If you can’t stop thinking if exes always come back, you need to know that some do and others don’t. Whether they come back depends on hundreds of factors.
But the most important ones you need to be aware of are:
- your ex’s maturity
- how your ex perceives you
- the mistakes you make
- whether your ex can grow
- whether you go no contact and respect your ex
- what happens to your ex in your absence
- and how your ex handles problems and difficult emotions
If your ex has a tendency to run away from problems and blame people for his or her lack of happiness, your ex has a victim mentality and will have a lot more work to do than someone who’s self-aware.
That’s because your ex will first have to reflect and improve his or her thinking patterns and understanding of the world before your ex can work on himself or herself and grow within.
That’s why the answer to the question “Do exes always come back” isn’t a simple yes or no answer. It’s a very complicated and conditional answer that depends on both the dumpee and the dumper. Technically, the dumper is in control of the breakup, so it greatly depends on the kind of problems he or she encounters without the dumpee.
If the dumper dates someone else and gets extremely attached to that person, for example, the dumper has a better opportunity to fail, get hurt, and reflect than a person who sits at home and doesn’t become vulnerable around someone else.
I’m not saying that the dumper can only come back by dating someone else because dumpers come back for other reasons too. But it’s much more likely that he or she will get hurt and come back because of relationship problems as rejections and romantic failures are some of the most painful experiences dumpers can experience.
So bear in mind that exes don’t always come back, but they do sometimes come back. They don’t come back when they’re strong enough to handle the stressors and problems life throws at them.
And they come back when they fail in ways that are important to them and feel scared, anxious, or depressed.
It’s therefore, negative emotions that recreate romantic feelings and make dumpers come running back and look for backup plans to fall back on. The best backup plans for exes are their exes because their exes loved and supported them till the very end.
They find it way easier to go back to an ex than to deal with problems alone and be vulnerable with someone they don’t know.
In this post, we’ll discuss whether exes always come back and what you can do to increase the chances of your ex returning.
Exes don’t always come back!
Let’s get some harsh truth out of the way first. The sooner we talk about this, the sooner you’ll process it and heal from rejection.🙏
With the warning out of the way, exes don’t always come back. Many exes lack the ability as well as the willpower necessary to improve their perception of their ex and fall back in love with their ex. They are in a position of power, so they prefer to hold their ex responsible for the end of the relationship and the way the breakup makes them feel.
Because of their victim mentality, they don’t forgive and forget like ordinary people, but rather become bitter and resentful. They focus on their ex’s bad points and continuously diminish their ex’s value.
Such dumpers fail to learn the lessons they needed to learn, which is why they stay the way they are maturity-wise and simply move on to someone else. Getting back into the dating pool helps them decrease the amount of time they spend thinking badly about their ex and encourages them to keep searching for new romantic/sexual opportunities.
I’m not saying the dumper is foolish for not returning to the previous relationship as some relationships don’t deserve a second chance. Some relationships need to end so that ex-couples can get some distance from each other and figure out if they even have the same relationship goals, values, and attraction for each other.
Many dumpees initially think their ex is perfect for them and that they’ll never find someone as compatible as their ex, but fortunately, this is seldom the case as they have a false perception of the dumper.
I see that people who find their ex extremely attractive and irresistible usually have codependence issues, low self-esteem, poor self-control, or a lot of personal and relationship issues to work through.
I know this not just from the people I’ve coached but from my own experience as well. If you don’t love yourself, your ex automatically becomes your heart and soul. He or she makes you neglect yourself and forces you to put him or her sky-high up on a pedestal.
So make sure to remind yourself of your worth and you won’t over-rely on your ex for validation. Make sure to also remember your ex’s shortcomings. By doing so, you’ll heal faster because you won’t blame yourself that much.
You’ll still have moments of weakness, but you’ll be semi-detached and see your previous relationship with tearless/crystal-clear eyes.
Contrarily to dumpers who look for backup plans, some dumpers have an abundance mindset, so they’d rather give someone new they don’t dislike a try than return to an ex they’ve branded as “not right for them.”
So if you’re wondering why exes don’t always come back, the most important thing you need to understand is that they don’t see a reason to come back. Their lives aren’t much better or much worse than when they were with their ex, so they do what feels right and move forward.
You can’t stop them from moving forward because it’s what they’ve decided to do before they even dumped you. You can only give them space and “wait” if they encounter problems bigger than they can handle.
When do exes come back?
Exes come back most often when they get involved with someone they get attached to and fail horribly with. That’s when they become regretful, sad, and anxious and start looking for people who can take their pain away and give them their lost happiness back.
If they don’t find someone who can give them what they need, they soon turn to their exes for support and either fall back in love with them or just use them and leave them. Yes, some dumpers come back and leave again. They don’t commit to their ex and discover the meaning of love because their only goal is to heal or deal with some unpleasant emotion or problem.
