Everyone is aware of the consequences of ignoring a boyfriend, girlfriend or just about any living person.
If you’re thinking whether you should ignore your ex to get him or her back, allow me to clarify when and why you should not ignore your ex when you want him or her back.
Although this article is written from a female perspective, it applies the exact same way to both genders.
Let’s first look into what ignoring your boyfriend or girlfriend does in a normal romantic relationship.
Ignoring your boyfriend
Imagine this. You’re in a relationship with your partner and you get in an argument.
Your boyfriend becomes angry at you because of something you did or said, so you distance yourself from the situation.
You start thinking to yourself “If I ignore my boyfriend, reject his calls and disregard his texts, my partner will come running back to me like greased lightning.”
If you’re doing this to your boyfriend, please be aware that the trick you are performing on your partner is a very dangerous one.
By making your boyfriend jump through burning hoops, you are figuratively speaking playing with fire.
When you ignore your boyfriend and expect him to come running back to you, you are playing a devious, strategizing game.
Without fully being aware of what you’re doing, you are essentially abusing the push-pull technique—in other words—manipulation to get his attention.
If you are in a relationship and you’re performing this underhanded trick, you need to stop. Ignoring your boyfriend’s calls and texts is bad news for you and your romantic relationship.
This sly trick deprives your partner of his significance and leaves him starving for attention and recognition.
Moreover, once you’ve stopped ignoring your boyfriend and got back on talking terms, he will be relieved you are communicating with him again.
As a result of being pulled back in, he will feel extremely exhilarated.
Even though your boyfriend will be ecstatically excited to have your attention again, getting back together by ignoring him after an argument causes huge problems for every working relationship.
Your partner will initially love being back in your arms and feel safe, but not forever.
This is especially true if history keeps repeating itself (which it normally does).
When you ignore your boyfriend to win an argument, you coincidentally create fear, anxiety and trust issues that cannot be fixed with time alone.
Ignoring him also raises blood pressure, instills doubt through intimidation, brings out any deep–rooted insecurities and hinders the relationship.
Overlooking your partner for the sake of getting your way and forcing your belief on him is wrong and unbelievably manipulative.
As long as this kind of scheming is going on, the relationship cannot, will not and should not be continued.
Ignoring him is really, really bad. I can’t highlight this enough.
When somebody ignores you on purpose, you feel rejected and belittled. Your self-esteem plummets significantly and you feel abandoned and overwhelmed (similarly to what you feel when you get broken up with).
The more often you ignore your partner, the more you hurt your significant other.
Hurt, unfortunately, doesn’t develop attraction. It’s quite the opposite. Getting hurt continuously due to repeated ignored calls and messages, time after time creates doubt and helps a person detach.
Too many lows (ignoring a person) without enough highs (watering the relationship) means the relationship is heading for imminent doom.
Even if you ignore your boyfriend only once a month or so, it’s still shocking and unacceptable. After you’ve ignored a person you care for, it can take 100 times as long to get him or her to trust you again.
And once the trust has been rebuilt, you must never, ever ignore this person again.
Even if you ignore a person with extremely low self-esteem, he or she will sooner, rather than later get tired of feeling disrespected and call it quits.
This means your boyfriend will get fed up with being ignored and either break up with you or do something to completely violate your trust—such as cheat on you or disrespect you in a similar fashion.
So remember that detachment and distress bring about the end of any romantic relationship.
Should I ignore my ex to get him back?
If you’re looking for ways to get your ex back and you’ve come across different ways to get back together with your significant other, allow me to explain why ignoring your ex-boyfriend is wrong on every possible level.
Ignoring your ex-boyfriend’s texts, calls and attempts to reach out is not going to get you anywhere.
When your ex-boyfriend texts you, he expects to hear from you and see how you’re doing. It may only be a breadcrumb (your boyfriend checking up on you), but it doesn’t mean you should show you’re hurt or angry beyond belief.
If you do, it would only further augment his decision to stay broken up with you and go back to what he’s doing.
When you want to become the best version of yourself, ignoring your ex-boyfriend doesn’t sound, look or even feel right.
Not only are there a lot of negative stigmas associated with ignoring an ex-boyfriend or just about anyone, but it’s also destructive to yourself and your own healing.
Resorting to such underhanded tactics to get him back is wicked for you as well as for your ex-boyfriend.
He may really hate being ignored and might even feel rejected, but that doesn’t imply that he will want to get back together because of that.
Your ex will not feel as abandoned as you did when you got broken up with. Dumpers don’t experience emotional outbursts to such high degrees.
If you ignore your ex during no contact, he will think less of you and might even lash out.
Of course, it doesn’t mean you’re responsible for his behavior. That would be preposterous.
Only he can take responsibility for his reactions. You are, however, the perpetrator of his impulsive actions.
Dumpers are irrational, impulsive and detached after the breakup. This means that ignoring him could indirectly force your ex-boyfriend to burn all remaining bridges and do something he and you will regret.
Ignoring people can make them act crazy and destroy whatever is left of their relationship with you.
