In my opinion, breaking up because of cultural differences is one of the most neglected, yet hardest breakups out there.
As you may already know, 99.9% of all breakups are out of the dumpees’ control. So when you are dealing with a cultural breakup as a result of various cultural differences, breakups can’t really get much harder than that.
If you break up because of cultural differences, such as families disapproving of each other or parents disapproving of your boyfriend or girlfriend, it makes things 100 times harder.
Not only do you have your boyfriend or girlfriend giving up on you, but you also have a third party disapproving of you on top of that.
Depending on where you live, the society and the caregivers you grew up withâthe cultural differences can obstruct the relationship with your partner.
The differences in upbringing and overall lifestyle can be so distinct, couples can find it difficult to adapt to each other.
Couples can have different values, goals, routines, ambitions, wants and needs and anything that makes them human.
Despite a different history, couples oftentimes still get along very well. The clichĂ©âopposites attract works well in many situations, except for when you are dealing with the impossibleâthe family.
We broke up because of a disapproving family
In the Western part of the world, a man or a woman chooses his or her partner regardless of his or her parents’ opinion. At least most of the time, anyway.
If the parents disapprove of the relationship, the couple will often fight for their beliefs and separate themselves from the opposing forces.
In South Asia (India, Pakistan, Afghanistan…) as well as in other countries of the world, arranged marriages and cultural differences play a big role.
Men and women are oftentimes supported by their parents even past the age of an adult. This is one of the reasons why their fathers and mothers are looked upon as absolute parents with complete authority.
The parents of such cultures oftentimes have a first, second and final say in the family.
Of course, not every family disapproves of cultural differences and demands that the couple breaks up and finds someone else.
Some parents are much more open and accepting, while others are stricter with their rules and upbringing.
I suppose it comes down to the family’s ancestry and what its beliefs are.
If the family has strictly prohibited interracial relationships and marriages, it will likely stay that way until someone breaks that pattern.
The same story applies to when the family disapproves of different religions. For example, if the family has always married with a person of the same religion, opposing the family’s pattern and beliefs today could cause a huge disruption to the family.
Westerners would say it’s a very close-minded approach.
But unfortunately, some parents from different cultures and backgrounds don’t see it that way.
Families in some countries disapprove of ethical differences and expect their offsprings to follow their beliefs.
Caregivers may push their creeds and dogmas onto their kids from the very beginning without actually seeing it as pushing.
Some parents have expectations of their children in the way they had envisioned their environment. Their thoughts and beliefs solidify over the years of self-reinforcing.
They do this by following and forming certain belief patterns. As time goes on, these made-up beliefs become a part of them and they act based on what they think and feel is right.
To these parents, their kids following their parents’ will is simply the right way, as well as the only way.
Fighting with disapproving parents because of cultural differences
Going against your breakup and the parents’ principles of “morality” would oftentimes mean a breach of trust and a lack of respect.
The family could see this sort of behavior as lacking manners and obedience. As a result of disobedience, the family would, therefore, impose authority upon the “stray” individual.
If you broke up because of a disapproving family, there’s not much you can do. The person breaking up with his or her partner has to fight against his or her family’s beliefs and trust in his/her own faith.
For things to change for the better, you or your ex have only 2 options (depending on who broke up with who):
- Go against your families
- Wait for circumstances to change in the family (if they ever will)
My ex broke up with me because of cultural differences in the family
If you got broken up with because your ex’s parents advised your ex to do so, you, unfortunately, have only one optionâwait for circumstances to change.
The bond your ex has with his or her family is so strong, your ex chose to follow his or her family’s views on relationships and marriages.
This means your ex has prioritized his or her culture over his or her happiness, views, as well as feelings.
Because it was your ex’s decision to break up with you, the only reasonable thing left for you to do is to respect your ex’s decision, accept it and start moving on.
You may not like it, but there’s nothing you can do. Yes, it hurts to be abandonedâeven though someone else told your ex to do so.
Indefinite no contact rule is not going to save you from something that wasn’t even your ex’s idea in the first place.
You must understand that your ex most likely got tired of arguing with his or her parents about the same thing, every day until the cultural differences breakup occurred.
Now, when I say indefinite no contact won’t help you, I mean that it likely won’t help your ex change his or her mind about you.
If I’m honest, it’s not even about you. It’s about your ex and his or her parents, guardians or caregivers.