So keep in mind that some exes come back for the wrong reasons. Some just want what they can’t or don’t have and abandon the dumpee the moment they get bored, tired, or annoyed. By keeping that in mind, you can make certain that any dumpers who come back understand they need to give it their best or leave you alone forever.
If you don’t tell them or show them they only have one chance to obtain your forgiveness and make things right, they could take you for granted again and make you suffer again. My advice is not to take exes back just because their latest relationship didn’t work.
You need to take things slow and determine that they came back for you. That’s how you can conclude that they don’t see you as a person they can lean on emotionally and walk away from once they’ve healed.
Anyway, exes always come back when they struggle to love themselves and consider themselves failures. Exes with low self-esteem or emotional issues think poorly of themselves and/or put themselves down, so they feel overwhelmed with their problems and want someone to guide them and support them.
Although there’s nothing wrong with supporting depressed exes and giving them a fair chance, they could also leave when they’ve healed. They could take you for granted again and want someone who gives them a different kind of relationship.
A relationship that they have to work harder for.
What’s the solution?
You must make sure they invest in you and not just take from you. An ex who’s learned his or her lessons will for the lack of better words chase you and prove that he or she loves you and wants to be with you.
Some exes also come back because they date someone incompatible and experience buyer’s remorse. They compare the new person to their ex and discern that their ex wasn’t as incompatible as they had initially thought. As a result, they become nostalgic, develop feelings, and decide to check up on their ex and give the relationship another chance.
Not all dumpers need to get dumped to reflect. Some just need to date a very different person – someone who makes them appreciate their ex.
And lastly, exes also come back when something goes horribly wrong in their lives. That something can be:
- a loss of a job
- losing a family member
- and falling out with a friend
Any kind of painful loss can trigger their sentimentality and a strong desire to go back in time and feel secure again.
With that said, here’s a recap of when exes always come back.
Why do some exes always come back and others not so much?
Some exes always come back whereas others never look back. Why is that?
There are a few reasons for this. One of them is that sometimes exes break up with their partner and miss their partner only when they’re nowhere near their partner. They become nostalgic and return to their ex when they don’t see their ex and wonder what their ex is up to.
But when they come back and apologize, they soon discover that they don’t get along with their partner or don’t find him or her attractive, so they lose feelings again and break up.
This makes their partner go no contact again, which in turn, piques their ex’s interest and forces him or her to miss the dumpee again. This back-and-forth pattern tends to go on for a while until the dumper permanently loses interest or until the dumpee takes back power and ends things for good.
Some dumpers, therefore, come back whenever they want because dumpees let them come back. They don’t put their foot down and set some healthy relationship standards that would force dumpers to take them seriously and become afraid of getting dumped by them.
Of course, it’s not dumpees’ fault that their ex dumps them time after time. But the truth is that many people don’t appreciate people who throw themselves at their feet. People like to work hard for things because hard work gives them a sense of accomplishment.
If they can’t rewire the way they perceive importance in people and things, they also can’t value relationships that seem calm, “easy,” and peaceful.
So if you want to know why exes always come back AND STAY, it’s because they learn their ex’s worth and work hard for forgiveness. Those who don’t learn their ex’s worth don’t come back or stay after coming back. It’s that simple, yet so many dumpees wonder if they did something wrong during or after no contact.
I suppose their self-esteem is too low after the breakup for them to pick themselves back up and realize they can’t change their ex.
Why do exes always come back after leaving for someone else?
Exes don’t always come back after leaving for someone else. But as we’ve mentioned earlier, they sometimes encounter arguments or incompatibilities and start to compare the new person to their ex. The longer this goes on, the more comparisons they make and the bigger the chances that they start to miss their ex and come running back.
When dumpers leave their ex for someone else (or find someone else shortly after the breakup), they have what we call GIGS – the grass is greener syndrome. This euphoric, dreamlike mental state makes them think they can not only find a more physically attractive partner but also a more emotionally attractive one.
Once they get to know their partner though, the walls start closing in on them and allow them to see reality for what it is. No longer can they stay infatuated with their partner and pretend they’ll stay in lalaland forever. When they start facing issues, they display the same relationship-solving skills that they displayed in their previous relationship.
This means that if they had anger issues, fears, doubts, poor communication habits, and other shortcomings, they project them onto their partner sooner than later. They just have to stop feeling limerent first and show their true colors.
So bear in mind that exes indeed sometimes come back after leaving for someone else. But to come, their new partner must be much, much worse. He or she needs to hurt them and bring them back to reality.
Exes always come back when you move on and find happiness
You may be familiar with the saying, exes come back when you moved on as it’s quite popular on the internet. This statement is true because dumpers see you don’t need them to heal and enjoy your life. You need only yourself, and that’s what makes you attractive.
