Is it true that they always come back? Do exes really come back most of the time, especially after you’ve moved on and fallen back in love with yourself?
If you’re looking for information that isn’t going to mislead you and give you false hope, you’ve come to the right place. The truth about exes is that they don’t always come back. Many of them can’t come back because they can’t disassociate negative feelings from their exes’ persona and wipe the slate clean.
They like to hold grudges and focus on things and people that don’t make them feel strange and uncomfortable. Those are the things that make them feel good and distract them from their unhappy past.
Although their past may not have been that bad, dumpers tend to make it seem that way. They focus on the negative aspects of the relationship so much that they believe their ex was bad for them and that they need to stay away from their ex.
Little do they know or care that their ex was supportive of them and loyal to them until the end.
If their ex wasn’t supportive or tries to become supportive after the breakup, they don’t like that one bit. It’s too late for them to do anything about it as they’ve associated unhealthy emotions with their dumpee and prevented themselves from redeveloping feelings for their dumpee.
Their unhealthy emotions and perceptions made them feel uncomfortable around their ex.
You see, dumpers don’t care about their ex’s cries and promises very much because they remember their ex for the person he or she was throughout the relationship, rather than who he or she is and can be.
For that reason, they oftentimes think of their ex in a negative light and hold on to that negative picture for as long as they can. Doing so gives them power and makes them feel in control of their lives.
So if you’d like to know, “Do they always come back,” the answer is no. Exes don’t always come back because many of them lack the ability to forgive, forget, and change their opinion of their ex.
They prefer to think poorly of their ex and start fresh with someone new. It’s hard to hear that, I know, but you need to hear it. You need to be aware of the possibility that your ex may not come back.
If you do, you will recover much quicker than if you spend your days telling yourself that your ex is thinking about you obsessively and wanting to get back with you.
This article is for dumpees who want to know if exes always come back.
Who does the saying “they always come back” apply to?
The saying, “They always come back” tends to be true for impulsive dumpers who jump from one romantic partner to the next without taking the time to truly get to know the person they’re dating as well as themselves.
Such exes often come back because they haven’t yet found stability in their lives. They haven’t secured peace within themselves, so they tend to get themselves in trouble and rely on people close to them for comfort, love, and recognition.
It just so happens that the people closest to them are often their ex-partners who stayed with them until the end. They were available to them and kept being available for as long as they were useful to them. When they became obsolete, dumpers quickly abandoned them and used someone else instead.
The reason impulsive exes come back, therefore, has very little to do with their exes and who they were as people. It’s got everything to do with the fact that they run out of healthy dating options and badly need someone familiar to rely on and connect with.
A connection reassures them that they’re wanted and helps them deal with whatever situation they’re dealing with.
Here’s an infographic explaining when dumpers always come back.
You have to understand that way less than 50% of exes get back together. Some websites claim that the percentage is as high as 80% or more if you purchase their services and follow their advice, but the truth is that not that many dumpers have a change of heart.
Exes who check out emotionally and develop negative associations are more often than not done for good. They don’t become receptive to ex-back letters and ex-back texts—and they certainly don’t start caring about any apologies, pity parties, and promises.
I know this is a hard pill to swallow if your ex broke up with you recently and you’re still trying to make sense of what went wrong, but if it’s been a week or two and you’ve already gotten through the denial stage of a breakup, work on losing hope rather than looking for it.
Doing so will help you regain happiness and rebuild self-esteem even though it seems like it’s going to cause you a lot of pain.
I had spent a lot of time looking for hope when I was going through my breakup and I can tell you it’s the only thing I regret about my breakup. Every mistake I made with my ex was a lesson I needed to learn to understand breakups better, but deliberately looking for hope was more than just a mistake.
It was a big waste of time as it made me keep looking over my shoulder, hoping that my ex would message me and want me back. It took months to decide that enough was enough and that I needed to stop caring about whether exes come back or not.
The breakup was about me, so I needed to get myself back before I focused on anyone else.
Don’t get me wrong, though. Hope does have a purpose in your breakup. Its goal is to ease your pain and show you that you can be happy again. But if it’s been weeks and you’re no longer in denial, you don’t need to hold on to hope for dear life. You don’t need to keep looking for it if you feel that you’re doing okay and in control of your life.