Whenever there is a third party involved (parents or a family), things are difficult to work around.
Whenever parents tell their son or daughter to break up because of cultural differences, that person is fighting a never-ending battle.
This endless battle is full of bickering and constant fighting back and forth.
Until eventuallyâalmost always, the dumper will decide to leave his or her partner and date someone “better suited” for him or her.
If you are in a similar situation, your only hope is that your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend comes to a sudden realization and stands up to his or her parents.
Unfortunately, you don’t have the right to oppose either your ex-partner or his or her family.
The best you can do is to show them you’re going to be okay and walk away from the people who don’t approve of you.
You can beg and cry to his or her parents to have a change of heart, but it likely won’t get you anywhere.
They are so convinced breaking up is the only way that nothing will influence them to change such deep-rooted beliefs.
It’s been scientifically researched and proven that beliefs and personality traits are difficult to change.
According to independent.co.uk, people over the age of 30 are more often than not mature individuals and posses fully-shaped personalities.
This implies that their personality traits have fully formed and will as a result likely remain the same or very similar in the following years.
The idiomâas stubborn as a mule definitely applies to middle and older generations since they are unlikely to change.
Lewis Goldberg, an American psychologist identified 5 factors of personality traits:
- extroversion
- agreeableness
- conscientiousness
- neuroticism
- openness to experience
These traits require conscious effort to change and grow.
The older a person gets, the more difficult it is for him or her to do some proper soul-searching and tap into their subconscious mind.
The truth is that it’s not impossible or truly incredibly difficult to change. The real problem is that people aren’t given a good reason to change their views and opinions, let alone their behavior.
For parents to change, something distressful has to happen to them. This can be anything that forces them to think about their thoughts and actions.
A distressing event can be anything traumatic that helps them cooperate and adapt.
What do you do when there’s a third party involved?
As you already know, fighting against parents that disapprove of you dating your ex is not going to get you anywhere.
The most you can do is ask your parents to be open-minded for a minute and tell them how and why you believe the breakup shouldn’t happen.
Convey your opinion in a cool, collected manner and stand firm by your belief. If your parents disagree despite your efforts, you will have known you’ve done your best.
On the other hand, if your ex’s parents are the ones disapproving of you, it’s not your job to run to his or her parents’ house and cause havoc.
You must remember that your ex broke up with youâso it should be your ex’s decision to convince his or her parents.
And if he or she never does that, your ex chose to comply with the family’s rules. In other words, your ex chose not to fight.
Just like any breakup, the cultural differences breakup’s dynamics are not any different from other breakups.
The person who gets broken up with must respect the dumper’s decision and leave him or her completely alone.
Pushing, begging, pleading and pestering is only going to bring about more negative results.
The regular cultural differences breakup
The last but not least is the regular cultural differences breakup with no third parties involved.
This breakup occurs when the dumper breaks up with his or her boyfriend or girlfriend because of too many differences in the relationship.
The dumper pulls the plug on the dumpee as a result of too many incompatibilities and essentially, refuses to adapt.
The breakup caused by cultural differences normally befalls early on in the relationship when the couple is not yet firmly attached to each other.
In reality, it’s similar, if not the same to any “normal” breakups. Couples breaking up because of cultural differences don’t get along very well or can’t accept each other’s backgrounds.
In such cases, just like in our everyday breakups, you can start following the indefinite no contact rule and begin the healing process.
And if your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend has an epiphany one day, you will hear from your ex once he or she has processed the breakup.
But until that happens, stay in no contact and keep healing.
Have you broken up because of cultural differences or do you know someone who has? Have I left out anything important? Please leave a comment below.
I broke up with my girlfriend last week for the very same reason. I broke her heart and mine because my family would not approve of her. Iâm Iranian currently living in Amsterdam. She was living in Paris, she came to Amsterdam for our first date, great chemistry and everything was just wonderful and perfect. Because she had a different ethnicity our families had a different way of thinking about relationships. But we got along just perfectly and I could talk to her about absolutely everything because I loved talking to her. She was so amazing and I definitely had my best days of my life with her. I fell in love with her and talked with my family about her, but they just didnât think it was the right thing and for reasons, I could not be the guy that could stand in the fight. No matter how much I was explaining how happy I am with her, it was pointless and I knew theyâre not gonna change their believes. I borke up with her because it was the right thing to do otherwise I wouldâve just hurt her more in future when time passes. So I decided to end the relationship although I am feeling horrible and I miss her so much! She could not take this in any easy way and everytime I saw her tears It broke my heart đ I wanted to go to Paris for a last meet but she insisted that I donât because she could not see me knowing this was the last time. Itâs been a week and It is painful to think about the fact that I wonât see her again! I honestly donât think their beliefes ever change but I can keep hoping someday circumstances change. In fact I donât think I can get over her at all. She was my queen and will always be my queen. Iâd love if I could see her beautiful eyes one more time if she ever wants to see me again!
