There is so much false information out there on the hot and cold ex behavior so I figured it’s finally time to discuss the real reasons why your ex is hot one day and cold the next.
Most breakup experts will tell you that hot and cold behavior from an ex is a good sign. They will tell you that your ex is having doubts as to whether to proceed with the broken relationship or to abandon it altogether.
Although it is true that your ex is having doubts (which is a very bad thing, not good), your ex is not fighting his or her inner demons to get back together with you.
In all honesty, your hot and cold ex has different plans with you as hot and cold behavior is honestly never about reconciling. It’s about keeping you around as a friend and not looking like the bad person in the process.
This article is written for those dumpees who have gotten contacted by their exes and have difficulties conversing with their exes on an equal footing.
My ex is hot and cold
As we have mentioned many times before on this blog, dumpers and dumpees undergo different types of emotions. Without going into too much detail, dumpers and dumpees are in a completely different world.
While dumpees are driven by melancholia and nostalgia, dumpers go through stages of relief and other repulsive emotions.
Dumpers feel happy to be on their own or with someone else so they often appear happy—which makes dumpees miserable as a result. They might do this blatantly on social media or by mentioning their outstanding happiness to their friends and family.
In whichever way they show their happiness does not matter right now. What does matter though is that dumpers act the way they do because of what they feel. Most people are bad at hiding emotions and dumpers are no exceptions. Just how dumpees, they are experiencing powerful breakup emotions after all.
This is also the reason why dumpers act hot and cold and seem to be able to display positive and negative emotions one after another. To bystanders, their behavior seems as if they care and don’t care at the same time—which disorientates dumpees who care about them.
If your ex is hot and cold, you will likely feel extremely hopeful that things can improve between the two of you. You will probably hope your ex will switch to only hot behavior and stay there just how he or she did in the past.
Even though it’s not impossible, it likely won’t happen when your ex abuses his or her power and knows you will tolerate impudence.
That’s why it might be best to let go of hope after a breakup as quickly as you possibly can.
Hot and cold ex behavior is unjust!
The good thing about people is that they will always show you what they feel about you. If they are interested in you, they will show you. And if they are not interested, they will also show you.
It’s really no rocket science to figure out people’s interest level in you. The same goes for exes that appear hot and cold and switch back and forth often as if they are indecisive.
The answer is the definition of the word indecisive. It means that your ex is overwhelmed with doubt as to what to do with you and how to talk to you.
Basically, your ex appears hot – interested when he or she wants you to be his or her time-filler.
On the other hand, your ex is cold – disinterested when he or she has better things to do so your ex puts you on the back-burner.
In modern society, such people are called users. They show up when they need you and disappear off the face of Earth when you need them.
So if your ex needs you one moment and can’t care less if you drop dead the next, there are serious issues with your relationship. There’s a huge power play in place as your ex knows exactly what you will put up with. Your ex also knows that you need him or her more than he or she needs you. And this is why you likely can’t have a functional relationship with this person. Not yet anyway.
When the wrong person (an ex) comes to the realization that you value him or her more than yourself, things turn dark really quickly. Your ex will then abuse his or her power of excessive, new-found significance and validation and treat you like a second-class citizen.
It goes without saying that no relationship ever should work on such an unfair basis. This is true for romantic relationships, friendships, families, acquaintances, strangers and even exes.
Nobody has the right to treat others as if they don’t matter, but many people do it anyway. They just don’t care—especially exes.
Hot and cold behavior after the breakup
A hot and cold ex often behaves erratically due to conflicting emotions between wanting to do the right thing (talk to you) and not wanting to do anything with you at all. This usually occurs for a reason when your ex she is reminded of the negative parts of your relationship or feels like you want more from your ex than he or she does from you.
Even if everything is going fine and dandy and you communicate like mature individuals, your ex can still act hot and cold depending on his or her temporary objective.
For example, if your ex wants to talk to you, your ex will be hot towards you. And if he or she wants space and distance, your ex will be cold towards you.
It’s often a matter of timing and not necessarily his or her overall impression of you. Your ex doesn’t turn stone-cold because he or she despises you 24/7. Most of the time, post-breakup hot and cold behavior is extremely situational and ranges from very hot to hot and mild.
Furthermore, if your ex is bored and wants someone to talk to, you will be the right candidate. Contrarily, when he or she is busy with someone else, your ex will shut you out and act cold and distant.
Here’s a chronological representation of a hot and cold ex from the breakup onwards.
The thin line
There’s a thin line separating your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend from acting hot and cold towards you after you’ve gotten back in contact with him or her. This thin line—which can be crossed very easily is the reason why hot and cold behavior occurs so frequently post-breakup.
