There are many reasons why exes come back. In a nutshell, they come back for love, security, and validation.
But why would an ex come back after he said he would never get back together with you?
I know you might not be interested in knowing why exes come back, as long as he is back in your arms.
I only ask you to hear me out so you know the reasons your ex dumper might/has come back.
The information provided in this article will hopefully change your perspective on this matter.
Why do exes come back?
After studying dumpees’ and dumpers’ behavior day in, day out, I can confidently proclaim that exes come back for all the wrong reasons you can think of.
Instead of indulging in a heartwarming moment when your ex dumper knocks on your doors and exclaims he’s made a mistake, you should be asking yourself the following questions:
- What has gone wrong in my ex’s life?
- Is he sick, depressed, lonely, bored, tired of looking for love?
- Did he just get rejected and dumped, or perhaps did the dumping himself?
- Could he be here to use me to validate himself and feel better?
- He knows I “love” him, so he’s come back for seconds. Why wouldn’t he leave again? What’s changed for the better?
There’s no easy way to tell if he’s come back for the right reasons. Asking him the above questions directly is going to manifest positive answers you expect to hear from him.
This doesn’t mean they are genuine though. They are most likely true to some degree, but not completely.
If he said he came back to you because he doesn’t love his new partner or feels incredibly depressed without you, chances are you would reject him.
Instead, he would say he misses you, and that he only sees the future with you.
Exes come back for themselves, not you!
When the dumper comes back, it’s nothing like when you first met him. Back then, he was ecstatic and excited to share his life with you. He was full of joy and charisma.
This time, there’s a darkness of solitude in him. In contrast to when you first started dating, he is now at your front door solely to help himself, and no longer you.
Don’t let his empty promises deceive you. He will do anything to prove his loyalty to you because he is experiencing extreme sadness and dissatisfaction with his life.
If life has taught me anything, it’s that people don’t act before they absolutely have to. Your ex acts out of anxiety, which is fear.
The need to feel valued is so big that the dumper will cross deserts to feel safe again. Subconsciously, he knows he has to do something to fill the void, so you become his next victim.
He will tell you everything you want to hear. He will say he loves you, can’t live without you, needs you, and has to have you.
Is the dumper lying, you ask? No, he’s telling the truth. He needs you for his own selfish benefits. He would never beg for you to take him back if he were happy and content with himself.
When you get back together with an ex who has abandoned you cold-heartedly, know that instead of having a gleeful person, you now have a wounded soldier.
He’s the wound, and you’re his bandage.
What is my ex thinking?
When your ex leaves you, and you beg him to be with you, his ego increases so much he thinks he can have you back whenever he wishes.
You essentially become his safety net – the backup plan so to speak. So when things go south on his end, he is first going to think of you and leech off you for emotional support.
Your ex, like most humans, is powered by emotions. He wants to feel safe and secure in his life. The easiest way for him to feel that way is to remember the times when he didn’t feel the way he currently does.
That’s when he’ll think to himself, “I have to do something to ease my anxiety. I’ll talk to my ex and see if she will take me back. She can take my problems away like she did in the past, so I have nothing to lose.”
Your ex is in a very selfish state of mind. He wants what is best for him, and will do so regardless of his moral standards.
And because your ex is in the “me” mentality, he will always prioritize his own well-being over yours, so please pay attention to this. His demeanor is definitely going to appear inauthentic and extremely sweet.
When someone showers you with compliments and attention for no apparent reason, he does so because he seeks something from you.
Normally, this person expects in return exactly what he gives. He wants you to reciprocate on the same or higher level, which again proves he’s doing it for himself.
My ex has come back because he wants me to feel better
Relationships are meant to work on give-take dynamics. When someone decides to take and take and take from you without giving anything sincere and genuine in return, you have a big problem.
The best way to tell whether your ex’s intentions are genuine is to observe his behavior over a long period of time. People – especially your ex have a short fuse when it comes to patience and sincerity.
My guess is not many people will be able to fake their real selves for more than a few weeks. People have a tendency to fall back into their comfort zone and forget what their fake persona looks like.
So if you suspect your ex isn’t being his regular self, be patient and wait long enough to see your ex’s real colors.
You might be surprised when you realize that he hasn’t changed at all.
What should I do when my ex comes back?
