A very common question dumpees ask themselves is, “What should I do if my ex is in a rebound relationship? Should I block my ex and move on or is there any hope left for me?” Before we talk about the game plan, you need to understand just how common it is for dumpers to monkey-branch into another romantic relationship.
Many if not most dumpers are so tired of their (long-term) relationship not making them happy that they eagerly connect with someone new and try their luck with that person. They don’t consider their branching to be immoral because they think they deserve happiness in life with a partner who understands them.
In their mind, they can do anything they want even if they end up hurting their ex’s feelings and appear happy while their ex is miserable. All that matters to dumpers who are in a new relationship is that they’re happy and that they don’t have to worry about their ex anymore.
Since your ex is moving on with someone new already, your ex has probably hurt you badly and affected your self-esteem. He or she made you think that you messed up badly in the relationship and that this new person will now have a better chance at having a successful relationship with your ex.
What you need to understand is that no matter who your ex is with, your ex will still be the same person. He or she will face very similar issues with this new person on top of some new ones. They won’t have a perfect relationship even though they’re infatuated with each other and appear to be a match made in heaven.
When they get to know each other, their chances of turning their new relationship into a long-term one won’t be any higher than yours were. That’s because they’ll have to learn to work together, practice healthy communication, express gratitude, avoid temptations, and much much more. They won’t have it easy just because they’re in love.
Finding someone to love is the easy part. Making the relationship work with is much harder.
Your ex may feel victimized and blame you for the end of the relationship now that you’re exes, but that doesn’t mean you’re solely to blame. Relationships consist of two people who need to give their absolute best. When someone stops investing in the relationship, the less-giving person makes the other person anxious and tends to take his or her efforts for granted.
That leads to a loss of feelings and the destruction of the relationship.
So if your ex is in a rebound relationship and you feel anxious, don’t blame yourself for your ex’s mistakes and flaws. You can acknowledge your mistakes so that you can work on them and fix them, but don’t think you’re more to blame than your ex. You were both equally responsible for maintaining the relationship.
But your ex decided to give up on you when things got difficult and began to pursue a new relationship with a person he or she knew nothing about.
In this article, we’ll talk about what you can do if your ex is in a rebound relationship.
What is a rebound relationship?
If your ex is the dumper and your ex started dating someone else right away, you need to understand something that may be unpleasant to hear. You won’t like it, but it’s unlikely that your ex’s new relationship is a rebound relationship. A rebound relationship is not something dumpees normally find themselves in.
It’s much more common for dumpees (not dumpers) to rebound with someone because they still have feelings for their ex and can’t emotionally disconnect from their ex and forget about their ex. They have a hard time regaining emotional independence as they need to go through the detachment process first.
Dumpers, on the other hand, have already gone through the detachment process. They took their time to detach prior to breaking up with their ex as they focused on doubting the relationship and feeling smothered or unhappy with their ex.
Since they’re already over their dumpee, dumpers typically don’t miss their ex in their new relationship. Sure, they compare their ex to their new partner and wonder what their ex is up to, but because they’re limerent with the new person, they’re more than happy to concentrate fully on their new partner.
Some dumpers also feel a bit guilty. But they tend not to start feeling guilty until they’ve gotten through the infatuation stage of a new relationship because that’s when they realize they haven’t considered their ex’s feelings.
So no matter how badly you want your ex’s new relationship to be a rebound relationship, try to think of your ex’s relationship as a normal relationship. If you think your ex will have a hard time connecting with another person, you’ll stay hopeful and keep waiting for your ex to return to you and make you feel loved.
And that’s not good because you’ll get stuck in the past and neglect yourself.
What if my ex really is in a rebound relationship?
If your ex’s new relationship is a rebound relationship, you can rest assured that your ex will return. He or she won’t be able to stay away from you for long because your ex will badly want to be a part of your life again and feel loved and validated.
Your ex can try to feel loved by someone else, but that will backfire on your ex and hurt your ex because your ex is still attached to you and wants your love (not someone else’s).
If your ex is rebounding, your ex feels emotionally unfulfilled around the new person and craves your affection more than ever before. That implies that your ex is in a rebound relationship for the wrong reasons and that it’s only a matter of time before your ex realizes that he or she has made a huge mistake. One that could make your ex feel miserable.
So if your ex is dating someone new already and you’re certain that your ex still has feelings for you and wasn’t able to move on, know that your ex’s rebound relationship won’t last forever. Eventually, your ex will get tired and may even start arguing with his or her new boyfriend or girlfriend.
That’s when the relationship will experience unfixable issues and turn into a ticking time bomb.
How can I tell if my ex will return after her rebound relationship?
No one can guarantee that your ex will come back after dating someone else, but if your ex has been messaging you, saying that he or she has made a terrible mistake, and wanting your forgiveness, your ex may be feeling a bit more than just guilty.
Your ex may be starting to realize that the new relationship isn’t as great as it first seemed and that you were quite a good romantic option for your ex. That would imply that your ex is reminiscing and that his or her perception of you has improved significantly since the breakup.
It may not be good enough for your ex to come back yet, but eventually (if things continue to hurt your ex), your ex’s relationship will end. It can’t keep continuing to exist when your ex is constantly unhappy and messaging you to tell you that he or she is hurt, anxious, and unhappy in the relationship.
This is one of the few ways you can tell that your ex’s new relationship will end and that your ex will probably return to you for healing and safety. Another way to tell that your ex’s new relationship will end is if your ex fights a lot with the rebound person and does it in an unhealthy way.
New relationships are supposed to have very few problems because things are new and exciting. Couples who bicker early on tend not to make it past the infatuation stage. They normally realize that they’re incompatible in many ways and that they would have to change and grow too much to meet each other’s expectations.
