These guidelines are for those who got broken up with and wish they could reconnect with their lost love sometime in the future. Follow each and every one of these tips to prevent yourself from ruining your chances of getting back together with your ex.
Stopping your impulses won’t be easy since the time after the breakup is highly emotional. But that doesn’t mean you can’t do it.
Here are 18 post-breakup mistakes that won’t get your ex back.
1)Beg and plead
Begging and pleading right after a breakup might seem like the most logical thing to do. Unfortunately, it’s actually very counter-intuitive. Pouring your heart out after you’ve been broken up with can lead to more bad than good.
By exhibiting needy behavior, you ruin your self-esteem, as well as any remaining value in your ex’s eyes. Exhibiting insecurities strongly decrease your chances of reconciliation as it reinforces your ex’s decision. He or she will feel annoyed and want you even less.
2)Chase
The definition of chasing in relationships is when a partner (the less secure one) portrays low self-esteem either by constantly seeking approval or by showing insecure behavior (jealousy, neediness, controlling). This behavior pushes your ex further away, damaging your ego.
3)Promise change
Promising to change after you have probably been given multiple chances to do so, won’t work. What you can do instead is focus on yourself and become the best version of yourself.
Only after you have truly evolved, is when you should show off your transformation. You can do so by posting your new life on social media. The break up could have been just what you needed to actually change, so don’t promise what you haven’t delivered yet.
4)Ask to see your ex one last time
You were broken up with because he or she doesn’t want to see you. I know it hurts your self-esteem, so fight it with everything you’ve got!
5)Plot revenge
If you want to dig your own grave and eliminate the chances of ever getting back together with your ex, then go ahead and do something nasty.
6)Keep in touch
It varies for each person, but if you were a prick or you wasted your chance, the best thing to do is to walk away and don’t reach out. Staying in contact usually doesn’t work right away. I suggest you let things cool off first, and wait for him or her to express interest again.
7)Show up where your ex is
Also known as stalking. It’s the easiest way to get a restraining order after a breakup.
8)Profess your unrequited love
By professing your love, you stroke your ex’s ego, making him feel so good about himself. He will think to himself “Wow, I’m not really interested in this person, and it’s really nice to know she still loves me. I will drag her on the side of the road, throwing breadcrumbs at her so she’s hungry for me, but never actually has a chance at getting back together.”
9)Stay friends
He won’t change his mind as long as you are around. So take a hike. Staying friends with an ex after the breakup almost never works because you will end up getting hurt like hell. You will be forced to listen to who your ex is dating and how great life is without you.
Save yourself from misery while you can and walk away.
10)Be the backup plan
By being your ex’s backup plan, your ex knows he can have the cake and eat it too. If you want to show your value, completely remove yourself from his life after the breakup.
11)Be negative
If you are negative post-breakup, he or she will hold on to that image of you. Changing the way one views you can be one of the hardest things to do. Brim with positivity instead.
12)Bring up the breakup and past events
Go ahead if you really want to remind your ex how much the relationship sucked.
13)Do everything your ex asks you to do
The last thing you want to do is be single, his servant and show that you are still head over heels in love with him. He needs to experience what life is like without you.
14)Booty calls
Sounds enticing, doesn’t it? Unless you genuinely feel you will end up together because of the emotional connection sex provides, don’t do it. You can tell it’s a booty call if you get a call at 11 pm and leave the house at 1 am.
15)Watch her social media posts
Similar to staying friends, you will end up hurt, so it’s best you refrain from looking at your ex’s posts. If you look at her new amazing life, you will most likely overanalyze things and suffer as a result.
16)Contact your ex’s friends
If you do contact your ex’s friends, do it over something unrelated to your ex. Never contact them asking how your ex is doing. You will come off as a devious coward.
17)Taking actions due to raging emotions
Controlling your emotions is key to getting back with an ex. Without self-control, you will mess up at some point, lash out on impulse and send your progress to oblivion.
18)Be predictable
Doing the exact same things will additionally prove that the breakup has not shifted your focus to more meaningful things. Instead, do activities your ex would never have expected you to do. Were you known as a bad dancer?
Now is the time to own the dance floor. Go back to school and graduate, make new friends, try new food, travel, etc.
Have you committed many post-breakup mistakes? Are you having difficulties controlling yourself? Leave a comment.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.
Hi, I was a cheater and I lost my chances to make thing right… However I could not forget her even a single minute. After I get rid of my affair and show her up, she said she is now dating someone else.. Do I have a chance to get her back.. I cannot let myself forget her no matter how much painful it is… Can I still get her love ??
Hi Tint.
At this moment she’s not open to dating you again. Focus on yourself for now and see if she changes her mind in the future. She’ll change her mind only if she gets treated badly and has no better options.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi, I begged, promised to change and professed my love in a long letter 3 weeks after he broke up with me. Of course that didn’t change anything. Now I’m doing no-contact. But having made those mistakes in my letter, did it ruin any chance I could have had at getting him back?
