Most relationships that break apart don’t normally end because both partners decide it’s time to part ways. Usually, the more fed up person pulls the plug, terminating the relationship.
The other partner then refuses to accept reality and drives their ex insane. The majority of people who were broken up with make at least a few mistakes before they look up “how to get your ex back.”
The most common mistake is the exhibition of a needy behavior right after the breakup. It doesn’t matter if it’s through texting and calling or by directly begging and pleading.
Fortunately, It’s completely understandable to want what we’re attached to. Relationships are attachments that can be as powerful as drugs. When a long- term relationship comes to an end, we experience withdrawal symptoms, such as lack of sleep, loss of appetite and energy, headaches, disorientation. Separation anxiety lasts around 7 days, depending on the type of attachment.
As a result of attachment, we go through different stages of a break up which can cause long-term consequences and in some cases even death. If one is unable to get over a break up on his own, I strongly advise him to seek professional help.
A reasonable amount of time to be able to function 100% is anywhere from 1-3 months, depending on the length and seriousness of the relationship. Were there any children involved, debt, cheating, planned future, did the break up occur out of the blue? These are just a few factors that hinder the recovery process.
Once the separation anxiety (which we have little control of) is behind us, we are the ones that decide how long the healing will take. The more we contemplate what we could have done differently and what we are going to do about it, the more we prolong the suffering.
Instead of battering yourself with guilt, try to relax by getting your mind off the breakup and go out with your friends. Talk to your family about your feelings. Do whatever it takes to get out of the melancholic mood. Self-destruction will do you no good so snap out of it and start recuperating.
Let’s first look at some statistics to gain some general knowledge:
- 45% of marriages end in divorce
- 85% of couples break up
- 50% of young adults reconcile
- 40% of couples reconcile
- 70% of women initiate the breakup
How to get your ex back – the complete guide
This is a chronological guide on how to get your ex back. Be aware that this plan does not guarantee your success, but greatly contributes to it. Because women are predominantly winning the battle by initiating the breakups first, I will write from a male perspective (sorry ladies).
Don’t worry if some time has already passed since you broke up. We will get to your part as well.
Let’s have some fun with this guide and count all the mistakes we have made during this “How to get your ex back” guide. Every time you messed up, you will add +1 point to your counter.
Post your end result in the comments below to compare your errors with the other dumpees.
Let’s begin!
Back to day 1
Before you go ahead and desperately attempt to get your ex back by forcing them to be with you, I need you to take a step back and wait patiently. Since your ex has made up her mind, there is no way of talking her out of the decision. Begging and pleading will only make things worse.
Your ex already feels guilty for doing what she did. Don’t guilt-trip her further as it will only solidify her decision and bring out the anger. Instead, what you need to do when you get dumped is to walk away amicably.
Showing strength and independence is extremely attractive. It portrays alpha male traits and increases your value. +1 if you have begged and pleaded.
Don’t just say “fine” and disappear out of their lives. This behavior would exhibit that you don’t care the slightest. Instead, you should peacefully let them know, you accept their decision and that you still want to work it out, despite the ups and downs. After you’ve apologized for the part you had wronged, it’s time to scram!
Walk out of her life like T800 (the Terminator) without showing any emotions. You may be dying on the inside, but this is crucial to your self-worth in their eyes. The more affected you are by the breakup, the more significance you give to their life. +1 for being overemotional.
“I thought I was supposed to tell them how much they mean to me?”
Maybe in the movies where guys will jump through a bunch of hoops to get the girls to like them. The real world, unfortunately, doesn’t work like that.
You can instantly increase your value and make them question their worth by showing them they aren’t exactly the queen of England.
No-contact
As you know, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Immediately, after the separation, you have got to disappear off this planet (figuratively of course). Detach yourself from their life by going no-contact. Enter a 30-day no-contact period to stay away from them completely.
No-contact rule entails No texting, calling, liking their status, opening stories, stopping by their work. Basically, anything that lets them know you are still interested in them. They are dead to you and you are dead to them. You’re both zombies (at least to each other).
On the occasion that your ex sends you subliminal messages during this 30-day no-contact, you want to briefly reply and carry on with your life. If they ever want to get back together with you, they will directly tell you or invite you out. Never reply too quickly, because doing so will show availability and that they still have you at their disposal.
You now have your own life to enjoy without them in it, and they need to realize that. Took you more than 10 days to go no-contact? +1
Avoid mistakes
Since you were broken up with and are now in the early stages of the breakup, you should immediately stop making post break up mistakes. Stop yourself from doing more damage to the relationship in any way possible. Let the failed relationship rest for a while by leaving your ex-partner alone.
Show them you respect their decision and wish them happiness, even if it’s without you. If you don’t leave them alone and let them deal with their own issues you will hear them say: “leave me alone, I need time to myself, give me space.“
They asked for freedom and independence and that’s exactly what you are giving them. Letting them be on their own gives them the space they need.
“But how much space should I give them?“
A lot. Because you respect their wishes, you give them more than they need. Going no-contact is your best option when it comes to getting your ex back. Your absence will also soothe their frustrations.