If you notice that your ex is arguing a lot when his or her relationship just started, it’s unlikely that your ex will stay in that relationship for a long time. Your ex could persevere for a while, of course, but your ex will probably get tired of constant ups and downs and decide to go separate ways.
If your ex gets hurt a lot and/or if your ex does a lot of self-reflecting, your ex might remember that you used to be considerate and supportive and want to be a part of your life again. No matter what happens, you must let your ex’s rebound relationship play out so that your ex can figure out what he or she wants out of romantic relationships and life.
What if I was the rebound?
If your ex dated you soon after ending his or her long-term relationship, you’re at a disadvantage. You’re someone your ex dated to rely on emotionally and cope with the breakup blues. Your ex probably didn’t fall in love with you in the short amount of time he or she was with you.
Your ex likely just faked the relationship to keep anxiety under control and get over his or her dumper quicker. Once your ex has healed, your ex felt happy and in control once more and saw no reason to continue his or her relationship with you. Your ex wanted to see what else was out there and take his or her time looking for someone else.
Unfortunately, many people do that. They’re hurting, so they get involved with someone new and strong because that person can make them feel loved and respected. But when they can’t benefit from that person anymore (don’t need more support), they think they deserve better and start looking for someone “better.”
Eventually, they find that person and oftentimes leave their partner for him/her.
But how can I tell I was a rebound?
To make it simple, you were your ex’s rebound if:
- your relationship ended quickly (less than half a year)
- your ex appeared tired, lazy, distracted
- your ex was seldom in the mood for affection and sex
- your ex didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything
- your ex talked about his or her ex a lot
If you were your ex’s rebound partner, it’s not your fault your ex didn’t stay with you. Your ex was the one who should have been honest with you from the beginning instead of giving you false hope and making you think you were heading in the right direction as a couple.
What do I do if my ex is in a rebound relationship?
Whether your ex is in a rebound relationship or a regular relationship, you mustn’t try to win your ex back through persuasion and perseverance. Your ex doesn’t want to be persuaded because your ex lost feelings for you and decided to give someone else a try.
If you try to meddle with your ex’s romantic life, you’re going to look weak, needy, and pushy as you’ll refuse to accept the breakup and give your ex a chance to do what he or she wants.
Always remember that people in denial aren’t attractive and that your ex won’t take pity on you if you beg and plead with your ex and show how loyal you are to him or her. That’s not what your ex wants to see. Your ex wants you to accept that the relationship is over and that you need to let the broken relationship rest.
As difficult as that is to hear you must be strong and accept it. You don’t really have a choice because resisting the breakup is only going to make things worse. It won’t convince your ex that you’re worthy of another chance but that you’re annoying and that you lack the strength to get out of denial and move on with your life.
So if your ex is in a rebound relationship and you’re wondering what to do about it, leave your ex alone. Go no contact with your ex so your ex doesn’t develop extremely low opinions of you and say or do something that you’re not ready to see or hear.
In all honesty, you shouldn’t have even found out that your ex is dating someone else already. You should have started no contact the moment your ex broke up with you so you could avoid learning things about your ex that destroy too much reconciliation hope at once.
Now that your ex is in a new relationship, you must stay away from your ex and act as if you don’t know or don’t care your ex is dating again. That’s the kind of message you want to indirectly send your ex by ceasing all communication.
Of course, your ex won’t care what you think of him or her dating again, but your ex might become more curious about you later if your ex struggles to stay connected with the new person. Your job is to keep moving forward and remember that your ex will message or call you if your ex regrets leaving you.
Do exes come back after a failed rebound relationship?
Exes come back after a failed rebound relationship quite often. They tend to realize that they’ve taken their ex for granted and that they needed to learn their lessons the hard way – by failing miserably.
The reason why exes come back after failing with someone else is that they realize their ex was a lot better than their rebound and that the relationship with their ex had problems but they weren’t that bad. Such dumpers take responsibility for their actions and come back to fix what they’ve broken.
Before your ex comes back, your ex could check up on you online, message your friends, or breadcrumb you for a while. Your ex might want to check if the door is still open and if he or she needs to hurry up before someone else takes your ex’s place and makes it more difficult for him or her to return.
Or your ex could just decide that enough is enough, leave the rebound partner, and come running back to you decisively. Don’t worry too much about that right now. If you ended the relationship on good terms, your ex will probably message you a few times to see if you have any hard feelings.
And once your ex has made sure that you don’t hate him or her, your ex will likely start pursuing you and making plans with you. You need to be ready for that so that you don’t rush back into a relationship with your ex.
Rushing could make it too easy for your ex to get back with you and prevent your ex from learning things your ex badly needed to learn. So keep in mind that exes do come back after a failed rebound relationship. But they tend to come back when things go wrong in their new relationship because that’s when they realize they were happier in their previous relationship.
How do you steal your ex from her new rebound partner?
Many dumpees are so hurt that they want to steal their ex from their ex’s new partner. They completely forget that their ex isn’t a toy they can just take away. They can’t just do something their ex loves and watch their ex running back to them faster than greased lightning.
That’s because they’ve lost the ability to influence their ex and make their ex feel good. In other words, their ex no longer considers them the most important people in their life, so any attempt to be the most important only makes things worse. Instead of impressing and reattracting their ex, it smothers and repulses their ex.
You need to understand that there will be no stealing anything or anyone. You’ll have to wait patiently for your ex to give his or her new relationship a fair chance. If that relationship fails because your ex has feelings for you or because they don’t get along, your ex might fall back on you and apologize for leaving.
So if you’re thinking of competing with your ex’s new partner, don’t do that. You’ll never be able to beat your ex’s partner nor impress your ex because your ex isn’t in an impressible state. He or she is probably happy dating this new person and wants to see how the relationship will progress.