From a psychological, practical and ex-back perspective, I really don’t understand how anyone could advise you to ignore your ex to get him back.
It’s devious and completely lacking in understanding of human behavior.
Whenever you’re in doubt whether you should ignore your ex-boyfriend to get him back, here are a few questions to ask yourself:
- is it morally the right thing to do?
- is this how I want to treat and be treated by him and others?
- what will ignoring my ex-boyfriend accomplish?
- how will rejecting his messages and calls create the spark I need to get him back?
- do I want to exploit my ex-boyfriend’s vulnerability to get him back?
- why would he be vulnerable right after the breakup when he is having a great time without me?
Should I text my ex back or ignore him?
Now that you know that ignoring your ex-boyfriend is a manipulation scheme, let’s look at some healthier alternatives to obtain his respect.
Instead of resorting to ignoring, rejecting and manipulating, text your ex back in a non-needy, confident way.
When your ex contacts you first, text your ex-boyfriend in a way that mirrors his behavior and expresses moving on.
Examples on how to text your ex-boyfriend:
Eventually, your ex-boyfriend will probably stop texting you and disappear for a while again.
So try not to worry about that too much as it’s completely “normal.” Ex-boyfriends don’t usually want to get back together right away when they first message you—unless they get in a rebound relationship or if something horrible happens to them.
They normally contact you to see if you’re still caught in their web, love them and if it’s safe for them to come out of their hiding.
Knowing your ex could reach out just for a quick chat, you should always keep your anxiety under control by setting your expectations low and your confidence high.
Exes don’t usually come back right away so don’t expect that your first conversation with your ex-boyfriend is going to be magical and bring him back.
Contrarily, it will probably feel inauthentic and awkward.
My ex reached out and ignored me!
Oftentimes dumpers reach out, ask or talk about something and completely vanish again.
This kind of behavior is more common than you may think. Dumpers could reach out just to test the waters.
They don’t necessarily wish to engage in a conversation with you, so they do it just to see how you’ll react.
Here’s a severe example of breadcrumbing.
When your ex leaves you a message and disappears, you will likely feel anxious and analyze every letter down to the punctuation.
You will think to yourself, “Why is he ignoring me? Did I do something wrong?“
If this happens to you, do your best not to panic. It’s not about what you did wrong, but rather about what your partner thinks and feels.
You must remember that you are not in control of his thoughts, so continue moving forward as you were up to the point when you got messaged and ignored by your ex-boyfriend.
Ignoring your ex-boyfriend’s texts to get him back
If you ignore your ex-boyfriend in no contact, you’re not going to achieve anything.
Things between you and him are going to stay exactly as they are.
Here’s an example of this thesis.
If you’re thinking whether you should ignore your ex or text back, here’s a question from me to you.
How is ignoring your ex-boyfriend in no contact going to show him you’re no longer hurt or dying for his attention?
Not only does it show you are angry at him, but it also leaves everything exactly as it is.
Your ex-boyfriend won’t suddenly realize he wants to get back with you. Far from that.
He will think of you the exact same way as he did prior to the breakup.
Actually, forget about that. When you ignore him, you appear grumpy and sullen which means that he will think of you even worse!
You are ignoring him so he’s likely thinking, “Wow! Here I am, trying my best to talk to her and she ignores me. You know what? I’m so glad we’re done!“
If you ignore your already angry ex-boyfriend, it will only make things worse.
Anger + anger ≠ happiness. It’s quite the opposite. You will create that which you fear the most.
Anger.
So if you want your ex-boyfriend back and you’re wondering whether to ignore him or text back, think twice or even thrice before you disregard and disrespect him.
Even though texting him back right away won’t cultivate immediate results, it will at least open him up to new possibilities.
The dangers of ignoring your ex’s calls
One of the only times when you “can ignore your ex-boyfriend” is when you don’t want him back.
If you care about your karma, tell him you no longer wish to be in touch with him and ask him not to contact you anymore.
A mature individual will understand and give you the space you ask for.
If he continues to message you repeatedly like a crazy ex-boyfriend, however, try not to resort to blocking or ignoring.
As I mentioned earlier, people despise being belittled in this way and your ex-boyfriend doesn’t deserve it (even if he left you in the most brutal way imaginable).
Your ex-boyfriend will eventually cease his relentless barrage and find different ways to ease his anxiety.
So be sympathetic to him and be the bigger person no matter the circumstances.
If you show him you’re a good person with self-control and sympathy, your value as a human being is going to rise significantly.
There is no better way to increase your worth than by forgiving your enemies—or your ex-boyfriend.
People who tell you that you should ignore your ex-boyfriend to get him back are either people with incredibly low moral standards or people who think you should return the pain your ex-boyfriend has inflicted on you.
If your ex-boyfriend left you in pain, chances are you want him to suffer.
I would advise you to let karma deliver its finishing blow on your ex-boyfriend so that you don’t have to get your hands dirty.