Due to familiarity, it’s extremely easy to fall back into an old routine with an ex and feel as if you’re together again. Your ex, of course, knows and feels this too. And when your ex feels that you’re getting to close to him or her, your ex feels repulsed. Your ex will then step on the break and deprive you of his or her love and kindness and hurt you in the process.
It will feel as if you’ve made great progress in attracting your ex back until you’ve said something that pushed your ex away again.
So if you’re scratching your head, pulling your hair out, and telling yourself, “My ex is hot and cold,” you’re likely partially blaming yourself for something you may or may not have done.
If you are, know that you may not even be responsible for your ex’s hot and cold behavior. It may just be your ex’s self-defense mechanism preventing him or her to get too emotional and attached to you again.
That’s why you shouldn’t blame yourself for your ex’s words and actions post-breakup. Unless you’re overpursuing, it’s likely not your fault, but rather your ex’s poor self-awareness and a lack of self-control.
Please keep this in mind at all times when you’re dealing with the dumper.
Why is my ex being so cold towards me?
After the breakup, dumpers become so cold and distant they completely freeze ?their love toward their dumpees. They appear so cold-hearted they often scare even their own friends who could potentially pose a threat to their private life. And in all honesty, they seldom scare themselves too.
That said, exes may be cold, but as you know, ice gradually thaws on its own as long as it’s exposed to warm, natural conditions. That’s why you can’t interfere with your ex.
If you add you (the fire) next to it?? you get a watery mess which annoys your ex beyond belief
In other words, your cold ex doesn’t like your warmth. He or she wants to remain cold and closed off to all possible threats that endanger his or her emotions toward you.
Moreover, your ex just wants to be left alone and do whatever makes him or her happy. Everything else doesn’t matter to your ex because the post-breakup emotions speak for your ex.
Here are the reasons why your ex is so cold.
Your ex’s hot and cold emotions are a strong indication that your ex hasn’t processed the breakup fully. His or her demeanor shows that your ex needs more space before your relationship could progress in the right direction.
That’s why your ex will tell you what he or she is feeling openly and directly by turning cold toward you and hope that you get the hint.
In doing so, your ex will push you away and procure the space that he or she craves so badly. It’s what your ex absolutely needs to live an uninterrupted life without the horrible repelling post-breakup emotions.
Trying to force your ex to speed up the time it takes him or her to get to the neutrality stage of a breakup is not possible as your ex is in charge of all emotions. As a matter of fact, you can only delay your ex’s recovery by annoying him or her.
Why is my ex hot and cold?
Similar to the cold behavior, when an ex is hot and cold, he or she acts based on what he or she feels in the moment. It’s a variation between being on his or her best behavior and wanting nothing to do with you.
Sometimes it may seem as if your ex switches from hot to cold behavior even if the previous conversation couldn’t end any better. This occurs due to many situational reasons.
Your ex could act hot and cold based on his or her:
- current mood
- relationship difficulties with his/her new partner
- thoughts about your dysfunctional relationship (victim’s mentality)
- way of treating you. If you allow yourself to be treated horribly, some people will abuse their power
- boredom, lack of friends, romantic partners, and fun activities
- lack of space and boundaries from you
Basically, your ex could act hot when he or she has nothing on his or her schedule and turn cold the moment something more captivating captures his or her attention.
For example, you could be having a great conversation about work with your ex until you overstep your boundaries, get emotionally too close to your ex and pretend that you’re still a couple.
That’s when your ex will realize what you’re doing and take a few steps back to make some distance between the two of you. He or she will do this because getting too close to you doesn’t feel right. This is especially true if your ex is dating someone else or has just broken up with you.
Fire and ice
Do you remember when we said that your ex is ice and you’re fire? Your ex doesn’t want too much intimacy and as a result, turns cold as we mentioned in the previous chapter.
Types of hot and cold behavior are:
- momentary – your ex’s behavior changes during a conversation when you get emotionally too close to him or her.
- situational – your ex’s hot and cold behavior changes based on his or her surroundings, such as breaking up with his/her partner, failing an important exam, over-prioritization.
These are the only two types of hot and cold behavior with an ex-partner. That’s because you either push your ex’s buttons with your very presence or because something out of your control happens on your ex’s end.
It could even be both, but the chances of that happening are slim.
My ex just reached out and is acting hot and cold
Once the dumpers’ relief wanes, they begin to slowly realize that the way they had behaved was impulsive or irrational. They discern that they had not been their best selves to their exes and as a result, get overwhelmed with guilt, shame, and other demeaning, regretful emotions.
