This is an interview with Milosz whose ex left him and came back to try again. Pay close attention so that you know what to expect if your ex comes back.
1)What was your relationship with your ex like? How long was it? Did you argue a lot?
I will start from the beginning. Our relationship started in an unhealthy way. To be honest, “unhealthy” is probably an understatement because I met my ex when I was in another relationship, dating my former girlfriend.
At that time, I didn’t mean to cheat on my girlfriend. I just wanted a new friend – someone I could talk to and confide in.
But because I kept talking to this friend of mine almost every day, things unknowingly started to change. After about 6 months of constant communication, I realized I had developed feelings for her.
I felt so pulled toward her that I fell out of love with my girlfriend and began to visualize my life with this new girl.
That’s when I did something horrible and unforgiving. I cheated on my girlfriend of two years and left her for a person I’d known for only half a year.
I’d say that the new girl and I had a strong emotional and sexual connection from the very beginning as we got along really well for the first year. She truly loved with me with all her heart and I felt the same way about her.
Our relationship lasted 2 years in total. We moved in together after 6 months of dating and lived together for one year.
It was her understanding that couples who live alone have more successful relationships, so I had no choice but to do as she suggests and move out 6 months prior to our breakup.
Ironically, my moving out probably had something to do with her texting other guys just a month or two before suggesting that we should live alone.
We argued about this for a little while, but not too long. We soon got over it and things went back to normal.
All in all, we had a good relationship, but it seemed that I was the person who initiated conversations and organized everything all the time. I was definitely the chaser which is probably the reason why she lost attraction to me in the end.
I should mention that I appeared insecure and jealous at times and that I forced her to do be with me sometimes. I guess I wanted her more than she wanted me. That’s probably why I felt so attracted to her.
2)Can you tell me how the breakup occurred? What did your ex tell you when she left?
It was an ordinary day when I picked her up from the train station. I noticed her behavior was strange, so I asked her about it and we began to argue.
Somehow, we started talking about relationship struggles and that’s when she dropped the bomb on me and said, “Maybe we should take a break.” Immediately, I suspected that there may be another guy involved, so I confronted her about it.
She said there is no one else and that she just needs some time to think about us. A few days went by and I realized that I miss her, care about her, and love her, so I told her I really wanted to see her.
Of course, she said she needs more time, so I became very needy and pushy. Over the course of a few weeks, I continued to ask her to meet up. I wanted her recognition.
And because I continued to annoy her, she boldly told me to stop insisting and to leave her alone to think.
I was so desperate for her love that I went to her house. Needless to say, it didn’t go very well. I cried and admitted I loved her very much and that I didn’t want our relationship to end like that. She replied by saying she wasnāt sure about us getting back together and consequently, asked for more time.
This time, I gave her that time.
A week later, I found out that she started dating another guy. This again made me anxious, so I wanted to know everything about this guy and her new relationship. I stalked her on social media and asked her about who this new guy was.
She immediately admitted that there indeed is a new guy and that I pushed her to his arms with my reckless behavior.
In response to that, I told her that I want her to be happy, to which she replied that I had regained some of her respect and that she will always love me. She said she loves me, but “just doesn’t feel it anymore.”
I know she told me that we were done before, but this was the day when we officially broke up.
3)How did the breakup affect you?
The breakup hit me really hard. Especially when I realized that she got involved with a new guy. To be honest, in the first two weeks I felt physical pain in my chest. I couldn’t eat and sleep.
After finding out about her new boyfriend, I became so anxious that I immediately started browsing the internet on how to make your ex want you back.
Of course, I first came across many websites suggesting that I do the 30-days of no contact, or to contact her only after a few days and pretend as if the breakup never occurred.
So of course I picked the plan that I liked the most.
4)Which plan is that?
Of course, the one that suggested I need to act as soon as possible. I watched a person on Youtube who suggested I should reach out after a few days in a confident manner.
He advises people not to appear needy and to charm their ex with alpha behavior. I did just that. I reached out, apologized for looking desperate, and thanked her for the relationship.
She soon texted me back and we had a nice conversation. At the time, I didn’t know that my reach-out was going to allow her to send me continuous breadcrumbs. I thought she was going to fall back in love with me again and come back.
4)Did you message, call, stalk, or beg your ex after that?
The only time I texted her was the time right after the breakup because I felt hurt. I texted her for a few weeks. But when we started talking again, I didnāt beg anymore. I tried to be fun and light every time we talked.
