The rules of no contact are very straightforward, yet so many people refuse to follow them down to the T. Some dumpees instead choose to implement their own versions of no contact and in doing so, prolong the grieving stage.
Although 90% of dumpees will hear from their exes again, this doesn’t mean you should completely prioritize your ex.
Your life is yours to take care of so make the rules of no contact about you first and your ex second.
If you don’t, you could end up really disappointed if your ex never comes back.
Or even if your ex comes back and all you did in no contact was think and cry about your ex, then you would still be pretty desperate and emotionally dependent on your ex. This would occur due to a lack of self-love.
You can avoid this unnecessary ex-partner reverence by improving your emotional and mental well-being. Once you’ve achieved great results, you will no longer fear your ex like the devil. Your ex will have become an equal instead.
But for that to happen, you must move on first.
Without further delay, let’s discuss the rules of no contact.
Rules of no contact
The rules of no contact apply to all broken-hearted dumpees who want to get over their exes, get their exes back or to those who want both.
The rules of no contact apply to those who:
- got abandoned
- got cheated on and left for someone else
- cheated themselves and got abandoned
- were left and their exes went back to their exes
- were in a long-distance relationship
- neglected and took their dumpers for granted
- were asked to change a million times
- were in a toxic relationship
- are getting ignored and avoided by the dumpers
- got blocked
- were needy pre-breakup or post-breakup
- were told they are the worst or the best
- got angry on the day of the breakup and after
- did something despicable
- begged harder than a beggar
- were given any of the generic breakup excuses
- are miserable and encountered life problems, such as drugs and addictions
- are teenagers
- used the no contact rule before
- don’t want their exes back and “have nothing to lose”
- just want their “friend” back
- work together
- have kids
- think their exes have/will move on without them
- have unfinished business, such as finances and mortgage
- are depressed or pregnant
- are getting divorced
There are probably many more cases where the rules of no contact apply, but the point is that the indefinite no contact rule is the solution to most situations.
This is because after the breakup—especially if it was your fault, your ex needs time – a lot of time. Reasoning with your ex is therefore not an option, hence why “winning” him or her over won’t work.
Moreover, if you try to speed up the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper, the breakup would only blow up in your face, causing even more damage to the already broken relationship.
Insecure behavior would force your ex to think less of you, which would push him or her away. It would also worsen your post-breakup persona as well as your mental health.
That’s why chasing after the dumper is never an option. Once the dumpee gets broken up with, his or her final exam has ended and the result is the breakup.
There is no immediate retake of this exam as your ex first needs to reject you. And only once he or she has personally experienced failure, will your ex be willing to give your failure another chance.
Basic rules of no contact
The basic rules of no contact consist of self-imposed restrictions which you must never, ever break. If you happen to break the rules of no contact, you could experience setbacks which regularly naturally occur during the 3 stages of no contact when you’re healing.
These deliberate setbacks can be prevented as long as you diligently follow and respect the rules of no contact.
Nothing matters more than your recovery after the breakup so it might be best you start looking for a way to prioritize yourself over your ex and instead give yourself the love you so badly deserve.
Luckily, the basic rules of no contact are here for you to help you retain your self-esteem, confidence and at the same time, help you improve your health.
Here are the 6 basic rules of no contact.
To prevent slip-ups, such as pushing your ex away and ruining your chances, you must go no contact immediately after the breakup. No buts, ifs, whys, and hows.
These 6 basic, yet prominent rules of no contact will portray high self-esteem and confidence and either cultivate your desired results or help you move on with dignity.
If you don’t ever get back together with your ex, you will be so thankful you went no contact and saved face. Trust me about this and believe in the healing power of no contact.
Intermediate rules of no contact
The intermediate rules of no contact are all about giving your ex everything he or she has asked for.
Since a breakup demands a physical and emotional separation, stepping back and letting your ex have it his or her way is essential. By no means should you bargain with the dumper when the deal is final.
Unfortunately, breakups are always final the moment dumpers make a decision so there’s no fighting their decision.