There are many things you should be aware of before accepting your ex back. Be careful how you allow this person back in your heart.
If you just open the doors fully and let him walk in as if nothing happened, chances are he is going to walk back out again when he feels better.
The reason for that is that he hasn’t had to invest in you again. He entered the relationship with the purpose of healing himself.
If you want the most out of the relationship, I strongly advise you to make your ex work hard to keep you. You can do so by showing him you won’t tolerate his ungrateful behavior the second time around and transform into a person with high self-esteem.
When should I take my ex back?
I am personally not a huge advocate of getting back together with your ex.
Most of the reasons why I don’t support reconciliations are directed strongly at dumpers.
Some of these reasons are being treated badly post-breakup: Ignoring, disparaging, talking badly, cheating, dating others, lying, deceiving, blaming, and many more.
When your ex dumper treats you like a cockroach, he doesn’t just appear as a completely different human being. It’s not some temporary act of horror and drama, but rather him as a person. It’s who your ex actually is.
Before you get together with this person, please consider his post-breakup words and actions.
You must remember that after the breakup, your ex showed you his true colors. Remember that if he treated you badly, he can do it again. All he needs for his demons to resurface is to stop caring about you again.
That’s why I personally believe in three separate occasions when getting back with an ex can be beneficial.
They are when:
- The breakup occurred due to physical distance and other uncontrollable factors.
- The couple lacked emotional intelligence and needed to spend time apart to be allowed to develop personal maturity (minimum 4 months apart).
- The breakup was or quickly became amicable.
It goes without saying that most ex-couples don’t speak very fondly of each other. Dumpers do it to justify their actions while dumpees do it to alleviate some of the pain and make themselves look better.
To dumpees, it’s therapeutic, while dumpers batter their exes to solidify their decision.
I would actually encourage dumpees to write down their exes’ bad traits and get angry for the way they were treated. Don’t ever withhold your sentiments as it could cause serious depression.
Instead, learn to project the feelings of grief and anger so that you can rejuvenate as quickly as possible.
What are your thoughts about your ex coming back to you? Have you given your ex another chance or are you willing to despite knowing he wants you back for all the wrong reasons? Comment below.
Hi Zan, would appreciate some advice from you here. My ex and I were together for close to 3 years and she broke up with me 3 weeks ago. We met for a meal during which she was silent mostly and I could feel that she was impatient and wanted to stay away from me. She got on a new job just that week ago and I heard from her much lesser since. Had wanted to have a proper talk with her after we got done eating but she was reluctant. I sensed something amiss and pushed through to talk for a while to which she agreed. It was mostly pushing the blame to me and she treated me very coldly and wanted to cut me short. She then broke up with me via text shortly after. She told me that she wanted to focus on her career and I should go and find someone else if I wanted someone to be with me all the time. I had never ever requested the latter. What do you think? Was I really treated badly during the last stage of our relationship and do you think she will ever come back?
I would appreciate some sound advice and I apologize for the length of this. I was in a long distance relationship (different country) for almost 3 years and we are both 50 years old. Very serious and very in love from our first date. We never fought, talked several times daily, and no red flags. We were best friends. Due to the pandemic, we have not seen one another in almost a year, and our original plan for me to relocate was pushed from this past Fall to February 2021. We were excited about marrying and spending the rest of our lives together. Almost 3 weeks ago, a custody battle began that will be a super nasty process (his ex wife is another story). The next day, our conversation was strained, he was irritated and he picked a silly argument with me. I told him I needed to hang up because I was getting mad and didn’t want to fight.
For the next 4 days he completely shut me out, then sent an email breaking it off. I was blindsided and devastated. He cut off contact. Fortunately, I sent only 1 email saying my peace before I found this site and avoided begging & making an a** out of myself. I did almost 2 weeks of NC before he reached out to talk. He asked how I was doing and said he really missed us and his life was sh**. He asked to call me.
I told him I would be ok with talking. He apologized several times and gave the reason that the custody fight was going to be super stressful, financially draining and he was worried that if I moved there, it would make us fight, strain us financially (since I can’t work waiting for my visa), and it would be a huge cloud over our relationship and we’d end up divorced or hating each other. He said mentally and emotionally he could not concentrate on us while dealing with all this and he wants to focus everything on his kids, court and his job to get his life calm & remain healthy (he’s 3 years in remission). I feel if he really loved us, he never would have left, especially the way he did it.
