Whether you should stay with your ex after the breakup, in my opinion, depends on two factors:
- how you were treated after the breakup
- what your ultimate goal is.
If you are merely looking for a friendly companion to do the things friends do and nothing more, then go ahead and be friends with your ex.
Please be aware that by staying friends with your ex-partner, you are reducing yourself to a friendship level and not an inch further.
By accepting your ex’s friendship, you, in essence, agree to hold the value of that of a friend. In doing so, you end up permanently trapping yourself in the dreadful friends’ zone which is going to be one hell of a challenge to climb out of (if you still want to win your ex back).
If you want him or her back, I strongly warn you against befriending your ex as it’s the last thing that is going to help you.
Should I be friends with my ex?
There are absolutely no advantages to staying friends with your ex. Absolutely none. If your ex is a guy, then you might get called over for a booty call at 2 in the morning. And that’s it…
Avoid becoming a piece of disposable meat and say no. Guys don’t bond through sex the same way women do, so let that thought go.
If your ex is a female, sex might help you win her back. Unfortunately, it will not lead to that very often—especially if things were ugly and messy during and after the breakup.
Sure, in some cases, staying friends with your ex right after the breakup can work in your favor. Those times are very rare, so don’t get your hopes up. It can work during fake-ups when the couple was going to get back together anyway.
Theoretically, what couples are having, in this case, is make-up sex after a bigger argument, therefore we can’t really consider it a breakup.
Staying friends with your ex is disrespectful to the dumpee. It tells the dumper that he can treat you however he wants and at the same time, allow him to continue receiving the benefits of the relationship.
Most of the time he is only going to use you to get over you, and later on as an emotional tampon for his problems (life issues, partner, family, etc).
Staying friends with your ex when he is with someone new
You should definitely become close to your ex once again when the time is right, of course. The real question is when? Optimally it would be when their relationship is breaking apart and he needs to be reminded what a great person you are in contrast to his new partner.
Fortunately for you, if you are following a strict indefinite no-contact rule, you won’t know whether your ex is having relationship issues or not.
Because exes come back for all the wrong reasons, I can almost assure you that he will contact you himself when he is sad and depressed enough. All you have to do is sit tight patiently and work on becoming the best version of yourself.
If your ex left you for someone else, you need to stay far away from him. Downgrading your status because your ex wants to be friends with you after the breakup is wrong on so many levels.
First of all, it shows you have no self-respect, and secondly, he’s got you cornered like a mouse. Being strung along is painfully irritating. Something tells me you don’t want to stick around for him to tell you all about his new love life.
Instead, distance yourself from your ex and let him experience life with this new person. Chances are he will contact you again when his new relationship is falling apart. Until then, stay as far away from your ex as possible.
Your ex is acting cold and distant
If you want to get your ex back, you have got to let your ex go through the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper.
If you try to stay in her life when she is experiencing extreme relief to be single again, you are going to get repelled immensely. Instead of pushing your luck, go no-contact, and stay there. It’s the safest place to be as it allows you to heal and your ex to run out of steam.
You will be tempted to check on your ex numerous times. Don’t break the silence no matter what! I’ve done the work for you so that you know what your ex is thinking and feeling in no-contact.
Your ex’s defenses will slowly come down when you show her you don’t want her anymore. It’s completely counterintuitive as it makes her want you more when you need her less.
Unfortunately, you can only begin attracting her when you remove your attention completely. This is the most important part to pull off correctly when it comes to getting her back.
With your attention still present, she knows that she can have you back whenever she wants to. Your ex will never feel any attraction for you as long as you are pretending to be her friend. If you show her you still possess feelings for her, you will come off as desperate and clingy, and that is not a very attractive trait.
Your ex knows this. She can feel the neediness within you and is grinning on the inside at the thought of receiving your unconditional love and attention.
It’s impossible to value something or someone when you know you can always have it.
Zan
Should I stay friends with my ex if I want her back?