I still stalked her online every day because I wanted to figure out what was going on in her life, but I didn’t appear overly needy to her. At least I think I didn’t.
Sometimes I was surprised that she texted me first. And when she invited me to go to the gym with her, I got excited about being with her again. So much so that it raised my hopes for reconciliation.
5)What happened that day at the gym?
We went to the gym about 2 weeks after our official breakup. I pretended to be calm about the whole thing and showed her the physical work I’d done on myself. I don’t know why, but she was a little angry about the sudden changes and wondered why I started working out all of a sudden.
I wanted to be honest with her so I told her I realized I took her for granted and that I became a bit lazy. I also said that our breakup made me start working on myself.
Although we had a good time that day, it was the only time she invited me out. The other 3 or 4 times was always me initiating.
Surprisingly, neither of us ever talked about her new boyfriend. We just focused on the moment and had fun.
6)Was your ex’s affection improving?
After 4 months of dating, I realized that our relationship isn’t progressing, so I got very impatient with her and told her I don’t want to be her friend and that we shouldn’t talk and meet anymore.
Immediately she became worried about my decision and didn’t know what to do next, so she sent me occasional breadcrumbs and try to stay in contact. This went on for a month and a half.
She basically sent me photos of our romantic moments and appeared very nostalgic about our relationship. Even when I started dating another woman, she wouldn’t stop sending me breadcrumbs.
I didn’t want to be mean to her, so I always replied to her. But because she wouldn’t stop, I eventually got annoyed and asked her what she wants from me. I told her that I’m not interested in friendship and that I want her to stop texting me.
That’s when she admitted that she’s been thinking about us a lot.
I responded by suggesting that we should meet up and talk about it in person instead of texting over the phone.
She agreed to meet me, but she didn’t seem like herself. Over text, I felt she was doubting her love for me because she appeared very inauthentic. Our conversation seemed forced, sort of desperate.
Anyway, we met at her place a few days later and talked about our relationship. She again said she’d been thinking about me and her as a couple and that we could give our relationship another try.
Since I still had feelings for her, I quickly accepted her proposal and became her boyfriend. I also asked her about her other boyfriend and she told me she’d dumped him more than a month ago.
Apparently, she felt it wasn’t going to work between them.
7)What happened next?
After the relationship talk, I invited her on a one-day trip. We spent almost the whole day together and had a really good time. We visited some nice places, hugged, and even kissed.
Everything seemed back to normal. She thanked me for organizing the trip and for being patient with her.
The day after though, things didn’t go that smoothly. I had some time on my hands, so I asked her if we can see each other again. I thought things were great between us lately, but that’s when she told me that we don’t need to see each other every day.
She seemed sort of cold, so I again had no chance but to agree with her. I told her it’s not a problem and that I just wanted to hang out.
A few days later, she told me she’s going to visit her hometown, so I volunteered to drop her off at the station and pick her up when she returned home 2 days later.
Again, she seemed fine and back to normal. She kissed me when she got back and invited me to her place where we played PlayStation and talked about moving in together.
She said she’d been thinking about moving in for a while and that she thought it seemed like a good idea since we managed to overcome our differences.
I agreed. spent more time with her, and went home that night.
A few days later, she again invited me over and things were okay… but I felt that passion was lacking. She seemed somewhat distanced and went for the hug instead of a kiss.
I knew something was odd, so I gave her some space and went home shortly after.
That’s when she revealed to me that she’d been trying her best to make it work between us but that she’s been doubting her love for me as well. She said we shouldn’t move in together yet or we could end up hating each other.
I told her I understand and that we should give each other our stuff back.
We texted back and forth a few times that day and that was that. I stopped responding to her because our conversations didn’t go where I wanted them to go.
8)Are you over her? Do you still want her back?
Due to the fact that we kept communicating, I think I’m not fully over her yet. It’s been 6 months since the breakup and I think that I would be over her by now if I stayed in no contact since the very beginning.
I’m not emotionally independent yet, so of course, I still want her back. But at least I know my worth now. Even if she wanted to come back, she’d need to make some serious effort to gain my trust back. I don’t want to accept her back just to get hurt again.
9)Is there anything you’d like to say to dumpees who are trying to reconcile? Do you have any tips for those whose ex came back and left again?
I think that no contact is the best thing you can do for yourself no matter how close you are to getting your ex back. Listen to people who went through a breakup and who know what they’re talking about.