Deep in your betrayed heart, you know you wish to be better than him. That’s why ignoring him and his texts during no contact is only going to make your situation much more difficult for you in the long run.
Ignoring your ex-boyfriend will:
- leave you with a bad taste in your mouth
- put bad karma on your hands
- create the “what ifs” in your mind
- slow down your recovery process by holding on to resentment and manipulation
- prevent you from finding out what he wants
- disable the ability to get back with him in the future
- slow down your process of becoming the best version of yourself
As Isaac Newton’s third law says; for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
This means that whether your actions are tangible or in some other form, they are not avoidable and must, therefore, eventually be faced.
Everything you say and do will ultimately come back around to you.
If you ignore your ex-boyfriend and his texts or calls, you shape your persona in a negative way.
In other words, you become the person you associate yourself with. In your case, you become the person who thinks ignoring your ex-boyfriend or somebody that has hurt you is acceptable.
You become what you think about
earl nightingale
You’re here because you’re wondering whether you should ignore your ex-boyfriend to get him back.
If you are unsure about what to do, put yourself in your ex-boyfriend’s shoes. Would you want your texts ignored if you dumped yourself and finally reached out to your ex during no contact?
The time during the breakup is the time for you to heal and develop yourself into somebody you will be proud to be.
By ignoring the calls and texts from your ex-boyfriend, you are not becoming the person you should become.
You become more like your ex or someone even worse.
My magic words for self-improvement
When I was going through my breakup, I haven’t received a lot of useful advice from my friends and family.
Everything I was told and advised revolved around my ex.
They said things like; “Forget her, move on, ignore her existence, you will find someone better,” etc.
Although I appreciate their concern for me and my well-being, I really only needed to hear two words which changed my life significantly.
I heard them from my mother. She said, “Be better.”
Suddenly, everything made sense. As I sat down and put more conscious effort into these two words, everything started falling in place.
Slowly I began working toward becoming a better person. The first goal I set out to achieve was to get rid of my anger I felt toward my ex.
When I accomplished that, my need for vengeance waned and I could finally take the step in the right direction.
The right direction for me was the path that showed me how to be better than my ex was.
So what direction are you moving toward?
If you aren’t sure whether you should ignore your ex-boyfriend’s texts, calls, voicemails, friendship requests or anything, do what I did.
Tell yourself to be better and I guarantee that nothing will make you happier than realizing you truly are the better human being.
By no means am I saying you should compete with your ex-boyfriend.
You don’t have to do that as the only person you are competing with is yourself.
The person you were on the day of the breakup and the person you will have become months or years from then should be your ultimate goal.
If you focus on personal development, your ex will soon fade in comparison to you anyway.
No contact isn’t ignoring
It’s possible that you’re in no contact and you’re wondering if no contact is some sort of a game similar to ignoring your ex-boyfriend.
If you are, please be aware that no contact is not a game.
You are in no contact to heal and hopefully move on from the past.
Ignoring your ex-boyfriend’s texts and calls, on the other hand, is vengeful and harmful for both of you, so I would advise you not to go that route.
When you ignore texts from your ex, you deliberately refuse to acknowledge his presence, outreach, and overall worth.
No contact is following a self-restricted rule while ignoring him is a dishonest attempt to hurt him enough to care.
Exes, unfortunately, don’t care about you very often after the breakup, so when you ignore your ex-boyfriend to feel something toward you, you only end up pushing him even further away.
It’s really common sense.
Try ignoring your best friend for a week or two and see how he or she reacts.
Something tells me that your friend won’t care any more about you than your ex-boyfriend will.
That’s because ignoring a person who wants to talk to you destroys trust and respect.
As for ignoring your ex-boyfriend who doesn’t care about you, it will only make him want you less and anger him more.
Ignoring your ex in no contact
Because of some of the worst breakup experts on the internet, dumpees believe they must ignore their ex-boyfriend for 30 days and starve their ex enough to get him back.
This is really a crazy idea as it does nothing but harm.
Exes detach before the breakup and will often not come back in 30 days.
That’s because 1 month is not enough time for someone to change his or her perception of you.
It took your ex a long time to see you in a certain negative way, so it will likely take him very long to have a change of heart.
If your ex reaches out during the initial 30 days and you ignore him, you must already know what that does by now.
If you don’t, I’ll tell you what usually happens.
When you ignore the dumper, he gets angry toward you.
Now, you may have become sad when your ex dumper ignored you and left you behind, but your ex-boyfriend certainly won’t.
Dumpers are usually cold and distant right away, but when you ignore them, they become angry.
So when you ignore your ex, you can say goodbye to your post-breakup chances of reconciliation.
Especially if you follow some silly 30-day no contact advice.
No contact is there for you to heal and to give your ex enough time to realize what he wants.
If you really want to anger him, I’m sure you can think of 100 better ways to really annoy him.
But whatever you do, don’t ignore him to get him back. Almost any other advice will probably work better.
When can I ignore my ex-boyfriend?
Here are the only exceptions to when you can and should ignore your ex-boyfriend.
