Cut him off, he will miss you is the kind of straightforward advice dumpees often receive from their concerned friends and family. They convince themselves that if they stop communicating with their ex and act like they don’t care that their ex will realize their worth and come running back faster than a speeding bullet.
In reality, though, breakups aren’t that simple.
Although cutting people off is oftentimes necessary, it doesn’t always manifest the kind of results you’re hoping for. Not when the person you’re cutting off is an ex – a person who’s lost romantic feeling for you and doesn’t care if you’re around or not.
Your ex may prefer to keep talking to you and hanging out with you, but disappearing from your ex’s life alone won’t be enough for your ex to fall back in love with you. If your ex isn’t going through a difficult time at the moment, your ex isn’t open to being in a relationship with you and thinking about getting back with you.
Your ex is focusing on himself and needs lots of time to figure out what he wants and doesn’t want in life.
You see, a detached ex-partner who strings you along and sends you breadcrumbs usually doesn’t miss you for who you are. More often than not, he misses being in a relationship with someone who appreciates him and makes him want to fight for love.
That someone isn’t you at this moment because your ex doesn’t have to fight for your love. Your ex can get it very easily simply by messaging you. And the things your ex can get easily by messaging you he likely doesn’t appreciate.
You must understand that your ex has cut you off first. He’s made you crave his attention and affection and focused on his own wants and needs. That’s why cutting him off after being cut off won’t make him miss you instantaneously.
It could eventually when the time is right, but it will likely take a lot of time. I’m talking about months or years of time because that’s how long it takes dumpers to get through the stages of a breakup and become regretful.
If you respect yourself, you just don’t have that kind of time. You have to get yourself back now so you can move on and stop worrying about an ex who abandoned you and made you feel unworthy of love.
If your ex does miss you at some point in the future, know that it will happen when you:
- follow the indefinite no contact rule
- regain your lost power
- boost your self-esteem
- wait for something influential (difficult) to happen to your ex so your ex can reflect and think and feel differently about you
If you think that your ex will miss you just because you’ve cut him off, you likely don’t yet understand breakup dynamics. You still think that exes come back when you do something to increase your worth in their eyes when in reality, they come back when something happens to them and makes them perceive you differently.
I suggest that you give my book – Understanding Breakup Dynamics a try (link to Amazon) as it will guide you from the beginning of the breakup to the reconciliation and after.
Bear in mind that to miss you romantically, your ex has to undergo some kind of unpredictable and painful situation that would allow him to think about you in a positive light and crave your strength and independence. When that happens to your ex, he will likely respect you for cutting him off and want you to share your confidence and happiness with him.
So if you want to cut a guy off to make him miss you, keep reading. This is the article for you.
Cut him off, he will miss you
When you cut your ex off, you’ll immediately stop your ex from breadcrumbing you and confusing you. You won’t feel better right away, but you will set yourself up for success because you’ll force your ex to stay away from you and start making real emotional progress.
The kind of progress that’s possible only without your ex in your life.
Bear in mind that you don’t need to play mind games and ignore or block your ex when you cut him off. Playing dirty and treating your ex poorly won’t impress your ex and make him miss you. On the contrary, it will show you’re bitter and manipulative and tell your ex that he’s made the right decision to leave you.
You can cut your ex off simply by saying that you need time to process that breakup and that you’d appreciate it if he didn’t reach out anymore. If your ex says he wants to stay friends or gets angry, also say that you have nothing against him but that not hearing from him is important for your well-being and that you’ll message him when you’re ready to talk again.
Once your ex understands where you’re coming from and agrees to your request for silence, you must stay away from your ex for good. Don’t break the silence unless you really need to because that will show you lack strength and that you’re not sticking to your word.
So do your best to adhere to the rules of no contact and allow the power of no contact to work in your favor. If the breakup just happened, cutting your ex off will probably be difficult at first, but once you do it, every day should feel a tiny bit better.
The longer you go without speaking to your ex, the better you’ll feel and the less you’ll need your ex. That’s why you have to cut him off right away. Don’t waste precious post-breakup time because you could be using it to improve yourself and feel better.
I wish that cutting the dumper off wasn’t necessary, but it is. It’s the only thing that could make him miss you once he tries to live without you and gets hurt as a result.
You may feel that you could skip the wait by hurting your ex yourself, but if you do that, I can tell you right now that you can say goodbye to your ex forever. Causing the dumper pain won’t make him seek closure from you. Since he’s tired of you and the relationship, it will anger and annoy your ex and make him stay away from you for a very, very time.
