Although sleeping with your ex after a breakup can help you feel less abandoned and unworthy of your ex’s attention and affection, it can also give you tons of false hope, anxiety, and confusion.
Post-breakup intimacy with an ex who left you can make you think that your ex still finds you attractive and that getting back with him or her is possible as long as you follow certain guidelines and do your best to seduce your ex.
Sex is a powerful tool when it comes to couples as it allows couples to feel desired and connected, helps them appreciate each other, and erases some of the stressors and frustrations that had built up.
But when it comes to exes, it tends not to have a strong bonding effect. It mostly just satisfies their sexual desires and lets them benefit from each other without committing.
Hence, it’s called friendship with benefits.
Those exes who sleep together after the breakup do so because they want something. Either they want love and security (dumpees) or they want to satisfy their urges and ease their frustrations or guilt (dumpers).
Don’t immediately assume that an ex who wants to sleep with you wants you back. Assume that he or she wants something else from you and that you could get hurt if you misread his or her intentions.
Always remember that a person who regrets leaving you will be regretful, not aroused. He or she will regret hurting you and try to obtain your forgiveness, validation, and love at the same time. The reconciliation process will be serious (not fun) because the dumper will feel anxious and not want to get rejected and lose you.
The dumper will know that if he or she messes up and doesn’t impress you, you’ll refuse to get back together and make him or her suffer immensely.
Of course, your ex could also sleep with you before getting back with you. But if that happens, your ex will want you back spontaneously rather than premeditatively. Your ex will want another chance after you’ve made him or her feel good.
That’s not a good sign because your ex’s commitment could last only for as long as his or her happy hormones last.
Sex is meant for couples to feel closer and ex-couples to have an easier time dealing with unwanted emotions, problems, and urges. There’s a big difference between a couple and an ex-couple engaging in sexual activities.
One indicates love, bonding, and romantic expectations whereas the other shows a desire for pleasure and moving on.
A couple has sex not just because they find each other attractive and want to feel good, but also because they enjoy each other’s presence and the path they’re on. They feel attracted to each other’s brains on top of their bodies and want to stay together and work on reaching mutual goals.
Exes (dumpers), on the other hand, don’t care about a common future. They’re okay with staying broken up and seeing their ex with someone else.
They left because they stopped valuing their ex’s personality and got tired of feeling forced to invest in a relationship they stopped believing in.
The only reason they sleep with their ex after a breakup is because they want to feel a certain way or don’t want to feel a certain way. They make a self-centered decision that benefits them more than their vulnerable ex.
Some dumpers sleep with their ex one time whereas others do it multiple times. Those who sleep with their ex once tend to think sex will help their dumpee ex feel desired and move on.
They forget that sex makes their ex feel extremely emotional and validated and that it encourages him or her to chase their ex’s validation and not let go.
No matter how attracted you are to your ex and how badly you need him or her to ease your separation anxiety and pain, you must understand that sleeping with your ex after a breakup won’t help you love yourself. It will likely boost your damaged ego and self-esteem for a short moment, but it won’t help you get over your ex.
If sex with an ex could help dumpees recover from a breakup, I’d suggest it to all dumpees. There’d be no need for them to suffer for months and slowly rebuild their self-esteem the way the majority of dumpees do. Dumpees could heal or even get their ex back simply by doing the deed with their ex.
Sex would empower them and allow them to disconnect or reconnect with their ex, depending on how they feel and what they want.
Unfortunately, intimacy doesn’t work that way. Sex makes hopeful and anxious dumpees get attached to their detached ex and prevents them from letting go. It makes them addicted to their ex and stops them from getting over the breakup.
That’s why sleeping with your ex after a breakup isn’t the wisest idea. It can’t help you and your ex achieve your post-breakup goals unless you have feelings for each other, no feelings for each other, or other similar expectations.
You can only benefit from sleeping together if the breakup is mutual (you’re both emotionally independent and over each other) or if years have passed since you broke up and you aren’t seeing anyone. That implies that sex may not harm anyone and that you might be able to have a “healthy” friendship with benefits situationship with your ex.
Now, sex could also complicate your “friendship” and weird out your future partners. It could make you regret re-opening the past and getting involved with each other.
That’s why I encourage you to give it some serious thought before you contemplate getting physical with your ex-partner. Make sure you understand what you’re getting yourself into.
Today, we discuss the dangers and consequences of sleeping with your ex after a breakup—and help you decide whether you should sleep with your ex or stop sleeping with your ex if you’re doing that already.
Should I sleep with my ex if I want him/her back?
What you should do with your ex depends on how your ex treats you, what your ex wants from you, what you’re okay with, and how you feel. If you got dumped and feel terrible, you should definitely not sleep with your ex.