Not in a million years! You’ll have better chances of reconciliation by being your ex’s enemy, rather than a friend with no self-respect or value to your ex. At the very least, an enemy is fighting for his beliefs.
I’m not saying you should be mean in any way. Instead, be indifferent and respectful at the same time. Stay playful and show her the breakup has no effect on you, even if you are dying on the inside. Your ex doesn’t know what you feel on the inside unless you let your emotions get the best of you.
Weeks after the breakup when your ex reaches out first is when you should accept to be “friends” with your ex. This, of course, is no more than a verbal or written agreement of the invitation.
The dynamics of the whole relationship don’t change one bit. You must remain indifferent until things start to change for the better.
Hopefully, you now see that staying with your ex will cause you more suffering than pleasure. If friends are what you’re looking for, make new ones. Being one with your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend is going to be a living nightmare.
Did you stay friends with your ex? How did it go for you? Let us know in the comments below.
This is some great content. I remember my father telling me something like this, “Everything can be replaced.” I remember this from my first breakup. I didn’t agree with him at the time. It wasn’t until I was in my mid 30’s, a light switch turned on. Actually a series of events destroyed my belief system. Lack of intrest, emotions, communication and time together. She was from WNY and I was from the Midwest. We tried living together, had to live with my parents. I was in school and she was working a part time job. We did that for 2 years until she grew to hate the location. She made fun of everyone in the Midwest. Nothing made her happy, the Midwest was boring and full of gun fanatics. She left and we began seeing each other LDR again. I loved her, even got engaged. Life had its way and we began to have issues. Infedelity on my half and emotional cheating on her half. We made it work, at least I thought so. Eventually she began to get more distant and distracted, talked and saw each other less. She didn’t want a relationship, yet refused to breakup. She wanted to be friends, though we couldn’t talk every single day. I remembered what my dad said, it finally made sense. “EVERYTHING IS REPLACEABLE.” That means even me and the relationship I wanted. I said my final goodbye almost 3 years ago, I don’t plan to ever reach out. Love is blind, yet it’s a choice.
Hi Zan, thanks so much for your blog and insights.
I would really appreciate your thoughts and help. I have been in a really difficult situation since my ex and I broke up 6 months ago, I have been very depressed and my emotions up and down. When I speak to him less it is helpful, but he still stays in contact. The problem and reason that I can’t go completely NC is because I still live in the flat we shared and he has been kind enough to still pay 1/2 the rent as I have not been working…
The background is quite complicated, as he didn’t exactly break up with me.. I was unhappy with a situation on NYE and said that I was unhappy with certain things.. his response “was is that is the way you really feel there is not real chance for us”. But ironically a few days before I broke up with him (he came back saying he wanted it to work and was heartbroken) but the tension was a build up and we had had some problems for a few months and I became irritable… ultimately I was unhappy because, although separated for 5 years he is still married and was very uncomfortable with that, he also has a teenage son which demanded so much attention. It seemed that there was so many strains and pressures on him, including finding a decent job, that he was becoming emotional strained with life, plus me being upset was making things worse…but the said things is he thought that we were perfect in so many ways,,, but he found me a bit of a handful and emotionally demanding.. which
Since the breakup we have been very amicable, no arguments at all. Hes said that he enjoys my company, loves talking to me but can’t offer a proper full time relationship as he hasn’t got the capacity…he hasn’t been out drinking really and says he become a hermit and isn’t interested in meeting anyone.. he says that he is enjoying the simplicity of not being in a relationship and concentrating on the fundamentals like his son, career, earning money.
