It’s very common for an ex to talk to you and then ignore you.
This kind of behavior is a clear sign that your ex is testing the waters with you and that his or her messages or calls are meaningless.
We call such pointless conversation initiations breadcrumbs and their main purpose is to:
- alleviate guilt
- find out what you’re up to
- discern your feelings toward him or her
- contact you out of boredom
In most cases, when an ex contacts you and disappears shortly after, he or she has no intention of staying in contact.
The dumper instead contacts you for various selfish purposes that don’t concern you in any way, shape, or form.
In this article, we’ll go in more detail and talk about the possible reasons why your ex reaches out to you, talks to you, and then ignores you.
My ex talks to me and then ignores me
Let’s make something clear first.
Ignoring an ex or any living person is very disrespectful.
It shows people that you don’t care about their time and effort enough to reciprocate their actions.
Moreover, it also shows that you have no expectations of them and that you don’t care about their emotions.
And this is very, very wrong from a moral point of view.
Every person – ex or not deserves a response from you no matter what he or she has done.
Yes, even if this person cheated on you and treated you like dirt, he or she still deserves an acknowledgment.
As someone who received poor treatment, you need to have one important goal in mind.
That goal is to be better than your ex and everyone who’s ever hurt you.
And you can only do this by giving them the kind of treatment they don’t deserve.
Now, some of you may disagree with this because you feel responsible for teaching those who wronged you a lesson.
You likely want them to learn through pain and suffering just like you did and make them regret crossing paths with you.
If that’s what you’re thinking, I can tell you that it’s not worth reducing yourself to their level.
There will always be someone who wrongs you in one way or another, so you’d technically always be punishing people for their actions.
You’d become someone who hurts others to feel better about the damage that was done to you.
So before you do that, please remember that hurting others hurts you more than it hurts them.
Although it might temporarily make you feel better and empower you, you’re the one who’s going to have to live with it after the dust has settled.
People will usually hurt you in an attempt to heal themselves.
Sonya Teclai
Whether you’re the dumpee or the dumper, engrave the following information into your mind.
Ignoring a person does one of two things:
- Hurts the person who cares about you
- Makes him or her lose respect for you
What does it mean if my ex dumped me and is ignoring me?
Most dumpers will not talk to you right after the breakup.
They have so much built-up contempt and disgust inside them that their abilities don’t allow them to work through their smothering emotions.
That’s why dumpers with poor emotional intelligence will either:
- React impulsively and get angry at you
- Outright ignore you—and by doing so, make you regret dating them
Whichever option they choose, their lack of care speaks for them.
It describes their personality and says that they can’t overcome their suffocating emotions.
They just don’t have it in them to show some respect and compassion.
And that’s why they instead rely entirely on their primal instincts.
For most underdeveloped minds, primal instincts comprise of impulsive, emotional, and thoughtless responses.
Here’s why exes reaches out to you, talks to you, and ignores you after.
Why did my ex text me and then not reply?
If your ex texted you and didn’t reply after reading your response, your ex probably wanted to see how you’ll respond.
He or she wanted to bring a reaction out of you (positive, negative, or neutral) and discern what you think and feel about him/her.
Your ex did this to obtain some kind of post-breakup empowerment that only you as a dumpee could provide.
And the second you provided it, your ex gained an understanding of your thoughts and emotions and completed the missing piece of his or her puzzle.
Completing this puzzle, of course, had one particular purpose.
To validate your ex’s pre/post-breakup actions and allow your ex to continue moving on without you/with someone else.
It probably didn’t give your ex an ego boost, but rather a guilt-free card that permitted your ex to focus on himself or herself.
If this happened to you, it’s best that you give your ex what he or she wants.
Give your ex a reprieve and let him or her go.
You won’t achieve anything significant by deliberately trapping your ex and making him or her feel guilty, angry, or depressed.
You’ll just push him or her away and ruin your good karma.
My ex started talking to me again and then stopped
In this particular case, your ex probably engaged in conversation with you to pass his or her time until something or someone more entertaining came along.
It’s possible that your ex’s new girlfriend or boyfriend captivated your ex’s attention.
Or perhaps your ex focused his or her energy on work or studies.
Whatever the case, it’s clear that your ex no longer wished to talk to you, so your ex did what people with low respect for others do.
Your ex stopped talking to you and ignored you.
But don’t beat yourself up for your ex’s actions and inactions.
They aren’t deserving of your concerns. I’m sure you have more productive things to think about, such as your hobbies, friends, and your family.
