If you’re thinking “how to make your ex want you back,” you’ve come to the right place.
Some people will outright tell you that you must do this and do that to get your ex to trust you and love you again.
But that’s complete bollocks.
Dumpers usually postpone the breakup for so long that when they pull the trigger, they are absolutely certain it’s what they want.
Dumpers initiate the breakup because:
- They feel emotionally depleted and frustrated from feeling trapped in the relationship.
- They spend days or weeks prior to the breakup devaluing their partners.
- Their partners continue making the same mistakes and don’t fulfill their needs.
- They develop resentment toward their partners and often even GIGS due to the negative thinking patterns.
These are the reasons why your ex broke up with you and why you can’t make your ex want you back. At least not as long as your ex isn’t receptive to hear you out.
So instead of begging and pleading with your ex for another chance, take a moment to breathe. Find the reasons why the breakup occurred and how you played your role.
Only once you’ve found the answers and you understand where you messed up should you get ready for the next step.
So if you’re wondering “how to make your ex want you back the right way,” read through this article. You might stumble across some valuable information.
How to make your ex want you back without losing your dignity?
Since you’re the dumpee, getting your ex to want you back won’t be an easy task. As a matter of fact, it will be far from easy as you’re at a huge disadvantage.
That disadvantage is that your ex doesn’t want you back. He or she is filled to the brim with repulsive, post-breakup emotions that repel your attempts for reconciliation.
That’s why the solution to your compulsive desire to make your ex want you back is fairly simple.
It’s called the indefinite no contact ruleāwhich as the name suggests, is indefinite. It basically entails detaching from your ex and the outcome and learning how to love yourself again.
If you truly want the best for yourself, I suggest you start following this attachment-breaking plan immediately. You will be so thankful when you finally see the results of your hard work and commitment.
Please keep in mind that there are no exceptions to this rule. None at all.
It doesn’t matter if you did something that brought upon the separation or if you insisted on getting back together after the breakup and ruined your image.
As a person of value and importance, you don’t deserve to suffer for the end of the relationship. You don’t deserve the pain even if you did something horrible and unjust to your ex.
The breakup hasn’t befallen because you need to be punished for your actions.
On the contrary, it happened because your ex wasn’t happy.
That’s why it’s your responsibility to find out what you could have done differently to ensure that your next relationship doesn’t go down the same path.
You don’t need to obsess over your actions and inactions. All you have to do is become aware of your mistakes and your brain will naturally put them into your long-term memory.
The breakup will teach you a lesson
The pain from the breakup will engrave your valuable lessons into your memory. That’s why you don’t really need to do anything specific to store them into your subconscious mind.
You do need to, however, think about your mistakes for a while. And when you do, the emotions created by the breakup will make sure you remember them for a very long time.
You just have to want to change and you will without a doubt find the road toward becoming the best version of yourself.
I wanted to point out that people improve the most through pain and suffering. It’s the “easiest” way for us to learn because it’s actually the hardest.
I hope that makes sense.
As a dumpee, you’re likely not as interested in improving as much as you are about learning how to make your ex want you back.
I don’t blame you because most dumpees initially want their ex back despite knowing that their ex wasn’t the best for them.
They want to learn the magic tricks that make their ex come running back. But in reality, all they’re doing is looking for a way to increase their hope.
Hope, however, is not something that contributes to a healthy reconciliation. It’s actually quite the opposite as it forces the dumpee to act on instinct and postpone his or her post-breakup recovery.
You can’t make your ex want you back!
I wish there existed a step-by-step manual to make your ex love you again. If it did, I would personally print it out and hang it up on every street corner.
But, unfortunately, “making” your ex want you back isn’t as simple as saying a few words or doing a few things.
It’s actually much more difficult than that because the breakup doesn’t even involve you. Your ex basically dumped the breakup on you and forced you to accept the bad news.
That’s why you must understand that more often than not, the thing that stands between you and your ex coming back is your ex’s mentality. This includes the way your ex, thinks, feels, and perceives youāas well as his or her surroundings.