So i guess I am still feeling stuck as I feel like build the strength up to be independent (even though I miss him lots and he misses me) but keeping getting roped back when he contacts me (like recently he was offered a job and was proud to tell me) I am just so confused, he says its the circumstances as to why we are not together and he does sound a bit depressed and stressed – but then other says that if someone really loves you they would be with you? Anyway I want to break free now but his contact destroys me every time he reaches out… i am in the flat until December… maybe I can do indefinite not contact then i just want to cut the ties and try and find my own sense of happiness… I miss him deeply but in the end he is still trapped in a marriage or duty is seems and still wants to support her for his son… 🙁
Sorry to add I just don’t know if he is stringing me along with saying its the circumstances as to why we are not together.. he was unhappy before because i was moody which made him unhappy and he says he associates me with stress and wants to feel good about himself.. the strange this is that he’ll call occasionally when drunk and we have such fun and chats.. recently we did this and he said he loves me to bits, but he wasn’t will to put his son second.. and said that when hes ready for a relationship and settle down he would want to do that with me… its so so many conflicting messages!! its so distressing!! he also said if i wanted to have a proper relationship with someone I should go and find that.. is so confusing – if he really loved me surely he would be jealous and not want me to be with anyone else!! 🙁 x
Biggest mistake!!! After almost a month of being broken up, he asked to be friends to see where our friendship would go and i agreed to this ONLY because he was willing to see where our friendship would go after being separated for a month. 4 months in our “friendship” and it was nothing but constant fights. we were hooking up and doing things together, but he was also talking to other girls and I couldnt stand this. Basically he was wanting to have his cake and eat it too. I still had really big feelings for him and finally i tried talking to him about my feelings and he wasn’t willing to really talk so i just let it all out over a text message and told him i couldnt be friends anymore if it wasn’t going anywhere. I told him i felt lied too because he knew from the beginning i didnt want to be his friend if it wasnt going anywhere and he sounded like he wanted the same thing. Anyways, I laid it all out and told him i just couldnt handle being friends, especially if he was going to be hanging around other girls and he just sounded like he doesnt really care but still insisted we could be friends. I probably sounded a bit needy/desperate in my text messages but i needed to let him know how i was feeling. I ended up deleting him from all social media and now i’m just going into straight no contact AGAIN to see if that helps. We have had a weird relationship on and off for about 2 years so I know he has feelings, just has major commitment issues. hes even told me. I hope this no contact works. But as for friends, i learned my lesson on that.
Thanks again, zan! Keep on inspiring! I’m friends with my ex now. Not the best of friends or the friends friends kind. I don’t know how to explain. We’ve talked already 10 months after the breakup and decided we could be friends. We seldom text each other. Just a question or two and no more. We don’t really talk long. And it’s totally fine. I now consider him my friend..
Hi Jes.
Thank you for your kind words!
It’s okay to be friends with your ex if you no longer love him. You have nothing to lose.
Best regards,
Zan
I thought i was ok. I’ve been friends with my ex like what i’ve told you months ago. We have even met each other again and had dinner together with his sister and cousins. I knew he has a girlfriend because he left me for another girl. But just recently he posted a greeting for their anniversary. It was the first time that he posted something about his girlfriend. And i felt hurt. I don’t really know or understand what i feel. I believe i don’t want him back, but i kind of felt envious of them.
Hello Zan, great article!
My ex broke up with me at the end of August 2019. She wanted to stay friends. I did NC through September and called her at the beggining of October. She was pretty distant at the start, but she quickly began to be draw back to me. She was saying she want us to be friends only, but after some time she began to crumble. She even came to my city (we were LDR) and we’ve had sex, then two weeks later i drove to her. We were like a couple again. That was like end of November – begging of December.
Suddenly, in the middle of December, something happened. She said she really tried to love me again, really tried to trust me, but she’s unable to. She knows she can’t be with me, she wants me to find somebody else and she will do it too. I took it playfully, hoping that’s only a emotional outburst.
She was not treating me like “friend” but really A Friend. She was calling me often, saying I’m very important for her, we’ve had some flirt at times, she told me sometimes she wants to hug me – but only as goddamned friend, and she was angry anytime I said anything about relationship.
Finnaly, in two days ago I crumbled. I told her through phone that’s relationship or nothing – and call me if you change your mind. She was shocked, and asked me if I’m serious. I said yes and after few seconds she just said ,,bye”.
