If you’re a dumpee and you’re looking for signs your ex is leaving the door open, you need to understand that most dumpers don’t leave the doors open. They don’t think about getting back with their exes and being happy with them because they’re happy being single and stress-free.
They’re in a process of recovering from the exhausting end of the prolonged relationship and need time to themselves to process the breakup.
So before you look for signs that your ex is leaving the doors open, look for signs that your ex isn’t leaving the doors open. Look for signs of suffocation, anger, or discontent and learn if your ex’s perception of you is under par.
If it is, you don’t have to look for signs that your ex is leaving the door open. You won’t find any signs even if you look because a mean, smothered ex has no intention of coming back to you. He or she wants things to stay as they are because the breakup provides him or her a sense of relief.
This is the way dumpers feel after the breakup.
They’re fully or mainly over their ex and need something extremely influential to change their decision about the breakup. Something negative strong enough to make them reflect.
So wait for something or someone to change your ex’s perceptions of you before you start looking for signs that your ex is leaving the door open.
This article is dedicated to dumpees whose exes appear to be stringing them along.
1)Your ex is indecisive
Most exes who leave the doors open are very indecisive. They want their exes in their lives as friends or friends with benefits, but they don’t want to commit to them and become their boyfriends or girlfriends.
Such indecisive dumpers want the best of both worlds. They want a friendship without commitment and a relationship without the label.
This is why they often express doubt by saying they want to be with the dumpee, but that the time is wrong and that they must be single for a while.
The “I want to be single for a while” line is of course just a breakup excuse dumpers use to get their ex off their back. But sometimes (although quite rarely), it’s also a sign that a dumper doesn’t know what he or she wants and that the dumper is leaving the door open for when he or she finds himself/herself.
In times like this, the dumper knows that something is wrong with his/her interest in the dumpee, so the dumper promises to come back at a later time.
You should be very careful about an ex who promises to return at an unspecified time in the future because a promising ex often doesn’t return. He or she doesn’t want or need to because he or she doesn’t invest in areas of his/her life that need investing.
The sad part about indecisive dumpers is that most of them don’t know that staying friends with their ex strings their ex along. They don’t know that it push-pulls the dumpee and gives him or her more false hope than he or she can handle.
2)Your ex gives you a lot of attention
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. When your ex gives you a lot of attention and won’t give you space to breathe, your ex has some kind of a plan for you.
Your ex either likes you as a person and wants to be your friend or your ex has feelings for you and wants you back.
If it’s the latter, you can expect your ex to gravitate toward you and get closer to you every day until your ex asks you to be his or her boyfriend or girlfriend again.
But if your ex doesn’t want you back and wants to keep the door open by being your friend (friend-zoning you), then it’s possible that your ex is waiting for some random emotional incentive to trigger his or her cravings for you.
As someone who was left, you don’t want to wait for something to force or encourage your ex to come back to you. You want your ex to either work on his or her feelings and come back right away or tell your ex to stop reaching out and keep moving on.
The choice is yours to make. But if you want the best for yourself, you won’t let your ex come and go as he/she pleases.
You won’t leave the door to your heart open and let your ex give and seek attention by:
- breadcrumbing you
- updating you about irrelevant things
- making plans with you
- promising you things
- and giving you attention on a regular basis
If your ex does these things, it could mean that your ex is having a difficult time not speaking to you and that your ex is leaving the doors open in case he or she re-develops feelings for you and wants you back.
3)Your ex is pretending to be your partner
Another great sign your ex is leaving the door open is if your ex is pretending to be your partner.
This kind of behavior indicates that your ex likes you, but not enough to get back with you and commit to you.
It could also indicate that your ex cares about your feelings and that he or she doesn’t want to leave you alone to suffer. But in that case, your ex will probably support you only for a week or soāuntil you get through the worst separation anxiety.
Anyway, an ex could pretend to be your partner by:
- acting as if the breakup never occurred
- helping you with various tasks and chores
- asking you for your help, opinion, or advice
- spending lots of one-on-one time with you
- and doing the things couples do
If your ex is pretending to be your partner, your ex may still feel something for you. It’s best that you do the opposite of what your instincts tell you to do (ask for space) so that your ex can see what life without you is like.
4)Your ex is still sexually attracted to you
It sucks that some of these signs are so ambiguous, but, unfortunately, they oftentimes mean more things.
In this case, it means one of the following.
- Your ex still feels connected to you and likes being intimate with you.
- Or your ex still finds you sexually attractive and only wants sex without commitment.
You can tell your ex is connected to you and is leaving the door open if your ex appreciates you emotionally and is afraid of being alone.
Conversely, you can tell your ex has put you on the back burner if your ex neglects the emotional parts of the relationship, refuses to take responsibility, and comes back only to flirt with you or to have sex.
If your ex is asking for sexual benefits without committing to you, make sure you don’t give them to your ex. As long as your ex is just an ex, your ex isn’t worthy of being intimate with you.
Your ex is less than a friendāand needs to remain that way until you’ve fully healed.