You must let your ex’s new relationship run its course and let your ex come to you. That’s the only way your ex will ever respect you and want to be with you again. Any other technique or manipulation tactic will only make you look desperate for attention and tell your ex that you’re incapable of controlling yourself and respecting your ex.
Always put yourself in your ex’s shoes by asking yourself what you’d expect from your ex if roles were reversed. After something thinking, you’ll admit that you’d probably want your ex to keep it together and not interfere with your romantic life.
What if your ex’s rebound relationship failed and your ex started dating another person?
If your ex’s relationship failed and your ex soon moved on to someone else, you need to understand that your ex didn’t discern your worth. He or she didn’t improve negative perceptions of you and think that you were a good romantic partner for him or her.
I don’t want to give you hope, but some exes need to go through multiple breakups to realize their ex’s worth and come running back. They need to get involved with someone they really like and have their hearts broken so that their self-esteem cracks and forces them to reflect on their behavior and good memories.
That’s when they can have an epiphany and admit that their ex was a good romantic partner to them but that they couldn’t notice it before.
So if your ex is changing romantic partners, don’t just keep waiting for your ex. It could take your ex many years before your ex gets into a serious relationship and experiences a painful breakup. And you don’t have years of time to wait for your ex to see your worth.
You have to detach and move on so that you can find a person who won’t forget your importance and need to date other people to get hurt and realize what you brought to the table.
You’re better off without someone like that as waiting for something that may or may never happen is a waste of time.
How long do rebounds last?
A rebound relationship can last anywhere from a couple of weeks to about 6 months. After a few months, your ex will have known the other person well enough to see his or her true colors.
That’s when your ex will decide whether to keep pursuing the relationship with the new person or let go of it. If the relationship lasts longer than 6 months, though that probably indicates that your ex isn’t in a rebound relationship and that your ex will likely keep dating this other person.
That doesn’t mean that they’ll live happily ever after but that their chances of success will be as high as any other couple’s. It’s impossible to say how long they’ll last if you don’t understand how their relationship functions. But the good thing about it is that you don’t have to know.
If you keep tabs on your ex, you’ll just analyze your ex and look for hope in everything your ex does. So take the rules of no contact seriously and completely remove your ex from your ex. You’ll find the breakup much easier to cope with if you focus on yourself and your loved ones.
Can no contact work if your ex is in a rebound relationship?
Many people doubt no contact because they fear their ex will move on and forget about them. Although that can definitely happen, you mustn’t let your fears get in the way of rational thinking. You must stay calm and sensible and do things that distract you.
Such things will require immense willpower and self-control, but they’re necessary so that you can redevelop your self-esteem and look more attractive in your ex’s eyes. I encourage you to learn more about breakups and dumpers’ behavior so that you don’t think you must do something to prove your worth to your ex.
The only people who try to prove their worth to others are those who aren’t sure of themselves and seek external validation. Those people tend not to impress their exes as they don’t even feel comfortable in their skin. They consider themselves to be undesirable, so that’s the kind of message they send their ex.
You need to understand that no contact is the best thing you can do now that your ex is in a rebound relationship as it will show your ex that you’re in control of your body and that you won’t chase after your ex. That will help you keep your remaining respect and tell your ex that you understand the relationship has ended.
So what do you do now that your ex is in a (rebound) relationship? You do nothing. You let your ex enjoy dating the new person and do your best to detach and get over your ex. It will probably take you some time to take your ex off the pedestal, but persevere and keep focusing on yourself and you’ll soon stop obsessing over your ex and his/her new partner.
You’ll see that your ex isn’t worth the wait and that your emotional health and well-being are much more important than any relationship and ex-partner.
For now, learn to trust the no contact rule and be prepared to give your ex as much time as he or she needs. I promise that it gets easier the longer you stay in no contact and the busier you get. No contact is also more effective the longer you stay in it because you give your ex all the space in the world to experience the grass is greener syndrome and see what else is out there.
Is your ex in a rebound relationship? How are you coping with it? Let us know what worked for you and what didn’t in the comments section below.
And if you’d like to talk about your ex’s rebound relationship with us privately, click here to get in touch.
Hi Zan. Thanks for another great written article. I’m wondering the chances of her returning if we were in a short term relationship? We were together 4 months that seemed very good, but I got comfortable and took her for granted. I understand she lost attraction for me and broke it off. She was in a new relationship 2 weeks later. I assume she was aleady in contact with him, ie monkey branched, or a rebound, but I guess it doesn’t matter either way. I seem to think she has an Anxious attachment style, which I believe I do as well. And this is why I’m struggling with this breakup so badly. Currently in NC and working strongly on myself for the past 3 months. Just scared to think she’s over me so easily. Any insight would be greatly appreciated!
Hi Colin.
Short-term relationship breakups have slightly higher chances of reconciliation. This is because dumpers tend not to know their dumpee that well and don’t resent him or her. Oftentimes, they leave because of unresolved personal problems such as emotional unavailability.
A breakup that happens 4 months in is usually an indication that something major went wrong. She either wasn’t ready for a new relationship or took it for granted when the infatuation phase ended. Still, if she’s dating already, she doesn’t appreciate you, nor deserve you. She should be avoided at all cost.
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex and I were together for about 2 years. We broke up in October 2022 (because she wasn’t feeling I gave enough attention and trust) but we kept hanging out every once in a while including what would’ve been our 2 year anniversary in November. I brought her flowers and we stayed in together, yet I could tell something was off more than usual. Her guy friend knew I was at her house that night and was blowing up her phone in jealousy.
I came to find out he was at her house just before I got there that night and of course there were other times they did who knows what. Point is- there was overlap.
Late November she tells me she could see herself being with him so we end everything. No more than 5 days after that she posts him on social media and they’re an official couple. She monkey branched. Meanwhile I feel betrayed and depressed while she replaced me with someone so fun and exciting. The other guy is from her hometown too.