Besides, it’s way better for you if your ex disappears when he or she doesn’t wish to reconcile.
By sticking around, your ex would just string you along and make you crave his or her approval.
My ex flirts with me and then ignores me
Flirting is a sign of physical and emotional attraction as it depicts mutual affection and helps people bond.
But when your ex flirts with you and ignores you, it’s obvious that your ex’s emotions for you aren’t quite where you want them to be.
They are unfortunately alternating between hot and cold—depending on what your ex thinks and feels.
And there’s a reason why they’re constantly changing.
One of the reasons is that your ex is rationally choosing to keep you at bay so that you don’t get too close to him or her.
It could be a desperate measure for your ex to protect himself or herself from getting involved with you again.
Your ex remembers that it didn’t work out the first time and thinks that giving it a second chance isn’t worth it.
Another reason why your ex flirts with you and ignores you is that your ex has another person whom he or she is close to.
So when your ex speaks to that person, your ex feels more attracted to him or her and no longer needs you around.
He or she needs you only when that person is busy or when they’re arguing.
More reasons why your ex talks to you one moment and ignores you the next
As a dumper, your ex is always on the defense.
He or she has his or her guard up and doesn’t want to bond with you again.
And that’s because bonding is for couples—and you and your ex aren’t one of them.
You’re an ex-couple who used to be in an intimate relationship together until things went south.
So if you insist and try to bond despite being broken up, your ex won’t like that.
He or she will feel smothered and might even ignore and block you.
So if your ex ignored you or did something similarly disrespectful, try not to blame yourself for it.
You just wanted to bond with the person you like and didn’t know that your ex doesn’t want the same.
To be honest, your ex probably liked a little bit of flirting, but when it got too serious, your ex got cold feet and ran away.
He or she failed to commit.
What to do when your ex ignores you?
If your ex ignored you and you don’t know what you should do, I want you to know that there is a universal plan for all broken-hearted dumpees.
And it will never let you down.
This plan is called, “Do what your idol would do.”
Whether this idol is your parent, a friend, or a complete stranger doesn’t matter.
All that matters is that he or she behaves in line with high moral values.
This means that he or she needs to be incredibly mature, self-aware, and in control of his or her emotions.
So when your ex ignores you and you don’t know what to do, pretend that you’re this highly developed person who’s loved by everyone.
By doing so, you will quickly understand what you must say and how you must act.
You’ll realize that you must let your ex get away with ignoring you and forget about it.
You’ll simply brush it off and pretend that it doesn’t bother you.
This is what strong people do on a consistent basis. They practice the kind of mentality that helps them forgive and forget their worst enemies.
And that’s exactly what you need to do as well.
You need to remember that reacting to your ex’s poor treatment doesn’t hurt your ex.
It hurts you and everyone close to you.
So when your ex ignores you and treats you poorly, give your ex space to come back on his or her terms.
Let your ex ignore people if that’s what your ex wants and keep moving on.
Eventually, your ex will likely contact you again.
And when that happens, you probably won’t care about it very much.
Not if you distance yourself from your ex—and in your ex’s absence realize that he or she is a disrespectful, selfish person.
Does your ex talk to you and ignore you on a consistent basis? Let us know in the comments below.
Me and my GF separated 6 months ago. We were together for 3 years and for the last 6 months of the relationship she became angry, upset, frustrated with me constantly. I hated the fact I caused her so much pain so ended the relationship thinking it was the right thing to do for us both and because I hated seeing someone I loved so much in pain. Since separating I think about her every single day and we recently met and chatted about what went wrong. I was amazing to see her. We both agreed it was the right thing to do at the time by separating but she blames me for everything. She now seems to reach out when she wants something from me but will normally ignore me for hours/days. She is having a very stressful time with university and struggles to “juggle” her “spinning plates”. I’m so confused and am struggling to understand how she finds it so easy to be so disrespectful. I love her so very much and want to support her through this tough time, but I find it so upsetting and it challenges my own values. Advice is welcome. Please.
Hi Keith.
She’s become resentful and blames you for her problems and feelings. Best you can do is give her space and let her handle her issues on her own. You don’t need to be her friend and support her if she doesn’t want you to and treats you badly. Go no contact and perhaps you’ll become friends when things have cooled off.
Sincerely,
Zan
Ex gf says it bothers her that we don’t talk but whenever i see her she either avoids me or looks at her phone. I don’t understand how a person can be so incoherent.
Hi Chris.
