Time and silence after the breakup go hand in hand. They both help you recover from the post-breakup blues and provide you with a clearer understanding of your past relationship.
They don’t, however, guarantee that your ex will return as some relationship experts claim.
That would be too good to be true as the return of your ex strongly depends on the circumstances occurring in your ex’s life. By “circumstances,” I’m not talking about the dumper’s new and exciting life and the people he or she spends time with.
That just wouldn’t motivate the dumper to think about you and miss you.
I’m referring to the stressful, painful, and gut-wrenching circumstances that make your ex doubt his or her actions and regret dumping you.
A few examples of events that could improve the way your ex thinks about you are rebound relationships, losing a family member, getting fired, and falling into depression.
Simply put, if your ex is not as happy as he or she was with you, chances are that your ex will realize your worth and become nostalgic. He or she could notice that you had some great personality traits that he or she took for granted and that you’re actually a good person to date.
But for that to happen, your ex has to learn some important lessons first! Your ex has to go through a self-reflecting negative experience and encounter a big issues. This is because difficulties in life create anxiety, fear, regret, and nostalgia and motivate dumpers to doubt their biggest decisions in life.
If they doubt themselves a lot, they can essentially realize that their ex is happy and they’re not and that they need to get back with their ex to rely on their ex before their ex moves on and doesn’t want them back.
So whatever you do, don’t pin your hopes only on the power of silence after the break-up. Silence may indeed help your ex run into trouble and reflect on the relationship, but nobody can guarantee that your ex will come back.
You especially shouldn’t put your happiness in your ex’s hands if your ex is happy and having fun without you.
By waiting for an ex to have an epiphany, you’ll essentially put your life on hold for so long that you’ll get over your ex and eventually regret wasting your life. You may as well use the post-breakup time in a way that promotes recovery and helps you become the best version of yourself.
Do that and I guarantee that you won’t even want your ex back anymore.
So while you’re waiting for the power of silence after the break-up to affect your girlfriend or boyfriend the way it needs to, focus on detachment. Do the things that make you happy and keep in mind that people don’t change their feelings about the person they left unless something hurts them and forces them to think and feel differently.
Very seldom do exes come back just because it’s convenient to them. Exes who come back out of boredom or convenience leave again. They don’t have what it takes to remain loyal because they don’t return because of love.
In this article, we’ll talk about the power of silence after the break-up. We’ll go into detail and talk about the times when silence could work in your favor.
The power of silence after the break-up
The power of silence after the break-up can help you in many ways.
It can help you if you committed a lot of post-breakup mistakes and it can also help you if you’re struggling to regain power after the break-up.
No matter what you want to accomplish, radio silence with your ex will help you achieve three things:
- Help you get over the breakup.
- Neutralize your ex’s exhausted mental state.
- Make your ex want to talk to you on his or her own terms.
The majority of dumpees hear from their exes within the first 6 months—and chances are that you will too.
Even if you begged and pleaded with your ex, you probably didn’t push your ex away forever. Not unless you kept pestering your ex for so long that your ex blocked you and got a restraining order against you.
If that’s what happened, you didn’t respect your ex’s breakup decision and a need for space and may have pushed your ex too far.
You showed your ex that you don’t have the strength to stop your impulses and told your ex that you care about yourself way more than you care about his or her suffocating emotions.
The power of no contact after the breakup may not be able to get your ex back, but it will help you respect yourself, improve your self-esteem, and regain your dignity.
How much begging is too much begging?
I wish I could say how much begging and pleading is too much after the breakup, but I can’t because each and every dumper interprets begging behavior differently.
Some dumpers reach their tipping point after two days whereas others tolerate it for weeks or months.
How much pestering is too much really depends on a person’s maturity and self-awareness. If the dumper understands why you’re hurting, he or she might tolerate it longer than an immature ex who’s dating someone else.
