If you’re looking for how to get over a breakup, you’ve come to the right place. I’ve found the most useful tips and compiled them together. Use these proven methods to get past a heartbreak.
This can work either if you want nothing to do with your ex or if you still want them back.
Breakups can be brutally hard for both the dumpee and the dumper. The longer the relationship lasted, the more attached the couple became to each other.
Those coming from a long-term relationship need quite some time to heal properly. A month is a decent amount of time to start thinking clearly again and put your life back in order.
Another two months after that and you should be fully functioning again and start doing the things you love.
Here are the tips you should begin implementing immediately to get over a breakup.
Socializing
Start seeing friends and family more often as they will definitely keep you grounded. Chances are, you’ve been neglecting them by spending most of your time with your ex.
Their empathy towards your unique situation can help you tremendously. Simply talking to them about the break up can help you feel a lot better, even if only for a short time.
Make sure you don’t just rant to them about all the things your ex said and did, instead listen to them as well. Remember that a conversation is about all the people involved, not just you.
Go out with your friends and try to relax. Do fun activities together, such as playing pool, board games, dancing, video games, etc.
Try to stay positive to not bring them down. It’s okay if you aren’t your best self, but show them you are at least trying to cope with the post break up blues.
Get to know some new people, talk to strangers, tourists, help feed the homeless, join a charity and volunteer. The possibilities are endless.
Pursue your career
This is the time you pick up that extra assignment, do the pile of paperwork you’ve been neglecting or change your job. If working from home is something you wish to do, learn a desired skill and start earning money from the comfort of your home.
Whatever the case, you should get yourself engrossed with your job as it is one of the best ways to get your mind off your ex.
Preoccupy and overload yourself with tasks you were previously “too busy” to do. Ask your boss if there’s anything else you can help with. You never know, you might even get a promotion. It’s a win-win situation.
Go to the gym
If you’ve been neglecting your body over the years, now is the time to lay off the coke and chips. Sign up for free classes at your local gym and drop down a few pounds.
You will be amazed at how great it feels. Endorphins, released throughout your body after a decent workout of at least 30 minutes will power you up.
Physical activity will keep depression at bay and give you tremendous strength to do your daily things.
Don’t just lie around eating ice cream. Engage in sports, jogging, dancing, anything to get your heart racing. Join exercising forums, such as bodybuilding and get encouraged by others.
They have success stories to share, and you can have one of your own as well.
Indulge in abandoned and new hobbies
Start doing the activities you used to love before you got into the relationship. Whether it’s cycling, bowling, skating or collecting stamps, it’s time to regain your old, forgotten identity back.
Become interesting and look up new activities to do in your area. Sign up for Meetup or Groupon and get to know some new fun people through common or new interests.
It doesn’t matter whether you’re an introvert or a shy person, nobody will judge you.
Spirituality
Meditation and yoga are scientifically proven relaxation methods that work wonders when used diligently.
They say one should meditate at least 20 minutes a day by focusing on the breathing. You can help yourself learn by listening to guided meditation videos online.
Some of the things meditating can help you with are sleeping, anxiety, stress and emotional well-being. One of the best ways I utilize meditation is to:
- sit on a chair, floor or anywhere comfortable (lotus position or freely)
- breathe in through your nose slowly for the duration of eight seconds
- hold your breath for 5 seconds
- exhale for the duration of 7 seconds
- key is to focus on the breathing. Feel the air flowing in and out of your lungs
- calm your mind by staying focused only on meditation
The hardest part of meditation is to stay concentrated on breathing alone. It gets easier over time as you practice, so don’t give up before you start seeing long-lasting results.
Don’t think about the breakup
Stop the obsession of constant thinking about your ex-partner. Remove reminders, such as pictures, gifts, notes, and anything that brings back memories.
It’s perfectly normal to see your ex’s face everywhere you go for a while after a breakup. It means your attachment was of anxious nature and you need more time to rebuild confidence and start moving forward in life again.
Stop social media stalking
One of the best ways to get over your ex is to detach yourself from him or her online. Stalking your ex post on Facebook or Twitter will do you no good.
In fact, seeing them with another person is only going to set you back numerous steps. Unfollow or delete them, depending on your ability to resist the temptation to look at their status and get hurt as a result. As the saying goes, out of sight, out of mind.
Stay away
Stay away from your ex physically as far as possible. Seeing them could send your heart racing 100 miles an hour.
You can avoid regressing by doing the things you alone enjoy doing. If you know your ex is going to the same party as you, cancel the plans and hang out at a local pub instead.
If you physically connect, it could bring back the memories and nostalgia of the relationship. In case you do end up seeing your ex, you should avoid the pain, simply by walking away.