Keep in mind that having sex with an ex could help you guide your ex back into the relationship. But it could also trigger your emotional longings and open your breakup wounds.
5)Your ex likes you and someone else at the same time
Sometimes dumpers don’t want to commit to their ex or to anyone else before they’re emotionally ready for another relationship. That’s why they put themselves in the center of attention and date their ex and other people at the same time.
If this is happening to you, you need to know that you’re not very high up on your ex’s priority list. You are one of the people your ex strings along for his or her selfish gains.
It’d be wise of you not to compete for your ex’s love against other dating candidates. You’re worth more than thatāand your ex needs to realize that. He or she either needs to realize your worth and commit to you once and for all or leave you alone to heal.
There is no middle road.
You may be an ex – someone your isn’t serious about anymore, but whatever you do, don’t blame yourself for your ex’s decisions. It’s not your fault your ex got the grass is greener syndrome and feels empowered by all the attention he or she receives from other people.
It was your ex who decided to date two people at the same time.
6)Your ex doesn’t want you to date anyone
One of the best signs your ex is leaving the door open is when your ex verbally or non-verbally expresses that you shouldn’t date another person.
This indicates that your ex is jealous and that he or she cares about you a lot.
If your ex didn’t have any feelings left for you, your ex probably wouldn’t care if you get involved with someone new.
Your ex would be accepting of your dating life and would probably get in a new relationship himself or herself.
So if your ex tells you not to date someone else, know that your ex is telling you that for a reason. Your ex feels insecure and jealous and wants your affection to go to him/her.
7)Your ex tells you that he/she loves you
The last sign that your ex is leaving the door open is if your ex keeps telling you that he/she likes you, loves you, cares about you, or admires you.
Words like these mean that your ex enjoys your company and that your ex doesn’t want you to forget about him or her.
Your ex knows that if you detached and found someone else that there’s a chance that your relationship would come to a halt.
And that’s a chance your ex doesn’t want to take. Your ex would rather stay on good terms than not speak at all.
What do you do if your ex is leaving the door open?
If your ex is leaving the door open, you need to understand that staying in contact with your ex is bad for your health. It’s confusing you, giving you false hope, and most importantly, delaying your recovery.
That’s why the best thing to do about an ex who’s giving you mixed signals is to take your ex’s ability to confuse you away. Go indefinite no contact and get your focus off your ex.
Prioritizing your own wants and needs will help you to get some emotional distance from your ex and significantly boost your well-being. It will allow you to once again focus on yourself and give you the strength to fall back in love with yourself.
And don’t worry about what your ex will think and how he or she will react. Your ex is no longer the person you should worry about. The only person that is suffering and needs help right now is you.
Do you think your ex is leaving the door open? What’s your ex doing to string you along? Leave your comment below this post.
And if you’re looking for personalized 1-on-1 guidance,Ā click hereĀ to see our coaching plans.
My ex won’t return my stuff. I messaged him asking if I could grab some things. He took 3 weeks to get back to me, and had a little rant about how of course I can grab my things, but it needs to be at a time we both agree on. And then he unfriended me on Facebook.
I know this tactic from watching him talk to the mother of his daughter. He’ll wait an unreasonably long amount of time and then give an answer that appears to be reasonable and helpful, but actually isn’t.
I actually hope that he’s not doing that out of any desire to get back because I’ve decided I’m not playing. It’s stuff. I can get more stuff. And I have the added joy of knowing that he dislikes clutter, so he’ll just get annoyed when he realizes that I’m not going to bother trying again. Call me mean but I’m actually enjoying that thought.
Hi Berenice.
If you don’t need your things back (if they can be replaced), forget about them. They’re not worth the time, effort, and emotions they will take to get them back. Use this time to focus on detachment and growth.
Best regards,
Zan
Hey Zan – I had a question. In a previous article, you mentioned going no contact wont work if your ex is giving you the opportunity to show improvement and grow. However, in this article, you recommend that an ex who is indecisive and who is leaving the door open, one should apply the no contact rule. Maybe there’s a difference I am not seeing here.
My ex and I split on the terms of deciding to work on ourselves, and we both want to stay in contact. We’re still using the L word and acting affectionate toward each-other and it feels good. We both agreed even that we seem to be resolving some of our comminication issues and growing closer to some degree. However, I am having a hard time dealing with being apart bc my life has been very in the wind and I have little else to help me feel grounded. Therefore, I have relied on her more than I anticipated and indicated desires to be together again, which she has affirmed that need to be apart for now and we cannot see this as just a break if we expect ourselves to really grow.
So, I am finding it very difficult to decide how to go about this situation. I don’t want to be too involved in her life if it means I am just helping her feel the decision is permanent. I guess that hinges on how I act going forward, and how ready I am to deal with the fact that it may be permanent. Should I take some space for myself so that I can better swallow that fact, or is it right for us to continue to be close so that we might come to a place where we’ve resolved things eventually?
Thanks
Hi Tom.
