Yes and no. Whether it’s possible to get your ex back strongly depends on you and how you handle the break-up, not your ex. Usually, we hear them say “It’s over, I’m done, we will never be together again…” Is your ex lying to you? No, she is not.
The ugly truth is she really means it and she never wants to see you again. “So how is it possible to get your ex back then?” The truth of the matter is that those are her feelings in the moment and can change at any point in the future. “
But you don’t understand my case. The break up was ugly, lots of shouting and name-calling.” It’s called break up for a reason.
They are convinced they can enjoy their life more without you or with someone else. The best thing to do is to respect their decision and wish them farewell. Acceptance will help you tremendously when it comes to increasing your possibilities of getting an ex back.
People in most cases don’t walk away amicably, especially after a long-term relationship. Emotions have been bottling up and now they are flying all over the place. You normally don’t see the break up coming so it takes you by surprise and you end up doing the stupidest things imaginable.
As I mentioned earlier, you hold the cards to get your ex back. I cannot emphasize this enough! First of all, you must avoid post break up mistakes and start the journey of personal transformation.
The real question is what are you prepared to do about it? They fell in love with you once, so they must appreciate the good things about you to some capacity. Put your attention on what caused the break-up and other shortcomings she didn’t like about you.
Do it for yourself and for the next relationship (whether you end up getting your ex back or you find a new partner).
If you truly want to have another shot at the relationship you must first let her go (disconnect) to be able to later reconnect.
The time away from your ex is one of the most important principles to apply and it can’t be left out.
Let the time apart do its magic and make it possible to get your ex back:
- heal the wounds and negative memories
- prevent further fu*k ups
- make her miss your good points
- see what life is like without you
- explore other options (ouch)
- replace the old image of you with a new transformed version of yourself
Imagine these doors represent your choices and decisions you can make. After every decision, come more decisions, and after those, even more, and so on. You never run out of them.
What you need to do is study your situation and consider all the options in front of you. Most of the time you will have to choose between a few choices and that is when getting your ex back can get tricky.
You may find yourself stuck in an “if loop”, comparing your options to insanity and beyond. If that’s the case, I need you to take a step back, give it a few days and see if things have changed. Remember to make logical decisions, and if there’s really no “right” thing to do, the best coherent decision might be to do nothing.
When emotions run high, logic runs low.
It’s of great importance you do not act on impulse. Emotions are not there to guide you, your logic is. Even though your situation sucks completely, you can have a little fun with it and become insightful.
Learn to control your emotions and you will win at life. It’s very much possible to get your ex back. Possibilities are strongly dependent on your self-control, which is easier said than done when emotions run wild right after the break-up.
I want you to take a pen and paper and keep track of all your past choices and your new decisions. It should look like this.
These are obviously just big decisions. You should have a ton more options to consider. Don’t be afraid to go all out. Seriously analyze every option and how you can improve upon it. This is truly the best time to increase confidence and become more productive. There will also be times when doing nothing is the best thing you can do. The success of getting your ex back really depends on your patience and self-restraint and personal improvements.
Take it seriously when I say it’s possible to get your ex back. Fortunately for you, it’s going to take a lot of work and self-improvement. I say fortunately, because you should take this break-up as a trampoline to excel in life and find out what to do in no-contact.
I’m not here to give you false hope and sell you products. I’m saying that staying positive and optimistic is what is going to increase your odds of getting back with the one you love. Having a positive outlook on life portrays the change in you and makes you as vibrant as possible.
The route to getting an ex back is like a maze. You need to explore every corner and turn every stone to get to your destination. It doesn’t matter if you have issues outside of the broken relationship or if your ex is seeing someone else already.
Start working on those issues and leave the rebound to go down its course. Even if it’s not a rebound and she has honestly moved on, her hearing your name still sends chills down her spine. Again, you are the one driving the bus, she’s merely coming along for a ride.
It’s possible to get your ex back if you can show her, not tell her, you have learned from the past mistakes and that you are ready for a new relationship. You are ready when you don’t feel the need to tell her verbally. Instead, you let the new you do the talking for you. The way you carry yourself, think, communicate has got to be completely different from before. Not just different, but improved.
Because you are so confident in yourself, everything you say is positive and non-dependent on your ex. Your world no longer revolves around this person and because of that your odds of success increase significantly.