You and your ex both need time and space. I didn’t start no contact, but I definitely should have. Had I cut her off sooner, she would likely have come back sooner and would respect me more because of it.
If your ex comes back, don’t make the same mistake I did. Make sure your ex works hard for your love or she could leave you. And if she leaves you, your ex could prolong your healing process and waste your time just like mine did.
Stay strong in no contact, be kind, positive, and in control of your emotions. You’ll appreciate these tips months after you’ve healed.
Did you enjoy the interview with Milosz? Did your ex come back and leave again shortly after? Post your thoughts about this article as well as your experiences below.
Hi, I know this is an older post now, but what are your thoughts on my situation?
My ex came back after 6 months (but we stayed living together for 3 of them and he then started going out with a coworker for the other 3). When he came back, he said a lot that made me feel that he had given it some good thought. Over the course of about 5 hours, I asked him the same questions and he was consistent (but not identical, ie not memorised) each time. He brought up big things (kids, shared values etc) and agreed that my main request was to take it slow. We had been together for nearly 8 years and had been engaged for 3. But 2 days later when we had arranged to do some thing fun, he called and said he doesnāt trust me and he needs time by himself. āItās not never, itās just not nowā. I suspect and he acts, like he wants to be back with the coworker and would do anything for her. I canāt believe he broke my heart again. I canāt go no contact as we are selling our house together. We have had some tense meetings, but then also really normal ones. He still keeps saying ānever say neverā and ālet the dust settleā etc. I was his first relationship so part of me wonders if he just got bored and is addicted to the honeymoon period of the other woman. He is 34 and I am 39. The other woman is 30.
Iām finding it very hard to detach and am angry that I was just starting to do ok when he did this to me again.
Hi Katie.
He wants to string you along and keep you as a backup plan just in case his new relationship doesn’t work out. Basically, he doesn’t care that he’s giving you false hope and making you wait for him. I don’t think you should do that, Katie. I think you should sell the house and get rid of him as quickly as possible. You have to remember that he came back and that his commitment to you is at an all-time low. The only time it temporarily increased was when he had some doubts about his new relationship.
Stay strong!
Zan
Let the ex go if they do that. Period. Moreover, to anyone thinking of going back and then leaving them again and then going back again and doing that to their ex, don’t. Let them go as well. Period. Wish them God’s blessings and peace and then move on in both cases.
My ex and I broke up more than a year ago. She called me once every three days before asking for a meetup. She told me she was seriously thinking about getting back together. In the last 15 months weāve spent 70% of it acting like a couple āworking on thingsā. She never Fully committed and when she would say letās get back official, it was always followed by her getting cold feet and cutting me off a couple days after. 100% no contact every time she said she didnāt want a relationship. Always sent her coming back. The last time it was breadcrumbs but I was very distant and it made her beg me for another chance.. to which I said yes. Like clockwork a week later she had cut me off again. Longest no contact to date was 5 weeks, itās usually around 3. This time havenāt heard from her and itās been about 5.. does no contact get less effective every time you use it?
The whole 30 day thing or the plan mentioned always sound good when you’re desperate to get them back because it does seem to be the thing that works in the shorter amount of time — and when you’re hurting, I guess it just becomes what you’re drawn to, like the interview said.
In my experience with my ex coming back and then leaving again, as I’ve said a few times before in other posts, we actually continued talking almost immediately after the first breakup. We went through a lot of back and forth before getting back together (so, we didn’t do no contact at all) – and ended up not addressing a lot of what needed to be fixed, which when added to a lack of effort from his part in the reconciliation, led to a second break up.
After the second breakup, he shut off contact immediately and only replied when I initiated contact (or sometimes not at all). It was 6 months of attempting conversations that led nowhere and that probably made him annoyed and gave me a ton of anxiety and sadness.
No contact has been one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, but like reiterated in this blog many times and as Milosz pointed out, it really is the best course of action when it comes to these situations. It removes you from something over which you have no control over — your ex and his emotions — and gives you plenty of time to focus on yourself and self improvement.
So I guess my advice, much like what was said already, would be to really go no contact, get some time and space away from your ex (and give them time and space away from you) and figure yourself out. If getting back together becomes a possibility, make sure you’re both putting in the same amount of effort and really discuss the issues that made the first breakup happen so they don’t repeat themselves.
Thanks for the post!
Hi Zan,
Somewhat related – would you be so kind and write a post about what to do/not do when an ex is asking us out? This comment doesn’t need to be approved, I just wanted to know if there is a chance to read somehing about this topic in the near future.