She might have occasional moments of doubt, but she doesn’t regret breaking up. Her avoidance shows that she feels uncomfortable in your presence and that she’d rather not engage in conversation.
Kind regards,
Zan
My momShe keeps talking to me and I would like her to stop talking to me right now. And she is telling her whole family that there is bugs and parasites here and there is not she has a mental illness and she won’t make an appointment to see a therapist and I would like her to. My room comes in my room and talks the bug and parasite nonsense to me.
Hi Jeremy.
How does this relate to your ex?
Sincerely,
Zan
Ex reach out to get back, you rejected so disappear. S
Hi H.
If your ex reached out to get back with you, your ex will show you that (most likely tell you in some way). Asking her not to speak won’t ruin your chances.
Best,
Zan
My ex does this to me. She cheated on me. It broke my heart. We have been divorced for some time now. We have a child together, so unfortunately, I still have to interact with her. When she needs something, or something is going wrong in her life I get a call or a text. I do the right thing and I help because I do not want her to suffer, but then she goes back to ignoring me and I feel so used. I put a smile on my face and hide it from her and my child. I have reworked myself from top to bottom. Best shape of my life, I have hobbies, I spend time with my kid. Even so I still cannot even get a sideways glance from her. It hurts so bad to be ignored and marginalized. I know I was not perfect, but I tried to be. I do not understand how a person could be so cruel to someone whom you once loved and someone whom you had a child with. I could never do that to someone. I am waiting for the day for the pain to stop.
Hi Anonymous.
You’re doing great, so congrats on getting this far! Just keep in mind that you won’t be a bad person for not helping her. You just mustn’t make things worse for her. I strongly suggest that you pull away by asking her to reach out to you only when it’s about the child. You needn’t have conversations that concern her because that makes you feel so used.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi
Please keep any rude comments to yourself. I broke up with my ex 2 years ago. He cheated on me with his baby mom and another chick. We were planning to get pregnant which I did. He then decided he didn’t want it when his baby mom was so hurt. I aborted due to the harassment. In the mist of the break up I had a surprise baby .
Anyway I recently expressed I wanted friendship and he expressed he wanted to flirt and wants sex, we’ve been sexting and things. However, he recently just went cold. I text for his input on something career related and haven’t had a reply. I’m sure he knows I still love him. Do you think that’s pulling him away? Should I just go no contact again or for forever ?
Hi Poo.
He’s definitely pulling away forever. You should go no contact forever because he doesn’t want you for the right reasons. He just wants what he can get because the love is gone.
Hang in there!
Zan
Bull shit macked on a younger gal like 30 years < his age in my face. I bought us MCD’s and he gives her a sandwich I bought saying oh I was to mean to her. BS. Dropped him. Then he moved contacts me 3 years later I replied no response and now 6 years later telling me I am kind and honorable. I acknowledged his comment. Gave me his phone number I called he texted said missed my call and would call me back. No call to date. LOL I was on a date at the time, so not to worry more fish in the Ocean ;). HA! HA!
Hi Zan,
My partner and I were in a relationship for 5 years. The last 6-8 months he started to not really put the effort in, didnt want intimacy etc. As a insecure partner I started to make digs at him for not paying attention to me. Eventually, he got fed up with this and pushed me away to the point i ended things. I didnt want to and he knew this but said right now he is not happy and is confused in his head. He even pushed his family and friends away he said he wanted to be with me but something was telling him he cant. He is depressed and couldnt put the effort into himself let alone me! He said he never fell out of love with me and ‘maybe time apart will be good for us’. I let him go 5 weeks ago and did a no contact period of 25 days. I then text him to check in that he was okay and it was a short sweet conversation. A week later after focusing on myself I decided I need to get the closure and get my stuff from his house (i used to live there and so have quite a lot of things at his parents home.) I messaged him ‘hey, can we sort a day for me to get my stuff please?x’ he replied and said ‘ hey how are you? yeah sure when was you thinking?x’ anyway so i said i was doing okay and i asked him if we could meet on a neutral territory beforehand because I am worried about the conversation in his house, his safe space, infront of his family etc. I dont want a emotional chat in his bedroom which is filled with all these memories, a chance to slouch on the bed, not listen, be too attached to all the memories in the room that this affect the conversation. He said of course we can to meeting and then we started to chatting. The conversation could have easily been ended but he asked me how college was going and if we was still doing online lessons. I replied about college 3 days ago and he has not even read the message. Im not sure if this is because he has no intention of getting back with me so i do not matter. I understand I am not a priority anymore but we was chatting with quick replies before that. I just get mixed signals? Do you think he wants space or that this may bring back confusion about us so he took a step back? Or maybe hes saving the conversation for when we see eachother on Thursday (a week after texting)???