Day 30 of no contact
You should now be feeling much better. Strength and sleep have returned and you can focus on yourself again. The point of the 30-day no-contact rule is to regain your own identity by utilizing the breakup.
Chances are that somewhere along the ride you stopped being yourself and became a person nor you or your ex wanted you to be. Did you complain a lot, argue, drink, party? Whatever the case, this is the time to reflect.
If after 30 days of no-contact, your ex still hasn’t gotten in touch with you or expressed any desire to get back with you, it might not be that bad in the long run.
The relationship clearly had issues that need addressing and time will allow you to do just that. +1 if you broke 30-day no-contact rule (doesn’t involve stalking them on social media without their knowledge).
Although it’s not healthy or recommended, most people do it, including the dumpers.
At this point of no-contact, you are in the early stages of breaking the habit of being used to them. As you may or may not know, I am not an advocate of a 30-day no-contact rule as it can often backfire and kill your chances. Instead, I suggest we prolong the no-contact period. This time we do it indefinitely.
Indefinite no-contact period
The reason why I suggest doing the indefinite no-contact is that you need much longer than a month to get over your ex. Merely a month of time away is not enough to make any significant changes.
You may realize what killed your relationship and how you can fix it, but forming and correcting habits takes a minimum of 21 days and up to a maximum of 66 days. Haven’t changed even 1 bad habit? +1
Like I mentioned earlier, time is your biggest ally so try to learn from a failed relationship. After 30 days of no-contact, your ex will start letting go of some of the negative memories that led to the breakup.
They will begin to doubt their decision and revisit the idea of getting back together.
If you want to follow a game plan with the highest success rate on how to get your ex back, do an indefinite no-contact period.
Whether it’s before the end of the 30-day no contact period or after, you should start working on yourself as soon as possible. Study and correct the shortcomings that initiated the breakup.
Focus on becoming the best version of yourself you can possibly be. Become so irresistible they will regret leaving you.
Be productive and really expand your comfort zone. You won’t get your ex back if you don’t improve yourself inside out.
This is the time when you stop being predictable and improve in every area of your life you possibly can (even the small things). Find the traits your ex fell in love with and make them shine again.
Believe in your transformation and work on it. If you didn’t start working on yourself (socializing, working out, changing your wardrobe, learning relationship skills) +1 for each (max 4).
Wouldn’t you be surprised to see your ex a few months later and notice she is more mature, attractive and smart? She would be surprised of the new you as well, so don’t take this part lightly.
It’s what is either going to keep her once you get her back or lose her again.
What if they find someone new?
It “probably” won’t happen right away, and even if it does, there’s nothing you can do about it. Whether it’s only been a week or a month after a breakup, you cannot say or do anything.
Let her rebound fizzle out while you are working on yourself. Since you are out there bettering yourself in every frickin’ way possible, she is stuck on the same level.
The You 2.0 will triumph her maturity when you get in contact with her and she will be disappointed for not making any self-improvements.
“There has to be something I can say or do…”
Unfortunately, the more you interfere, the more you push her towards the new guy. Do you remember how convincing her about getting back with you does the exact opposite? So will telling her to leave her new boyfriend.
Don’t acknowledge the new person as a threat to you. Portray self-confidence by not even asking about his name. He is of no interest to you. Be patient and respectful towards her wish of dating.
She is probably struggling with the break up as well and is seeking validation from another person. If you got jealous with your ex about who she is seeing or hanging out with and reached out, add +1.
Pink elephant
“Wait, what?”
It was sort of random, but did you think of a pink elephant? Just like your ex-girlfriend, you can’t take your mind off something you tell yourself not to think about.
The more you want to distract yourself from thinking about something, the more of that you bring into your thoughts. The same principle applies to your ex.
She thinks being with someone else will make her forget about you. It will for a while, but not for long. When she broke up with you, she felt the rush of freedom and happiness (especially if she felt smothered).
Now the new guy became the center of her attention and happiness. As the relationship unfolds weeks later and the honeymoon period ends, the bad things will come out to the surface and plague the rebound relationship.
She will compare you to this new guy (especially the things you did better than he does) and it will play with her head. Since she has not dealt with the break up at all, she is now forced to deal with two relationships falling apart.
The new guy probably won’t tolerate her unresolved drama and might end up dumping her. This would be ideal for you, as she would seek solace in people that she has had a connection with.
Now is the time when you show her the new and improved you. Be calm and friendly and offer her support to form an emotional connection.
Showing off your new life
People, such as your ex, want to be with someone who is happy and full of life. About a week or two after the break up (ideally) you should start doing all these fun new activities and start posting it online. What you want to do is make your ex feel left out for dumping such a fun person.
They need to see that you are enjoying life as a result of a break. You suddenly became very motivated to do new fun and exciting things. Wallowing in pity over her would be a huge waste of time is the message you want to portray to your ex.
Throw in a bit of jealousy as well. Publish a photo of you and a member of the opposite gender dining at a fancy restaurant. Doing it subtly is key. Don’t suddenly act out of character by spamming your Facebook wall. Doing that will prove your immaturity and show that break up has taken a toll on you. If you never used social media, now is the time to get into it.