Hi, my ex (of 2,5 years) broke up with me last thursday via text. In the break up message he said one of the reasons was that the feeling of love has become less. That hurted. Last year my dad passed away and I think that played a big role in why I have become more negative and more stressed. I know I’ve made mistakes in this. I feel like I was more happy and less stressed in the beginning of our relationship. I have a question. I want to do some new activities for my own growth, (which I maybe can also post on my social media, but not specifically for that reason). Do you have ideas for new activities in lockdown, which show that you’re trying to develop yourself in a positive way? And is there a change that he will miss me and regret his decision if he said that he wants to be alone and not in a relationship, and that the love has become less? The period before the relationship he sometimes said that maybe it is better to stop, but one day before the break up he said that we could work this out to be together in the future. And one day later he sended me this message.. I discussed with him what we could have improved to save the relationship, the day of the break up, however I did not beg him to stay. I asked him to meet and discuss the break up in real life, (mistake 4), however it was only for me to get closure and that what I told him too. I told him that he broke me by giving me false hope all the time, but I told him eventually that its fine and I wished him the best. I’m doing no contact since then. What is your opinion? Do you think he will regret the decision some day or was this the last contact? He still follows me on instagram btw, I do not follow him back (since more than 1 month already).
Im sorry your father passed away. I think it’s perfectly normal to be upset and “negative” when something like this happens, in the middle of a pandemia, no less! Don’t be so hard on yourself. I hope your heart finds peace soon.
Hello, I am 32 years old. My ex and I had been together for about a year and 9 months before she broke it off with me. We quickly fell in love and I never had as much in common with someone as her in my whole entire life. She is 26. We moved in together quickly after we started dating and this is where the problems started. We both have ADHD and so life has been a little harder for us than others. While my ADHD affects organization/motivation/addiction, hers’ affects memory and attention. We started having a lot of arguments since I am cleaner than she is and I would get on her case for not being as clean. I work full time and go to school while she is a full time student. We started building up resentment as the relationship continued because I would make promises that I would either forget about or just couldn’t keep while she would take on responsibilities that she would forget or prioritize other things. We already broke up once before about a year ago because I had become very anal about a lot of things. At first I had lots of patience but she started going through a depression, being very lazy, and just altogether not helpful for someone that I was trying to eventually marry. I kept trying to change her so that things around the apartment would be more efficient and this is where I went wrong. I was very unreasonable sometimes and it drove her away. We broke up for a month but I tried very hard to win her back and promised to do everything around the house if we got back together. We got back together and gave it another try. I basically did everything around the house as well as working to get into professional school by taking prerequisites. Eventually when my birthday came around, she agreed to take on more of the responsibilities in the apartment since that is what I requested. We started getting into more arguments after that. During the pandemic, we both let ourselves go. I gained a lot of weight while working from home and just became overall more lazy. I was taking prerequisites but didn’t have a comprehensive plan on when/how I was going to get into the professional school I wanted to. I figured since I had time still I could piece it along as I go. We broke up ultimately because I started treating her not as good as before. I was just so stressed out with working full time, taking 4 online classes, as well as maintaining the household. She was adding to that stress while she was also stressed out as a full time student. We both take Adderall pretty often and we are both prone to irritability while on it. This coupled with the fact she also has an IUD, which makes her moody in general, makes some of our interactions more heated than I think would be otherwise if we weren’t on those substances. Anyways, we broke up and I tried so hard to get her to change her mind. I did all the things that I didn’t think i would do like beg, plead, and just altogether lose it in front of her. I couldn’t stop sobbing the night she told me. It broke me because during the quarantine, I unintentionally isolated myself from all my friends and she was the only person I talked or even chatted on a daily basis for months. It was a high level of codependency. She wasn’t as affected because she still kept in contact with her friends. I was an emotional wreck. After she left, I tried to talk to her and convince her as much as possible to get back together and what I would change, but she said for now, she wanted to break up and maybe sometime in the future, after we both grow, she might think about giving it another try. I was devastated at this because that isn’t a guarantee and I just lost my cool. I tried to focus on school/work while still living in our apartment while she went home for a month to her parent’s place. I had until the end of the month to leave. As the days went by, I kept trying to talk to her, maybe have it be like it was before but to no avail. I didn’t realize I wasn’t respecting her wishes because I was just focused on somehow getting back together. I was in some desperate moods at one point and my friend said maybe I should just date again and see how it is. He suggested I make a dating account app on Hinge. I did so but wasn’t too interested in it. I stupidly didn’t delete it afterwards. I went to a party in Austin to get my mind off of things and one of her friends saw me on the dating app and told her. She then stopped talking to me altogether and blocked me from everything except facebook. Even though I hadn’t done anything on the dating app, from her point of view I can see how she must have taken it, especially since I had been telling her she was the one for me and I would never want to be with anyone else. A few days later, she messaged me and told me that I had 2 days to move out of the apartment, 2 weeks earlier than she had said before. I was bogged down with tests but I had to make time to move. I was very upset because it ruined my studying plans and made me do badly on my test. I moved out and didn’t talk to her for around 2 weeks. She eventually came back into town and I needed to grab some things from her and she from me. I surprised her by bringing ingredients to make dinner and we had a nice dinner and watched some Netflix. Surprisingly, she