So hold your horses and get rid of the “I must do something to get my ex back” mentality. You will feel so great when you eventually do.
Remember that your boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife terminated your relationship after a lot of thinking. It might have taken your ex days, weeks, or even months to gather the courage to break up with you.
So do your best to avoid opposing your ex or you could end up angering your ex a lot. You might even get yourself blocked on social media if you don’t let your ex be.
How to make your ex want you back then?
Instead of making your ex want you back, you must let your ex want you back.
Although making and letting may appear similar to the broken-hearted dumpee, the two terms are as different as day and night.
The former means you force, manipulate, and coerce your ex into coming backāwhile the latter allows and encourages your ex to see you differently.
Any wise person knows that you should never attempt to force a person to change his or her decision and opinion about you. It usually backfires if you try.
So go with the option that encourages your ex to be who he or she wants to be and don’t try to change his or her mind.
Your ex doesn’t want, nor need you to inform him or her about making the wrong decision. It’s the last thing your ex wants to hear.
What your ex wants to hear instead is that you accept the breakup and that you will be okay on your own. Moreover, your ex also wants to know that you respect his or her need for space and privacyāand that you will be on your way immediately.
Once your ex confirms these things, he or she will definitely feel relieved that you’ve left him or her alone. Your ex will feel so content because you will:
- not make your ex feel guilty
- not make him or her doubt that you will be okay
- allow him or her a smooth transition from being in a relationship to being single
- hold no harsh feelings toward your ex
But how will my ex come back if my ex doesn’t feel bad about the breakup?
This is something a lot of dumpees get wrong, so make sure you absorb the following piece of information.
As a broken-hearted dumpee, you mustn’t act on instinct and expect to guilt-trip your ex to want to come back.
It wouldn’t be much of a free choice now, would it?
You can’t do this because negative deeds, such as annoying, forcing, begging, threatening, pitying, and jealousy tricks have a repelling effect on your ex.
Your ex is already hurt and overly sensitive from your negative habits. So expecting your ex to want to come back after you’ve displayed even more negative behavior is crazy-thinking.
Your ex doesn’t want more drama in his or her life. And when you provide your ex with more drama, guess what that does to someone who quit on you because of it?
If you can’t think of anything, let’s just say it makes your ex feel exactly what you don’t want him or her to feel.
It creates more negative emotions that helped your ex initiate the breakup in the first place.
So instead of intentionally trying to trap your ex by making him or her feel awful, there’s a way better way to deal with your ex’s hatred, annoyance, and discontent.
And it doesn’t even involve anything violent, manipulative, or disrespectful.
On the contrary, it requires you to be respectful, kind, emotionally in control, and on your best behavior.
How to make your ex want you back the right way?
Most of the time, people act based on what they feelānot think. That’s why “making your ex want you back” won’t happen until your ex’s feelings toward you change.
But for your ex’s feelings for you to grow, your ex must first:
- process the breakup (the repelling, victim emotions)
- forget about you for a while by living a single life
- experience something negative that forces your ex to do some introspect
- do whatever your ex wants to do post-breakup
Once your ex has had enough time to experience these things, your ex will slowly start to emotionally let go of the reasons behind the breakup.
And even though these reasons/issues will likely still be there when your ex calms down, your ex won’t feel bad about them anymore. He or she will only be aware of them.
That’s when your ex will feel better about your breakupāand coincidentally, feel better about you as well.
Steps to take to get your ex to want you back
Since the breakup is entirely in your ex’s hands, it leaves you with no choice but to wait for your ex to see you in a more positive light.
But this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be doing anything with your spare time.
As a dumpee, you’re empowered with desperation – which is essentially the motivation to change yourself for the better.
In other words, you have been granted the ability to change and evolve as a person once and for all.
This means that even though you may not be able to change your ex’s feelings for you directly, you can still start by focusing on that which you can control.
You and your well-beingāwhich is all that really matters to you.
