My Ex Doesn’t Contact Me First

No matter how hard the breakup is, all ex-partners should give each other some space right after the separation.

How much space and time depends on the ugliness during and after the breakup.

Time apart should be determined by factors such as cheating, emotional and physical abuse, manipulation, neediness, lying and so on.

The longer such negative actons went on for, the more time apart is needed between the ex-couple.

More time apart = more time to cool off and recover from the drama.

And the post-breakup focus should definitely be on oneself, rather than on another person.

That’s because the time after the breakup is meant for ex-partners to improve their shortcomings.

You need to know that something went wrong and that you and your ex are both partially responsible in one way or another.

So use this time wisely as each breakup happens for a reason and exists to teach you a lesson.

My ex doesn’t contact me first

When your ex doesn’t initiate contact first and instead, you’re the one who keeps reaching out, you need to stop.

By “stop” I mean that you need to cut all attempts to seek validation from a person who clearly isn’t giving any to you.

Your ex’s interest level is way too low for him or her to bother contacting you.

So if that’s what’s happening right now, consider yourself lucky if your ex even replies to your messages.

Try putting yourself in your ex’s shoes for a minute.

Let’s say a person you don’t like messages you multiple times a day, asking you to talk to him.

He does this day and night and literally begs you to meet up with him.

Naturally, you will avoid this person like the plague since you don’t want to be a part of his insecure life.

But because you’re a nice person, you manage to reply and leave it at that. You simply aren’t interested in taking it further.

ex doesn't contact me first and ignores

The same applies to your ex. He or she is asking for time and space from you.

So the most you can do is to pick up the remaining pieces of your dignity and let your ex be.

For you to have a decent conversation with your ex, your ex has to be the one to initiate contact first.

You are no longer in a relationship with your ex and staying friends right after the breakup is nearly impossible.

That’s why there’s nothing holding you together anymore—which makes you closer to enemies than friends.

But to be honest, the chances of reconciliation are probably higher when you’re enemies.

And that’s because your ex isn’t ready to talk to you yet, so stop forcing conversations upon your ex.

Remove your attention and wait for your ex to change his or her mind about you.

Your ex might or might not do that depending on his or her mentality and how far you’ve pushed your ex.

But by the time your ex changes his or her mind, you will hopefully be in a neutral state and validation from your ex won’t matter to you anymore.

You need to understand that detachment is a powerful state to be in.

The moment you no longer “need” your ex is when you will see your ex for who he or she truly is.

The time apart is truly good for both you and your ex as it can make you realize what went wrong in the relationship and whether you want to pursue the broken relationship.

Basically, when your ex doesn’t reach out and initiate contact first, it means that you value your ex and the relationship a lot more than your ex values you.

It’s unfortunate that your ex isn’t as interested in conversing as you, but that’s just the way breakups are.

Your ex wouldn’t stay away from you for long if he or she truly loved you. Your ex wouldn’t want you to move on with someone else or on your own and lose you forever.

Now that you’re broken up, your gut instinct tells you to chase after your ex or your ex will move on.

But the fact of the matter is that the worst had already happened.

You lost your ex, so your next goal should be not to push your ex further away.

So when your ex doesn’t initiate and text you first, don’t fret.

It’s possible that your ex isn’t as content as you think even if he or she appears to be.

Your ex’s ego after the breakup is probably way too high for your ex to contact you until your his or her ego takes a hit.

My ex doesn’t contact me first, but replies

When your ex doesn’t contact you first and replies to your messages, it’s a good sign in a way.

It means that your ex doesn’t want to be rude to you since you haven’t (completely) obliterated your self-respect just yet.

You haven’t begged for attention or a second chance (that much) and so your ex still possesses some respect for you.

This doesn’t, however, mean that you should keep messaging your ex despite getting some sort of response from your ex.

You need to know that your ex’s defenses will never come down as long as you are trying to force your way through.

Pouring your heart out, therefore, won’t melt your ex’s heart, hence why I advise you to take a step back and prepare the right game plan to get your ex back.

Basically, prepare yourself for the time when your ex lowers his or her guard.

My ex doesn't contact me first - guard up

When your ex finally reaches out is when it’s your time for you to act.

But in the meantime, become the best version of yourself and show your ex all the changes you’ve made since the breakup.

Actions speak louder than words, so inspire your ex without any words.