agreed to hang out the next morning for an impromptu breakfast. We then started hanging out the next 2 weeks, almost like old times. I would go to her place and study/watch TV for around 6+ hours a day, during the weekday. She unblocked me from everything, however she stated we are just friends and said that we probably might not get back together. Friday and the weekend she was in Austin, or so she told me. The last Friday before everything went to shit again, I wanted to pick up my TV that I let her borrow since I was in the area on an errand. She didn’t answer until much later and said she was already in Austin. I was accepting of that and let it go. Later on that night, I saw her snap story and she was obviously still in San Antonio. I asked her why she lied to me and she said that it was because she took that snap before she left for Austin and didn’t post it until later. I was actually 5 mins down the road from her place at my friend’s house and I thought that reasoning was really off. I swing by around her place and see her car still parked in the lot, which meant she lied. Before this, while we were hanging out, she told me that she wasn’t wanting to get into another relationship and that she just wanted to focus on herself. I believed her and was happy that maybe she would just do that, giving us time to reconcile. I actually left some of my furniture over at her place because I didn’t have a place to put it at the time when I moved back home for a bit. She needed it from my POV and since she was just going to work on herself, I was ok with her keeping it for a bit. Since she lied, my mind started spiraling because what if this whole time she was seeing someone else and just sleeping with him on the bed that we shared that belonged to me. I was stressing over it all weekend. I even messaged her over the weekend telling her I felt something was going on she wasn’t telling me. I can tell she was starting to get annoyed at me. On Monday when I finally went to pick up my TV, I confronted her about the lying. I told her I was in the area when she replied and checked to see if her car was there. She got annoyed at me and was disbelieving that I would do that. I told her the reason why I was freaking out about this was because I was afraid that she was seeing someone else and she was having sex on my bed that she was borrowing. Instead of assuaging my fears, she told me that “It’s your fault if we fucked on your bed” and quickly added that of course she didn’t and insisted she isn’t seeing anyone. That really triggered me because I just needed her to say “Of course not, I wouldn’t do that” but instead she said something that was really suspicious. I was on very little sleep and I blew up on her, basically called her a liar and I wanted my furniture back right now. She said that she was having guests over this weekend and I would just have to wait because she wasn’t done with it. I couldn’t do anything but just leave and be super pissed. Afterwards, when I got back to my car, I calmed down and then knocked on her door again and apologized for the way I behaved. I tried to defuse the situation but she just said that she will contact me later about my furniture. She then blocked me from all forms of social media. She put my furniture in a storage room and I picked it up later that week. I sometimes ask a mutual friend about her and she said that she doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore and that I should move on and stop trying. I once went over to her place to try to talk to her in person but no one answered the door. She doesn’t have any friends in the city we both live in right now and another car was parked in the covered parking spot she usually parks in. It might be a new guy she is seeing or it just might be a friend. I have no proof but it validates that she might have been lying to cover up something when she initially lied about the TV. I know what I did wrong here and I wish I had read some articles about break ups before acting but I felt like I made all the wrong moves. I know this may seem like a very dysfunctional relationship but I honestly have never met anyone like her in my life. I know with hard work, it could be a very satisfying and great relationship. I want to start something new with her since the old relationship had resentment built up. I know that things that I did probably made her fall out of love with me such as getting lazy during the pandemic and losing motivation to work on the future. Since then, I have gotten back into shape, made big moves to get into professional school with a more comprehensive plan, and tried to reflect what I could do better. I just handled the break up very badly. I was emotionally immature, needy, pathetic, desperate, and annoying. I believe all those just came out in this time of desperation because normally I am not like that. When we started hanging out again, I was trying too hard to make things be like it was again, being too pushy about hanging out, etc. I should have just let it happen slowly but I was too impatient and also too hopeful. Maybe the initial lie about the TV was harmless, but I believe that she had already started talking to someone else at that time, possibly someone she already knows. I should have respected her wishes and accepted that the relationship was over, improved myself, and possibly start something new with her in the future, but I was clinging onto nostalgia too much. I was prying into her business too much. Every time her friend asks for me, she tells her that she’s not seeing anyone and she’s just focusing on herself, although I feel like she’s lying to me still. She also says that even if she is, it’s none of my business, which I understand it isn’t. I know this is a long read and I appreciate you taking the time to read it. I don’t know if I have any chance at getting her back especially with the full block. I know she’s probably angry still but there were qualities in this relationship I’ve never had before that I wish to have again. We just clicked so well in the beginning and we both instantly thought about marriage. I know a lot of the fault lies with me and how I treated her, sometimes unknowingly. I just wish to have one more shot at this. The changes I need to make to myself are ones I feel like would be beneficial to improve me as a person overall. All my friends tell me to just move on and that I can do better, but I am very persistent. I know I can find someone else, but I honestly don’t want anyone else but her. Can you please help me with this?
Hey man, listen it’s really sweet to hear how much you love your ex, but in all honesty it’s no longer up to you. If she truly wanted to be with you, she’d make it work with you. She already knows you love her and are willing to change and do anything for her. Seems like she understands, but that’s not what she wants anymore. Sounds like she wants someone new, or had been talking to someone that she’s interested in and is now seeing. I know it hurts to hear that, I’ve had it happen to me recently. It’s appalling that someone could be such a coward and can’t just tell you straight. Whatever, she sucks for that.
