If you messed up with your girlfriend and she dumped you, you probably want to buy her gifts, apologize profusely, and show up at her place unannounced just to win her back. You want to say and do whatever it takes just to get another chance with her and receive her love again.
Before you get on your knees and beg, you need to know something very important. When an ex-girlfriend, ex-fiance, or ex-wife dumps you, she’s in complete control of the breakup and doesn’t want or need any more power and control.
She already has power and doesn’t want to see you beg and plead because such behavior empowers her in ways that don’t help with the reconciliation.
You would think that begging an ex to reconsider the breakup would work in your favor, but the truth is that your ex had already decided to break up long before she hit you with it and that refusing to accept her offer (the breakup) only makes make her more angry and frustrated.
It makes her annoyed because you refused to listen or change throughout the relationship and are trying to reason with her now that she’s furious and not in a state to be reasoned with. People are willing to talk about various relationship problems when there’s a relationship to talk about, not when they’re done with the relationship and feel overwhelmed with smothering breakup emotions.
So forget about convincing your ex to give you another chance if she’s hurt and furious. Anger is a self-protective emotion that will reject your pleas, suggestions, and demands and make you feel worse than you already feel.
If you want to make things right with the dumper who broke up with you because of something you did or didn’t do, you mustn’t chase the woman, promise to change, or ask her to give you one last chance. As we’ve discussed, desperation has the opposite of the desired effect. Instead of making the dumper sympathize with you and respect you, it angers her and makes her trust you and want to be with you less.
What you must do is much simpler than you may think. All you have to do is apologize once for the things you think you did wrong and give your ex space. You need to give her space (1) because she’s asked for it and (2) because you need to keep your composure and protect your dignity and self-esteem.
If you apologize excessively, you most likely won’t get on your ex’s good side and encourage her to give you another chance. Pity doesn’t work that way as it tends to ruin the dumper’s image of you and makes it less feasible for her to see you as the man you were and can be.
Today’s post is for guys who want to know how to win a woman back after hurting her. We’ll talk about what your ex needs to forgive you for hurting her and what you need and should do to attract her back.
How to win her back after hurting her?
Apologize, don’t beg. That’s the advice you’re looking for. Many guys turn into fixers and try to single-handedly repair the relationship they broke, but little do they know that after the breakup, their ex is not capable and willing to fix things.
She’s much more interested in leaving the relationship behind and taking care of her own needs and wants. It’s why she decided to break up. She wanted to be free of pain caused by commitment.
I know this is not easy to read, but that’s how dumpers feel. They don’t want to talk about the breakup or anything related to it because conversations about such matters make them feel uncomfortable and overwhelmed. Breakup topics and reminders of their ex put a lot of expectations on them and make them feel guilty and worried that they aren’t good enough to meet their ex’s needs.
And that’s not something you want to trigger in your ex as you don’t want your ex to feel overburdened and responsible for the end of the relationship.
You must understand that your ex thinks she isn’t responsible. She feels she’s the victim, which is why you should refrain from saying things that could guilt-trip her, put pressure on her, and force her to defend herself.
If you don’t know what things you shouldn’t be saying, here are a few examples:
- I’m so so sorry. Please forgive me. I won’t do it again. It was a mistake.
- I love you so much please take me back.
- How can I prove that I’m going to change?
- I’m willing to do anything you want me to do. Just don’t leave. I need you. Think about us and everything we’ve been through.
- I did everything for you and forgave you for your mistakes. I deserve a second chance.
- It’s not as bad as you think. We can work through this together. We always have. Don’t give up now.
You should instead say something like:
- I think I understand how you feel. I wish I’d realized this/listened to you sooner.
- I’m sorry for hurting you. I hope you can forgive me one day.
- Thanks for telling me this. I hope you feel better soon.
- I know you need some space right now. Rest assured that I’ll give you space now and let you focus on yourself.
- We both have some things to work on and issues to figure out. I think the breakup happened for a good reason and that it will help us address those issues.
Winning your ex-girlfriend back after hurting her doesn’t require hard work and perseverance as it’s often portrayed in the movies. It requires understanding, patience, and time apart from each other as those things give your ex what she needs to feel relaxed.