It doesn’t make them come back just because you’ve moved on, of course, but add your ex’s problems and pain into the pot and your ex has quite a powerful incentive for reflecting and perhaps even wanting to be with you.
So if you’re trying to maximize the chances of your ex seeing your value and wanting you back, go no contact and show you don’t need your ex to be happy. Show you’re doing fine (don’t show off) and let your ex come to you when he or she is ready.
It might take a very long time for that to happen, but if you stick to the rules of no contact and wait for your ex to find himself or herself in a pickle, you could be the one your ex contacts and tries to get back together with.
Make sure to stay busy so you let go of hope and increase your value in your eyes as well as in your ex’s.
What do you think? Do exes always come back? Are you hoping your ex will realize he/she messed up and want you back soon? Post your thoughts in the comments section below the post.
And if you want to talk to us about whether exes always come back, sign up for a breakup session here.
My ex left me 3 months ago after 1.5 years relationship because she fell out of love. She started dating someone else after 2 weeks. Im hurting so much. They’re still together and seemed to be happy and loved . I know that she loved me and looked at me like a most beautiful, smart, attractive thing that she ever meet. How it is possible to lose all of that strong feelings that she had and fall in love for someone else such a short time after. She’s the love of my life. I need her not because i am needy and poor, just because i love her so much.
Do you think that i will ever hear from her again? She might come back?
She was first of all my best friend in the world, and it hurts me so bad .
Thanks.
My relationship was being weird. Me and her were best friends since Summer 2020, but February 2021 something happened… Me and her were basically crushing on each other, so who could’ve said no? I’ve always had feelings for them, and hearing that was making my day tbrh. So we dated, and holy cow it all crumbled into pieces not even 2 weeks after.
Always pretending to be offline, not having many boundaries with friends, being a bit too cold too often, etc etc. But She was genuinely caring about me, so it was kind of balancing it. I had no idea what was going on.
After some months it seemed like the relationship was fixing itself, she was finally blocking/ignoring the people who were clearly flirting with them and they were starting to get very clingy. At first I didn’t mind, it was cute, but then it started feeling fake.
I thought she was going through stuff she didn’t wanna talk about and that was her way of venting, so I played along since I didn’t have any other option.
And then… February 10th 2022.I wake up to a goodbye message. “Any way of contacting me will be fruitless. I’ve been in pain for 12 months and realized this relationship is not what I want in/for my life. at all”. All her friends were gone, only one stayed to show me some screenshots of her snapping at me in their DMs. I didn’t feel just my world crumbling around me, I was crumbling into pieces as well.
She even dared to blame stuff at me. She was snapping real bad, even lied about self-harming. lied about me using her as “a bin to dip my problems into” when SHE was the one to BEG ME to talk about it. I have no idea what the hell happened, she said she’s leaving this life behind. No matter how much I tried to confront her, I keep getting blocked. I stopped after the first attempt 1 month ago, I don’t really want to break the no-contact rule right now. But she was like a damn sister to me, honestly we both ranked each other as some sort of siblings than soulmates. It was an awesome relationship after the rocky phases. I just wish I could’ve confronted her in a more serious tone until she could’ve talked about it. Now it’s kinda too late. It’s like if she’s disappeared. I’ll never know if what she said to her friend was true or just a way of manipulating them into blocking me. I remember when we were just friends she had a sort of breakdown and blocked me for 3 months, then came back after the no-contact because I was feeling better by myself. I was a pretty sticky friend.
It’s been exactly 42 days since when she had decided to just leave without even talking about it, just waited for me to fall asleep. Does anyone think this whole “she’ll come back” is my case? Thanks.
Hi all. 😘 My ex and I were together for 9 years, the last 4 we were living together and engaged. He’s 32 and I’m 46. He’s left 6 times over the years only to return a few months later saying he can’t be without me. The last break up was almost 4 years ago and I thought this time we would be together forever. We had therapy and lived together and were planning to buy a new home together. Over the last year I’ve suffered with depression and caused a lot of arguments, put on weight and became a hermit, not wanting to go anywhere. He left me out of the blue in May and 2 months later started seeing someone from work. She has 3 kids and is nothing like me. I truly believe it’s a GIGS or rebound relationship. We’re in no contact. I’ve lost 3stone in weight, done my motorbike test and bought a bike, had therapy and started running and feeling good about myself. I’ve looked into my insecurities and I’m working on my anxious attachment style, it has caused a lot of problems in all of my past relationships. But he has his own issues too. He has sent the odd text saying his friends dog had puppies and things I don’t need to know. His texts are cold and he’s like a different person, very robotic and formal. I NEVER initiate any contact but do reply to him being upbeat. Last contact was almost a month ago. It’s been almost 4 months since breaking up and he is with someone new. He still has our engagement proposal photos up on Facebook and is very active on there and adding lots of new photos of our dog. He’s also commenting on my cousins posts. When we split he said he still loves me but can’t take all the fighting anymore. We’re still both members of the same scuba club, I introduced him to the club and he hadn’t left it. I’m going on holiday with the club in March and when he found out he pulled out saying he didn’t want to be on a small boat on holiday with me this soon after everything.