But generally speaking, most people can’t handle 3 or 4 weeks of begging as displaying so much unsightly behavior almost always pushes the dumper to the other side of the planet and makes him or her bitter and unreceptive.
This means that the less begging the dumpee does, the more likely it is that the dumpee will hear from the dumper in the future.
I suppose this also depends on the quality and length of the romantic relationship, the dumper’s guilt, and his or her overall happiness and success.
Just keep in mind that not every reach-out indicates that the dumper wants the dumpee back. Most reach-outs are mere breadcrumbs that show the dumper regrets hurting the dumpee.
Take back the power with radio silence
If your ex hates you and has moved on, try not to take it too personally. Right now, your ex is focusing on the negative parts of the relationship and is incapable of seeing your good qualities. This is normal because your ex had been thinking about leaving you for a long time.
He or she just couldn’t find the courage and time to do it.
So as difficult as the breakup has been, try to give your ex the space he or she needs. Do that by cutting your ex off and letting your ex come to you.
Even though you feel inclined to fix your ex’s problems, know that you can’t do that. Any attempts to meddle with your ex’s head are only going to make things worse as your ex will see that you’re in pain and not ready to accept the breakup.
As a dumpee, you just don’t possess the power to change your ex’s mind. You can’t do it because your ex associates unhealthy emotions with you and doesn’t feel safe letting you close. So don’t contact an ex who dumped you because any kind of contact from you could empower your ex further and delay the time it takes for your ex to respect you and talk to you.
The fact that your ex left you means that he or she needs to go through the breakup stages for the dumper and that you need to go through yours. So give your ex what he or she is asking for. Give your ex space, time, and silence so that your ex doesn’t find more reasons to stay broken up with you.
If you’re still friends on Facebook and Instagram, that doesn’t mean that you’re real friends. You’re ex-partners who fell out of love because you, your ex, or both couldn’t maintain the relationship.
You need to understand that feelings can change and that when they do, it’s time to pack your stuff and leave. No crying, begging, kicking, and screaming is going to change that. Only the dumper can change the way he or she feels. But the dumper must really want to.
The dumper must find a reason to change the way he or she perceives the dumpee so that feelings of love can return.
So no matter how tempted you feel to reach out to your ex, remain faithful to no contact. Stay in no contact indefinitely so that your ex can enjoy the breakup and get in some kind of trouble.
I’m not saying your ex will get in trouble, but if your ex does, chances are that he or she will reflect and come running back.
Silence is key after a breakup
A lot of dumpees apply the 30-day no contact rule and hope their ex will come back. They do this because they’re hopeful and think their ex only needs a little bit of time to calm down and think things through.
The truth, though, is that the dumper doesn’t just need some fresh air. The dumper has lost his or her romantic feelings, so time alone won’t help the dumper come back. It will just make him or her happy and allow the dumper to keep moving on.
You see, when the dumpee reaches out after 30, 45, 60, or any pre-set number of days, the dumper usually responds in a neutral/respectful way.
At that point, the dumper isn’t thinking about coming back at all. He or she is merely trying to do the morally right thing (which is to respond) and not hurt the dumpee more than he or she already has.
Sooner than later, though, the dumper usually gets tired of replying and stops responding altogether. The dumper just can’t handle the dumpee’s expectations anymore and can’t enjoy his or her post-breakup life.
That’s when the dumpee gets hurt (more hurt) and becomes even more emotionally dependent on the dumper.
So if you’re always reaching out first and your ex doesn’t show any signs of interest, start following the rules of no contact immediately.
You needed to cut your ex off sooner, but that’s okay. It’s better late than never.
The power of silence after the break-up will now give your ex some space and encourage your ex see you in a better light. It will do that even if you’ve been talking to your ex on a regular basis and couldn’t regain your self-worth and independence.
So if you’re struggling to cope with anxiety and not contacting your ex is hard, know that it’s going to be even harder when you find out your ex is dating other people. That’s when you’re going to suffer immensely and might even blame yourself for your ex’s actions and mistakes.