You have to know that your ex has to determine your worth on her own. If you try to meddle with her way of thinking and her need for space, you’re only going to make things worse as you’re going to show her you don’t understand/respect her and that you just want what’s best for you.
So apologize to your ex from the heart only once. Don’t do it over and over again because that won’t be an apology but proof that you’re in denial and desperate for love and affection.
And when you need help, you’ll appear desperate and unintentionally bring out the worst in your ex.
My advice is to apologize concisely without asking anything from your ex. Say “I’ve been thinking about what you said and I just wanted to say I realized my mistakes and that I’m sorry. I don’t expect you to forgive me right away, but I know that you’ll be able to do that one day. Take care of yourself.”
Here are some tips on how to win your ex-girlfriend back after hurting her.
Follow these points no matter what you did to hurt your ex. No contact is a universal rule that applies to most people. The only people it doesn’t apply to are those who have been given a chance by their ex to show whether they can improve. And not to get confused, those people are still in a relationship and were advised to do their best.
So follow the rules above even if you:
- Betrayed your ex
- Lied to your ex
- Failed to deliver on your promises
- Called her names
- Insulted her family
- Or physically hurt her
No matter how badly you messed up, a person should never degrade himself by bowing down to another human being. The moment he does that, he loses his sense of self and makes the other person treat him accordingly.
If you have to admit fault during or shortly after the breakup because you live with your ex or see her often, by all means, do that when the timing is right. But don’t look at the apology as an opportunity for you to start messaging your ex and making her feel something for you again.
Your ex definitely will feel something if you start contacting her, but it won’t be love. It will be annoyance as you’ll interrupt her need for space.
When a breakup ensues, your ex already has the whole picture of who you are. Her perception may not be 100% correct, but in her mind, it’s the absolute truth because it’s enforced with negative emotions.
What if I haven’t apologized to my ex yet? Should I apologize to my ex later?
If you haven’t apologized yet and you’ve been following the no contact rule for any number of days, in my opinion, there’s no point in apologizing late. The idea behind an apology is to let your ex know you acknowledge your mistakes and that you’ll let her enjoy her peace and quiet.
If you apologize days, weeks, or months later, though, you may indeed let your ex know that you acknowledge your mistakes and that you’re sorry, but you won’t tell her that you respect her need to self-prioritize. On the contrary, you’ll show her that you’re reaching out for yourself and that you still need something from her.
That something is a response loaded with forgiveness, reassurance, a positive attitude, and acknowledgment. And, unfortunately, your ex probably won’t be happy to give you any of that. If she feels victimized, she’ll be forced to respond in a way that makes her avoid uncomfortable feelings or increases her anger and control.
So if you haven’t apologized to your ex yet and think you should because you think it will melt your ex’s heart, hold your horses for a minute. Think about the way you’ll make your ex feel when you ask for something she isn’t capable or willing to give yet.
Always remember that an apology isn’t just a selfless gesture. When an ex has reasons to dislike you or despise you, that person won’t react well to it.
It’s much more likely he or she will take offense or use your apology as a means of self-empowerment. This means that your ex will likely not give you the response you want and make you feel better. This is especially true if the breakup happened recently and your ex still views you as the culprit and herself as the victim.
You can apologize to your ex for the things you said or did later – much later. But the time for apologies isn’t right after the breakup when you’re the most vulnerable to rejections and your ex the most susceptible to aggravations.
It’s when your ex has calmed down, reached out, and processed some of the most difficult breakup emotions.
So don’t think that you need to be the bigger person here. You just need to be the more understanding person who knows what your ex wants, needs, and expects.
Won’t I miss the chance to win her back if I don’t apologize?
You need to understand that your ex won’t come back if you apologize. Instead of impressing her and making her forgive you, you’re going to annoy her and destroy (or worsen) the way she sees you.
In other words, messaging or calling your ex after the breakup is most likely going to give your ex the opposite of what she needs to distract herself and make it harder for her to let go of the past and embrace the future with you.