That’s because hope is a very conditional friend of yours. It can be compared to a friend who hits you up with drugs when you need them the most. At that moment, you feel high and good about yourself. But when the effects wear off, you return to your depressed, anxious, and out-of-control self.
You experience a big low (much bigger than usual) and miss your ex even more. You need to keep in mind that extreme lows are very dangerous for you. They can affect you long-term if you don’t handle them safely.
So if possible, try to convince yourself that the situation is hopeless and that your health is more important than your ex. Your ex is someone who left you whereas your health will accompany you until the end of time. Make sure to take care of it at all times.
Especially now that it’s in jeopardy.
They always come back, but they don’t always come back to get back together
Over 90% of the time, exes break no contact and “come back.” But, sadly, they don’t come back to invest in dumpees and give their abandoned relationships another shot.
Most dumpers come back just to leave pointless messages inspired by guilt, shame, and sadness (nostalgia). Such dumpers usually reach out and appear very eager to converse. They suddenly want to catch up, so they seem very excited to speak and be friends.
But as time goes on, they stop feeling dejected and learn they don’t feel the desire to converse anymore. That’s when they gradually distance themselves from dumpees, focus on themselves, and confuse their exes with their flaky behavior.
They do this because they never intended to come back.
They just wanted to use their dumpees to feel better about:
- what they’ve done to them
- what’s happened to them recently
Essentially, dumpers reach out for themselves to see how their exes are coping with the breakup. Time in no contact makes them curious, so they feel they should say hi and perhaps even try to be friends.
They’re not hurting, so they have no idea that dumpees need months and months of time to lose hope and stop caring about what their ex is doing. That’s why meaningless reach-outs almost always cause issues for dumpees.
They force dumpees to analyze their exes’ behavior, increase their desire to reconnect, and ultimately, delay the time it takes them to heal and get over the breakup.
The time it takes a person to get over an ex, of course, varies for each person, but when dumpers suddenly contact their exes for selfish reasons, the reach-out usually hurts dumpees very badly.
It tells dumpees that their ex has returned, which gives dumpees hope that they may be able to impress their ex if they just try hard enough.
The truth though is that an ex coming back for friendship/breadcrumbing purposes seldom works in dumpees’ favor. Most dumpees just end up getting friend-zoned and eventually see their ex with someone new.
That’s when they suffer a painful emotional setback and realize that getting involved with their ex was a huge mistake. It was too early and also a complete waste of time.
They always come back when you move on
If exes come back, they almost always come back when you moved on and no longer think about them 24/7.
This is because the indefinite no contact rule gives them plenty of space and time to explore the world and process their emotions.
It allows them to:
- date other people
- process their relieved, smothered pre-breakup and post-breakup emotions
- and helps them reflect on their lives (relationships, people, decisions, mistakes, behaviors, emotions)
The time away from dumpees essentially gives dumpers the freedom to do what they want, when they want. That’s why dumpers tend to spend time with friends, go out a lot, and even date other people to their heart’s content.
They do whatever makes them happy.
But just because they’re distracting themselves and doing the things they never did or had the time to do, that doesn’t mean that dumpers stay happy forever.
The truth is that they stay happy only for as long as the breakup has a positive effect on them.
Once they process the stages of the breakup for the dumper, the empowering breakup effects wane and force dumpers to revert to their previous, non-relieved selves. That’s when they become susceptible to pain, anxiety, depression, and everything human beings tend to experience and suffer because of.
If they were underdeveloped and had issues that needed to be fixed prior to the breakup, they obviously won’t magically fix their issues just by getting involved with someone else. The new person won’t fix their issues for them.
If anything, he or she will bring them out when they get to know each other and show their true colors.
To sum it up, exes come back when you move on because they get in trouble and need someone emotionally strong to cling to. To them, you seem like someone they could benefit from because you showed them you have the strength to enjoy your life without them.
Some exes come back because they haven’t moved on (detached)
Every now and then, exes make unpremeditated decisions to leave their partners and regret it days after the breakup when they start missing their ex’s absence and fearing that the relationship may be over.