Given the history and pattern… do you think he could return again? I’m working on myself so much and having spiritual healing too. Who knows… maybe soon I won’t want him back!
Thank you in advance( I know this is a long post). Love, light and healing energy to you all. X
I should also add that he has his own periods of low mood which he doesn’t admit to and he is a mental health nurse. For most of our time together he has never put me down and constantly told me how beautiful I am just the way I am. Right up until the few weeks before breaking up he acknowledged that we had issues to work through but promised that he felt we would get there. He still wanted to go house hunting. We were apart due to family and covid times and I think he was already flirting with this new woman at work. It was like almost overnight his fight for us gave up as he saw someone else as a more attractive option. Someone it will clearly not work with. This happened last time. He jumped into another relationship and within 6 weeks moved in with her and her 3 young kids. Within 4 months it was over but I’d just started dating someone. He reached out to meet and talk and it went on from there. He said the whole time he was trying to fit her into my mould and she hated that he talked about me so much. Our fundamental problem stems from poor communication and my insecurities too. His stubborn side and sometimes even a lack of empathy ( not always). I don’t think he’s a narcissist but may have a few traits. But that is just my assumption after reading articles.We would need therapy again at the very least and the problems we create together really need to be gotten to the bottom of and changed. I want him, still…. but I could never go back to the same relationship ever again. I’m changing but he also needs to as well. There will be major conditions for him to come back into my life. It would not be a case of fall into each other’s arms and enjoy the honeymoon this time. It would mean hard inner work together and separately. I’m willing to fight for the love of my life, but really only when he agrees to working on himself too. Otherwise he will go on to have unhappy relationships and I will go on to find a blissful relationship because I’ve made the changes needed to be in that position. It’s a matter of time before we will be sitting down to discuss all of this. Please with me/ us luck because, I believe that love, true love will always find a way. I’m going to start dating but not seriously yet as I’m not ready for that. Who knows what the future really holds? He’s come back begging 6 times, why would that change this time. The real question then should be….. will I and can I take him back this last time. I truly don’t know until the time comes. Xxx
My ex left me after a short two month relationship. Despite it being a short time together, it felt much longer. We met each others families and probably went a bit too quickly, but it was Christmas time and New Year and it was a new exciting relationship…and things just moved too fast. She said the chemistry had gone from the relationship and she just didn’t feel that spark or excitement anymore that was there in the beginning. I went above and beyond for her in the relationship and treated her literally like a princess. So this was a hard pill for me to swallow because it kind of felt like…what the heck is this girl looking for from a boyfriend? What will it really take to make this person happy?
A few weeks after the breakup, we went no contact which lasted for four weeks. She text me last week with some really bad excuse about a belonging of mine and whether or not I needed it back as she wasn’t sure of the importance of it… (knowing that it wasn’t an important item to me). We talked a little about work and I said it was nice to hear from her and that was it. It was civil and quite friendly. No mention of the relationship on either side. Not heard from her since. The breakup didn’t end badly, she has only good memories from our time together and said more than once that I was nothing but a good, decent, caring boyfriend to her.
No idea if I will ever hear from her again but it’s been seven weeks since we broke up now overall, I’m not expecting her to come back. I hope the grass turns out to be greener on the other side for her…as I couldn’t have done any more. Maybe in the future she will realise what is important in a relationship if you want it to last into the long term.
Your relationship sounds like mine. Any update? Has she reached out since you commented?
This i same goes to me. What happened then?
I really messed up..bad and we stopped living together. Since then we have went to the ovies, slept together, hung out and cuddled, and talked about potentially moving in together. Last night he was supposed to spend the night but we got into a fight about what happened 2 weeks ago and he did not stay and now hebisnt talking to me. Hes done me weong also and he means so much. I made a horrible mistake i regret every single day. I fear its really over this time but we have gotten back together in the past. I love this man with my whole heart and he keeps telling me hes hurt and doesnt know if this can be fixed because he doesnt trust me anymore. I just want him back. Do you think he will come back to me?