You probably think that you must say or do something to win your ex back after hurting her, but unfortunately, breakups don’t work that way. You can just fix everything by apologizing. If it were possible to fix months and months of self-conditioning simply by apologizing, most people would get their ex back.
They’d be able to slowly get on their ex’s good side again and make their ex forgive them for everything they’ve done wrong. Sadly, the only way dumpers can forgive their exes is if they don’t really mean to break up with them or if they change their mind about their ex on their own.
So no, you won’t miss your only chance of reuniting with your ex if you don’t pester your ex with apologies and explanations about why you did what you did. But you will give your ex the freedom to decide what she wants and whether she has any use of you anymore.
Fears and worries often make dumpees act on instincts, but instincts don’t help with the reconciliation. What helps is dumpees’ understanding of breakup dynamics and their ability to handle temptations and unwanted emotions.
So how do you win her back after hurting her?
If you hurt your girlfriend and made her break up with you, you can try to win her back by forgetting about winning her back and letting her do what she wants to do. She broke up with you not just because of your mistakes but because of how those mistakes made her feel.
More precisely, she broke up with you because she associated unhealthy thoughts and feelings with you and couldn’t find a way to disassociate them. So don’t think that you can help her forget everything that’s happened.
You can’t solely fix your ex’s weeks of relationship-damaging thoughts and feelings. You can only hope that your ex does and that she’s willing to do something about it.
And your ex will be able to do something about it when she:
- Distances herself from you
- Focuses on herself for a while
- And reflects
That’s when could see that she overreacted and that she took you for granted.
Breakups are so hard because they’re out of your control. But no matter how painful they are, control is something you have to let go of. You have to let your ex live her life the way she wants to live it because if you don’t, you’ll see a different side to your ex.
A side that you didn’t know existed.
I said it before, but if you want to know how to win your ex-girlfriend’s heart back after hurting her, forget about your ex for a while and get yourself back first. You’ll never be able to attract her with desperation and force. You’ll have the highest chance of reattracting her when you follow all the rules of no contact and let her run into trouble because that’s when her way of thinking and perceiving will change.
So in conclusion, the only thing you can do is keep moving forward with your life. Don’t wait for your ex because if you do, you’ll stay emotionally dependent on her and scare her away when you communicate with her.
Let us know how you intend to get your ex-girlfriend back after hurting her in the comment section below. We’d love to hear what you think.
Or alternatively, if you think that the article didn’t cover what you wanted it to, feel free to get in touch with us through personal coaching.
Appreciate the wisdom in this article. Would like to share my situation if okay.
I was with a woman for 4 years, we are early 40’s now. We shared intense feelings for each other and talked about marriage, but we also had a lot of conflict, mostly due to my poor character and priorities and her angry reactions. We loved each other and so stayed together for 4 years.
We broke up mutually 6 months ago, I dated and reflected and processed the problems and realized where we went wrong and what this woman means to me and my future. I reached out and she said maybe coffee in 3 months.
I focused on myself and reached out after 3 months, she said she was dating others but would have coffee and open to friendship. Knowing I hurt her emotionally, as well as her trust and respect of me, as well as knowing who I am and what I want, I am willing to pursue her with the opportunities I am given. I have shared my heart for her and she understands but is not there.
Our one time coffee date turned into 7 hours, she said it was a blessing and pleasant. I invited her to a second date to an outdoor classical music event and she agreed but clarified with me it was as friends. I clarified back that my intention is to build trust and connection and develop from there.
While she is dating others, doesn’t want to text with me, and says she wants to be friends, she clearly enjoys connecting and agreed to more dates, which I did not expect. We were together 4 years and loved each other during this time. She understandably needs to see I’ve changed and grown, and is giving me a small opportunity to connect with her.
Most people would say I need to move on, but I am determined to reconnect with her and meet her where she is at and reattract her love and respect. I understand the risk this puts me in, but it is what I have chosen to do. I also understand it will be a miracle if I eventually win her.
Appreciate any thoughts as I move forward into the unknown with courage.
Hi K.