Maybe forever.
This means you must avoid:
- playing jealousy games
- spreading rumors about your ex
- annoying your ex
- getting angry with your ex
- getting revenge on your ex
- telling him he has hurt you badly (guilt-tripping)
Cutting him off after the breakup is necessary for you and your ex. It’s the first and most essential step when it comes to preserving your worth and letting your ex enjoy space and relief.
If you don’t cut him off, chances are he won’t miss you enough even if he gets dumped by someone else and gets hurt. He will instead just use you for comfort and support and move on to someone else.
Dumpers often use their exes for emotional support. They consider them to be friends, so they confide in them, give them hope, and then fail to reach their exes’ expectations and hurt them.
Cut him off so that he will miss you
Cutting him off will prevent his ego from inflating and make him face life issues on his own. It will show him that he no longer has your support and that if he doesn’t find reliable people and develop a strong coping mechanism that he could get hurt very badly.
What makes no contact so effective is that it leaves dumpers completely alone. It lets them handle everything on their own and forces them to deal with all sorts of issues. If they can handle their issues, stressors, responsibilities, and a temporary loss of happiness and self-esteem, they usually don’t return. They don’t have a reason to because they don’t need help with anything.
But if they aren’t used to being on their own and not having support, then cutting them off can make them miss everything you did for them and force them to return for an easier, more loving experience.
So don’t waste your time talking to your ex and being your ex’s friend. All friendship will do is show that you’re prepared to settle for anything – even if it’s something you don’t want.
By following a strong regimen of no contact, you can slowly regain the post-breakup power you lost when your ex broke up with you and help your ex see your value as his partner.
This, of course, won’t happen overnight as no contact takes time to work. But you will nonetheless soon feel better and realize that your ex will miss you only if you stop being available to him and live independently.
Here are a few reasons why your ex can’t miss you right away even if you cut him off.
The time it takes for an ex-partner to miss you strictly depends on how your ex is doing emotionally. If the breakup is fresh and he couldn’t wait to get some space from you, cutting him off, of course, won’t instantly make him want to talk to you. It will take some time for no contact to work because something external will have to influence your ex first.
Something out of your ex’s control that could make him remember you and crave what you have.
This could be a loss of a job, failing his exams, poor mental health, or anything that affects his self-esteem and makes him feel sorry for himself.
You have to understand that when dumpers are in pain, they selfishly and indirectly seek a confidence boost from their heartbroken dumpees so that they can feel better about themselves. They want their exes to validate and support them and be with them because if their exes accept them, they can have an easier time accepting themselves and their mistakes.
It’s selfish, but just how dumpers leave for themselves, they also come back for themselves. They return because they’re out of options and feel a strong desire to reconnect and be at peace with themselves.
Cut him off to protect yourself!
If your ex wants to remain friends with you and inadvertently keep hurting you, you need to cut him off immediately and completely.
Your emotional health and well-being depend on it and always come first. It doesn’t matter how many years you’d been with your ex. If he doesn’t know or care that he’s hurting you, you need to know that he is and do something about it. You need to stop him from distracting you and confusing you by taking the initiative to cut him off.
The sooner you sever the friendship (or whatever you call your relationship with him), the sooner you’ll recover emotionally.
So make sure not to keep your ex around just because you’re hoping for a second chance. You’re better off “waiting” for your ex to have an epiphany in no contact because that way you won’t just wait. You’ll also do the things you need to do and move toward making a full recovery.
While you’re focusing on yourself in no contact, keep in mind that your ex could eventually run into various problems and remember that you used to be his support. That’s when he could become anxious and desperate for your recognition.
But until your ex contacts you and wants you back, don’t reason with your ex. As a matter of fact, don’t even engage in conversation and ask for favors. Don’t do anything that shows him you want him, need him, care about him, and depend on him for happiness and self-love.
You’ve got to focus on healing.
Here’s why you should cut him off after the breakup.
The post-breakup time is crucial for your recovery and self-discovery. It’s meant for you to figure out what went wrong and how you can avoid similar situations in the future. So focus on yourself and try to become the best version of yourself. You never know, you might even attract better people into your life.
No one says you have to get your ex back and be with that person until the end of time. He may have been a decent partner while he was with you, but now that he’s not with you, he’s of very little (if any) use to you. While you’re hurting, he’s a hindrance and not worth wasting your time on.