Such dumpers aren’t over their ex yet. They’re still attached to their ex and need their ex to validate them and support them. When they realize this, validation-deprived dumpers almost always swallow their pride and reach out.
They say something like:
- I’ve made a mistake
- I’m sorry for hurting you
- I realize I still love you
- I’ve been thinking we should give our relationship another chance
- I don’t want to give up that quickly
- We’ve been through too much to quit now
- Let’s meet up
These are just a few things dumpers say when they realize they’re still emotionally dependent on their ex. Sometimes (although rarely) dumpers also try to avoid giving their dumpee back the significance he or she deserves.
Instead of apologizing sincerely and devising a plan that would help both parties improve themselves and connect better, some dumpers just nonchalantly call their ex and say that they’ve changed their mind about the breakup.
They say that the relationship deserves another chance and that they should get back together.
As you can probably tell, this isn’t a very healthy approach.
Dumpers who demand to get back together don’t give their ex lost power back. On the contrary, they hold on to power and resume the relationship without engaging in introspection and figuring out what went wrong in the relationship.
Due to their lack of pain and regret, such dumpers don’t learn from their mistakes, which is why they often leave again when they start questioning their love and their ex’s value.
How often do exes come back?
Although I’m still researching how often exes come back, I feel confident enough to say that less than 10% of ALL exes come back. Most exes, unfortunately, don’t come back because they don’t like their ex—and don’t possess the ability nor the willpower to deal with unhealthy thoughts and emotions.
They would much rather just view their ex as someone they’ve tried and failed to make a relationship work with and then get involved with someone they feel more comfortable with. This is the cold truth you need to hear so that you can understand that reconciliations require a lot more than just a good relationship.
The dumper needs to fail in some painful way and be developed enough to reflect on the past and prefer it to the present. The dumpee, on the other hand, needs to prevent making breakup mistakes and annoying the dumper.
Make sure to remember this whenever you feel the need to contact your ex.
Although the information I’ve gathered by working with clients and talking to people isn’t conclusive, I guarantee that no more than 10% of people get back with their exes.
This is true for people who follow the:
- 30-day no contact rule
- the indefinite no contact rule
- and for those who continue to communicate with their ex after the breakup
From what I’ve seen, the most successful dumpees have been those who’ve followed the indefinite no contact rule. A lot less successful (although occasionally successful) have been those who kept their cool and communicated with their exes infrequently as friends or occasional friends.
As for those who used devious texting techniques and kept annoying their exes, they were the least successful as they smothered their exes and got hurt in return.
How often do exes leave again?
Sometimes exes come back because of guilt, shame, or jealousy—and fail to fall back in love with their ex. Such exes more often than not leave again because they stop feeling the emotions that brought them back.
They become indifferent and look for someone who can make them feel stronger emotions. Not just stronger, but also the kind of emotions they’re looking for. Many people don’t understand what love is, so they stay only if they want their partner more than their partner wants them.
Such people aren’t ready for relationships. They have much more work to do on themselves before they can have healthy, balanced, long-term relationships.
People who come back tend to leave because they:
- refuse to give the dumpee his or her significance and power back
- return for themselves (to feel better)
- don’t want to be alone (insecurities)
- get bored or tired of being alone or with someone else
- don’t work on themselves
So if you want to know if exes who come back leave again, the truth is that they do. They leave because they come back for the wrong reasons and don’t get motivated enough to make long-term plans and commitments.
It’s hard to say exactly how many reconciled couples break up, but from what I’ve seen, most couples who got back together just to feel loved broke up again. They hadn’t discussed their relationship boundaries and, therefore, haven’t improved the things that broke them up.
Only those couples who work on themselves and take breakups seriously outgrow their old selves and fall/stay in love.
I hope that this article has explained dumpers’ behavior and when they always come back. Let me know what you think about dumpers coming back by commenting below.
And if you want to discuss your breakup situation with us, sign up for coaching here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.
Hi Zan, can you clarify your answer you gave on your september 4th 2022 post to me?……Hi Will.