Since then I haven’t received a single text or apology and I don’t know what to think. I read the article above and can tell she won’t miss me or have much regard for me anymore. I’m trying to move on but it’s tough when someone you love so much betrays you like that and you’re left with absolutely nothing.
I need help in understanding.. should I have told her I loved her more? Tried harder? Will their relationship last since it’s been 3 months? Will no contact do anything for me? Is it a rebound if they were best friends before? Will she ever reach out or try me again?
Hi John.
Don’t blame yourself. There wasn’t anything that could have made her fall back in love with you. The girl made a conscious decision to date this guy and commit to him. She liked his attention, and you’re not to blame for that. He’s not “more fun” but rather different. She associated negativity with you and positive emotions with him. I can’t predict if they’ll last but if you give her space, you’ll probably hear from her again.
No contact will heal your wounds, John.
Kind regards,
Zan
John.. Did your Exes rebound relationship fail? Did she ever come back?
Hey Zan!
You’re spot on in your advice in this article! Great Job. I have a bit of a situation of my own…
I was in a relationship >5 years with my ex and she was 110% loyal and loving to me the entire time – we didn’t fight and she was always there for me. Due to my own issues in past relationships, I had commitment issues and wasn’t able to commit to my ex. I ended up flirting with an old flame last Dec/Jan and my ex found out about it. She warned me that she was going to date another guy and I didn’t realize how serious she was or how hurt she was at the time. 5 weeks later I realized she was unhappy and I planned to patch things up over Valentine’s. The problem was that I had lost her by the start of February (she had started to date another guy around that time) and I didn’t know it. She would be kind of hot and cold with me through feb/march – telling me she was busy with family or work at times, and being flirtatious and loving with me at other times. Then in late March she ignored me for 8 days and then when she spoke to me she told me, among other things, that she was marrying another guy. She told me she would still talk to me but cut me off a few days later, and then married the guy 1 week after she cut me off [no major ceremony or anything, though]. It appears as though she dated the guy for about 2 months (maybe 2.5 months max) before marrying him. He’s the son of one of her bosses at work, and his family lives near her family. He’s kind of homely looking – he’s way more into her than she is into him – she was basically a ‘reach’ for him, and a safe pick for her. I don’t think he’d ever stray from her, but I also don’t know if she loves him or has enough chemistry with him to make the relationship last. They’ve been married for 8 months now. I don’t know if this matters at all or not, but he is not on her fb profile picture – even though there’s a picture of them together on his. No pregnancy that I’ve seen yet, and a planned larger wedding 4-5 months ago never happened.
I’ve never heard of anyone marrying someone else so quickly – after 2, maybe 2.5 months of dating. It’s basically a “rebound marriage”. Could such a marriage last?
Thank you kindly,
Anon123456
Hi Anon.
Rushed marriages can last, but they also tend to fail quite often. People who rush to marry when their relationship is at its best usually don’t understand that they won’t always feel so excited. That’s why they’re in for a reality check once infatuation starts to wane. The best advice I can give you is to give them time. Your ex has fallen out of love and in love with this person. She believes that the relationship with you has come to an end and that someone else can give her more. Whether that’s true we don’t know yet because it’s too soon to tell. But I suppose you’ll find if they break up.
Make sure to learn from your mistakes and improve yourself so that you can commit when you find the one.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thank you for getting back to me, Zan! I have been giving them time, and I have been improving myself in the interim. I do hope to get a second chance with her some day, as I could commit to her now, but I know that there are no guarantees in life. She waited years for me, so I intend to wait a few years for her.
One more thing – I guess I was a little taken aback by how hostile she was when she cut me off a week prior to her marriage. While she was pleasant in our breakup talk, she lied about how she would stay in touch with me and then cut me off a few days later on April Fool’s Day. I was essentially ‘ghosted’ following that day. She went from loving me to the ends of the earth to cutting me off in such a hostile way – I guess she was totally heartbroken and angry at me – I don’t know. In hindsight she couldn’t really stay in touch with me while married anyway, but she could have been honest with me at the time and not cut me off on the day she decided to.
Best Regards,
Anon123456
It would be pretty hard to get her back when you hold grudges against how she behaved after you cheated on her. I think you have work to do… for yourself.
Hi Zan,
Your articles have helped me so very much since my BU. Thank you for that. This is now my situ:
I went NC after my ex dumped me after one stupid fall out in May, following our 2 year relationship ( me being the love of his life, according to him). He made no attempt at all to contact me either, since the BU. I Just found out that he got engaged 3 weeks ago , and I am so hurt and shocked by this. I feel like I have gone right back down my healing ladder. Is he in a rebound ? Any help will be greatly appreciated.
Thank you
Hi Anon.
It’s possible that your ex has been building a connection with this person behind your back and that all he needed to leave you was one final argument. She’s probably not a rebound because he detached from you beforehand.
Kind regards,
Zan
Zen – I’m going through a tough breakup.
Just to give you a little background, I was in a relationship with my ex girlfriend for almost 3 years. Just like any relationship, there were ups and downs. When covid started, my ex had an issue with me staying at my ex wife’s house to take care of my daughter. No one knew what was going on with covid so like any other father I wanted to be there with my daughter. They live in another state and I can’t afford any other accommodations on monthly basis. During covid, I had to make a difficult decision but a necessary one to go away and take care of my child since her mother was an essential worker and couldn’t work from home and we couldn’t find any baby sitter and no one to help her with her school. She was in 3rd grade at the time. However, I was traveling back and forth every month to go stay with my ex girlfriend for a week to balance it out. We both survived year 2020 and were on great terms as I brought my daughter to her house which she always asked me previously to do so. She wanted to go on a family vacation with her son and my daughter after covid situation. She wanted to be a part of everything I did with my child and it’s my fault that I didn’t introduce her to my ex wife before covid and her family since I’m still close with my ex in-laws.
