Is It Ok To Be Friends With Your Ex?

Technically, there’s nothing wrong with being friends with your ex. Many exes were friends before they developed feelings and started dating, so becoming friends again would be like going back to when they didn’t have any romantic expectations of each other. The only issue is that many exes try to become friends before they’re ready to be friends.

They don’t give each other enough space to process the breakup, so they get back in touch, start acting like friends, and cause a lot of problems for each other.

Ex-couples who strive for friendship prematurely feel a lot of unwanted emotions. Dumpees tend to feel anxious and hopeful whereas dumpers feel pressured, guilty, and oftentimes annoyed. They feel that their ex expects too much of them too soon, so they raise their guard and act angry, mean, or cold. They don’t let their ex close as doing so would be the opposite of what they want.

If you’re wondering if it’s ok to be friends with your ex, the truth is that it’s okay morally. But there are many things you need to consider before you jump into friendship with an ex.

You need to think about:

• whether the dumpee is over the dumper and if the dumper even respects the dumpee and wants to be friends
• whether your/your ex’s new partner is/will be okay with (close) friendship
• how the friendship is going to work (being best friends will be difficult and likely cause issues for your new partners)
• if your ex even deserves to be your friend (unhealthy relationships aren’t very fulfilling)

Just because you were friends before or because you spent a lot of time together doesn’t mean you need to be friends with someone who left you. Some relationships, as well as friendships, need to end so that ex-couples can move on from them. If they settle for friendship right away (and act like friends), that’s not good because they tend to stop reflecting.

And when they stop reflecting, they stop learning and growing within.

That’s why you have a lot of thinking to do. You have to figure out if being friends with your ex is even what you want. Many times, dumpers want friendship because they pity their ex and want their ex around for convenience. Dumpees, on the other hand, are still anxious and want to stay close to their ex for validation and safety. They’re afraid of distancing themselves and losing control, so they cling to their ex and refuse to let go.

These aren’t good reasons for being friends with an ex.

A good reason would be that:

• you’re over each other
• don’t take the breakup personally and don’t compete
• and feel certain that you won’t act like a couple, hint at getting back together, stay too close to each other emotionally, and keep hanging out too often

In this post, we discuss if it’s ok to be friends with your ex. We talk about the reasons why being friends with an ex can backfire and when it’s okay to be friends.

Is it ok to be friends with your ex?

Being friends with your ex is ok when you and your ex are over each other, respect each other, and feel ready to contribute to each other’s lives in ways that friends do. It’s okay as long as you can both reach out from time to time, express emotions and problems, and ask for favors without hurting, pressuring, or annoying each other.

That’s what friendship is. It’s all about contacting your friend and receiving a friendly response. If the response isn’t friendly, that isn’t friendship. It’s a wannabe friendship in which at least one person isn’t ready or willing to be friends.

So if you’re contemplating being friends with your ex, you must both want friendship equally. If someone only likes the idea of friendship but isn’t emotionally ready for it, he or she is going to feel smothered by the other person. This will then cause disagreements between them and hurt the person with stronger feelings and bigger expectations.

That’s why you must make sure that your ex doesn’t just say that he/she wants friendship but that your ex is actually prepared to invest time, energy, money, and emotions in it. An investment would show that your ex is on the same page with you and that you won’t ruin your friendship just by being your friendly self.

You should be able to say and do anything that friends say and do. This includes inviting your ex out, telling your ex about the people you’re seeing, asking your ex for advice, and conversing with your ex about anything your heart desires.

If you get the feeling that your ex is avoiding you, shutting down, or refusing to answer non-intrusive questions, your ex can’t be your friend at this moment. Your ex may be ready for friendship later, but right now, your ex associates too many negative emotions with you to respond the way you want your ex to respond.

You need to give your ex more time so that your ex doesn’t start resenting you and hurting you as a result. And you can do that by going back to no contact and letting your ex reach out when he or she is ready to communicate and be friends.

You’ll know your ex is ready to be friends with you when your ex initiates conversations, talks about his/her private life, or directly asks for friendship. Such things show that your ex has processed all or most breakup emotions and that it may be possible to get along as friends.

When is it ok to be friends with your ex?

It’s ok to be friends with your ex when you’re okay with your ex dating someone new and having a great time with him or her. If you can handle seeing your ex happy, you’re likely ready to give friendship a try. But before you do, make sure that your ex and his or her new partner want the same.

I don’t mean that you must contact your ex’s new partner and talk about whether he or she is okay with your ex still talking to you, but you should ask your ex if your ex and the new person are okay with it. If your ex is happy to be friends but the new person is reluctant, that doesn’t mean you should ignore the new person’s feelings and do what your ex wants.

Technically, your ex and your ex’s new partner should figure things out together as a couple, but if they don’t or can’t, don’t meddle with their relationship. Give them some space so they can discuss whether being friends with an ex in a new relationship is okay.

Every couple has a different opinion about this. Some couples talk to their exes from years ago whereas others cut off their past and ignore and block their exes.

But if you ask me, it’s usually not a good idea to talk to an ex while you’re in a relationship as someone usually feels anxious and threatened. It’s okay to communicate occasionally, but talking every day unless you have children or some kind of responsibility that ties you to your ex is torture for your new partner.

It’s better to let go of the connection you have with your ex and focus on the connection with your new partner. That way, you can talk to your ex only when you need to or when you and your ex want to catch up.

If the breakup happened recently (weeks or months ago) and it wasn’t amicable, it’s most likely too early to think about being your ex’s friend. Neither you nor your ex has processed the breakup fully, so forcing friendship would likely backfire as it would make the detached person crave alone time and the attached person his or her ex.

If you’re not sure if you’re ready yet, you can’t go wrong by postponing the friendship for another month or two. Your ex won’t go anywhere just because you’re focusing on healing and detachment. If your ex is mature and worthy of friendship, your ex will understand that you need more time to let go of hope.

Here’s a recap of when it’s ok to be friends with your ex.

What to say if you’re not ready to be friends?

If you’re not ready to be friends with your ex yet, the most sensible thing to say is that you need more time to process the breakup and figure things out. Don’t say that you’ll eventually want to be friends if you don’t like your ex and never want to see your ex again.

That would make your ex think that you want to be friends and communicate as before. Just say that you’re not ready to speak and that you’ll reach out if you become ready. This won’t directly reject your ex, but it will let your ex know that you’re not open to friendship and that he or she needs to accept that.

It’s that simple. Your job is to avoid giving false hope if you’re a dumper and avoid settling for something you don’t want if you’re a heartbroken dumpee. It can feel tempting to offer or accept your ex’s friendship as breakups tend to create strong emotions, but I urge you not to say you want friendship if you aren’t ready for it.

People tend to take promises to heart. Especially dumpees because they’re hurting and see friendship as a means of getting back into a relationship with their ex. But what normally happens is that they get friend-zoned and strung along instead. They end up wanting their ex more and delaying their recovery.

So although it’s ok to be friends with your ex, make sure that it’s possible to be friends before you discuss friendship with your ex. Make sure that you and your ex both want the same thing otherwise someone will feel hurt or pressured.

You can always be friends months or years later if you think your ex will make a nice friend but now that you’re hurting.

Do you think it’s ok (advisable) to be friends with your ex? Have you given friendship with an ex a try before? Let us know how it went and what you think below the post.

And if you’d like to discuss your breakup with us, check out our coaching options here.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.