be strong and remember that he did the same thing to the girl before you. He’s not ready for a serious relationship. He still sees himself as a victim and is incapable of growing in ways he needs to.
No contact all the way, Elle. You didn’t make him into a bad person. He was already immoral before you met him.
Kind regards,
Zan
hey zan, he didnt date the girl before me, just flirting day and night with her like they were about to date “the stage before dating”.
2 weeks ago he put my body pic on steam as his pfp and wrote some offensive stuff about me for my friend to see. and i didn’t respond or do anything. and 2 days ago, he removed the pic and added this line >> ” And im not gonna use your body, i can use your non filter face to show who you are really but i will have a bit respect to you sadly and unnecessarily” im wondering why did he do this after 2 weeks of me not responding and not contacting him at all. idk what respect is he talking about lol, he didnt delete any of his offensive words and just added that line..
i started NC 2 weeks ago. and i must say,nothing helped me more than reading ur articles. i spent a lot of time just reading them and they helped me so much, i was worried anxious and all and felt good and at peace after understanding everything about breakups so thank you!
Hi Elena.
Your ex is furious. Clearly, he wants you to suffer and give him an empowering reaction. I suggest you stay in no contact and continue not to react. He’ll cool off soon and realize that he went too far. He finally showed you who he was, Elena. Take what he does seriously so you don’t contact him and think the relationship deserves another shot.
You’ll be better off without him! Thanks for reading the blog and let me know if I can help.
Kind regards,
Zan
hi zane,
its really sad cuz i really believed he was decent ,good and honest, it was really a slap in the face that he turned out to be bad.
one whole year and i didn’t see who he really was. ii was so blind and stupid.
i am not gonna respond or react to anything he does/says. and the steam thing is nothing compared to the bad stuff he did/said after the break up. i really can’t believe this is the same guy i was with for one year, its like he is a new person that i never knew. that nice cool well mannered guy was just fake..
and the fact that he lied to his family/friends and told them i lied about my age this whole year is just wow.. i was honest with him and he knew my age since the beginning … how he manipulated and twisted the truth and lied to them just to be the victim is just shocking ,annoying ,unfairrrrr and immature af, now his family thinks im the bad one and their son is the poor victim.
and the way he is acting now eh, he really does believe his own lie and thats just funny and im like wtf..
does he really think and believe hes the victim or does he know he is bad? i wonder.
Hi Elle Mar.
Love blinds people. It makes them see the best of their partner and neglects the bad parts. Breakups often open dumpees’ eyes and shock them as they get to know the real side of the person they love.
He definitely considers himself a victim. He told himself lies enough times to believe them. You should distance yourself completely so you don’t know what he’s saying and doing. That’s how you’ll stop caring about him and get yourself back.
Best,
Zan
Thats insane! to believe something u know isnt true ..A LIE! at least i comfort myself with the truth, he comforts himself with lies, kinda pathetic.
He was playing the victim rule so perfectly lol eventho he knew he was nothing but a disgusting cheater, he thought i’d never know, but god wanted me to see who he really was. Now all that guilt he made me feel after the break up, blaming it all on me is almost gone. i was true, honest loyal and loved him unconditionally while he was just a manipulator, pathological liar, narcissist, cheater and a PEDO WHO USED TO SEXUALLY TALK WITH a 16 years old girl!
my brain cant process the fact that he was yelling at me after the breakup when i used to contact him, blaming me for ruining us saying im broken and im never to have a happy relationship cuz of how broken i am ” CUZ I HAVE TRUST ISSUES and used to doubt he was cheating” saying he was loyal and honest and good and all and im the evil monster who ruined us.. YEA SURE OK MANIPULATOR. how can ppl do thissss act like theyre GOOD WELL MANNERED WHEN THEYRE NOPTHING BUT TRASH
Hi Elle.
He was extermely angry and said lots of nasty things. He didn’t realize he was the one with problems and that what he was doing was a projection. If you had trust issues, he should have been sympathetic towards them. But instead, he blamed you for them and made you feel as if you were the source of all problems. That’s something an immature person or a narcissist does.
You can do better, Elle!
Best regards,
Zan
the screenshot of his convo with that 16 years old girl, where he was sexually talking to her was on 25 oct 2022.. i was reading my convos with him yesterday, i read 28 oct 2022 convo, where we had a fight and he was yelling at me saying how loyal, goooood and honest he is and im insane and crazy for doubting him ..etc .. like REALLY?!
again, i didnt know that time that he was cheating, i was just doubting, i only knew about it 2 weeks AFTER we broke up when i contacted that girl and she told me.