You sound amazing and should be proud of all the changes and improvements you have made. I think you should save that for the next person, start new. I know it seems impossible that you could ever think of someone else being the one, especially since you put in so much work for your last relationship. However you will find someone else; someone new and exciting who feels the same way about you. There are lots of wonderful and special people out there, don’t convince yourself that she’s the sun. She’s not. Do yourself a favor and date someone new. It will save you so much heartache, time and energy than trying to make it work with your ex. That whole needing space to work on herself is a load of crap, why can’t she work on herself with you in her life? Oh yeah all that extra love and encouragement can be so detrimental (eye roll). Save yourself! Don’t be so closed minded to the possibility of someone new. 🙂 good luck! Xx
Hi,
I want to ask for advice, because I’m drowning in my own thoughts. My ex and I broke up 3 months ago after a relationship of 7 years. We had a bad period of 6 months of hurting each other and after he called it quits. It has been very hard for me ever since. Only the day after we broke up with me, he saw another girl and now they have been dating for three months, which I find very disrespectful. As heartbroken and mad as I am, some part of me still wants him back. However, I’ve comitted the following errors: #1-6, 8-9, 11-12, 15-17. I now feel pushy and desperate and I’m afraid that things will never work out for us again…
Damn girl i feel you, same with me, my ex dated a new girl just some weeks or days after the breakup and they seem to be super happy now. So of course none of my explanations, misunderstanding clearing or begging helped to get him back and reflect that we just had a stupid unneccesary argument. He knows her for over a year and i think they already had dates or sex when things were not so good with me and him sometimes because he had problems dealing with the distance and me not being there, so he went out to fill the void and even told me so (we had a long distance relationship so it was easy for him). When i saw him the last time we were talking bout finally moving in together, actually were even engaged, however i didnt full obey to his plans (i did to the moving in, but wanted a remote job first and stay financially independent and it might take some month), He then got so angry and broke it off, because i didnt fully obey ans always would ‘require some extras’ in his eyes, even thou ‘he offered me something he never offered any woman before’ – which was to pay everything for me.
And i think the new girl made it very easy for him to not react to any of my explanations after, cuz he already had his eyes on her before, someone who seems to be much’ easier and less complicated’ than me. they are together now for 3 month already and seem super happy and intimate together, already got to know each others friends and so on…it makes me throw up literally. I feel like i made him ready for this relationship, because he has some trauma issues and i taught him a lot about communication and to be more self reflective etc. And i feel like he uses all the good i taught him in his new girlfriend now and is really the perfect match.. -_-
So i know your post is some time ago, but if you have any reccomendation and experience on what helped you to finally get over it and accept it, id appreciate your answer. Things like these just suck so much
One month ago, my ex ghosted me and I soon discovered she was seeing her ex-bf during the first lockdown. I respected her decision to dumb me and immediately I went into no contact. Few days ago, I broke NC with a “take care” text as our city was going back to another lockdown. The next day, she breadcrumbed me by asking if I had ever loved her. And I fell for the bait with a confession of unrequited love… Mistake no. 8. I should have read this post earlier. Now I am feeling like I am back to Stage 1 of the Dumpee’s feeling again.
I was with my ex for a year. I fell pregnant in July and found out in August. The pregnancy brought on severe sciatica and I’m epileptic. I’ve also got a teenage daughter. He said that if I went ahead with the pregnancy, he didn’t think he could be with me. He said he was too young. Not ready. He’s 11 years younger than me. I had a termination. We cried together. He left me 5 weeks after. Just said to me, I don’t want you anymore. I’m still hurting after the termination. It was something I didn’t want to do, but he said we were doing it for the right reasons. I’ve confessed my love for him, begged him, slept with him once. He said he doesn’t want me. I told his parents about the pregnancy and the women he chases and messages when hes high and which he has done all the way through our relationship. Emotions were high. I was distraught. I’ve stepped back now. He works on my road which makes it harder.
Zan,
Hi my name is Bianca and I was in a relationship for almost two years. We broke up six days ago.
I wish I would have came across this site before I decided to do majority of the things on this list (1,2,3,4,6,8,9,13,14,17).
We lived together for five and a half months and we moved to another city to start college. Everything was great until I decided to get angry at him because I thought he didn’t care enough, this led to an argument and he tried to break up with me there. I convinced him otherwise and we tried again only to break up for good three days later. He cheated on me multiple times, nothing PHYSICAL just over social media texting other women. I didn’t find out about the cheating until the month before we were about to leave our hometown. This led me to be super insecure. We moved in and after a week the first argument was made, he became distant. He got another job and started to hang out with his new friends and it made me even more angrier that he was leaving me behind. I also thought he was cheating on me again. This led us to break up and made me move back into my parents house.
Fast forward to when I moved back to my parents place, he said he wanted to stay friends but that he wanted to do “his own things.” I would occasionally text him once or twice and he would respond as well. He also came over to sleep with me the second day I moved back because there was an intruder that broke in my parents house.
Some days we would hang out at his apartment and on another day we even went to an amusement park, and on that night we kinda did more than we were supposed too. On the same night he told me he loved me, and I said it back.
The next day he came back to my parents house to borrow my money so that he could buy school supplies and new clothing, I thought maybe I could go with him but instead he took out his new friend, which was another girl.
This made me EVEN more insecure. On this same day, I had a friend that overdosed and I injured myself accidentally (allergic reaction and to be hospitalized).
I tried to get his attention because he told me to call him whenever I needed him, to which he ignored me the whole day. He finally answered at 5 in the morning to say he didn’t want to be friends anymore. We argued again because I asked if the girl changed his mind about me, he said no, called me a loser, and I decided to hang up mid conversation after he called me that. Now i’m seeing that he’s taking me off his social media’s and even texting my mother to return my money back but he won’t text me.