Now I don’t know what to feel now. I know I want to stay in NC till she reach out to me (IF she reach out), but do you think it was a good decision in my situation?
Thanks for reading my story! Kind regards,
Mack.
Dear Zan
My ex broke up with me after 3 yrs relationship. We’d been living together for 2.5 yrs and he told me he loves me so much but for future, he is not sure if he wants stay with me forever or if I’m the right person for him. He is 13 yrs older than me and I believe that decision wasn’t make overnight. I moved out and he told me, he wants to be my best friend and just follow his heart to see if he really misses me or not… I told myself, left me means not love enough, I don’t want reduce myself to become his friend and I don’t want give him chance to heal from me either.. but I’m so hurt and I kinda thought I’d stay around will gangs his mind.. please tell me what should I do, I knew I shouldn’t stay around but please give me some more confidence.
Sincerely
Zoe
Hi Zoe.
Staying his friend wouldn’t make you feel any better. You would remain hungry for his attention and very vulnerable.
So for now, try to surround yourself with friends and family who care about you. Go out as much as you can and get incredibly busy.
Your ex stopped appreciating you and it’s not your fault. He didn’t express gratitude and value you enough.
Stay strong!
Zan
Dear Zan
I really like your articles and have learned so much from them.
He and I had 7 months’ relationship, which ended 2 M ago. Prior to actual dating, he had a crush on me for 2.5 years. During that time, we exchanged emails and already connected emotionally. When we first met, we really clicked right away. After 1 month, I told him that I am 10 years older than he and we were at different stages of life…and i told him to get married and raise a family with another girl while we remaining as friends. I also told him that I am not interested in getting married.
After that talk, we continued to date like an ordinary couple except for words like ‘l love you and etc’ and being intimate. We lived 1.5 hours’ distance but he frequently came to see me. It was always he that initiated all the talks and meet-ups. We constantly talked on the phone or texts. I really like that kind of relationship…platonic love…our conversations really touching our souls. He wanted to get married but he was so unlucky when it comes to marriage…so I assumed that he would not get married any time soon. Instead, he said that we would travel together when we get very old and take a walk together holding hands and etc.
We finally had a trip to paris. We had a lot of fun. Finally we had sex. But, I suspected that he was texting another girl at the end of the trip. She asked him to buy something for her and he apparently seemed excited to see her. When we got back, I couldn’t smile at him but didn’t confront him regarding the girl. It was I that told him to see a girl (to marry). I told him that I wouldn’t see him again. He didn’t resist that at all but wanted to remain as friends. I said no. He then said “call me anytime you want my advice on your work or when you miss me”. I said that wouldn’t happen. We broke up just like that.
I didn’t know I would miss him this much. As I had prepared myself for the potential breakup, I didn’t give much to him. But, it is really painful. I got anxiety attacks and now am speaking to a professional counselor. After the breakup, I was on NC. But, I once texted him, seeking his advice on my work but he didn’t reply. It was quite a shock to me. Since then, I am on NC. I heard nothing about him but it seems that things didn’t work out with the new girl. But, he is still not reaching out to me.
I miss him but I can’t bring myself to forgive him for treating me like that – right after we started sleeping together, he got excited about another girl. I wouldn’t be upset if he told me the truth but he lied to me a few times. I know I shouldn’t want back a man like him or shouldn’t keep him even as a friend. But, I am in so much pain now. In this case, am I the dumper or dumpee? Is it wrong to stay as friends with him as we were friends most of times? Why is he not replying to my text although he was the one who encouraged me to? 10 year age difference is too much for a man, right? (he said it was okay at first, though) Please help and thank you.
Hi Kate.
Thanks for sharing your story.
From what I understand, the solid foundation had already been built with your ex prior to dating him, as you were good friends. Despite not putting a label on the relationship, the two of you were romantically involved, and were technically a couple for 7 months – which can barely be considered long-term. What I mean by that is that the longer you are with a person, the more you are able to bond, connect and stick together.