You should focus on avoiding interactions with your ex and finding ways to heal and be happy.
Hurt and anxious dumpees shouldn’t sleep with their ex-partner. If they sleep with their ex, they start craving their ex’s love even more and become crazy obsessed with their ex. They see or continue to their ex as the only person they can bond with and feel validated by.
Sleeping with an ex should be avoided at all costs! No amount of sex will improve your ex’s perceptions of you and make your ex want to be with you. It will only give your ex relationship benefits for free, confuse you, and string you along.
The more anxious you are and the more you desire your ex’s affection, the longer it will take you to process rejection and depend on yourself for purpose and self-love.
So if your ex dumped you and hasn’t shown any interest in getting back together so far, give up on reattracting your ex with sex alone. Sex will make your ex even less interested in you romantically because your ex will get everything he or she needs on a silver platter.
Your ex will get your attention, support, care, and other relationship perks without even trying and deserving them. That will make your ex a friend with benefits who gets the most intimate part of you with a simple booty call.
As a dumpee who was rejected, there are certain things you need to avoid giving your ex. Some of those things include:
- love
- attention
- validation
- support
- sex
You mustn’t show your ex you don’t value yourself and that you’ll do anything for his or her time and reassurance. The moment your ex knows you’re willing to put your feelings and goals aside to make him or her happy or avoid making him or her unhappy, it’s over.
Your ex will lose respect for you and never treat you the same again.
Self-respect is the most crucial characteristic you possess. It’s essential to safeguard it by constantly reminding yourself that your ex has to earn your body and mind. As long as your ex is set on staying broken up, he or she needs to be kept at a distance and shown that sex without commitment is out of the question.
You can sleep with your ex only when you’re over your ex and have no romantic expectations of your ex. But even then, you shouldn’t keep sleeping with your ex regularly. If you develop a pattern of being intimate with a former partner, you could redevelop feelings and become emotionally dependent on your ex.
If you have a desire and opportunity to be intimate with an ex, be intimate no more than a few times. Do it to occupy your time and give/receive satisfaction until you’re ready to look for another person.
Be honest about your intentions from the start and don’t sleep with multiple people. Remember that your ex may or may not have other sexual partners and that there’s a risk of getting and transmitting STIs and STDs.
Also, don’t sleep with your ex as a way of getting back with your ex. Revenge won’t make you feel good for long, nor will it make your ex insecure and eager for validation and love. It will make your ex see you’re hurt and that you’re incapable of dealing with pain maturely.
I know dumpees who slept with their ex and dumped their ex afterward. They hurt their ex just to punish their ex for causing them pain. If you’re thinking of sleeping with your ex just to get back at your ex and boost your ego, you need to stop.
Work on your ego and self-esteem issues and be nice even to those who wronged you. It will make you into a better person.
Having said that, here’s when you can sleep with your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend.
I slept with my ex, now what?
If you already slept with your ex, start by asking yourself why you did that. What were you trying to accomplish?
Learning the motives for sleeping with your ex will help you understand if keeping your ex so close to you makes sense long-term or only now.
If you learn that you want your ex’s closeness to ease your pain and/or be with your ex, you’re doing it because you’re scared of detaching and letting go of your ex.
You don’t want to accept the breakup, distance yourself from your ex, and let your ex find sexual fulfillment elsewhere. Due to fear, separation anxiety, and other breakup nuisances, you’re trying to obtain your ex’s validation and make your ex realize your worth through sex.
You probably see sex as a tool to spend time with your ex and focus on the positive aspects of the relationship.
Sadly, reconciliation won’t happen because of sex alone. If it does happen, it will be when your ex dates others, encounters problems, and realizes you’re a good backup option, capable of solving his or her problems.
That’s when your ex will focus on fixing things and feeling empowered by you.
If you slept with your ex after a breakup and want to be with your ex, you should stop sleeping with your ex right away. Stop contacting your ex as well so you can stop thinking about your ex and feeling broken-hearted.
However, if you don’t want to be with your ex and haven’t met anyone new, feel free to sleep with your ex once or twice. It shouldn’t hurt unless someone needs space and privacy.
After you’ve done the deed a few times, it’s probably time to stop sleeping with your ex. Stop making your life about your ex so you can open your heart up to someone who actually wants to build a meaningful life with you.
Stop interacting with your ex and you’ll see that sleeping with your ex is unnecessary and a waste of time whether you want your ex back or not.
Are you sleeping with your ex after a breakup or thinking about sleeping with him or her? Let us know your thoughts in the comments section below.
And if you want to confide in us about being sexual with your ex, get in touch with us through our private coaching page.