Out of respect as well as self-respect, allow your ex to experience relief, elation and eventually nostalgia so distance yourself from him or her. Give your ex more space than possible and sit tight.
You can wait for your ex by remembering the 4 intermediate rules of no contact.
These 4 rules of no contact are more of a guideline and something you need to remember after the breakup. They work like a rubber band as they hook around your ex and stretch and stretch until the rubber band stretches as far as it can before it comes shooting back at the speed of light.
Intermediate rules of no contact are a variation of a push-pull technique, with the only difference that they aren’t meant to manipulate and abuse the person who cares for you.
Since dumpers don’t care enough (if any at all), the push-pull technique is absolutely necessary to reel the dumper back in. It works one day at a time at a very slow pace.
Nobody knows how fast it will work with your particular case because it isn’t even about you. It’s about the dumper’s mental and emotional state which you have absolutely no control over.
Intermediate rules of no contact have a second part. They are about repairing your post-breakup persona. Any begging, apologizing, promising, incessant messaging, calling and even some pre-breakup flaws are slowly being forgotten over time.
Please note that this will not happen during the 30-day no contact rule because that rule is not an effective rule. It’s not even a rule, but rather a hoax.
Rewriting the negative memories
Forgetting a few bad memories will happen over many, many months. If I had to guess I’d say it starts at about a year, 2, 3 or more after the breakup—depending on each person, of course.
Our brains continuously rewrite old memories. Every time we remember a scene from the past, we change a thing or two about it and store new information in our long-term memory. As we keep rewriting history over the course of many years, we eventually change most things about our pasts.
Since dumpers don’t think about dumpees too often, they slowly let go of some of the negative associations with the dumpees and mainly remember the worst ones – the ones they often reinforce with their thoughts and emotions.
Dumpees, on the other hand, continuously drown themselves in sorrow and nostalgia and therefore regularly reinforce their adoration and reverence for the dumpers. Only when they learn to control their emotions can they finally stop putting their dumpers on a pedestal. That’s when they start seeing their dumpers for who they truly are.
Fortunately, the rules of no contact help the dumpees let go of that which no longer serves them and reinvigorate them with new hope.
Advanced rules of no contact
The most important and the most neglected rules of no contact are the ones that are about the dumpees and their health.
I know dumpees initially start following the indefinite no contact rule with the intention to get their dumpers back. I think that’s completely fine as long as they make sure they are moving on as well.
Taking the appropriate actions, such as reducing the amount of time spent at home is crucial for the dumpees’ recovery. It’s difficult to take the first steps toward recovery, but the reward is so gratifying once the detoxing process begins.
As long as dumpees stay away from their exes as if they don’t exist anymore, they are healing. If they don’t, they keep their dumpers on the pedestals and delay their pain.
Here are the advanced rules of no contact every dumpee should follow.
These advanced rules of no contact seem simple, but so many dumpees don’t follow them very diligently. They often think that following the no contact rule is just about leaving their exes alone and completely neglect their own healing.
No contact is about the dumpee first, secondly about the dumpee and thirdly – about the dumpee. And if the dumper comes back as a result of NC, then that’s a bonus and a decision to consider.
The rules of no contact work in your favor!
No contact has certain rules or restrictions for a reason. These rules will either help you move on from your ex or help you get rid of neediness and bring your ex back.
No matter what the final result is with your ex, you will win one way or another. It’s impossible not to as long as you are determined to pull through your breakup.
If your ex doesn’t come back, you will be surprised when you find someone better than your ex. You will never in a million years dream of getting back together with him or her.
There are some people who don’t get over their exes for years. The reason why it takes some longer than 8-10 months on average is because they don’t follow the strict rules of no contact mentioned in this article.
Instead of healing, they keep contacting their exes and reopening their wounds.
Some dumpees have the “I will fight for my ex’s love and if it kills me” mentality. This is absurd and complete self-torture.
Not only do those dumpees’ exes absolutely destroy their ego, but they ruin their health too. That’s why dedicating your life to getting your ex back is a waste of a perfectly good heartbroken life.
