When Does An Ex Start To Miss You?

Your ex starts to miss you when you stop missing your ex. It’s just the way breakups work because dumpers don’t process separation the way dumpees do.

To them, a breakup is just a physical split whereas to dumpees, it’s also emotional.

And that’s because dumpers take their time to slowly cut through their emotional bond during the relationship with their ex.

They tend to detach from their ex without their partner’s awareness.

Unless their relationship hasn’t been making them happy for months or years, of course.

Whatever the case may be, dumpers don’t experience pain and anxiety the way dumpees do.

The only thing they often feel worried about is their own breakup and post-breakup behavior.

This includes cheating, monkey-branching, and even feeling guilty for breaking their ex-partner’s heart.

Dumpees, on the other hand, go through the most gut-wrenching experience of their life.

They first suffer from separation anxiety which takes weeks to recover from, followed by a few months of shattered confidence and self-esteem.

And when they finally get back on their feet and heal from the shock of the breakup, they usually require another half a year or so to fully digest their ex-partner’s abandonment and prioritize their well-being.

It’s truly unfortunate that dumpers get to walk away from a relationship without knowing what it feels like to get rejected.

But that’s just the way attachment works in relationships. Those who care get hurt and those who don’t—don’t.

We can talk about injustice after the breakup all day long, but it really won’t solve anything.

It might only temporarily make you feel better, knowing that your ex isn’t improving as a person.

But other than that, you may want to move on from your ex’s lack of love and seek it elsewhere.

It’s the mature thing to do.

Today, we’ll answer the question, “When does an ex start to miss you?”

When does an ex start to miss you

When does an ex start to miss you?

It rarely occurs than an ex starts to miss you right after the breakup. The dumper is just too busy minding his or her own business and chasing after external happiness to genuinely miss you.

He or she could, of course, miss the good memories and the things you’ve accomplished in the relationship as a couple, but your ex just won’t miss you as a person.

If your ex loved you or missed you, your ex wouldn’t have asked for space and distance in the first place.

He or she would instead continue to give you love and assurance—and expect to get the same in return.

It’s the way things, such as love, care, and respect work in life. You give and you get.

It’s that simple.

But since your ex isn’t giving you anything, it’s safe to state that your ex doesn’t miss you or miss you enough.

Your ex has different plans that, unfortunately, don’t include you. They are selfish plans that have everything to do with your ex and nothing with you.

So always make sure that you look at your ex’s actions and not his or her words—as actions will be the messages that convey whether your ex misses you, hates you, or just doesn’t care about you.

All you have to do is read them objectively.

If you’re having trouble deciphering whether your ex misses you, ask the readers on this website for an honest opinion.

They don’t know you, so they will be able to tell you if your ex’s actions or inactions mean anything or if your ex is just looking after himself/herself.

Here are the times when your ex misses you.

The times when an ex misses you

Why does an ex have to suffer to miss you?

Prior to leaving you, your ex kept thinking about you in a negative way for so long that your ex surrounded himself or herself in a field of negative energy.

This energy essentially consisted of two factors:

  1. Poor thinking patterns.
  2. Emotions empowered by poor thinking patterns.

Since your ex’s perception of you didn’t improve when your ex wanted it to—but got worse instead, your ex’s negative energy kept getting bigger and bigger.

And when it got to the point where your ex could no longer control it, your ex let negativity engulf your ex.

Your ex allowed himself or herself to get consumed by the self-created negativity caused by poor thinking patterns and broke up with you.

In your ex’s mind, he or she had been trying to overcome his or her negative feelings for weeks, maybe even months, but things weren’t changing.

Maybe your ex told you about it or maybe your ex didn’t.

It doesn’t matter anymore because your ex is finally at peace and there’s not a word or action in this world that could save you from the demise of your relationship.

All you can do is to accept it as there’s just too much negativity blocking you from getting close to your ex to reason with him or her.

That’s why you must resort to plan B and let people and circumstances out of your control to get through your ex’s negative barrier and influence your ex’s decision.

Sadly, the only thing powerful enough to get through your ex’s defenses is energy stronger than the one your ex had created to keep you at bay.

It basically takes a horrible experience for your ex to:

  • drop his or her ego
  • get hurt
  • see things differently
  • process GIGS and get a reality check
  • get a taste of his/her own medicine (get dumped)

So if you’re still wondering, “When does an ex start to miss you,” wait for something bad to happen to your ex.

Only then will your ex’s negative energy barrier face an opponent strong enough to break it.

What to say when an ex misses you?

When an ex says that he or she misses you, whatever you do, don’t lose your self-control and profess your undying love.

