There are many reasons why guys go cold after a breakup. And they all have something to do with your words and actions that you direct toward your ex.
It’s no mystery that without dumpees’ demanding post-breakup behavior, there would be no cold ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends.
Dumpers just wouldn’t have an excuse to turn cold for.
That’s why the most logical explanation for your ex’s cold post-breakup behavior is that your ex feels trapped due to your lack of space, privacy, and respect.
You need to understand that when you communicate with your ex right after the breakup, you take away your ex’s right for freedom.
You basically get in the way of his burning necessity for space.
And that’s why he naturally responds in a way that reflects his thoughts and feelings about you.
Because of your relentless pursuit, you indirectly cause your ex to perceive your attention-seeking behavior in a negative way (even if you mean no harm).
But your ex doesn’t see it as harmless. Your ex is a single, independent person now so he sees it as a breach of space and privacy.
He may not verbally express his longing for space, but he definitely shows it in one way or another.
When he does, your ex appears cold and distant and won’t let you close to him no matter what you do.
In this article, we’ll talk about 10 reasons why guys go cold after a breakup.
1)Your ex spent days or weeks detaching
The most important reason why guys go cold after a breakup is that they detach themselves from their dumpee weeks before the breakup.
Due to their negative thinking patterns, they involuntarily change their loving emotions to repulsive ones—and start feeling repelled instead of attracted.
When they start feeling repulsed, dumpers coincidentally attach negative emotions to their long-term partners and start to despise them.
They basically let their feelings guide them to the point where they completely lose respect for their dumpee.
In other words, they simply react to their emotions instead of trying to stay in charge of them.
This is why it’s so difficult for them to downgrade from a relationship to friendship. To them, it’s not just about changing their status.
The end of intimate relationships is often black and white which means that people are either all in or all out.
This middle ground – friendship is often inaccessible and nearly impossible for both the dumper and the dumpee to explore right after the breakup.
Not unless the separation is amicable, mutual, and both the dumpee and the dumper lost feelings for each other long ago.
2)Your ex feels guilty
The easiest way for your ex to forget about what he’s done to you in the relationship and after is to turn cold and shut you out.
In this way, your ex doesn’t need to think about you, converse with you, and feel guilty about leaving you.
Your ex knows you’re in pain. So instead of comforting you (which he should be doing), he leaves you to fend for yourself while he does his things without interruptions.
Due to his strong emotional well-being, your ex appears very selfish and uncaring.
He doesn’t need any help getting over you, so he thinks that you don’t either. He just can’t sympathize with you because he doesn’t know or care about what you’re going through.
You already understand that there’s a huge emotional imbalance between your decisive dumper and a lurking you. That’s why your ex’s natural response is to turn cold and put some distance between you two.
3)He’s battling his repulsive emotions
Since it’s impossible for your ex to feel loving and repelling emotions for you at the same time, it’s only natural that your ex appears hot and cold from time to time.
Rationally, your ex knows that treating you badly is unfair and unjust. So provided your ex has a decent understanding of his own emotions, he can end up fighting his own internal battle of repulsive emotions.
Your ex’s emotions are telling him that he doesn’t want you around, but his logical thinking is doing the opposite.
This means that your ex is self-aware enough to understand that what he’s feeling isn’t “right” and that he needs to do the right thing.
4)Your ex feels trapped
The end of an intimate relationship usually means the end of a friendship and all forms of communication. At least for a while.
You can’t expect any less from your ex when your ex felt unhappy in a relationship with you and needed to go his own way.
He needed to do whatever he wanted with his new freedom – even if it’s playing video games all day.
So when you don’t let your ex have complete freedom, your ex feels trapped and feels that you require him to give you attention.
And that’s something your ex can’t do when the point of the breakup was to do be free so that he can do what he wants to do.
5)Your ex perceives you as needy and demanding
If you’re wondering why your ex went cold after the breakup, think about your ex’s situation from his perspective.
Could your ex be cold and distant because he sees you as needy and pushy?
Does your ex feel threatened after you’ve begged and pleaded?
Could your ex think of you as incredibly demanding due to your over-dependence?
Whatever the case may be, your ex sees you in an attention-seeking way because you’re the one who keeps reaching out first.
Your ex isn’t very excited to talk to you if you’re the only one eager to talk.
He never will be as long as you portray yourself in a poor light and give him the impression that you need him more than he needs you.
So instead of telling your ex that you don’t respect him as well as yourself, give your ex what he wants by going indefinite no contact.
It’s the only way to get your worth and self-esteem back.
6)He needs to push you away to focus on himself
The reason why guys go cold after a breakup is so that they can focus on themselves, their activities, and friends.
They’re actually dying to use their own version of no contact even before the separation.
So when they finally break up with you and demand silence from you, you can bet they’ll turn cold when they don’t get it.
Since you seek your ex’s attention, your ex can’t completely self-prioritize himself like he initially thought he would.
