Since dumpees and dumpers go through different stages, it wouldn’t be fair to generalize and say that exes always hate each other and want nothing to do with each other. The only thing dumpees and dumpers have in common after the breakup is that they both see the breakup from different angles and that they’re hurt, angry, and want control.
Other than that, dumpees and dumpers blame each other for completely different reasons. While dumpers have power and control and want dumpees to understand the suffering they went through, dumpees feel discarded (often in denial) and seek control, sympathy, and understanding for the pain they are currently going through.
They want dumpers to reassure them that they are smart, beautiful, and worthy of love and that the breakup wasn’t entirely their fault. That’s why they attempt to take control over a situation they lack control over by reacting with anger and trying to bring a reaction out of their ex.
A strong reaction would reassure them that they’re capable of affecting their ex emotionally and that they are more important than their ex’s words and actions made them out to be. They just need to hit their ex’s weak spot before and watch their ex validate them.
It’s no secret that people in pain try to regain control over their emotions. Their objective is to deliver a powerful punch to the gut because a punch would hurt the person who hurt them and make them feel better (reassured). It’d make them think they’re important and give them a sense of control.
This is the reason why some people take revenge on their ex. They want to show their ex who’s boss and prove their worth even though revenge proves the opposite. It makes them look weak and not in control of their suffering.
Anyway, when you understand that dumpees’ egos and self-esteem take a toll after the breakup, you’ll understand that they’re in immense pain and that all they want is to feel valued and respected. The way they go about it is wrong because bringing others down and hurting them to uplift themselves can’t be justified, but they can’t help themselves.
They aren’t ready to handle things better because they haven’t done the work on themselves. They’re still undeveloped self-control-wise, so they react instinctually.
Many dumpees blame their ex when struggling to accept their ex’s behavior and deal with their anxiety. It’s something they’ve always done. Maybe just to a lesser extent because they didn’t have a strong reason to take their pain out on their ex.
But what about dumpers? Surely, they’re not in excruciating pain and have no reason to treat their struggling dumpee badly? Well, dumpers may not feel rejected and obsessed with their ex, but they do latch on to the negative aspects of the relationship. They forget about the good times they had with their ex and the things their ex did for them throughout the relationship, so they focus on their ex’s bad points.
They do this because they’ve exhausted themselves with negative thinking and prefer to defend themselves by blaming their ex for the way their ex made them feel.
This means that they focus strongly on the black picture they’ve painted of their ex and by doing so, convince themselves that they’re victims of mistreatment or abuse. As a result, they soon start feeling like victims too. And that’s when they begin to crave space and can’t stand being around their ex.
If they run into their ex, they typically avoid their ex like the plague. And if their dumpee ex forces them to talk or begs and pleads with them for a second chance, they feel trapped, guilty, and disrespected and tend to get angry about it.
Not all dumpers say nasty things, of course, as some can be quite empathetic, but many dumpers do get angry and start blaming their ex. They feel that their ex doesn’t respect their decision, so they candidly express their feelings and make sure their ex knows his or her place and is aware of his or her biggest flaws and mistakes.
Dumpers are often so direct after the breakup that their ex understands their intentions and feelings and stops bothering them. Frankness is their best method for keeping their ex at a distance and moving on. If their ex bothers them while they’re trying to focus on themselves, they quickly get angry and tend to quickly push their ex away.
Some dumpers block and ignore, but others feel too guilty to do that. They first try to knock some sense into their ex by explaining what their ex said or did wrong.
So if your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend or ex-husband/wife blames you for everything and you’re not sure why, bear in mind that your ex is either holding on to the past or is in a lot of pain and wants reassurance. Either way, your ex wants you to do something or stop doing something.
You need to figure out what that is.
This post is for readers whose ex blames them for everything.
Why does my ex blame me for everything?
If your ex blames you for everything, including ruining his or her life, you’re dealing with someone who’s in a lot of pain. Not only is this person in pain, but he or she is also immature and not ready to deal with the situation he or she is in.
Your ex is merely reacting to unwanted emotions and making them worse rather than handling them intelligently by trying to understand them and control them. To control them, your ex would need to understand that he or she has attached unhealthy emotions with who you are and that you’re not a bad person.
Your ex stayed with you for a while, so you can’t be that bad. Your ex is just making it look like you are because your ex had allowed anger to develop into resentment.
And that’s not your fault. You don’t have control over someone’s ability to process difficult emotions. You can only hope that that person is mature and knows what he or she is doing.
You see, when relationships end, ex-couples often play the blame game. They don’t like taking responsibility, so they make each other responsible for the end of the relationship and the way they feel. This is how they attempt to justify their feelings and actions and remain strong and in control.