Cut him off completely! No exceptions
Now that you’re not in a relationship with your ex, you’re no longer your ex’s go-to person. You no longer need to take care of him and be there for him.
Your ex doesn’t deserve your services no matter how great a person he was while he was with you. He chose to separate from you, after all, so he’s on his own now.
Your assistance as a romantic partner has come to an end the second he broke up with you and let you go. So collect the remnants of your self-esteem and protect yourself from getting hurt. You can do this by cutting him off and focusing on people and friends that matter to you.
You can start by cutting off your ex’s emotional support on Facebook, Instagram, and then finally in person. Once you’ve done it, stick to it indefinitely as there’s no going back on your decision.
And if for some reason you go back on your word, know that you won’t appear very determined and confident. You’ll look fickle and expose your weaknesses. Although no contact can work the second time, you don’t want to gamble with your health and healing. You want to avoid emotional setbacks and get things done properly on your first try.
Will he miss me if I cut him off?
There’s no better way to make him miss you than to cut him off. And the reason for that is very simple. As long as you’re near someone who doesn’t value you, he won’t learn to appreciate what he has. He’ll do that only when you stop providing him with free relationship benefits and emotions of safety.
He could eventually miss you when he realizes that you’re no longer available and willing to stay in his life. But, unfortunately, this won’t happen overnight. It will take quite some time for him to reminisce over you and remember your good points.
The best way for your ex to miss you is for him to start dating someone else and compare that person to you. And if he discerns that you’d made him happier, then your ex could miss you and come back very quickly.
Whether he misses you depends on:
- what you were like in the relationship
- what you were like after the relationship has ended
- and what his life was like before the relationship and what it will be like after
Cut him offâhe will miss you they say
This saying applies to couples who take you for granted and not so much to exes. Exes tend not to miss you (not right away at least) because they’re not in love with you. They’re detached, so they don’t get affected in ways that you want them to get affected.
Cutting them off tends to make them feel extremely good as they get to breathe and live the way they’d been meaning to live. It’s only until much later that they encounter issues, become nostalgic, and start wondering if they’ve made the right decision.
But if you’re contemplating cutting off your partner (boyfriend not ex-boyfriend), bear in mind that this could hurt him badly. It could hurt his self-esteem and make him feel extremely rejected and unwanted. But on the other hand, if your partner is mistreating you and doesn’t listen to you, it could be the only thing that makes him respect you and work on himself.
Breakups are usually so painful that they force dumpees to develop themselves whether they like it or not. Pain forces them to reflect and change behaviors that need changing the most.
Cutting off your partner may be easy for you, but it definitely won’t be easy or pleasant for your partner. The picture below will explain why.
If you’re thinking of cutting off your partner, know that if your partner loves you, you’re definitely going to cause a lot of painâwhich he could mistake for missing you.
The dumpee’s syndrome (the anguish from the breakup) will make your partner miss you like crazy. It will likely cause so much anxiety that he becomes obsessed with you and craves your affection for months to come
How much a person misses the dumper really depends on how dependent he is on him or her. If he’s very insecure and emotionally, financially, and perhaps even physically codependent, he will most likely miss the dumper a lot. Most dependent people do.
So remember that when you suddenly cut a guy off that he could miss you so much that he forgets his worth and chases after you.
He might initially do various self-degrading deeds such as begging and pleading and maybe even resort to jealousy games. It depends on how mature or conversely, how anxious and desperate he is for your recognition.
As a dumper, you can make most dumpees miss you as long as they care about you. It’s not very hard because people get attached. But if they aren’t attached and don’t care much about you, then you’ll only be doing them a favor.
How to cut him off the right way?
The best way to cut your partner off is to pick the right time and place to do it. Make sure that he isn’t going through something stressful already because that would be inconsiderate. Once you’ve chosen a good time, it’s time to deliver the bad news.
Be empathetic about it, but also direct so he doesn’t get false hope and think you’re just taking a breakup and coming back. Your boyfriend might cry and try to change your mind, but whatever you do, don’t go back on your word just because you feel bad for him. If you feel bad and give in, you’ll only delay the breakup as well as his suffering.
So break up with him, thank him for his time and patience, and give him closure if he needs it. It’s the least he deserves for staying loyal to you until the end.
And that’s it. You don’t need to stick around and comfort him all day long. But do try your best to prioritize his needs over yours as he’s going to go through a much more unpleasant experience than you.