Hi Courtney.
Your ex is depressed and has pushed many people away. For that reason, he needs to work on himself before he’ll be able to have good relationships with others. At the moment, he has no intention of getting back together because he’s not happy yet. You must give him space and not contact him anymore.
You got your stuff back, so you can just do no contact and keep getting over him. Depressed guys have a lot of internal work to do, Courtney. It’s best you give him space and time to do that.
Whenever you feel tempted to reach out, remember that he’d given up on himself and the relationship a long time ago and that you can’t help him with that unless he develops the will to improve it.
Best regards,
Zan
My ex, when we dated used to ignore me during conflict because he wanted to talk in person and I was the only one driving. He would ignore me until I drove the hour drive to “fix” things. Only to be yelled at and usually I left with my tail between my legs.
He is an alcoholic and I can’t tell if just toxic or worse.
It’s been a few months since I had heard from him and so I checked in, very silly!!!!!! He wanted me to come over, I passed out drunk and woke up half naked.
I left in tears, he apologized and when I texted my feelings and asked for clarification he ignored me.
So I get it, he’s done with me, but wow! That was hurtful beyond! Now he sends a random “sweet dreams” and then ignores again.
The most exhausting roller coaster of all time! And I ruminate! So terribly!!!!!
Hi Amy.
I hope that you end things with your ex for good. He’s just not a healthy and reliable partner and will not let you grow as a person. He’ll hold you back. So gather up the courage to say no to him if he invites you to his place or wants you back.
Best,
Zan
Hello Zan!
I met an amazing man! or so I thought! I was dating this man for about 6 months. He was very busy in the day to text me and so was I. The last time we met we did not argue but it was a conversation that did not go well. After that conversation I decided to cut off all kinds of communication. I blocked it for more than two weeks, and it was less than a month since everything happened. Just on Tuesday he texted me and asked me in my native language (Russian) “Hello, how are you?” which I answered in my native Russian language “fine and you?”
It’s been three days and I still haven’t heard from him. While we were dating I was never clear with my feelings, I never told him that I liked him, but I know that his attitude is his problem, not mine. But I miss it lol
Hi Oxana.
Many couples break up at the 6th-month mark. They get to know each other and get used to each other, so they argue, lose feelings, or experience various issues.
The person you dated probably only wanted to see if you’ll respond to him. It’s possible he knew you blocked him. You have to decide what you want, Oxana. Do you want to talk to him, get back with him, or cut off all communication? Whatever you decide, make sure you stick with your decision.
Kind regards,
Zan
my ex wife left me over a year ago. I won’t go into great detail re the circumstances as thats for another conversation stream.
the thing I struggle with and find difficult to understand is twofold.
why she calls me when she could just send me a message or email?
why when she messages me she shares with me what is going on with her albeit in a veiled sense, what i mean is why do i need to know that stuff?
If anything i miss her terribly and want to know more and want to stay open to conversation with her but what ultimately happens is that she will shut it down and disappear
My goal is to remain open to her but i have to say that it hurts a lot. Ive had thoughts of setting boundaries around communication but fear that will shut it down for good
Hi Satire.
It seems that your wife is still used to speaking with you. She considers you her friend, which is why you mustn’t settle for friendship. You deserve more, so stop all communication with her. She won’t like it, but she’ll respect you more because she’ll see you know what you want.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan
I get it I really do, I can even predict what I should be doing now at one year down the road but it’s so hard. Our separation was out of the blue for me and I can’t say why only that I never conceived this could happen. I must have had my head buried for what I perceived to be external reasons as to why we weren’t gelling in our relationship anymore. I hoped with time circumstances would change. Because I was completely blindsided and very hurt I quit my job and moved to another town. We share custody of our kids which complicates matters. I would just like to start feeling ok again but struggle with the thought to this day that it’s really over
Hi Satire.
Breakups take time to get over. I’m sure you’ll get over yours if you take it seriously and improve the things you need to improve. Working on yourself will boost your self-esteem and make your next relationship better because of it.