Post one or two pictures a week and try to get yourself tagged as well. Your ex seeing you with another girl will arouse preselection and greatly increase your value in her eyes. It will also boost your self-esteem. It’s a win-win situation. Did you spam your social media to get her attention +1
Patience, patience and more patience
In this “Get your ex back” guide we will solely rely on your ex messaging you first. There will be no chasing and messaging her after 30 days. It has to be their decision. When enough time has passed and you have truly evolved, you won’t feel the need to reach out anymore.
You are a new and improved person, therefore you absolutely don’t want to be the one to tell your ex that. Be calm, cool and collected and prepare for round 2 when it comes.
Sometimes it can be tempting to reach out. We think to ourselves “Oh, it’s been 2 months since I went no-contact. Maybe I should just tell them I’m still around.” Wrong! You were the one who got rejected so portray self-respect. She no longer needs you in her life so it’s time for you to wait.
By “wait” I don’t mean you should just sit around, waiting for them to call. You have got your own things to do.
Time will come when they decide to “check up” on you, your dog or make any excuse to reach out. That’s when your eyes will sparkle and you say “bingo.” It might be months or even years later for whatever reason.
They might just come out of another relationship or maybe they start missing the good things you brought to the table. Possibilities are endless so don’t give up. +1 If you screwed up and contacted them after 30 days of no-contact.
“It’s been 3 months. When should I give up?”
Time apart should have given you some clarity about whether you still want this person. Is there truly something special about them or were you just attached to them?
Seriously make a list of positives and negatives about your ex. Now that enough time has passed, you should be able to see the negatives more clearly. Below is an exemplary image.
Now that you’ve created your list, I need you to put your investigator fedora on and truly examine the case. See if it’s “worth it.” Take your time with this and identify their shortcomings.
Assuming that you have somewhat stopped blaming yourself for the breakup and are no longer attached to the outcome, then you should be able to see your failed relationship from a third perspective. +1 if you boosted her ego by telling her how perfect she is.
Master yourself, master your ex
How much value did you add to their life and how much did they add to yours? This is so important to figure out, as you may have been the unhappy one because your standards weren’t met.
You can change yourself to infinity and beyond for yourself and this person, and you still won’t be happy when you end up back together. The key to a fulfilling romance is to speak the same love language. Pick up Gary Chapman’s book: “The 5 Love Languages” and find your own, as well as your partner’s love language.
You’ve been working on yourself like a maniac, putting in extra hours and pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. It’s been 4 or 5 months after the breakup and they still haven’t reached out. You begin to lose faith in them ever contacting you, and you wonder if all your hard work was in vain.
You get depressed as time has started working against you. It seems to you, they are getting further and further away. Your confidence drops and you think they have completely moved on.
Even if that is true and they have “forgotten” about you, you first need to be aware of the reasons behind your personal transformation. Improving yourself is firstly for you and lastly for yourself. What your ex is getting is just a bonus of your endeavor.
You must first let go of them to get them back. The same principle applies to your ex. They certainly don’t want the old you back. Instead, give them the You 2.0.
No more Mr. nice guy
It’s been 6 months since the breakup and desperation is out of your system. You are finally in the right mindset to get your ex back (provided you’ve done the work). Co/dependency is no longer an issue and you can stomach seeing her dating another person, easily.
This is the mental stability level you want to be at. Because you feel so confident in yourself and your abilities, her new toy does not budge you an inch.
You are the best, you offer more than he can provide and you know it. As an amazing individual, you believe in your own capabilities and what you bring to the table. Now is the time to put your hard work into practice.
This time we are going to take a more direct approach. Subtly showing your ex all the changes you’ve made to your life has not made her come out of her shell.
Since most people live in the same area as their exes, let’s first examine the most common scenarios.
Physical encounter
Since you know your ex more than they know themselves, I presume you have an idea where they like to hang out. You will have to study their schedule, availability, social media, whatever it takes to find out the time and place. Yes, you will stalk them and “force” the new you upon them.
After 6 months of complete silence, it will have seemed as “pure coincidence” to suddenly run into them.
If they are going to a club, you should invite your friends of the opposite gender and get there early. Put your best clothes on, get a new haircut and try to lay off the booze.
You want to appear as cool as possible. Get to know the bartender and other attendees as they could help raise your value if you end up taking it a step further. If you are casually seeing someone, bring her along as she could help your ex lay off her defenses.
You can choose to involve your female friends or strangers if they are willing to cooperate.
When you have fully established yourself and set your stage, it’s time to prepare for impact.
You are having fun and feel as relaxed as you possibly can when your ex walks into the club. She notices you from afar and freezes in place. You quickly scan her body language and facial expressions to understand what she’s feeling.
Does she feel like running away or does she seem to like it wouldn’t kill her to say a few words? In an ideal world, you would want her to walk up to you, but since you are both just staring at each other, it’s time for you to make a move.
It doesn’t matter if she is with another guy. You introduce yourself and never acknowledge him again. He is nothing compared to you. An alpha male doesn’t see others as competition so you don’t converse with him. You focus on your ex and only her.