You might not like him reaching out in the future, but try to understand that he’s in pain and needs sympathy rather than criticism and impatience.
So treat your ex and others fairly and good karma will come back to you.
Are you trying to cut someone off and make him miss you? How do you plan on doing that? Leave your comment below the article.
And if you’re interested in breakup coaching, visit our coaching page for more information.
Hi Zan,
My husband of 8 years left me on Saturday. We had a good marriage initially, but it deteriorated in the last 4 years. We had a lot of big discussions about what went wrong because he would hold it all in, until he couldnt and everything came out – what was wrong, his resentments, what i had done wrong. After the last big bang, he decided to leave, but he saw my distress and agreed to make one last big push at making us work. We started doing things together 2-3 times a week (date nights, walks, movies, talking) and for 5 weeks he wasnt sure which was the right decision. In the meantime I was falling back in love with him, appreciating his company and enjoying it.
He ended it in a way i disagreed with, came home and told me, and left within an hour. We have since talked and I understand he thought he was doing the best thing for me to finally understand we had not been happy for at least 2 years, and that it was time to walk away. We agreed to disagree on whether that was the best method. We have been talking and i have made a lot more peace with the situation and genuinely see a possible friendship. I keep having panic attacks and I called him once, he was able to talk me down. My friends say i need to stop doing that in time, but to keep doing it as long as i feel comfortable.
He is genuinely very caring and still loves me as a person, wants to support me through the shock of this process. How long should i keep using him as a support? Is it healthy in the short term? Best chances of being good friends after?
Hi Ana.
It’s hard to say how long you should rely on him for support because every person takes the breakup differently. But I think you should call him only when you’re having panic attacks. Once you stop having them, cut contact for good and get yourself back. In the meantime, don’t worry about friendship. Wait until you’re fully healed and no longer need him back. If he doesn’t resent you and his new girlfriend is okay with him being friends with exes, you might be able to stay friends. But you might not want that once your feelings change.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan
Amazing site. I am struggling with how to proceed. My ex broke up with me 6 weeks ago after a painful 7 month separation and a 12 year tumultuous relationship. He actually relocated to another country where he has a house and just never came back. It was brutal as I had lost my mom 6 months earlier and was grieving. Now he is stuck there bc he refuses to be vaccinated but thatâs another story. It was extremely difficult for me to cut him off bc we do love each other, but I went no contact even though he wants to be friends.
Three weeks after our break up his father died and he called me right away crying and asking me to come to him. I was tempted but declined. He called me a few times and I was compassionate as I k ow the pain he is experiencing. He was highly emotional and immediately said how much he loves and misses me and doesnt want to lose me (??) and generally confusing me without ever saying he wants to get back together. But after a few calls I told him we couldnât keep talking as it was too hard for me and he has been respectful of my wishes. While he was loving and talked about wanting to be with me there is no change in his actions. And he says he doesnât know how to forgive me for hurting him during our relationship.
I know he is isolated and suffering and it really is making me doubt cutting him off. Even though he has hurt me I donât want to be cruel as I am his main support. Is this the purpose of cutting someone off – to let them fully experience the consequences of the losing me? Iâm tempted to check in and be an emotional support for him, partly bc I have empathy and partly Iâm sure to reconnect for my own hearts needs.
Am I doing the right thing by sticking to no contact during a time of intense grieving or is this an exception? Would maintaining connection by playing online games without talking be detrimental? (It makes him feel less lonely) I want to respect myself without being unnecessarily hurtful. My tendency is to ignore my own needs Iâd appreciate your insight.
Hi Mac.
You need to look after yourself now. He’s not helping you move on, so don’t offer to help him either. Whether you love him or not, stay away from him and he might just realize how important you are to him. You’re definitely doing the right thing by staying in no contact. You can play online games if you want, just don’t interact with him. Live your own life and let him handle his own issues.
I know that you want to help him but that’s because you want to be close to him and show him you care. I suggest that you remain in no contact until you’re over him. That’s when you can be friends (if that’s what you want) and be supportive to each other.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Thank you for all the articles you provided, they’re very helpful. đ
I want to ask you a question. Well my ex and i broke up 6 months ago from also a 6 month relationship. Actually it all has been pretty good for the first 5 months. But we eventually drift apart because lack of communication. Then he became really stressful because of his job and he was working on his thesis because he’s still in college. After we broke up, I immediately went to no contact. Then after a month, he reached out by replying to my Instagram stories. A week after that he didn’t reply again. It went for 2 months of no contact again. Then out of the blue he reached again using the same method. It made me think “does he want to get back together?”.