Thank you, and wish you well!
Zan, question for you regarding the process of the 5 stages of the dumper…during Covid 19 Isolation…this story really made my thinking on how this Isolation effects the dumper…can they regress backwards in their stages??
My ex broke up with me March 3rd..it was a month of building up at that point unfortunately, and she really wanted to be free and single..
March and April would have been the relief stages of the post breakup im thinking…then May she would have calmed down a bit..since there was no choice but to stay inside at home alone…now that June is here, and we are slowly getting our lives back in society, and being able to go out again…is there a chance that she could go back to the relief and elation stages again and start the party life that she wanted to do in March? Do their brains work this way in the stages??…or “typically” the progress forward to stage 3 would normally continue even after the Isolation is over, and she sat with her thoughts for 3 months….just a thought, as Covid really changes most things in our world, and wonders if the potential of regression could be a result..thank you.
J.
Agreed with the previous comment. I’m sorry, but this is disgusting. At the beginning you cheat on your ex GB, then both of you cheat on your current partners with each other. Karma did it’s best.
Moral of the story? He did wrong to his former girlfriend with his ex: therefore, karma just did its job :)! He learnt how his former girlfriend felt when he cheated on her.
So the moral story itās: itās not good to take a ex back without them doing a serious effort (the dumper) because will always end…
And NC itās the only only answer you Zan say.
Thank you for opening our eyes ā¤ļø
Hi Linda.
Serious effort is the prerequisite for a successful reconciliation. The dumper has to be very, very serious about getting back together, which means that he or she must not doubt his or her love for the dumpee.
Best,
Zan
Thanks for the testimonial.
I’m guessing he followed Dan Bacon’s advice. Sounds like it. Definitely one of the worst and a tool preying on emotionally vulnerable people for big money. I went through the same desperate search on how to get your ex back and the bad ones seem to get pushed to the top of the search algorithms on Google and Youtube.
It’s been ten months of no contact so I doubt I’ll ever hear from mine. I found out months after she moved out that she’d been cheating, so honestly the only reason I’d want a face to face encounter is to mention it since she denied cheating and made me feel guilty about accusing her. I wouldn’t light her up or attack her, I’d just like the opportunity to calmly bring it up because it was pretty crappy of her to do. Hard to describe the feeling but when someone flips it around and makes you feel like a horrible person for suspecting them cheating when they actually were is pretty frustrating. She was gaslighting me. Oh well, she’s not long term material and will destroy all her relationships, so I guess she’s her own worst enemy.
I know how you feel and this may not be what you want to hear but there is no point in holding onto that idea because 1) it subconsciously slows down your healing and 2) even if you were to get a chance to tell her that after all this time, it will blow up in your face and you will look pathetic and needy since you’re showing her that you’re STILL not over her and are STILL feeling butt-hurt for what she’s done. She doesn’t deserve any attention – none, zilch, zero. As far as you’re concerned she is a thing of the past – a story you tell yourself once upon a time – a memory and a lesson learned.
Focus on yourself and move on. You can do better. Almost every dumpee comes out on top after a breakup because they are forced to work on themselves whereas dumpers get carried away thinking the grass is always greener but trust me on this, they ALL eventually walk into the hidden cow shit. By then, you will be way better off and having the last laugh š
Thanks for your thoughtful reply. You’re right. My ex wife also cheated and her life ended up being a disaster including declaring bankruptcy. After reading No More Nice Guy I realized I fit the profile including gravitating to damaged women which means they end up fairing badly I’ve leveled up enormously twice because of those two experiences. It sucks at the time but pain and failure are the best tutors. It’s an unfortunate fact of the human experience that most of our growth is because of difficulty and rarely happens during good times
Because of the pandemic I’ve become a remote IT worker and I’m currently looking into a six month move to Buenos Aires while renting my condo out. It could be an amazing experience and wouldn’t have happened if I were still with my ex.
Hi Trevor.
Yes, he followed that guy’s advice. I intentionally filtered his name out so that the interview wouldn’t seem prejudiced against him.
The ones who give the most hope are usually the most watched, so they stay on top of search engines. It’s always been that way and unfortunately, always will be. At least until new global legislations are enacted.
Sorry to hear about your relationship. I know it hurts and that you may still have feelings for her, but at least rationally, you know that she’s not someone you should plan a future with. You know you deserve better.
Best wishes,
Zan