He said he would still like to talk sometimes since we are not breaking up due to a lack of love or not wanting to be together. He called me again 2 days later. He apologized again and said he was thinking with his man brain when he broke up with me. He did say that without the romantic stuff we can talk about other things and build an even stronger foundation for us in the future. I told him that I will respect his space, not reach out and that I am doing things that make me happy since I was putting my life on hold for the move. I have lost 10 lbs and am volunteering, etc.
I also told him he lost my trust, and he did say he wants to rebuild that trust once his life is in order.
I guess I just want an outside opinion on how to do this. I am still honoring NC unless he reaches out, and still want to be with him, but don’t want to be so available just because he reaches out. I’m not crying all the time but still hurting and afraid of getting hurt again. I don’t have a lot of friends here (newer to area) & the pandemic makes socializing much harder. I also need to know how to push the hope for us to be together away. Frankly, I don’t want to be just friends, I was his fiance but want to keep in touch because I think we are meant to be (we meet almost every single thing on the “meant to be list”). I guess I don’t want to be made a fool or be used to make him feel better but think what we had/could have is worth it and might be even better. Thank you for reading this novella, I appreciate any help and advice.
Zan,
Me and my girlfriend broke up in April after I called and told her in August I wanted to date seriously and that I loved her. Before that we dated in 2017 for 2 months but stayed in touch and would hang out whenever I was in town for work in 18 which ended up being like 5-6 times. We didn’t date cuz I told her I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship cuz of my job. I realized I wasn’t ready to get serious since my job requires me to travel a lot but when she decided that we can’t get back together in April 2020 when we broke up again I realized I was an idiot and I didn’t want to lose my best friend and someone I cared about deeply. I contacted her twice over the next 2 months to ask her how I can pursue her at this point and she said both times no communication but she said she still had feelings for me. I drove to see her in June to show her I was ready to get serious and move to her town and she wouldn’t even come see me cuz she said it would be too hard. I asked her if she still had feelings for me and she said feelings don’t go away. She then explained the reason she didn’t want to see me cuz my words meant nothing and that she was getting off the roller coaster. She has never spoken to me like that so I’m convinced she was letting her friend do the texting but still I’m sure she felt those things. I’ve never met her parents or her friends but I know they don’t like me. I’ve made a lot of changes over the last 4 months and I know I’m mature and ready to pursue her the right way and prepare for marriage and life together. Do you think I still have a chance? There has been zero comm in over a month cuz I’m trying the no contact rule but wanted to hear your thoughts! Plus I’m moving close to her town for work in September so I’m hoping maybe she’ll reach out by then!
I have a similar case her Male bestie hates me and dhe kinda tried to contact me after I broke my 2 month no contact to tell her that I moved on and I cant be friends with her and I require no girl
Wish I had read this before I tried with him before. It is so true. Like you were actually there. Caused me a lot of heartache because I thought he truly loved me because we had been together ten plus years. What a stupid fool I was. I let my heart lead me. What it did was push me back in the healing process.
hi Dan, i noticed that several images don’t load on the site. like in this article too.
Hi Tanya.
I’ve checked this page and I don’t see any faulty images.
If you can’t see them, they probably aren’t images.
Don’t worry about it. 😉
Thanks for letting me know.
Best regards,
Zan
Hello zan do you have an email or a snapchat i can talk to you on
Hi Michelle.
My email is in the main page.
I prefer if you leave a short comment here so that I can get back to you on time.
Best regards,
Zan
What’s annoying is with almost all of these articles, they always portray the dumper as male and the Dumpee as female. We want to know what female Dumper’s go through as well.
Hi Guy.
The dumper is indeed often portrayed as a male, but it doesn’t imply that his emotions vary from female’s.
I do use both genders very often so I urge you to read other articles.
Kind regards,
Zan
A great day to you! I hope you’ll be able to read this and give light to my problem. I just went through a break up a month ago.Here’s what happened.