Hello S4!
This was heartbreaking to read what you and your sweet heart went through.
I was searching for the same question on the internet and i found this answer of yours. All i can say that at the end, this is you who have the responsibility of your own happiness and this is not wrong if you do something against your family will if itâs worthy this much!( i can see how deep it was through your words, although Iâm not sure how deep is it in your heart). Wish you guys can get along somehow.
Im in the same issue she was from vietnam, broke up with me suddenly the past thursday, apparently i donk like her father at all, and beside that im evangelic, I told her that was fine, that could change religion if was necessary and she agree, dont know what to say, want to see ger or at least talk to her again just one more time, I really miss her
Listen to Zan here. He’s dead on accurate with this topic.
If you’re a Western male steeped in Western values who aspires to something long-term with a Chinese female from an upper-tier family, you don’t have a prayer unless you’re from an elite family and even then, that’s uncertain. The individualist nature of Western culture clashes too strongly long term with a female steeped in the collective, family-driven nature of Chinese culture UNLESS the family is very open-minded but I wouldn’t bet on that being the case in the least. The Chinese obsession with “face” precludes someone who might be very good for her from ever achieving anything in the long run. It’s sad but they’re trading their own happiness and personal growth for someone else’s definition of how to live. That’s entirely on them and not on you so never take it personally despite how difficult that might be in the short to medium term. You’re better off not getting involved in the first place as it’s a no-win situation. As Picard said on Star Trek, “It is possible to make no mistakes and still lose.”
I’m crying so badly as I read this. My ex of 3 years broke up with me because his parents disapprove me to be their in law. We were so I love and talking about marriage, us against the world type of love. As so we thought…
As soon as he got to his homeland, the parents did some digging on me and found out things like I partied. For a Pakistani family, that’s a huge no no no. Also the fact I’m from another country and educated my threaten their “culture”. They finding a bride for him now, and will get married early next year most probably.
The break up was emotional for him and me, we both didn’t want it. He took the step and blocked me. He said ifEif wewwe continue talkinghtalking we would just end up together.
Every week he would text and block me, to tell me how much he miss me. I know he wasn’t coping well. Until one day we somehow manage to chat, and I said my final goodbye and told him not to text me like this cause it hurts. Exactly a month from that day,he texted to check up on me and tell me he thinks about me every day. I didn’t reply that night, and the next day he blocked me.
It’s two months since we broke officially today.
And tomorrow is his birthday, after three years and three celebrations together, I can’t celebrate it with him anymore.
I’m heartbroken still, but the article is right. For him to be with me , he will need to cut ties with his family. It hurts cause I know he loves me still and I still have hope. And I can’t take him away from his family.
I have to move on, cause I can’t see this moving positively. Article is spot on when it said ,now it’s his choice. He broke up with me and chose his family.
all my broken hearts facing this, please don’t beg them to stay. They are in a place where they won’t listen to you. If you are meant to be together, just believe in fate and move on first. If you are meant to be together, even hell fire can’t get in your way.
Good luck, and I hope time will heal your broken hearts. Love them enough to let them go. Cheers
Hello Zan, I was in a 4 year elationship with an Albanian woman who lives in Canada. We met online fell in love and eventually got married. I moved from NYC to go live with her in September 2019. She had been in constant conflict with her mother ever since she told her mother about me. A man almost twice her age who was divorced and not Albanian. She put up with it and felt I was worth all the problems that came along with out romance. Unfortunately her grandmother passed in late September and she had to travel with her mother to Albania for 10 days to bury her. When she returned ate was different and after three weeks of âpretendingâ she said she finally broke down and said she couldnât continue our marriage. She realized how much she was tormenting her mother and family back home. During her visit they also added their disapproval of our union and stressed that they would also never accept me. She asked me to leave our apartment and was cold during the few days it took me too pack and move out. She couldnât even stay with me and left me alone in the apartment. Itâs been over 6 months and Iâm still tormented because she is the most incredible woman I have ever met and raised the bar so high that all woman fall short in every single way. I know I have to respect her decision but I wish there was something I could do to begin a dialogue with her even as just friends. She completely cut me off because it was the only way she could do what she was doing in her own words. She said when she visited me in NYC that she loved being in
MY world, but me being in Canada I couldnât be in HER world. Her mother made it almost impossible for her to have a life with me. Refusing to visit us and forbidding me from her home. I never even met her ever. And youâre right itâs even harder breaking up when there was absolutely nothing wrong as far as our personal compatibility but only that her mother was never going to accept me. I would kill to talk to her and hear her sweet voice one more time.