1)Your ex-boyfriend is insulting you
It goes without saying that you should definitely ignore your ex-boyfriend’s texts and calls if he’s insulting you.
Tell him you don’t wish to talk to him as long as he’s acting rude and insulting toward you.
Once you’ve done that, feel free to ignore his texts.
Ignoring your ex-boyfriend should be an option only when you have no other options but to pull away for your own safety—as well as his.
A person engulfed by rage is a person who needs to be helped or left alone.
Sometimes infuriated people don’t have the capacity to help themselves, so all you can do is stand back and let them cool off.
If your ex-boyfriend is one of those people, I suggest you let him figure out why he’s acting in demeaning ways and let him be.
Don’t retaliate to fire with fire or even with ice. If he has gone ballistic, not even 161.8 million km² of the Pacific Ocean’s water is going to quench his flames.
2)Your ex-boyfriend is spreading rumors about you to your mutual friends
Not only should you ignore your ex-boyfriend’s provocations, but you should also stay away from anyone that is taking his side (at least for a while).
People tend to believe the first person’s lies until they realize they are lying.
If your boyfriend is talking badly about you, don’t think you need to deny the rumors and fight back.
Instead of doing that, just brush the rumors off and laugh about them.
3)Your ex-boyfriend became uncontrollable
Sometimes ex-boyfriends act impulsively crazy and out of control.
If your ex is acting erratically, ignore his texts, words and actions and get him the help he needs.
Inform whoever should hear about his behavior (friends, family, local authorities, suicide prevention line) and step back from the situation.
4)You are afraid for your safety
If your ex-boyfriend is threatening, stalking and abusing you in any way, shape or form, follow the methods in the previous point and do whatever it takes to guarantee your safety.
Whenever you feel threatened, feel free to ignore your ex completely and worry exclusively about yourself.
Here’s an example.
5)When talking to your ex is hurting you
If your ex is talking to you and you can’t stop worrying and feeling anxious, it might be in your best interest to you avoid his breadcrumbs altogether.
Sometimes ex-boyfriends talk about their new girlfriends and how deeply in love they are with them.
If your ex does that and you feel miserable as a result of his happiness, it might be best you step back and ignore your ex-boyfriend.
If you decide to ignore him, tell him you are happy for him and stop initiating conversation.
Also, if you start talking again, try not to show any interest in your ex-boyfriend, so that he doesn’t start mentioning his girlfriend and things that make you depressed.
6)You want to move on
Sometimes we realize our exes weren’t so amazing after all, so we decide it’s time we move on and leave it all behind us.
We don’t need to directly ignore our exes to convey that message, but we can tell them in a respectful manner.
Ignoring your ex is a choice, not an option
If you’re still thinking about ignoring your ex-boyfriend to get him back or to move on, go through these last points and make a final decision.
To recap, here are a few questions to ask yourself:
- does ignoring your boyfriend go against your moral values?
- are you okay with bad karma and negative stigma?
- could it make him angry and act spontaneously?
- is your health or your boyfriend’s health currently at risk?
- are you happy with things staying the way they are?
- will ignoring or not ignoring him prevent you from moving on?
- does it give your ex the opportunity to see your personal growth?
- can ignoring your ex-boyfriend burn all bridges?
As we mentioned before, every action has consequences and so does ignoring him to get him back.
Whether you decide to ignore your ex-boyfriend’s texts and calls or reply back, the ultimate decision is yours to make.
Just be aware that what you decide to do will become a part of who you are.
Did you ignore your ex or do you want to because you want him or her back? Let me know what you’re going through by commenting below.
So I’ve been in a friends with benefits for a half a year after being together for 6 months and have started to learn about her avoidant attachment style as we have gone a long. I have asked for more, and we have slowly been in a “can’t give each other what we want” place for awhile. I want a relationship and she wants friends with benefits. After we went on vacation that was great, it pushed her to just being friends. She has tried, she doesn’t know how to love herself while loving someone. She never had time and space after her last long term relationship that was very verbally abusive. So I let her go, but she immediately started breadcrumbing me and said I’m her best friend and doesn’t know how she is going to loose me, but sexual stuff as well. That she trulydoes just need time to heal and be alone as she never got it after last relationship. She and I could tell she would pull away, not flirt well, be hot and cold, hate pressure, avoid conversation and growth. My problem is I fell for her, and I let her go that’s fine, but I have gone no contact for a week here… I havent told her I have. I didn’t respond to the last text. I did respond with I miss our relationship and our conversations to her I miss my friend… I would like to still see and talk to you as much as possible… But I didn’t respond with do you think you made a mistake. I left a bar she was coming to know she was coming. She texted I didn’t have to leave, and I didn’t respond.. a week later I did see her out and I nodded, but stayed away. I left, but I ended up coming back as I was not the sober driver as my excuse. I did not say hi, and neither did she, but her friend did come over to ask if there was some middle ground… I feel like I need to talk to her and tell her that I just need some time and space to be left alone. I want more so while the article makes sense I’m not sure I should be feeding her ego and wants to be friends when I want more. I feel like I should just let go and move on and if she wants more she can let me know. She has expressed as much, but staying friends in the meantime make me feel like I’ve stepped down after already kind of stepping back. She has said if and when I am ready to date I’m going to come asking for you and she understands that I cannot be friends right now. I’m just thinking that after this non-responses, and worse the no contact at the bar that I should have just simply been myself. The problem is I don’t want to be friends. I want more. So I’m trying to balance the issue.. I feel like I need to say I need no contact for awhile, but I don’t think I’d want to do anything down the road as friends… Only romantically. She’s pushing for friendship..
