My Ex Called Me To See How I Was Doing

When an ex calls you to see how you’re doing, you mustn’t get your hopes up and think that your ex wants to be with you. A little bit of curiosity doesn’t mean that your ex regrets dumping you and wants you back. All it means is that your ex has been thinking about you and that your ex feels bad for what you’re going through.

In other words, your ex is happy with the outcome but doesn’t like the steps he or she had to take to get to it. Your ex wishes he or she didn’t have to act on emotions and push you away in the manner that he/she did. If your ex could change the past, your ex would much rather treat you as an equal and support you better after the breakup.

That’s what your ex would have done if he/she could go back in time. But unfortunately, your ex can’t change the past and be the person he or she should have been. All your ex can do now is check up on you to see how you’re doing and offer support if you still need it.

If it’s been weeks since you’ve heard from your ex, there’s a reason it took your ex so long to check up on you. And that reason is that your ex needed to get some emotional and physical distance before he or she was able to deal with inner demons and realize that you didn’t deserve to suffer the way you did.

Your ex first needed to know you don’t have any expectations of him/her anymore and that it was safe for him or her to call you and see how you’re doing.

By taking some time to himself/herself, your ex was able to cool off emotionally and think more rationally. Your ex basically regained control over some unwanted emotions, which is why your ex showed interest in calling you and asked you some “how are you” questions.

Before we continue, you need to understand that your ex didn’t reach out to reconcile or to see if it was possible to reconcile. Dumpers don’t reach out with the intention to study the chances of getting back together.

Their intentions usually have nothing to do with the dumpee. They tend to be about them obtaining forgiveness, peace, and the chance to start fresh. They want to know that their ex is okay so they can safely move on and date someone new with a clean conscience.

The interesting thing about this is that most dumpers don’t try to lighten their load directly by showing an interest in their ex’s health and well-being by asking questions. Most of them (especially those who don’t feel overwhelmed with guilt) assuage their guilty conscience simply by talking to their ex and learning what their ex has been up to.

By talking to their ex, they learn how their ex spends his or her time and discern how their ex feels about them. And this is enough because if they know their ex is moving on, they don’t feel responsible for their actions. They feel that they can forgive themselves for the things they’ve done and that everyone can be happy and move forward peacefully.

Dumpers who feel bad about breaking their ex’s heart say all sorts of things. Sometimes they tell their ex they’re sorry, sometimes they cry, sometimes they say it’s just a break (use breakup excuses), and sometimes they encourage their ex to find someone who will love him or her unconditionally.

As a dumpee, you have to understand that your ex called you to see how you’re doing for two reasons:

1. To make you feel better.
2. And to directly or indirectly get your permission that it’s morally okay to move on (and date someone else).

This post is for everyone whose ex called them to obtain information about their happiness and well-being.

My ex called me to see how I was doing

If your ex called you to see how you were doing and nothing else, your ex was curious about you. Your ex wanted to see you’ve been handling the breakup well because if you were, your ex wouldn’t have to spend a lot of time and energy worrying about you and making you feel better.

Your ex could just focus on himself or herself and keep moving on.

If you already got through the denial stage of the breakup, none of this matters. You already have the strength to stay away from your ex and don’t need your ex’s help anymore. You need the opposite of that because your ex can only reopen your wounds, make you analyze the breakup, and cause you pain and anxiety.

Your ex’s presence alone gives you a ton of false hope, delays your healing, and stops you from working on areas of your life that need work. This means that there really are no benefits to speaking to your ex about your well-being. Not unless you’re extremely heartbroken and your ex is willing to listen to you, sympathize with you, and provide you with some answers (closure).

So if your ex called you to see how you’re doing, don’t immediately assume that your ex cares about you romantically. Your ex most likely cares about you only as a friend or a person who knows he or she is responsible for any pain and anxiety that he or she has caused you.

You need to keep in mind that dumpers who check up on their dumpee may want the best for the dumpee, but they don’t necessarily know what the best for him or her is. They don’t know that their ex needs space and time to heal and that checking up on the dumpee tends to make the dumpee more obsessed with the dumper.

It makes the dumpee analyze everything the dumper says and gives him or her hope for reconciliation.

This is why you must do what’s best for you (not your ex). Your ex may have some guilt to overcome, but that’s nothing compared to the pain and suffering your ex is putting you through. For that reason, you have to know how to respond to breadcrumbs from an ex so that you don’t suffer more than you already have.

We talk about breadcrumbs after the breakup when your ex gives you a tiny bit of attention (and often care) in exchange for information, reassurance, forgiveness, and peace of mind. Try to think of breadcrumbs as unimportant requests for attention and deal with them in ways that help you heal and feel better.

Here are 5 reasons why your ex called you to ask you how you were.

How do you respond when an ex asks how you’re doing?

Some people think they must make their ex feel guilty for breaking up with them, but unfortunately, guilt doesn’t make an ex start to miss you and love you. On the contrary, it makes the dumper lose remaining respect and interest as it forces him or her to deal with a situation that he or she isn’t emotionally ready to deal with.

So does that mean you must put a big smile on your face and pretend you’re happier than ever before?

Not exactly.