And note that you shouldn’t ever have to point out the reasons why your ex should be with you and how you can contribute to your ex’s life.

Your conversation with your ex is not an interview, so keep your skills to yourself.

It has to be your ex’s idea to get back together, not yours.

So let your ex come to a realization on his or her own and see what you have to offer.

Your only job as a dumpee is to be the person you have always been and improve the parts that your ex may not have liked too much.

Do it for yourself though, and I guarantee that you won’t feel the need to show your ex all the changes you’ve made.

The new and improved you will be noticeable a mile away.

Nobody knows whether your ex will come back to you for sure, but that’s what makes life so exciting—and at the same time scary.

We don’t know how it will unfold so all we can do is wait.

Should I ever contact my ex first when I want him back?

You already know that contacting your ex first is a grave mistake.

Any real professional and a non-quick, money-grabbing coach will tell you that indefinite no contact rule is the only way to go.

And if you’re thinking of breaking no contact for whatever reason, just know that your reason for reaching out to your ex likely isn’t good enough.

Your ex will probably see that you’re up to no good and stop talking to you again.

And that’s something that will force you to get hurt again.

So find the power within you to resist the temptations to reach out first, and I guarantee that you will maximize your chances of reconciliation.

A part of your personal transformation should be to control your impulses.

And I can tell you now that as long as you keep reaching out, you will never attract your ex back.

The law of attraction to get your ex back states that attraction can’t and won’t be forced and manipulated.

In all honesty, exes come back when you’ve moved on.

Why, you ask?

That’s because your ex will know you no longer want him/her.

Your ex is going to wonder why you don’t want him or her anymore and might even become the one to chase you.

So know that no contact is the only way to you turn the breakup upside down on your ex when he or she doesn’t initiate contact first.

My ex doesn't contact me first - self respect

By portraying confidence and high self-esteem, you indirectly tell your ex that the breakup is not going to crush you.

Don’t say that you don’t need your ex to your ex’s face, of course. Simply walk away and show your ex strength and self-respect.

I truly believe that every person should develop self-respect. We should be taught how to love ourselves from a young age so that we can act and react well when we face a breakup.

Improve, improve, improve

When your ex doesn’t message you first, you should be thanking your ex for allowing you to move on easily, instead of dragging you around with him or her.

The last thing you want is to be stuck in friends zone, not knowing what to say or do to make your ex love you again.

You could end up getting used as your ex’s crutch and help your ex move on with ease.

Also, listening to your ex talk about his or her new partner would drive you insane.

That’s why you have nothing to lose by staying away from your ex. Absolutely nothing at all.

What’s done is done, and it’s best for your health that you accept the breakup as quickly as possible.

Become a person of high value and let your ex reach out to you first.

A person who values oneself doesn’t seek happiness in others.

It’s also true that one who is unhappy with oneself cannot make others happy.

So work on yourself and engage in activities with people who complete you.

Your ex was just an addition to your life, to begin with.

So I sincerely hope that you realize that.

One day, you will definitely look back and see that you never needed your ex to live life contentedly.

You just needed more time to detach yourself from your ex.

So treat yourself with respect and your ex might also.

Happiness -> attraction -> envious ex-> contacting you.

When I tell people to do nothing to get their ex back, I mean to do nothing directly with, to and for their ex.

My ex doesn't contact me first

I would like you, however, to pull that focus away from your ex, kick your ex off the pedestal, and stand under the spotlight yourself.

As a person of high value, you are the creator of your own happiness and in complete control of your life.

You are the only person who’s been there from the beginning and will be there until the end for you.

So remember this always and forever. You can always rely on yourself.

And if you find it difficult to stay away from your ex, reach out to me. We can devise a plan together and get your ex off your mind.

Has your ex contacted you or did you initiate contact first? Please leave your comment in the comments section below.

36 thoughts on “My Ex Doesn’t Contact Me First”

  1. hi, just looking for a clarification… i am a month into no contact and im going down the indefinite no contact route. I believe that my ex has returned to her ex (he has another partner too). I do believe that the no contact will work after gigs and the 5 stages have time to play out…. however,,, though the no contact in indefinite, when do i allow myself to reply to a message from my ex, 2 months ,3 months??