If you think it’s your responsibility to fight for lost love, you’re mistaken. Your job is to heal and your ex’s job is to contact you and express the desire to want more.
What happens if you break the rules of no contact?
Breaking the rules of no contact is not a good idea. Every time you reach out “in your moment of weakness,” you push your ex further away. Basically, you prolong the time it would take you to get over your ex. You do this by intentionally hurting yourself, as well as by giving your ex the remaining source of power.
Not only do you empower your ex and make him or her feel good, but you also ruin your image in your ex’s eyes.
Since your ex broke up with you, your post-breakup persona is already inadequate and lacking in many ways for your ex. You needn’t make it worse by contacting your ex which screams “I know you broke up with me, but it’s fine if you treat me badly.”
This is unacceptable, and most people will take advantage of it. They will treat you the way you let yourself be treated and make you feel worthless.
Don’t let your ex treat you like a second-class citizen or you will have a hard time regaining value.
The fact that your ex isn’t talking to you tells you everything you need to know. Your ex is not valuing you high enough to talk to you. It may or may not have anything to do with you and it really doesn’t matter.
Since your ex is grave silent, you need to be quiet as well. Remember that your ex is dead to you for as long as he or she acts disinterested and annoyed toward you. So gather up your courage and start following the many rules of no contact right after the breakup. Thes rules can only do you well.
Can the rules work the second time?
If you break the rules of no contact once or twice, your ex may recover from your mistakes. But just because you might get another chance in the future, you shouldn’t rely on breaking the rules too often. At some point, you won’t get away with it anymore so it might be in your best interest that you get it right from the start.
No contact works five times on some dumpers and not even once on others. So no matter what happened to you and what brought upon the breakup, you won’t get anywhere if your ex doesn’t reach out first.
Your ex has to want to talk to you or you will never be able to start a new relationship with him or her.
And this is what the rules of no contact are all about. By following the NC rule, you wait for your ex to get rid of post-breakup emotions and develop an attraction for you. It may not be a love-like attraction, but the curiosity and the eagerness to talk to you are good enough for starters.
Your ex may move on, but so will you!
You have to remember that you are following the rules of no contact because your ex has moved on and not because he or she still loves you. In some rare cases, exes come running back within days or weeks. In cases like that, we can call that love or a lack of emotional independence.
But most of the time, exes move on way before the actual breakup so worrying that your ex will move on is crying over spilled milk.
Moving on has happened already so you probably don’t mean as much as you should to your ex anymore. Because you’re no longer #1, it leaves you with no choice but to move on.
You likely have the what if questions and concerns about your previous relationship. You probably think, “If I haven’t said this or if I didn’t do that, my ex would still be with me.“
Although your last action may have pushed your ex over the edge, it was not the main reason for the breakup. Everything else prior to the breakup led to the separation and your last mistake was just the last push.
Due to your ex’s mentality, the relationship couldn’t survive its downfall, so it broke apart.
You need to understand what went wrong and accept the end of the relationship.
Your life is yours to live!
The most important person in the world is not your ex. It’s you! So no matter how your breakup story unfolds, make sure you prepare for the worst.
Follow the rules of no contact and mix them with Dale Carnegie’s principles, mentioned in the self-help book – How to Stop Worrying and Start Living.
You loved yourself more before you met your ex, but you probably lost yourself somewhere in the relationship. You may have underinvested in your ex’s life or perhaps the opposite – overinvested and made your ex take you for granted.
It goes without saying that your breakup happened for a reason as it was caused due to a lack of self-awareness on somebody’s end. And since it’s impossible to have a functional relationship with one person doing all the work, the breakup is out of your power to control.
You can control your own words and actions, but you can’t force someone to change his or her opinion of you. Not unless that person wants to change his or her thoughts about you.
But for thoughts to get to the cortex, emotions have to first override your ex’s logical thinking and make him or her act emotionally – instinctually. This usually occurs when something bad happens. 😢
Did you enjoy reading about the rules of no contact? I’d like to hear your opinion on this matter so please comment below.