I told him that I would change and that I would stop being angry. I love him dearly.
I’m so confused and I really want to be with him, I have been through way too many painful relationships to start another one.
Should I follow the no contact rule and give him space so that he can possibly come back or should I just cut him completely off?
I don’t know what to do either… I’m always glad to talk and relate to someone. Don’t hesitate to reach out
Hi all. My partner broke up with me a week ago what feels like out of the blue. We had been dating since the end of June 2020, and I had met his teenage kids after six months. To my mind our relationship was good and strong (and he agreed this at the time of the breakup, including that he agreed we were good for each other), we didn’t really fight, very compatible on all levels, similar backgrounds, values, future goals and hobbies. Able to resolve any minor conflicts well and all Those signs of a strong relationship. Everything had been going well and we both often talked of the future and future plans. I started staying full time at his place (him and the kids live there) at the start of COVID back in early April when Australia first went into lockdown. everything about that went really well, even down to getting along well with his kids with them asking me for advice and the youngest one recently referring to my partner and I as his parents. We hadn’t really set a timeframe for when I would go home, but I had asked a couple of times if he wanted me to and he replied in the negative, so all seemed good. Then suddenly last Wednesday when I got home from work he told me it wasn’t working for him anymore and he did not see a long term future with me. Understandably this came out of the blue for me, as even the weekend immediately preceding we had talked of future plans and he had given no signs of unhappiness or being dissatisfied in our relationship. Far from it. I’m obviously a bit devastated at the moment, as it’s a big wrench going back to how life was before meeting him. I’m missing three people, not just one. He’s been going through a lot of work stress and has recently taken time off work. He told me that I hadn’t done anything wrong, he just doesn’t think he has the capacity to be in a relationship at the moment with everything he’s working on. He agreed that I’m supportive and give him his freedom and so all the right things for him so I am at a total loss to understand what is going on. He even told me that his therapist agrees I’m good for him and supportive and such. He’s also recently told all his friends that he’s been struggling mentally but that he’s lucky to have such a supportive partner. I’m just confused about why the seemingly sudden about face. We’ve always been able to speak to each other about what is bothering us, but this time he hasn’t mentioned anything at all. I would love nothing more than for us to get back together, not out of need, but because I want to be there to support him in whatever things he goes through, good and bad, and also for his kids who I feel a real connection with (his eldest messaged me this week to tell me he’s got a job, and to share some pics and to tell me he misses me). I want to be there for our future (all four of us), and to help and support each other. I don’t really believe in soul mate stuff but we definitely had a strong connection. He’s always been supportive to me also, and I’ve had my own struggles which I have been open about but he’s always voiced admiration and support for me. I’ve made some of the mistakes detailed above, which I guess is a normal reaction. I guess I’m just hoping he sees the good in our relationship and the value we both bring to each other. We haven’t really discussed what exactly happened to precipitate the break up, and I guess I may never know. We are still connected on socials and fitness apps and he continued to view my stories and like some of my posts, so I’m just confused about the future. We had our last contact yesterday as I had received two rather nasty messages from someone about the end of our relationship and I wanted to know if what they said was true. He told me that they weren’t and that he had also received some messages from the same account and that they were equally nasty. Communication seems pleasant enough and he didn’t leave me hanging at all for hours. Sorry that was a bit of a rambling mess! I guess I need to start the no contact process and work on my own self, but it’s hard because it feels like last Wednesday morning everything was normal (cuddles in bed, made my lunch and coffee to take to work, kiss goodbye, told me he had steak out for dinner, normal affection etc) and then by Wednesday evening it had turned to ‘we need to talk; this isn’t working for me anymore; I don’t see a long term future with you’. If anyone has any stories or suggestions or advice I’d love to hear it. Honestly believed he and I were both in this for the long haul
Please don’t hesitate to reach out, I’m going through a depression post breakup right now. Kind of need people to relate to.
Kylie – Similar situation for me. I haven’t had contact for a month with my ex and don’t plan to do so, forever. I spent 4 years with her and her son attempting to be the best role model I could be to him. Start no contact. Turn, walk away, and NEVER look back. Be strong. You have worth. Your presence in his life and the life of his children is irreplaceable. He does not deserve your consideration. He does not deserve your attention. He brings you into the life of his children so easily and then, just as easily, rips you out of their life? In such a short period of time? I’m not going to judge, but….
Thanks for your blog. I was dumped a couple days ago and asked my ex to give me space immediately. Unfortunately we work together and at some point we will have to talk about work but with your articles im preparing myself to avoid more mistakes.
The first days i was actually pondering sending him a letter or ask him to met me so i can tell him how sorry i am for my mistakes and ask if there is a chance, but with each passing day i accept a little bit more that its final.
Was with my ex for 8 years and we recently broke up a month and a half ago and I was doing good on no contact until last week I gave in when she posted a new picture showing off a little more of her than I would like and I lost my cool and blocked her on Instagram and then texted her a couple long messages saying how upset and mad it made me that she would do that and so on and from there she simply just didn’t reply and ended up blocking my number and deleting all remaining pictures of us on her Instagram and put it on private. Please tell me I didn’t ruin this for good. Can I still go no contact rule from here on out and have a chance ? We were high school sweethearts and always told eachother we were soulmates and we’d end up getting married and having kids someday. I can’t imagine losing her forever I just know what we had was special and I hope with all my heart it can be rekindled some day.