Blaming behavior is essentially a self-defense mechanism that those who feel threatened engage in. Only the most mature people understand that blaming an ex is counterintuitive and a big hindrance to who they are and want to be.
So remember that only hurt people blame others. Some are looking for a self-empowering reaction whereas others are trying to push people away and let them deal with their problems on their own.
If your ex is the one reaching out to you, your ex is most likely feeling victimized and wants you to take responsibility. By taking responsibility, you would ease your ex’s anxiety, fears, worries, and regrets and allow your ex to move on.
But if your ex is not talking to you and you’re the one reaching out, then your ex is just taking his or her frustrations out on you so that you take the hint that the relationship is over and leave him or her be.
Your ex doesn’t need any answers because in your ex’s mind, he or she has been treated badly, unfairly, or not the way your ex wanted to be treated and now needs space to process the breakup.
Here’s an infographic showing why dumpers and dumpees blame each other after the breakup.
If your ex is blaming you a lot, this doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. People who blame others usually do so because emotions are clouding their judgment. They think their ex is to blame when in reality, they just lack control over their emotions and can’t see things from their ex’s perspective.
So whatever you do, don’t blame yourself for things your ex accused you of. If you think you can do better at those particular things, invest in them and make sure to do better next time. But don’t let your ex bring you down just because your ex is furious.
If your ex is in pain, your ex can deal with it maturely by talking about it. There’s no need to direct anger toward you.
What to do when your ex blames you for everything?
The reason that your ex blames you for everything is that your ex doesn’t want to feel responsible for the breakup. Your ex wants you to admit fault and give him or her more power and control.
Should you do that depends on whether you’re the dumpee or the dumper.
If you’re the dumpee, you have nothing else to give to your ex. Your ex already has enough power and doesn’t need any more. Your ex probably can’t handle more power because if you give it to him/her, your ex is likely going to blame you and treat you as someone with no significance.
If you’re the dumper, however, then you should give some of your power away. You should admit that you’re not perfect either and that you’d like to apologize for some of your mistakes. Don’t give false hope by saying you might get back together in the future, but do say that you’re trying to work on yourself and that you’d appreciate any constructive criticism.
That will show that you’re open to criticism (not judgment), calm your ex down, and make your ex blame himself or herself less. Taking responsibility is the easiest and quickest way to deescalate a highly emotional situation that’s getting out of control.
The only way this tactic may not work is if your ex is extremely immature and hurt or if your ex has some kind of mental health illness. An illness could cause your ex to abuse your power and enable him or her to hurt you when you’re willing to talk and be vulnerable.
In that case, you shouldn’t tolerate your ex’s blaming behavior. You should say that you know he/she is hurt, but that you can’t get over this hurdle if you blame each other. Say that you’ll be much more successful if you keep a clear head and work together.
If you try to defuse the situation by using words like “we, us” rather than “you,” your ex will probably calm down and give you a break. But if your ex doesn’t stop blaming you and being angry with you, then you might just have to leave the conversation.
It’s not the ideal thing to do, but if your ex doesn’t care about you and keeps hurting you, you need to protect yourself.
Fortunately, though, most people will calm down and listen to you when you show them you care about them. You just have to lower your ego and pride and choose your words wisely.
The less defensive you appear and the less you blame your ex back, the sooner your ex will stop blaming you for everything you did and didn’t do.
So before you get angry and vengeful and block your ex out of your life, talk to your ex. Don’t just interpret your ex’s anger as a direct attack and react to it. There’s a reason your ex is blaming you for everything. Learning that reason could help you improve your flaws and teach you a thing or two about handling difficult situations better.
It could also show you that you may not have done anything to hurt your ex directly, but that you ended up hurting your ex indirectly. That would imply that simply apologizing to your ex (sympathizing) could decrease your ex’s suffering and make it easier for your ex to get over the breakup.
I’m not defending your ex and saying you should tolerate abuse. All I’m saying is that you might be able to make the situation better if you try to understand your ex’s reasons for lashing out. Your ex may be blaming you, but secretly, your ex is looking for your understanding and peace.
If your ex is the dumpee, your ex wants love, reassurance, care, understanding, support. And if your ex is the dumper, your ex is after your understanding and needs lots of space and time to process the way the breakup makes him or her feel.
The best thing you can do is to find out what your ex is going through, say you understand why he/she feels that way, take responsibility, apologize for directly or indirectly causing pain, and leave your ex alone. Your ex will probably get tired of blaming you as soon as you sympathize and take a step back.
Does your ex blame you for everything? Do you feel tempted to fight fire with fire? Post your course of action below.
If you’re not sure what to do and want our help, Magnet of Success also does breakup coaching. Check out our services here.
Hi Zan!