No he wont cailtin but i am here and got what you need . please call me
Me and my ex was together 3 years we have a son and after he broke up with me I found out I was pregnant to our second child. He is in a relationship with a girl he met when we was together so I think he left me for her saying the relationship isn’t working blah blah blah.. him mum died the same year and not greived over her. We lived together for the whole relationship. I’ve now moved out he moved in with his new girlfriend but things were not right as she would lie about being pregnant, being hit and stuff by my ex which was faulted allagations with proof I found. He stayed with me and still does since thy fell out but there back together now how does that work she gets a second chance after all the lies she has told and the mother of his kids don’t? He treats her well he makes effort more than he did with me to be honest. Is this a rebound? Midlife crisis. Gigs? I want him back of course but what do I do I’ve got his baby on the way in 4 months will he come back? She’s jealous I’m pregnant and hopes I don’t have. A girl. All they seem to do is have sex and you can’t base a relationship on sex! Thank you.
I hope my ex reaches out. He just told me 2 weeks ago he’s seeing someone else. Prior to that he had been distant and he had the nerve to play the blame game….I was never avail (lies). Hope the GIGS takes it’s toll on him.
Hi M.
Karma might hit your ex, but it will probably hit him only when you’ve stopped wishing him ill.
Best,
Zan
Rebound relationships normally don’t last. Unfortunately, he probably feels relieved that the breakup happened. BUT the dumper goes through the stages opposite of the dumpee. The sadness of the breakup will hit the dumper when you are starting to move on and get out of your sadness.
Hello, My gf broke up with me on 10/18/19. I kept pushing her away because I was going through stuff that I had to figure out. I told her it was temporary. But she wanted was to be with me every chance. I told
Her to deal with it or leave and she left. I regret everything. I tried to get her back a few days after and she has rejected me. Told me she doesn’t feel it in her heart. Meanwhile. She wanted to move in with me and get married. I didn’t want kids before now I do. That was an issue. She also said I only want the things she wants because I’m not with her now. She doesn’t talk to me and now I’m blocked. I told her I wanted to marry her. I even bought a ring this week to prove it. We were together 10 months. She still talks to my friends and they bring me up to her and feel her out. She is scared I will be good for 3 months and things will go back to the bad. I used these 5 weeks to change and make a better version of me. I tried for 5 week. She blocked me but when my friend told her I had a special bight planned. She wanted to know about it. She wanted to know how I afforded a ring when I just started the police academy. I’m so confused. I just started the “no contract” rule a few days ago after trying for 5 weeks. I’m lost and confused. She means everything to me and I messed up. Do you guys think she will be back.
Hi Mike.
She might be back if she decides that your relationship is worth coming back to.
So stay in no contact for now and give her the freedom to contact you of her own accord.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi my bf left me after 4.5years,I waited for him when he spent 2yrs in prison. I supported him financially and emotionally throughout everything. Then out of the blue he said he needed to clear his head ect. He is now living with another younger woman (I’m older than him) that has 2 young children and is a homemaker. He works. However he has only taken his clothes. Everything else is still here, I removed his online banking from my phone but I don’t think he realises that yet. I have asked him to take his stuff and so to has his sister and his new gf but yet his things are still here. I do want him back as foolish as this may sound but I refuse to beg and chase. I started the no contact last week and have given until mid dec, if he doesnt contact by then,then I will assume he never loved me as much as I thought. Hes driving licence and car ect are all still registered to my address..do you think he will come back?
When he gets enough of what he wants from her or if she leaves him. That’s when he will be back. When a guy leaves for another woman. It’s because something was missing. But that only last until the excitement is done. I pushed my gf away and I regret it now. I’m begging her back. After 5 weeks of trying. I’m going to let her be and do no contact. I pray everyday. I messed up big but I have corrected myself.
Hi,
my ex bf broke our 7 months relationship, after we ( me,my son& my ex bf) lived together for 4.5 months. he was in love & care me a lot but all became bad bcause my son just turn into teenager and rebellious. ended up my ex and son quarrelled and my ex couldn’t accept him, eventough he said he still have feeling for me. it hurt me so much, I begged him few times, but he kept saying no. i contact him 1x every 1 or 2 days, he always answered me and he always still willing to help me. but he never initiated to look for me first.
Do I still hv chance to come back with him?
my ex bf is a single man who never married and the longest relationship he had was 8 months – 2.5 yrs only.
Hi Vera.
Give your ex some time to process the breakup.
Whether he comes back really depends on his mentality, so I can’t say whether he will come back.