So after 22 yrs my gf broke up with me about 5 weeks ago. I exhibited 1,2,3, 11, and 14. It’s complicated bc we still live with each other, although I’m moving 600 miles away soon. It ducks bc I know the wrong I did. She was in the wrong as well. She also is in a rebound with a man who’s divorcing his wife. So 2 rebounds. Great article, wish I saw this earlier. Even though it’s been a month, is it too late? Not doing any of these negatives from here on out is still the right thing to do. Again it’s still early and after 12 yrs, I’m sure she misses me. Probably why she did a rebound so she doesn’t have to face grieving. A bandage on a huge wound
My ex girlfriend and I were dating for 11 months, I thought everything would be ok and everything was happy, we supported each other and the relationships was good.
then covid 19 hit and we where in iso together shared living (australia) not allowed out of the house, for few weeks in April she became distant and indifferent
then a week ago she broke up with me saying that she wasnt happy in the relationship and that i was not to blame. I went to another city where my parents were and stayed with them but cicumstances forced me back to the same house as my ex, We had a chat one to one where I asked questions and she said that she was anxious to come home after work to me and when i got out of bed. I asked if there was anychace to get together (a week later) and if she would be gf again and she said no. We are still living in the same house but seperate rooms but it is hard and its almost impossible to leave or no contact,
I care for her so much and love her so much but at the end of the day I don’t want to be in a relationship where she will resent me or is unhappy.
Your Thoughts
Lachy
I dated a guy for four months. We had a perfect relationship and moved really fast. When we broke up, it was very sudden and seemed abrupt. He said it was because of some personality traits I have. I think it was because we are currently different religions, but he is thinking of converting to mine and doesn’t want me to influence his decision. Two weeks after we broke up, I texted him saying I wanted to talk and he didn’t text me back.
I really think he could be the one. I’m not sure what my next move is.
Hi Tanya, I feel like if the guy has some issues with your personality then he isnt the one. If a person can not accept you for all the good and bad aspects of who you are as a person, then that person is not the one for you.
Hi Tanya.
Your next move is the no move move.
You need to wait until he expresses the desire to talk to you.
Best,
Zan
hi, i’m miranda, i just recently got broken up with and my ex has blocked me on mostly everything except for his dogs instagram account and facebook. after we broke up we never had no contact until he blocked me on everything. we’ve talked exclusively and hooked up and he asked me to be in a relationship again and i very stupidly made the mistake of saying maybe we should talk longer because i thought it might help. i have made many of these post break up mistakes such as begging and pleading, spamming with calls and texts, which made him very angry and he even said he would call the police if i didn’t stop as well as called my mom and told her the same thing. his (and my old) “boss” answered the phone once as well as another FEMALE coworker twice the second time very rudely. he called me irresponsible and immature because i’d let my new puppy around his while we were talking without shots and his dog got sick (but he was already sick) and i said “you call me irresponsible but at least i’ve never killed a dog of mine” referring to a dog of his that had got loose and ran over by a car. this argument led to us “breaking up” again. he told me he never wants to speak to me again because of this. i have told him i’m sorry and that i love him a million times. he’s told me that we will never get back together and that he’s over me. i’ve chased him and said i would change asked to see him again asked fo be friends made nearly every single one of these mistakes. do you think he would ever contact me first again? a lot less get back together with me? all i want is him in my life. please help. thank you.
Hi Zan,
This post was extremely insightful, relatable and eye-opener.
I was in a relationship for around 4 years. Mostly we remained in distant cities due to our profession, and although there were occasional fights, misunderstandings and miscommunications, but we had a good understanding, care, respect and trust for each other.
Off late complications arose and things went down hill and ultimately she broke up with me. I could not understand and take that pain, went into depression, and with more things not really going in my favor, it really took a toll on me. Because of my emotional reliance that I’ve previously had on her and to undo everything, I apologized, a lot, and did a lot of these things what you stated above.
Reading them I can completely relate now why she has started to resent me even more now and it hurts. I went through your indefinite NC rule and found great sense in it. You also mentioned that its completely fine if one is going through NC to get things back on track. To tell you frankly, I still love her and I don’t want to loose her. I want to improve myself, the mistakes I did, work on myself and for myself more than anything, but I don’t want to loose her, more so because I think we were good together and can be better too. She says she still cares for me and if I am in ever need of anything I can contact her. I haven’t un-followed her in social media platforms, neither she has.
What would you suggest I can do? I am determined to go on an indefinite NC, work and improve myself, be more positive. I have found your suggestions to be most practical and sensible, so please suggest what else can I and should I do? Do you think she will come back, and moreover is it fine on my part to let a hope remain in me after committing many of these post break-up mistakes?
Hi Familiar stranger.
I strongly suggest that you let go of hope as quickly as you can. Whether you made many post-breakup mistakes or none doesn’t change the fact that you have to prioritize your well-being which comes from letting her go.