But i can’t really tell, sometimes he just reply to my story then i reply back but then he will just tap like to my reply and that’s it. Untill i came across your article about breadcrumbing. So i told him to stop replying to my story because it hurts me a lot and keep reminding me about the past.
Well, he agreed. He said “no problem :)”. But now i kinda wonder if i made the right decision. What if he might want to get back together and take it slow? đ
Should ask him about his intentions? Or should i just wait again for him to come back?
Hi Stela.
You did the right thing as exes almost never come back slowly. They come back fast because they’re afraid and hurt. If he messages you, you should keep telling him you need space. Don’t ask him about his intentions.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thanks for your reply Zan đ
I came across another article of yours titled “Reconnecting With An Ex Can Take Years”. It said that some dumpers really taking their time to eventually get back together with the dumpee, so the dumpee really need to be patient. Because some dumpee might thought that the dumper would friendzoned them. So i was wondering is it apply to my situation? Did i really not patient enough?
Hi Stela.
I’m not sure how you behaved in the relationship with your ex, but leaving your ex alone is the best thing you can do right now. It’s best for your ex as well as your health.
You need to be patient, but not so patient that you stay in touch with him and allow him to friend zone you. You need to respect yourself, Stela.
Best regards,
Zan
I blocked my dumper and am glad that I did.
I didnt have anything that belonged to him and there was no other important reason to leave the lines of communication open. When a person breaks up with you, they are relinquishing access to your time and attention, and they should no longer expect to be a priority in your life.
When you leave someone you have to be willing to live with the consequences so it’s best to really think things through before making that move.
Funny thing is that I learned that they were upset that they were blocked. Doesn’t make sense to me since they wanted to make their exit.
Hi Cin.
I’m glad that blocking your ex has helped you heal. As for your ex getting upset about it, it’s in human nature to feel disrespected when someone tries to push us away. Don’t worry about it. Your ex will get over it and you’ll get over your ex.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey there! My ex and i have been in a relationship for about a year but unfortunately separated almost 10 months ago. We loved, cared for and adored each other so much but as the months passed incompatibility grew due to unnecessary arguments which lead to our separation. I was the one who initiated the breakup because I felt like he was forced to stay with me in order to not hurt me, if that makes sense? Which in the end i turned out to be correct. It’s really saddening because him and i had such a lovely relationship that could’ve worked out really well if we had communicated better. After the breakup I went into no contact for almost 8 months that’s until he texted me, checking in on me and whatnot. We’ve been talking for a month or so, including flirts and jokes, and everything was going pretty well but I’ve started to notice how distant and cold he became. I ignored him for a couple of days in hopes for him to notice but he didn’t seem to care much about it, I then realized that I was receiving breadcrumbs from him. So one day I decided to confront him about this and we were talking things through. He confessed that he has no feelings for me and was just flirting and complimenting me and such just because he is used to it apparently. I didn’t believe it though as it didn’t make sense at all. He wanted to remain platonic friends in the meantime until he was ready to start another page with me. In the end I decided to cut off all ties with him, wrote him a paragraph explaining how wrong it is for us to “just remain friends”, told him to NOT contact me again and wished him a nice day, and unfortunately he ignored me. I removed him from all of my social media platforms and ended things for good. I still do want him because i see him as the suitable partner for me, he can make a GREAT partner, and i STILL care for him deeply but i feel like my case is currently hopeless. If there is any sort of way to make him miss me, i would like to know đ
Thank you,
Flen.
Hi Flen.
You did the right thing. Since your ex lost feelings for you and flirted/messaged you just for old times’ sake, telling him not to message you anymore was all you could do. You actually needed to push him away to keep your worth and sanity and your ex from breadcrumbing you. This is because he needed to know that friendship isn’t possible right now and that he’s either in or out.
Now you have to make sure to stick with your decision. Don’t reach out anymore, thinking he’ll warm up to you. The truth is that he won’t as long as he has an exhausted mentality and thinks of you as just a friend. Something influential has to happen to him first before he can redevelop feelings for you. There’s nothing you can do to make him miss you at the moment. Just live your life with purpose. That’s it.
Best regards,
Zan
First of all, congrats on your blog, Iâm currently going through a break up and all the posts are so helpful and make me feel a tad less alone!