She’s only interested in being friends, nothing more. She wants to date others and have a romantic relationship with them. You won’t get her back by inviting her out, showing your improvements, and trying to make her feel something for you. The woman has detached, so any attempts to reconcile will only repulse her and anger her. If you keep seeing her, she’ll string you along because she clearly enjoys being friends with you. I’m not saying you can’t get back together, but you don’t need to meet up with her and wait for a window of opportunity to strike. If she likes you and wants more, she’ll come to you.
Remember that she must win your love and trust, not vice-versa.
Sincerely,
Zan
I went on no contact after she broke up with me. I hurt her by reacting badly over some misunderstanding. It was the second time, the first I apologized and we moved on. I broke her trust tried to reason and argue with her over my reaction but the feelings were lost. It is the second time we break up. She contacted me later with memes etc, told her to meet but we couldn’t arrange it for that day and after that we never did. I broke no contact after 1.5 month and I told her that I miss her, I knew that I hurt her and that I wanted to see her. She told me to move on and I told her that I will and I dont want any contact between us cause we were not friends and I cannot move on while I am thinking about her and if she wants to see me she can contact me in the following period. After two weeks in the new no contact, we have no communication and honestly I dont believe she is going to come back.
Any thoughts or tips apart from move on?
Hi Dim.
She clearly lost feelings and feels no need to reconnect emotionally. She’s the dumper, so let her have the space she needs. Continue no contact until you’re over her or until she redevelops feelings and cravings and wants you back. That’s all I can say.
Best regards,
Zan
Hey Zan! Thank you for your reply. She just uploaded a story subtly showing she is on a weekend trip with boyfriend. Is it a rebound probably? And if so is it a good thing?
Hi Dim.
He’s her boyfriend most likely, not a rebound. A rebound is someone you struggle to connect with because you’re not over an ex. Dumpees usually have rebound relationships.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey there Zan
I recently have been involved with someone only dating. Things were a bit hot and cold not terribly. I told her it was exhausting to be that way.
Well things started really rolling along for us. Then one day she was having a very tough day at work. I had told I was hoping to see her, her reply was that she was very busy. So I told her it was alright another time. A little later I tried to Crack a joke hoping she would laugh a little, instead she took offense. I tried to explain my intentions. I apologized a couple times and told I made a mistake, you know like we are all human here. Next couple days the energy was off, do I asked her if she was upset. She said she was not upset with me, but that the energy had shifted for her.
I told her her place in my heart, that if thus bump was too much that I would have to take my lifes lessons with acceptance, that all I could do is let go
Her response was she is not ghosting me intentionally, just processing things and taking time to do so. My response was that I was trying to give her the space to do so with empathy, and I thanked her for being considerate of my feelings, letting me know sort of where she is.
We were very much in contact with each other daily before all this now I am unsure how to handle the situation, because she hasn’t told me she needs space but she is barely responsive, where she was very responsive before. Should I be putting NC into place? Understand we both are older, both had a period of celibacy, we have had to yalk through some awkwardness before and both agreed that it was healthy and a way to grow. I am just not sure because I am trying to sort of mirror her
Not hearing from her has really left me heavy hearted, I don’t feel she is the type to be off and fooling around with other guys already, she is a pretty honest and genuine lady. Also I am a white male she is Mexican/American and also part of the Lakota indigenous people. So very attached to some traditional values. I myself am a bit old school in my beliefs around monogamy and such if any of that stuff is relevant.
Any thoughts on how to handle this situation, I have done pretty good at not begging, I made my apology and stated how empty my heart feels without her in it. I just am not getting much of a lifeline from her where normally we would have talked through things by now.
Hi Tyson.
She hasn’t told you she needs space, but her actions certainly showed it. Cold behavior is a sign of detachment and disinterest, so if I may suggest, don’t contact her anymore. Things have been difficult with her from the very start, so she’s not that into you. She’s also a reactive person and doesn’t take action when needed.