Start by:
- going indefinite no contact
- detaching from your ex
- working on your emotional and physical well-being
- correcting your shortcomings
- learning about yourself
- improving your relationship skills
- finding your passion
- enjoying life on your own again
- getting a promotion/better job
- becoming the best version of yourself
By now, you know that the return of your ex is not dependent on how much you want your ex back, so why not let go of hope and give all the love and attention to yourself?
I’m sure you remember how great you felt when you were happy with just you. Or maybe you don’t remember because you took that happiness for granted?
Whatever the case, you can’t possibly lose by investing in yourself again. It’s just impossible.
Exes come back when you become happy with yourself!
The best revenge in life is huge success. And the same principle applies to breakups.
When your ex sees that you don’t need him or her to be happy and notices you’re thriving, your ex could feel envious of your success. This is especially true if your ex isn’t doing that well after the breakup.
In this case, your ex would likely covet your accomplishments so much that your ex would feel as if he or she is missing out on someone great.
That’s when your ex would reach out and try to figure out why you’re doing so great without him or her. Your radiating attractiveness would therefore quickly attract your ex like it did the first time when you were happy on your own.
And the ironic thing about it is that you wouldn’t even have to say or do much. Your ex would be the one that wants you backāand not vice versa.
You must keep in mind that exes come back for themselves firstāand you second. They come back when they regret making their selfish decision and want you in their life again.
It may sound selfishāand that’s because it is. Love and relationships are selfish as we always want the very best for ourselvesādespite being in love with our partner.
So remember that even if you were the one who did something to cause the breakup, your ex would still come back for you. The new and improved you to be precise.
But for your ex to experience the seller’s remorse and see your worth, you need to appear strong, confident, and independent.
Only then will your ex start thinking about you with renewed respect again and make the reconciliation possible.
Thank you for reading, and I wish you a fast recovery.
I have had multiple breakups with my ex, she is always the one initiating it
Itās been 80 days since the break up but before that she used to make hints about wanting something different but I always never paid so much attention to them
I think it was GIGS because she kept on mentioning a friend to me but I trusted her and didnāt bother her much
One day she sends me a thread of texts telling me how we should just be friends.. I pleaded for about 2 weeks and decided I should just let go and went no contact she since deleted and blocked me on all platforms
It really hurts
Hi Merchant.
The way she handled the breakup was immature, but don’t let that get to you. Try to remember that how people treat you has nothing to do with you. They’re responsible for their behavior.
Stay in no contact and you’ll soon see why the breakup needed to happen and how you can be happier.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan,
A great article. Itās been 7 weeks now since we broke up. I was with my bf for 3 years (we are 26) and he just came back one day and ended it. I was sat in our apartment wondering what Iāve done wrongā¦ he couldnāt really give me an explanation but just kept saying thereās āexternal pressureā and that āIām just not readyā. I think on hind sight heās always been a little one foot in one foot out- he would massively over think things but we were extremely happy and in love to the point that I thought that was itā¦ thatās why Iām so devastated. He wanted to do some travelling come September which I was fine with, as I thought heād only resent me if I put up an argument about it (the fact I wouldnāt see him for a month at a time) and I did always think it was weird that he never invited me alongā¦. We were living together for 2 years and I never got invited. It was always I I I never WEā¦ but I overlooked it because I was waking up to him every morning and we were inseparable (in a healthy way) so yeahā¦ Iām pretty sad. Iāve not contacted him- heās contacted me and is extremely cheerful, talking about the rent deposit etc thatās due this month and I know I shouldnāt be wondering what he is thinking but I amā¦ how can he be so ok nearly 2 months after when I was absolutely wonderful to him for 3 yearsā¦ I said to him during the break up convo āyouāll really regret itā and his response was āI probably willā – what am I supposed to do with that? I know I should try and move on but Iām finding it hard.
Hi Jade.
What your ex needed was opportunities to bond, not to spent time away from you. When he went away, he just neglected the problems and allowed himself to detach even more.
You need to cease all contact, Jade. Your ex is having the best of both worlds while you’re staying hooked on him, hoping he will see your worth. The truth is that he won’t as long as you communicate and pretend to be friends. This imaginary friendship is hurting you and helping him with guilt and boredom, so separate himself from him completely.