So when they reach out to their exes for the first time, they often do so with the intention to alleviate some of their guilt for their horrible post-breakup treatment. They don’t reach out to make their dumpees feel better per se, but rather to make themselves feel better!
So when they reach out initially and the conversation quickly ends after the “how are you, how’s the dog,” you can be almost certain that your ex isn’t worried about the dog. Your ex is worried about his or her own karmic actions toward you and wants to see if you’ve forgiven him or her. And when your ex sees that you hold no grudges, he or she will probably disappear for a little while.
So if you’ve been waiting for the moment when your ex reaches out for the first time and you try to seize this opportunity, you may want to think twice about your plans. Trying to extort more from your ex than he or she is willing to share will make your ex experience either:
- hot and cold behavior
- cold behavior
First encounter with an ex
Just because your ex reaches out first doesn’t always mean that he or she is dying to converse and get back together. Yes, your ex has finally gotten past the initial two stages of a breakup for the dumper, but he or she hasn’t processed all of the post-breakup emotions.
I know some coaches advise on inviting your ex out the moment he or she reaches out, but this is just so wrong. Your ex will likely not even want to grab a coffee when he or she reaches out for the first time, let alone get back together. Asking (which is really begging) to become exclusive is like asking a stranger to skip phases of courtship and become a couple right away.
Yes, your ex is no stranger as he or she knows you in and out, but emotionally, you’re far from being a couple. This is why inviting your ex out right away will scare him or her away and turn him or her cold—which is a self-defense mechanism.
If you try to jump the gun, your ex will change from hot to cold in mere seconds—which will set you back to square one. Moreover, you will also be handing over all the power you’ve accrued up to this point.
If your ex has just reached out, it means your ex has merely recovered to the point where he or she once again cares about his or her karma and respects you enough to message you. Please don’t interpret it as a sign that your ex still loves you or you could see a very cold ex.
My ex is hot and cold. What can I do?
Since every person is responsible for his or her own emotions, the only thing you can do is wait. Go back to no contact and let your ex get past the aforementioned dumpers’ second stage. Once your ex makes progress, you likely won’t know that so develop the patience to allow him or her to come to you on his or her own terms.
You are likely doing most of the conversation initiation and it’s not working out for you very much. Your ex probably replies in a short manner and tries to pretend everything is alright for a while until the conversation quickly dies.
This happens because your ex feels disinterested and doesn’t wish to converse with you. He or she likely has different plans and so should you when you get a lot of hot and cold treatment.
When an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend is hot and cold, he or she is essentially asking for space and time. This is why the rules of no contact are still the most applicable remedy you should memorize in and out. Not only are the rules your best option when your ex is hot and cold toward you, but it’s also the only option.
No contact is that one last card in your hand that could save you a lot of effort, embarrassment, and time. If you play this card right, it could promote your health and well-being as well, so play it!
Here are the things you shouldn’t do when your ex is hot and cold towards you.
I have seen some dumpees experience hot and cold treatment for half a year or even a year, so I don’t suggest you stick around, hoping things would change.
They could, but they likely won’t. You will have a better chance of re-attracting the person you love in no contact. This is because when your ex takes the initiative to contact you, he or she is the person who wants your attention and not vice-versa. By showing interest in you, your ex indirectly invests in you and raises your value.
If your ex is the one who messages or calls frequently, then you shouldn’t experience any hot and cold treatment from your ex. Not unless you intentionally attempt to crawl back into your ex’s heart every time you pick up the phone.
How do I communicate with a hot and cold ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend?
If you don’t wish to stay in no contact and want to instead put yourself through self-inflicted torture, then there are of course ways to communicate with your ex.
Here are a few general guidelines when it comes to communicating with your hot and cold ex.
If your ex is acting hot and cold, communicating with him or her won’t be easy. The communication will likely happen mainly on his/her terms so you might find it difficult to get your ex to trust you again.
Take it one step at a time and focus on having a great time. If you do, you will appear genuine—which is attractive. You don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not and neither do you have to showcase change. Your ex will pick up on it, but won’t like you any more as a result.
Something usually has to occur to push your edge over the edge toward you. Something as simple as a rejection from his or her crush might do the trick.
That’s why all you have to do is focus on being the best you can be. If that doesn’t suffice, then nothing will.
Is your ex hot and cold? Did you enjoy reading the “my ex is hot and cold” article? Did it make any sense? I’d like to read your thoughts below this post.