Don’t listen to sad/romantic songs
Nothing will depress you more than songs you two used to enjoy together. Every time an in common song comes on the radio, you will be reminded of your ex. Avoid additional suffering by skipping and avoiding those songs when possible.
When you are at home, prevent yourself from listening to any sad songs in general. Sad, depressing songs will do you more harm than good. Instead of listening to Ed Sheeran, crank the volume up on something with a beat. I personally enjoy listening to rock workout music because it lifts my spirits.
Start dating
That’s right. Start dating as soon as you can. It’s one of the best ways to forget about your past relationship.
A tiny bit of warning first. Make sure your heart has healed somewhat to prevent rebounding. You don’t want to start seeing another person, just to lean on him for emotional support.
If you are still in the grieving stages of the breakup, let that person know you wish to take things super slowly to allow the time to heal your wounds.
Improve yourself
Work on yourself to become the best version of yourself. Put a lot of effort into expanding your comfort zone to start living your life again. Break the old habits, by replacing them with new ones.
Completely change your routines from the moment you wake up until the time you go to bed. Sooner or later you will start enjoying your new life without your ex in it. You might even prefer it to your old one.
Start Writing in diary
Writing can be a very therapeutic way to get your thoughts out, without pestering your friends. Whenever there’s something on your mind write down the answers to the following questions:
- What exactly is the issue and why? (go in detail)
- What can you do about it and why you shouldn’t worry
- How can you solve the problem? (write results after)
Next time the same problem occurs, re-read your notes and remind yourself how you got past that problem. 90% of all worrying is meaningless.
When you are panicking or stressed out again, remember one of my favorite quotes from Anthony Robbins: “Nothing in life has any meaning, except the meaning we give it.”
To put it in my own words; the more significance we put on a problem, the more we end up worrying.
Get a pet
It’s scientifically proven that those with a pet, live a life with less stress. Animals, such as cats and dogs for example, extremely reduce stress levels. Their unconditional love cheers us up every time. Petting them releases endorphins in our bodies, making us feel good. So next time you are feeling down, hug a fluffy cat and show it all the love in the world.
Positive affirmations
When you find yourself struggling after a breakup, tell yourself confidently out loud “I can do this, It’s gonna be alright, I’m smart, great, pretty, handsome, kind…” Whatever is bothering you about yourself at the moment. By doing this, you are rewiring your brain which affects how you feel.
The key is to really mean it and do it many times a day for at last 21 days. Positive affirmations will change your mood and give you the energy you need to function. Here’s how you do affirmations properly:
- always talk in the present tense (I am confident, I am getting more and more confident every day). don’t say “I will get over this.” It doesn’t state the time and holds no power.
- do it multiple times a day, preferably when you wake up and before you go to sleep. The brain is more receptive at those times.
- genuinely believe it works and feel it working.
- keep it up for the affirmations to become a habit (min. 21 days).
- you can also write them down, listen to them, watch them on the screen, speak them out loud, or think about them. Do whatever works best for you.
Get super busy
Stay so busy, you will literally not have a second to spare. Read books, write books, watch YouTube, movies, offer help to those who could use it, cook, clean, organize… you get the point.
The human mind cannot do multiple things at the time, as long as it’s engrossed with a task at hand.
Make use of this by doing mind-challenging activities, such as conversing, Sudoku, hobbies that require concentration, exercising. You will be surprised how long you are able to go without thinking about your ex.
No wasting time at home
This is predominantly a guys’ thing as we bottle our feelings up and lie around feeling sorry for ourselves. Instead, be productive and get out of your house, even if it’s just for a 15-minute walk. When you come back, you will have felt much better, just for shaking up your activity levels.
Your ex expects you to wallow in pity, so become unpredictable and do the opposite. Scan your area for places you haven’t been to and experience new fun adventures.
Staying at home will leave you with too much time on your hands and cause nostalgia to come to the surface. Avoid feeling sad and really push yourself. Go shopping, hiking, walk the dog, take up tennis or anything you are interested in.
Turn your life around
Use the break up as a motivator to push yourself out of your comfort zone and turn your life around. Since the world has come crashing down on you and it seems like the end, this is actually a great opportunity for you to put things back in order.
Now that everything is broken up in your life, you can strategically put the old and the new life together. What I mean by that is that the break up can serve as a restart of your personal life. You get to decide when, where and what you want to do in life.
For instance: You aren’t happy with the unhealthy food you consume. This is a great opportunity for you to finally do something about it.
How about changing hobbies, people, places you visit? Can you think of a better motivator than the break up to have the desire to change those things?