Ask him not to reach out and wish him the best of luck.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan, as much as I appreciate your blog, and I really do!!! I noticed that in most of your posts you seem to give it for granted that the dumpee has done something wrong that has pushed the dumper away. The dumpee has then to find out what went wrong and has to work on himself / herself, to become the best version of oneself. TWhy can’t one suppse that sometimes the dumper has his own issues (insecurity, fell in love with someone else, has not grown in the realtionship ….) without there being a “fault of the dumpee”? Week is the one who leaves without explanation and with no respect for the person left behind and this does not necessarily entail a fault of the dumpee.
I agree. I was not perfect for 38 years. Put up with all types of shenanigans. Studied and did my best to be humble yet successful at being a supportive wife, mother, friend, you name it. He was a wanderer. He left me for a ānewerā model. Now he is alone and I am making progress. For ME! But in retrospect, my fault was putting him first and honoring my vows.
YES!! I came to the comments to say exactly that – that sometimes it’s not because the dumper just wasn’t happy/satisfied/getting needs met—sometimes they’re just a COWARD and a JERK who doesn’t know how to be in a REAL relationship and doesn’t know how to love or be loved. My long-term ex since 1 week ago dumped me over the PHONE claiming “we’re not compatible” despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. I was trying SO hard to work on myself and she had no intentions of growing any more, much less into the relationship. But that’s OK because she exposed herself for the coward and loser she is, who would never measure up to me and surely didn’t deserve me.
thank you for keeping me from doing so much stupid shit right at the cusp of buckling!
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Hello Zan, I broke up with my ex 2 weeks ago. I was busy on a business opportunity for couple of months at a different state. Business did not go well and I was in shock. She went on a family trip after I came back from my business trip for 2 weeks. we had our 3rd year anniversary and her birthday while she was on her trip. I made a small video to celebrate her instead for her, she cried and said sorry to me. I believe she was already getting herself ready to leave me. When she was about to come back from the trip, I had to leave to Las Vegas for 2 weeks again for another business. One night, I called her because I wanted to hear her voice at Vegas but she did not pick up and did not return the call for 1 hour (She told me she was showering but I felt something was wrong). She then called me and told me she is now in the car about to head back to her apartment. I got angry and we fought. Next day she told me she wants to break up with me. I came back from the trip and went to see her right away. She wasn’t at her apartment and did not want to see me. Next day I met her and she smiled as I saw her but I was so angry at her for wanting to break up. I told her, if you want to break up then I never want to see her again. She grabbed my hand and started crying. As we met more often she grew cold and colder. I was afraid of losing her and became so small. She still wanted to break up because she was so disappointed at me and did not see any future. I begged her for another chance but it did not work. One night she posted a story of her stating she got a new car (Audi) and boat ride with champagne stating “Life is Good”. I asked her the next day and she told me her uncle gifted her and right away she admitted some dude gifted her and asked her to be her girlfriend and told me she is sorry and did not want to hurt me. I was in shock and returned all her stuff from my room the next day. That day she cried more grabbing my hand, arms, hugs, and wanted to have a last date with me. She even told me she loves me at the end. I had the last date with her and I felt horrible after. Ever since I am truly in damage due to my business failure and losing her at the same time. I imagine her being with a new boyfriend and I started taking pills to sleep. I sent her numerous messages explaining myself as well as my anger. She still talks to me and I have hard time stop talking to her. I beg her to block me and shut me off but she still doesn’t. She is having that good life she wanted with her new boyfriend now.
Hi Zes.
