When Does An Ex Start To Miss You?

Updated on September 11, 2025

Many, if not most, dumpees want to know how long it takes for an ex to start to miss you after a breakup. They want to know whether their ex misses them already and if they need to do something extraordinary to make their ex realize their romantic value and want to be with them.

If you’re one of those dumpees, you need to understand that an ex starts to miss you not when you play jealousy games, cry, or beg for affection, but when he or she has a reason to miss you. This is usually when enough time has passed for the dumper to cool off, reflect, think rationally, and understand that you were always there for him or her.

Whether there were personal or relationship issues, you stood by his or her side and remained loyal through the ups and downs.

The dumper essentially needs to have an epiphany and start to believe that the path he or she chose to embark on without you isn’t the most fulfilling, and that you used to provide tons of support, love, and solid reasons for connection and mutual growth.

When the dumper lacks relationship benefits and considers you romantically valuable, the dumper becomes nostalgic and starts to miss what you brought to the table. Your ex misses the simple things, such as holding hands, cuddling, talking, and sharing everyday moments.

If you expect your ex to miss you for no reason at all, just because it would be convenient for you, you’re setting yourself up for failure. You’re holding on to false hope because your ex won’t miss you, just because you got along well and had a decent bond. Before your ex can miss you and desire you romantically, something painful and self-reflection-worthy must first occur to your ex. Something that makes your ex have an “aha moment” and think and feel positively about you.

Most of the time, the dumper must face difficulties and get hurt. By dealing with some unexpected challenge, the dumper loses control, stops blaming the dumpee for his or her unhappiness, and takes accountability for his or her unhealthy thoughts and actions.

Of course, there’s no guarantee that the dumper will do that just because he or she hit a snag and got hurt, but pain, unhappiness, and inconvenience cause reflection more often than positive feelings. They tell dumpers they overestimated their capabilities, and by doing so, affect their self-esteem and knock them off their high horse.

Sure, your ex could have occasional moments of doubt (most likely in the first month of the breakup), but you don’t want your ex to contact you just to tell you that he or she misses you but doesn’t want you back. That would set you back emotionally and make you analyse your ex’s words to infinity.

If your ex does reach out because of doubt or some other insignificant reason you couldn’t care less about, your ex will talk to you for a while and stop talking to you when he or she gets what he or she is after and no longer feels a desire to reminisce. In simple words, your ex will lose interest and leave you craving more.

So before you start hoping to hear your ex say that he or she misses you, bear in mind that there are two kinds of missing. There’s missing as a friend and missing as a romantic partner.

1. The first type of missing is the most common one. It happens when the dumper feels guilty or doubtful or still feels a bit attached to the dumpee. A good example of this is the dumper reaching out to say he misses his ex without actually wanting to get back together. The dumper could say things like, “I miss you a lot. I just wanted to let you know that I care about you. I hope you have a great day!”
2. The second kind of missing, however, is much less common. A dumper who misses you romantically doesn’t just miss your absence or friendly personality, but also the value you add to the relationship. This means that he doesn’t miss you as a person, solely because you’re gone, but also because he wants you back to invest in him emotionally and in every way couples invest.

The first type of nostalgia has no romantic expectations, whereas the second one has many. It’s usually difficult to tell them apart due to post-breakup hope, separation anxiety, and lack of clarity. But if you observe your ex, ask the right questions, and try to figure out what he or she is trying to get by interacting with you, you’ll soon realize whether your ex’s intentions are genuine and if it makes sense to talk to your ex.

Now that you know that not every “I miss you” from the dumper means “I want you back,” you have to know that the dumper won’t miss you because of time alone. Time has nothing to do with missing you. Yes, it reduces the tension, but to want you back, your ex must engage in reflection and realize your romantic value.

This means your ex will likely have to fail in some major way and be forced to remember your good qualities and moments. That’s how it is for most dumpers. They don’t become nostalgic and regretful unless something goes wrong and shows them they aren’t as flawless as they thought.

Today, we’ll answer the question, “When does an ex start to miss you?” We’ll also give you some tips on what to do if your ex doesn’t miss you romantically.

When does an ex start to miss you?

It’s unlikely that your ex will start to miss you mere days after the breakup. Your ex will probably feel relieved and happy, and spend most of his or her time thinking about other people and things. Your ex will wonder why it took him or her so long to initiate the breakup and feel so independent and in control.