Great article. Very insightful. I would love your brief take on this. My girlfriend of two years broke up with me a few months ago. It was pretty back and forth. We were pretty happy with a few arguments here and there. She left for a friends house to sort out her emotions instead of talking to me about our issues. She contacted me 5 days later saying she wanted to move out but āstill talkā and I was like āif we work this out it should togetherā she came back home and said she was so sorry and that she loved me but then flipped again when she was on her way back home later and said she wasnāt coming back. She broke up with me and said everything was my fault and listed out in detail every small fight we ever had. Since then weāve seen each other to try and talk and she ends up saying she canāt but then wants to make out with me. But then wonāt respond to my texts. Itās only when she sees me in Person that she goes back to āliking meā . We talked about hanging out and she said that sounded really nice, but then recently I told her I wanted to talk about the break up and she said āno, I need space but sometime we canā two weeks later I messaged her again and she flipped on me and blocked me. Then she posted about a fun date she was on with a guy on Twitter less than a week after that. When I didnāt mention the breakup she would want to see me, but if I did want to talk about our issues (which we never talked about and Iām still in the dark) she would turn on me. Iām so confused. Sorry for the ramble. This sucks!
Oh and she still keeps saying that sheās āstill in love with meā. I asked her to stop because itās confusing
Hi Adam.
The relationship has ended. She’s friendlier and warmer in general in person because she feels bad and doubtful about breaking up. These doubt won’t go away on their own. They’ll stay as long as she’s ignoring them. And she’ll ignore them for quite some time. Remember that she needs to go through the breakup stages and that her love is gone. If she loved you, she wouldn’t have left.
Go NC and show her you won’t let her confuse you.
Kind regards,
Zan
HI zna I know I’m late with this list but if you get it I hope you can help me.
My boyfriend and I had been together for nearly 2 years. At first we were all good I really did fall for him quickly. But in March last year, I found out he was cheating on me with another girl, we never argued or anything but I did message the other girl and we ganged up against him. Anyway he decided to come back to me and I foolishly went back. I had asked him for some space but the thought of giving him space scared me because I thought he would go back to the other girl. He never truly apologised he took me to London and spent a lot of money taking me out for dinner and shopping. He said that was his way of saying sorry. I asked him if we could talk about the cheating and figure out how to move forward so we can rebuild the trust. He told me that it was up to me if I wanted to trust him or not but he felt he had done his part. I felt resentment a bit I held onto that resentment since then and I became toxic, I would constantly bring up the cheating in every argument. I didn’t trust him, a few times he wasn’t paying rent when he just decided to move in with me without ever asking or discussing it with me. I locked him out a couple of times. Now he is saying I caused him to be unstable in life and that he has no peace in the relationship. Each time I try to explain how his actions affect me. He says I’m the bad person. Now he broke up with me after I was working away for 2 weeks and he would take hours to reply me but I could see him online and he would intentionally decline my calls. Now he is blaming everything on me every bad thing that happened in our relationship he is saying what a horrible woman I am and all sorts of nasty things. I have been going therapy and working on myself. But is this someone who loved me at all. In his defense he did try to make up for his actions but I just resented him so much that all his efforts didn’t make a difference to me. I was fixated on wanting him to apologise and have an actual discussion with me. Which now he has acknowledged he should have done but says he doesn’t want the relationship anymore. Arw we done for good?
Love from UK
Kudzie
He also said he has emotionally and mentally checked out. But he stayed with me for 2 months after the break up until I had to ask him to leave because I didn’t see the point, he was barely coming home staying out 3-4 nights a week. But when I would go out he would ask me if I’m going on a date and text me to make sure I’m OK. It was confusing because if he is checked out then why does he care what I’m doing?
Hi Kudzie.
This person didn’t realize how cheating affected you. Instead of talking to you about and gaining your trust back, he expected you to trust him instantaneously and never bring it up. That’s not how people process cheating. They need to open up about it whenever they feel anxious and scared.
You, on the other hand, shouldn’t have brought it up every time you argued. Telling him he cheated made him feel blamed and dragged him back to the past.
Sadly, the relationship is over for now. You must respect his decision, get over him, and let him come to you if he chooses to do so.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi zan,
I’m wiritng this because I want to gain prospective on where or what I could have done better. Me and my ex where together for 6 months it was great at the start we saw each other every day since the first date. My ex and I had our issues mine being communication and how my anger would be taken out on him, his was his insecurities and lack of patient’s we had lots of great times together. When he got insecure I didn’t really know how to communicate in the greatest of ways, while this was happening he would become extremely sad and felt unwanted and unloved. He gave me everything he could, tried so much with me but he felt he was never enough. upon talking about what needed to be fixed we both worked to fix our own flaws, however I was struggling to try and get out of my old habits, however I did start to see a difference on how I approached situations. I felt like it was a slow progress but progress neither the less, we broke up recently because I needed space during an argument and I wasn’t able to get said space, so I told a white lie and said I was asleep which rightfully so back fired on me, as well as me also being hurtful towards him he said he couldn’t trust me, that I’m no longer his best friend like I used to be but that he doesn’t want us to finish and that he also loves me, he hates the idea of us not being together
but also can’t continue with the relationship as he doesn’t trust what I say. He also lied to me as well because of his insecurities and then when we where breaking up he blamed me for everything that went wrong, said he hated me he does still talk to me but I’m wondering if nc can help us fix things? As we’re compatible in every other way bar from the issues mentioned. Should I move on or try nc and reach out after it?