Hi Ivan.
I’m sorry this happened to you.
Disapproving parents are one of the most difficult breakups a person can go through. That’s why I strongly suggest that you think strongly about that for a minute. Think about whether you’d be happy with her mother disapproving of your relationship and if you could live knowing you’re not wanted.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hello,
I recently left someone dear because I began to fully accept my cultural identity over the past year. Not because my parents were against him, or because I refused to adapt, or because I couldn’t accept his background.
It was the missing piece and late realization of how much I actually valued my culture, how much I loved communicating in that language, and not wanting to lose it. Wanting to share life with someone with the same underlying unspoken understanding value had become more important. Perhaps this preference will change as I continue to explore and reflect within. But this is what I’ve discovered and learned about myself so far.
Cultural differences suck. They really do. I’m Catholic and my boyfriend was Muslim. We had been together (long distance) for under a month. I told my parents about it and they said they wouldn’t disown me but that I would bring embarrassment to my family and they would feel shame. I was very young (18) and it hurt to think I was going to end a good relationship because my parents couldn’t see past religion but I knew that with a relationship so new, that it would hurt more to do it later, and I knew that my parents weren’t going to change their feelings. As someone of South Asian background, parents opinions are extremely important and even though it still hurts months later, I have to breathe deeply and know that I will find love again. Any advice on moving on from this kind of relationship?
You fucked up. Your partner is your future. Your parents are your past. Hope you enjoy being miserable and without the one you couldâve built a life with NOW just because of what a couple people that will be you PAST very soon thought of your happiness.
Hello Zan,
In continuation of the above post I would like to add the following. Even after my ex was talking to his fiancee he told me that he still missed me , loved me and will always have those feelings. I too reciprocated the same feelings. But then deep inside I felt was my ex lying. Im so confused though I know I shouldn’t be thinking of all this now that my ex is getting married.
Hello Zan,
I’m from India and belong to a Hindu family. I was in a 3 year relationship with a Muslim guy working at my office. Our families were not aware of our relationship. Everything was going very well between us, we were very fond of each other and very much in love. Inspite of the cultural differences we never had any arguments or fights and were very compatible and committed to each other.
In Oct 2018, my exes parents decided to get him married. He finally succumbed to parental pressure and broke up with me. He chose not to fight with his parents since there was a huge cultural difference between us and he knew his family won’t agree.
We both were in no contact and under tremendous post breakup trauma. I somehow managed to get a bit better but was not completely over my ex till in Feb 2019 my ex contacted me again in office. He was engaged by then but was not allowed to talk to his fiancee due to traditional beliefs. He started stalking me at office and messaging me how guilty he felt about the breakup.
After some initial dilemma, i too started meeting him. I had a hope that he would stand up for our relationship and we would be together again. Though in many occasions he told me it was difficult for him to break his engagement and go against his parents.
All this went on till Aug 2019 when he got his fiancee number and they started chatting. I was upset and went again no contact with him. Meanwhile I switched my job. But my ex messaged me on my Bday in Oct 2019 and came to meet me. We met and had good time but I told him there is no point continuing this way since he was going to go by his parents decision.
My ex is now getting married in next week and before he left for marriage he came to see me one last time 2 weeks back near my residence.
I’m confused and hurt by my ex’s behaviour of pursuing me post his engagement and his inability to stand for us. I was ready to convince my family for him but he chose to be passive. I also regret my decision of meeting again after breakup.
Im upset over his marraige and do miss him. But I feel he just pursued me post break-up to pass his time till his marraige. I feel guilty for my post break-up mistake. I never meet him again now.
Please comment on my situation.