Hi Maxwell.
She wants to be friends while you want more. That means your needs and expectations don’t align right now and that you need to walk away. Don’t let her think friendship is the right thing to have. It’s not. As long as you’re hurting, you’re incapable of being just friends. I strongly suggest that you stay away from her and tell her you need space when she contacts you.
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan, I really hope you read this an reply back because I’m lost with words on what to do.
Me and my ex boyfriend were together for 3 years. We lived an 2 hours away from each other and ended up meeting in my home town where he was going camping. We instantly hit it off. We had some troubles in the past where I was struggling on deciding to move but I finally did. I took a huge leap by moving all the way up there to find out a year later he was confused on his feelings and didn’t know if he wanted a relationship. He told me he loves me so much our relationship is great we never argue just talk. He’s honestly my best friend because we got along so well. It’s been a week since I moved back home. He called me one day crying saying he missed me and that I felt like home. You’d think he realized he screwed up right? No he still stays he doesn’t know what he wants. He texts me everyday since I don’t answer him right away but he’s been so hot and cold. One day he’ll miss me and the next he’s asking if I’m with someone else. He works 12 hour days throught the week so I don’t know if he just gets worried but really it was his choice to break things off with me. I just don’t understand what to do I told him I don’t want to be friends because it confuses me but he can’t let me go. I wonder if a person is that broken up about something to where I feel like I have to comfort him on his decision, why doesn’t he just want to be together? Should I stop contacting him to let him know I can’t be in this confusing limbo of you miss me but don’t want to be with me, or continue talking to him?
If a girl leaves me, I don’t contact her anymore. If I happen to run into her, I completely ignore her, don’t make eye contact, pretend she isn’t there. If she comes to talk to me face to face that’s a different story. You can say you’re gone, etc and leave after.
If she reaches out by message, you can reply short and polite, don’t ask her out, don’t make any questions, don’t give the vibe you want her back, don’t make an effort to keep the conversation going.
That’s it.
Law 36 – Disdain things you cannot have, Ignoring them is the best revenge.
If a girl leaves me, I don’t contact her anymore. If I happen to run into her, I completely ignore her, don’t make eye contact, pretend she isn’t there. If she comes to talk to me face to face that’s a different story. You can say hi, that you’re fine, etc and leave after.
If she reaches out by message, you can reply short and polite, don’t ask her out, don’t make any questions, don’t give the vibe you want her back, don’t make an effort to keep the conversation going.
That’s it.
Law 36 – Disdain things you cannot have, Ignoring them is the best revenge.
He broke up with a second time, a year later from the first time. The first time I was in NC for over a month and he reached out, we did not get back together until about three months later and he said he will go all the way this time. Things went well, even before the first break up, we got along well. Our comfort with each other was easy and companionable.
A year later, this past June he broke up with a second time, he said he tried to love me but feels exhausted. That I deserve better and I was the best woman he has been with. None of this makes sense to me. His actions showed completely different. He also said this is not about another woman at all.
I was heartbroken more than the first time around. I know asking him why would not make a difference so I disconnected myself from communication and went totally silent. The week he broke up with me the second time he called but I did not answer. Over a month later I received a text from him saying “I have not called because just trying to give you some space could not help to text at least. are you okay?” I did not respond.. until a week and 4 days later saying in my response “I am well thank you. Best Wishes”.
So why did I decide to respond? After reading this blog. I know a lot of people would say I should forget him, that he broke up with me a second time, he’ll do it again, blah blah blah!! But I know what we shared. Of course I am super wiser, And yes I am still hurting. But I felt responding is the positive thing to do whether he realizes his big mistake and is kicking himself in the rear (smile) and wants me back or not. And yes, I will move on. I’m healing from the heartbreak one day at a time because I want my actions in this situation to shine forth gracefully. I could hate him, wish the worst for him, but that does not do any good for my growth in this situation. “Revenge is mine says the Lord!” Love those who hurt you and persecute you”. …..but don’t be a fool and keep allowing them to hurting you (that is my part I added)
Shalom!
Update…..he contacted me again this time from his work email saying “he misses me, that I am a good woman, that he struggles trying not to call me as he was honoring my wishes not to contact me.. that he was looking at pics from a trip we took together.. hoping I will allow him to see me one day…” etc…
It took me about 10 days to decide to reply not reciprocating the feelings, but agreeing that the trip was nice with fond memories, and hoping all is well with him.