A break up is a surge of powerful emotions that can give you the motivation and the determination to make a change in your life.
Take the negative experience and turn it to your advantage. Show the world that the separation didn’t break you, but that it made you.
How to get over a breakup? What do you think works best? Did I leave something out? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
Hi Zan
Thanks – I agree about unhealthy attachments I think tho it is natural dumpees feel confused and rejected and most often they want the opportunity to make things right (which comes across as us dumpees holding on to our dumper partners).
I think we genuinely love them and after our initial phases we do like most humans beings accept and move on – but I get what you are saying to extent we become overly focused and worried about what they thinking and wallowing to such an extent and pining over someone means we have in our relationships somehow become lost and now need to find how to become happy internally wout it being dependent on anyone or anything. Because in life things and ppl come and go or even (die).
Your final paragraph I cannot explain how much you hit the nail on the head. Im attracted to his determination to fix things but yes hurt also by the decision coz exactly so – he gave up while I was still ready to fight – why didn’t he have the determination to fix things and be willing to fight?
Yes I was unhappy too but at least I saw the good in him to want to fight – to see the context in which ‘he behaved hurtful with me’ but for me in my actions of hurting him he didn’t see the context he just saw it as ‘who I really am’. I wanted to use the insights we both have on each other from having lived together for so long to help one another (using a professional – therapist and or books / tools) to heal and become better and actually just reap on the wisdom we each had to offer one another but he couldn’t even see that as my view / perspective as to why I wanted to fight to fix things. He just saw me wanting to fight to fix things (to get my way) or as you say to use them to get what we want. Which ofCrs wasn’t the case.
He kept on saying back then ‘I’ll never get it’ – and ‘oh we don’t relate’ like I was some dumb person and oooh he couldn’t explain it to me (the reasons for him leaving) coz what he had to say was some higher grade stuff I wouldn’t get – it was so insulting and infuriating. In the end it was simply left to the usual ‘emotions’ and ‘I don’t love you like that as a romantic partner’ and ‘you have hurt me and I can’t trust you to come to you as a partner nor be vulnerable with you’. I kept saying let’s wipe the slate clean forget about me and try to talk to me and you’ll see I’m hear listening to you but he couldn’t and wouldn’t back then and then moved out.
But in essence yes he felt personality clashes and that we trigger our reactive states in one another. You right those must first be resolved which I accept I’ve done work on myself to try and become better and change the bad characteristics traits.
What do you mean even if I’ve worked on myself and became this amazing changed person he did want instead – that he would need to also be ready to even see it (or me)? Do you mean he would also have needed to change his flaws?
Or do you mean he needs to simply accept that currently he is flawed in his vision in only wanting to see his own perspective about things as opposed to what my experience of him was also? Is this what you mean? Coz as you said before he thinks it’s all my fault and he was the saint in our marriage.
Hi Zan
Thanks so much for your comments on the other article – would very much appreciate a response to my question above ito where you state ‘even if I did change, he needs to be ready to see it’? Thanks 🙂
Hey Ruby.
Not sure if you got my reply, so I’m posting it again, and deleting the previous one.
Your ex needs to acknowledge his bad behaviour and wish to change it in order for your relationship to work as it should. If he doesn’t correct his flaws, the weight of the new relationship would be completely on you. You’d be fixing the issues for the both of you, and end up miserable. I talk about this here: https://magnetofsuccess.com/ex-wants-me-back/
Hi Zan
You right we all just seeking our own acceptance and respect from each other’s friends hence I say this is such a waste – a separation whereby both people who may have worked on healing together could have find happiness and avoid all this strange new (let’s make new friends) – he has sought acceptance from this new group of fellow single and divorced club.
Yes while it eats at me – I can’t worry about that now or what they think – I can be angry he waited too late for therapy than being responsible enough to start years before when his love was still there but you right it’s ‘could haves’ and now he’s only driven by his emotions which again I have no clue how he could turn over so fast from being caring to this ‘i can’t stand to be with you I actually realized how deeply unhappy I’ve been with you while I was playing house with you but secretly harboring these feelings all these years’.
I can be angry now but it won’t change the past so it’s pointless and a waste of my energy 😔. Yet it will hurt when I feel he’s just completely living a life not being bothered at all by the family he’s discarded so he’s ok to go have his single life while I’m here with our kids trying to give them a family life.
Don’t get me wrong he has his turns with them but still they are more with me naturally. I still cringe when he calls for some odd plan for school runs on a sat evening when I have them and he’s all like ‘have a good eve’ and ‘I say thanks you too’ when I’m hurt instead of being with us he’s using his ‘spare free single life evening out with this friends’.