You’ve put in the effort already, Tyson. You’ve apologized and done your fair share of chasing throughout the relationship. Let her invest in you from now on or there will be a big interest and power imbalance.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hello Zan,
My partner of a little over 3 years decided to up and take our 2 plus year old away just before Christmas, dec17. Sent me a text saying she need space and time. She strung me along till just a few days ago Feb 5, definitely a lot of breadcrumbs now that I’ve been reading all this.telling me she loved me on Christmas day, telling me she missed me when I was picking my daughter up, constant hot and cold texting, etc. Even to the point that the day she told me she has decided she is done and there is no reason to go to counselling, that morning she even sent me a pic of her and our daughter. Would have been easy enough for her to send just a pic of our daughter. So I can’t do all no contact, as we have a 2 year old together so we will facetime every night and some mornings. I’m still not sure if this wasn’t all a plan or ploy to get it so that our daughter ends up over 3 hours away from me, because that’s where she went to her parents place. And her parents have been going through a divorce for over 3 years…and still living together so it’s not always the best place to be around.shoudl I go as no contact as possible?
Hi Tyler.
I suggest that you go no contact. Talk to your ex only about your child so that you can both get the space you need from each other.
Stay strong!
Zan
i reached out to my ex after 3 months to apologize over coffee at first she agreed to meet up, but a few days later she cancelled with a cold answer. i said i understood her decision and went back to NC
Hi Benni.
It means she’s not interested and that you shouldn’t initiate conversations/invitations with her. If she wants you back, she’ll do it of her own accord.
Stay in NC indefinitely this time, Benni.
Zan
Hi Zan,
I had been with my girlfriend of less than a year but we had been living together for all that time. After months and several instances of me being controlling, jealous, angry about certain situations, I was on the path to improving and getting better but made a mistake and got angry about something I should not have. As a result, she broke up with me on Jan 28th and initially told me she needed space, but progressed to wanting to break up. Since that day, I spoke with her on Feb 1st and she told me how the weekend was very difficult for her as she did not want to break up but decided that I would not change and did not believe I would ever change even though she really loves me and misses me. During these times I kept trying to plead her back which was obviously the complete wrong thing to do, and on Tuesday I picked up some of my stuff from her place she had packed up and she got mad that I was trying to plead again. Later that day she apologized and said ‘I didn’t mean to get upset but I just can’t right now’ and we both wished each other to have a good week. I still have my cat and half my stuff at her place, and haven’t spoken to her since that day and trying to do the no-contact and give her her space, but I don’t know how long I should leave it. It is especially painful considering valentines day is coming up but obviously the right thing to do would be not to wish her a happy valentines but I am struggling a lot on what I should do. Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated thank you.
Hi Richard.
You’ve got to leave your ex alone forever. She has to be the one to contact you next and show interest in being more than friends. Until you hear from her, you’ve got to focus on increasing your worth and self-esteem. She lost some respect for you, so don’t beg and plead anymore.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I just wanted to ask about what I should do in my situation where I got dumped after hurting her but she reaches out from time to time about unimportant things. I read from your other article to make it clear to them that they shouldn’t reach out about unimportant things, does this also apply to my situation? If so, could I ask about how I should bring this up to her? I appreciate all your work.
Thank you!
Hi Cmla.
Even if you apologize sincerely, it’s not going to change her feelings. She’s emotionally detached, which means it’s likely going to give her power and the ability to do what she wants. That’s why your best bet is to remain strong and show her you’re strong. Do that by politely asking her not to reach out and wishing her the best of luck.
Let me know how it goes.
Best regards,
Zan
Hey Zan,
Thank you for the advice. I decided not to apologize about anything anymore.
She reached out to me again after a few days of no talking. She just thanked me about the pants I gave her back when we were together saying she had it altered and wore it to her dentist appointment. She then sent a pic of her wearing it. I’m not sure to what to make of it or how to respond. I noticed that when she reaches out, it’s usually just her telling me about her life but she never asks me about anything with my life. It’s also really confusing for me because she’s still wearing the ring I gave her back when I begged and pleaded (which I now realize was a not a good idea) when she broke up with me a month ago. I haven’t responded to her. How do you think I should respond?
Thank you Zan.
Hi Cmla.