  2. Ahh I guess all situations are weird we were together for 3 years planning on getting married this year, I disclosed information about cheating before asking her 6 months after the plan to get married, 4 months ago and we have been talking sense we tried no contact then she contacted me but she was into it first month and I wasn’t and now 4 months into it she’s wanting to do life on her own for some time maintain that and see what happens. But now it seems like there’s not much hope. But maybe after this phase of anger and focus she’ll have time to feel emotions more she’s avoiding them now she’s saying and only remembers bad memories. I really hope we can figure it out.

    1. Hi Zan, excellent blog! Thanks for all you do.
      Just wondering the “rules” if we had a slightly mutual breakup, COVID was hard on us both & we were both fed up, I was willing to work on it though. Anyhow I decided to move out & I asked for space (ie no contact), he asked if we could catch up once a week, I shrugged when he suggested it. I messed him on his bday shortly after moving out & he messaged me on mine shortly after that. He messaged once more about something at the house & my response was short but pleasant. Most of my stuff is still there, my furniture etc. Now it’s now been over a month & I’m not quite sure what to do.

      I’m accomplishing a lot on my businesses & emotional growth, I do miss him (we have a very strong bond on all the levels, (we both acknowledged that), but I’m also totally fine on my own. Considering the logistics of the break up & our lease is up in a couple of months, I’m not sure how to proceed. I’m not dying to get him back, but I am curious how he’s doing. I also don’t want to come off desperate because I don’t feel that way, but I’m not sure who’s supposed to reach out first. I don’t like games & this kind of feels like one. We’re both stubborn Scorpios & since I know he feels guilt around this situation, so I’m at a loss.
      Any help is appreciated!

  3. We had a bad breakup, and we did not talked after that . But my ex wished me happy birthday in text 5 months after the breakup. So that text can be considered as Reaching out?

  4. My girlfriend and I were in a unique relationship (for 6 years) where we worked together and I was promoted to being her eventual boss. We continued our relationship privately, which in hindsight was not healthy. 2 years ago, my father passed away and I didn’t take it well on a personal level. I was cold, distant, dismissive and at times verbally abusive when I drank too much. After about 10 months (after his death), my girlfriend broke it off with me – April 2019. She moved out. She immediately rebounded with a guy from the Costco across the street from our work. I knew I had to get my act together. It was hard seeing her at work and difficult to interact with her because I was reeling emotionally. I made the decision to start dating and did. Nothing overly serious with anyone, but I did end up in a short-term fling with a girl my ex had serious issues with (from a previous job). I didn’t do it on purpose, as a matter of fact, I didn’t want her to know. Last October, I poured my emotions out on my ex and told her that I only wanted her and how painfully sorry I was for my behavior. In the coming weeks, we decided to get back together. Unfortunately, I had not fully ended it with the other girl and one night while we were out talking in a parking lot, someone took a picture of me and sent to it to my girlfriend. Needless to say that didn’t go over well. For the next two months we rallied through life on a monster roller coaster, to her eventually dumping me again the Monday after this past Valentine’s day. I took it well, told her that’s not what I wanted, but if she changed her mind, to give me a call. And that was it. I immediately went into NO CONTACT. 2 weeks later, my ex reached out to me via text… asking how the dogs were. (we have 4 dogs and she still had a bunch of her belongings at the house). I replied. Kept everything cool. She didn’t reply. 2 weeks later, she texted me in the morning and asked if it was me that was running across a bridge. I replied later, but she never did. 2 weeks later she reached out again because of the COVID-19 and asked if I was doing ok. I replied, but she never did. 2 weeks later, she texted me again because her job (I had moved to a new job last January) was selling off food cheap since restaurants were hit hard during that time. I replied in kind, but she never did. Then, another couple of weeks, she contacted me when our city went in to a Curfew shutdown and told me to stay home and stay safe. She contacted me 3 weeks ago about wanting to come pick up the rest of her stuff and the dogs. I made arrangements not to be at home so she could have time to pack and say good bye to our other dogs without me being there. She had called and left me a teary message about leaving me the dog I bought for her because she thought it was best and fair so the dogs wouldn’t be so lonely. She did take her dog that she came into our relationship with. I came home to find 4 hand written notes throughout the house and one handwritten letter left on the front door. She expressed how much she loved me and missed me and how hard this is. She told me that she has been dating some guy and that she was happy and that she didn’t want me to be waiting for her to come back to me and for me to find my happiness. She said the guy was completely different than me, but she’s finding herself trying to change him to be more like me. We ended up texting that night for a little while. The next day she began texting me again while she was unpacking her things (I suspected she was feeling emotional). We texted on and off the entire day. Then that night, the texts turned to more flirtatious and sexual in nature. We even made plans to hook up the following night. The next day she texted me and said it wouldn’t be a good idea to hook up since she’s dating someone else. I figured she had just been drinking and emotional the night before. We ended up texting long messages to each other the rest of that day and through the next morning. I invited her to come to a family gathering with me in Oregon and she said she would love to, and she would request the days off, but would only come with me if she was ‘single’. She told me ‘when we get back together, there would be a lot of things we would have to work on’ and asked me if I had thought about that. We didn’t communicate for another 2 weeks. I broke the silence with a text that had a link to an article that talked about Zodiac signs and how our’s made the perfect power couple. No Reply. I sent her another text a few days later. No Reply. A few days later (this past Saturday) she sent me a text asking me ‘what would I do if I was her?’. I waited and sent her a lengthy and articulate reply about 5 hours later. She texted me the next morning, ‘in all honesty… I don’t know what to do. Be safe. Love you (pet name).’ And that’s been it. I learned that no contact is powerful and if someone still has feelings for you, they WILL reach out – as she did just about every 2 weeks for almost 4 months! And I’ve also recently learned that when I chase, she seems disinterested or backs off. So it’s back to Indefinite Contact and I’ll see if the chips start falling again – or if I lose her to her rebound relationship once and for all.