I know you told me to focus on me and kids and so that’s wot I’m trying to do forgetting about him and enjoying my life as is with my kids. And if he feels happier living his single life good luck to him – it’s his loss.
Ito of unhealthy attachment aren’t we always attached to our romantic partners – isn’t that good? Or are you saying it’s unhealthy because when someone says they done (him and me) I can’t let go and just carry on my life wout wondering about him all the time? I guess I need to go read your ‘can you love too much in a relationship now’.
I guess no person wants to feel the weight and responsibility of being the reason for that persons happiness – a partner is attracted to another knowing they can be happy on their own wout the need for them to make them happy. I guess he feels that about me when I never asked him or allocated that responsibility to him but he took ‘it on’ due to his own childhood issues and projecting their needs for his perfection from his parents on to me when I didn’t want a perfect husband.
So he felt like he lived an oppressed life and needs to break free – you right I need to convince him I never needed him but wanted him in my life to enrich my happiness not for it. But by being governed by vows I fought for it and it just made him feel like I didn’t get it ‘was too late for him’ and I couldn’t understand why – it means I did the typical initial break up mistakes.
My point of me being happy and him finding happiness on our own was to say he will never know wot it’s like being happy together coz we never really explored it with the tools we should have learned years ago – so he will find happiness and only compare it to ‘a negative imprisoned life with me’. But that’s ok also I guess I have to accept that 😔.
Hi Ruby.
Thanks for the comment.
Attachments are okay and healthy in general. It’s what contributes to people staying monogamous. It’s unhealthy, codependent attachments that worry me the most. When you hold on to your romantic partner, thinking he is the key factor and the source of your existence, things become painful. Not only is it wrong for you to feel that way, but also your ex. He doesn’t deserve to be the center of your attention – not before, not now. Especially not now, when he doesn’t want to be a part of your life.
It’s alright if you’ve done some initial begging. I don’t know what your relationship with him had been like prior to the break-up. He will compare his “befores and afters” when he no longer feels oppressed. What matters now is that you act strong and determined to recover fully, and move on from the past.
Just because he initiated the break-up, doesn’t mean he is flawless. Chances are, you were pretty unhappy too at times. The person who walks away from a difficult situation is always considered a strong person. You are attracted to his determination, as well as hurt by his decision. Think about it this way. He gave up when you were still ready to fight. Something wasn’t working for both of you, so he decided to call it quits. Whether it was a personality clash or some other differences, those must first be resolved before the two of you will be happy again. Even if you’ve changed your bad personality traits, and adjusted your demeanour to be more to his liking, he still has to be ready to even want to consider your changes.
Zan
Zan
You right it hurts to even see him just move on easily and go out with new friends and I don’t have an issue with that – while together he’d always have friends and we’d both allow each other our ‘alone and me time’ via hobbies or our own girls or guys night out with our own friends : I guess it’s the fact that he’s finding more happiness from that solely as opposed to even wondering what the ‘possibilities with us were’ and hurt or him having forgotten this dreams and promises we shared with each other especially post kids and happiness we’d find as a family.
Also I feel like when he’s with his friends just like naturally when I’m talking with mine or with you – they are going to be telling him same ‘like she was this horrible witch to you who didn’t appreciate and didn’t deserve you so best you leave her’ – those thoughts plague my mind and I know I have to let go of them.
In terms of how he is now – I guess I have to accept he doesn’t act like this with everyone – he’s only like this with me his funny cold self coz of the history and wot he’s doing ie leaving me so his difficulties therein – you right he has emotions he has to process but all this guilt emotions he’s facing was all unnecessary as a result of him breaking him up when he could have stuck around with me and seen if we could have healed our relationship upsets together with a trained therapist 😔
Doesn’t more space and time lead to more detachment and love becoming even more sparse ? Because with more distance and space the more you get used to being wout that person?
Also if each of us will naturally move on and find how to be happy without one another how does it make him not think ‘gees I’m happy and she’s happy – good thing I left her – clearly it was the right decision I did for her?’ – I don’t want to show him I’m sooo happy to extent he thinks his decision to separate from me and his family was the right one which I fear he will 😔. I know this reasoning doesn’t make sense but I know him – this is how he will think coz he’s so ‘self sacrificing’ – he’s like I love her enough based on our history but to know I can’t love her romantically means I must set her free so she can go find a man who can love her the way she deserves it coz I cant – he’s told me this 😔
If he felt ‘miserable together’ if he felt happier post him leaving – why would he ever consider me and him together ever again? I put it in inverted commas because that’s how he feels he would be if he stayed with me ‘now in the present’ – I think we just like any couple weren’t at our peak and just needed the right relationship tools to work with one another such as being able to know our love languages, communicate effectively, know how to resolve conflict or how to also identify our triggers and core needs and fears with help of a professional so that we could repair and reconnect.
