These guidelines are for those who got broken up with and wish they could reconnect with their lost love sometime in the future. Follow each and every one of these tips to prevent yourself from ruining your chances of getting back together with your ex.
Stopping your impulses won’t be easy since the time after the breakup is highly emotional. But that doesn’t mean you can’t do it.
Here are 18 post-breakup mistakes that won’t get your ex back.
1)Beg and plead
Begging and pleading right after a breakup might seem like the most logical thing to do. Unfortunately, it’s actually very counter-intuitive. Pouring your heart out after you’ve been broken up with can lead to more bad than good.
By exhibiting needy behavior, you ruin your self-esteem, as well as any remaining value in your ex’s eyes. Exhibiting insecurities strongly decrease your chances of reconciliation as it reinforces your ex’s decision. He or she will feel annoyed and want you even less.
2)Chase
The definition of chasing in relationships is when a partner (the less secure one) portrays low self-esteem either by constantly seeking approval or by showing insecure behavior (jealousy, neediness, controlling). This behavior pushes your ex further away, damaging your ego.
3)Promise change
Promising to change after you have probably been given multiple chances to do so, won’t work. What you can do instead is focus on yourself and become the best version of yourself.
Only after you have truly evolved, is when you should show off your transformation. You can do so by posting your new life on social media. The break up could have been just what you needed to actually change, so don’t promise what you haven’t delivered yet.
4)Ask to see your ex one last time
You were broken up with because he or she doesn’t want to see you. I know it hurts your self-esteem, so fight it with everything you’ve got!
5)Plot revenge
If you want to dig your own grave and eliminate the chances of ever getting back together with your ex, then go ahead and do something nasty.
6)Keep in touch
It varies for each person, but if you were a prick or you wasted your chance, the best thing to do is to walk away and don’t reach out. Staying in contact usually doesn’t work right away. I suggest you let things cool off first, and wait for him or her to express interest again.
7)Show up where your ex is
Also known as stalking. It’s the easiest way to get a restraining order after a breakup.
8)Profess your unrequited love
By professing your love, you stroke your ex’s ego, making him feel so good about himself. He will think to himself “Wow, I’m not really interested in this person, and it’s really nice to know she still loves me. I will drag her on the side of the road, throwing breadcrumbs at her so she’s hungry for me, but never actually has a chance at getting back together.”
9)Stay friends
He won’t change his mind as long as you are around. So take a hike. Staying friends with an ex after the breakup almost never works because you will end up getting hurt like hell. You will be forced to listen to who your ex is dating and how great life is without you.
Save yourself from misery while you can and walk away.
10)Be the backup plan
By being your ex’s backup plan, your ex knows he can have the cake and eat it too. If you want to show your value, completely remove yourself from his life after the breakup.
11)Be negative
If you are negative post-breakup, he or she will hold on to that image of you. Changing the way one views you can be one of the hardest things to do. Brim with positivity instead.
12)Bring up the breakup and past events
Go ahead if you really want to remind your ex how much the relationship sucked.
13)Do everything your ex asks you to do
The last thing you want to do is be single, his servant and show that you are still head over heels in love with him. He needs to experience what life is like without you.
14)Booty calls
Sounds enticing, doesn’t it? Unless you genuinely feel you will end up together because of the emotional connection sex provides, don’t do it. You can tell it’s a booty call if you get a call at 11 pm and leave the house at 1 am.
15)Watch her social media posts
Similar to staying friends, you will end up hurt, so it’s best you refrain from looking at your ex’s posts. If you look at her new amazing life, you will most likely overanalyze things and suffer as a result.
16)Contact your ex’s friends
If you do contact your ex’s friends, do it over something unrelated to your ex. Never contact them asking how your ex is doing. You will come off as a devious coward.
17)Taking actions due to raging emotions
Controlling your emotions is key to getting back with an ex. Without self-control, you will mess up at some point, lash out on impulse and send your progress to oblivion.
18)Be predictable
Doing the exact same things will additionally prove that the breakup has not shifted your focus to more meaningful things. Instead, do activities your ex would never have expected you to do. Were you known as a bad dancer?
Now is the time to own the dance floor. Go back to school and graduate, make new friends, try new food, travel, etc.
Have you committed many post-breakup mistakes? Are you having difficulties controlling yourself? Leave a comment.
Hi Zan – I was dating someone for a month and everything was 100% reciprocated. And out of the blue he text me saying that he told his son he was âeventually going to meet someone that wasnât his momâ and he had a close friend pass away. This all being said he asked for some time to figure things out and said he thinks he might not be as ready to date as he think he is.