Don’t do it no matter how much you miss your ex and how badly you want him or her to come back.

The truth is that your ex doesn’t deserve your reciprocation as any kind of empowerment will only suffocate your ex and provide him or her with an ego boost.

It will give your ex the moral support your ex needs to continue moving on without you and dating other people.

So instead of telling your ex, “I miss you too,” ask your ex what made him or her miss you?

If your ex is honest and is having doubts about leaving you, your ex will tell you that something’s happened to him or her.

This could be anything from immense guilt (if the breakup just occurred) to getting dumped by another person.

It honestly doesn’t matter what happened to your ex because an honest person will tell you the truth.

And if your ex doesn’t tell you, your ex will probably just say that he or she’s been thinking about you recently.

By withholding vital information from you, your ex will essentially refuse to give you the truth that you ask for and show you how much he or she values you.

That’s why it’s your job not to discern what happened to your ex, but rather to discern what your ex wants from you.

If it’s empowerment that you can provide to your ex, it’s best that you don’t give it to your ex.

And if your ex wants you back, then take back the power you lost on the day of the breakup and create new relationship boundaries.

Show your ex that you’re in charge and that he or she needs to learn to respect you.

Dumpers who miss their exes

Sometimes dumpers genuinely care about their dumpees. But this is very, very rare.

As a person who studies dumpers’ behavior, I very seldom come across caring dumpers who are so emotionally mature that they sympathize with their dumpees and offer them support.

As a matter of fact, it almost never happens.

If I had to put a percentage it, I’d say that 5% of dumpers show that they care about their struggling dumpee. And that’s only if I’m being generous.

The truth is that as great and caring as people can be, they oftentimes aren’t very patient when it comes to their past relationships.

They tend to have the victim’s mentality and react emotionally to smothering emotions.

Perhaps it’s got something to do with their upbringing. I can’t say for sure.

But I do know that most dumpers who make mature decisions are over the age of 40.

Of course, 40 is just a number, but dumpers at that age seem mature enough to put themselves in their ex’s shoes.

Such dumpers are usually empathetic people who have suffered heartbreak before and know what it’s like to get rejected.

They know how it feels when a person you love kicks you to the curb to fend for yourself—so they strive to be better than their heartless exes.

In other words, they have personal experience, knowledge, and self-control to do the right thing.

There are also some dumpers who are depressed, unhappy with their current situation in life, or those who are forced to break up because of parents.

Such people, of course, aren’t very happy to leave their partner behind.

They just feel that they have no choice but to seek happiness on their own or with someone else.

But the kind of attitude dumpers exhibit to their dumpee after the breakup really depends on how much stress and anxiety they associate with the dumpee.

If it’s a lot, they oftentimes start hating their dumpee even if they broke up for reasons outside of their control.

And if they don’t hate their dumpee and appreciate his or her personality traits, then they sometimes miss the dumpee and breadcrumb him or her for months.

Sometimes even years.

Why is my ex telling me that he/she misses me?

Dumpers who tell their exes that they miss them and disappear shortly after usually do this for a few reasons:

  1. To relieve their guilt.
  2. To use their ex for validation.
  3. And to string their ex along.

But if you’re also wondering, “When does an ex start to miss you after the breakup” the answer is “when your ex wants you back.

When something goes wrong on your ex’s end and when your ex becomes nostalgic about your positive characteristics is when your ex starts to miss you.

And not a second before.

If your ex is with someone else and says that he or she misses you, your ex doesn’t really miss you.

Your ex misses the role you played in the relationship and the benefits you provided to your ex.

Furthermore, if your ex says that he doesn’t know what he’s doing and that he loves you, he doesn’t actually love you.

What your ex loves is his guilt-free pre-breakup state that felt a lot calmer than the mess he put himself in.

So once again, pay close attention to your ex’s actions and forget about your ex’s words.

Just like ideas, words don’t mean anything if actions don’t follow.

Your ex doesn’t miss you as long as your ex is an ex!

I know this may sound strange, but dumpers usually don’t want anything to do with their dumpees.

They’re too busy enjoying their lives without their ex to miss the dumpee.

It sucks, but most people just don’t care much about their previous romantic partners.

Of course, some are great friends even years after the breakup, but most of them tend to be either in love or at war.

The same goes for your ex.

If your ex shows no sign of romantic interest in you, your ex is over you completely.

Your ex has no remaining romantic feelings anymore because your ex had lost the will to fight for you and made a conscious decision to leave you behind.

All that’s left (provided your ex is self-aware, mature—and you didn’t beg and plead) is respect.

But even respect can dissipate into thin air if you don’t leave your ex alone to process the breakup at his or her rate.