The Paris girl:
Despite your ex telling you the age difference isn’t an issue for him, it probably is. This is especially true when he has a girl his age right next to him. With a snap of the fingers, his opinion changed, and she appeared as a better option (age-wise). Basically, you were his best option until the next (best) thing crossed his path. Because he was perfectly content with his current situation, he easily said goodbye to you, and proceeded on dating her.
By saying, call me when you want, he wanted to look like a nice guy to himself (mainly) and you (to avoid hurting your feelings).
I think staying friends wouldn’t be beneficial to your recovery after that, so thank him for remaining silent.
You probably miss some parts of his personality, and the way he made you feel. The fact that you are suffering tremendously means you are the dumpee. You are hurting because you feel abandoned and undervalued. Him ignoring you only makes things worse for you. He has a different source of supply, hence why he doesn’t feel the need to reply. He’s either happy as he is now (alone or in a relationship) or he is going through the “stages for the dumper.” Either way, you know your worth, and that you can’t expect anything from him. You can’t be friends with him until you are completely healed. You should avoid all contact with him until:
1)he reaches out to you
2)enough time has passed for you to feel fully healed (July, August next year at the earliest is my presumption. It could be earlier, but that really depends on your mental focus.)
Here are a few things that might have turned him off:
– 10 year difference (is quite a lot for a guy)
– Unavailability due to the 1.5hr long-distance relationship.
– you not wanting to marry
Even though things didn’t work out with the girl, it doesn’t always mean he is going to run back to you. If he did, you would know it’s for the wrong reason, and that there are things that bother him. As you said yourself, you shouldn’t want him back because he left so easily. If he did it once, what stops him from doing it again? He will reach out when his ego drops and feels a lot of emotional pain due to whatever reason.
I really hope you are bringing your anxiety under control by reminding yourself, it’s him, not you. The time will come when you are no longer dependent on him, and are able to function at your best.
Kind regards,
Zan
Zan
Thank you so much for your insight. It really helped me to see things from his eyes. Very understandable. Given a second chance, I would again encourage him to date a girl his age.
I am quite unlucky as I am going through the worst kind of break-up pain. As you said, I am a dumpee, who is supposed to get better as time goes by, right? But, what I am going through is 5 stages of a dumper. I was relieved at first and then got really angry. My logical side controlled my brain at that time. I was eager to date other men and looking really happy in my selfies. But, bad memories of his behavior in our last few weeks are all gone and good memories are coming back. That was when I texted him, which he ignored. After that, I had a lingering anxiety. Later I thought I felt better. But for the last few days, I miss him like crazy…maybe due to hormonal cycles. Hope this will take its natural course and I will be okay.
I am quite old but I never learned how to be mature…maybe I never learn how to cope with pain in life. I played with fire and I need to pay the price accordingly. This time, I will just feel the pain and hope it will eventually give me the opportunity to grow as a person.
Thank you again for this great forum you established. Reading your articles did help me heal.
Have a merry Christmas and happy a new year!!!
regards,
Kate
Hi Kate.
Logically you knew that your ex wasn’t a great fit for you, hence why the separation made sense to you. It brought temporary joy and relief. Since he didn’t chase after you, and went with the other girl instead, this shattered your ego, and raised his value in your eyes (even though nothing has changed).
Ignoring a person sometimes does that – creates anxiety which you mistake for needing him. It’s quite the opposite when you rationally think about it. He promised to be there for you, but refused to keep his word when you expected him to be nice to you, or at least on talking terms. You miss him because you think you need him for your existence. Your belief is that much stronger because he doesn’t pay you much attention, and is acting and being selfish.
This isn’t you paying the price. Of course, learn what you can and improve for starters. As time flies, you will realise whether he was the best for you. Right now, you are in a highly emotional state, and aren’t thinking straight. When you become more detached, you will no longer require his presence to validate you.
Enjoy your holidays.
Kind regards,
Zan