I do miss him, but this man broke my heart twice, I cannot open up to him again that easily, and certainly not via email. Maybe the next contact from him will be a phone call.
His motives are questionable.
Life goes on for me, I have some moments when I think of him but I am healing with each passing day. I chose not to be dragged into his need for validation.
Hi there. Would you reply to selfies or direct Instagram stories? My ex has been intiating 100% contact last few weeks after I went into NC a year ago. All he sends me are selfies and stories. Not even text messages, and he probably sends these to multiple people. How do I even respond to a selfie? Thank you. :/
she just wants to show you how great she is without you
Hi Zan,
My ex contacted me last night 3 weeks into no contact. We’ve spoke once a week after the break up more in regards to collecting my stuff and he reaching out in an indirect way and asking what was new with me and hooked up once which I initiated (which I know isn’t right to do and we both agreed to not do it again) which was 3 weeks ago. We’ve now been split up about 6 weeks. We’ve had warm chat and got along like we used to when we did hook up.
He text me at 2:15am on so he must of been out and drinking.
The texts went as follows ‘Howdy Y’all’, ‘Ahh shit’ , ‘dm’ then ‘sorry’. I saw it but didn’t respond until the morning about 11am. I said to him ‘Howdy, whatsup y’all good?”. It didn’t send to him till like 6pm cause I was out hiking all day and had no signal. He then responded ‘Yeah I’m good’ and ‘Didn’t mean to message y’all’ . Then I responded ‘No worries, take care’. Then he sent ‘🤙’ and I opened the text and never responded.
What do you think the reason for this reach out was? Just to try hook up and see if I was out or do you think it was loneliness or just to see if I’d respond? I played it cool and didn’t try keep on the conversation as he clearly said he didn’t mean to message which I think is a lie. You’re advice would be great.
Hi Zan,
My ex said some nasty things when I last saw her. I told her she should only reach out if she wants to work things out. She said she wasn’t sure if she could, as I might be with someone and it would be ‘awkward’. 30 minutes after I left, I received a message saying she didn’t know how to say it in person, but she would contact me if she changed her mind, even in 20 years. She said she wanted to, but she didn’t want to promise something she didn’t know if she could deliver herself.
An hour later she sent, then deleted a text that asked my why I couldn’t just let it be like it was before. Why did I make things so awkward, how is she going to wish me merry Christmas, happy bday etc.
Four days later, she sent me another text in which she said, ‘Hey, I know hearing from me is the last thing you want now. She went on to apologize for something particularly nasty she said when I saw her last.
I felt like I had said and done everything I could which made me feel replying would reduce my worth even further and validate some very cold things she had said only four days earlier.
I now wonder if it was the right thing. No contact has continued for one month now.
Hi Rob.
Continue with no contact and let things unfold on their own. Your ex is responsible for reaching out in case she changes her mind. And that won’t change no matter what you’ve told her after the breakup.
Best regards,
Zan
I started no contact after I asked for a break but immediately regretted and did a lot of convincing but it didnt work he wants to stay friends and I told him I can’t as it’s too painful. I then went no contact and within a day I had a call but I left it as it would have hurt. After 5 days I’ve had another call and although I left it again I felt rude to ignore and that it will only push him more away. So I called back we spoke and I kept it very cheerful and happy never mentioned anything personal or about us. Call ended nicely too. I think the whole point of no contact is that you dont chase them and let them contact you n then respond as not responding as I’ve read a lot didn’t make sense to me if I want him to see I am no longer needy or waiting around for him. The only way he will see a happy moved on version of me is by speaking to me. I am trying to move on as I have little hope to get back together but it would be nice if this did happen. Any thoughts please.
Dear Zan, my ex suddenly called ten days ago, after three months of no contact. I missed the call because I was texting someone and was not quick enough to answer. I did not call him back because I was afraid to look desperate. He has not called again. Did I make a mistake not calling him back? Kind regards.
And today his mother called me all of a sudden after all those months of no contact. I answered the call, not realizing it was her. She asked me how I was. I sounded relaxed, told her I was doing fine. I did not ask about my ex and got off the phone quickly. I don’t know what to make of this but I am not attaching too much value to those two calls.
Great article, my ex an I broke up a year ago, he was the dumpee shortly after moving to a new country. A month after the breakup he would come to visit me atleast once a week, without any romance. Since a year there has not been more than 7 days where i have not seen him, he comes to my house we cook, talk and watch tv, again without romance. He is not from this country neither am I, I am choosing to leave the country in two months, because the progress into romance was taking a bit longer, i also find it difficult to be in a small city seeing him with other guys. He is in Maldives on vacation this week, but texts me every 3 days. Im not sure why he wants to keep me in his life without committing, i am getting bored of the situation, because life is too short. Today i wanted to ignore his text, but then read your article, i am a true believer in karma and putting things in the world that you want to attract. I am due to leave back to the country where we met, where i was born at the end of January, not sure what will have between that time.
Hi David.