80-90% of exes reach out, not return. The number is actually way, way lower. But despite that, you do have to move on and fall back in love with yourself. There’s a chance she would leave again if she came back. Focus on that so you let go of hope quicker. ( Which is way way lower? The reach out, or the return?)
Hi Will.
The reconciliation rate is way lower than others claim it to be. 90% of dumpers merely reach out (not get back together).
Best regards,
Zan
Thank you Zan. I had thought that was what you were saying but I needed your clarity. Getting back together is furthest from my mind nor do I want to be afraid that at any given time that she will do another disappearing act. I’m just hoping she will come back if for only a few hours so I can ask her why she dumped me and hopefully she will give me a truthful answer
Hi Will.
Closure is important, but you don’t need her to get it. You can get it on your own by understanding that she had certain flaws she neglected and made you feel responsible for.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan, Thanks for your reply. I understand that 80 or 90% of exes return but not to stay and as you replied to me in your late june 2022 post, I would just have to move on and try to grow stronger from it and stay “no contact.” That is my intention now. If my ex is likely only coming back for herself if she actually does, just to leave again, Then I have no interest in seeing her again. It would just stir up old memories once again. As far as my hospital trip for heart surgery, the triple bypass went well. I was there 1 day short of a month and was thrilled when they dischared me. Those hospital beds aren’t made for comfort and hope I never see the insides of a hospital again.
Hi Will.
80-90% of exes reach out, not return. The number is actually way, way lower. But despite that, you do have to move on and fall back in love with yourself. There’s a chance she would leave again if she came back. Focus on that so you let go of hope quicker.
Best,
Zan
It was really heart breaking to read that 10% or less of our exs actually come back to stay. I’m going in the hospital in a few weeks for heart surgery as soon as my cardiologist can schedule me and if he told me I had a 90% chance of dying from this procedure, I would cancel the surgery and live my life to the fullest for as long as I could. I had never been ghosted or even heard the term or knew what it meant until it happened to me almost 2 years ago. I came by her house and gave her the 600 she asked to borrow which she never pays back anything she “borrows.” Ever. Two days later I contact her by text but no response and later tried calling but my number was blocked as well as all her social media too. Total radio silence!! I guess my options are as you say, forget her and move on. Almost two years later and I’m still hurting from this decades long relationship that she obviously considered me unworthy of or even a short text message for closure.
Hi Will.
I’m sorry to kill your hope like this, but I’d rather you prepare for the worst than hope for the best. When any predicament is out of your control, you need to accept that it might not go the way you want it to go. That will help you be okay with unwanted results and help you feel better.
You must also stop caring about the way she perceives you. I know it’s hard, Will, but she’s not treating you this way because of something you did. She’s doing this to you because it’s who she is. People treat others the way they want to not the way others are. You’ll have to find closure without her. And that’s by accepting her nasty behavior and deciding she’s not worth the trouble.
I hope your surgery goes well. Please let me know how it goes.🙏
Hang in there, Will!
Zan
“Most exes, unfortunately, don’t come back because they feel contempt and repulsion—and don’t possess the ability nor the willpower to deal with self-destructive emotions. They would much rather just view their ex as someone they’ve tried and failed with and get involved with someone they feel more comfortable with.”
How the hell is that “self-destructive”? Isn’t it better to open your mind to the possibility of improvements instead of regressing to something that already failed?
Hi Zan, The last time I met my ex was in February 2020, she told me that she cannot be more than friends. I told her I will not stay as a friend and I’ll be forced to walk away from her. She said she doesn’t want me to walk away. I asked her if something is bothering her then let me know. Just breaking up without providing any reason is hurtful to me. She said that she will meet me again next week and then tell me everything but then she never texted again. I also didn’t reach out to ask her why she didn’t come. I remained true to my words and walked away and practiced no contact. Though we stayed Friends on snapchat but from there too she had hidden her stories from me. So we were just added into each other’s account but never communicated. I also didn’t wish her birthday in November 2020. In December when it was my birthday she blocked me from Snapchat right after my birthday started even when we were not talking. I didn’t react to that too. I kept practicing no contact. Then 3 days before she broke no contact after 11 months and asked me to forgive her for all the hurt that she has caused and don’t let any negative memory make place in my heart. She also said that she will never be able to tell me that what happened actually. I told her that I’ve forgiven her. Then she asked about me and my family and after that she blocked me again. It renewed my pain.It was after much difficulty that I got slowly recovered from all this and then once again I feel I’m in the pit. My mind is just unable to understand what all of this was about. I feel that all of my progress has been lost. If you’ve some time, be kind enough to drop a reply if you can. Some words of advice may be or what it was all about.