However (as I mentioned before) he didn’t want to consider doing that work with me with a trained therapist – I guess I was worried that if we both move on and be happy wout each other he will never be motivated to ever do that ‘work with me’ coz he wouldn’t have anything better to compare to other than ‘his life with me which was sad’ to his current life wout me which ‘is happier’ (assuming we both doing this we must separate, detach and we must go find our happiness on our own) but he has no comparison to ‘the life with me after working with me / repair and reconnect’ to see how happy that could have been?
It’s funny that both of us need to go find happiness (on our own) when countless blessings and bounty of happiness as a family was right here in front of us (coz I knew I was willing to work at it while he wasn’t) for the taking 😔
Hi Ruby.
Sooner than later you will realize that only what you think about yourself matters. If you consider your good points from a healthy, non-self-conceited point of view, you will discern that you are way more valuable than your ex or his friends may think. Your ex is telling his group of friends his own story from his point of view, and you are sharing yours to others. This is understandable, as you are both trying to justify each other’s demeanour. Both you and you ex are trying to feel accepted and respected for what’s happened. You have nothing to gain by speculating what they say about you as a person. Even if your ex’s friends are involved in a “hate campaign”, your ex is the one allowing it to go on. This would make him… not such a great person.
Silly speculations aside, people decide to go to therapy when they still believe they can make it work. When one has given up, there’s no way he will suddenly think to himself, “Oh yeah, let’s try therapy!” It’s too late for that, because he stopped believing in a future with you. Perhaps therapy could have fixed the relationship. Many things could have worked. There are many possibilities to exhaust before finally giving up, you think. Unfortunately, he’s driven by what he feels, not what he thinks.
You have to get used to living without that person. Your “love” will fade, and drop for him, and with it your unhealthy attachment. All of this is good, and exactly what you need. If this person never comes back, would you wait around for him forever? If you were 100% certain you would never see him again, would you still hold on to hope and love him?
I don’t know why he doesn’t want to be with you romantically. There are answers you know, and issues you can work on yourself without him. If he knew you fixed some of the issues that initiated the break-up, he might perhaps reconsider his decision. Happiness is attractive, desperation is not. Do you think he will want you back if he sees you still want him like crazy. Reconciliations are unfortunately a bit more counter-intuitive. People want what they can’t have, and also seeing you happy and crushing your goals would make him feel insignificant, as if he were holding you back. Just how you’re feeling now, he can feel too. You must really turn your life around for that to happen, so use this break-up and achieve things you previously didn’t/couldn’t.
He won’t consider you again if you stay in his way. Don’t take his words literally, as he is just as much to blame for everything as you are. Maybe even more. Who knows. You have to become a happy person, and show change and a lot of personal growth for him to say, “wow, she’s doing amazing. I wonder why.” Showing change can be difficult, and so can changing one’s emotions. The best way to achieve both is through indefinite no contact. Almost all dumpers keep an eye on the dumpees, so don’t worry about him not finding out. Disappear off his radar first to get him curious about you.
That’s right. Both of you have a lot to learn and improve. Perhaps he needs to find out whether the grass is really greener on the other side. As for you, what makes you think he’s the best and most suited for you?
Zan
Hi Zan
Leaving a new comment to it doesn’t justify in on long string. I think you have been the kind generous and patient one with me so plz note how much I appreciate your swift responses:) I guess my email wasn’t to apologize as I said Iv done enough of it all of last year. But after my own journey I did want to point out where I think he can correct himself. As you say perhaps I have my own secret motive. Perhaps I think and hope that If he realized how much he has to contribute to the demise of this relationship he wouldn’t just think it was me.
But I guess you right – either he won’t want to know or believe me or think now I’m ‘suddenly picking on things I couldn’t say earlier’ or even if he was perfect and acknowledged it all it wouldn’t change his emotions / feelings about how me ie it wouldn’t magically make him want to me with me or fall in love with me. Love can only come back when he feels positive emotions towards me. And right now when he thinks of me he’s reminded of an oppressive life one he sacrificed his own self to ‘be with me’ and meet all my needs and do things my way.
Now his test of whether I love him or not comes from whether I will give him what he wants ie love him enough to let him go. And if he sees my self sacrificing nature he’ll believe Iv changed. It’s a hard one.
What do you mean when you say when I stop caring it means he will feel devalidated?
Hi Ruby.