My boyfriend and I broke up 3 weeks ago, the reason was an argument that I started because he wasnāt paying me attention for last two weeks and weāve talked about it, he said he wonāt do it again and then.. did it again, i was furious and in the middle of the fight he said āi wasnāt planning to say so, but we are breaking upā. Also he mentioned that he loves me, but im too needy and obsesses (which is not totally wrong), i was emotional so i started crying and so on (i really regret it now), but after he left i started no contact and since then he sent me some posts that reminded him about us a few times, then told me that he is comfortable with me, misses talking to me and donāt want to lose such a person. i replied to that text, but didnāt say i miss him too or something like that, i was just nice to him. after that he texted me again next day and asked would i teach him how to bake (i posted a cake iāve made and he always loved eating my baked goods). I want him to want me back, but i understand that as a dumpee i just need to wait and enjoy my life, still, i donāt understand why is he texting, because heās sending some mixed signals. What should i do and why do you think he is texting me?
Hi zan I sincerely appreciate your posts. I would like to ask for your opinion. My ex dumped me 5 weeks ago. Three weeks ago, after really going through a catharsis, I sent her a long and emotional email (very rare in my former self) (which she has read and continues reading until today according to my mail tracking service). She replied that she saw the relationship as a broken glass that cannot be repaired. She then said that she still felt a lot of affection for me, that she wished me the best and said goodbye. I sent two more, very pathetic emails, asking her to meet one last time to say goodbye. I already lost hope of getting back with her. I know she will never contact me back. But I think I should send her a last farewell message. Tell her I’m sorry if she worried about those needy emails I sent, that I wish her the best and say goodbye. After that, for my part, I would enter no contact rule forever. All this I would say sending an audio message attached to an email (she blocked me on WhatsApp and I don’t use Instagram or Facebook).
There is a belonging of mine that she has and that I need back, but I plan to recover it through a common friend, so she doesn’t think it’s a strategy to see her.
What do you think?
I will be very grateful if you can give me your opinions.
Kind regards
PS: Sorry for my poor english
Hi John.
I don’t suggest you send her audio or any other messages. She’s not going to bite no matter what you do, so don’t embarrass yourself and give her a reason to mock you.
She already blocked you so don’t push her even more.
You don’t need to send her “one last message” because she’s already received plenty of messages that she wishes were your last.
So kindly consider my advice and let her be. You won’t get through her thick skull right now.
Kind regards,
Zan
Good article. I agree with what you are saying and I’m at a point where i am almost glad the break up happened as I have really used this time to grow as an individual and push myself in ways I didn’t think possible. I am really proud of myself for the first time in a long time. But how will our ex know or see our growth? I deleted social media following the split 5 months ago and we share no mutual friends. Although she has reached out its been sporadic and she may show a bit of interest but not enough that makes me want to share too much.
Hi Ben.
Often dumpers don’t see our growth. They are too oblivious to understand what we’re going through.
The best way for them to notice we’ve grown is through mutual friends, pictures on social media, and 1 on 1 interactions.
As for your ex, she likely won’t know you’ve improved unless she wants to get to know you again.
Best regards,
Zan
Thanks for another great article! Iām really struggling with letting go of hope after my husband left me 5 months ago. We have three kids together so we have to be in constant contact about them. He even tells me he is still attracted to me physically and thinks about me all the time. Thatās why I am so confused as to if he really wanted a divorce or if it is āsellers remorseā as you put it. He still seems pretty adamant that he made the right choice and would never want me back. He very much wants to be friends but I donāt want to be demoted. Iām still very much in love with him and would want him back if we did some serious counseling beforehand. Why does he want to stay in contact and know how Iām doing, want to have sex, and tell me he is still thinking about me all the time yet want a divorce? I donāt think I could ever attract him back!
Hi Olivia.
He doesn’t despise you so he wants to stay friends with you. I don’t suggest you take his offer because he could keep you hungry for more.
If he doesn’t want more, you shouldn’t give him more either.
So stay in no contact forever and you’ll only keep getting stronger.
Best regards,
Zan
Thank you, zan. It’s been 7 months since the break up and I can say that I’m okay now. I have not totally moved on, I still think of him sometimes… But I know I’m getting there. Thank you so much for your articles. They have reaaally helped me a lot in overcoming my first break up. More power to you!
Hi Jes.
You’re getting stronger every day. So keep investing in yourself because you’re the most important person in the world. At least to yourself. š
Thank you for the empowering comment! I appreciate it!
Kind regards,
Zan