Hi Brooklyn.
Your ex invested in you because he wanted you to do the same to him. But because he didn’t feel prioritized, he felt hurt and unwanted. Soon, he couldn’t trust you with his happiness and health anymore, so he turned to anger for power and started despising you.
No contact is your only option now, Brooklyn. You have to give him space so he can disassociate negative thoughts and feelings from you.
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex dumped me 3 weeks ago. We dated for a year, got engaged, and 9 months later she ended the relationship. I didn’t beg when she did, I accepted it. I did 3 weeks NC, sent her a letter. Told her I changed (been going to therapy) which is true. Apologized for the things I took responsibility for. Asked her for a new chapter in our relationship. She answered the email, was happy I was going to therapy, blamed me for pretty much everything. Told me she has no feelings for me, but still cares about me.
I’m going to do another 30 NC, any chance that will help? Or do I just move on? We’re both 36.
Hi Bieb.
Do another 30 days of no contact. If she doesn’t come back after that and you feel less hopeful, start indefinite no contact. Don’t reach out to her no matter what.
Best,
Zan
My ex blamed me when he just lacked control over his emotions and couldn’t see things from my perspective.
But itās okay now thatās part of the past.
I went no contact with Zan’s help, and it was the best decision that I ever made in my life.
Hi Linda.
It indeed is a part of the past. Your ex tried to make you responsible, but he failed. You’re smart enough to understand that he betrayed you and treated you really badly.
On to better things, Linda.
Best,
Zan
Zan, I would really like your insight on my situation, just to understand what happened. I was wih my ex GF for 2 years, a wonderful relationship even if after the first 6 months she became a bit avoidant. I often felt taked for granted and she used to apologize because she doesn’t know how to express her feelings. We were Long Distance but I managed to go to her town basically every weekend and I was planning to move to her city. During the last two months of the relationship things became really difficult because a lot of things happened in her life and we were unable to see on the weekend and I felt she became a little bit distant but every time we had the opportunity to stay together everything was perfect as before. The real problem was that she didn’t want to introduce me to her family, because she lost both her parents and one sister and she was really scared to introduce a person. In december we got into a fight because I told her that it was impossible to stay together if we can’t see eachothers for months because she doesn’t want to introduce to her family, I asked her to explain me what I could do to make things works, she basically deactivated and broke up with me over text, telling me that she was overwhelmed with life and could not afford a relationship anymore because she feels like she is always running. I accepted and went NC. 2 weeks later sha called me to ask me to help her with a legal problem (I’m a lawyer), I told her that I didn’t see that as a good idea, not if she is still uninterested in a relationship. She told me she was confused and asked me for days to think about it. At the beginning of the year she reached out to tell me that she doesn’t see a future with me due to our problems and that she is depressed and asked me to stay in her life. I said no, she got mad. After 20 days of NC she reached out again, she was flirty but avoided to see me in person. Last week I told her that staying in touch for me is not a good idea because I still have feelings for her. She responded that her feelings has changed but she wants me to stay in her life because she knows hou difficult is not hearing from me. I said goodbye, she told me that she hopes I can change my mind because she still wants me in her life and refused to say goodbye, she ended that conversation telling me “hope to hear you soon”. I don’t understand what went wrong, we had a beautiful relationship, and I can’t understand why she wants to stay attached to me.
Hi Antimeridiana.
I think you pressured her to introduce you to her family faster than she was comfortable doing. Of course, 2 years was a good time to do it, but she couldn’t because she had developed some kind of fear. I’m not sure if she feared judgment (reaction), but she couldn’t do it. She was dealing with other stressors, so she chose to run away in the end.
Her post-breakup behavior can be considered breadcrumbing. She was trying to flirt, but not because she had feelings for you. I think she just missed the feeling of connection.
Kind regards,
Zan
So there’s no chance to turns things around… I will stay in No Contact. I thought that maybe the fact that she still wanted a connection was a good sign…
Hi Antimeridiana.
She probably feels guilty and wants to keep you around for convenience. If she loved you, she would have come back by now.
Sincerely,
Zan