Im sorry for venting like this eh
hi zane, i havent reacted to his stuff since one months and 2 weeks and today he again changed his steam name, this time he named put my age and name in it and callled me a whore ” years old whore named elena” why?i havent talked to texted or called or did anything at all and now after one month n 2 weeks he is doing this? im confused?
Hi Elle.
His ego must be hurt. Don’t let it get to you. He’s showing his maturity and pride.
Don’t react and keep healing.
Zan
Hi Zan
Are these timescales faster if the dumpee has been through a relationship break down in the past so knows that all we be fine in the end?
Hi Paul.
It usually does because breakups make him stronger and less hopeless.
Best,
Zan
Zan,
I need your help my ex broke up with me in august 2022 she said she lost feelings. I reached out after the break up and she was mean and said “ I don’t want to be with you” and “I’m not in love with you” she breadcrumb me once after a short period of NC but I chased and got blocked. I am a few months in NC. I love her and we had so many great memories I just don’t believe she doesn’t have feelings for me. I am still blocked to my knowledge. Any advice helps?
Hi Erik.
You have to listen to what she says as she’s telling the truth. The girl has detached feelings and associated smothering emotions with you. You have to leave her alone, accept the situation, and move on. She’ll need to fail badly before she can reflect on what she had with you and want it again.
Kind regards,
Zan
Zan thank you for responding unfortunately she got in a new relationship with her ex they broke up but she never reached out. It hurts to know she doesn’t care about me but I will move on 6 months of no contact has made me stronger.
Hang in there, Erik!
Try to focus on yourself from now on rather than them. Your ex has some lessons to learn whereas you need to heal.
Best regards,
Zan
This article resonates with me. I was blindsided recently and even up to the breakup made me believe everything was okay. I have been putting in the effort and trying to be a better version of myself, getting the help I need and face my emotions head on so I can recover in a healthy and mature way. Although I’ve heard through the grapevine that my ex is not handling it well and bad mouthing me considering he was the one who wanted to be “friends and not be a stranger” to me yet now, he is avoiding me.
A few months ago, I would have been really stressed and anxious regarding it, but now, I know the problem isn’t with me. I still have ups and downs but now it’s pockets of bad moments instead of pockets of good moments, if that makes sense.
Hi CR.
You make perfect sense. You’ve detached and started seeing things from a different perspective, so you know your ex’s problems are his alone. He can blame you all he wants, but he’s only making things difficult for himself and his next relationship.
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex got back 10 months after our breakup. I was the dumpee and I suffered a lot, but decided to go no-contact right after the breakup.
During these months I realized our relationship was not as wonderful as I thought, I focused on my needs, I went to therapy, and my life got so much better.
10 months ago all I wished was reuniting with my ex. Now I can see how wrong I was. So this is a message for all the dumpees: I know you are going through hell right now, but it will go better, I promise. Even if you feel like you should reunite with your ex, that’s okay, but let HIM/HER initiating this. Focus on yourself.
Maybe your story will be different than mine, cause today I really don’t want to get back with my ex, but for now go no-contact, take care, love yourself.
Thank you Zan – will never be able to thank you enough for all the no-contact lessons.
Hi Rachel.
I’m proud of you for detaching and realizing that your ex wasn’t your ideal partner. After the breakup, there were clearly issues you were willing to neglect because of the pain your ex has caused you. But once you recovered, you reflected and noticed your ex wasn’t worth the effort.
Stay healthy!
Zan
The Timeframe for me has been much longer,her affair really didn’t go anywhere to be honest,it panned out over 8 months,but they saw each other twice within the first month,he dumped her,we went on lockdown,he kept her at arms length on various apps,we went on lockdown,and she just touched base with him for that time,she moved out to his area,pursued him with the “Look I am living on my own now bait,,ok two months and he then rekindled and did sleep with her,but dumped her for good two months later,everyone knew he was a player but her 🙄 when he dumped her 8 months had lapsed,I got her to move back,separate rooms,and we have cohabited ever since,,,it’s not been emotionally easy,and has maybe prolonged my pain,stress,depression and anxiety,,,but things have got better,less animosity,gradually calming down her drinking and partying ways
Hi Terry.
Thanks for sharing your breakup experience with us. Your ex will need some time to process the latest separation as she got her heart crushed. You should not keep your expectations low so you don’t pressure her or make her feel guilty.
I can’t promise that she’ll want you back because most dumpers want their ex back right away. Best to keep detaching and focusing on yourself.