Fast forward, in May 2021, she walked out of my home with her son, and it felt like a breakup at that point. We had a wedding to attend together but she messaged me that she can’t go to the wedding with me and be heart broken all over again and that she still hasn’t forgiven me for the last year when I left her during pandemic. After 4 weeks, I called her and apologized to her for leaving her during covid and not thought of her enough. I also stated that right after school opens up I will be moving back to the state where we both live. We both were emotional over the phone. After a week, she asked me to come over to her house and we went out. She told me what she wants – a marriage and a child in the future. I stated that I can see us getting married in the future but I’m not ready to promise a child yet. We had sex but I felt her not emotionally there as she usually did in the past. Again after a few weeks‘ break, she reached out to me and asked me to take her out for drinks. Which I did. She stated during that weekend that a lot of guys are reaching out to her but she would rather work things out with me that’s why she has invited me and she doesn’t like guys who bowed down to her. She would rather have me as she feels relaxed and safe with her son around me. After a week, we attended another good friends of mine’s wedding together who’s situation is somewhat similar to mine in terms of both of the them having kids and coming from a different cultures like us. So I thought it was a great opportunity for both of us to see them getting married. We drove 5 hours together where she talked about traveling and working things out and not be disappointment with each other. After attending the wedding, she didn’t feel like having sex that night. Which I respected. Next morning we drove back and I drove her through an area where I grew up. She told me why don’t I bring her there more and buy her clothes and things from my culture. During our ride, she got angry and emotional and brought up the past issues again. We argued but I told her that I love her and I would try my best and start doing things better. After that week, she messaged me and accused me that there are some people who are trying to reach out to her on social media, and somehow it either people I know or some girls I might be fooling around with. I responded back with anger and not so kind words due to false accusations which I can’t stand. She responded back with anger and not so kind word also – not surprised. I apologized to her right after and stated that her choice of words and accusations had made me mad. We both started a no-contact after that day for like three weeks. After three weeks I asked her if she would like to meet up and I would like to take her and her son for dinner. she stated that she actually has started seeing someone and things are going well so far and it wouldn’t be appropriate meeting up. I texted back saying that “thank you for letting me know.” I haven’t reached out to her nor called since then. She recently posted a picture of her with her new fling along with her son who all are wearing a Halloween costumes and her new bf’s face is covered. Don’t know what signal she is trying to send me.
Notice that we were not friends on any social media but her recent posts has been public not personal since she had unfriended me back in May 2021 after I argued with her that not all of the female friends that I have, I’m screwing them. She used to go all over my social media and asks me the details of every individual. We never made our relationship public during three years besides posting our vacation pictures. So I understood why she was upset around social media situation.
In any case, I have started working out, and started traveling and I’m posting those pictures online as public and knowing her I’m convinced she still checks my profile out. I wanted to block her but decided not to do so. I want her to know what she is missing. But I won’t be compromising anything until we are emotionally stable or she reaches out to me first.
Overall, I felt a great connection with her and we used to travel, cooked together, take her son places and used to communicate well everyday before Covid. We had all of the inside jokes. Her style of dressing improved after we started dating. We used to have intellectual conversation that she took a great interest in. We were thinking of going to multi state vacation and also to take her to meet my mother who lives in another country.
I’m holding strong on no-contact so far but each day is getting difficult.
Now as I am self reflecting, I’m realizing some of my mistakes and working on improving things during this no contact period. It’s been 3 weeks total so far.
Now I would like to know what are my options and how can I get back with her while she is in a rebound relationship?
Thank you!
Hi Anonymous.
You have to wait for your ex’s new relationship to fail and come back to you. Until then, you have to stay in no contact and work on yourself. You say the relationship was good, but you wouldn’t have broken up that many times and gone through so many issues if it were. If you ask me, lots of things have to change, starting with her fancying attention from other people, lacking commitment, and craving power.
Try to figure out what you can improve as well. She likely won’t work on herself while she’s gone, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t either.
Best regards,
Zan
My ex and I were in a relationship for nearly 4 years and had been living together for 2 of them and I thought everything was fine. Didn’t notice any changes as I’d been super stressed the past few months. And then out of the blue on Boxing Day I saw messages from him to his friend saying that he can’t see himself marrying me or having kids with me and he needs to break it off fast but doesn’t know how. I obviously confronted him about it and he said that the spark wasn’t there anymore and I ended up moving back home with my parents. It was very civil and I wished him well and we hugged and he teared up when I left.
A week later I went over to collect my stuff (I didn’t warn him as I didn’t see a need to as it was my house too and I still had keys) and I unfortunately found him in our bed with another woman. I asked them how long it had been going on and they both said a week (we’d only been broken up for a week). He told me via text afterwards that he was lonely and bored and that’s why she was there as he wanted company and was adamant that she’s just a rebound.
We’ve been in NC for the past 12 days now and I’m really struggling with it as all I want to do is be back with him. We were making plans for our future together less than two weeks before we broke up so I’m super confused at the moment. I’m worried that he broke up with me for this “rebound” and I’m never going to get him back. I suppose it’s my time to heal and try and move on until he comes back to me.
12 y of relationship, 8.5 y were (legally, still is) marriage. We have three children (4y, 7y and 8y).
In January of this year, it was suddenly “we are fundamentally different” and “no, there is no other woman”, in February he moved out of the apartment where we lived together for 10.5 y. In June, he told me via message “it’s a matter of years of disagreement and that wasn’t life, it was torture” and he mentioned the official divorce for the first time. In late August, I found that he had begun an emotional relationship with a co-worker only 30 days later. Otherwise she has been present in his life since the first day we met, she knows me, I know her…hey she was at our wedding! During these 12 years, on several occasions, she was presented to me as a fat fool who does nothing and has that position at work only thanks to the love relationships she had with co-workers from the same company only from other region.