During the relationship, you were making rookie mistakes which bumped down your value in their eyes. Take this time away to become the person she always wanted you to be by crawling out of your comfort zone. You have your own unique traits no one else has. Are you genuinely kind and patient? Become even better! Volunteer, do charity work, help feed the homeless, etc.
There is no limit to your personal growth. If you can demonstrate how your existence in this world plays a huge role, she will without a doubt reconsider the possibility of reconciliation. Everyone wants to be with a rock star, so rock her world.
Is it possible to get your ex back with no-contact? Comment below and share your story.
Hi Zan,
Is it still possible to get her back even after some break up mistakes that made her upset? She was upset, because although I didn’t ask directly for her to come back, I was a bit insistent talking to her instead of going immediate NC. She felt that I didn’t respect her boundaries.
She has told me that she is done for good and even wished me all the best and a happy life. I can’t see any sign of doubts, I even think that after 1y 3m relationship she didn’t love me as I did. She broke up because she missed something (she can’t explain what), although the relationship was overall healthy. Now I’m in NC for some weeks and I feel her further every day.
Thank you.
Hi Dennis.
NC can work even though you refused to leave her alone for a while. But you have to understand that it could take a very long time and that you could get over her before that happens.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi
My bf of 2.5yrs ended it with me just over 2 weeks ago. I’ve been in no contact for a week now.
We were always a very strong couple. We didn’t argue much and when we did it was always over something small and resolved easily. We were living together for 6 months but due to financial reasons he had to move back in with his parents who I haven’t met and I don’t think they like me very much. I know the 2 weeks before he left I got needy and sad but that was due to the uncertainty of his parents as they have already tryed to get us to break up before. 2 weeks after he moved out he ended it. He said it was because he didn’t love me any more but a few days later he said he did love me but that’s not a reason for us to be together. When he came to get his stuff we ended up talking for almost 2 hours just like we use to. We agreed to do no contact then so we could both heal but that night he started messageing me again lots. He called me my nickname and said he missed me. We talked for a few days and he would bring up old memories. But he would also say stuff to confirm we weren’t getting back together. He said he still finds me attractive and we agreed to be friends after some time with no contact. Do you think he’ll come back or is there anything else that I can do? He dosent handle stress well. We broke up once before for the excally same reason but got back together 6 hours later. A week before we broke up he came to visit me lots and he was acting normal. The 5 days before he ended it he didn’t come to see me and didn’t message me very much.
Thank you
Hi Jenna.
Your ex said hopeful things to you, but take what he said with a pinch of salt. He most likely just felt bad for breaking your heart and found it hard to distance himself from you. I suggest that you do no contact and remind him not to contact you if he reaches out like last time. There’s nothing you can do to reattract him at this point, Jenna, but if he comes back, you have to take control and show him you’re not going to keep getting back with him.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey Zan,
I actually am meeting up with my ex next week (I asked to lmao, no going back now so I need help), we were a relationship of 4 years, pretty sturdy, no problems, but after some issues that I never confronted in my mind i ended up peacing out, without much explanation (because I had none at that time I had no idea what was wrong I just knew something was wrong, she didnt try to save me or anything so we went our own ways.) we were young. And I’m still not really over it. I believe where I am right now is mostly through processing it all, but not quite out yet. I’ve thought about what went wrong, what could’ve been better. and I do accept that we may never get back together again, as much as I hate it. I still don’t see myself as an entirely complete person yet, mentally stable i’m not sure either. But because of the situation, I have the desire to speak out, and let her know that I am processing these things now, I understand what’s been up in my own mind, and I am now going to work forward from this. Given how I left I wanted to maybe say, I have the answers as to why now.. that She really was a good girlfriend (in case she doesn’t know), and that I still need some time to process it all, but that I am going to be a better communicator… and that for now I just want to have a good time seeing her, she is a person I did enjoy being around, and she even said yeah she enjoys being around me too so she’s down. Unfortunately I’m not head over heels and “let me come back” yet, she hasn’t even shown that she wants me at all (playing incredibly hard to get or putting up a wall? talking to someone else? lol). But i wanted to let her know I am sorry for the emotions I made her feel, I’ve been seeing it from her perspective as of lately and I’m just so sorry. But firm on the fact that I need more time. The relationship would need more time theres no way im getting back together with her when shes responding to me like she does you should see lmao, its not too too rough but it is apparent. I’m really busy with school right now too. And maybe end it off with a I would like to get to know the new her, because I am interested. Just not sure how much yet lol, it really has to be a mutual decision. At this point i’m not sure, High me really says no, but sober me has a soft spot. trying to figure out how much I should say, if anything, I want to make things better for if we do have an eventual get back together, scared I might just make things worse, But I haven’t been very open with her, this would be me trying to at least show I’m open about things. She said we shouldn’t talk about anything, just have a regular meet up, I’m down for that, but you see my passion here. I have lots of it. Its almost like I want to have a deep talk or two, but I am thinking that I shouldn’t.