  5. Hi, I have reached out to my ex gf, and she has tentatively agreed to meet with me next week…I mentioned there’s no need to make it serious, and we would be just having fun together, platonically. I want to keep in touch with her, and re-attract her. She doesnt reach out to me at all, but has recently responded to my texts. I feel a bit stuck..what do I do to get her back?

  6. I broke up with my ex after an argument we had one night. I kept telling him my problems and kept saying his were worse. Then he started telling me I needed a boyfriend and that he was no longer what I once knew. He told me to go and find someone who will really meet my standard (something as simple as calling me was of high standard for him). So in a moment of confusion and tears I said I was done with him. He kept ranting to me that I was the one who didn’t like to tell him how much I loved him in person. This went on all night. Then in the morning texted me again to say Good Morning to which I did not reply. He never reached out to me after that and I assumed he was waiting for me to reach out so a week after the break up I did. I sent him a short letter in which I thanked him for being there for me. I got a reply and he said to move because the relationship wasn’t the same anymore. I broke the contact rule for nothing haha.

  7. So my ex (so weird calling him that) a few weeks ago before the break up he was pretending. Telling me he loved me. He had been planning the breakup for several months which he told me later on. After three years on our anniversary this month during this whole pandemic he finally broke up with me. I sensed it and asked him what was wrong. Right before going to bed. We still live together and it has been so hard. He’s out of town visiting family right now and has not texted for two days. I refuse to initiate contact. As he didn’t want to fight for the relationship. What hurts is how fast it looks like he’s moved on. Meanwhile I’m still grieving.

    1. I know that feeling all too well, it’s difficult and I have probably helped my ex far too much since he decided we were over. I helped with stuff for his new place and he stayed in the family home until he had everything ready at his new place. Now I find myself wondering how stupid I have been, why I made it all so easy on him and why on earth I didnt just think of myself more. The answer is because I didnt want to lose him but I see now I already had. Today I will be strong and not message first, but I know I will be heart broken all over again when I dont hear anything from them. I wish that I had the same ability to turn my feelings off after such a long time, but I guess I will learn, I just need to allow myself time to do that.
      I hope you are doing ok x

    2. Yeah I feel you. My ex if 2 years announced he wanted to separate at the end of april then a day after I quit my job then after that I found out I was pregnant. The day I had a traumatizing abortion he broke up with me because I was emotional and begging trying to change his mind and yeah that led him to anger and he broke up with me, then he reconsidered and got skeptical again straight after that and I stupidly begged and pushed him away. After that I done no contact and day 18 he messaged me asking to talk then he phoned saying he misses me and still loves me, he doesnt want to het back together but rekindle things and see how he feels within a couple of months. It’s really hard to rekindle things when all you’re getting is one word replies and he’s stopped initiating but it’s hard to have an interesting conversation with lockdown going on. I just feel I need to stop before I end up getting hurt again I really want to be back with him though every relationship deserves a second chance and usually the second time is alot stronger.