My ex broke up with me 3 months ago. I did not plead or beg. I said ok and answered his questioned with a no to being friends. He was rude during the whole ordeal but I did not show that I was affected by it. I said I wished him the best and left. I immediately went no contact but responded on my birthday. It did not go well and decided to give myself more time. I thought two months would be fine to feel better about myself again. I told him to give me space but he text me every week. I ignored it. The last day I responded and was polite and cordial. He said he counted the days and if we could be friends. I said I would think about it and he got upset. Showed he was the the same person as I was making personal improvements in my life. I hesitantly accepted and we have been talking. I am still polite and energetic in the conversation. He at one point mentioned how I have changed. We have hung out once and it was ok. I wish I did not go because he was drinking. He seemed nervous. We have talked after but he is hot and cold. He asks to hang out and then next day it’s like he never asked. It’s strange and confusing. I do not know where his mindset is or what he wants. I’m ready to just ignore him completely. I have read so much material on breakup and post breakup that I feel he is stringing me along or using me to help himself. I do not know but I am in a better mindset to know it is not right and thinking of just cutting ties for good as I initially planned.
My ex is hot and cold with me after 6 months still. I have done my best to match her energy over the last few months and things where going okay until she decided to stop talking to me again a few days ago.
I called her out in our goodbye chat on the fact that if she really wanted this breakup she would have stopped talking to me and coming in to my work months ago but hasn’t. Before we stopped talking we had spoke daily for about 6 weeks, we had been intimate, she was very affectionate and even planned to do things post lockdown with me. She is incredibly mature and rational so I know emotionally she must be going through stuff but am not sure how to handle the situation. After I called her out her she become really emotional, and apologised for everything, even telling me she was emotional because everything I had said was right. What do I do in this situation, I dont want to loose her…
I’m going through the exact same thing (5 months post breakup) and I feel our only option is to remain distant, let them initiate the contact. I don’t want to lose my girl either. We facetimed the other day and she was excited. She even blew me up all day the next day, suggesting we get together sometime. I didn’t get excited or message too much. Guess what happened the next day? She was back to being cold again. For whatever reason, women will test us. In the past, I got upset and called her out for “playing games”. Even though it bothered me, I didn’t say anything and plan to go back into limited/no contact. I will continue to match her energy and efforts, while focusing and improving myself. Eventually, she will either come back or I will move on and find somebody else so I see distance as a win-win for us my dude. Stay strong!
My ex ended things almost two months ago. I did what everyone does and although I didn’t beg I hounded messages about what a nasty person they were. After getting no response I moved into no contact. I was on about day 25. (His birthday) and he emailed me saying “Why am I not getting any messages from you.” I said because you didn’t want to be with me so I left you alone like you wanted. His replies were nasty and it was very obvious he was trying to provoke a reaction from me. He didn’t get what he wanted and kept going on all day. 11am – 9pm. Eventually I said I wasn’t responding anymore and he sad, “Good I’m happier without you anyways.” He reached out again to ask a question which at first I was going to ignore but he wasn’t being rude so I replied. We were talking fine and then out of nowhere He quickly became cold and heartless again repeating he did not want me anyways. Not once have I said I wanted to get back with him. (I do) These messages he’s been sending. Are asking if I’ve moved on to someone else. I’ve told him no. Because I haven’t. It seems to me that he can’t just leave it on okay terms and we must leave it on bad, and had an argument. I’ve told him now, I will not be contacting him again, he said ok and now I plan to restart no contact. What is his problem. If he’s so over me and does not love or want me why does he behave like this. It’s like he doesn’t want me but no one else can have me either and he needs to check if I have a new boyfriend.
I would never take back an ex who started dating someone else, especially if she was the dumper.The very idea of doing so physicaily repulses me. The day she did that, all responses and contact from me would stop, forever. That´s the best advice for any man. Just move on and find someone else if you find yourself in that situation, unless you want to settle for the left overs of the guy she preferred over you.,
I really think you did a great job with this article. I’d say one of your best. You really seem like you know what you’re talking about. Very thorough and in depth. Keep up the great work!
Hi Nicole.
Thank you for your kind words. I’ll do my best. 💪
Zan
This is by far the best & most in depth article on hot and cold behavior I’ve read. I’ve been in the midst of it for quite some time and giving up and going full NC most of last year. I guess I like torture because I went back for more – lol – I’m a lot more balanced now sooo don’t get as ruffled during the cold phase as I used to be. I plan on getting my ex back and being my authentic self; the person she fell for in the beginning. I’ll keep this article as my guide though 😉
Thank you, Cecily.
Be the person you want to be and you’ll do fine whether you get your ex back or not.
Best,
Zan
Thank you Zan, I’m doing my best to do just that!