Could use your assistance.
Thanks
James
Hi Zan,
I made most of these mistakes over three months to the point where she had enough and asked me to move on and not wait for her and never contact her again. It’s my first breakup so I had to learn about the value of no contact and space the hard way. I will never contact her again but I wonder if she knows I did what I did out of pain and not knowing a better way to handle things. Do you think she will reach out, should I send an apology text or is that selfish?
Hi,
My ex boyfriend and I had a complicated relationship from the start. It was very deep and moved quickly. We were both going through really tough times in our lives, which made it extremely difficult to validate and be there for each other. Then, I felt like our relationship lost intimacy, sweetness, and love. On valentines day, I sent him a whole cute package and he did nothing in return. I even had to remind him valentines day was coming two days before (we were long distance, so planning was essential). I started to pull away, and asked for a break so that we could take pressure off and rebuild our relationship. He didn’t take it well and then after a week’s break he decided he fully wanted to break up. It was really hard for me, and I couldn’t stand loosing him. I realize I made a mistake in asking for the break, but he then spun it all so that I am a manipulative person who wanted power and control in the break up. I wanted to be friends, he had become such an important support system and I care and love him so much and want to be his support to. He agreed thats what he wanted, but as time went on he just slowly drifted away from me. To the point where he said i’ve lost him, and when i said I want a second chance he said “now is not the time”. I thought we would stay at least close friends, but he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. I made so many post-break up mistakes. Like pleading, confessing love, breaking no contact. Its been over a month since we actually broke up, and about two weeks since we last had a big conversation about our relationship. I texted him once on his birthday, and once to wish him safety in this COVID situation. Have I made too many post-break up mistakes? is there still hope?
Hey Zan.
Thanks for an eye opener article. I met this girl online(she had recently broken up with her clingy boyfriend there) and we had a spark(we also were from same country); after a while when I told her about my feelings for a couple of times, she also accepted them and said even she likes me as more than a friend. We used to talk a lot (like 4 hours daily)through WhatsApp chats or video call and voice call each other. Even her brother and friends were told about me by her. We even had sexted. But one day she told me that we cannot be like this as we cannot meet in person and we also cannot date other person due to this relationship. I tried to convince her on texts but she still broke up. I then contacted her once and then second time on Valentine’s, and came to know that she is seeing another person in the text conversation(who isn’t her ex).I went into full No Contact thereafter. What do you thing about her coming back in this case?
My ex chased me for 2 years basically then I started dating her. 4 months into the relationship I got hurt very bad with a back injury. I couldn’t function like a normal person at all. I then got panic disorder where just leaving my house was scary. My house went into foreclosure which was devastating for me and my parents. I had to work through the pain for a year. The last year of the relationship I started getting a bit better but my focus was on myself. My ex felt I didn’t spend enough time with her and didn’t appreciate her. I didnt do things that she asked like sleep over, go top fun places, and she got bored just being in my room all the time. We would argue about my situation. I went through depression after all this and used her as my therapist. I notice her start to change but I was stuck in self pity. She only worked 8 hours a week no degree and I worked 45 so I liked my alone time when I got it. Eventually she broke up with me saying she needs more i asked her to talk 2 days later and after the talk she contacted me the next morning and said okay but get your shit together. I did just that. I started driving again through the panic disorder going further everyday, went to her house more. Went hiking with her once, sold pokemon cards to take her to a devil’s game. Joined her gym, bought her a roku. She ended up up just treating me like shit though . A month later we got in a fight over a event that happened with her friends months before. She broke up with me again over the phone saying all the things I did wrong and I only changed cause she broke up with me. She said she lost her spark but really loved me but don’t think things will be the same. I said okay and went NC. she contacted me 6 days later talking to me all day 3 days in a row. On the last day I asked her to talk, she said it probably wouldn’t help she just didn’t wanna lose one of her best friends. I said im hurt i rather just move on and not talk to her anymore and best of luck. She then went off saying I didn’t appreciate her, I pushed her to get breaking point and that I only changed cause she broke up which made her feel worse and she never thought I wanted anything serious with her and that I took her for granted. I stopped responding. 3 weeks later I reached out to talk, she said we can talk but she’s staying single in a very condescending way. I finally lost it I couldn’t control my negative emotions and lashed out. Basically I called her a bum, selfish for wanting vacations when she knows my situation and she barely works, said she just wants to be her friend so bad cause she can’t just be herself and that she’s lazy and a child and to get up and make something of herself. And that she never loved me , only what I could give her. I blocked her after. She’s unblocked now, its been a month and half. I feel so guilty cause I understand her side of the relationship now and feel like my last text was the final straw. What do I do? I feel so much regret.