When your ex misses you, you will hear from your ex

It’s no secret that dumpers’ breadcrumbing has a purpose — to extort some kind of information from the dumpee.

This information aims to give them strength, assurance, and validation—so be very careful when your ex appears out of nowhere and apologizes/misses you.

Be very careful not to interpret your ex’s outreach as your ex missing your personality, but rather as your ex missing the parts of you that can benefit his or her emotional weaknesses.

You will know this is the case when your ex reaches the nostalgia stage of a break-up for the dumper and shows you genuine signs of regret.

But if your ex doesn’t want you back and is merely breadcrumbing you, your ex will likely apologize for:

  • cheating on you
  • ignoring you or not speaking to you
  • spreading rumors
  • the way your ex broke up with you and treated you after the breakup

Please keep in mind that when an ex starts to miss you, he or she will attempt to crawl back into your life.

Your ex will show you genuine signs of concern and care.

So pay close attention to your ex’s actions to determine whether your ex came back just to take from you or if your ex wants you back for you.

What to text your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend when you miss him/her

As the dumpee, you should never text your ex and tell him that you miss him.

You shouldn’t leave voicemails or post vague quotes and images on Facebook either.

Since your ex is not in a relationship with you, your ex doesn’t want to know that you miss him.

He just wants to move on and leave everything behind. It’s what the separation is all about.

If you’re the dumper, however, and you “miss your ex,” then you shouldn’t text your ex either.

Messaging your ex just to tell him you miss him won’t validate your ex. It will reopen his breakup wound and make him analyze your message to infinity and beyond.

So keep your thoughts and emotions to yourself and let your ex heal as he’s probably in no contact right now, recovering from the damage you’ve caused.

Keep in mind that the only time when you should message or call your ex is when you regret breaking up with him and want him back

Did you enjoy reading this article? Did it answer the question, “When does an ex start to miss you? If it did and you want to share your opinion, leave a comment under this post.

28 thoughts on “When Does An Ex Start To Miss You?”

  1. My Ex broke up with me just over a month ago, we were together for 2 years and the relationship was amazing, we were so good together but after spending a month alone due to this stupid COVID 19 I spent 4 days with her, she had sex with me on the morning of the 4th day and by the afternoon she broke up with me, said she didn’t feel the same? haven’t really spoken to her and have been in no contact for about a month, I did however have to ask for my ID card but didn’t bring up the break up or try small talk just asked for her to send me ID card to mine as a new one costs £50 she replied with “it’s not at mine sorry” I said well if u find it please send it to me, cheers” and that was it, so I don’t consider that as breaking no contact as it was necessary, for the past 3-4 weeks she has hardly spent anytime at home, she can’t go for more than one day without seeing her friends or spending the night at her friends house? What does this mean? Is she trying to distract herself because she finds it too hard to sit at home alone with her thoughts? If so what does that mean? Or has she just moved on
    Do I even have a chance?
    I miss her a lot
    And I love that girl

    1. Hi Sam.

      Your ex is trying to distract herself with other people. She doesn’t want to be alone at home. That’s why I suggest that you give her the space she’s asking for and focus on yourself for now. I know you miss her, but if she’s going to come back, it’s after she’s had some time to think about it.

      Hang in there!
      Zan

  2. I was in relationship with a girl for 1 year and then she broke up with me. But during 1 month no contact she wished me valentines and one day she even complimented me for my dance video. When i contacted her back she was again ignoring me. What does that mean?

  3. You say he’s more mature than you, but I beg to differ. There is a reason why some older men date younger women. If this guy was mature and your relationship meant something to him, he would have reassured you and not decided to throw in the towel after you ask who some internet commenter (or possible clinger) was. If you weren’t calling him demanding “who is that b$&@$ Commenting on your stuff? Are you cheating on me??” and more just asked “hey, who is that girl commenting? Do you think she likes you etc?” then I think it’s a fair question.

    Your subsequent behaviour might make you cringe, but he had already set it all in motion, don’t blame yourself. I say take this as a lesson in how to keep your cool and step back for an evening instead of blowing someone’s phone and respect the boundaries of others (even if they’re idiots).

    This relationship cannot and will not bring you happiness. Imagine a day when you’re 40, and he’s 55 and an irrational baby of a man. Life is short, don’t waste yours on relationships like that. Age is no indication of maturity, unfortunately.