And now I should to beleive that his relationship with her didn’t exist before, while he was still living with me and the children?! By the way, this relationship seems very serious because after only 2 months (from the alleged beginning of the relationship) he introduced her to our children (ofcourse not as his girlfrend) and only 4 months (again from the alleged beginning of the relationship) he introduced her to his mother.
I know the two of us were distanc ourselves and that I put the kids in the first place (it may have been my fault), but with so much of his business commitments (long office stays and frequent business trips), my job, 3 kids and housekeeping, makes me that distancing is inevitable. But I looked at it this way: children are growing, becoming more independent and there will be more and more time for the two of us. I was obviously wrong.
And in all of that, the problem is that he always had my maximum trust, I believed and I still believe that my marriage was almost perfect and that “almost” was that we both lacked more time for each other.
In few days will be 10 months since he moved. Hey 10 months! A new life is born in 9 months, and I am still desperate and broken, my whole world has collapsed!
unfortunately we have to have contact because of the children, but I try to make it as minimal as possible on my part (mostly short messages like okay).
I think the 9m relathionship is too much for a rebound relathionship.
I don’t know how to let go?!
Another 10+ months and I’m still in the same place 🙁
Hi Zan,
I love your perspective and knowledge on these kind of difficult situations. I thought I’d try to get some feedback of my own experience.
I’ve been in a relationship with this girl for 2 years. We’ve had a lots of ups and downs in which we were doing a really good job working things out with great communication. I ended up breaking up with her in June after she pointed me out the door a dozen times and pushed me to my limits. We did not breakup because we ran out of love, I ended it because she wouldn’t recognize all the effort and love I was putting into this. When I asked her If I was a nice boyfriend, she replied that I was a nice person. This killed me and I left on that day. She seemed to accept the breakup on that day
The following week she called me, begging me for a second chance and I obviously refused as it sounded desperate and thought there was no way that we would be ready to even consider being back together. I tried moving on and go on dates in the following weeks, probably to get a rebound and forget about her. She ended up wanting to meet up with me at my place as she had things she wanted to tell me and this time I let her. She told me all the things she had realized since the breakup and how she would do things differently. it honestly felt great to hear her pointing out her own flaws and how to fix them. I ended up starting to see her very casually a couple days later. It was mostly sex and nothing complicated such as getting high together and have fun. She then mentioned that she wanted more conversation, more plans together and I pointed out that I wasn’t there at all and that it would be the ideal to take things slow, one date at a time. I wasn’t seeing anyone else at this point as I wanted to try and give her a proper second chance. That was in August, 1.5 month after our breakup
We are now in September and we have been taking things slowly since then. Last week she admitted that she was also seeing another guy and that she was sleeping with him too. My heart fell of my chest. I couldn’t believe that she was asking for a second chance and that this is what she was doing with it.
I ended up forgiving and understanding that she needed a life line to grab after the breakup and thought that this shouldn’t be something that would be worth getting in our way. After this she was very emotional with me, telling me how much she always loved me, that I am the love of her life and that there is no one else. That this guy is just a rebound. We spent a week of telling each other how much we want to be back together and do things right this time, slowly, and end our days together. She then admitted that she was still seeing the guy. How could she go and see him between 2 great conversations about being the lover of each other’s life? I then told her that this was the second chance she asked for, that I needed more action that words. So I gave her a 2 days ultimatum to end things with him so that we could finally do things right as this is what we both wanted.
She did not end things with him. I am so crushed and disappointed. I wrote her a letter the next day after the ultimatum telling her that this was it and that I was turning the page on her, turning the page on us and to never contact me ever again in any possible way of communication.
I can’t understand her thoughts process and what to expect now. Part of me wants her to end things with him still and work her way off for forgiveness. The other part is just giving up and really thing I should move on.
she is safistic! LEAVE!!!!!! I was through the same thing and I almost ended up at hospital, couldnt eat, worst sngsiwty and stress! THIS what she is dooing just like my ex bf – shopping around! SADISTIC there is no commitment, no real love! YOU are worth someone who commits to you and give you the WORLD!!!!! Who doesnt even se anyone else as beautiful and perfect as you are!
So it’s 3 months and some days she since quitted our 11years Serious relationship for religion differences sake. It happened when we spoke with her mum about coming to meet their hand on our Marriage. Turns out that her mum didn’t support me despite knowing just me and her all this years. Well she was told so many things that got her scared away from me….she treated me like plague….after 2 weeks she jumped into another man…going no contact revealed all this to me…wellb it got to a point I had to be letting go of her feelings and thought…
We started talking not so much days ago and all she complains is about being depressed about turning 28 and not married, mistAke of choosing Someone of different religion, her career, she can’t eat or sleep, etc. Well I had to e talk to her for long and kinda encouraged her..
Please was I right to have talked to her? I mean after all? I didnt have CLOsure from her ….her mum snake my head!!! Highly dissapoited cause she categorically told me she is ok with us….now she realized her leaving was her own fault and depressed about life…should I have talked to her
Hi Zan,
Ex gf and I (1.5 yr loving relationship) met a couple months after her failed ltr. We took things very slow (dating for 2 mo, “I love you” after 4-5 months, relationship happiness peaked at a 11mo).
I went back to perusing my career at that point. When covid happened I became engrossed in it. She continued to work while I was at home. Tension began to build. I didn’t see the underlying problem (was taking her for granted, lack of traditional goals and traditional job that took time away from us) and slowly she she began to become more critical. Since I didn’t see the problem I began to feel less appreciated and cycle continued. We would have good times and the fighting wasn’t horrible, but we were clearly less happy then before.