You want to appear as happy and upbeat as you can. Hug her and tell her about your new amazing life. She most probably knows a lot already from getting caught by the bait you set for her on your social media. Throw in a few surprises and let her know how the breakup was a huge eye-opener for you.
Another guy
She and her new guy probably have a lot of issues in their lives. Not you though. Your life is like a fairy tale as you are radiating with light. After a few minutes of conversation, make an excuse to leave and return to your friends. Don’t make any plans with her or tell her you’ll keep in touch.
Your life is priceless and she needs to see that. If you have done everything successfully and genuinely, she will instantly regret breaking up with you and wonder what she’s doing with the new guy.
Hopefully, she will message or call you a few days later. In a case where she does reach out, you want to appear nonchalant and never too eager to reply. Always leave the conversation first and show her who’s in charge now. She is no longer a priority in your life anymore and she needs to discern that.
Remember that people are selfish beings and always want something from you in any shape or form. Take it slowly and see if she invites you out. Make her work hard to get your attention, because you want her to appreciate you. Nobody appreciates things that were just given to them.
Long-distance encounter
I don’t recommend using the long-distance encounter sooner than 10 months after a breakup. Even if you use it after a year or so, it can often backfire. so use it with caution.
Those who live miles or continents apart will have to pick this approach. There are a few options you can choose from. Some may not fit your case best so study them before you make a move. They are all indirect-direct approaches which means that you are overstepping the boundary.
Unfortunately, there is no other way around. If you are divided due to physical distance, walking into the area your ex lives in isn’t an option. Choose from one of the following long-distance encounters. The sole purpose of this approach is to convey the message that you are doing great after the breakup and that the break up has given you the motivation to succeed in life.
Wrong address: Order a woman’s item to a “wrong” address. Let the message say something like: “Hope you enjoy your present Jenny <3. If your ex has common courtesy, she will notify you that an item has been misdelivered. She might even get curious and ask “who’s Jenny?”
Jealousy can play a big role when it comes to getting your ex back.
A devious story: Post on your social media. “These past few months have been amazing! I have never laughed my ass off as much as I did with (tag a few guys or fake profiles) I hope we can get together again on Friday. This time we’ll find our fallen comrade – Jimmy a companion as well. He’s the last one remaining, we won’t abandon you, Jimmy!” This comment is meant to coerce jealousy.
If you know where she lives you might want to send her family either a vacation or a thank you postcard.
Vacation postcard: You want to say something like: “Hi this is (your name). I’m writing all the way from Hawaii! I know how much you guys love the sun so I thought I would send you some sunshine. Hope all is well (your name).” A thoughtful reminder saying you remember the family members’ likings.
Thank you postcard: With this approach, you want to thank her family members for treating you kindly. Say: “Hi, it’s (your name) and I would like to thank you all for accepting me so kindly into your family. I have truly felt appreciated and I miss every single one of you amazing people. (you can squeeze in something your ex wanted you to change about yourself.
A job, get out of your mom’s basement, new friends, etc.) Hope all is well. Kind regards (your name). Nothing plays a bigger role in your ex’s life than her family. If they approve of you, you are halfway there.
Personal letter: I’m not a huge advocate of this method as it is too direct and it shows her you still care. Anyway, send your ex a handwritten letter saying: “Hey this is (your name). I just wanted to say I am thankful for all the good deeds you have done for me (you can mention a certain thing). The break up was probably a good thing because something great has happened recently (bait).
I’ve been working a lot, going to the gym and even made some new friends. I hope you are well as well, (your name). In this way, you tell your ex you have moved on. On top of that, you stay vague and mysterious and bait them to reach out to you without asking them to.
After you have sent these messages out to your ex, it’s again time to wait. The whole “how to get your ex back” program is mainly based on patience and personal growth. Sometimes it can take a long time to switch that emotional trigger in your ex’s brain.
Okay, so it’s been a few weeks after you’ve sent out your prayers and you haven’t heard back from your ex. Again you should ask yourself: “How much longer should I keep hoping? would they have done the same for me?“
Clearly, they wouldn’t, but it’s not up to me to decide. All I can say at this point is that they are one stubborn son of a b…
If you ever meant anything to them, they will contact you at some point. Probably when they are going through a hard time in life and need a shoulder to lean on. Hard time examples: new break up, loss of a family member, failing college or missing you like nuts. We are strongly hoping it’s for the last reason.
Your ex finally reaches out
After months of anticipation, it has finally happened. They have reached out with their direct or indirect approach. It doesn’t really matter anymore since months have gone by. Your ex has given in to curiosity and wants to know if you are happy on your own.
From this point on, I want you to carefully craft every sentence, every word, and every letter. You will show them the new you by being positive and upbeat with your messages. Tell them your life is amazing and let them know what you’ve been up to. Brag a little as you want to make them feel envious of your happiness.
Don’t talk about the relationship and never let the conversation get negative. If it somehow does, make an excuse to leave. On top of that, you want to be the first to stop the conversation, preferably at a high point. In this way, you gain total control of the situation and leave them wanting more. It sort of works like a push and pull technique.