Hi, my ex dumped me after cheating and flirting with girls, disregard my help to bail him out from the police when he got into trouble with the law for taking upskirt videos. when he was just fined by the court, he became ungrateful and blew hot and cold and said I was argumentative over things I was concerned over between us. he dumped me.
A few months later he hated me when I took a turn to report him three times on online social media about his upskirt crime to all his colleagues, employer, friends and online news community. He said whatever he did before should be forgiven and mine is unforgivable so everytime I felt I’m blamed for everything I took to online to expose him. Now he hates me to the core as he think it is revenge and said he would never revert his decision. I have apologised and deleted the post since and went no contact on him for past 8 months. what should I do to get back my dignity? will he ever regret then?
Hi.
What he did classifies as crime. Sure, telling everybody he knows wasn’t a good idea, as it made him look extremely bad. I don’t know if he’ll ever forgive you for exposing him. He left because he thought you were at fault. Based on that premise he has to realise he’s made a huge mistake, and be willing to forgive and forget what you’ve done post break-up. Depeding on what he’s doing with his life, it could take him years, or perhaps he won’t ever let go of it. Only time will tell. For now, you must move ahead.
To better your karma, leave your deed in the past and do nice things for others. Be of service to those in need, volunteer, do something nice for the elderly, etc. You can start by improving yourself internally and correcting your bad behavioural patterns and habbits.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Ive got a marrige predicament question for you.
My Wife and I broke up (separated) on Nov 18th, she was the dumper and said that she didnt think she had a breaking point but finally reached it. She said when we first married that divorce was not an option and now she is saying it is. When she asked for time and space i said that will pro ably be the best thing as i need time and space as well. Good thing to say or bad thing? I didnt really beg or plead.
So fast forward to the day after Thanksgiving when she sends me an email with her “demands” as i call it for what she needs during out time apart (visitation for our dogs, bills, etc) which i agree with her on. She then states that due to the wounds that were created that she will need 3-6 months to step away and view our marrige from a different perspective. This part i did freak out on and constantly talk to her parents about, which is where i probably messed up. At then at the end i told her that i love her and will be fighting for our marriage.
2 weeks later she meets with me and says that God told her to not to come back to our marriage and gave me a few other excuses, so im thinking its that shes in the relief stage which feels good so far because she got her own place and still wont tell me where she is living and also has taken on the grass is greener mindset. What do you think?
Lastly when she has emailed i have been in little contact since and have only replied to the business side of marriage. The last email was sent before Christmas which she had typed up a separation agreement for permanent time apart as required for the state of North Carolina and to be eligable to file for a divorce we must remain apart for 1 year and a day. So she emailed and said that she knew divorce was in her heart, which i havent replied to yet because I dont want to agree to the agreement or want a divorce. I really think she just lost attraction for me. What do you think? And just for some examples how do you think i should reply back to her email about the separation agreement? I have thought about sending a letter accepting the separation, but i wanted to see what your opinion or advice was first before i screw something else up. We would have been married for 5 years on December 14th.
Thanks,
Alex
Hi Alex.
Thanks for the comment.
Everyone has a breaking point. Some just take longer to reach it. What your wife meant was that things kept adding up one after another until her belief system changed. She suddenly felt the need to escape the marriage, so she connected a few dots and concluded it was a holy sign.
This is the time you lower your ego and stop all games with her. Drop everything negative, and make sure you give her what she wants. She asked for space, so the best thing to say would probably be something like, “I now realize how my words and actions have upset you and pushed you to this point. I also wish I hadn’t waited until this moment to take action. I sincerily hope you think about our marriage during this time apart, and contact me if you decide to start over. I’m ready to fight for us. All I need from you is a tiny bit of cooperation.”