My partner and I broke up a couple of days ago after a 2 year relationship which was filled with love, fun and laughter. Unfortunately covid took a toll on us and We were completely off balance: him working too much and under constant stress, me not at all (and not through lack of trying, I even helped him with his business). after a little argument, he decided the end things as his mind was too clouded, he is not in a good mental state and said he couldnât offer me happiness if he wasnât happy with himself. It all ended very spontaneously considering we made plans for the weekend, excited about Xmas with each other families etc. and it was a very emotional break up from both sides as we both still love each other.
Right now weâve gone no contact, not because we agreed to but because neither of us have initiated a conversation or text, and I was wondering if no contact also worked when the other person wasnât trying to contact you in the first place? Itâs very hard and upsetting for me but i know itâs the right thing to do right now and everyone that knows us says itâs not final however I donât want to get my hopes up. So I was just wondering if you think no contact is an effective form to get someone to miss you, even if that person isnât leaving breadcrumbs?
Many thanks and keep up the great posts!
In cutting him off can I unsave his num and prevent him from seeing my pictures?
Should I block him on every social media even though we aren’t enemies?
Will it make him miss me?
Hello, if my (still-husband-but-separated) is going through a really rough time in work, and I used to give him all support contacts me and needs support, isnt it a bitch move to not help him? the last thing i want is for him to run to someone who will provide what im refusing. Also, i genuinely care and want him to do his best in his job. It makes sense that this attitude while not being needy should think more positively about me. I’d be happy for your opinion on this
Hi I would say that he is using you for your compassion and support. Heâs really dumping on you and if you are concerned about him running to someone else, well he probably is but not about his problems. He will bring the unsexy to you and keep the sexy, I got all my shit in order for her or them.
Hello! great article.
Me and my ex broke it off 5 months ago after almost 3 years now. I really loved him and was looking to have a future with him but then he broke it off and left me devastated. I had to take anti-anxiety pills, started smoking and ended up over drinking most nights out. The relationship in my opinion was amazing. We travelled a lot together, barely ever fought and were building a home together. He broke it off because of an argument we had and kept on lingering on certain silly fights we had in the past. He also said he wanted to experience stuff he wanted to do for a while (like stuff to do with his friends etc, which I presume also meant having other sexual experiences).
After the break up I tried so hard to keep contact with him and get him back and he was very confused. Then he decided we give it another shot but only lasted a week and he decided he only wanted friendship. However, we used to meet up every say 2 weeks to 1 month and always ended up kissing and cuddling, then as soon as we got home, he turns really cold. Whenever I ask to meet up, he would either decline or say yes and then cancel last minute. Then he would ask me to meet up and when we actually do it would be great again. I tried talking to him about it and always says “i dont know” whenever I hint I wish we’d go back together. We tried no contact, first by me and then by him and it lasted 2 weeks in both cases.
I don’t know if I should continue heading straight on in this mess so that maybe we would end up together, or tell him I want an indefinite no contact which I’m not sure I’m ready to do.
đ please advise
Thanks!
Hi this is so sad and we all get caught up in these one sided relationships where you are in the relationship and he is not. Go back and read what you wrote everything is based on what he wants to do. You have no control or backbone you are allowing him to make the decisions and use you emotionally. Get out of this and cut him off. He is throwing you breadcrumbs and you are eating it as if itâs a full course meal. The both of you will never be in a relationship because he sees you as desperate but you see yourself as in love. Keep it real get rid of him and never let him contact you again.
Hi Zan,
thanks so much for this post. I am currently struggling very much with a break up and have a question regarding “closure”.
3 months ago my partner of 10 years broke up with me. He revealed to me that he had been cheating on me for 4 months and then left me for the other woman.
We had a fairly short conversation that evening. I was so shocked that I could not think clearly and was just able to ask a few questions (What does she have that I don’t? What were you missing in our relationship? What did I not give you? etc.) before he left.
He said he had everything he needed, but the pull of the new excited him and he fell in love with the other woman who is just a different person from me. Those were the only reasons he gave for the break up.
He also said he wasn’t sure if what he has with her is even enough for a long term relationship and if he wasn’t making a big mistake and that it had taken him all those months to come to his break up decision.