The last night we were together she told me she loved me and could do this for years but wasn’t sure she saw a future with me (couldn’t live with my pursuit.) thinking she was finished I kissed her goodbye and walked out.
I found out later she felt abandoned and was very angry. Two weeks later she took a date with a work friend, after which I tried to reconcile admitting my faults and apologizing. She thought I was only doing it cause “she wasn’t waiting to move on”. We talked a few more times but she decided that even tho we had a good relationship and loved each other she was going to maintain the breakup. She is very anti cheating and I don’t believe he was set up prior to breakup., but I do believe he was an orbiter who had been trying. Me walking out was a shock to her at the time.
2 weeks after date she had posted a picture of new guy on fb (we never did that in entire relationship and made fun of fb posting like that) and everyone seemed very happy for her. They seem to be moving at light speed and she thinks he’s perfect (downgrade visually not sure much else about him).
I am in 1 month no contact since their first date. I still love her and want to be with her. I realize some of the issues I had that caused the breakup and have changed my life significantly not for her but because I saw what it caused in all relationships. I hope she realizes what she lost and kicked the rebound fog but at this point I don’t think there is a chance.
Thanks
Hey.
I got with a girl last year and our relationship was amazing. It was really like nothing I’ve ever experienced, we were so much on the same wavelength and just enjoyed each other completely.
We are 28 and 27.
Back in December/ January I was going through some personal issues (deaths in the family and stresses at work) and admittedly I had a very low drive to be intimate and even touchy with her.
Everything was fine and in March I asked her if I could take some time to deal with some of my own issues (not a break up) and then we didn’t speak for a week. I had sent her a letter explaining my problems and we spoke on the phone after that and she tells me she’s been sad since then and she felt I didn’t love her although she admits she knows but I just had to show it. Anyway from there I explained that before I had held back a little because I was trying to show her that I was just with her for sex as stated above.
Anyway we had put everything on the table and then both agreed we felt so much better and went on with things feeling better than ever. Two weeks go by we are still great then one evening she says she feels down and she is upset about it so I ask if she is ok she says she’s fine…anyway a few days after I ask her on the phone and she says she wants to not make us official again yet on social media, like not labelled I guess.
So I ask if she still wants me and she says yeah but with the lockdown that we are in she felt pressured and didn’t want to have to think about that (which I agreed too because missing her was also putting a strain on that for me too)
Anyway we go on as normal just not saying I love you, we flirt and send kisses etc. Then 2 months after she suddenly starts seeing someone. I am confused to the max. Totally taken by surprise and then she says she wants space and won’t talk to me unless I message her although the replies are very short. But still she hasn’t blocked me at all. After reaching out a few times I have been in no contact. She never said we would never have another chance she just said I am just unsure if you can convince me things would be different.
The situation is very odd from both their sides. She was all into me and then all of a sudden she switches off. He was in a relationship for 3 years which he suddenly cut off a few days after and I feel that she was just lonely not seeing me since January and then lockdown came into effect. (She is a very affectionate girl, she likes to know she is loved)
She makes a point when I used to message telling me her day was “very” good and that she is “really” well and she also made the point that she was with this guy or this guy had bought her something after I asked about something I saw on Facebook. Iam wondering if it’s just a jealousy tactic.
I feel they’re both in a rebound and it’s also been affected by lockdown.
Just trying my best…I have been exercising and bettering myself for nearly 2 weeks now everyday. I feel great, Just like myself but a version 2! In total this has been a month and 3 days since this started. It’s still tough but I am feeling good in myself but I am really just looking to be friends with her at this point, I miss her and I wouldn’t want to cause either of them any issues (which I let her know ages ago) but I feel I lost a part of myself even as a friend.
EDIT: I meant to say I WAS NOT just with her for sex…what a typo..
You are absolutely right, if your ex starts dating someone new, don’t do ANYTING. Don’t contact them, just keep on going with your life. TRUST ME. I was broken up with four months ago and went into no contact and focused on myself. I had this feeling about a month ago that my ex is dating someone new but I told myself that is is none of my business since we probably won’t get back together. But, about a week ago my ex contacts me, we meet up and he wants to try again. He genuinely had thought about it before he reached out to me and the reason he did is because he thought I had moved on and therefore wanted to swallow his pride and tell me what he feels, like this was his last shot with me. I found out from a friend that he had dated a girl recently which he considered to go into a relationship with in the future. So, I calmly asked him about it to hear his side of the story. He said that they hung out but he finished it with her to come back to me. She is a really nice, attractive girl, but he still chose to come back to me, and it was because I didn’t do ANYTING and showed my value. I let him learn his lesson and now he is making a really great effort to start a new, healthy relationship with me. A tip is to also don’t put to much energy into this person your ex is dating, that only shows that you see them as a competition and your ex will feel this. See them as a random person that your ex needs to fill the gap you left in their heart. I NEVER EVER thought he would come back and was starting to give up and move on, but just TRUST the process and continue with your life until they come back or you meet someone better. 🙂
Would no contact still work if your ex went back to his ex before you? Is that considered “rebounding”, or am I the rebound? We were together for approximately 9 months — broken up for a month — and a few days after the breakup, I found out he went back to his ex. I have been on radio silence since the breakup and he had reached out once 2 weeks after the breakup to tell me his “dog” missed me, to which I responded nicely and politely to (and wasn’t overly enthusiastic), but nothing came out of that. I am back in no contact. I am in a better place than I was weeks ago but God, I miss him so, so much.
Hi Jane.
I can’t say for sure because I don’t know what your ex’s relationship is like. Stay in no contact for now and work on yourself. Try not to worry about him and let him come to you.
Kind regards,
Zan
I recently was diagnosed with BPD.