Try to let them steer the direction of the conversation as well as any future initiations. That said, let’s now look at the two most common communication methods. +1 If you annoyed them by spamming them with calls and texts after the breakup.
(end of counting mistakes).
Slowly and gradually crawl back into their heart. Start by texting and focus on increasing the texting frequency. When the time is right (you will have to feel it out) go for a phone/Skype call and take it to the next level. Do not become needy and let her do 80% of the initiating.
It will be hard to portray dominance and assertiveness. Unfortunately, it’s so important when it comes to getting back with the one you love.
You are an evolved person and completely independent of your ex. Stay in complete control of your emotions which can otherwise lead to bad actions. Never act on impulse and put a lot of thought into every move. Ask yourself: “Is this the right thing to do? How will she react? What will this accomplish?“
She will be unintentionally testing you. Crumble under the pressure and she is gone forever. This is a battle between the new and improved you VS the old you, not your ex.
She is only a referee, observing your new behavior and setting up traps for you to get caught in. Even when things get south, stay positive and show her that you are no longer the person they left, but rather a person they always wanted you to be. This is your one and only chance to shine so don’t blow it.
If it seems like she is only battering you repeatedly, let her know you won’t tolerate her demeanor towards you and calmly stop the conversation. Say something along the lines of: “I see you still hold a grudge against me, and that’s alright. I will go now, it’s been fun talking to you. Let me know when you are ready to talk to me.”
Text your ex back
When used properly, texting can be a powerful tool to get your ex back. It gives you plenty of time to prepare your replies. You want to make sure you don’t show your eagerness to hear from her(even if you are starving for their attention). Always take at least 30 minutes to an hour to reply. If you do that, your ex will be dying to hear from you since they are the ones who are interested in talking to you. Always put in the same or even better, less amount of effort than she does.
The first time they message you, I recommend you wait even longer, closer to a day preferably. Reply the next morning because the first impression is very important, even when it comes to getting your ex back.
During the first conversation you don’t want to:
- ask who they’re dating
- express any leftover feelings
- sound romantic/sexual
- make demands/seek closure
- ask to get back together
- over-text
- act too excited
What you should do instead:
- mirror their enthusiasm
- reply with the same amount of words
- show them the new you
- make them slightly jealous
- text 5 – 6 times (less is more)
- be vague and mysterious
- make an excuse to leave at the peak of the conversation
Initiatives
Texting initiatives examples from your ex:
Her: Hey
You: Hey/hi/hello
Her: I miss you
You: I miss you too/of course you do :)/Who is this?/ I miss you too, Lisa. Be careful with jealousy when directly conversing with your ex.
Her: Do you miss me?
You: Only as much as you miss me/of course I miss you/only when I’m thinking about you.
What you are doing is mirroring her interest. If she writes a paragraph, you need to do the same or slightly less. This is what makes you interesting. After a few messages make an excuse to leave the conversation. Find a way to leave her wanting more. Make her extremely thirsty and when she is about to get the only bottle of water on Earth (which is in your hands), you leave. Use the push-pull technique to get her going crazy.
Next, you want to wait about 2 to 3 days before you contact her. If she messages you first, reply and continue where you left off. If she’s not the one to initiate, it’s time for you to make a move.
Day 2
Silence (reply if she texts).
Day 3
Silence (reply if she texts).
Day 4
If she hasn’t messaged you during those two days of silence, you reach out.
Ways of texting her:
- apologize for leaving last time and continue the conversation.
- send her a reminder of a nostalgic moment
- inform her of activity in her area
- ask her for advice with something of her expertise
Make the conversation last a while longer than last time and cut it at a peak again.
Day 5
Silence (reply if she texts).
Day 6
Silence (reply if she texts).
Day 7
Reach out and prolong the conversation. Message her on two different occasions in one day.
Day 8
Silence (reply if she texts).
Day 9
Initiate the conversation (reply if she texts). Gradually increase the length of a conversation.
Day 10
Silence (reply if she texts)
Day 11
Start a conversation. Become genuinely interested in her life.
Building trust and attraction
As you noticed, the frequency of conversations is gradually increasing. So is the length of the conversation and the things you say to build up attraction. By texting multiple times a day, you want to get to a point where it seems like you two are dating again. If you are super careful with this approach, it will happen without your ex even realizing it.
When you know it’s safe to take it a step further, it’is time you subtly remind her about the good times you shared together.
It’s very important not to jump the gun by doing too much too soon. Don’t just go with the flow and expect things to go perfectly. There will be ups and downs. Take it as a challenge and complete each task in front of you. Escalate by gracefully telling her what you appreciate about her and always stay positive.
You may think everything is going nicely when she suddenly turns cold. If that happens, you need to persevere and continue being nice. Never get into an argument with your ex. When she gets cold, her natural defenses come back up and prevent her from falling back in love with you. Luckily for you, love isn’t a choice and can only be fought for so long.
Know when to back off and never push her into making a decision. She is a free person and has the right to do as she wishes. Show her respect when she asks for space. Have no expectations and don’t get needy! Less is more, remember? She has to feel the need to reach out to you on her own.