Stay strong,
Zan
Hello,
My ex and i dated for 5 years. We lived together 2 months post break up because we shared a place and he moved out about two months ago. He broke up with me because he said he did not know who he was and needed space. WE had been through a lot together in the five years we dated, more than some experience in their adult lives. We had talked about getting married and had talked about the idea of planning a wedding and rings and then quite a few people were asking him when he would propose. Three weeks later he broke up with me. At first i had a really hard time with it but since we were still living together i did not want him to see me be miserable or hung up on him so i tried my best to live my life. We are on great terms and very friendly with one another. Sure i miss him and want him back, but i have been going out with friends and traveling and just improving myself since the break up. But i am trying to figure out if he will ever come back? I only try to reach out regarding bills or other things, but he would text me or call me to just talk and has recently started to want to come over a little bit. He still has stuff left at my place and some of the bills are still in his name, he has the pictures of us still up on social media and has keys to my place. When we talk he will ask about my life and my family and he gives me updates on his life and his family. I am still in touch with his family and he will still talk to my sister and my friends. I feel like he needed to go out and be sure that i am the one he wants to be with forever? Why else would he leave me but still be in touch the way he is or tell me he misses me? or drunk texts or calls? We can be very different and as much as him breaking up with me hurt i did need it for personal growth which i feel like he is seeing and also could be seeing the girl i was when we started dating doing long distance ( i had my own life and he had his but we were together and that got lost some when we moved in together) I would just appreciate help on if what i am doing is right or if he will come back? Every time i think i am okay or moving on he calls, or texts me or even emails me.
my ex and I broke up not too long ago, a week after my birthday to be exact. He felt the same way pressured from everything and everyone. He snapped and broke up with me. He felt like i was pressuring him and now he doesn’t want kids or a relationship.
i know this is silly though hes my person. I know he will be back.
For now i am going to try this link I found. It has some good reading material. We’ve been friends since we were 19 almost 20 years. I can’t watch this man walk out of my life like that.
I am desperate to try anything at this point.
Has anyone done one of these links before? I just want something to work and bring him back to me.
Help a sad woman with a huge broken heart.
StaceLeeAnna
Hi StaceLeeAnna.
I’ve removed the link you posted because the content is deceiving and hope-instilling.
You have a way better shot at getting back with an ex by following the no contact rule.
Best of luck,
Zan
Hi, so my ex broke up with me almost two months ago and we were together 4.5 years and two years before that we were friends. He said his reasons for leaving was that we were fighting too much and that it wasn’t going to stop. I was also being pushy the last two weeks about getting him to show me affection or to show me in some way he still loved me because I wasn’t feeling him. I told him I felt like it might lead to us breaking up and he just agreed and said I’ll never be the person you want me to be. That I deserved better. I even asked if down the line he would reconsider getting back together and he told me no. I felt like it was my fault why he left. Like I was pushing him too much that it was so easy for him to give up on the relationship. I even offered couples therapy and he told me no. A day after I called him trying to convince him to get back together and he told me I just don’t have the answers you’re looking for right now and then ten days later I tried again. The last time I spoke to him I just gave him the break up and he seemed so relieved. It hurt so much. I’m in a better place now, I’m still hurt but it’s not as bad as it was. I was hoping he would message me in a way of asking how I’m doing to show he at least cared about me but I haven’t heard from him. A couple weeks ago my friend saw him at the movies with a girl. It wasn’t his cousin. I just took at as a sign to move on. I just want to know was it actually my fault the relationship ended??
Hi Marie.
It’s never just one person’s fault. Your ex considered the arguments deadly and saw that they weren’t stopping.
This helped him detach over time and give you less affection than you were bargaining for.
And as a result, the breakup ensued.
Best regards,
Zan
Is there any chance they will attempt to come back ?
Hi Marie.
There is, but you really mustn’t keep hoping. It’s not good for your health!
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Marie, your story is so similar to mine – what happened in the end with your ex? I am going through it now and any help would be welcome. Thanks!
Hi Ellie. I feel you right now, if you haven’t moved on yet. Let me share my experience…. it might help.
I was with my ex for 9 years but he left 6 times. First time was after a year and I thought we were blissfully happy. But we argued at times. Nothing major. After a month he came back crying and said he’d made a mistake. This kept happening every year or 2. Last time was 4 years ago when he met someone on a canoe trip and within 6 weeks he was living with her and her 3 young kids. He’d never been with someone else in our time apart before and I was devastated. He cut me off completely and I truly believed it was over. 4 months later it was over with them and 2 months after that he was back begging. He wanted couples therapy and was really trying everything to get me back. I love as I’m a brief rebound and went back to him. We moved in and he proposed. We lived together for 3.5 years and were engaged. We both have issues, mine is that I’m anxiously attached. I’m self aware, he isn’t. So as time went in I became depressed and the arguments got worse. My mum died in April 2020 and 5 days after the funeral he left me. 2 months later I found out he was seeing his boss. It’s been 10 months now since we split and 8 months he’s been with her and she also has 3 teenagers. He stil has our engagement photos on Facebook and reaches out to my brother and cousin now and then through text and Facebook. We’re still in same scuba club but haven’t met due to covid so just in the same group chat. We have no contact but he does sometimes post things that are directed at me. I feel he’s still there but only just enough to keep me guessing. This time I’m really not sure what’s happening. There is no mention of her on social media at all but he does post photos of her dog with ours.