I’m at 16 months and mine never reached out so it seems that she’s done with me not that I want her back. I think the only thing is my ego is still bruised that she never did. I forwarded a credit card invoice to her at about the 1 year mark. I was tired of going to the post office and paying to mail stuff to her, so I just scanned and emailed. 30 minutes later I got a very short and cold reply that ended with “thanks” so it seems even after a year she still had very negative feelings towards me, so it is what it is. I have a lot of negative feelings towards her now so I guess we’re even.
Hi Zan,
Thank you for your article. My dumpers has been back and left again after two months. I have notice during 2 months he has been really moody and somehow avoding to connect emotionally. I sensed something wrong and confront him but he refused to talk about what was wrong so i left it at that.
Can you please write about on and off relationship near the future. Thank you so much.
I just made this mistake! And it really hurts. She dumped me without looking back this year May, she came back to still let me know i am the one disturbing her not letting her go🙆♀️ after she reached out to me cause of her skin disease and i helped out. She even told me about the guy she met and all that and now, nothing changes. She still told me to go my way. I hope I get back on my track again without repeating the mistake. Exes don’t come back for good reasons and if they do, you will know. Thanks Zan
Odd how after being dumped I held on to that which left me mentally, emotionally and physically in a puddle of depression and despair, yet with an air of hope she would return.
Even though she made it unquestionably clear she didn’t want me in her life by her words and actions, I held on to the fresh and painful memories of her loss. Such is the travesty of love gone off the rails, the muddling through of time and the conflicted thoughts of tomorrow as life without her would never be the same.
Zan, as a reader of your helpful website, after reading this post, I want to feedback to you that you need to consider the tone of some of your posts such as this one which imply that dumpees must have done something wrong. Some of your posts are getting very pro-dumpers.
Hi Rose.
Thank you for your feedback!
I’m aware of the fact that my writing style can be a bit dark and sometimes even pessimistic, but let me assure you that I always consider dumpees’ well-being. I think about their health so much I always share my discoveries and tell the truth even if it hurts them.
They may not always appreciate the information they read because they get their hopes crushed (especially if they recently got broken up with), but most people get over their exes much quicker because of it because they’re able to stop feeling hopeful and see their ex, the relationship, and a possible reconciliation from a much more rational perspective.
I hope this clarifies things.
Thank you,
Zan
If your ex lied, cheated, and/or monkey branched on you, they belong to the streets. You’d have to be a complete moron to even contemplate taking that wh*re back. Less than 10% is an accurate number in my opinion as well. Most people are simply too damaged to grow unfortunately. Focus on yourself, and I promise you, you WILL meet someone 10x better just when you least expect it and you’ll kick yourself for having wasted one minute of your life crying over what has proved to be low-value garbage!
Hi DK.
Many exes don’t deserve a second chance because they completely neglect their loyal dumpee’s health and engage in activities that hurt him or her.
It’s a good thing you’ve realized this and regained your worth.
Best regards,
Zan
Thank you, Zan. You and Angelie are a blessing.
That’s what happened with mine. Now she’s been trying to make money on onlyfans and twitch and indeed she belongs to the streets as Replicant Phish says 🙂 She’s physically beautiful but ugly on the inside. Hopefully one day she’ll find healthy coping strategies for her family trauma and get help.
Hello Zan,
Hanky you for article and talking real stuff here! We all need to swallow that hard truth and swallowed up mine after some months, thanks to your help the most!