I see how silly the comments look on the mobile version — especially when we reply to a reply 🙂
Your ex won’t take advice from a person he thinks needs more improving than him. You’re right about the negative aspect of love. That’s why he needs to feel the need talk to you, so you can showcase change and improvement, followed by re-attraction. He has to become neutral towards you, and only then you can start from the beginning. If only it was as easy as it sounded. Even though his negativity towards you will fade, he will still remember how he felt because of you. That is the ultimate challenge for you — to change the feelings he associates to you.
What I mean is that as long as he feels your love, he will never want to do anything about it. If you decide to step back, and give the care to you or someone else, he will again seek it. It would tell him, he isn’t worthy of your love, so his ego would hurt.
Basically, as long as you want him back, he will feel desired and loved as if he were in a relationship. You must disempower him.
Zan
Hi Zan
I guess the real reason I want to tell him (what his role was) is that I keep on hoping secretly if he realizes it wasn’t solely me he’ll realize it’s just skills we both need to learn to make it work, repair, heal and reconnect and ‘take me back’.
But as I said I need to accept that even if he did miraculously it won’t change how he feels about me :(. Right now he doesn’t want to talk to me at all – a combination of guilt for leaving as well as his built up resentment that when he opened up it just came rushing to the fore and complete 360 change in how this man acted before he told me he’s leaving post him telling me the truth about his feelings. Also any effort on my part he sees me as trying to get close to him when he wants me to just leave him alone (so hence I don’t make the effort anymore – I’ve vastly changed how I was last year compared to this year).
Like any breaks up mistakes I didn’t ‘accept’ coz we were married and so before one just dissolves a marriage I tried to get us to go to marriage counseling etc: as discovered in hindsight I didn’t realize how ‘far he had gone’ he should have told me sooner not to discuss this with his ‘new fellow single and divorced friends’ a year before and then shock me into accepting how he had ‘moved on’ with me being oblivious coz we had planned family and home etc.
Anyways it’s in the past can’t go back – it will fade as you point out but he won’t forget how he felt with me. And for me that is the question? He may forget it in 2yrs,5yrs,10yrs or never – he may be hard into how he holds on to grudges and he may never forget. Hence as you say I should let go of pain by letting go of him and either he realizes the grass isn’t greener or he may be happy with someone else that is more problematic than I was but we willing to still work with them coz when he looks at me he just sees ‘the baggage’.
So you right that will always be my ultimate challenge – how he feels when associating with me – right now the trade-off is worse than staying around even tho he misses his children:(
It’s funny I wonder how he thinks I am ie does he feel Iv let him go and gotten over him? Coz sumx I wonder if he will feel hurt if I get over him – I think he’ll feel more relieved that I’ve gotten over him so he doesn’t have to feel the guilt of being the one who hurt and broke my heart and being the one who cannot love someone who loves them (unrequited love) – so right now he feels that also and I know as you recommend get over him / detach. Other experts say do that then focus on reconnecting slowly so that the negative emotions he associated with you will become positive. Again I always wonder if I let him go completely I may not want to forgive him or I may treat him poorly or never want him back 🙁
Hey Ruby.
You have to understand that there’s no point in holding on to him. You are so afraid of detaching, because you are afraid of the unknown (what if you’re mean to him, what if you won’t need him back). Whats and buts don’t matter right now. Your well-being has to become a priority. The only way you will be happy is by becoming toxins-free, which is this unhealthy attachment. If you allow yourself to let go, I guarantee, you will have never felt better. You may think he’s the sole purpose of your existence, but it’s not. It all begins with you, and your own world you create. You are hurting because you invested heavily into the relationship, and are now having trouble picking up the pieces. As you are picking them up – each piece presenting its own memory, you are suffering because of the nostalgia. I want you to stomp on them and shatter them. Your ex no longer serves you in a positive light, so forget him! You are strongly infatuated with the perfect image of this person from the time your relationship functioned. Answer this for me. Would you still want to be with this person if you just met him for the first time, and he’s acting the way he is now. Something tells me your detached state would rather run for the mountains.
You have to put yourself first, and be really selfish right now. Whatever he feels right at the moment, he has to process on his own, so make this chapter of your life about you. I know it sounds hard when you are used to him around. Try to fall in love with yourself again, and express gratitude for the things that are already in your life. Exes always come around when you are the happiest, and the least expect it. It may sound like a coincidence, but it happened to me during the ten minutes when I was feeling the most ecstatic about life. It was truly my happiest moment, when it hit me like a bomb out of nowhere. If you reach that blissful moment, god knows what could happen. My bet is him, or someone many times better.