If I could go back in time and address my issues and subsequently our issues I would, instead of burying my head in the sand. I’m far more aware of myself now and my protest behaviour. I still love him and think of him daily. I wonder if he’ll be back when it doesn’t work out with her. But…. I know now that I can be alone too and be ok.
So, they do come back but if you can make the changes together early on I think you stand a much better chance of staying together if it’s meant to be. Don’t make the mistakes I did and ignore the problems. Love yourself first. ❤️
I’m not sure if this helps but I hope it can help at least one person out there. I’m still hoping but I will date other people as soon as covid allows. And whatever is meant to be will be. In my heart I love and want him back. Only time will tell. Good luck to all of us. We deserve a beautiful love. Xxx
Hi, I was wondering. I dumped my ex, I didn’t want to but he broke a date at the last minute, then he wanted to downgrade our relationship to a more casual relationship, I told him that wasn’t going to work for me, do they come back in that case. To me it seems like he was done with me
Hi Fion.
He’s probably done for now. As for whether he’ll be back for more, only time will tell.
Focus on yourself for now.
Best,
Zan
Hi, my ex left me about 4 months ago and is already in a relationship with a much younger girl for at least 3 or 4 months. We have 2 kids together. And he swears we will never ever get back together.
Before the breakup we were constantly arguing and fighting but we had good days as well. He told me that it was nothing I did or said but that he was in a bad place and had no where to turn and his feelings changed so he left.
He has recently brought his new girl around our kids and I believe its too earlier but he is telling me its his choice. He seems to want his cake and eat it. As he never sticks to arranged times but if I was to break the times its a whole different issue.
I’m fed up of his games now and want to move on. But he is parading this girl around taking her shopping and to the cinema and all while I’m watching the kids most of the time.
I’m so frustrated with him and I’m starting to believe we will never get back together as the way he is acting since the breakup is just mean and hurtful. I have bent over backwards for him to accomadate our children with him but I’m done with it now. He has turned into a completely different person. I don’t recognise him anymore and I’m generally giving up on ever getting back with him.
Hi Stacey.
As long as he’s with that girl, you shouldn’t keep hoping. Get over him so that you no longer depend on him.
And if you eventually meet someone else, don’t be afraid to give him a try.
Do what makes you happy.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey Zan. It’s been 1,5 month since my boyfriend left me – on a text. He delivered my stuff the same day, but we haven’t seen each other since the day prior to the breakup, and I had not seen it coming. He left me less than a month before that, but regretted his decision 3 hours later. And now I haven’t heard from him at all. I contacted him a week later, telling him I’m okay with the decision, and if he would like to meet sometime to end this properly. He agreed, but said he needed peace first to which I replied: “I understand, let me know when that is”. I decided to delete him from Snapchat and Facebook a couple of days later to prevent myself from checking his profile, and he added me on Snapchat again few hours later, but I went into no contact and ignored it. He removed the request 5 days later. Now 1,5 weeks ago, he decided to block me on Facebook. I haven’t said a word since we agreed on meeting someday, but still he has decided to block me. I am working on myself, doing anything I can do become a better version of me, but I still have days where I lose faith that he will ever reach out. I’m scared that since he already did it once (the first time he left me), there won’t be a second time for that. He’s really stubborn, and I think that our relationship began as a rebound relationship for him – he came from a 4 year long relationship and went into a new one with me 3 months later. However, we were together for 9 months, and I think he actually got genuine feelings for me at some point, and he was never afraid of taking me to his family or friends. I didn’t feel appreciated in the relationship, and it often lead me to not being able to sleep at night, rather wanting to talk to him and keeping him awake. His reasons for leaving me was that he hadn’t slept properly for a while, and that the feeling of not being 250% correct all the time and the lack of appreciation was killing him.
Do you think there’s any chance he’ll ever reach out when blocking me a month after the breakup although I haven’t said a single word and haven’t showed any interest?
Hi C.
Yes, you will probably hear from your ex again. Most dumpees do when they least expect it.
Even though he blocked you a month later, it doesn’t worsen your chances. In fact, the way he is behaving is probably not much different from other cases.
So stay strong and don’t show any interest in him. Keep moving on, and you will likely hear from him.
Hopefully, you won’t care much about him anymore when you do.
Kind regards,
Zan
Aaand I found out that he’s dating a new girl aswell. He already did that just 4 weeks after the breakup. Ouch my heart.
Hi C.
Now you know why he blocked you.
Don’t stalk him from now on. Force yourself if you have to and you’ll be alright!
Best,
Zan
What do you mean by “come back”? Just because an ex initiates contact in any form doesn’t mean they came back, right? I supose a dumpers come back is when he/she asks dumpee for reconcilation which very rarely happens, especially if the dumper was female (or maybe I’m wrong). Dumpers after time really do miss dumpees and regret their decision but I think this is still not enougth for them to attend a reconcilation.