And now I feel that I’m free (finally)
Always always grateful for yourself
Warmly,
Linda
It’s 2 months since we split after a 5 year relationship. I’m still in denial and hoping she’ll come back and I’m thinking of her 24/7, think it’s making me ill, mentally and physically. I’m only on week 3 of NC as I made all the post break up mistakes. She drove past me this morning, think she saw me but no wave or toot of the horn. My heart was pounding!
This latest article is the sort of thing I need to absorb!
BTW – I’m 54 and she is 53. Heartbreak doesn’t get easier with age.
Hi Johnny.
I’m sorry to hear that you’re in so much pain.
I strongly suggest that you try to stay busy so that you can reduce the time you spend thinking about her. It’s okay if you still think about her when you’re doing something. The more you do it and the more time goes by, the easier it will get.
Take my word for it.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thanks Zan. Wish there were more people like you in the world.
Hi Linda.
It’s painful to have your hopes destroyed if you still want your ex back, but luckily, you’ve been able to let go of your reconciliation hope and feel much better now. You’re finally free of pain.
I’m happy for you, Linda. Great job!
Stay healthy and best of luck.
Zan
Hello Zan! This article was a bit out of line from your previous ones about the precentage of exes that come back. I would like to remember that you earlier presented statistics that the majority of exes comes back over the years, how come this has changed?
I agree with Felicia, what has changed Zan?
Exactly. This post makes me very uncomfortable and contradicts so many other posts on this website.
Hi Felicia, M, and Rose.
Thank you for noticing some changes.
You’ve probably come across articles from years ago that weren’t based on my work but rather on other people’s hopes and unrealistic opinions. The articles today are well-researched and much more accurate as I see constantly learn something new.
Thanks again for your feedback.
Best,
Zan
Fellow dumpees, especially newly dumped ones. Please trust Zans advice, it may be harder to swallow than that of a friends advice, but it will do you much better.
If your ex is to come back, some things must be there, even in the smallest amount: respect, Love, admiration and trust. You dont have to be in a relationship, being single is just fine. And if you believe they are the one for you, (a soulmate) then let them have the freedom of a life of their own, for better or worse. Life often works out in funny ways.
Much love and support to all dumpees (and kind hearted dumpers) you got this!
Hi Matt.
Thank you for your encouraging words—and best of luck to you!
Zan
Tough love and truth is better than the snake oil ex back coaches who just want a lot of money from you. Sadly they get far larger financial rewards than the good coaches, but people listen to what they want to hear. I was one of those in the first month of my breakup and was going to do the 30 day nonsense, but thankfully I’m the kind of person who will keep researching and when my anxiety calmed down I found better ones like Dating Guy and Craig Kenneth and Zan. I never did hear from my ex, but at least I maintained my dignity and didn’t chase.
Agreed Matt. Zan’s advice may present as being pessimistic but it’s also very realistic. I made the mistake of falling for an “ex-back coach” scam artist in the early days of my breakup. Fortunately, I recognized my error early on. It’s best to accept that it is very unlikely that your ex will ever come back. If he/she never does that is likely for the best. And if he/she does it will likely be for reasons outside your control.
Indefinite no contact. Let go of hope. Move on. Your ex isn’t worth wasting any more of your time and effort on. He/She didn’t bother to put the effort into you. Don’t reciprocate now that it’s over.
A very good article. I made all mistakes mentionned when I was younger and my mental health went realy bad… follow those rules mentioned for your own sake, specially if your dumper is a woman. giving her the power by begging will trigger her blackwidow instinct to swallow you up! Good thing there is a God I later learned she got cancer but also fortunatelly recovered from it
You said, “Good thing there is a God I later learned she got cancer but also fortunatelly recovered from it.” This has to be the most illogical and stupid statement made in the existence of human beings. Are you glad that there is a God because your ex got cancer and God helped her to recover? Or, that God gave her cancer and healed her as a lesson for breaking up with you (karma)? In either case, I am not sure why you believe God would do such shit just for you – are you the Pope or something?
The time for her to feel miserable but not permanently.Just the life lesson to not harm someone in his soul. The pope is catholic. I am not. cheers
Lol, even the pope doesn’t really know what God wants
I was not happy about her getting ill
.I only hoped she got same treatment from her new partner. Years went by and I fully recovered. She is just a vague memory