Hi Zan,
my girlfriend broke up with me 6 months ago and she said I swear u to your most beloved person that dont come to me and stay away I did that ,I got her a birthday gift and stick around picking up my stuff was a good excuse to give ti to her and I did ,she also kept reaching out to mutual friends that He (me ) doesn’t do his best to catch me again ,anyway once I invited for a coffee (a mistake) she refused and i said OK ! again I waited for new year I told her I would like to be with u she said OK and after 2 hours she said I can’t!!!! she said I tried a lot to get along with this break up and being with gives this hope to you for reunion that bothers me and I went angry I called her and told her you dont know what I have been through and explained every thing that u blocked me to reach out to u she started crying and said I will call you ,after while she called me back and said listen I truly love you I can’t find anyone better you in future but we are not cut out for each other !!!1 after 2 years !! and said if I was 20 % sure at the beginning of the break up now it has become 80 % that we are not cut out for each other ! I said that’s fine I hung up the phone i dont feel good ,the day after tomorrow she said I did not despise you sorry I talked behind your back to mutual friends ,I do love even if I marry I will not love him as much as you ,she said my hear is being torn apart because everyone can meet u except me !!!wish u all the best and i hope to see u after…!
I dont know what to do now!!!? should i be hopeful that she changes her mind? I really can’t reach out any more !plz guide me
Hi Zan,
I’m in a hot and cold situation with my ex. We met after 4 months after break up, I initiated as I was going through something personal. Things were getting on top of me and I reached out to talk, not to get back together, but purely for selfish reasons ( if I knew then what I know now, I would still reach out as it helped) I needed to talk to someone and sadly can’t talk to my family, they’re physically not in the same country and I don’t really have close enough friends to talk about personal things like that. Interestingly enough getting back together wasn’t on my mind in the slightest that day (although I do in general would want that)
I reached out in my weakest point and although I didn’t bring up the break up etc, he did.. being with him for few days really helped me but I realised it didn’t help in trying to get him back. He got hot and cold, I suppose it’s his way of letting me know where we stand in case I got confused.
I am confused though and was looking for answers online, listened to several videos and reading several articles until I came across yours.. I wanted to thank you for this article. It’s so smart and on point and exactly what I needed to read. Your very blunt and oh how on point picture of what an ex is thinking at that time gave me more clarity. I’m not over this just yet, but I emailed this article to myself and will be reading it every day for a reminder, so I can move on one way or another until I won’t have to anymore.
Thank you again, you have a difference for me. 🙂
Best wishes to you and all those that need to read this article.
Moi
Hi Zan,
my ex has been very hot and cold since the break up (2 months), always reaching out, wanting to meet although I had said I didn’t want to be friends in that situation. I was staying reasonably distant at the beginning but our communication was getting more familiar and emotional connection still very present. at a recent meet up (to his initiative) I asked to clarify the situation and just got cold, being told to move on…
I decided to go NC for good and focus on myself… why behaving giving me so much mixed signals ???
thanks for your great articles !
Mel
Thanks for the article! Found it at just the right time. My ex left me about a year ago. Since then we haven’t interacted much with each other, despite working in the same office. Recently we’ve begun hanging out again along with some co-workers.
Things were going well and I flirted with her a bit and she seemed receptive to it. But about a week about she started distancing herself from me and being cold. I’m guessing I probably came on a bit too strongly.
Do you have any advice on how to act in this situation? As per your advice, it seems like I would want to just mirror her behavior and let her have space again. It’s tough though being in the same work environment.
Hi Wade.
You have expectations of your ex.
So try not to act on instinct and demand more from her when she doesn’t want the same. Back off when you sense her distancing and turning cold and wait for her to open up again.
It’s a push and pull from here onwards.
Kind regards,
Zan
In your experience, what are the chances an ex will come back after displaying hot and cold behavior? I was in NC for awhile until we agreed to meet for the first time. She was texting “I miss you” and “Am I bothering you?” before I asked her to meet. The day of, I texted to confirm and she didn’t respond. I texted her the next day and told her, “You could’ve just said no. I don’t get you. One minute, you’re texting me I miss you and am I bothering you. The next, you don’t reply”. Did I ruin my chances?
Hi Kalle.
I know it seems difficult to handle hot and cold behavior, but don’t show signs of weakness to your ex. Don’t talk to her about not understanding her strange behavior and just let her do what she wants. If you mean anything to her, she will want to make plans herself. So all you have to do is let her take the initiative and follow her behavior. If she is hot, be equally hot. And if your ex is cold, step away. Rinse and repeat.
Kind regards,
Zan
Yes, I enjoyed it. Normally, I read all of your posts.
Zen, they are in-depth and cover all the important points of a subject
Thank you, Ariun.
I appreciate your compliment.
Kind regards,
Zan