Instead, what he gets is an even more demanding you who now wants 10x the amount of attention you did before the breakup.
And that’s not something your ex can provide that easily.
Not when he feels irritated and angry.
That’s why your ex will instead do whatever makes him happy.
Turning cold and distant is normally a good way to start.
7)Your ex is busy
The time after the breakup is the time for your ex to go all out. It’s often drinking, partying, and celebration time for his new freedom and independence.
So when you try to interrupt your ex’s new and exciting life, you essentially interrupt his happiness.
And that’s not something your ex is going to let slide.
He will instead go cold and try to indirectly push you away without being obvious and mean about it.
But if you persist after that, you could annoy your ex further and force him to react in the opposite way that you intended.
He could then retaliate with outbursts of unexpressed cold emotions and engage in a post-breakup argument with you.
So avoid it at all costs.
8)Your ex is seeing someone else
Guys go cold after a breakup when they’re seeing someone else.
As a matter of fact, they go arctic cold and will do their best to shut you out quickly and efficiently.
Although you shouldn’t ask your ex whether he’s dating someone new because it will hurt you, keep this in mind as a possibility.
People, in general, can’t converse with their ex in a cheerful manner when they’re seeing someone else and like him or her too.
They can’t when their focus is on someone new and they feel attracted to that person.
That’s why you need to stay away from your ex for as long as he’s seeing someone else otherwise your ex will go cold on you and hurt you in the process.
9)Your ex is over you
Guys go cold after a breakup when they are completely over you and don’t want you around.
That’s why a cold ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend is a universal sign that your ex no longer cares about you romantically and that all your ex wants is peace and quiet.
Your ex’s way of thinking is almost always the #1 reason why your ex broke up with you and went cold after a break.
So don’t blame yourself if you think you’re the only person responsible for the breakup.
Both parties are guilty for the role they played in the relationship—so cut yourself some slack.
Both you and your ex needed to work on romance, attraction, communication, personal life, and self-development.
And that’s why you shouldn’t worry even if your ex told you that you’re at fault.
That couldn’t be further from the truth.
10)Your ex lacks knowledge and self-control
Breakups are complicated not only for the dumpee but for the dumper as well. That’s why understanding breakups makes things much, much easier for both parties.
It’s crucial to understand that both the dumper and the dumpee experience completely different emotions.
The dumper feels repelled, so he instinctively expects the dumpee to understand what he’s feeling.
On the other hand, the dumpee is going through an emotionally challenging time, so she wants the dumper to sympathize with what she’s going through.
But that often doesn’t happen—and there’s a reason for that.
When the dumper and the dumpee both lack the self-awareness to understand and sympathize with each other, they will give to each other what they need themselves.
The dumper will need space and distance, while the dumpee requires love and warmth.
And that’s something oblivious dumpers and dumpees don’t understand.
If they both lack basic breakup knowledge and self-control, they will unknowingly cause harm to each other.
It can’t be otherwise.
The dumpee will push the dumper away while the dumper coincidentally causes harm to the dumpee.
If your ex is cold, distance yourself!
If you’re the dumpee, know that the only way to protect yourself is to distance yourself.
Give your dumper ex what he needs the most and wait for him until he wants to talk to you.
You will know he’s ready when he contacts you multiple times on his own accord and expresses his desire to communicate.
Only then should you decide whether you’re ready to talk to your ex or wait until you’re fully healed.
I hope you now understand why guys go cold after a breakup. If you have any questions or your own story to share, post your comment below.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Forgive me with the long story and typos. Hope it’s still readable…
He’s 27, British, and I’m 26, Taiwanese. We met the summer 3 years ago in Taiwan right before he ended his job here.
I soon decided to go study in the UK for him the next year. During this first year, I flew twice to the UK to spend time with him, and things were all so sweet. He even introduced me into his family.
Yet here came our first breakup, which was initiated by me since I felt like he put too much time playing video games while I was on my way to study abroad. I didn’t want him to slow me down so I ended it with him though he asked me not to leave in tears. This was May, 2019.
He didn’t give up on me and kept chasing me. When I finally started my degree in the UK, he would try his very best to travel across the country after work just to come to spend a weekend with me. After a few months of him doing so, I get the love he had for me and I wanted to give him a positive answer. Yet that was too late. He already moved on to someone else because I never gave him enough hint to let him know I was into him again, instead, I said cold things to him. This was Dec, 2019.
Despite knowing that he was seeing another girl, I still decided to get my love back. I started chasing him, trying to let him know my regrets and how I wish I cherished him. I traveled to his city a few times too. Finally, just before lockdown, he decided to give me another chance. S was March, 2020.
We had a fantastic year living at his (with his mum and dad). Lockdown was boring and intolerable for many, but we had a good time from what I still feel. In October, 2020, one month after I finished my degree, he started his online. But he still put away a lot of time for me. Though there were ups and downs too. For example, during this year, I found out something he had been hiding from me and caused my trust issues with him. I started to ask him to let me go through his phone, and later on, I even asked for his social media accesses or I would rather leave. He agreed to the conditions because he didn’t want me to go. This last happened in Feb, 2021.