You should interpret her behavior as breadcrumbs as she clearly has no intentions of getting back with you at this point. She wants to keep you around as a friend, so she can tell you what she’s up to. This is a diversion tactic to distract you from opening up and making her feel bad.
Cut her off.
Zan
Good day Zan.
Thank you for always taking the time to respond to comments on your blog. It’s a huge blessing for you to help me out with my situation. I’m unable to afford any kind of coaching at the moment so I am grateful you responded to me.
I responded to her by saying I wasn’t interested in anything platonic and not to contact me if she just wants friends. She replied with ‘Sure.’ I’m now in no-contact and I’ve been focusing on myself. I still grieve from time to time but I know I’ll heal and get better soon especially with the help of your teachings. Thank you!
Hi Cmla.
If you don’t mind waiting a few days, you don’t need to subscribe to coaching. I’ll get back to you here on the blog.
Now that you’ve asked for space, your true healing’s begun. Stay strong and avoid giving in to the temptation to reach out.
Kind regards
Zan
Hi Zan,
My situation is a little peculiar as I got drawn into an extended period with my ex where she breadcrumbed me and played hot and cold.
We were together when we were younger for several years then split up due to a number of reasons. She moved on with another person closer to her age (she’s 5 years younger than me, and was 19/20 at the time) and I moved on with another girl also. Earlier this year we caught up again after both finding ourselves single, and things started great. Communication was much better than our previous relationship and the two years or so apart really did help both of us mature and grow up. After several months of dating again and slowly getting more serious, I had a period where I began to reflect and panic that maybe because this relationship didn’t work previously, it wouldn’t work now (now looking back 6 months or so on since splitting I have done a lot of introspection work on myself and learnt a lot about my own commitment issues and relationship anxieties that I’d never recognised before, so I have grown a lot as a man since). During this period I got really down, and ended up breaking things off with my ex partner, which was the catalyst to make me do some soul searching to figure out why this was.
After spending several months coming to terms with my own flaws, whilst still going back and forth with my ex and speaking/spending time together/sleeping together, I recognised that I had to apologise and be clear with her that I was in the wrong for breaking things off so suddenly and that it was out of my own insecurities rather than anything to do with the new relationship. She has since moved out of the country for a year abroad working, and before she moved I sent her an apology stating the mistakes I’d made over the previous few months, told her I understand why she would not want to talk at the moment, wished her well for the year ahead and said hopefully one day you can forgive me for the pain I have caused you this year.
I didn’t hear anything for a couple of weeks and I was moving on with life, when she called me out of the blue upset saying she wanted to make this work and that she had worries herself that she needed to calm down before being able to drop her guard again for me. We had a great conversation, I didn’t beg or plead but did say I’ve learnt a lot about myself lately and I do believe I can provide you with a healthy relationship, and although long distance if we both want to make this work across the next year or so then we can do. We then spoke on the phone most nights for several hours at a time, texting through the day and just communicating with one another how we felt and what we needed to do to make it work, but after this short period she became very distant and cold and turned into a whole other person (exactly how you have stated in blog posts like this one).
She went from ignoring me for days to breadcrumbing me, posting pictures with other men and going out 2/3 times a week (she disliked going out and drinking whilst we where involved) and just being very rude when it came to communicating with me. I didn’t beg or plead, I know better not too, but after being ignored and seeing her flaunting a different life online, and then when we did speak her being very ignorant and hurtful to me, I decided to ask her what her incentives where in all of this. I politely asked what she wanted to gain from this, and if she was still feeling emotional from the summer whether the best thing for us now was to continue speaking. She initially began by insulting me, telling me I have no right to question anything she is doing as she is single and I’m not a part of her life anymore. She told me I wasn’t a priority of hers and that she didn’t care how I felt. After being verbally attacked on the phone I said okay then I think it’s best we go our separate ways, as we were now 5/6 weeks into going back and forth and her exerting hot and cold behaviour, and my emotions and stress levels where all over the place, and I couldn’t take it anymore. When I tried to pull away she then got upset stating she was still hurt and scared of the same thing happening and her being let down by me again, especially being in a different country and having to go through a similar pain alone with strangers. I understood her grievances, and I said I empathise with how you feel and I want to reassure you that this won’t happen again, but we can’t continue with the dynamic we have going on at the moment. She then asked me to plan ahead and spend a weekend with her (she was in France and we picked a weekend for me to go over and spend time with her at the end of October so we could be together in person), with her saying she’ll book some time off in work the following day and begin planning activities for us that weekend. I didn’t push for the visit as I knew it needed to be mutual, but a couple of days later when I sent her flight times, that was it, she ignored me and hasn’t contacted me since (mid October).