If your ex specifically says to prove your commitment and observes your progress, you should do your best to do what you need to do. But if your ex is ignoring you or not interested in your growth, you need to go no contact.
In your case, you should continue conversing. You’re still affectionate and agree that it’s working, so continue to self-invest. If things don’t change in a week or so, then you can take a few steps back and work on yourself without talking to her.
I would persevere a little longer and try not to rely on her emotionally too much. Use this time to become more independent.
Let me know how it goes.
Zan
A guy pursued me endlessly, showed off all cars, trucks. Told me he would never leave, I got wary. It was too much too fast.and he pursued, then he became evasive, no more fun texting. Just nothing. So I told him that if he wanted me to let me know, after so much adoration, etc.etc..after 4 days I texted him a d Told him I missed him, I did now he says he dearly cares about me very much but he needs time..is it over?
Hi Judy.
It seems that the guy found another distraction. You’ve already told him you’re interested, so now he has to put in the effort and slow down a bit.
Kind regards,
Zan
Broke up with my ex 3 weeks ago. I was the dumpee. Our breakup was easy for him. No begging or pleading and I have gone no contact since. But so far he has reached out once every week, asking how I am, sending me some work stuff (not urgent) and recently asked if I would like to meet for dinner on the eve of my birthday. Iāve declined of course, cos whatās the point?
Are those actions of his considered breadcrumbs? And leaving door opened? What does he want?
Hi Tricia.
Your ex is breadcrumbing you because he wants to stay friends with you. I think rejecting his invitation was a good idea.
Kind regards,
Zan
Zan can you please notice my comment I need an answer, I have been doing my no contact for a year but I’m still thinking about her, then this morning she sent me a friend request but then deleted it, I checked my messages she sent me also a message and quickly unsent it which I didn’t know what she sent me because I was not checking my phone when she sent the message, I am confused right now what should I do? Btw it’s on facebook
Hi Jandel.
I suggest you don’t accept your ex’s friendship. If she has something important to tell you, she’ll find a way to do that.
Best regards,
Zan
It has been a few months since the breakup. I have gone no contact for two months. My ex started to reach out to be friends after I asked for space. I refused friendship before but accepted after he got upset. I thought I could handle it but itās giving me false hope and preventing me from letting go completely. I read the article and it makes sense. Whether I am trying to find signs he is leaving the door open is not helping me to fully heal. The last paragraph on what to do is a hard decision to make but I know it needs to be done. His motivation for continuing to contact is most likely for selfish reasons.
Hi Sue.
I know itās hard, but I hope youāve been able to cut your ex off by going no contact.
Sincerely,
Zan
I had an ex leave a door open, but only because he was so self-absorbed that he couldnāt bother, or maybe forgot, to close it. He barely dumped me with a vague, noncommittal text with which he likely hoped Iād be able to read between the lines. This happened after a confusing period of slow-fading. I had to gain the strength in myself to follow no contact and move on. It helped me immensely, and from my rear view he appeared rather unaffected.
That was a couple of years ago, Iāve since tended to my wounded heart, brushed off the dust and have entered a relationship with someone who Iāve been able to build something special with, someone who shows up for me in ways I need from a partner (and I hope I do the same for him). Iāve discovered a safe space with someone where intimacy and trust grows, and if I didnāt cut contact with my ex I donāt think Iād be where I am today.
Still, I didnāt like how I reacted in the breakup, I shut down and closed the door without much to say. I did contact him once to apologize for my lack of communication at the end and how I walked away, as I violated my own values and I feel like that did both of us a disservice (especially to myself). I should have been more clear with my feelings and interpretation of the situation so that I wasnāt left to wonder what the hell just happened. However, walking away was still the best thing I did in that situation and I had only wished that I did it with more communication on my part regardless of his actions/words (or lack thereof). In short, fear of rejection caused me to shrink back and move on instead of courageously addressing the situation and then moving on.
There is so much truth in this article. Many dumpers donāt want to close that door as it is taking one more option away from them (that they arenāt going to pursue wholeheartedly anyway, itās just that they want you to stick around as an option). Allowing that door to stay open longer than it needs to can bleed precious energy and time from the dumpee. The sooner you can gather the courage to close the door (in the healthiest manner possible), the closer you will be to something much more fulfilling and meaningful, whether itās a new relationship or something else that is important in your life.
Thanks for your words of advice, Carly!
Itās going to help many dumpees regain their self-esteem.
Zan
I was like hmm letās see the newest article and crushed ādreamsā on first paragraph haha
āIf youāre a dumpee and youāre looking for signs your ex is leaving the door open, you need to understand that most dumpers donāt leave the doors open.ā Perfect what we ALL ALL need to understand!
And the best thing I ever did in my life itās that I went into indefinite no contact and git the focus off my ex. And all thanks to you Zan!!!
Sorry for crushing your dreams, Linda. š
I know it’s hard to accept that exes don’t leave the doors open, but it’s true. They focus on the present and don’t like thinking about the future.
Zan