Also, another issue we had within this year was on our future plans. He is a very adventurous young man, and has always loved the idea of traveling and working from country to country. But I on the other hand, felt that was too unstable and told him I didn’t like the idea. I even forced him multiple times to take my plan as the only plan, which is marriage at 28 and family before 30, with less moving around. He agreed with this too cuz he said the imputing was being with me.
This March, due to the expiration of my Visa, I came back to Taiwan and we promised to meet right after he finishes his degree, which will be later this year. Yet I started to behave very irrationally. He had spoke to me again and again about his tight schedule for school work and would still try to call me everyday. But I was too needy to respect the fact that he has things to do. I blamed him for making me feel unwelcome and strengthening my insecurities. I even once called him 10 minutes before his exam just to question him why he was on social media but didn’t reply to my message. This triggered the whole problem I am having now. And this was April, 2021.
Earlier this month, one day I was feeling insecure again seeing him following a female magazine model on Instagram. I woke him up and asked him about this girl and if he could remove her, cuz he used to message these models flirtatiously. He agreed to it too but I suddenly felt so guilty for asking this, that I asked him to breakup with me. This time, he didn’t ask me to stay.
Roughly 2 hours later, I regret. I called him and asked if we could solve the problems we had together instead of splitting. But he has already moved on, saying I was so inconsistent that I wanted to breakup too often, and he had promised me the future I wanted and dreamed about it but I shattered it again and again every time I wanted to leave. He had already started to reconsider what he truly wanted for his own sake deep down. And he had come to the conclusion that he wanted to travel and early marriage was not within his plan. Seeing him being so certain about breaking up, I tried to beg him not to leave me and give me a chance to fix the problems. He said he needed time to think about what he wants for himself, and asked me for space and time and not to contact him until he found out his answer. This was 12days ago.
Within the next few days, I still tried to call him and text him to apologize and make promises to him, trying to persuade him with another opportunity for me to prove him that I’ve learnt a lesson. Until 6 days ago. The video call 6 days ago was the last time he said he loved me and wouldn’t want to lose me but he had to. I videocal led him again the next day, but his attitude was so cold and emotionless. No loving words were included even if I told him I loved him. I also tried to let him know that after speaking to my friends and family, I had realized what a childish, unsupportive partner I had been. But it was all too late. He almost gave me his final answer in that call too. A negative one.
Last night, 4 days after that call, I noticed that he had removed our photos from his Instagram completely, and my name too. (Yes it was still there even after the breakup). I was shocked for the first 30 seconds, but decided to call him in the end cuz I thought he had finally figured out that I wasn’t what he wanted anymore. I was ready for the last goodbye talk. I rushed into my bedroom, turned my laptop on and tried videocalling him, but he kept on declining. He texted me saying he just woke up, and audio call only. So we eventually spoke in audio.
I asked him if removing our photos from social media meant that he’d got an answer. But he said it was simply bc seeing our photos when he scrolled thru Instagram was not helping him think. I also asked what his feeling was toward me cuz I felt like he didn’t love me anymore. He said he felt much more peaceful without me though life hadn’t been as interesting, and he only felt he missed me when he went through his album and saw our memories. Aside from that, he didn’t think about me much. I expressed the thoughts i had after a few days of reflection, and told him that I’d respect his decision but it’d be best if he would let me a chance to correct my behavior being in a relationship with him. He was annoyed hearing me saying all the things I learnt from thinking alone in these few days. He felt like if I could see what I’d done wrong in a few days, why was that I never tried to put effort into thinking when we were still together when he brought up these problems. All I said to him was sorry and thank you. Cuz I knew it was my fault. Even if he chose to leave, I would be the one that was responsible for it. In the end of that conversation, he said he still needed time to understand what he really wanted cuz he didn’t know anymore. I promised him with the time and space.
That’s out story for now. I really love him and hope for a chance to prove him that I can be a much better partner. But he’s got colder and colder every time I called him and I don’t know if the love is still there anymore. It seems like the only solution is wait for his answer, which I know is gonna be splitting most likely. I wish I was a better person, a better listener, less selfish, and maturer. All I have now is regret, though I know I have learnt so much and will be a better self in the future. If it’s meant to be it’ll be, this is the only thing i know now.
This makes sense, I am knowing what you are talking about, but not women are like you described, there is a certain percentage of women who are looking for soul mate, sex, something, anything. Many women also use hookup sites and apps, not just dating. I suppose they have feelings but also have urges as we do…
My ex (male) is 11 years younger than me (female). 29/40. At first he didn’t care about the age difference but then his parents put in his head that I won’t be able to give him kids down the line and he mistakenly told me that, and I told him I didn’t want to hold him back, etc. So after 5-6 months of dating, we broke up. The break up lasted for 3 weeks and he then realized he loved me and begged for me back. I should add he also has an issue with drinking/drugs. Not an addict but does it a lot. So we got back together and he said he didn’t care about my age or what his parents thought and that they accepted it because he loved me. We talked about moving in together and everything. He said he was never goin to do drugs again.