My boyfriend and I (we’re gay) had been together for almost 4 years. And it was totally a great relationship. We see each other for at least 4 days a week and he spends his weekend in my house. I’d say our relationship was special. But, months ago, my boyfriend admitted to me that he’s falling for someone else and said he was sorry and he loves me. So I told him that I understand and that as long as he’s not doing anything to pursue that person, it would not be an issue. Then months went by I have found out that this other person keeps on pushing himself to my ex, which made him fall even more to that other person. Then one time my ex was crying and apologized saying that he kissed that other guy and that he was guilty. He said he’ll do anything so I would forgive him. I said, I won’t leave him and I love him and he has to just leave what happened so we can still be together. However..days passed and things seem to change
He suddenly told me that he needed time and space. He wants us to be friends. He said his love for me was replaced by shame from what he had done. Then..it was like 2 weeks of contact. Most of the time I convinced him to get back to me but he always say that he’s too weak to do it. Then I found out that he spends time seeing that other person and his friends. So we went through an argument until such point where he finally said that we are never getting back together and that I deserve someone better. So I did no contact..after a week he reached out and responded to him and told him about how insulted I was because this other guy whom he likes messaged me and told me that he’s pursuing my ex. My ex said he was sorry..the next day I stopped contacting him again then he reached out again a week after.. And I responded hoping that he changed his mind. However when I opened the possibility of us getting back..he said he’s ashamed of getting back because he doesn’t deserve me. Then I stopped contacting him againg for 12 days then my ex reached out again asking me if I would attend his graduation day (that was 30 days after we broke up). I went there because he asked me and his mother also told me that she wanted me to be there( she doesn’t know about us..she thinks we’re just bestfriends). So fast forward..his mother invited me to stay for the night in their home. So I did. I stayed in my ex’s room I was in the bottom bed of the double deck..Then he seemed quite happy seeing me. Then I tried to talk to him that I want him back but he said “I don’t want you anymore. Sorry.” Then I said “ok. I shouldn’t have shown up.” Then I heard him. He was crying. Then I tried to hold his hand. He was persisting at first but soon he let loose and let me hold his hand..then someone came in so he let go of my hand. Then the next day I went home. He texted me and said “thank you for coming. Take care.” I did not respond. Then that afternoon I invited him to go with me to a museum but he said he can’t. I found out that he’s going with his friends along with that other guy that he likes. So I messaged him a lot of times telling him that he won’t be able to be happy long term if he’s just going to hide away from the problem. All he said was just the same.” He doesn’t deserve me…he feels ashamed of what he did..” so I decided to stop contacting him again..I also found that througout that month that we broke up. He’s been hanging out with his friends and that other guy. They seem to enjoy being together but I am sure they’re not yet an item now..my questions are
Given the circumstance.
Do I get any chance of getting him back when it’s been a month and he still seem firm about his decision.
Did responding to him is “breaking no contact”? Cause I have heard from videos that if they reached out
,I should not ignore them. He was always the one to start the conversation. Does that count as breaking no contact?
Is it too late for me to go to another no contact?will it still be effective?
I pray and hope that you’ll give me a response to this. I feel so horrible and hopeless right now. Sometimes I’m literally gasping for air when I think about the break up. Please give me some advise and thoughts about my situation.
Hi there!
Your ex was weak when another person started liking him. He was weak because he let that person control his emotions. Because he already had you and that other person kept wanting him, your ex became more attracted to this new person. He fancied his attention and wanted to see how far it would go until it went too far. Once your ex has realized what he’s done, he felt ashamed—as he’s told you many times. The mess he created was no longer working for him so he decided it would be best to leave and abandon what he’s destroyed and move on with this person. He would only make a swing from one person onto the next one—which would be literally effortless.
Right now, your ex is with someone else which means the following things:
– he can’t stop his temptations
– for now, he’s happy with the other person
– he hasn’t cleaned up the mess he’s created
Your ex has to fix the above-mentioned issues and get you back. This can only happen when you’re in no-contact. This is when you must do your very best and enjoy life as much as you can. Do what makes you happy. I know it can be difficult right now. You must, however, do what you can to soothe your anxiety.
NC will help you heal and allow him to have the freedom he wished for. If he changes his mind when his relationship doesn’t work, you will have the ability to decide what you want.
Breaking no-contact means you contact your ex when he isn’t ready to talk and you get cold/mean replies from him. Don’t ignore him when he reaches out. Be polite and concise.
Kind regards,
Zan