Silence is key after the breakup. I encourage you to leave your ex alone right now if you haven’t already.
Why is it important to respect the power of silence after the break-up?
If you’re the dumpee, your ex has power over you. Your ex decides what he or she does and most importantly, how he or she treats you. You can’t control what your ex does and shouldn’t attempt to. If you attempt to control your ex, your ex is going to resist it and respond in a way that hurts you.
So be very careful not to hand your heart over to an ex on a silver platter otherwise you could get very hurt. You could suffer so much that you reset your healing process and fall into depression.
You have to understand that your ex stopped reciprocating your love long ago and doesn’t depend on you anymore. Your ex has different plans for the future—and those plans don’t involve you.
But that’s okay. All that matters from now on is that you find your own strength to carry on and leave your ex to his or her own devices.
You may not like the idea of letting the universe take care of your ex, but if you don’t respect your ex’s premeditated breakup decision, you’ll only make things worse.
You’ll quickly lose the remaining respect in your ex’s eyes and possibly even do something desperate because of it.
Something like:
- text or call your ex
- apologize profusely
- show up at your ex’s front door
- threaten your ex’s new partner
- get extremely angry
- take revenge on your ex
When you become desperate for recognition, your self-esteem will take a huge toll. It will sink so low that you’ll put your hopes on your ex and see your ex as your savior. And that’s not a good idea. Your ex may be able to help you feel better, but if he or she isn’t doing that already, your ex probably doesn’t want to.
Your ex wants to focus on his/her friends and family and keep moving forward. So keep your hurt feelings to yourself. Don’t reach out and demand anything from your ex either.
The fact that your ex is your ex means that he or she doesn’t want to give you what you want—and that there’s nothing you can do to change that.
If there was something you could do, your ex would show you or tell you.
My advice is not to attempt to be friends with your ex because your ex won’t come back through friendship.
He or she has some lessons to learn first. Only when your ex has learned those lessons (the hard way) is when your ex will become nostalgic about you and maybe even miss you.
With that said, here’s what the power of silence after the break-up does for you and your ex.
As a dumpee, you must stay in no contact and focus solely on yourself.
If you don’t self-prioritize, you’ll tell your ex that you don’t respect yourself and that you’re willing to settle for friendship as long as you can keep your ex in your life.
What message does the power of silence after the break-up send?
How your ex feels about you depends on your ex’s mentality.
If your ex’s mentality is healthy and strong, your ex will think positively about you. And if it’s negative and empowered with hatred, your ex will most likely have negative feelings for you.
No matter what your ex thinks and feels about you after the breakup, the power of silence will do its magic. It will tell your ex that you’re regaining your independence and that you’re moving forward without your ex regardless of what he or she thinks of you.
This may not necessarily bring your ex back, of course, but the time you spend away from your ex will make you the most desirable you can be.
The reason for that is that silence speaks for itself. It sends a powerful message to your ex that says, “I’m strong enough to get over you and enjoy my life without you.”
And that’s all your ex wants and needs to hear.
He or she doesn’t want you to fight for him/her like in some Hollywood movie. That would anger and suffocate your ex badly and make him or her want to get even more space from you.
Your ex might even block you if you try to prove your worth directly.
What your ex wants from you is an easy way out of the relationship and a guilt-free experience. And that’s something you can provide to your ex with radio silence.
All you have to do is cut your ex off without an explanation and focus on enjoying your life again.
Won’t your ex just move on then?
Your ex had moved on long before the day he or she physically left you. Before you even realized your ex was going to leave you, your ex had already prepared his or her exit plan and detached.
So now that it’s over, guilt-tripping your ex and making the breakup difficult for your ex isn’t going to help your ex come back. As a matter of fact, it’s most likely going to annoy your ex and make your ex run for the mountains.
It’s what guilty, angry, and smothered people do. They don’t solve the problems they’d decided to run away from but avoid solving them instead.