  4. Hi Zan,
    So I was dating this guy who was 16 years older than me for about 2 months but have known him for over a year. We started dating but we weren’t officially out there. I questioned him one day about a girl who was commenting and liking all of this photos on Instagram. It wasn’t anything crazy but one of those she had to post an emoji or something on every picture. I confronted him about it and I’m not sure if i came off as accusing or not but I really just wanted to know who the girl was. He said it was nobody and we got through it. About two hours later he stopped answering me and that night told me he wanted to be single so he didn’t have to listen to anyone and focus on things more important. During that time I was blowing up his phone texting calling block calling voicemails anything I could do to get him to try and change his mind.

    My head was racing with guilt emotion regret I didn’t realize what I was doing. He told me he only gives one chances and that Once he is done he’s done. I did something really bad and shows up to his work once again to try to get him to talk to me and only did that once and he got extremely mad at that. I realize now I made matters worse and told me to stop contacting him and I didn’t listen. He said if I wasn’t going to stop then he was going to call the police. I added his sister on Facebook not to contact her but to see if she would add me back. She did but yesterday when he threatened to call the police I saw she unadded me so now I feel like he is talking about me and what I did. It has been 4 days since the break up and I haven’t tried to contact him since yesterday. It was one of those things where I didn’t have closure and left me out of nowhere. I feel horrible and feel like this thing was entirely my fault thinking I accused him and then tried to contact him the way I did.

    I feel so sick and haven’t eaten or slept and tried to go out with friends and couldn’t. I am blocked on everything but my question is do you think he will ever contact me again? I am 25 he is 40 so he is much more older and mature then I am but I got soo much feeling for him and this is extremely hard for me. I feel like I’m in a black hole that I can’t get out of. I don’t know what to do obviously I can’t contact him but it kills me to know if he’ll ever contact me again because of what I did or is he completely done. I didn’t do anything to hurt him besides blow up his phone and show up at his work but I realize now what I did was extremely wrong and just wish I can tell him that I realize that.

    I handled things the wrong way because of my emotion and feel like I’m the reason I did this. I just want him to know how sorry I am and wonder if I should apologize later down the road for the way I acted even tho I have already done that. This just ended out of nowhere with no closure and I just don’t know what to do and how to get through it.

    1. Dont apologize, you’ve already done that,at 25 you’re young woman with so.much life ahead of you, there’s something better for you out there.

  5. Hi Zan,
    My ldr ex dumped me for the second time. At first, he messaged me (after 2 weeks) to ask to be friends, but after i asked for space and told him we can try to be friend after i’ve healed he wouldn’t leave me alone. He said I don’t have to reply to him, just read his messages. He then proceeded to text me a few times every week, basically trying to start a conversation or telling me his latest holidays, activities etc. He’s also telling me stuff like he’s been sick, failed his exam, etc which basically trying to get my sympathy.. I don’t get what he wants from me? He dumped me twice, all because he couldn’t do the distance anymore and that he thought he needed someone local. He thought we could never work out.

    1. He’s being unfair. Wants the benefits of emotional support of a relationship but no commitment to you. He’s not respecting your boundaries you tried to place by telling him you need time. He wants you to read but not reply? Sounds like a mini-torture plan for the dumped!
      I’m guessing you’re hesitant in blocking him. I suggest telling him one more time to respect your wishes and give you space for now. If he continues to contact, I would block him.

  6. Hi Zan or anyone who can offer help. Here is my problem I am trying to do no contact, my ex has legal documents and passports my lawyer needs next week she has promised me four times she would post them out to me still no sign, she also told me twice she would leave them at the front door for me to collect and didn’t I have to get them back obviously knocking on her door unannounced is not a good idea but I need them by next Monday so running out of options, please advice someone thanks

    1. How does she have all of these documents and if you lived with her how come you don’t have keys?

      This has nothing to do with no contact if the documents are that important.

  7. Hello, I’m 19 this year and my ex of 5 months is 20. We’ve just broken up 2 weeks ago & honestly it has been really depressing. He said that I was too controlling and our personalities just don’t match at the moment. He said he’s enjoying the single life and doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. And that he doesn’t know if he still likes me anymore but has kept his feelings for me aside. I have tried to talk things out with him but it doesn’t work as he sad he chooses not to be in a relationship anymore even if there is hope. Furthermore he might be going aboard to study this year, and I would only go next year. What should I do? We are in the same university and class, so we still wave at each other when we meet, but that’s about it. It doesn’t look like he will come back anytime soon and frankly i just don’t think he’s ready for a serious relationship yet. We both have the same major and will most probably study abroad in the same school. When we come out to work, we would be in the same line of work as well.Should we continue to be friends? Would that ruin our possibilities of being back together again? I want to move on and believe that if he’s meant to be mine, he will come back. But it’s really hard to move on.

    p.s i still text him once in a few days but he takes several hours to respond. Is that normal? Or should I wait til he contacts me?