Work on yourself and your shortcomings and put your focus on yourself. In doing so, you’ll develop yourself into the person you need to be and no longer rely on your ex for happiness.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey Zan,
Thanks for your reply. I was in no contact all this long and sure it was difficult but revealing too. Her b’day was on new year’s eve, and although I wanted to, I didn’t wish her. Next day she wishes me on text happy new year, and I casually replied after few hours wishing her happy new year and belated b’day. She texted from her side after a long time, and I think I did not show her a lot of eagerness. I though replying casually and in a neutral way would make her feel that I am moving on.
She asked me later how I was doing, but deleted because I couldn’t reply. I then texted her after sometime asking her how is she, just not to appear ignoring or rude. She said good and asked how I was to which I replied good. Later that day she texts asking what I was doing, I replied in sometime ‘nothing much, you?’ She didn’t reply to what she was doing, and just asked how my business was going which I recently started, was struggling into a bit and had involved her while we were together as she is studying business. I casually replied ‘Good’ and didn’t pursue conversation from my side or showed a lot of interest as I thought she herself is not interested in anything other than asking how my business was going. She then later texts me all the best for business and bye. While we were together, we never said bye. Everyone has their own texting language and comfort zone and bye for us would mean a good long pause. Since she said bye, I also thanked her and said bye.
Now I might be overthinking, but later I realized I should have shown more interest or gave short but interesting replies to her questions. I doubt if she will text me anytime soon now. In case she does, should I give interesting replies so as to pique her interest, or will she consider it over-eagerness from my side and repel back again? She pursued the conversation from her end and broke NC. Should I keep continuing NC or should I try to pursue conversation from my end? Since she has also said bye, although I want to, but I don’t deem fit to pursue it and appear needy. Although I want to remove the image from her mind that I am not moving on, I fear she might have suspected my replies to portray that I am still not ‘good’. Her mixed signals during this NC is confusing me if she actually reached out to just test the waters and throw breadcrumbs or to actually pursue a genuine conversation, but now feels more retracted. So confusing. Please help.
hey! i just wanted to say thank you for the amazing advice! <3
Hi Afrodite.
Thank you very much. ☺
Zan
Zan,
Hi, me and my ex had many differences in our relationship. Although, I tried my best to avoid differences and change my perspectives and started looking things differently. Our relationship lasted almost 4 months (it was his first long relationship out of all of his past.) I tried to be all rounder. We had multiple breakups which were mostly regarding miscommunication fights, and misunderstandings before we had an actual break up which was 71 days ago. The mistakes I have committed from this list are #1, #2, #3, #4, wanted to do #5, a little bit of #6, #7, #8, #11, a little bit of #13 and 14, #15. I regret doing all these now. He is in a rebound relationship right now with a person who used to be my friend. (she basically back fired to me and told him things which she was not supposed to share to him at all and what i was thinking about him on his back and they ended up started dating and it has been 23 days since they have started dating). I totally think that I have destroyed my chances completely. Right?
Hi Jasmin.
I think it’s best for you to let him go.
The fact that your relationship lasted as long as a rebound does, shows that it wasn’t meant to be.
We don’t know how much your mistakes have affected him, but I strongly suggest that you don’t count on him forgiving you.
Best regards,
Zan
San,
My ex broke up with after six years. One week we’re at a family function and the next week we’re broken up. This happened mostly because of me, I entered a downward spiral a couple years ago with out realizing and started abusing alcohol. She had told me she was unhappy and she couldn’t keep doing this, but that was only during arguments, she had started withdrawing, and she kept asking for a date night. I showed contempt and believed I was right and because she never dated anyone before me, I was wrong. I got drunk one night and told if she was so unhappy to leave and she did, it’s like she was looking for a way out and I gave it to her. Next day I pleaded but that was it for her. She went to stay with her sister – who didn’t think we should be together and she started confiding in a girlfriend who was a therapist. So I had to contend with that. Because I had been drinking I lost control of impulse control and would go from it’s ok to I’m deleting your contact, then I was pleading, getting mad, and so forth simply because she portrayed it as being over. She seemed so cold. Finally after 5 weeks I called her after I had been drinking and told her she needs to get her stuff or I’m packing it up and putting it in our storage unit. I told her 5 weeks with everything still in the house was too much for me and it wasn’t fair. She was upset and brought her entire family the next day to get her stuff, but she had a place for a week by then – a fact I didn’t know. I then instituted no contact and was doing well until I found out she had taken a bag of mine, I should’ve left alone. I contacted her and when I did I begged, I told her I’d get counseling and quit drinking, that she was right and I’d take better care of myself, and that I wanted to work on it. She accepted everything but still no emotion and acted like it didn’t matter. Later that night I turned to the bottle again and I called her and I don’t remember what I said. The next day she wouldn’t answer her phone no matter – how much I called. I texted her to apologize and she accepted my apology but told me “I hate to be blunt but for your own sake and mine – we need to go no contact”. I felt horrible after that because she had been so cordial but took no responsibility for her actions in the contributing to the break up. It takes two to tango. Before my drinking I treated her great and during I was just moody and she hated that. Although I still feel horrible for whatever mean things I said, the next day I didn’t feel like having a drink and that was two weeks ago – not an urge or temptation. I feel like I hit rock bottom. So I started seeing a therapist, stopped drinking, been working out for the past two weeks, and I’ve been getting 7 hours of sleep a night. I know after two weeks it’s too early to contact her, so I figured after two months I could ask to meet and should her the difference. But from reading this post I guess that’s a mistake and I should move forward. I guess I’m confused because I said if I didn’t maker her happy she should leave, then she said she was confused (I believe from outside influences), then I tell her no contact, then I contact her and she plays it cool like it doesn’t matter (even though she’s hard as a rock she’s really sensitive and doesn’t want to show it), then I go for the jugular, and now I’ve received the notification of no contact. I’m guessing I’ll never hear from her again and I should leave it alone. Do you think I can ever get her back? She’s an introvert and has always had a hard time admitting mistakes – stubborn. I have to remember the bad times, only thing is I realized the mistakes I made and want to work on them. What do you think?