Fast forward 4 months, he was bailing on me three weekends in a row to party all night with his friends, doin the drugs he said he was done with. Skipped out on important plans knowing it would upset me. When I brought it up to him how upset I was he decided that we should break up and that he’s just too young for me and can’t give me what I need, etc. And that were just at different life stages. I want kids in the next year or so(but have accepted this might not happen for me) and he doesn’t them for at least 5 more years…so we broke up. I was distraught but realized he was right. I told him a couple days later that he was indeed correct and that we would remain friends forever because we had such a tight bond. We did no contact for two months and then he drunkenly contacted me after seeing a photo of me on IG. We ended up hanging out and hooking up. It was nice but I wasn’t expecting to get back together. Then after that we were kind of on speaking terms again but it was mostly me reaching out and him responding but being a bit distant (understandably so). (I also became upset with him once or twice for miscommunicating on something but it was me just being lonely and thinking he wants nothing to do with me.) Otherwise it was only him responding to IG stories. Then after this past New Years, he called me to ‘catch up’ and we talked for 2 hours and he told me he was going to get sober and is entering a recovery program and how serious he was about it. I told him how proud I was of him.
He then took me grocery shopping a couple days after. I thought we were going to hang out after but he made excuses, and it upset me. He saw it upset me and hugged me. I told him it’s okay he doesn’t have to hang with me, we broke up after all….he said he knew and kind of slowly left, feeling bad and/or guilty. I haven’t heard from him since. It’s been over two months now. He still follows me on IG and will occasionally send an emoji to a story. The other day I asked how he was and he responded but was very surface/kind of distant. I told him I didn’t realize I wasn’t going to hear from him after last time I saw him. He said to be fair he isn’t really communicating with anyone (which is a lie, I see him on IG and he’s used that excuse in the past) I got upset and said it just feels shitty to be left out in the cold and he became very cold and told me he’s working on himself and that he’s sorry he hurt me and that someday when things are better for him, he hopes that we can catch up and wished me a good night. Felt so weird and cold. I was so close with this person and we cared for each other so much. We quarantined together. How he can suddenly be so cold is so painful? My gut tells me he’s dating someone because he added some random girl on IG right after we went grocery shopping and that’s when he stopped talking to me. Could be a coincidence but it makes sense. I hate that I haven’t moved on yet. I have been going on dates but nothing is making me feel better. I had such a connection with this person. I hate that we’re at different life stages and now the idea of a friendship even sounds bleak. I get why some people need their space but I don’t get how he can just shut me out like that.
I was in a long distance relationship with my bf for 6 months,until 4kf days ago he decided by himself to end the relationship… We were really fine and we still feel love for each other,the only one thing it’s i’ve hurt my ex boyfriend with my bad temper,since he’s a very sensitive person, and i told him i’m willing to change and improve that, but he always replied he didn’t know how it’d go and that someone less senstive would be better for me, so he overthought alot about it and took this decision by himself, cause he bottled up those feelings while i hurt him,.. I just wish i could show him im doing and i will do my best to change,I’d like to know what to do to make things work out and recover his trust on me, and also advices to improve my bad temper and don’t hurt him again…
I was in a 5 year relationship and we lived together. We never had huge arguments, just some minor disagreements over the 5 years. We came back from an amazing vacation the beginning of July. Two weeks later we started to look at houses up the mountains again (we put on hold during the winter). About a week later he was planning a trip for us for Labor Day weekend. Two days later after he reacted harshly to the dog he walked out for work, kissed me goodbye and told me he loved me. When he texted me later that day as he always did, I told him I thought he over reacted to the dog and he agreed. He then stated that if I wanted him to leave he would. I never told him that and I told him that things felt off lately. When I came home that night he said he thought about things and thinks we should break up and he would move out. He stated he needed time to move and could he still stay. I said yes of course. The next day in text, I asked what had happened that we got to this point. He blamed COVID. I stated that it could not be as we both still worked and went on a great vacation. I said to him if you no longer love me just say that. He immediately replied with “very sorry I no longer love you”. That night he stayed elsewhere and his things stayed in the apartment for another month until he found a place to live. He came to apartment twice to pick up a few things in the interim. During those times, he talked as if it was any other day. When I tried to bring up my feelings, he told me he was physically sick over this, that he didn’t want this, that he doesn’t love himself right now and that this is not what he wanted. This confused me even more. I asked why he lied to my face that last morning saying he loved me and he told me he didn’t lie. He expected us to still hangout and take the dog to the park. But I ruined that by being emotional and his last text to me was that we needed more time apart and maybe in time things will be different. He moved his things completely out last week. I have been 7 days NC. Last night he unfriended all of my family and all of our mutual friends with the exception of a few. He unfollowed me on Instagram. I am so lost. This man was my love and best friend for 5 years. We enjoyed doing so much together and had fun together just doing nothing. How can he turn so cold? How can he move on and just forget I exist after 5 years? How could someone just stop loving and caring about me with the flip of a switch?