Your ex probably wants to remain friends because it’s easy for him. It doesn’t hurt him to talk to you, so he will continue doing so unless you do something about it.
I suggest that you go NC and stay there until your situation changes.
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan. This article has me wonder if I made a mistake. I went NC with my ex this Feb, after a split last Dec. I didn’t give warning, I just stopped calling her. I had tried to explain I couldn’t be friends. When I went NC for the first I’d say, 3 months she was breadcrumming, not directly, but putting Facebook “memes” up concerned with contacting loved ones. In hindsight I recognise these were definitely aimed at me and likely spurred by her annoyance I wasn’t contacting her. Then her 305 birthday came. I didn’t send her anything. More internet memes appeared and I could tell she was angered by this. A few weeks later she blocked me.
And this is it, I’ve not heard since and it’s been, what 9, maybe 10 months of NC? These weren’t direct messages, but they were aimed at me. Should I have picked up the phone. Is my not reacting to these similar to ignoring a call? I always found it frustrating that she didn’t just pick up the phone. I suspect pride. Prior to my going NC I asked her why she never rang me. She replied that she knew I didn’t wish to be friends. It seemed almost defiant and perhaps childish.
I really don’t know what to do anymore. I actually sent her a card two minths ago wishing her well in a career move. I didn’t hear anything back. It’s the only time I broke NC. Not sending her a birthday card really made me feel awful. I just can’t get my head around never speaking to her again, even in a friendly capacity. It was 11 years. The only animosity between us post split seems to have been caused by reaction to NC. I toy with just sending her a message asking her how the new job is. It’s been almost a year now.
Cheers, Dave
Hi Dave.
Sorry for the late reply.
It wasn’t your turn to pick up the phone and contact your ex. You’ve also sent her a card a few months ago and she ignored it, so stay in NC.
I strongly suggest you don’t ask her anything. If she wanted to talk to you badly enough, she would have messaged you by now.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey Zan! My ex and I work at the same place, at a hospital. She was a nurse assigned to the Operating Room while I was an I.T. and because of that, we only see once in areas like the canteen or place people gather. She broke up with me 3 months ago. I did some post break up mistakes but decided to do no contact indefinitely. After 3 weeks going NC, she showed to where I was working, I was surprised and assumed she was getting something in there. We both made eye contact but I ignored her not because I want to, but because I did not know how to respond and just walk away thinking she was still mad at me. One of my co-workers approach her and she gave my pictures on him that was still on her. After thinking fully through it a day, I decided to tell her friend if we could talk because I was block in all platforms. Her friend just told me that she did not say anything after she told her. Im thinking it must be some kind of breadcrumbs from her but really cant figure it out. Do I try to continue NC or message her? Thank you
Hi Clark.
Wait for her to contact you directly. Don’t try to force a conversation before she’s truly ready—and stay in NC.
Kind regards,
Zan
I believe that if responding to an ex would inhibit someone’s healing process or open them up to further emotional trauma that they should ignore that ex- and the ex doesn’t have to be abusive, a narcissist, “any other vile adjective” kind of person either. I personally do not ignore people unless they are absolutely nasty or negative to me and if I know that responding will only add fuel to whatever they’re on. BUT I recently had an ex respond to my non emotional/non needy text that I sent 2 months prior. He didn’t inquire about anything in my life or mentioned any details in his. Most people may say and a couple of my friends did say that he was thinking about me, which is true- unless he butt texted me, he would of had to think about me first in order to text me. However, I do not feel the need to respond. “I’m good and happy for you” does not leave much for me to say, especially after 2 months.
I loved him dearly both as my man and as a very good friend, and I still love him, but I’m at the point in which I need to protect myself emotionally and I know that if I respond/reach out again as a friend, whether I like it or not I’m going to hope that he responds and it will be another hurtful blow if he doesn’t. So, while I do not usually ignore people, and I never ignored my ex, I feel compelled to ignore him, at least for now for my own protection and to help me to continue to heal.
I wanted to share my experience because it doesn’t only take a monster of a person to inflict pain on another. You, as in anyone that reads this, need to put your emotional and mental health first, not what your ex may think. If you can truly be friends later on then he should be able to understand that.
Also, I had an ex pursue me after years of us not talking- I didn’t ignore him, my phone number had changed. So I wouldn’t say that NC doesn’t work, I think it definitely depends on the quality of the former relationship and the kind of person that your ex is. However, I think if it’s done in order to manipulate your ex, you probably have more important things to worry about personally instead of getting an ex back.
Hi Taj.
You’re absolutely right. As a dumpee, you should always protect yourself. So if you reckon that ignoring him is safer for you and your healing, it’s definitely a good idea!
Thank you for your amazing comment!
Zan
What if they are simply sending you a selfie? Not even a hello, just a selfie out of nowhere.
Hi Evan.
Send a selfie back.
Best,
Zan
I broke up with my girlfriend one and half months ago. I was affected by her decision of dumping me so I confronted her and in return I got Blocked. So I went into no contact ( like I had a choice). I didn’t text her using other accounts. Then after a month, she unblocked me and sent me a ‘hey’ text. But I ignored her. Now I’m wondering if she’ll text me again?