When you have been texting back and forth for a few weeks and things have been progressing well, take it a step further by asking if you can call her.
Phone calling your ex back
During a very successful texting conversation say something like: “Hey, I’ve run into a little bit of dilemma with buying a new phone (or anything she knows a lot about). Do you mind if I call you?” If she declines the phone call, simply brush it off. You could have attempted too early before enough rapport has been built up. Try again a couple of weeks later regarding something else and if she still isn’t interested, you will have to leave it up to her to get on a phone call with you.
When you get on a phone call with your ex, act natural, positive and upbeat. This is a perfect opportunity to show her the new, improved you. Start building rapport organically as if you were dating for the first time. If months have passed since the breakup, you have got to get to know her again anyway.
You are certainly a new person and hopefully, she has made a few changes too. Really listen to what she has to say as it could help you later by reiterating what she had said before. It’s a good strategy to show her you’re a good listener and ready to be mature about it.
Meeting in person
It’s hard to say how long you should wait before you invite her out. In my opinion, you should be talking and texting regularly for at least two weeks before inviting her out for a cup of coffee. If she is a long-distance ex, it has to be her who invites you to come to see her. Don’t just tell her you will travel the world for a 20-minute tea-time.
Don’t call it a date, instead say you want to hang out. Pick a public place you know she will like. It can be a coffee shop, restaurant, museum, any place but your house! Dress well, be fun, happy and show her all the new changes you’ve made. Tell her about a few things you’ve been keeping yourself busy with.
Don’t lay all your cards down on a table. Instead, stay a bit vague and mysterious. Pay attention to her body language and act accordingly. Meaning, if she seems held back and tense, back off a bit and see if you can break the ice.
You want to leave on a good note after 30-40 minutes, thanking her for her time. Leaving her with a good impression of you is crucial to your success as she will be thinking about you for days after. No need to make any plans just yet because you will keep in touch.
If it didn’t go horribly, you should let her invite you out next time. In case it didn’t go so well, apologize for being nervous and say you had other issues bothering you as well, such as (insert excuse). Don’t make it sound too dramatic though.
From now on it’s all about connecting with your ex each day until you reach your destination. Take your time and be patient. It won’t happen overnight. She probably lost feelings for you over the span of weeks. Now she might try to resist her temptations by reminding herself of what went wrong.
Make her see through the past by inspiring her with the new version of yourself. Show her the person she fell in love with and all the good qualities you bring to the table. You are one of a kind, so make her see you for who you are.
What are your thoughts about this “How to get your ex back guide?” How many mistakes have you made after the breakup? Max mistakes (14) Write your thoughts in the comments below.
I think I ended up with 5 or so points feeling like I was in good shape lol!
Zan,
Considering the age of this article and your personal advancement as a coach, do you feel the need to refine or expand on the content?
Hi Josh.
Yes, I do feel the need to do that. I suggest you read newer articles for better advice.
Sincerely,
Zan
😀
I couldn’t read the whole thing at once but, oh boy! Game on. I love a good challenge. PS, I am a woman and I would like an article in the reverse. Also I am on 16 days NC. I often times feel like reaching out for all sorts of reasons. Then I come here and I get energized again. I am committing six weeks to recovery and ‘trying’ then I am moving on. Any suggestions?
Hi Sabi.
Stay in no contact indefinitely. Your ex needs to put the work in whereas you need to focus on healing and feeling better. The time to start moving on is now.
Best,
Zan
My ex and I have a Long Distance Relationship. Though we live in same country , I could not go and meet him because of covid lockdowns, he become increasing colder to me. We often argued via texts and he is an insecure guy. Finally, he decided to break me up, I guess. He asked my facebook password because he said he could not trust me and I refused to give my password to him because I believe that it is my privacy. So, he accused me that I have something to hide in almost every day. Finally, he broke up with me and just three days after that, he dated another guy again. I am very hurt and humiliated for that because he did not even take time to heal himself or let me cool down first. It was very sudden and It hit me like hell. I still love him so much, I admit that I have many mistakes which push him away but If I have a second chance with him, I will do everything to win him back. I lost his trust and I do not care how long if I have to wait for his forgiveness , I will wait for it. Now is like living hell to me because the one whom I loved is with another guy and he has this hatred towards me.
My ex broke up with me 2 days ago after 3 and a half years, because he felt like we had changed a lot since we both took a gap year last year (not necessarily for the worse, we were just growing apart and as a result we were having more and more ups and downs) and things just weren’t as good as they should be/used to be (which I do agree with as we had been arguing a lot more recently and I was also beginning to feel like something was missing, I just never thought we would break up over it as I assumed it would just get better eventually) and he initially said he was going to try harder because he didn’t want to break up because he still loved me, even if it was beginning to fade, but after he thought about it more he realised that he was falling out of love with me and breaking up was the right thing for him to do before things got even worse and collapsed completely. (Our sexual relationship is also a lot weaker than it used to be and we are a lot less sexually intimate now than when we first started having sex, but he never mentioned this as a factor).