Talking to her friends and family is going to make her feel even more trapped than she already does. As you say, she feels relieved right now, hence why you are probably seeing a new side to her. The 3-6 months excuse is just, well… an excuse to run. She doesn’t want to tell you where she’s staying, so you have to respect that. I know you are used to her telling you everything, but you can’t expect the same from her right now. her GIGS mindset is powered by the way she is feeling – relief. This is why she thinks her decision is justified.
I can’t say what happened in/to your marriage. Was it the arguments, not spending any quality time together? Whatever went wrong, it’s not the time to fix it. She’s not in a receptive state of mind to focus on those problems. In her mind, she has solved the issues by running away from them.
I wish I could give you a good advice on how to reply to that separation email. How about saying “hi (name). Although it saddens me to hear you wish to end our marriage, I have decided to agree to your request. I wish you all the best. Alex.” You can also include a tiny bit of my first example in here to showcase your change and acceptance.
Once you’ve said those things, you can’t ever ask to get back together again. You say what you have to say here and now, and be prepared to let her go. She has some things to process. The good thing is, she will have your email to refer to when she goes through some phases and begins to see things more clearly.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Thank you for the reply, by far this is the best response I’ve got from anybody at this point.
So just a little background on what she kept saying to me from the time she left me to the time 2 weeks later that we met was the lack of intimacy (physical & emotional). She had an incident with her dad who abused her sexually when she was little and has always carried that with her. So I’m thinking that it’s a little bit of something that I did sexual wise that triggered her fight or flight (over the course of a few weeks or months). There was also some mention about still being friends, but I doubt that can happen anyways…for me I’m just too emotionally unstable at this point.
But anyways, the separation agreement really isn’t required in our state. The requirements for divorce is to be separated in different houses/places for a year and a day from the time of separation. I do not have to sign the agreement and I dont want to. She is trying to do things easy and less expensive because we dont have alot of money right now. So either way it doesn’t matter about the agreement if we have to wait a year, it just states that everything we own or pay together will be split 50/50. So I’m trying to reply no to signing it without being mean. I was simply going to send an email that said I had accepted the break up/separation and then come up with some way to say “no” politely to her request. It’s been a week since i have sent a reply and i dont want her to think that I’m ignoring her so i will probably just send an acceptance email to the separation with what you had suggested. I did however want to say (politely) that I will not be signing the agreement now and if you need to have access to the things as discussed in this agreement then you may take/use it as you need it and if you still feel like you want a divorce by the time a year has passed then I will sign and notarize the agreement. What do you think about this way? Also, if you could possibly suggest a different way or approach to writing that out as a polite way of rejecting to sign the agreement.
Thanks again,
Alex
Hi Alex.
Settling for friends with her when you clearly want more is unacceptable. It wouldn’t work right away anyway, as you both agreed to get some space from each other. In the mean time, find out what exactly went wrong both physically and emotionally. I’m sure you will come to a realization and discern where the two of you should have put in more effort. I say the two of you, because it’s never really just one person’s fault. Never. Unless you abused her, which I’m sure you didn’t.
Take a step or two back to regain your emotional stability. You can’t make a coherent decision when your mind is running wild. If you act/react impulsively based on what you are feeling, it’s going to end badly for you. Find a way to cope with stress, and lock away unwanted emotions that could make you act irrationally. Once you feel composed and a bit more optimistic, your chances of making the right move are going to be much higher. This time, right now is most crucial to your reconciliation. You mess up now, and you sink deep. There’s no room for error.
I’m not well accustomed to divorce procedures, however it’s probably best you don’t anger her further. Deliberately delaying her request might cause more problems, as you won’t be able to force her into your way of thinking. She will most likely think you are doing it just to tick her off. Remember, she is angry at you, so I wouldn’t suggest intensifying it.
The proposition sounds nice and dandy, but boy will she feel restricted. I feel it may still be the best thing to do, as it is your way of compromising with her. She demands things from you quite bluntly, so standing up for yourself and stating your own opinion isn’t the worst thing in the world.
You could say, “Dear (name). I apologize for taking this long to get back to you, as I wanted to come up with the best possible remedy for both of us. I understand that you feel very angry towards me, and you have every right to do so. Because we are both extremely emotional during this predicament, I believe it would be in our best interest to suggest an alternative solution. I kindly ask you to hear me out. In the agreement, you requested access to the car, washing machine, (mention them if it’s like 5 of them). I am happy to share them with you. And if you still feel you want a divorce by the time a year has passed, I will sign and notarize the agreement.”