  8. They DO come back and they DO change their mind. It happened to me before, but I refused to take her back. Zan, as much as I enjoy your articles, I feel like you are a little too biased at times. What makes you think it’s impossible for dumpers to think about their exes…even when they are “ happy” in another relationship? Trust me, I’m old enough to know they do entertain the idea of coming back to their exes and it’s really only a matter of circumstance that will determine if or when they contact you. Relationships have unfortunately changed in this day and age and faithfulness and loyalty is rare. Thanks for the article.

    1. Perhaps someone can comment on my recent experience. I have been in strict no contact with my ex for the past 6 weeks. We work in the same building but it’s a huge place so we don’t see each other. My ex is an avoidant. She fits every description of it. She found some excuse to end the relationship, after which I immediately went into no contact. I had not seen or heard from her for those six weeks when, last Friday, she barged into my office area looking for me. She claimed that her boss sent her to find me to assist with some two other staff issues. The two staff followed her in a few minutes later and I fixed the issues but she stood around and talked to me for 2 hours after they left, but not of our relationship, but of her job duties and the fact that I don’t assist her anymore with IT related matters. The next day I saw her boss and asked him if he sent her to find me the day before. He said no, he did not. So why did she lie? Two days after all this I ran into her and asked her about what was going on with us. She said it was over. Any thoughts?

      1. She’s mad because you’re not begging and pleading like her girlfriends advised her and told her.Stsy in no contact, put the disinterested vibes out there, make her beg and plead.

      2. It was a breadcrumb. She was most likely unhappy with something in her life and was looking for temporary validation.
        Stay in no contact.

  9. Hi Zan, I dated a girl for 7-years. We moved to a new city and our relationship slowly eroded due to work, over-committments and stress.She broke up with my shortly after my birthday and we had since been with other people, dated a bit, she moved out, got her own place, we also hooked up quite a bit, too – and went to therapy…even. She said she was confused and felt bad that I knew what I wanted (her), but she was unsure. We did no contact once for a month during it over the holidays, but now more recently, she asked for space. I moved to a new city to start a new job and am back into the first week and a half of no contact. How do I go about getting her back? Simply focus on me and let her come back (even though she dumped me?) – or is she going to move on since I moved away and am now not contacting her? Let me know your thoughts! Thank you.

    1. Stay in no contact. Make it indefinite. Reads Zan’s article about people who broke no contact. It hurts. You’ve already been through enough pain.

  10. Just one last note. I am old. I thought i had seen it all. I counsel others. I am just totally fascinated with this site and its author.

  11. Hi Zan, I kind of agonized a bit over a prior agreement I made with my ex when she moved six months ago. I reached out to a couple of Dating channels who believe in strict no contact and they said it was fine to mail her stuff to her and another said F her lol.

    She asked if she’d like me to pick up or forward her important mail before she moved out, to which I said I’d mail it. Well, I’ve been collecting quite a bit of stuff I’ve found over the last six months and in the last couple of weeks got a cheque and a tax statement, so I boxed it up and shipped it with a short note wishing her well and asking her to update her mail and stating that I’d be returning all her mail to the sender from now on. I didn’t put anything in the note fishing for a response and tracking notified me she picked it up yesterday and I’m not expecting her to reach out.

    I hope this doesn’t give her an ego stroke, but frankly I don’t want to get any more of her mail and I try to be honourable and keep my word. I held off as long as I felt it wasn’t important mail. I don’t even look at her social media and have never messaged her or anything since she moved.

    Anyway, I guess I still get some anxiety over her, but I just felt it was time to deal with that and get her stuff out of my place.

    Thanks again for your helpful blogs.

    1. If I was your ex I don’t think I’d get an ego stroke from it. Sounds like a note from a stable, forward-moving person. Sounds like you are doing a good job! Stay strong!

      1. Thanks Carly! It’s annoying that even after six months I still get a bit anxious about her and overthink. Looking forward to being completely free. I’m almost there.

        1. I hear what you are saying, it can be so annoying. You are doing great! You will be stronger and better from this. I am more than six months out of my last relationship and I still obsess at times, but it’s slowly getting easier.

          1. Well hang in there and remind yourself that we as dumpees did a lot of soul searching and personal growth while ours are probably in the same place they were when they left us. Onward and upward.

  12. “Your ex has different plans that, unfortunately, don’t include you. They are selfish plans that have everything to do with your ex and nothing with you.” LOL!!!! There you have it folks, the plain and ugly reality, having lots of sex is a great way to heal and get over your ex and no I didn’t like the article ,since you asked

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