Take it one step at a time and you’ll get there, Satire,
Best regards,
Zan
Hi,
I was in a relationship with a guy for 3 months but he broke up with me for various reasons. He asked me if we could be friends and I agreed thinking he’s a good person. He has been constantly reaching out but I noticed a pattern wherein he would seen zone me in the middle of our conversation even if I asked a question. He has not reached out to me for two days now and I feel he only does so when he’s free, bored and if it’s convenient for him but whenever he ‘s busy he ignores me. I know I shouldn’t feel bad but I find what he is doing is rude and he’s using me. I was planning to tell him how I feel but realized it won’t change anything but on the other hand I feel that if I don’t say anything he will abuse and continue what he is doing. Is this a narcissistic behavior on his part? Do you have any more advice aside from what you shared in this post? Or are there things that could help me move on from the hurt aside from the heartbreak from breaking up? Would appreciate it. Thank you!
Joyce
Hi Joyce.
I don’t think it’s narcissistic behavior, but I do think that he has very little respect for you and that you should stop your friendship. This can hardly be called friendship as friends respond to each other. So don’t tell him how you feel about his disappearing behavior and just stop talking to him. When he reaches out, ask him not to contact you anymore, and that’s that.
Go no contact, Joyce. It’s the solution to all your problems with this guy.
Kind regards,
Zan
This was an absolutely wonderful article, and just what I needed. I have never been one to be vindictive or seek out revenge. I always reply. I made the mistake of asking questions, and not receiving answers from my friend as to why they were ignoring me. I even tried to ignore back, and it only made me feel so much worse. While I don’t have a religious affiliation, I would have to say that Jesus is probably my idol. I am not really a Christian, but I do believe he existed. And I believe he would forgive people who have slighted him, and I believe he would show decorum. And so that is what I try to do. If my friend sends me an email, and it seems flippant, I let it go. If my friend is genuinely asking about me, I will reply but keep it short. And I always try to ask how things are on their end. Whether they reply to me or not, it’s really up to them and holds no weight upon me. The only thing I have to be aware of, and conclude is that I am always kind when I finish.
I appreciate everything leading up to the advice that you have typed here, please don’t ever listen to people who are so desperate for only a solution without reading what causes the issue. And I hope you will keep writing wonderful articles.
Hi Marina.
I’m glad you enjoyed the article. Remember that you needn’t take the high road for the people who mistreat you. You take it for yourself because that’s how you want to treat others. It’s who you want to be, so always reply to them and feel free to ask them questions. Do so in a way that depicts self-respect because that will allow you to grow.
Kind regards,
Zan
So this is very like a situation I find myself in regularly, me and my ex broke up a long time ago, close to 10 years ago and we were very close, she broke up with me as I lost my way and didn’t show any of my love for her and shut off from her, I have had to live with that for many years and have tried consistently to get her back, about a year ago I took my chances once again and actually got a response and we started talking and catching up which was great but then all of a sudden the txts stopped, I didn’t push the matter but I didn’t contact her again, after a few mo this she contacted me out of the blue which again prompted some catching up, this time I suggested meeting up and she told me no and that we would never get back together again, her heart wouldn’t be in it, due to the hurt over the years i politely explained to her that every time we speak and she disappears I have to go through that hurt all over again and I didn’t want to speak anymore to which she respectfully accepted, less than a month later she contacted me again and because I don’t want to be rude to her and still have strong feelings for her I replied and again started talking, this time she became rather flirty with me and started bringing up some of our ‘personal moments’ which I found rather odd, we spent about a week voice messaging for a few hours everyday so I decided to ask her out for food to which she responded with an ‘ask me again tomorrow’ we continued voice messaging for the remainder of the night until we both went to sleep, the next day I did what she had asked and asked her again….. she never replied
I haven’t contacted her since
I don’t understand what I have done wrong, but again I have to go through the hurt, even worse this time as it gave me more hope than I have ever had since we broke up
Hi John.
It’s not about what you’ve done wrong, but about your ex’s feelings. She hasn’t been able to redevelop them for you. I think she messaged you recently only because something made her emotional.
You need to explain to her not to reach out anymore so you can finally heal. At the moment, she doesn’t care or know that she’s hurting you, so be more direct and stand up for yourself.
Best regards,
Zan
Just go direct to the point of what we should do if ex text then ignore. No need for long poetic pointless trash talk.
Thanks for the feedback, Jasson.
I’ll keep that in mind.
Zan
My mom I want her to stop talking to me right now and to stay out of my room and for her to stop with her stupid bug and parasite nonsense there is none she has a mental illness and I would like her to make an appointment to see a therapist she has a doctor and she doesn’t even tell her doctor she has a mental illness.
Hi Jeremy.
Try to be as supportive as you can be. I know it’s exhausting for you, but it’s difficult for her as well – more than it is for you.
Hang in there!
Zan