That’s all you can do. Showing acceptance, understanding and sympathy all in one message is what you should be going for. I hope she is at least prepared to hear you out and consider your suggestion.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Here is a bit of the update since I last talked with you about my wife and the separation agreement. I sent her an email just yesterday finally about how I was sorry it took so long to send a reply and asked for forgiveness while stating that if she still had access to our dogs visitation and the money, etc and that if she still wanted a divorce by the end of a year then I will sign the agreement. With all that being said she replied back after 1 day and is now putting all of the blame on me! She blames me for everything that has happened to her so far.
She said that it was my fault for making her leave and getting her own place to pay for her own bills, etc. It’s my fault for changing the locks so that she couldn’t see the dogs when she was coming over as she pleased and took whatever she wanted (I had to finally put my foot down). She is blaming me for her fear and paranoia and basically everything that has happened so far through our separation. She even went as far as saying that it wasn’t her intention of having me sign the agreement when she clearly stated that she would meet me and sign the thing the exact same day she sent it to me. She also went as far as saying that I brought up the separation agreement (it was a 3rd party who told her) and that it was my idea, so that when she spent all of her time working on it and I basically said I’m not signing it right now she blamed me for everything. She said it was for me to look at later down the road! Everything that she is saying and now contradicting is the exact opposite of what she said at the beginning of our break up. This is really driving me crazy and is quite confusing.
Could you please give me some clarification on what is possibly going through her mind, what stage she is in as the dumper, and what the heck do I do now? I am trying not to overanalyze anything she is saying and just thinking that this is the feelings she has right now. I’m just trying not to go super crazy because I’m starting to think that she is expecting me to do the opposite but I’m not and therefore she has no control so she blames me. I didn’t beg or plead with her to stay when she decided to leave, I have done everything the exact opposite of what she has hoped or that I normally would have done.
Thanks,
Alex
One last thing I forgot to mention, she also said for the 3rd time that she is not coming back to the marriage. So with that being said, should i just go indefinite no contact or what?
Hey Alex.
Your wife is experiencing extreme anger as a result of the relief stage. She wants to be left alone during this intensive time, as even the slightest mistake or misunderstanding is going to infuriate her. Anger is a state of power and control, hence why she blames you even for breathing. Unlike her unstoppable anger, depression is normally a self-blamed state in which people blame themselves, instead of others. Considering this, you know she is not sad for the misfortunes that have happened to her, but excruciatingly angry at you. Because you know that fighting fire with fire is never a good idea, you should try water instead. This doesn’t mean she will like the water. To placate her rage, simply agree and sympathize with her. Set your ego aside, and pity her. Dale Carnegie, a writer well known for self-improvement courses in his book “How to win friends and influence people” says, “Any fool can criticize, complain, and condemn—and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving. This can apply to both your wife and you. I doubt she will suddenly be interested in hearing your opinion, so take the initiative, and give her plenty of understanding. It doesn’t mean. You have to agree with her and let her take your furniture. You might not be able to stop her anger, but you can not make it any worse. She will always tell you things based on what she is feeling in the moment.
You should not reach out to her. If you do, it will make things worse. If she has business to discuss with you, she will do so herself. That’s when you follow the above advice.
There’s only so much you can do aright now. I suppose you should focus on how not to make things worse right now, and worry about repairing things later. You can’t and won’t have what you want right now, so allow things to unfold.
Do all of this, while you remain respectful, kind, understanding, positive, etc.
You can do this right!
Zan
Hey mate bit of a long story.
I broke up with my ex a few months ago we were dating for nearly 2 years. Unfortunately for the last 8 months of the relationship we had to do long distance which put a strain on our relationship and there was too much fighting.
After that she was really devastated and contacted me a fair few times saying she wanted to get back with me etc and work made her see a counsellor. After about 9 weeks broken up I was starting to really miss her and we discussed possibly getting back together. She had said she hadn’t stopped loving me etc. and that she would always want to get back with me. however one of her friends told me she had actually already been seeing someone where she was living so that pissed me right off haha because she had lied to me and so I said I wanted nothing to do with her. She would still text me once a week or so but I would not reply. Then about 2 weeks ago I messaged her and let it all out saying I still loved her but was just really hurt when I found out what she had been up too.