Not sure what’s happened in the past 3 months since you wrote this, but I would say you need to leave this alone and focus solely on yourself. From my perspective, your drive to change was losing her, and it needs to be more than that. It shouldn’t be about her at all. It’s great you stopped drinking, saw a therapist etc but just a few months of change isn’t a long enough pattern to make it permanent. Your entire life needs to change and sometimes that means friends, surroundings, what you do with your spare time, etc.
I think you have a lot going on and there’s a reason you have turned to alcohol in your life. Keep subjecting yourself to therapy and find out this reason so you can heal and be who you really want to be.
I was once married to an abusive, cheating addict. When people tell me it takes two to tango to contribute to the demise of a relationship… grrrr. I may be human and have flaws but I had put so much effort into who I am and being a good wife, my biggest fault was staying with him for too long. So obviously I don’t know her full role in your breakup, however, though it takes two to make a relationship work (tango), just one can tear it apart (stop tangoing). it only takes one partner to refuse to tango to stop the dance.
Anyhow, I suggest welcoming the no-contact. Your downward spiral has the power to ruin your life, not just your relationship. You need to be in a great place first before you even think about her. And also, she needs to heal and move on, so if you care for her you should give her space to do that. Once someone moves on, they start at a clean slate and have a better chance of being in a successful relationship. In other words, your relationship will have no chance of successful resurrection if you both don’t heal and move on. And when you get to that point, though it doesn’t feel that way right now, you will be able to accept it much more easily and gracefully if you both don’t reconcile.
My ex has blocked me on Snapchat, Twitter and he is ignoring my text messages and calls. But I wanna get back together with him and be a better version of myself so what can I do to make him unblock me and want me more .
Hi Toni.
You can’t do anything that will suddenly make him want to speak to you. Just leave him alone and let him process the breakup and perhaps he will want to talk to you eventually.
Best,
Zan
I unfriended my ex on several social media sites a week after the breakup in a fit of anger, but didn’t message him. I haven’t messaged him for nearly a month and a half. I’ve read differing opinions on whether this was a good or bad move, and I have no idea. I know doing it out of anger was wrong but do you think unfriending him hurt my chances of getting him back?
Hi Lori,
No, it was a good decision. But you need to initiate a contact at some point, ONLY if you are ready to face your fears, and you are already an improved version of yourself.
So what if we’ve done any of these mistakes? Are we screwed forever?
Hey, Zan
My ex broke up with me a month ago. We were dating for 6 months. First 3months were perfect, he was very sweet, he chased me for a very long time, and I can say he was very interested in me. After 3 months, he went in other city for work, to live, that is 4hours ride away. He is older 7years than me. I asked him how will this work and cried, and he said that I don’t have to worry, that I can come for week or longer, or he will. I tried to go as much often as I can, since he is working (it is his first job). I went there after 1month of separation, and he really put effort, we went to museum, shopping. But the next day he asked when I will go home (he didn’t asked me to stay longer,why?) And said that his brother will come and that he haven’t said him about us. That hurt me, and that’s when our fights start. He said that he doesn’t see this so serious . But everything was great to that moment. But we continued. After a month he said: i don’t know how I feel, i see you as a friend, and i am a jerk, I am scared of deeper connection with someone. I said, Take a day to think and then call me. He did and said that wants to be with me. 2 months after, we again had a fight (he said i am too clingy/ but why because I wanted to talk to him more than 15mins a day??) and he broke up, saying he doesnt care anymore, that he can’t feel like I do (that much), he cant feel love. I cried a lot, we talked a lot, but i said okay. He called me after 2 days and said: you are right, we have to see each other more often, fight made me do itz I still care. And we got back 2gether, again. After month he broke up again, over a phone, saying he doesnt care for sure. And the reason was: tha day before he had a day off, and we spoke at 2pm, I called him at 10pm and that pissed him off! Like: why we spoke today, why you are calling me. And thats not the first time, so I snap, and said dont talk to me like that, this is the last time, if you cant respect me, leave me. And he did, day after he called me and broke up.
Two days after I went to that city and called him to talk and he took me back home, he said that he doesnt want anything, that the last time (month before) he reconciled out of compassion! That broke me, i thought it was okay, he said he cares, he act like it, i believed! So I went home, yes I sent him messages after that, but he said he doesnt want to reconcile, and after 5 days I said Okay. And thats it. Did I messed up? He said that he wont miss me at all. But I wasnt that bad, i didnt do anything wrong… His bday is in 2 months, what should I do?
Also, i went there 4 times, he 1 time to me. And many times that I wanted to come he said, we saw eachother 2 weeks ago, whats the metter. I put so much effort in this, but that pushed him away…