We discussed our future together and introducing our kids to each other.
I reached out a few times to see if he was ok and got nothing back. Feels like he is ghosting me.
Im trying to move on but finding it hard to think about us not eventually being together. Any advice as to why this happened the way it did and should I wait for him or start dating again?
Thank you!
Hi Bonnie.
It looks like he encountered stressors that brought back his unprocessed emotions. He thought he was ready for a new relationship until he realized he couldn’t commit to someone new. And because he didn’t want to hurt you and deal with the consequences of ending a relationship, he ghosted you.
You should give him the space he needs and be careful if he comes back. You need to stand up for yourself if he decides to talk to you and resume getting to know each other.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi,
My ex and I agreed to break up after about 6 months of being in a committed relationship. I got mad when she told me she was no longer excited to see me, and about 2 months prior in the relationship threatened to leave me. She also said she wanted space and a break a few weeks prior before we broke up. I was sick of it and agreed we should break up. The day after we broke up, I hungout with another girl and ended up sleeping with her (I had been drinking). I immediately regretted it the next day. I ended up telling her that I hungout with another girl, but denied sleeping with her because I wanted to make it work. I realized I screwed up. Long story short she found out who it was and the truth. And then wanted nothing to do with me. She blocked me on social media and then she ended up reaching out a couple days later to call me a cheater and to say goodbye. I initially didnât respond, but I couldnât help but to reach out. We ended up meeting up to talk and thatâs when I found out she was already seeing another guy. I told her I didnât care and still wanted to work it out. She was surprised I still wanted her, and said she would think about it but needed space. Well my anxiety didnât hold up well and I reached out to her saying the waiting was killing me and she told me it was best move onto someone else. I showed up at her house (which she said not to) to talk and hangout with her for a bit because I was a mess. She ultimately told me she forgive me for what I did, saw that I was a changed person, and the only way it was going to work out with us is for me to wait. She said she thinks Iâm a great guy and still wants to be there to support me. Then the next day she blocked me for good. The guy she is with she almost immediately started hanging out with and is already sleeping and staying at her house. She claims she never reached out to him until after she found out about me hanging out with another girl. The girl I was with I had no feelings for and it was a one night stand. The new guy she is with is clearly a rebound and she canât seem to face her self. He seems to tell her everything she wanted to hear that she didnât hear from me. Do you think thereâs a chance she will end up reaching out to me? I donât understand why she said she still wanted to remain in contact but then block me. Unless it has something to do with the guy sheâs seeing now.
Thank you,
Mike
Hi Mike.
She was going to leave whether you slept with another girl or not. She was just too doubtful. She’s telling you to wait because she wants to give the new guy a chance. The only way she’ll come back if that relationship ends (terribly). In that case, you probably shouldn’t take her back. She may not learn to love you.
Best regards,
Zan
Hello Zan,
I have dated this woman for a year and we really took things slow. I’m 21 and she’s 27. When things started out I was a virgin and got cheated on by my ex before her and she had a toxic boyfriend like 5 years before me who was not nice at all and damaged her feelings a lot, and in the meantime she had a friend with benefits for around 2 years, ended the benefit collection with him 2 months before she met me. Just for you to have an idea of our sexual experience discrepancy. During the first months I started off slow, had my ups and downs, had some not so pleasant surprises such as finishing early and I was getting the hang of it, slowly learning how to move my body and doing what she likes. During this friends with benefits stage with her, we had a conversation about our past partners (we were just friends, no harm in that. Plus, when we were oficially dating she never mentioned him, so no red flag there.) And she brings up her previous friend with benefits who is apparently the biggest playboy in town, had tons of experience, made her finish really often and happened to be a part of her group of friends, so… He was around. Well, since we were just friends I listened to it but deep down, despite being a confident young man building my business as a music producer and having a great paying job, I felt insecure about being a beginner and our next times were awful to say the least, I got nervous and anxious and I would finish really fast. That started to turn me into an insecure person and her libido started to almost disappear. Well that wasn’t a big deal for her, we started being gf and bf a month later but I turned into a different guy… I would make time to be with her, I was constantly horny cuz the topic was in my head, haunting me, because I wanted to get better at it… Other than that, I was a pretty good boyfriend. I would cool for her, do