I was dating the love of my life for 8 years and we have a 1yr old daughter.
Needless to say, my mental causes me to act without thinking. Not only did I assault him multiple times when I was angry, I also damaged his property on different occasions. He finally got the courage to end our relationship and moved out our apartment 7m later. After 4m of moving out he’s in a relationship and of course I’m broken inside because I never meant to lose the love of my life due to not knowing how to control my emotions and expressing anger in an adult like manner.
Because of my unexplainable, absurd behavior I began mental health treatment and was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and BPD. Therapy it’s helping a lot! But I’m worried I will never get another chance because of all the damage I’ve done. He told me he’s no longer in love with, and haven’t been for 1yr now.
Is this really over? Do I still have a chance to make my family complete again?
he is a shitface! No commitment, no love and no understanding. It could have worked so good if he only learned how you work. You need loots of ssfety and love to be at your best! Leve him he is a jerk
Found out my ex got into a rebound relationship 5 months after our break-up and after WE were hooking up for the 4-months after all of it….it lasted a month, and when it ended, she reached out to me and is now coming out to visit me in a few weeks in my new city where I moved after we broke up and she moved out after a 7-year relationship.
She says she can’t trust me, forgive me, and has a love/hate relationship with me and told me all about her dating activities etc., and it sucks. Should I just continue working back on myself or go and chase some women to get, “Even” before attemtping to try and reconcile. FYI, she said, “We’ll never get back together, that ship has sailed,” and that her family and friends don’t like or trust me – and she doesn’t believe I’ve changed and doesn’t want people to know she’s coming in a couple weeks.
What should I do, Zan? Not talk to her? Respect myself? Or, forgive, forget, move forward with what I want (yes, her – still), and be an adult knowing that life is not linear and sometimes we go through tough times.
Hy Zan! Me and my girlfriend broke up in December.She dumped me but for not to important reasons.We dated since September,have a good sex and all this things.December and January we still have talked on phone,but at the end on Juanuary we had a fight because she was dissrepecting me,and i say also i want to move on,even if i love her lot of.February,just no contact.She is also co worker with me,and this morning i find out she its dating another coleg from another department.Any chance to get her back?
My ex and I broke up after a 3 year long relationship. It was me who broke it off because things between us were unhappy. We broke up, and he decided he would move out but we lived together while broken up for about 3 months (where he was very difficult to get along with and treated me very poorly due to his anger about the breakup) until he was able to figure things out.
I went away on a trip shortly after we broke up, and when I came back he was gone. I got into a rebound relationship quite fast after we broke up; and as you said above it didn’t last long. I realized I was still completely in love with my ex. I finally reached out to him ( this would be 8 months after he moved out) and we met up. I told him how I felt about him and I was completely honest about being in a new relationship and told him I was in the process of ending things with this person because of how I felt. My ex was hesitant but eventually warmed up and talked to me off and on, and he finally decided that he was ready to work on things and give it a shot. A few days later, he messaged me and stated he needed space to think things through again. I was hurt because he had gotten my hopes up already, but I knew I had to be patient with him so I agreed. What I didn’t know was that he was also in a rebound relationship I found out about 2 days after no contact; except he had lied and told me he wasn’t seeing anyone and made me feel guilty for being in a rebound relationship . As soon as I found out I confronted him, because I was hurt that he lied and had been leading me on… he gave me no reply, and instead he blocked me on all social media and sources of communication and hasn’t said a word to me. According to social media he is still in this rebound relationship with this other person. I’m just wondering, what do I do here? He really disrespected me by lying to me, and it’s so hard to get over it because he hasn’t even said one word to me…. I’m so hurt. Do you think he will come back to me, or is he truly happy with this new relationship that he lied to me about ?
I have no way of contacting him since he blocked me and it’s killing me everyday that he still hasn’t even apologized or said anything at all to me.
He doesn’t owe you any apology you laid the bed you are now in. You disrespected him and made him suffer. It”s only natural that he chooses the option to avoid a repeat of that suffering
Very good response.
How exactly is this a good response ? Sounds to me like each of the two in the relationship did the exact same thing. Not one person is more to blame than the other. The difference is that she was actually able to realize her mistakes and was honest with him about her feelings. He on the other hand lied about being in a relationship, and made her feel guilty about it ?
People are so quick to blame others. She did not disrespect him any more than he disrespected her.
What if my Dumper Ex Girlfriend has an anxiously attachment style and quickly moved into a rebound to get over me? Will she ever come back?
What about if they cheated on you with this person? Is this a rebound? Will I ever hear from him? We haven’t talked in a year and two months. He and the girl he cheated on me with got married 10 months after our breakup, which is a short time period.
Hi Anonymous.
They sure got married very quickly. It’s probably not a rebound since they’d been together for over a year.
You may hear from him if they encounter serious issues or split up.
Stay strong!
Zan
Love this. Done my best to follow the advice only my issue is my ex owes me money. I made a loan to him not long before he left me. We’d been dating well over a year and i didn’t see it coming. Within a month of leaving he’d started seeing someone else. He agreed to pay the money back entirely but after chasing he can’t seem to get a decent interest rate elsewhere and so is stalling.
Therefore I cant really go NC properly till its sorted and its been 4 months now. His new gf doesn’t have the funds to help but hes now using my money to date her which is a little annoying. Its gonna take almost 3 years to pay it back otherwise but i thought it would be better if we could go our separate ways till he realises his error (we broke up after a lot of stressful events we’d both had that were out of our control and neither of us coped very well but it wasn’t something that would likely happen again).
Unless you think its better to be nice and let him pay it back slowly but i feel thats making a fool of my kind nature.
Hi Sarah.
I wouldn’t pressure him into paying or you’ll have to resort to suing him.
I suggest that you talk to some people with more experience in this field.
Best of luck,
Zan