And that’s why you mustn’t tell your ex how to work through his or her problems. Sending your ex articles and encouraging your ex to get therapy won’t work. It could have worked during the relationship when your ex still listened to you and found your tips worthy, but now that the breakup happened, it’s too late for that.
Your ex just doesn’t care about fixing things and growing within. Running away from problems and focusing on self-distraction sounds like a much better idea.
The power of silence VS the power of no contact
Silence and no contact are essentially the same things. The only difference between them is that no contact is indefinite whereas silence only appears to be temporary.
The truth is that the silence after the break-up is everlasting.
As long as you’re the dumpee and possess romantic feelings for your ex, you can’t ever break that silence. You just can’t ruin your healing risk pushing your ex away. You can’t do it no matter what’s happening in your ex’s life and how badly you want to reconnect with your ex.
Your ex may be struggling with another relationship, but you can’t interfere with it. If your ex wants your help/get closer to you, he or she will find a way to do that. You won’t even have to life a finger because your ex will need your support and validation.
So if you’re having trouble deciding between going no contact and implementing a short period of silence, start with a pre-set number of days.
Start with a 30-day no contact rule as it will help you get through the grieving stage of the breakup for the dumpee.
But once the 30 days of silence are up, make the silence eternal and continue to move on from your ex.
Whether your ex decides to get back with you or not, you’ll be glad you stayed silent after the breakup.
Do you trust the power of silence after the break-up? Have you come to terms that you can’t be the person to reach out to your ex? I’d like to hear what you think, so share your thoughts in the comments section below.
And if you’d like to sign up for breakup coaching, click here to learn more.
Hey!
I have been in a relationship for 2 years on and off and my boyfriend suddenly dumped me via text ,because he say the pandemic drift us away and the relationship died on October 9 ,oct 10 till date I did the 30 days rule and no response from him,
He seems very happy
I really can tell you how you blog helped me alot I almost read it everyday, I want to tell u during no contact I accidentally called my dumper, and I really dunno I feel so bad about it as it was a mistake by whatsup call, because he doesn’t deserve a miss call from me what do you think about that?
I don’t think there’s much you can do about that. Addressing the situation and letting him know it was an accident just gives the impression you are putting energy into the subject of him (and you would be). Maybe delete his number off your phone and apps so you don’t accidentally contact him anymore. Right now is about YOU and what YOU are doing, your health, your progress, don’t give a call that he happened to miss a second thought.
I wonder if you can make a reflection about dumpers that become Dumpees.
A friend told me about Zan a while back, wish I had known about him long before I responded in unattractive ways at the time of the break. For those of you have been dumped this is the place to be and as painful as your life is right now what you are reading is as close to truth as you are going to find. If someone walks away from you, “let them go”. You both had your chance and now it’s over, whether they return should become less and less a concern of yours and your health and well being should become a priority.
Hi there,
honestly just asking how can you speculate/predict if an ex will come back to you? I mean nobody knows what the future holds. It’s best to just improve on yourself and become a better ‘you’, but nobody actually knows what’s going to happen in the future…
My wife went out our house to go to her parents house, without saying anything to me. We were married for 17 1/2 years, not a happy marriage, cause we argued about my son of a previous relationship. I tried to reach out sometimes, apologysed my faults, but she was always indiferent: didnt reply messages, didnt say anything about simple gifts I sent her. It has been tough for me, this 3 months of silence from her. I dont know what she wants, she doesnt say anything and didnt go through divorce. Please help me, what should i do to have my spouse back?
Hi Zan
i didn’t exactly break up but my girlfriend of 5 months (inc 5 weeks travel together) BUT said she needed space and felt smothered and its too intense – she completely ignored Valentines day and didn’t even message me send a card nothing – and it was her fathers birthday so she visited parents , I replied to a Instagram post she put up and mentioned that – she said i still persist – didnt contact her much just a few those few messages messages – what do you think , seen other dating coach online no contact and dan bacon says leave few days ??