      1. Hi,
        That sounds like such a tough situation, regardless of anything else going on he should have supported you so much more through that difficult time. No it wouldnt have been easy for him, but you needed support and he didnt provide.
        I’ve made it to a much better place now, I havent cried myself to sleep for a week, which sounds so ridiculous but I’m proud of it!
        I had really cut back on contacting him, and then he began contacting me constantly! He has even admitted to checking my facebook and being paranoid about new friends that have popped up. We speak every single day and video call, he says he only wants to be friends but then says he will be really hurt when I move on. I just dont know what to think, is there a chance we can get things back? Am I reading too much into everything? Who knows

  8. Hi there brad, My girlfriend just broke up with me about four days ago she said that she needed to focus on college. I did beg and plead for her to come back for at least the first day or two. I stopped begging and pleading after two days and I called her she explaind that I had said some things during the relationship that had upset her and that along with her college we’re the two main reasons as to why she broke up with me. I told her I regret what I did and she forgive me. She then said her family and friends don’t like me anymore and that She has to block me on everything. This upset me because I still wanted to be friends, anyway she blocked me on everything except WhatsApp, we called later that day and she said to me that her dad didn’t want her talking to me as a friend because he was worried she would fall for me and come crawling back i asked her if that was true which she responded yes she would. The next day I called bed again to ask if she meant what she said the previous day which she responded again with a yes this made me feel great until she said she still couldn’t because off college. She had to go so I called her back after. Where I said to her about still being with me and focus on college she still denied. She then starting getting annoyed and when I asked do you still love me she responded by saying I still love you and care about you but I have to focus on college. She then changed her mind when I asked if she would come back to me. As I said before she had said yes previously and this time she said no she dose not take ex,s back. The question I have is why does she still Love and care about me and keep changing her mind about being with me and saying she will never come back to an ex even when she was saying yes before I’m really confused and upset because I don’t want to loose her can you help?

  9. Dear Zan,

    I loved what you say in here. I just want to ask about my situation me and my ex bf broke up almost 5months ago right after we broke up he started dating and aready had a new gf after a month. When he was breaking up with me he said his feelings was lost coz i was so needy of his time and his schedule was so tight those days so he said he fell out of love and had been thinking of ending us two weeks before. He said he doesn’t want to loose me entirely so he wants me to be his bestfriend coz that is what he feels for me he said. I refused and told him I cannot coz i love him so much so i told him goodbye and he understand that I didn’t want to be friends i went NC for a month but when i saw him posting the pic of the new girl i texted him the first time i broke NC it was already a month he said he was glad i reached out to him and i said if we can talk in person he said no need coz he already made his decision to be just friends. I was so devastated. So i again refused being friends but i tried to reach out to him couple of days after trying to be friendly but he never texts me first so i went NC AGAIN for two months until again i reached out to him asking how he is. He responds still to my messages but never reaches out first and recently i saw his picture with his new gf he seemed happy. It hurts a lot. After i reached out to him i am now couple of dayd not talking to him and he doesn’t reach out to me as well. Why is this happening? Does it mean he is serious with this new girl and she is not a rebound? Please give me some advice on what to do. I hope i can get him back. Should I just stay away or continue communicating to him as a friend to try to rekindle our relationship? Plz give me some light

    Thank you

    Rain

  10. I truly enjoy reading your blog! Thank you ! I have beeb in a chaotic relationship for many years. I have been loving a woman for many years. She keeps sending me mix signals. Recently I asked her where I stand for her and she responded that she only care for me and was quite annoyed that I confront her. We exchanged a few short texts for New Year and her birthday but nothing very warm. While I still would like to be friend with her, I decided to become distant with her. We did not contact each other for a month. Lately, we went to a party with mutual friends and we ignored each other. She arrived at the party after me and did a vague hello in my direction while I was expecting a kiss as usually. So I did not try to engage a discussion with her. When I left I said bye to her since she was sitting next to the host. In fact I do not consider her as my ex since we were not romantically engaged (we had sex once a long time ago). I am even not sure why we don’t talk to each other since after I asked her where I stand since we communicated on several occasions. I am dying to contact her. Yet, I think that since she knows that I love her, she should contact me if she feels for me. If she does not It will mean that she does not care about this relationship and I will move up for ever. I am a little lost. Please note that we are mature persons in our 50th and I feel a little discouraged to have to write this at my age. I will appreciate any input. Thanks a lot.