house chores with her mother when I went over to their place, it was a nice vibe. So it was a healthy relationship, minus the fact that I was super insecure about sex. I used to communicate with her a lot about it and she was cool with it and reassured me but since I got cheated on earlier in my life by someone I loved and gave my time and energy to… It haunted me, and I kept being insecure and anxious about it. Up until a day when she was feeling anxious about some work stuff (we hadn’t had sex in like 2 months either) and she tells me “Look, I’m going through a bad phase where I might be sad and tired, I don’t want you to feel bad about it, alright?” And I was cool with it and was ready to support her and be there for her, but my overthinking ass thought that I WAS THE THING MAKING HER TIRED AND DRAINED đ See how your brain plays tricks on you when you have old trauma from betrayal? Yeah. So before I left her house that day I said (crying) “Hey babe, I didn’t want to come into your life to make you drained and tired like this… I wanted to be good in bed so you could be in a better mood and feel better pleasure” and a bunch of other guilty-ass statements that pissed her off and kinda suffocated her. She broke up with me a few days later, and here’s the big deal. I talked to my best friend about the break-up, I had to get it off my chest, and I mentioned that I was being insecure and the sexual energy dropped a lot and we didn’t have it very often (It’s my best friend and he’s not close to her by any means) and somehow, through his wife of whatever, word got to her that I was saying that “she didn’t spread her legs for me” đ So people and their ability to distort conversations came into play. Well, she texted me, pissed, telling me about it and I told her the truth, that I just spoke to my best friend about my insecurity and mentioned that we didn’t have it a lot, and that people distorted the truth. We had a quick catch up chat about whether we were doing fine “Yes, I’m fine” “Yes, I’m doing good too” blah blah and now we’re back in no contact. In this time I am working on myself, I went to therapy about my betrayal trauma, I got new clothes, started going full throttle on my music business and hit the gym every day. I am becoming the person she fell in love with last year. I believe she will miss the good things about our relationship eventually because it was healthy and we were really enjoying each other’s company and I want to fix the wrong in me which is my trauma so I can come back as the person she liked so much. My concern is… Will this small rumour about me saying that ruin the no contact? Is she going to want me gone for good because of it? I’m confident but also scared that this small setback blew everything….
Hi Mike.
I don’t think the rumor is a big issue as you were able to clear it up. The thing that scares me is that she might not improve her perception of you. I fear she saw you as a sexual partner rather than someone she wanted to settle down with. If that’s the case, she might not want to reconnect as there isn’t much to reminisce about.
Make sure to work on your trauma, Mike. You mustn’t let your previous experience affect your new relationships again.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey Zan,
I dated a woman for a month about 5 dates seemed to think it was going well but between 4th and 5th times things completely changed as I started to notice some micro aggressions/comments of annoyance and me subsequently forcing chemistry. All following the 3rd which was a not amazing night of intimacy/buildup of emotional and physical chemistry. I let physical and mental insecurities about myself and lack of happiness in my own life get in the way heading into and after that date without mentioning them to her. I ended up admitting that I had grown to like her during the breakup phone call and that I was trying to figure out more about her intentions had we continued. I told her that saying goodbye forever was going to be tough, mentioned that I understood it was normal for us to date around during the time we spent together, and brought up being friends briefly until walking it back by saying I probably could not bc of the attraction I had felt. Ultimately, I wished her good luck and hope she would find someone wanting to put as much if not more effort than I did. She said while I was nice and sweet, she did not feel romantic connection she was looking for and said she was sorry she could not bring herself to be vulnerable like I was in the dating experience. I have not contacted her in any way and have not made any mistakes beyond what I said in the BU call because I know I need to improve my relationship with myself. Do you believe I committed too many mistakes and is it normal to feel regret that you did not understand what was lacking in yourself and not have been able to do more to understand the person you dated? I have learned a lot since that time and what I have to do to improve but I also wish I did not have to go through these mistakes and a potential wasted opportunity of building a connection.
Hi Henry.
It’s normal to blame yourself as you’re in a state of regret. But don’t think you’re responsible for the demise of the relationship. Your ex needed to communicate her problems with you rather than letting her antagonism fester. It’s not that you made too many mistakes but that she detached and lost feelings. She focused on the bad parts of the relationship and by doing so, ruined what you two had.