Thanks
Dan Bacon is not the guy to be listening to unless you’re in high school.
Bingo. I am a woman, and I scratch my head at the advice Dan Bacon gives and what he says us women are thinking. Totally not me!!! He is way off the mark in many of his articles.
It sounds like you’re getting faded out, Mark. Sorry, I had an ex fade me out, too. It is painful but you can get through this. Anything you do at this point is not going to help bring her back to you, the ball is in her court. She may come around but from what you describe, I’m going to say it’s unlikely. Anything you do or say toward her will only push her farther, trust me on this. The only thing you can do is work on yourself and be the best person you can be. If you do this enough, you may begin to realize how you need a woman who sees more of your worth and is willing to invest in you! I think sometimes it takes years for the other person to realize their mistake (if they ever realize at all) and by that time you will have created a much better reality for yourself.
Well said Carly ♥
Hi Zan, great article! I’m wondering how much silence and NC applies in my situation though.
My ex and I dated for 4 years and broke up about 15 weeks ago. She didn’t even intend to break up with me actually, we just started arguing about a lingering issue and then she decided that things didn’t feel like they could go forward anymore. She was as regretful to end it as I was, but she felt it was necessary because both of us were hurting as a result of the lingering issue.
Anyways, her gripe was that I generally didn’t commit enough and prioritize her in my life and as such, she felt expendable. Things finally reached a boiling point (lingering issue) and it ended.
I tried NC at first but she kept reaching out and so I’d respond and then she went NC and I’d occasionally reach out. I’m just not sure that NC and silence is the right move here because it seems to confirm the issues she had with me. In effect, my silence indicates that I’m still not prioritizing her. The reality is that I always have valued her and I was just young and dumb. In the time since we’ve split, I’ve realized that I wasn’t outward enough and took the relationship for granted at times.
Hi Michael
I am Asmaa
I think you must in no contact until she reaches out
If she asks for a favor do it for her politely and don’t talk about the breakup
If she starts talking about breakup , speak honestly and stay in calm and confidence
Don’t apologize too much
She will be back, we ladies appreciate self confidence and courage men
Dating for 3 months. If we mutually ended and agreed to be friends for now, due to both coming out of recent relationships, not being in the right place for relationship at the time.
Can either person reach out after a period of time, since it was mutual??
Hey, I’ve a question. My girlfriend ended our 6-months relationship 25/01/20 after 3 weeks of having arguments and trying to fix things. I initiated the breakup. I hurted her, saying I had doubts. I hoped we could work on it together, but I wasn’t expecting her to react so extremely stubborn. She said it was an ego thing and she couldn’t live with it. I didn’t make any post break-up mistakes. I went into no-contact immediately after the break-up. After 3 days she texted me asking how I felt. I ignored it. After 2 weeks she texted me again saying she didn’t understand why I wasn’t replying and ignoring her. She said it was driving her crazy. I responded very shortly “I need time and place to work on myself”, because it seemed rude to just ignore her once again. She responded with saying thank you for texting and she sais she would leave me alone. I didn’t reply and continued no contact again. I believe when she says she’s not gonna text me again. Should I initiate in a few weeks or let it be her call?
*she ended it on 25/01
I’ve been in a couple of relationships in the past where my boyfriend had “doubts”. This is a relationship killer for myself, personally. I want to be with someone who thinks “hell yes” about our relationship… being lukewarm is not awesome after 6 months of dating if there was commitment. It brings a level of insecurity to a relationship and it makes the woman second-guess her every move and over analyze everything while waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s a type of purgatory.
In my experience, breaking up after the guy has doubts… then HIM going no contact? That’s rejection x2. I fail to see how no contact will work for you in regards to getting her back if you had doubts in the beginning… any self-respecting woman is going to walk away from that double whammy, as it sends a strong message. As for her saying it’s an “ego-thing”, it’s possible she misspoke… I’d say it’s a self-respect thing.