I’m so sorry for your pain Dawn! I understand that it must be very difficult to go through this pain. You clearly love him and gave him a lot of your time, love and support throughout the years. Leave him be. Heal yourself. He will realize what an amazing woman he lost when he gets time and space.
Hey,
It sounds like we have literally been through the exact same situation 🙁 I wondered how you are now and if he ever reached out? I am so sorry you had to go through this, I am going through it now and it is one of the most painful feelings in the world! x
My bf also broke up with me all of a sudden after 6,5 years together and living together. One week before he even still said he wanted to marry me, have kids with me and everything. He said he was sure he loved me so much, never wanted things to end. And at the day of breaking up he said he just didn’t love me anymore. How??
Why do guys start developing repulsive emotions weeks before the break up?
And how do they still say these things then? and it felt like it was genuine, I could see love in his eyes.
My bf broke up with me 3 weeks ago after a little fight. It seemed so disproportionate but I found out he told his family and friends before me. He admitted to “taking a way out” and I guess it was my lucky day.
I would get so irritated that his time with friends and family had to be theirs, but my time was never mine.
We saw each other 3 times since and I’ve broken no contact just about every day. I went 3 days silent and he messaged me a pic of us and of course I responded and fell back into the cycle and he is cold.
I asked him to block me on everything because he keeps back peddling into just needing a “step back” and being done forever or trying to tell me this is so he can “love me better” when he figures things out. He saw his best friend who’s in love with him after we saw each other, lied about it first, then admitted to have been speaking with her a week prior and deleting the messages as well as confiding in her. Which I feel is so messy and unfair.
He’s admitted to being sad and lost and I don’t think he’s a terrible person, but after 4 years I felt like I deserved better. Atleast comunication.
Im trying to focus on myself now with plant therapy and working out. I went through a phase for a couple weeks prior to the break up where I was trying new anxiety meds and I didn’t desire an intimate connection and unfortunately I think that was too much for him.
Thank you for your post and sorry this is long. Just feels like I’m in shock and I don’t understand how you can just drop someone who was a huge part of your life.
Woah were the same story. I feel you.
Thanks a lot for sharing this… its exactly what i went through as a dumpee..dumped by my husband, though it was a love-led marriage. We were in love for 4 years before marriage and had 3 years of a lovely marriage life.
I loved him lot and i thought we were the best couple on earth..we dint have any aurguements or misunderstandings..it was all so good..i loved each moment spent with him..i was yearning to see his smile every day..being around him was my only happiness.
But, He left me all of a sudden in a very cold manner. I couldnt even realise that he was going to leave me forever. He left me though i was begging him not to leave, holding his feet and crying. But still he left like he dint care..he compelled me to go back to my dad’s home the very same day.
I was depressed and lifeless. I became very ill, weak and lost concentration.. i was just physically existing, though i dint even want to be alive. I was in complete agony, and i kept on thinking why he left me, for he gave no proper reason. He started going no contact several weeks before he broke up..and i tried to meet him some days to know what happened, as i dint have any clue…even during those days, he tried to convey me that he dint want me anymore, he was unavailable other that the few minutes he spent to tell me that he doesnt want me. He told me that ever since marriage his life was full of me and he didnt like that i was obsessed on him and hereafter he wanted to live his own life. He also said that he didn’t feel any bonding with me. But, the way he told it to me was very cold and though i was crying in front of him and got a chest pain, he never seemed to care. He was more urging to leave the place…i tried contacting many times to convey him that i am ready to make any change that makes him feel good..i apologized for everything and was ready to do anything to preserve the relationship..but he never attends calls or never replies to emails and he has also blocked my whatsapp. However i still kept trying to reach him because i thought i wanted to comfort him as he may be feeling lonely…but he never answered. Its been almost one year with the same status..i m trying to reach out in all possible ways and he just doesn’t want me. Atleast i want to talk to him to understand why he left me and help him out if he is in distress..but i m unable to communicate…he has blocked me from all forms of communication, even through his family and friends.
I feel so devastated and the question of why he is so cold keeps troubling me.. and now after reading your article i am able to understand, and it has given me some relief.
I dont know what to do.. i love him so much.. i am being silent for the past two days (without making any calls or sending emails) because i hope he will be feeling some relief without me.