Most dumpers feel emotionally exhausted at the end of the relationship and believe they had no choice but to distance themselves from their ex and enjoy their life in meaningful ways. They convince themselves they were miserable and, in some cases, that their ex deserved to be broken up with the way that he or she did.

Seldom do dumpers feel regretful and sad. When that happens, they’re normally depressed or have some other (mental health) problem unrelated to the breakup to address.

But exes normally start to miss you when you stop missing them and showing them you depend on them for purpose and happiness. It can take time for that to happen (months of time), but that’s when dumpers process the breakup, start wondering about you, and want to regain the friendship perks they left behind. They want to talk to you, rely on you for support, and ease their guilty conscience.

Mind you, your ex won’t miss you just because you gave him or her space and time to think. If your ex is resentful, unforgiving, and immature, your ex will likely stay bitter for a while because your ex will focus on the bad aspects of the relationship. Your ex will focus on how you acted when you were stressed, jealous, fearful, or angry—and use those moments to reinforce his or her decisions and negative feelings.

But if your ex respects you and encounters some serious problems (let’s say he or she gets rejected or dumped), then your ex could miss the security and love he or she felt when you were together and doing well as a couple.

This, of course, depends on the kind of problems your ex encounters and how your ex deals with those problems. Your ex’s coping mechanisms are essential, as poor coping gives your ex an incentive to indulge in nostalgia and want to interact with you.

Some of the typical problems that could make an ex miss you are:

• relationship problems
• breakups
• (mental) health issues
• financial problems
• a lack of emotional support
• fallouts with friends and family
• and anything that hurts your ex, lowers your ex’s ego, and makes him or her reflect

The worse your ex’s life is, the bigger the chance that you’ll cross your ex’s mind and trigger his or her cravings for comfort and safety (aka a better life). That’s why you need to give your ex enough space and time to enjoy life, experience issues, and think about you.

Your ex could also start to miss you when he or she sees you with someone else. Seeing you in love and moving on could make your ex compare himself or herself to your new partner and become jealous. But for that to happen, your ex would need to have a lot of respect for you, have low self-esteem, feel sad, have no romantic success, or be very competitive.

Not a lot of dumpees get jealous. The reason for that is that they lack romantic feelings and expectations of their ex. Some are even happy to see their ex with someone else because it reassures them that their ex is doing well and that it’s morally acceptable for them to date other people.

Exes usually miss their dumpees when their plan doesn’t go according to plan. In other words, they become nostalgic when they fail to secure a happy post-breakup life for themselves. That’s when they’re forced to accept reality and face the consequences of their unrealistic expectations.

With that said, here’s when an ex starts to miss you after leaving you.

Can an ex miss you without getting hurt?

An ex can miss you without getting hurt, but your ex would have to be super mature, respectful, kind-hearted, and capable of reflecting willingly. To be honest, most people don’t reflect willingly. They only start reflecting and working on themselves when they have a good reason to do so.

A good reason is anything that affects their self-esteem and makes them afraid for their health, safety, and happiness.

So if you’re hoping that your ex will reflect voluntarily, know that your ex has to be extremely mature, self-aware, and understanding of his or her post-breakup emotions. Your ex has to want to reflect, unlike most dumpers, who are forced to reflect. The chances aren’t very high, to say the least.

Personally, I haven’t seen many dumpers reflect on their own. Those who did were extremely rare. Most regretful dumpers had no choice but to reflect because some painful or inconvenient situation forced them to think and do something about their unhappiness. They knew that if they didn’t make some big internal changes that they would suffer and/or continue to suffer.

That’s why I strongly encourage you not to pin your hopes on miracles (situations you have no control over and that have small chances of success). It’s much more likely that your ex will have to discover your worth and miss you romantically the hard way – by failing in some important way and maturing through pain.

You don’t know if your ex will ever grow, but you have to give your ex space anyway. You have to let your ex enjoy his or her life and explore the world without you. You have to do it, no matter how badly you want your ex to miss you and want to be with you.

If you don’t give your ex space, you’ll make your ex miss you even less. You might even make your ex resent you and lose respect for you. That’s because you’ll display some very unattractive traits and guilt-trip or suffocate your ex. The more unhappy you appear and the more you demand from your ex, the more harm you’ll cause and the longer your ex will struggle with negative emotions.

