I often hear people ask me a very common question “Does my ex want me to reach out first?
Maybe he’s just afraid I will start begging him to take me back. Or perhaps, he knows he’s hurt me deeply and is now afraid to come out of his shell?”
Before I get into more detail, I’d like to knock this common notion out of your head.
I know it hurts to hear, but when a person wants nothing more to do with you, he will make sure to show you that.
One of the easiest ways for your ex to convey that idea is to ignore or block you, reply concisely with delay, and get busy with different things.
These are some of the most obvious signs to look out forāwhether this person is your partner, ex, friend, family member or anything human. The only way to be sure of anyone’s intentions is to look at their actions.
Nobody wants to appear like a bad person, so your ex is first going to show disinterest. If that doesn’t make you very happyāand people often aren’t, you are most likely going to want to ask your ex a lot of questions and try to reason with him.
Every second you spend trying to elicit answers out of him, you only end up pushing him further away. Naturally, he will want to stay away from you, which will end up hurting your ego tremendously.
Before you end up making him feel absolutely repelled, you should realize that what you and your ex want are two completely different things. He wants space and peace while you crave for validation and intimacy.
Does Your Ex Want You To Reach Out First?
Since you probably tried talking your way back into the relationship with this person before and it failed miserably, what makes you think your ex wants you to reach out first?
Not only would it be self-demeaning, but it would also empower him greatly. You must understand that since your ex isn’t reaching out to you, he is happy as he is. This doesn’t give you the right to yell at him “here I am, talk to me!”
I know how it feels to feel rejected and belittled as if you never existed. Believe me, I do. Your self-esteem has taken a huge hit so you are desperate to hear from this person who is causing you this emotional torment.
You may have a lot of things to do in your life and it might feel as if your world is falling apart. All I can say to encourage you is to be strong. Your ex unquestionably wants you to remain strong and confident in yourselfā whether you are still together or not.
You might hear from your mutual friends that your ex is partying hard or dating other boys. She might even brag how great her life is now that you’re not in it anymore. Don’t let that discourage or take your self-worth away!
Nobody can take that away from you, but you (if you give it away). Remain strong and confident in your own worth and abilities. Reaching out to your ex first would prove quite the opposite.
The person on the calling end is always the one who is seeking something from the receiver. In your case, this would be you seeking love and validation. It doesn’t matter what you say, even if you make the topic about something completely unrelated to your relationship.
The fact that you are contacting your ex first means you want something from her. This puts her in a position of power and control and makes your value diminish severely in her eyes.
Dumpees who keep calling and begging after the relationship has ended, end up completely destroying their self-esteem.
My ex is tempting me to reach out
Sometimes I see exes post ambiguous lines or memes on their social media. My fellow dumpees interpret these as signs to reach out. Here are some examples of the things dumpers post:
- I’m really bored. I wish someone would talk to me
- They say your SO will never stop fighting for you
- #singlelife
- Happily single
- I never felt better
Other posts include pictures from the past that dumpees feel nostalgic about, such as locations, accessories, songs, and quotes.
Dumpees interpret these social media traps as a green light to reach out. What they don’t realize is that social media messages are not exactly what they seem to be when they are posted by dumpers. These social media traps are incredibly bad for the dumpees as their sole purpose is to extort more power.
On the other hand, if the dumper isn’t planning on trapping the dumpee, it’s usually just a random boasting/bored comment any person can put on their social media.
Because dumpees tend to overanalyze, they often think everything is directed at them. If you’ve read the 2nd paragraph carefully, you will realize this is not the case. Dumpers want freedom and space from you, so don’t fall for this rookie mistake. All of this can really be avoided by following a strict no-contact regimen.
Is it a trap or does my ex really want to talk to me?
Even if you are 100% sure your ex wants you to initiate contact first, why would anyone want to give their ex even more significance than they deserve?
The person who broke up with you has to be the one to start talking to you again. There’s no other way around it. The power dynamics are in jeopardy right after the breakup and your ex is well aware of that.
At some point, your ex must evenly distribute the power he’s held onto for so long. And there is no better way to do so, other than to contact you first.
Breakups are a huge power play. There’s no way you can have a working relationship with your ex if you think about messaging him/her out of nowhere weeks after the breakup, thinking your ex is going to be happy to hear from you. It doesn’t work that way!
Whether your ex is setting up traps or genuinely wants you to reach out, it doesn’t change much for you. As long as you’re living your life, sooner than later you will hear from him or her.
One who wants to talk to you will do so regardless of adversities he or she may have to encounter. You can’t have a normal conversation when you’re always on the chase after your ex.
Only when your ex-partner feels the need to speak to you is when you should respond to his initiations. Again, the only way to be sure your ex is ready is to wait for the message.
I have nothing to lose, so I’ll talk to her and see how it goes…
If you’re having these thoughts, I encourage you to look back when you gathered your courage and self-respect just to prevent yourself from reaching out. By contacting your ex, you would put all that hard work and personal development you dedicated to yourself since the breakup in great peril.
By initiating contact with your ex, you could find things you weren’t prepared to find. You could end up ignored, belittled, mocked, and badly hurt in the process. Even though it might have been weeks or even months since the breakup and you’re just starting to feel better, it can mentally set you back to day one in a heartbeat.
If you managed to stay in no contact for this long, don’t break it just because you want to tell your ex how she made you feel and that you want closure.