Deeya how are you today ? what happened
Trying to talk to him is not going to help you. If you ever want him to come back to you or talk to you again. You most give him his space . Even those after all that time you begging him that push him more away from you. .. try to focus on yourself healing your heart. Perhaps he was cheating on you reason why went so cold on you. Men don’t change like that without a reason. Specially when you have a good marriage
Hello, Zan
I feel like I’ve complicated my situation a little bit. I told him to reconsider his decision and a week later he still doesn’t regret it. Then I went into no contact for 3 days and asked him again. He hasn’t budged. He is very satisfied with himself. He told me he had emotionally detached himself few months ago. But during the relationship, he seemed very normal , only a little bit aloof. He laughed the same. But right now, he thinks he has made the right decision. I’m thinking of going into indefinite no contact. I left him still asking him to reconsider and message me if he changes his mind. Told him I love him. That’s all. According to him he “worries” about me but doesn’t miss me or feel the love. Do you think I made a mistake by asking him to reconsider?
My ex boyfriend broke my heart and am trying to change toward a positive life instead of negative. I overcome my alcoholism sobriety and wrote him a letter. He doesn’t care about my feelings. He told me to remove his phone # and email immediately. We are over! I was devastated and hurts because there are no closure about miscommunication. I still love him and want to make amend. Seems that put me in position that I’m in fault to damage the relationship. I don’t know how to move on. It’s frustrating to cope this alone.
Hi KMC,
I feel your pain. I recently experienced a break up and it was not an easy one. We broke up on bad terms. This quarantine is not helping coping with the pain. My advice to us, is to move on. Time will heal us and make us stronger. Nothing is more beautiful than independent, intelligent, bounce back women. One day, we will get that closure we need. But for now, just stay focus and plan your future. If its meant to be it will be.
Hi,
Firstly thank you so much by writing this article because reading it made complete sense and I feel like this is what I am going through exactly. I think this line pretty much sums it all up – ‘The dumper will need space and distance, while the dumpee requires love and warmth’.
I was dumped by my boyfriend 3 months ago. We were together for 5 years but for the last 2-3 years I really started to struggle in the relationship to the point where I developed anxiety (panic attacks and was feeling stressed all the time), I found it really hard to go to work and started developing health problems. My partner never seemed to struggle like I did, he managed to progress in his job and recently got promoted. My main problem is I couldn’t quite understand what I meant to him. I have always felt like his work, friends and leisure time always took top priority, I used to say this to him but he always denied it and made feel like I was unreasonable for saying this. Right from the beginning he would always endorse doing things separately leaving me feeling confused but I believed he loved me so I continued with the relationship. I think I just thought we need more time and our bond would get stronger and he would want to spend more time with me.
At the time of breaking up, I just wanted to have a conversation/row to get it all out, but it seems he was just waiting for this moment and just broke up with me (citing old arguments). I accepted it at the time, but because that wasn’t the outcome I wanted (I wanted us to fix the problems) I think I still feel like I am in the relationship. So I contacted him 3 weeks after the initial breakup, I went to see him and he sat me down and broke up offically. I still didn’t realise what was happening, as I contacted him 3 times after this (all in 2 months). Once I asked him if I could say something, but he refused to see me and only wanted contact over text. I didn’t want to pour my feelings over text, so I didn’t text him anything. I have recently spoken to him but that was so I can start moving my things out. He has contacted me twice for logistical things not to speak about things. I do want to speak to him and meet him but I don’t think I will be initiating anything from now onwards.
I realised that I am anxious and he is avoidant within the relationship. My general feeling is that he made everything about him in the relationship but after some reflection, I realised he would probably say the same about me, as I put my emotions at the forefront.
Hi! I have gone through a pretty identical situation by the sound of it, just two months ago. May I ask you how you are today? And how did thing evolve? I hope there is some positive from all this pain we have to go through…Thanks!
Hi going threw a breakup after 6+ yrs. I am 51 he is 57. I dated this guy and after a year or so he knew my intentions were either be married or be living together. After 4 yrs I moved in with him and his daughter, age 30. well He was drinking allot and we needed our space. I moved back into my home.
Well since than we got closer and things were going well. I told him I was ready for the next step to live together, since he now has youngest and oldest daughter her husband and four kids, ex wife also living in his house he said he would move in with me and we were ready to take this next step. Well nothing was happening he wasn’t moving in. I told him if the relationship wasn’t gonna move forward I needed to move on, Well after a short breakup he came begging me back said he was willing to do what it took and wanted a future together a real future. once again nothing happened and we started fighting allot. After a weekend together he decided to breakup with me in a text just saying he couldn’t be that 24/7 guy I wanted. after 6 yrs gave me no real closure. Because we are both kind people and had been through allot together I wanted friendship, he never allowed that and has been cold and harsh to me ever since. I recently found out he is now after only 3 months has a girlfriend. Ive don’t so many wrong things begging and bothering him for closure and friendship. He has be blocked on phone and won’t answer any emails or anything. I am struggling I love him I know it wouldn’t work buy why did he get someone else so quickly and already introduced her to his family? I lay in bed wondering why I wasn’t good enough for him to give me some kind of commitment after 6yrs. I stood by him threw so much. His ex wife was living in his house because of a infant baby she had custody of and his daughters were helping her with this baby because his daughter wasn’t able to have babies so she intends to adopt this baby meanwhile the ex wife has custody so he let her move in. I struggled with this but stood by him. stood by him with death in his family illness with his father so much. A week before he broke it off we went out for drinks with his cousin and his wife and her friend, well this woman and him were very friendly with each other that night and I told him. Well come to find out that is now his new girlfriend. His daughter and mother are also very harsh with me. I did nothing this wasn’t a bad breakup we just didn’t want the same future apparently. He has no reason to be angry with me however I should be the one angry he lead me on for so many years promising me a future that he apparently never intended on giving me. I was always a convenience to him, He loured me in to love him and become close to his family and now I am just left like i was never anything to anyone.