Hi Yusuf.
She probably will unless she chooses to respect herself. That’s why you don’t ignore your ex.
Best,
Zan
Hello Zan,
first of all, I really want to thank you for this blog, for all the words that made me open my eyes. But now I need some advice and hope you can help me.
My wife and I have been together for 6 years, married for two. Three month ago we broke up. She said it was because of me, that I didnt treat her right, I was not nice enough to her and I worked way too long. Even though, she might be right with all of that, I had a feeling that there was more. I made some huge mistakes like begging and then insulting her. (what she did too) And I was right. A few days later she wrote me per WhatsApp (yes for real) that she fell in love with someone from work. That after the breakup she had kissed him and now knows she wants to be together with him. My world fell apart and I flipped. After a few days I felt like I didnt want to loose her for soneone like him. I searched days and nights how to get back with my ex. We talked everyday, even though I already left the flat and rented something on my own. The conversationen started to be more friendly and then we even gave us compliments, we wrote in the middle of the night and talked about our dates. Then she didnt wrote me back out of nowhere. I cried and broke down. I searched the internet what I could do. I was obsessed with the urge to know if he was just a rebound or not (they started dating not even one week after our breakup, he is the exact oppesite from me and they whrere flooding social media with pictures of them doing lots and lots of stuff together). Then 2 weeks later, out of nowhere she sent me a friendly email on my work, talking to me as if nothing happend and then said she would like me to pay half for the money she has to spent for the lawyer for our divorce. This hit me out of nowhere ( I talked about divorce before, but my hopes where so high I just pretend it would never happen)
I cried, very long. I got realy drunk. Then I began searching the internet again. And I found this blog. And I found myself in allmost every article. And it hit me like a truck. Why am I doing this to me? Why do I still think this is all my fault? And I thoght, why is this the only page that cares for the dumpee without telling them “you really need to change to get her back and then you should do this and that”, without considering how the dumpee feels. And I decided I couldnt do this anymore. And I wanted to do no contact.
The moment I decided this, she began writing me again. After reading this article I wrote her back, cause I really changed and am a nicer and better person now, even if it was for the wrong reasons in the beginning. And yes, I still have hope and I still love her and I still hope this is a rebound. But I cant do this to me anymore.
Now she started to send me pictures on Snapchat. Just pictures, where she looks really good. I dont know how to respond just to a picture? What should I say to her?
I hope you can help and thank you so much for all this grate articles and advices! You made me feel not so alone and opened my eyes!
Hi Marina.
Thanks for the comment! I’m glad you find the blog helpful.
AS for what you should do, reply to a picture with a picture and never ask her out. It has to be her idea to want more from you, but that likely won’t happen until her relationship breaks down.
Also, don’t get emotional when you’re conversing with her. Show her in a nice/respectful manner that you’re not waiting for her and moving on successfully.
Stay strong and try not to obsess too much. I know you’ll be fine with or without her, friend.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey Zan,
My ex sent me something very perculiar. After a week of NC, she sent me a news article about a video game we both used to play together and asked for my thoughts. At the time I was hurt by how casually she just sent me that message, I ignored her. However, looking back, should I have responded? She did contact me a few times before that and I replied polite and nice.
Hi Rob.
Ignoring a person is never a great idea. If you fear that your ex’s words and actions would hurt you, then ask her kindly not to message you anymore so that you can move on.
So replying back would have been the polite thing to do.
Best,
Zan
So you say to start dating and should I still respond to her breadcrums?
You should start moving on as soon as possible and dating others is a part of that. Don’t ignore your ex. See what she wants and continue with NC.
Zan
Thank you for the much needed advice. I might be wrong but I believe the bread crumbling is a good start in her wanting to get back together. One must be patient meaning me. I will stay in no contact until I hear from her again.
Hi Gary.
It can take a long time before she’s ready for more again. I wouldn’t wait around for her to have a change of heart. Move on successfully, start dating and you might not even want her back if she comes crawling back.
No matter what happens, everything is going to work out in the end.
Zan
I ignored my ex for I thought it was part of no contact until I read this article. The bread crumbs aren’t very nice and it gives one the impression that they want to get back together. My ex recently texted me and said that she misses me and I texted her back and said that I missed her too, and she texted me back and said Thank you. I haven’t heard from her since, but am wondering if I sounded too needy by saying I missed her. I believe I will hear from her again, and I won’t contact her until I do. Do you think I did the right thing. Your response if very important to me.
Hi Gary.
You’ve gotten a breadcrumb from your ex. It certainly doesn’t mean much when she doesn’t carry on with the conversation, but then again, you’d never know if you didn’t reply. You didn’t sound too needy when you replied with “I miss you too.” You simply reciprocated her actions. Don’t fret. Stay in no contact and try to keep your hopes low. She will message you again so don’t let her message ruin your health.
Kind regards,
Zan