Your outreach to your ex is a big, big mistake. In retrospect, you end up sacrificing your own well-being to evoke validation from your ex-partner. When you do this prematurely (before your ex is ready) you will get the crudest, coldest reply you can think of. It’s always the opposite of what you actually want so you may as well stay in indefinite no-contact.
Were you tempted to reach out to your ex first because you thought your ex wanted you to? Post a comment below.
Hi Zan,
My husband who recently decided to leave me because I cheated (though I confessed my own self immediately and am remorseful/want reconciliation) first reached out with a vague text question last week, which I replied since he initiated it, then following that just asked if I could meet to āend thingsā. I felt it was rude to ignore his question so I responded by saying that I can meet to share my reflections, but not ready to end anything. Regardless he insisted on meeting by coming over and it ended up again with him just telling me his same decision that he wonāt take me back. Itās almost like he just wanted to meet me to say the same things even if it could be said through a text. I didnāt cry or act needy but told him my stand again that I would like to try to rebuild our relationship and did not want to sell our assets. He was visibly frustrated when I said I didnāt want to sell the assets and am not ready yet, and started saying certain threats. He was still clearly very angry. I did maybe act slightly needy towards the end wanting to walk him to the bus despite him saying no. Did I do wrong in this no contact rule? Should I have known better and just ignored his question and say sorry I canāt meet as I need space?
Hi X.
It looks like he wanted closure but didn’t go the right way about obtaining it. When you apologized, expressed the desire to work on things, and gave him power, he took advantage of it and hurt you. You didn’t make a mistake because you couldn’t tell he was going to act like this.
But from now on, stay in no contact.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
What if the last to reach out was my ex to tell me about she’s changing from job, but I screwed thing up by bringing up again the topic of our relationship and she got angry? Should I wait again for her to reach out or is it fine if after a NC period I try to reach out?
The firsts two weeks after break up she reached out giving me breadcrumbs and, but didn’t want to get back together. It’s being 3 months since break up and more than 1 month if NC.
Thank you, this website is helping me a lot to get over the pain although I keep hope of reconciliation.
Hi Robert.
You mustn’t reach out to your ex until she wants you back. Talking to her is only going to make things worse, so it’s her responsibility to contact you if she wants to speak and/or get back together. You just need to stay in NC and heal.
Kind regards,
Zan
ā¤ļø I needed this thanks n mahalos
Hang in there, Brian!
Hi Zan,
My ex has always been a more passive person and rarely reaches out to people first. We have been in no contact for almost 3 months but she reached out to me the other day just to tell me happy birthday, i said āthank you, i hope youāre doing wellā and then she liked my message. I have a strong gut feeling that she is going to want to talk to me again soon but i donāt know if sheās going to reach out or not. What do you think i should do?
Hi L.
Even if your ex is a passive person, she must initiate and show interest. You can’t start reaching out just because she wished you a happy birthday. Wait for her to want you back or to move on.
Best regards,
Zan
Never fall into these stupid traps set by your ex. All they want to prove is that they are desirable to stroke their ego. If they have treated you like shit before and/or after the breakup the more happy and confident about themselves the dumpers become. Dumpers will continue setting these traps untill you don’t fall for them for a consistent long time. I don’t think any dumpee wants to be perceived as the stupid ex looking for validation and being laughed at by the dumper and probably his/her friends.
If you are the dumpee it is not your job to reach out. It’s up to the dumper who decided to put an end to the relationship instead of working out the issues. If the dumper doesn’t reach out, it would be even better. Self respect is the most important thing. If you lack self respect, others will not respect you (your ex included). You have the power not to reach out. Use that power for your own health. This way you prove first and foremost to yourself and also to your ex that their absence doesn’t bother you. Never wait for an ex to reach out. Assume they never will and assume you never will either. This way you heal much quicker.
Hi Zan,
I have been reading all of your articles and feel very grateful that itās helped me through my most difficult time. My ex broke up with me about 3 months ago due to disagreement on my pregnancy. He feels like he canāt afford a baby in his life right now but I canāt go through with abortion. It was a very sad break up. I did beg him to stay at the moment of break up but went no contact directly the day after. I was reading articles on the 30 day no contact rule at that time and reached out to him at day 21( because the articles say you can check in at this time) I just told him Iām going on a long vacation, he asked me about my health, but when I mentioned the baby ultrasound, he says he canāt hear anything about it. He then proceeds to say he doesnāt know what to do and misses me every single day. I left the text conversation at that and left. 2 months later, we both showed up at a work event that neither of us really needed to go but I went hoping to see him. When I arrived I heard my friend tell me he was asking if iām coming. When he saw me, he did this awkward bee line but finally arrived in front of me and smiles nervously. I said hi and acted normal.i then went outside to get some fresh air, he followed right after and started to ask about how Iām doing, my 4 year old daughter, my work and even asked about the sex of the baby when I mentioned I did an ultrasound to find out. The following day he was the same, very attentive and asking a lot of questions, laughing at my jokes and constantly approaching me. However, itās been 5 days since we parted at the event and he hasnāt reached out again. Iām just wondering if if I did too good of a job being healthy, confident and happy that makes him( the dumper) feel happy for me that iāve moved on? And now heāll feel good to move on as well? I just really hope we get to have a private conversation heart to heart again for closure or reconciliation. I was so sure he cared about me the past week and was even sad to leave. But now I hear nothing.