Experts are right. Unfortunately, they make it sound a lot easier than it is. Depending on what you have to prove to your ex, it might take a while to “reset” his feelings. Positivity and a joking approach is the way to do it.
Reset your happiness first, and then decide what the next best thing for you is.
Zan
Hi Zan
All this makes so much sense but I always wonder – so if both parties do this ie dumper and dumpee all just ‘move on’ and get over each other and both self develop then if they both so happy on their own – what reason would there be for the dumper to want to get back? I mean all they will think is wow she’s happy I left her and I’m so happy coz I was so miserable wout her – clearly I made the right choice to dump her.
I always felt that discovering these things together healing and figuring yourself out while together with a trained therapist is always the better way to go – but unfortunately if you been dumped no matter how much you wanted to do and work on that process together 😔it’s sad that now one must go all alone and do all these things to get over them – so much that we have detached from them – instead together more love and happiness would have been built …
I guess we can’t change the reality and we can’t force someone to work with us when they don’t want to 😔
Hi Ruby.
A break-up is never just one person’s fault. When the dumpee and the dumper decide to get over each other here’s what normally happens.
1)Dumper – looks for quick fixes. Distracts himself by running wild and treating the dumpee badly. Doing so disallows him to learn and improve.
2)Dumpee – is forced to learn from her mistakes and works on them diligently. The force behind desperation is allowing her to reach new heights.
Because of the hard work the dumpee puts into herself, she usually outgrows the dumper and becomes happier on her own/with someone else. Dumper on the other hand, makes the same mistakes he refused to learn from, and wonders why the dumpee is so happy. When he sees that dumpee is not to be blamed entirely for everything and he notices his mistakes, he reaches out with some kind of offer or request.
When two people are together, they will work through things. When they have broken up, there’s nothing to work on. You’re missing a person to go to the therapist with. You should still go by yourself though, and dig deeper into your subconscious mind to get rid some of the bad habits.
Suggesting therapy when it’s already over is pointless. He must change his mind and be willing to give the relationship another shot before signing up for therapy. I’ve personally tried this approach, and it did not work. The most I got out of it was a smirk and a snarky remark.
Working together right now isn’t an option, so do it yourself. When you complete your desired tasks on your own, it will feel so much more rewarding any way. Knowing you got out of this mess by yourself can feel both liberating and rewarding at the same time.
Zan
Thanks so much Zan again for all your wonderful responses. No worries about the delay. I’m just greatful for the answers because it’s clearing my mind and my anxiety thereof. I’m going to respond under here but talk about the stuff across all 3 areas (the justifying on your website doesn’t help coz it shifts all the comments to one side and in a long string;( )
Your analogy of the wall – you right I guess I wanted to fight for us but he couldn’t so he feels by staying he’s hurting me more so best to go. So he feels he’s punching me and I’m taking it so it’s best he leaves coz he can’t stand hurting me. And he’s got walls up and doesn’t want to let me in for fear I’ll hurt him again.
For a long time he made me believe so much of it was my fault but when you look back I also see his mistakes now.
You right begging never works but I’m sort of in a rock and a hard place now coz I do want to write a letter but not professing my love or need for him to come back. But rather I’m requiring validation from him of the wrongs he done and how much he hurt me coz I feel he hasn’t acted sorry enough. I know I can’t do this letter but I want to tho thanks for the extra motivation to stop me coz I think doing it he’ll just claim I’m reminding him of past hurts and it’s wrong of me to remind him which also I’m just actually providing insight so he knows wot he must work on. But I need to ask myself honestly why I want to do it? Is it really coz of the insights I want to give, for him to know how much he hurt me so he can say sorry and go fix himself? Or maybe it’s so he knows I wasn’t solely to blame so I don’t have to feel like I was the sole monster responsible here. Maybe both?
But I know even if I wrote it and he still excused his behavior or didn’t admit anything I can’t wait for his validation to make myself feel I was this horrible witch. I’ve owned my part over and over and even his but perhaps he will never own his. (The only part he wants to own his mistake to marry me).
To be honest he did some terrible things and while he said sorry I feel that if he really meant it he’d stop continuing doing same stuff in other words while we were together he had friends I disapproved of. He took a time out with them somewhat and I feel even post him gone to respect me even if just being the mother of his kids he’d refrain from mixing with them ever again. But ofCrs now we done he continues to mix with them. I know we hate it when we feel our ex’s have outside influencers moreso coz they turn to them as opposed to you and you feel they feeding our ex’s all the cr@p about leaving you. I know no one can convince someone to leave another person but I always felt if he hadn’t turned to them for affirmation about what he wanted to do he’d have given it a better go at our therapy. As you say it’s in the past now so I can’t go back and say wot if nor can I say if he didn’t have such friends we wouldn’t have reached the same outcome still ie him leaving.