I made the mistake of trying to convince him that now that I knew what was wrong we could try and work on it and that we had other options than just breaking up but he was set in his decision, so then I made another mistake of telling him that if he ever changed his mind then o would be here for him (which he started to get annoyed about as he expressed that he knew how he felt and that he wasn’t going to change his mind, his decision was final)
We saw each other in person the next day as I told him I needed to speak in person as I had questions I needed answering in order for me to be able to accept what was happening.
We spoke for a bit and then at the end I told him I wanted to give him back a teddy he had given me on our first Valentine’s Day, and he immediately started crying and told me that he didn’t want me to give it back and that he didn’t want to just get rid of the things I’d given to him because they were a reminder of the good memories that we have.
After about 10 minutes of discussing this and me asking if he wanted me to keep them or not (and him telling me again that he was going to keep his things from me), and me asking what he was going to do with the photos of us he had recently printed off (he said he would take them down and put them in a drawer for now and deal with them at another time) he was still clearly very hurt and upset and still crying. I asked him why and he told me he was very sorry for making me feel so bad and that he didn’t want to hurt me, and then he told me he didn’t want to be there having this conversation anymore so we hugged and then I got in my car and watched him walk away still crying.
When I got home I messaged him on snapchat a very long message with all the things I needed to say, essentially just that I’m sorry it didn’t work and that I want him to be happy even if it’s not with me because that’s what he deserves; I told him I wouldn’t forget the good memories we shared, and that I will always care for him and support him if he needs me to, but that I am no longer going to be dependent on him, and then I apologised for sending so much but that I needed to say it before we took some time apart otherwise I’d regret not expressing myself.
He told me it was fine and that we just need some time apart right now, and when I asked if he thought we could ever be okay again (because we were very close friends for a while before we started dating) he said he hopes so.
I told him I loved him even if we can’t be together, and he told me that he does still love me too and he’s sorry that this happened, and then he said “goodbye for a little while x” and I told him we could speak soon, whenever he’s ready.
He also saved the messages I had sent? I assume so he could go back and read them if he wanted to but I don’t understand what that means for us.
That was yesterday. Today I told one of our mutual friends we had broken up and made another mistake by asking the friend to ask if my ex was okay, because when I’d seen him the previous day he was obviously very upset. My friend asked and told me that my ex had said that we had broken up and he was feeling a bit down about it. (I’m not sure whether that’s how he actually feels or if he was just playing it down and trying to be strong).
Since then I haven’t done anything else and I fully intend to go completely no contact and respect my ex’s wish to take some time apart right now.
I just can’t figure out if all this is a good sign that we might reconcile at some point, not even necessarily getting back together as a couple (even though I genuinely believe that’s what I want as he is very special to me), but even just as friends because he is a very important person to me and I don’t want to lose him forever.
We also go to the same uni, do a similar course, go to the same gym and shop and live in accommodation blocks round the corner from one another, and I’m scared I might bump into him by accident whilst it’s still too soon and just ruin everything accidentally. Because if I see him in person when he’s not ready for that I’m afraid he’ll just remember all the reasons we broke up and I’ll just end up back where I started.
We both go back on the same day, but at different times and for the next 3 weeks after that we have exams so I’m hoping that we’ll both be too busy and distracted to be going out much and risking a face to face interaction.
I hope the fact that we’re living so close to one another and have a lot of the same friends at uni will act as an incentive for him to check in, but I’m trying not to get my hopes up
How did things go? Did you ever end up getting back with him or do you feel that your partnership ended and has benefitted you?
I tried my first no contact. However, my ex broke up with me mainly due to depression. I’m not sure if the no contact is going to bring him back or being mentally stable for him would.
Same thing happened to me. He says he no longer loves me but he doesn´t hate me either. I wonder if he is able to see things more crearly now.
When my Ex broke up with me i was extremly hurt and acted like it…which hurt her alot as well, we both cried. I could not sleep that night and begged her the next morning if i could come to visit her – but only for minutes, before i regained composure and told her “I do not want to beg for anything, this has to end now. i wont contact you anymore bcs it only hurts us both”- which she was very thankful for.
For a week i did not contact her. I had alot to do for Uni and could NOT concentrate, because i have had the feeling she still liked me alot, not loved me but it was very hard for her to break up. So i contacted her and asked if she would give me a second chance. – But as soon as i got the answer i told her to block me on all messengers, just bcs i could not stand it not contacting her and that would be the best bet.
That was nearly 2 Months ago. After one month plus 3 days or something it was my birthday, and she unblocked me on skype, wishing me a happy bday. I thanked her, but did not do more than to wish her best of luck with her thesis. (one sentence).
On the 31 so ten days later i wrote her on skype again, a one line congratulating her for the finished thesis, which i supposed she had finished by that time.
Her response was a one liner, but with ‘^^’ in the end, telling me she could not finish yet, due to corona but that extra time was given from the Uni. Again, i just wished her best of luck.
Over the past days my mood got worse and worse until i finally noticed, i could not let her go if i did not fully disconnect from her. I deleted her Skype Contact and Chat plus all other possibilities to reach her.