Don’t forget that she’d made mistakes too and that she was the one who gave up.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hei, i’ve reached out to my ex after 2 months of no contact, but it didnt ended well. I said to her that i want to meet her because i want to clarify some things about the break up (i felt very hurt and i had the feeling that i was the reason for the break up), asked her if i hurted her and stuff, then she said she has someone else she doesn’t need to speak or see me. I, in the heat of the moment, said that i am seeing someone else too (which is not true). She said that she doesnt feel to speak about what happened, and that i should leave her alone and date the new girl. Then she telled me that she has been seeing a guy right after the break up (so it is a rebound) and that our sex was bad (she was toxic and she always said things that hurted me in the past). Finnally i telled her that i feel bad about what she said, and i am happy about the break up, and that i dont have any regrets. She was kind of toxic in the relationship after all, she blamed me for all the mistakes and that i am the reason for the break up.
Well to be honest, after this conversation i am really over her, like i was really depressed before, but now i am very ok and moving on.
I am just curious, i don’t want her back, but do you think that she will reach out after some time? We were about five months toghether but it was intense (meeting her parents, future plan). I repeat i am really moving on but i am just curious.
Sorry for my bad english
Hi Tab.
Your ex showered you her true colors, so I hope that you’re able to move on easier because of it. She might reach out in the future, I can’t say for certain, Tab. But if she does, it might be because something isn’t going well in her new relationship. She has a lot of reflecting and growing to do. She’ll do that only if she gets dumped and hurt a lot.
Best regards,
Zan
Hey Zan,
I feel like I already made these mistakes. I called her to ask for something back as an excuse. After I have her a day to think about ether she wanted to be with me. I begged for her back while we were on a walk. And cried on to her shoulder. Telling her that I donât care if she leaves later. Iâll make it work so she doesnât, because I believe we will be better. As I shed many tears. She said coldly said no. And said she doesnât want to waste my time and feels sorry for me. I said I donât care. If we go again and you leave. At least I know that we tried. But again she said no. She called me the next morning to try again. And I said no. She messaged me after and told me to think about it. And I said I donât think so. Thinking sheâd try again. She didnât. When I tried to message her for
Something back. She was cold and blunt and said sheâd get it to me. I then asked her. Why she asked me to try again. She said it was strictly Cus she felt bad. Then I told her I feel like she used me for stability, then she said she knows Iâm telling myself these things to make myself feel better. But that itâs fine and that I should have nice life. I again reached out to say that Iâve been immature and that we are fine and that this breakup is probably for the best. And that we are good. She says some niceties and we leave at that. I do really want her back, but I do know I need to heal on my own. Recently. On social media sheâs posting FAR more, always now. Posting different guys. Posting on apps that she doesnât usually use, that she knows I do with quotes about finding herself, and happiness after losing a attachment and quotes on what she wants in a relationship. She then had to give something to my sister. But couldnât meet with her. I thought we ended amicably but she asked my best friend to meet her for it because she doesnât want to see me. I call her and tell her. That I am local I can pick it up. Because my friend isnât willing to. And she says she is busy and sheâll bring it to my house another time. I then message her to tell her that u donât can send it in a Uber. (So that she doesnât have to see me.) she says she will tomorrow. That next day. She doesnât contact me and posts on social media that she is out with another guy. I feel massively confused about why she is behaving this way. I feel like I donât recognise this person. Worth a note that one of the reasons she left is because I always try to leave and make her feel disposable. She tried to leave a couple week prior to which I cried and asked her to say for one evening and then accepted it. To her called me and asking us to try again. To which I said no to because I thought it was for pity. And not for the right reasons. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. But she basically begged. So I said yes. I felt distance grow in those two weeks when I notice her speaking to another guy. Not inappropriately but standard late night conversation about life. Which I left her for. She begged me cried got on her kneees didnât let me leave messaged me for hours after for a chance to which I said no to. Then I showed up at her house the next morning say we can try. And she said that it isnât fair that I do that and she doesnât know. She needs a week. Then I say no. Then she needs a day. I say no then she needs hours. Then she calls me later and says no. Which is when I call her to ask her for a silly ring back that she didnât want to give. That she did give back in the end. Which brings me us to the point of the top of this long story. Does her actions make any sense ?
Hi Adrien.
You must stop making breakup mistakes as they make your ex feel guilty and pressure her. Your ex did all these confusing things because something didn’t go right for her. The guy she was with probably disappointed her and hurt her and made her want to feel validated. This person will sadly keep dating other guys. The moment she recovers, she’ll move on and try her luck with someone else. While she’s hurt, she might turn to you for help, but that won’t last long.
You must cut her off completely so she stops seeing you as a backup option.
You’ve got this,
Zan