I myself got dumped by my ex gf almost 4 mounths ago after over 2 years of a good relationship that didn’t really end for serious reasons. We were very close together, respected eachother to the very end and I saw it was extremely hard for her to let go. We ended in peaceful and good terms. I guess she got bored about it, maybe we were too comfortable with eachother, didn’t get some needs, took me for granted and just left. Sure the last few months weren’t so fun like, probably all relationships until they fall apart. I accepted the reality, but it still stings to be heartbroken. So far my ex gf broke no concact via sms with christmas wishes which I kindly responded and haven’t heard from her since then. I just sometimes think these are false hopes or maybe I’m impatient… help me up.
One more thing: don’t you think dumpers have too much pride or fear of rejection to come back?
Hi Paul.
Almost most exes initiate contact after leaving the relationship. That doesn’t mean they come back. It really depends on the reasons for leaving, and post-break-up behaviour on both ends. Sometimes dumpees act insecure and destroy their chances, and other times dumpers belittle the dumpee to the point of no return. The best way for dumpers to come back is for them to get hurt badly. Once they are emotionally devastated, they will seek help from many sources (including dumpees) to mend them. It’s for the wrong reasons, but it’s the only way. Very, very few actually come back happy as a clam. Their pride only gets in the way as long as they are content. Once they feel down, they will do crazy things to help themselves.
False hope is holding you back from recovering. The sooner you get rid of it, the better for you. Don’t wait for a person that lets go of you. You deserve more than hoping she would come back one day with a broken heart or some other issue to deal with. It’s unfortunate, but so true. She would take you for granted once more, and maybe leave again (it’s much easier the second time). If there were no apparent flaws in the relationship, and she left anyway, what makes you think she would want to stay long-term the second time? If she got bored and tired of being with you, she doesn’t deserve a place in your heart.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi i was in a relationship with this guy for 7 years and then he moved to a different country and we were havjng this long distance relationship
He recently cheated on me with his new chick
He loved alot though
Is there any chance of him coming back
Hi Noha.
Your chances depend on the distance. I believe he cheated because he got tired of being this far away and thought it would never change. For the chances to improve, he has to move closer or be willing to start a shared life with you. He wants physical intimacy, which the distance lacked. Guys will be guys right?
If he comes back, it’s because his relationship with another person doesn’t work (so for the wrong reasons). Chances of him leaving again are quite high, unless he becomes emotionally satisfied.
Just to remind you, you have to stay strong in no contact, and sound happy and upbeat throughout the whole ordeal. This will make you as desirable as you can be.
Zan
Hello again Zan. Just curious.. if your ex is currently trying to start a relationship with some one new they think they are making the right choice especially through the honey moon phase right? We had a good relationship that shouldn’t have ended or didn’t even for any serious reason to and it’s heartbraking that he could just start a whole new relationship. Your articles help a lot thank you
Hi Emily. I hope you’re well.
What your ex may be experiencing is a GIGS syndrome. They truly believe someone else can make them happier. Unfortunately your ex has taken you for granted. It happens quite often that people get bored after a while and put their attention and energy elsewhere outside of the relationship. Because of that, they start losing feelings and slowly detach.
As you know, the honeymoon phase doesn’t last too long, especially when you have just come out of a relationship. I’d say you see the person’s true colours in 3 – 4 months and start getting annoyed by him in 2.
When exes start a new relationship shortly after the separation, they expect everything to be magical. What happens in reality is, they bring all their past problems from the previous relationship and dump it on their new partner. Old problems + new problems = failure.
I understand it’s difficult for you right now. Thinking about this new person is going to make it worse for you. Don’t compare yourself to the new woman at any cost. You are amazing the way you are!
Thank you Zan! I have a feeling he’ll contact me when that relationship runs it’s course cause I know he loved me and this whole thing has just been a mess. It just hurts that he can give that to some one else with no remorse it feels like. I know he’s carrying issues over to that relationship I guess I just get anxious thinking about how long it’ll take for him to realize his mistake and speak to me. I’m trying not to think about it and move foward and I’m getting better every day it’s just hard to accept it sometimes
He most definitely will when that blindness phase is over. I know your anxiety is over the roof right now. Try not to think too much about what he’s thinking and doing.
Consider your stressing about him in this way instead – every second you spend worrying about a person not worthy of you (sorry to say that) is a waste of your precious life. Not only that. You also end up hurting yourself and slow down the process of recovering successfully. This isn’t your punishment for something you may or may not have done.
It’s like punching yourself on purpose. Try to think about your health and the damage you are doing to yourself when you feel overwhelmed.
This is all about you, Emily. Don’t give credit to those who don’t play a role in your life. At times like this, it shows who really matters in your life. I’m sure you’ve figured it out.
Zan