She told me that she had still been seeing that guy and that we weren’t meant to be with each other. So now I’m going to do no contact 1. To try and heal myself and 2. Just give her some space etc.
it’s funny since the break up we haven’t gone 2 weeks without been in contact with each other so I’m going to try and do 30 days at least. Any advice on what you think will happen or if I’m doing the right thing? Cheers
Hey Josh. Thanks for commenting.
You are facing a reversed dumper-dumpee situation.
Because you were the last one to say you want her back and poured your heart out, and she refused your offer because she is seeing someone else, you must do exactly as you stated — let her be and date the new guy (you can’t prevent it). During this time, focus on yourself. Improve parts of your life that you can control and try dating as well. Perhaps you weren’t a great fit. Some time apart could help you both grow so you can better communicate with each other. Time from eachother can be a blessing in disguise.
30 days isn’t going to suffice. Unless they break up during those days. I suggest you start moving on as fast as you can, so you aren’t stuck in hope-zone.
Giving her all the space in the world is doing the right thing. If the new person doesn’t live up to her expectations, she will run to her back-up plan (you).
Zan
I’m a man who is dumped by gf. I have to see her coz we both play wheelchair basketball once a week training and then occasional game days. Any suggestions ? Can no contact still apply and how should I be when I have to see her? I have stopped all social media or messaging contact.
We broke up 2.5 weeks ago .. she did it. Saying hadn’t felt love for few months. I asked for a final chance for a few months to go slow and reconnect what worked etc thinking. Well 3 months for her to lose love. Few month to try get it back. She declined. And now tells me she met someone recently not intending to it just happened she said. And she’s organising a date. This is only 2.5 weeks after she dumped me. I told her I would of thought she respected me and us enough after 2 years.. to take time to heal etc. Like I am. Is she on rebound ? Could I get her back. I have read the stages for dumpee and dumper. By the time she misses me I may be over her in the final stage.
Thanks
Hi Dan.
Thanks for the comment.
You have to appear friendly to your ex when you see her. Simply say something like this if you are forced to speak to her, “Hi. How are you? I’m gonna play with my friends now. Bye.” Don’t stare at her or give her any eye contact. You go there to play wheelchair basketball, and that’s it. You don’t pay any attention to her, unless she plays the game to. If she does, simply act as if she’s just another player.
If she comes back, it’s only because you’ve left her alone. It won’t work otherwise. I can’t say whether she’s in a rebound or not. It’s just a term. I do hope you’re over her if she decides to come back. It’s the best thing you can do, because you will be able to decide if you want her back or not.
Kind regards,
Zan
Many thanks for reply.
The reason why I said that to her I send her the message that I wish you very best and happiness,love you always and take care and pologiesed for my mistakes…and she replied and said ” I am glad you understand and and we shouldt be in touch” and I replied don’t worry even I don’t have your number any more and won’t contact you again. But I been very good to her I did 80% right and always been nice to her except 4 arguments in 9 month. I will never ever contact her again for sure.
Thanks
Hi again.
Well done. It sounds like you handled the situation well and apologized for your mistakes. Now it’s up to her to take things further if she wishes to do so. Take this time apart to make as many positive improvements as you can.
I wish you all the best!
Zan
Hi Zen,
First of all I have to say great article and useful.
My girl friend and I break up like 25th August and unfortunately I did all the mistakes and begged her to back to me and after a month she said we better not contact each other until we are over it. And I said I will never contact you ever again and delete her from everywhere..number, social media….
We broke up after 9 month and we were in love and I give her everything love, care about her,helped her with her business,I always been supportive….. But at the same time we had a argument I get upset and bad fight but she nows how much I loved her. story short it was my mistake and she left. Even I told her you will regret and in max 2-3 years she will regret.
What is your opinion?
Many thanks
Hi. Thanks for the comment.
You have made quite a few mistakes already. The biggest one is when you said she will regret it in the future. Because of that comment, she will try her hardest not to regret it. Now that you said you won’t contact her again proves how emotionally unstable you were at the time. That’s extremely unattractive, so you must cease the immature behaviour immediately!
Whatever the case, you must let her go in order to get her back in the future. You can either stick to your word and never reach out again, hoping she will and apologize then, or you can send her an apology text, saying you were emotional at the time, and that the break up’s given you some clarity. You wish her the best and follow the indefinite no contact rule.
If you were good to her she will without a doubt remember the fond memories.
Best of luck,
Zan