  11. Hi, we were married for 20 years and 2.5 years ago my husband and I ended. In the last 3 months he has contact me. We were talking really well, then he changed his Facebook picture to an ex-girlfriend. This really hurts as I still love him. He said it was just a friend but I know differently as we share two children.

    I told him I didn’t want to talk anymore. Things have got a lot weirder. I text him, he texts back. Now we are sending pictures of ourselves to each other. He has told me now that I will one day find someone and wants a divorce. He sends me pictures when I’m on a date, which messes everything up.

    He tells me he’s now asexual but still dating? He tells me I look ok the laughs and say I look nice.

    All this has messed up my situation. I lost my job, losing my house and I’ve lost my licence. What is going on here, I was doing really well before he contacted me. Why and what do I do. What is he doing?

  12. Hi Zan, was wondering, me and my ex broke up about 2.5 months ago, after a week he contacted me because he miss me, we did talk about why i wanted to break up and he was taking it harder than me. He asked if he could come for my birthday which last week to try and rekindle our relaitonship. i have explained what i was not pleased with so i was waiting to see if anything improved.

    The first two days he was good, he even offered to take my shopping bag without me asking. Comes the 3rd and 4th day it’s like hes back to his old self, quiet and hold my bag for 5 seconds and give it back to me to hold. I told him he’s using the blanket but why am i carrying it for him, it doesn’t make sense. I didn’t want to argue but i hold his hand on the way to airport and said I don’t want to be snobbish on the last few minutes he’s here. But he didn’t get the hint. After i drove off i got a message from him saying that at least i can see that he can be sweet sometimes and not sweet sometimes and that is the real him.

    I was rather disappointed because I gave him two months to think it over and to improve and i have told everything that I was not happy with and he said he will do better. i replied his msg and said i appreciate him coming over and trying to be nice but i want a little more from him. I want to be pampered like how i pampered him but i understand why he cannot be consistent and i hope he finds another girl that is not so negative. he said i was negative because i only see the things that he doesnt do.

    A couple of day has passed and im wondering if i have been too harsh on him. My concern is, if he wanted me back so badly but is not enough to motivate him to be better even for just 4 days what will happen in future and if i reached out first he will think hes king of the world.
    Lets say we have a child and i will be carrying all the bags because he does not want to help or thinks i can carry myself.

    I really am not trying to be picky but I feel like hes not trying very hard, the moment i start to be close with him, he thinks he got me back and slacks off. The thing i like about him is he does wnat a serious relationship with me and a future. I thought for a couple of days if i should reach out to try again? Im actually afraid that he will ignore my message and ill be bruised.

    My friends ask me if i could live with his bad habits for life, part of me says no, and part of me says yes. After all no one is perfect. I might feel regret if i don’t give it a try this time.
    The first break up i was broken for a few weeks after that i was okay, i didn’t look for him at all throughout the whole time, he was the one who reached out first and he complained why i sound so cold. he was rather whiny and keep talking when he reached out – but when we are f2f he doesn’t seem as chatty at Day3.

    Should i reach out? and what should i say?

  13. Hey Zan,

    To me minds a lil difficult. Me an my ex broke up in may she reached out to me in September everything was literally going good then she vanished I begged pleaded everything I shouldnt do I did… she threaten me.. I stopped tryna reach out 2 months later which is November 2019 she reaches back out… I’m not over her so I kinda begged and pleaded so she blocked me the day before thanks giving and unblocked 2 days later… I told her if your gonna be here then be here if not then leave and never return because you know my ultimate goal is to get you back.. of shes still here but I initiate contact first… she replies most of the time pending on what I say.. she says the doesnt want me but when I say ima fight for you love and get you back she tell me to stop talking about and do it then. I’m confused in her actions what is her motives. Is she testing me or playing me? Can u help my understand better?

    1. Hi Curtis.

      She’s angry at your insecure post-breakup actions and isn’t being completely honest with you.

      She’s basically saying that if you think you can do it, then do it. But she knows that you’re never going to be able to win her back.

      So take my warning and leave her alone forever. She doesn’t want to be chased.

      Best,
      Zan

  14. Dear Zan,

    My girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me 8 months ago and i begged and pleaded 5 times for the first 4 months and then decided to go full No contact . Her reason for breaking up with me is that i was not aggressive enough with life and that lifes disappointments easily weighed me down so she left me so that i dont continue feeling the pressure she puts on me -Since the break up i have significantly improved myself even during the months i begged an pleaded. I started a business that is doing relatively well, i work out and have a great body now and i have been quite social especially in the second half of the year.