Your ex won’t process the past (quickly) because he or she will be preoccupied with dealing with the present.

What to say to an ex when an ex misses you?

When an ex says that he or she misses you, don’t get too excited, lose your cool, and profess your undying love to your ex. Your ex may miss you, but as I’ve mentioned earlier, your ex may miss you in ways that have nothing to do with love and reconciliation.

Your ex may just be having a bad day or missing the times you talked and got along. That doesn’t mean your ex is coming back around, but that your ex wants you back as a friend or occasional friend. Losing you completely doesn’t make your ex happy, as it also means losing the perks of friendship.

If you immediately say, “I miss you too,” your ex will receive your validation on the spot and might not want to talk to you anymore. Instead of bonding and working toward a relationship, your ex will let the conversation fizzle out or straight up ignore you.

That will leave you feeling used or confused. Either way, you’ll spend the next few days rereading your ex’s texts and wondering where you went wrong.

So before you tell your ex that you miss him/her too, figure out what made your ex say that to you. Getting to the bottom of your ex’s sentimentality will help you think rationally, keep your hopes low, and allow you to handle your ex’s words adequately.

Handling them adequately means that you stop your ex from breadcrumbing you or let your ex get back with you if that’s what your ex wants.

If you need help with what to say to an ex who says, “I miss you,” you can just say something like, “What made you say that? How come you miss me?”

Your ex’s response will tell you everything you need to know, starting with whether you should keep talking to your ex or shut your ex out of your life completely. You can’t stay in your ex’s life as just a friend when you still love your ex and need him or her to feel complete.

If you learn that your ex doesn’t care about you romantically, simply say that you appreciate him/her telling you that, but that you need space and don’t want to communicate anymore. Your ex needs to see that you’re not interested in friendship and meaningless conversations.

However, if you learn that your ex is regretful and loves you, then you can wait for your ex to suggest meeting up. Once the time and place have been set, discuss the things you need from your ex to be in a trusting relationship. If you don’t make your ex earn your trust back, your ex could leave again and make you feel stupid for taking him or her back.

Be careful about an ex who says the things you want to hear, as not all exes mean what they say. Many of them don’t even understand that they’re giving the dumpee false hope and hindering his or her detachment process. They think they’re helping their ex feel validated and secure when they’re making things much worse.

That’s why you have to take charge of your post-breakup life and shoo your ex away if your ex has no intention of being with you but says things exclusive to romantic partners.

Can my ex’s missing turn into something more?

Your ex can go from missing you to loving you. It’s happened to my readers before. But I need to warn you that you needn’t stay in touch with your ex for that to happen. You don’t need to communicate with your ex, flirt, and make your ex like you for your ex to realize your worth.

In fact, communication usually kills attraction because the dumper alleviates guilt and takes his or her sweet time exploring other options. It goes without saying that dumpers find their ex more appealing when their ex depicts confidence and self-esteem.

These traits leave the best impression on dumpers because they make dumpers see that their ex doesn’t need them to move on and live a fulfilling life. All their ex needs are supporting friends and family members who bring laughter and joy into their lives. They make them feel appreciated, whereas dumpers make them feel unneeded.

So if you’re thinking of staying in touch with your ex after your ex said that he or she misses you and/or loves you, I strongly urge you not to. Settling for friendship will put you in the friend-zone with your ex and make your life much more difficult than it is right now. If the breakup happened recently, it may feel like things can’t get much worse, but I guarantee that they can. If you overwhelm your ex with expectations, your ex is likely to react negatively and push you away.

The best way to handle any kind of breadcrumbs from your ex is to take your ex’s ability to breadcrumb you away the moment your ex reaches out. Instead of entertaining your ex and letting your ex confuse you, tell your ex that you’re not ready for friendship and that you’ll let him or her know when or if you are.

That will let your ex know you’re not going to fall for hope-giving sweet talk and that you respect yourself more than he or she could ever imagine.

Don’t be afraid to take back control and stand up for yourself. Your ex may not like it, but he or she will respect you much more if you put your foot down and show (not say) you’re an all-or-nothing kind of person.

Did you enjoy reading this article? Let us know what you think about exes who tell you they miss you or love you. Feel free to add when your other exes started to miss you.

Lastly, if you’re looking for 1-on-1 breakup coaching and want our help analyzing your breakup, make sure to visit our coaching page for more information.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.