2 months into NC and I feel a lot better, but I still have this nagging feeling inside me that wishes the 6/8 week period where she toyed with my emotions and wellbeing shouldn’t have went ahead. Her fears were that I wasn’t available enough emotionally, so I was stuck between a rock and a hard place when she did call and say she wanted to make it work, as I couldn’t exactly tell her at that moment that we needed time and space apart as I believed that would only have made her think that I wasn’t able to follow through on what she needed from me. I haven’t reached out again, and I do not intend too. I have forgiven her because I know I hurt her earlier in the year, so it is my own actions that have caused this situation to become a reality. My only issue is allowing her to control my emotional state and wellbeing for near 2 months, after she was the one to get in touch with me and tell me she wanted to make this work, so I have spent the last 2 months in NC confused as to what her motives where, and that now I have had time away from it all how upset I am with myself that I allowed her to dictate how I felt by constantly hoping she would come around.
Any constructive criticism would be appreciated. I know I am now doing the right thing, but I wish I’d have been able to remain in control when she rang and not allow myself to be walked all over, but at the time I just wasn’t able to see clearly. I also sent her a gift for her birthday within the first two weeks of her reaching out to me (whilst she was still the person I know and love) which I now regret, but at the time in my mind I believed she wanted to make things work as she was communicating well with me and showing me love and affection, but I obviously fell into the trap too quickly which will have contributed to pushing her away.
I may have made some mistakes along the way but I felt as though I was in a position where I had to show my ex gf change, but in the midst of the whole break up I learnt a lot about myself and how to navigate through these situations with a clearer mind.
Thanks
Hi Ethan.
Your ex wasn’t honest with you. She said she was afraid of getting back with you, but that’s not her reason for being cold with you. It was her negative associations of you that made things difficult for her. In all honesty, Ethan, you should have pulled away a long time ago. A person who’s seeing other men won’t come back to you after speaking with you. So forget about proving change, that’s no longer relevant. She needs to change her opinion of you on her own. And she’ll do that only if she’s ready to do it.
Until then, leave her alone or she’ll keep confusing you and stringing you along.
Best regards,
Zan
My breakup came in waves. At first she broke it off and we had an argument and I apologized for saying some disrespectful things (No cursing) and she accepted my apology. Months later I tried to reach back out to her and she instantly block me everywhere without a word. In response I emailed her angrily as to why she was acting the way she was and since then she has made it clear that she wants no contact.
Going on 6 months no contact is it pointless to email her apologizing for not respecting her boundaries and thinking about her needs? I only recently realized the hurt I did cause her but never acknowledged it or made her aware that I’m sorry for it. I just don’t think she will ever reach out because she thinks I don’t understand why she is angry. So is it too late for an apology 6 months later or do I just wait it out and continue no contact and move on? Thanks
Hi Axel.
Apologizing to someone who blocks you is completely pointless. I don’t see any benefits to it as it’s something you want rather than her. So keep your apologies to yourself. Forgive yourself if you need to and let your ex be resentful if she wants. Also, work on self-control so you keep it together next time you find yourself in a similar situation.
Kind regards,
Zan
I learned from you that an ex had already decided to break up long before they hit you with it and that refusing to accept that offer (the breakup) only makes the situation more angry and frustrated.
So better to accept it than not because you will need it sooner or later
Thank you, Zan 🤍
Exactly, Linda!
Pestering the dumper about getting back together seldom works in your favor. It usually just annoys him or her, hurts you, and makes the reconciliation more difficult.
Best,
Zan