Hi, it takes a while before you realise your own part in your suffering. Perhaps if you had paid attention to his actions instead of his ‘false’ promises earlier and pulled out the plug a long time ago, you wouldn’t have been led on for all those years. Of course, someone shouldn’t lead you on, but people will do to you whatever you let them do. That’s just the harsh reality. I’m sorry that you had to go through this and experience this heart break. Next time don’t give so much to another person unless they invest the same amount (or more) in you. And don’t think that being there for them will amount to any appreciation. People do what is best for themselves. Don’t think that you are not anything to anyone. You are everything to yourself and to any other person who can see your value. Someone who can’t is not worthy of your energy, love, time or attention. Take care.
Greetings, I’ve been in a long distance relationship for a year with this woman, to put things into perspective I had a very bad case of anxiety and couldn’t even go outside during the day at all, we loved each other dearly and everything was amazing, she was trying very hard to try and get me out of my situation of agoraphobia but I mostly ignored because I wasn’t feeling strong enough yet, as a result we never met, then I started to lose the spark when she showed me pictures of her, I started being more distant, ignoring her and making her feel abandonned, she broke up with me and at first I felt like I didn’t care, it’s only after about a month that I realised what I just lost, I was panicking and tried my best to get her back, made all the insecure mistakes, and it was when I threatened her I would end my life she would take me back out of pity.
We were together again for about 3 months until she had enough of me acting so insecure, jealous, needy because I basically caged her and ignored all her needs, prevented her from seeing her friends because I needed her.
I obviously acted in absolute panic after the breakup, crying begging… She told me to move on, to give her space and that we don’t know what the future will bring.
Ever since I started to work on myself, I’m going to the gym, I can now go outside during the day alone, making groceries shopping and other stuff which is a huge improvement for me, and I know she would be so proud of me.
For about a week after the break up I asked her with confidence if I could spend a week with her, she has a concert soon so I thought this would be a good opportunity,
I thought maybe she would be very impressed since I never had the courage to meet her, after hesitating a while she basically told me she needed space, and after pushing
a bit she told me that no, she didn’t want to see me.
I said that I understand and that she should never forget that I finally gave my hand to meet her for good then politely ended the discussion and told her good night.
I’ve recently made friends with one of her friends through a video game and we had a lot of fun together, we were in a voice chat and suddenly my ex comes out of nowhere inside the call, she played with us but was kind of cold, tired, while we were having a blast laughing cracking jokes, after about 30 minutes my ex stopped playing
with us and left after saying she was tired.
I broke no contact today. She willingly played a video game with me and had we talked alot (for about 3 hours) but I talked about how I’m improving as a person, the breakup, apologies, how we could work things out and a bunch of other stuff.
She obviously told me she needed space and time, I told her that I’m gonna just do that, that I wasn’t interested in being friends and when she’s ready we could meet in person.
Thank you so much for reading.
Hi DoubtfulAxe.
Congratulations on getting this far.
I strongly suggest you keep improving and fighting your inner demons.
They should be your first priority before your ex.
As for her, as long as you speak to her in a non-threatening way, you’ll be okay. Just don’t talk about the breakup and getting back together.
Focus on the games and having fun.
Best regards,
Zan
Hello Zan, since the 19th of october I’ve been in no contact with my ex, the 11th of november she reached out to me texting a simple “Hey, how are you ?” to which I replied “I’m good, how about you ?” she told me how she was thinking about me because she listened to French music (I’m French she’s German) and she was wondering why I’ve been so much “offline” on the pc (sign she’s actually stalking me), I told her I had a lot going on and that we should catch up later after I’ve taken care of a few things, to which she accepted.
So we catch up on discord (Where we can use microphones to talk), we talked, flirted, played video games, she told me at one point that she missed some small cute “ritual” thingies about our relationship (not gonna go into details) and that she cares about me and is still “close”, it was an intense moment where I could feel the feelings through her, I’ve said that I missed it too and care about her too, she was thankful that I give her the space and time she asks and need and I said I was happy to give it to her, she was also interested to know if I dated girls to which I said that I tried asking someone just for confidence sake, thing that I would have never imagined doing 3 months earlier, we then proceeded to make some jokes about the potential “date”, but she insists that she’s ok if I want to date other women.