    I have recently met someone and we’ve been hanging out occasionally. One day my Ex’s friends saw me out having lunch with this girl. I didnt see them and only found out when one of their boyfriends called me to ask if i am dating which i didn’t answer. 5 days After my Ex’s birthday in September (Which i ignored), my ex reached out with a a half asked messege asking me for my cousins contacts. I gladly gave them to her and asked her if she was well- She was quite energized in the text response telling me about her family and work. I responded with a positive but quite generic message that my work and family are well and that i need to go to sleep since i have an early morning.I closed by saying we should meet up soon to catch up. which she responded by saying -Great.

    Its been 10 days and i am not sure if i should reach out or wait to text me again for me to initiate the meet up

    Kindly help

    Robert

    1. Hi Robert.

      Don’t ever invite your ex out again. She already has all the power over you. So let her do the initiation if she wants to see you.

      Stay in no contact indefinitely and wait for your ex.

      Until then, enjoy your life and keep improving yourself.

      You’re doing great!

      Best regards,
      Zan

  15. Long story short we dated 13 years ago, always had a thing for each other, found each other again 10 months ago and jumped in 100%. He was coming out of a bad divorce and wasn’t ready, even though it was his idea to move so fast. Work got hard and he became depressed and broke up with me. The week prior to the breakup he was telling me he didn’t want to lose me and he was so unhappy, and needed to figure out how to get happy. I did no contact for 8 weeks and then reached out. He was very happy and was texting me and sending me funny videos and pictures. Then I asked him to meet up and he broke our plans due to work. He said he is too busy to hang out now with work and we will “hang sometime in the next few weeks”. I am so upset since we have this history and connection, and he is giving up. He knows I want to see him, as I have asked him a few times. I want to regain the power, as I know I have been too needy in asking him to hang. I believe we are right for each other, and we jumped in too fast and need to reset. Help!

    1. Hi Krissy.

      As you say, your ex needs time to process what he’s dealing with. So be respectful of his emotions and give him time. If he truly thinks you connect well, he will come back for you. If not… you know where he stands.

      Stay strong and let him initiate!

      Best regards,
      Zan

  16. So the gal I was talking to decided it was a good idea to stick around after my mother had passed away,hanging out at least 2 times a week,for 6 months,out of the blue she just stopped contact,It has tore a hole in me honestly,I fell in love,I do not want to feel like this for her,it’s blinding what was her intent in getting close to someone mourning..aside from that she was very challenging,took like a month just for a kiss,guessing she was a virgin church gal,maybe it’s her good side that has me this way?

    1. Hi Carlos.

      You might have indeed fallen for her innocence.

      I can’t say what the girl’s intentions were, but I don’t think she meant to use you.

      I hope you get over her quickly so that you can meet someone who will stay in your life.

      Best regards,
      Zan

  17. Hey. My exgirlfriend brokeup with few days befor new year. Then she contact after 4 days hiw i am and i text back. Then we text every 4-5days between. Then i went ti her place for my stuff and she tells me that we will hear each other later for coffee.i said to her that i need time and went first time in no contact but after e weeks she had birthday so i wish her and start text few days but she was not interestex into text and she always text me she is psyhology destroyed always negative. So i decide to stop texting and went again to no contact. She never initiate contact with just after new year since still now. She didnt even text for my birthday….like i do not exist anymore. Now is 8 months and i am ok and then just came one day when i just cant stop thinking about her and all the fun we had together. I still miss her. Now we are more than 3 months without contacting and it not easier at all. I really try my best not to text and work all day, train 5 days and hiking every weekend but she is still in mymind. Today is again this day i am a mess. I miss her so much but i know i madw mistake. She dont trust me anymore. I was few times in decemberin a bed mood and one day she had enough. She said she need time so i went to my house and we decide to go together skiing after new year. Few days before that i asked my friend about her and how she is.. my friend is with a girl who is good friend with my ex…and she freak out why i am trying to talk with our friends about us…i now it is pathetic from me but i am in good mood and happy for whole month and then one day i can cry like a baby…

      1. Since our breakup she blocked me after she learnt my feelings for her and i tried reaching out to her but she has blocked me again and again

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