Kind regards,
Zan
Though your article is informative, most of it is true however not all of it is true. Both people go through those stages not just the dumpee. You should not demonize the other party just because you’re in pain or you’re holding some kind of resentment towards someone who dumped you. You don’t know what’s going on in someone’s relationship for that person to have come to the decision to dump someone or even how hard it was for them to do so. You should not demonize the other party because of your own opinions based off your own resentments (my assumptions only) . Any breakup for both parties is painful regardless of who did what when where why or how. It’s still an emotional connection and part of you that you shared with the other person, therefore you’re both going to go through those stages of grief. Other than this your article was very well informed. I would just try to refrain from my own biased opinions and stick to thr facts.
“If you’re the person who was broken up with, it might take you a bit longer to accept what’s happened. But it’s also not easy to be the person who makes the decision to end a relationship.”
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/stages-of-breakup
“For that person, there may have been a period of time when they were deliberating their decision and trying to figure out what they wanted to do. “It’s still very painful to break up with someone,” licensed clinical social worker Jordan Aura-Gullick, LCSW, explains to mbg, “and if you’re the person who did the breaking up, you probably already resolved your reasons why.” This can make it a bit easier to move through phases like shock and denial, but the breakup can still feel jarring.
Hi Destiny.
Dumpees and dumpers go through different breakup stages. Although it can be difficult for dumpers to stay away from the dumpee, it’s nowhere near as difficult for them as it is for their ex. This is because their pain is fueled by guilt and throwing away a relationship rather than feelings of rejection and fears of the unknown. As a dumpee, you don’t need to demonize your ex. But you do need to understand that your ex isn’t as perfect as you’re making him or her out to be. Your perception of the dumper is clouded by your pain.
You have to keep in mind why breakups happen, Destiny. You can make it look like people just grow apart or aren’t meant for each other, but that’s what quitters want you to believe. Couples can change and adapt like cockroaches if they want to. The problem is that most of them don’t. Because of a lack of gratitude, self-awareness, and willingness to grow, they lose the will to fight and start looking for excuses when they should be working extra hard to understand why they don’t feel the way they do. Only couples who become aware of their negative thinking patterns can resolve them.
And yes, dumpers do contemplate leaving the relationships for days, weeks, or months. They have doubts and let their doubts destroy whatever feelings they have left for the relationship.
Kind regards,
Zan
Yes, this graph has sure helped me as well and has been pretty spot on for what I went through. I was in the denial stage for awhile. Longer than I care to remember or admit to after 15 year marriage. Forced me to look at and figure out why that was.. fear of abandonment kept me in denial.. past hurts with parents divorce needed to be addressed and worked through from a young age. Although once I accepted the reality of my situation with my husband, and his master plan.. and how he was a hundred steps ahead of me, and nothing I said or did mattered, I began to take care of myself and look more objectively at the situation. With the help of a therapist & divorce recovery group I started to make progress. And find my joy again. It’s a process and recovery doesn’t happen in a straight line. Learning to be kind and gentle with myself. Some days are still difficult but my bounce back time is shorter. I’m a work in progress, not perfect, and have accepted my role in the demise of the relationship. Also gotten out of the fantasy of what I thought I had. Taking it one day at a time. Excited for the future but also not worrying about it either. Life is short, and why the heck would I want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with me? Or waste my energy & time trying to convince someone of my value? Some of my efforts are embarrassing but at the same time I’m glad I tried. There are a billion people on the planet why am I so hyper focused on this one person who has rejected me? Do I actually even want to be with this person after what I discovered? Addiction, affairs etc. Such betrayal & deep hurt. Do I value myself so little that I would accept this? It’s like wake up Leah. My marriage ending, while sad and would not wish this pain on anyone, I also see it as a blessing in disguise as I worked through issues with my parents and myself. I’m not sure I would have, had the situation not occurred.
Maybe part of what I’ve shared will help someone out there. Be good to yourself and know it does get easier. Seek help when needed. So much support out there. So many people have gone through this, you’re not alone. ❤ Leah
I hear you and I can relate.
You make some excellent points.
I will say that being on the downside of the graph seems like its moving at hyper speed and I hope I can keep up.
Best of luck in your recovery Leah and hope your future shines bright.
Stay Strong,
Not sure if it may help any one, but the graph of getting over the break up time frame has been very helpful to me. I placed both the Dumpee and Dumpers progress Denial /Relief , Anger/Elation etc. on the graph then I named the month of the breakup July (for me) and ran it out for a year. I look at this timeline and stand in amazement of how close it is to reality. I know I have a long way to go but it lets me look at it and see not only how far I have came but that the end is near .
Thanks for sharing this with us, Mark.
I hope you get through all the stages fast.
Zan