I’ve shown confidence, didn’t beg or plead, never talked about the break up or the relationship, now it’s been a day where I didn’t hear about her, should I still stick to no contact and only reply when she reaches out ?
Remember that it’s a long distance relationship, we never met, I made her feel smothered and trapped because of my controlling behavior when I was completely insecure jealous and possessive… I’m still extremely attached and attracted to this woman, I truly wish to have her in my life it’s difficult to move on and after this event I feel more anxious because I feel like it disturbed my progress of healing.
I feel like there is lots of signs she still has feelings for me but is scared to commit again because of how unstable I would have seemed, her birthday is soon, 23 of November, I think it would be a good idea to at least send her a birthday card with a postal card (she loves them and collect them) at first I didn’t want to send anything but since right now we seem to be on a fairly good term confusing between “friend” or “romance” I think I should at least send her the cards (Should I send a Happy Birthday text too ?.
Please Zan, I need help, I truly wish to have a story with her, I’m 22 she’s soon 33 if you could give me the best advice to get her back, what do you think about the situation, do you think I should send a card for her birthday (I know it’s not a good idea but I feel like in my unique situation it would be necessary since I fear it would make her feel “harmed” if I didn’t).
Thank you so much for your time I am extremely grateful, I hope you have a wonderful day and I thank you again so much.
A sincerely hopeful person.
Hi DoubtfulAxe.
Your ex has reached out, but she hasn’t fallen for you yet.
Frankly, she told you to date someone else if you want to and to do what makes you happy.
This is her personal advice you should take very seriously.
So don’t wait around for her to think better of you. It may or may not happen.
That’s why I reiterate that she isn’t ready for more yet.
Whether you reach out or not isn’t going to change a thing right now.
I strongly suggest that you prioritize yourself and work on strengthening your attachment style.
Continue getting over her and don’t reach out just yet.
It’s not safe for you to do so.
As for the birthday wishes, I suggest that you refrain from sending her anything physical.
Send her an online happy birthday wish instead and take it one step at a time.
Just don’t do what an ex-partner shouldn’t do.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thank you for your reply I really appreciate it.
This morning I reached out to her because she told me she missed our little texting session when she was going to work. (She’s going to work on a bus and we can text for an hour or two when that happens).
So we text about random topics, and at one point she texts me “Just let’s start slowly, ok ?” “We shouldn’t overrun like last time” to which I reply : “It’s ok, I understand, it’s the best we can do and I’m happy to take things slowly” to which she replies : “Yeah, I mean… we will see, what happens, I can’t promise anything” I replied “That’s ok”
So yeah, basically from now on I should stick to no contact, hopefully she reaches out before her birthday… I will try very hard to refrain myself to send a postcard even though I feel like it would be a mistake to not send one, but at least I’ll have the relief to wish her a happy birthday on the phone.
This situation is so hard because I’m keeping faith for the relationship to bloom again but I’m exhausted from the stress and anxiety it gives me from thinking about her, it’s hard to keep composure when all you want to do is pour out all the love out of your heart for this person…
What I don’t really understand is why did she say “Just let’s start slowly ok?” can I get some clarification on that ? does it simply mean “I still need some space it’s not time yet ?”
Hi DoubtfulAxe.
She shouldn’t have told you to take things slowly because it gave you false hope.
From my understanding, she said it to keep you at a distance so that you don’t come rushing back or get hurt from another rejection.
I suggest you let her initiate and invest in you if she wants to. She’ll do it if she really “wants to take it slow.”
Best regards,
Zan
Hi! First, I wanted to thank you for sharing this article. I’m in the middle of my second No Contact and I wanted to ask your opinion on my situation.
My ex and I broke up last month, after four months together: he gave me no explanation.
Everything between us was good: no fights, no discussions, he had cherished me like he really cared about me: he told me he felt lucky to have me by his side. I felt loved.
Then, suddenly he left.
I did not beg, I did not plead (although I was devastated), I just asked why he did not want to tell me what was wrong between us, but he refused to talk, so I went in NC.
15 days after the breakup, He started sending me texts, asking me how I was feeling, telling me he was having a bad time and he wanted to make love to me again. He even called me to tell me he wanted me and suddenly got angry, distant and cold at the phone. He yelled at me, and I was just asking why he was calling me.
I kept ignoring him, because hearing his voice was making everything worse.
Two weeks after the call, He refused to get his things back: he told me to keep them, as if “they could keep us connected”. I left them at his door the next day.
Honestly, I still love him and it hurts like hell (I cry all the time), but I cannot understand at all his behavior. I would like him back, but I don’t know what to do.
Sorry, the post came out really long. Anyway, thank you again, I find a lot of encouragement in your articles.
Cecilia
Hi Cecilia.
Your ex left because he wasn’t happy, so don’t make him more unhappy.
Don’t ignore him if you want him back.
This is probably why he got angry and disrespectful to you over the phone. Some people react that way when they’re ignored.
So hear him out and sympathize with him when he reaches out.
Kind regards,
Zan