Still I know while one doesn’t require someone to apologize for them to be remorseful for me to forgive them (coz it’s on me to forgive not on them and it doesn’t depend on what they do for me to forgive), somehow one always feels it’s much easier to forgive someone when they show they are sorry and want to make amends – amends doesn’t mean he has to take me back but amends means he stops doing wot he knows I disapproved of. I know someone may say well he took a time out from those people you asked him to stay away from, while he was with you now he doesn’t owe you anything – still one feels that even if you left someone you were with so long or even as mother of kids you would respect them enough to stop doing stuff for their sake if not just to have a cordial co-parent relationship built on mutual respect, kindness and trust.
As you say I feel Iv done the work gone to therapy on my own, spent hours reading books and working on myself, coz nothing drives us more than this as motivation, to almost prove the dumper wrong and as you predicted dumpers just do nothing. They probably working on guilt and just hanging in there to get over breaking up a relationship and simply having to find new normal.
And yes when I did suggest therapy for 6m before he left even then it was pointless coz he didn’t want to and work at it togeher so you right it will only work if he was happy to stay with me which at that point he wasn’t he just wanted to move out coz he felt so trapped and oppressed by his life of being with me.
It’s sad he found a new normal or that he felt oppressed by me – I do have to accept that this was his reality and he wants to leave coz he felt depressed and trapped – but even he’s resilient – he feels he misses the kids and a family unit but he’s strong willed and his ego is huge – he feels he can’t come back for them unless he wants me back so will rather be facing that difficulty of our separation (coz he claims it’s been hard and lonely coz not full time with kids like a normal dad) but he’s so hell bent that I’m wrong for him he will rather be alone. Tho I must say he’s fine – he’s also got friends and is carrying on and going out and doing stuff on his own.
You right I have to let go of common dreams it’s so hard on holiday times when he’s ok to just jet off and not think he should be with us either. But I try and be strong and say to myself it’s his loss he’s missing out on being with us.
I get your points of detachments but I always fear that if we just do things further apart we will just grow apart and never be bothered to look at one another again in other words I’m attached still – he’s done – so I’m sad he moved on and hence not being with me doesn’t bother him whereas I fear once I do the same I’ll feel exactly the same and cold and shallow towards him the way he is with me now. I know you say this is key tho it doesn’t make sense to me rigth now – it just makes me more fearful actually:(
Hey Ruby.
Thank you for your patience and kindness.
Writing the letter that a few break-up experts recommend is not the greatest idea. The truth is that once a person doesn’t want to hear from you, he doesn’t want to see your letter either. Experts say that the dumper will put the letter away and come back to it later. That is not going to happen, because the dumper feels like shredding the letter to a million pieces and never reading it again. He will do what he feels like in the moment, not how he is going to feel in the future. What a letter can be used for though, is to apologize for a grave mess-up, such as cheating, or punching a person for example. I wouldn’t use it to apologize for forgetting to put the toilet seat down. It’s best to send it a week after the break-up to tell your ex you are sorry, and that you are now approaching new beginnings. That’s the one and only apology the letter should contain. No questions, demands or promises. Write a letter to yourself to vent, and throw it away afterwards.
Ruby, I’m glad you are finally at the stage where you see his flaws too. Unfortunately, you are not his psychologist or his mother, therefore you are not responsible for his demeanor. It’s also not your job to point out what he should work on. He has to realize it on his own, and get to work. Even if you tell him, he won’t listen to you, and nothing will change. He’s the dumper, so he is in the “I’m amazing, she’s not mentality”. For him to come to a realization, he must either get his heart broken by somebody or hit a rough patch in some other way. People don’t act until they are absolutely forced to.
Dumpers don’t care whether you blame yourself or not. You are the “bad guy” to him. We both know that is not true. The only thing that matters is your own perception of yourself. The fact is that you are willing to work on yourself, whilst he is not. In my eyes, that makes you golden. Mr. perfect is exactly where he was prior to the break-up. He hasn’t learned a thing, and will continue going down his path. What you said about dumpers becoming stagnant is very true. Once again, don’t seek validation where you are not getting it. It’s not very healthy for your heart.
You have to detach from him for your own sake. Holding on to something that isn’t working is madness. The last thing I want, is you to get seriously ill. You staying attached and he detached is never going to work anyway. When you break free of these chains holding you back, you will feel so much better. Being in pain for so long, is going to cause your normal/detached state to feel like heaven. Also, when you don’t care, he will care much more. It’s the way it is, because he is going to feel devalidated.
Zan