Think of it this way: a woman’s boyfriend is “having doubts” and initiates a breakup. Then she’s really hurt that she realizes she was more invested and her first reaction was to walk away. When she cools down and reaches out he ignores her and acts like he’s moving on with life. A woman who knows her worth will not continue to contact him. She will move on.
From your description, I view you as the dumper and her as the dumpee. If you are doing no contact to move on and get over her, then you are doing a fine job.
If she texted to ask how you felt, she likely pushed aside her pride to do that and was genuinely wanting to know where you stood and still at some level had some emotional interest in the relationship. If I said I wasn’t going to text again after a breakup, I’d stick to it. So honestly, if I was your ex and you let it be my call? I would never contact you again regardless of how much my heart was bleeding. I would say the ball is in your court. I’m curious as to what others would say, as there may be those who disagree. Just my two cents, and I’m wishing you the best in whichever path you choose to take.
What happens if you meet someone else and it’s wild?
I will only be with someone who is wild.
Me to
I hope you too can find someone who chooses you
Well if the sex is good,can’t argue with that, sounds wild
It’s always been wild. That’s why he can’t stay away from me. He wishes I was bad at sex so that it can be easier for him to move on. Don’t know how to respond to that. It’s best to stay away for good.
Do you have favorite positions, times of the day,the fact that you’re both cheating?
I’m not cheating. I’m single. We met up twice to hook up in the evening. We are not in contact anymore
That would be my situation if I didn’t commit seriously with No Contact. He is playing with your feelings. Hope you have the strength to fight for what’s best for you.
Makes me sad and depressed. Last time Before he broke no contact I was starting to feel so much better living life. Then he broke no contact and he said he’s been feeling down and missing me in his life. He said it hurts him that I won’t be in his life. I feel guilty. I’m tired of confusion.
You both told each other that you were doing no contact?
Yes. He wants to me to be intimately involved with him. But not have a relationship because he already has one of those
Yes we did. He was only interested in being intimate with me, not have a relationship.
Sounds like there’s no future in with your ex , it’s pitifully toxic. Your ex is manipulating you.
You’re so right. After a 5 year relation I’ve been the dumper for two years. When i tried to get back together i became the dumpee as she moved to a new relation. I see true in your definition of the two characters. I begged and pleaded for short amount of time. When I figured that i was only pulling her away i started no contact. I’ve been NC since April. Once in a while she sends me a message, asking me why I take so long, telling me she miss me wants me back in her life again as friends. I replyed in a polite away but without extending the conversation. With your Bolg i became to understand the concept of breadcrumbs and the real intention with her contact. Although hour rellation was very strong and intense, i believe she beacame vindictive and and did not waste the opportunity to punish me when he felt with the power in his hands.
I’ll keep NC indefinitely and continue my efforts to get back to my best self, eventhough i feel our story didn’t end. Thank you so much for your texts, they’re really a solace to my soul.
With articles like this, can immediately start thinking logically about the NC.
So thank you for helping us Zan
All the best,
L
So true, my ex broke up with me two months ago, after two months of contact and me trying to explain and reason with her. After a lot of angry texts yesterday mostly her side, I sent her a message trying to explain (I know) anyway she replied I have listened to everything you have to say and I am still not changing my mind, I replied I am sorry it worked out and if you ever wanted to re-visit the relationship please get in contact with me, if I am still single who knows and deleted her number. After two months of begging and trying to convince her stupidly it made no difference her mind is made up, so we start no contact forever probably to late at this stage to win her back but will help me heal and move on, we live in hope
Also what makes it worse is we broke up about a year ago, my decision that time and she begged me and i wouldn’t take her back, only when she went no contact did I reach out to her was only two weeks, so you think I would have learned from that
A lot of common sense in that post,I really needed that ! Thanks !
Thank you Linda.
I hope it helped!
Amazing post thank you! :)🙏🏻
Thanks a lot Dana!
I’m glad you liked it.