We talked shortly on the phone the next day (I was only able to again ask a few superficial questions due to the shock). He texted me the next day, said he was sorry to cause me hurt, that I am still a great woman in his eyes and that I should not doubt myself. He asked wether he should still contact me or whether I wanted to be left alone. I thought about it for a day and answered that it would be better for me to not have any contact for the time being and since then there was no contact at all.
It’s 3 months later now. I am deeply depressed, barely able to function and still confused. I now wonder if it would have been better to talk things through with him before no contact to find closure as I have so many unanswered questions.
Any thoughts?
Thanks so much for your help and the great work you do here. I found some degree of solace from your writing.
Di
Hi Di,
I really relate to your situation — my fiance of several years cheated on me, lied about it, then dumped me nine months ago. Let me say it absolutely gets better. I remember the three month mark, and it was rough. All I wanted was information to make sense of everything, but looking back there is truly no amount of information that would have helped — you know everything you need to know, and the details are just going to hurt you. The failing is in his character, not in you or your relationship.
The thing I found the most helpful in getting me through the worst of it was finding a project and immersing myself to an insane degree in it. Having something to research that is completely unrelated to relationships is crucial. For me it was planning and putting in a perennial bed. At first, you feel like you are just going through the motions, but over time your self esteem will grow as you see the progress you are making. Also, treat yourself gently, like you would a friend going through a trauma. Allow yourself to heal at your own rate, eat healthy food, take plenty of baths. Figure out who you are and who you want to be — now is a great time to redefine yourself away from the influences of a relationship. While it sounds cheesy, daily gratitude journaling also helps tremendously.
Above all, know that you are not alone and this will pass. I honestly didn’t think the horrific levels of pain would ever go away, but nine months after everything went down, I can truly say I am 99% healed, and feeling like a stronger and better person for having gone through it. No contact is truly the best thing for your healing, even if it feels excruciating in the short-term. As an aside, after six months of not hearing from him, my ex just texted me that he misses me and is lost without me. He got the response he was entitled to, which was none.
You sound awesome. Hang in there.
Jen
Dear Jen,
thank you so so much for your kind and encouraging words. You have no idea how valuable they are to me right now!
You are probably right when you say that I know everything I need to. Even if I were to talk to him (which I won’t) he would probably not give me any information that would take away the pain. It might even cause me more pain.
It is a good idea to immerse oneself in a project to engage the bain in something else. Although I feel quite paralysed at the moment I will take your suggestion to heart.
Thanks so much for your support! I am glad that you are doing well after your own breakup experience. I hope I will get there soon, too!
Lots of love
Di
Hi Dianna.
I know you may have a lot of questions, but in all honesty, you don’t need to know the answers. They would only reopen your wound and keep you hooked on your ex for many more months.
It was the right choice to stay in no contact and keep healing. This way, you can eventually regain your self-esteem and regain your strength.
Best of luck, Diana. You can do this!
Zan
Hi Zan,
thanks for your answer. I hope you are right.
And thanks for this blog! What you write here really helped me immensely. Your honesty about these topics is what is needed: No false, hope inducing promises or unrealistic advice, but the truth.
Cheers
Di
Hi Diana.
I’m glad you like my honest advice.
The faster you accept your situation, the quicker you will heal.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Di, I do telate to your situation and emotions you are going trough right now.It happened to me several times, not.once.And it happened mistly on bad way. I kept asking myself what is wrong with me , attrating that kind if persons on me.And figured put kind a co dependency, liw self esteem and immense vulnerability that made me a n easy target wven for those who wouldnot act this way when dealing with stronger peronality with boundaries and self confidence.Trough the process of healing, wich isnot complete yet, I be learbed to respect and live myself first.That means not egoistic love, but to learn what I teally want, What I ve become etc.It isnot easy becouse I still have expectation and the physical attraction must be there at the beginning of something that might griw into a telationship.But be aware, even then wheninvesteda lot and was not the failure on my side, things turned badly for me.Becouse life ist not always fair.But I ve learned to get up on my feet,and to evaluaye myself.In fact, the dumpers at the end did not deserve me and that us fact.The sadest consequence that my come for me soon ist, that I will notbe prepated to open and to invest into spmething even qhen the very right person will appear.Why?Becouse I do feel comfortable by myself rounded with circle of friends and am old and mature enough not to get hurt again and again and again.Becouse notbeing iny late thirties any more.The time is off.What I do prefer in the last chapther if my life is calm, nice and supporting surrounding that will help me carry on and deal with my health isdues and supportong me to explore the other side of life, being connected with positive vibes around. Have a great day.