You needn’t guilt-trip your ex nor pretend you’re on top of the world. All you must do is control your anxiety and say you’ve been focusing on yourself and that you’ve been very busy. This will let your ex know that you’ve been taking care of yourself and make your ex respect you more.

So how do you respond when an ex asks how you’re doing?

Just say that you’re doing well and mention some of the things that have been keeping you busy.

Your ex wants to know that you haven’t been pining over him/her and that as badly as your ex treated you that you managed to recover and found your peace and stability.

The reason why you need to respond this way is that a negative response won’t impress your ex. It will just tell your ex that you’re incapable of overcoming the past and that breaking up with you was the right thing to do.

So do your best not to make your ex feel guilty, jealous, angry, or sorry for you. Exes seldom come back for those reasons.

If they come back because of them, they often leave again because they don’t learn their ex’s worth and fall back in love with them. They just come back for themselves – to deal with unwanted emotions and leave once they’ve dealt with them.

The best way to respond to your ex’s “how are you,” therefore, is to say you’re busy with certain things and people. You don’t need to brag (and shouldn’t), but you should make it obvious that you’re moving forward with your life and taking care of things that matter to you.

If your ex sees that your goals don’t revolve around him/her, you will take pressure off your ex’s shoulders and allow him or her to move forward without guilt.

But if your ex sees that you aren’t happy and that you blame him or her for your misery, your ex will likely defend himself or herself and associate even more pain and discontent with you.

This won’t just destroy any guilt your ex still feels for you, but also make him or her lose respect for you.

You need to make sure not to overwhelm your ex. Forcing your ex to face breakup emotions won’t help you get your ex back nor make you feel any better.

It will make the whole thing much more difficult. Especially if you try to reason with your ex and beg him or her to come back. That will probably smother your ex and prevent your ex from wanting to be close to you for a very long time.

Things to say to your ex when your ex asks how you are

If you need help crafting a response to a “how are you,” feel free to use any of the responses below. Just make sure to edit them a little bit so they sound natural to you.

How are you?

1. I’m good. My boss gave me a raise, so I’ve been quite busy with work, learning lots of new things and meeting new people. I hope you’ve been well too. (This reply proves you’ve been focusing on your ambitions and moving on and that your ex isn’t your main priority anymore).
2. I’m out with friends. Shoot me a message and I’ll get back to you later. (Shows you’re not dying to talk to your ex and that you’ll respond when it’s convenient for you – not your ex).
3. Not too bad. What’s up? (Sometimes keeping things short and neutral is very good. That’s because you don’t ask questions back. You get straight to the point and demand an explanation for your ex’s reach out. If your ex doesn’t ask to get back together, you can simply proceed to the next point).
4. Hey, I’ve been doing some reflecting and I think it’s best we don’t speak anymore. I’ll call you or message you if I change my mind, take care. (This response shows that you’re not going to settle for friendship with your ex and that you don’t want to talk to your ex unless you can benefit from your ex romantically. If your ex wants to be your friend soon after the breakup, he or she is the only one who will profit from the friendship. So don’t be afraid of ceasing contact with your ex. It’s the best thing you can do for yourself).

You might think that telling your ex you’re heartbroken beyond belief is the right thing to do, but trust me that it’s not. Your ex won’t respect you and desire you if you’re completely honest about being miserable.

He or she will just feel more guilt and pity—and that’s not good. Such emotions repulse your ex rather than bring him or her closer to you.

So don’t let your ex think you need professional help. It’s okay if you do, but instead of telling your ex you’re devastated, take care of yourself emotionally and show that you’ve got what it takes to overcome the breakup and be happy even if it’s not with him or her.

Is it possible that my ex is too shy to get back together?

There’s a small chance that your ex is too embarrassed to ask to get back together, but that doesn’t mean that your ex needs a push. Your ex needs something else. Something that might seem counter-intuitive.

More space.

Space could make your ex realize that you’re not going to beg for his or her attention and that you wish to focus on yourself.

I heard a few dumpers say that they would have gotten back with their ex if their ex asked for them back, but I’m willing to bet that those relationships wouldn’t last. The dumper wouldn’t stay with the dumpee because he or she wouldn’t find the incentive (the desire) to be with the dumpee.

The relationship would shortly break because nothing significant would change. A reconciliation needs two committed people to steer the relationship in a completely different direction. When someone is unsure and doesn’t care about whether the relationship gets another chance or not, it’s better to let the broken relationship rest.

There’s no need to give the dumpee false hope and torture him or her again just to break up with the dumpee when he or she fails to subdue your guarded emotions and reach your expectations.

So is it possible that your ex is too embarrassed or scared to get back together?

Embarrassed, maybe, but only temporarily. Scared, probably not because an ex who’s afraid of you has respect for you and wants to be with you to obtain your love and recognition. It’s normal for dumpers who want their ex back to be scared. Fear is good.

It proves that they’re afraid of rejection and losing what they have/had.

All you need to do is wait for your ex to muster up the courage and ask a bit more than just how you are. Your ex needs to take the initiative because he or she had no problem taking the initiative when he or she broke up with you. Don’t make things easy for your ex now.

Your ex needs to put in the work or you’ll never get your power back and inspire your ex to grow within.

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