Yesterday our mutual friend, who happens to be her flatmate, told me he could no longer feel comfortable writing with me, as it had really shocked him to see her hurt the way she was. That made me quite sad,but also helped deleting his number and with that the last straw that was connecting me with her.
I am really confused if i did the right thing, as she already reached out to me at my birthday…but i guess that does not count, bcs it is a special day? -> I just take it as a good sign she is at least friends with me in her head on some days?
For the past weeks i did ALOT of stuff for myself, including building up a sort of routine for each day with options for myself to get creative, do what i like and such. Only Corona really sucks, as i feel more lonely than ever, we were really close.
It might be, that it hurt her again to no longer see me in her Skype Contacts, but after all, she can just unblock me and write me anytime anywhere. Was that the right thing to do ? I just could no longer take it seeing her online all the time (i need to use skype for work).
I do not want to make myself any false hopes, after digging through alot of scammer sites i finally found yours, which is the first and only truly helpful one. I really appreciate what you are doing here, great content!!
best regards,
I think I had 1 point so far, and almost a second one (I’ll count it anyways – so 2).
I’m in no contact and I’m healing. I think I’m going well.
My ex told me one day she felt the spspark and passion was gone. For some reason it brought up alot of insecurity in me. I felt like i wasnt good enough. I tried to take her to new places but only bbecame needier and wouldnt stop bringing up the relationship. Threatened to break up twice and she said if we break up im never coming back so she had me wrapped around her finger. This happened for 2 months i noticed she was searching this guy alot on fb and downloaded snapchat out of the blue. I couldnt control myself. Eventually i called a break to give us some time apart. When we came back i told her i was sorry and i dont appreciate what she didid she started crying and said you put me through alot and i appologised and explained i had my own mental health issues i was working out but this time it would be different. She said she needed more time. After a week i called her and she broke up with me. The next 2 weeks i contacted her twice. The first telling her i need time to heal and its best if she didnt contact me. The second i saw her at a bar and broke down. I texted her with the whole how could you do this you said u wanted to get married blah blah. I blocked her then unblocked her on social media. I went crazy. She saw me on bumble and called me out but i explained my cousin made the profileand had her delete it. She saisaid she has no right getting mad at me were broken up. nI sent her a reconciliation text on dec 2nd saying i appologize for how i took the breakup. I understand why you did it. I need to work on myself and focus on self development so this doesnt happen in future relationships. We shared a laugh about her cat and then i stopped and am in no contact. How should i approach this? Should i focus on moving on? Do you think shell eveever contact me again? Should i wait 6 months to fully heal anand become the best version of myself? Is it best to move on and then try? Idk how to handle this. It seems like shes already over it. We were together 6 years with one breakup on my part.
4 or 5 points id say. I feel like i really fucked this up.
Hey man, she is definitely going to be curious at some point. And when she takes a peek, what is she going to see??? Hopefully a guy capable of rebuilding himself up. With a mindset of complete un attachment. Don’t contact her anymore. Don’t wait for her, start setting yourself ready to be dating.
Then if and when she contacts you, you’ll be more relaxed and ready for anything that may happen. 8/10 times we realize that is not a relationship we wanted either
Hey, thank you so much for this site, it has helped me no end! I didn’t make many post break up mistakes (I think) and went no contact pretty much immediately. I did reach out after 30 days regarding a money matter (we had a big holiday booked which I’d paid for, and was hoping he could use the flight for a different destination as it’s non-refundable and I couldn’t change the name). I have since gone back to no contact and unfollowed him on FB, I saw that he got into a relationship v quickly and figured I don’t need to be seeing all of that on my timeline. He has been liking my posts (profile picture, cover photo, pictures I post etc). I know they’re breadcrumbs and not to read into it, but should I be reciprocating to some level to show there’s no hard feelings? I am assuming he’s still with his new partner but don’t really want to see any more about it, so I’ve so far restrained from looking at his profile at all.
Hi James.
Thanks for the comment.
There’s no need to reciprocate to his likes as they are merely breadcrumbs. Unless your ex reaches out and says something to you directly, you don’t do anything other than heal.
Continue getting over him and try not to slip up and look at his profile.
Best regards,
Zan
So I went a while into NC, and my ex reached out through Snapchat, just commenting on my story. I responded the next day and never received a reply. This happened a couple more times for a couple of weeks until about 2 weeks ago. She messaged me again commenting on my story, I reply after about 10 minutes and we have a short conversation, I ask her how she’s doing, she tells me her life has been great and whatever. Then she stops responding again. I never initiated contact during this time of her replying to my stories. However, I saw on my friend’s phone that she was posting about not getting dates and having regrets (I try to not look at her stories, and if I do it’s because of a friend showing me). And now we aren’t friends on Snapchat anymore, she made a new snap account and posted about it on Twitter. (We are still friends on all other social media). Now I’m at a place where our main means of communication is gone, and idk if I should even try and add her on her new account or not. Basically, she contacted me first, and I would always go back to NC because I don’t like going through the cycle of her not responding. Did I play this situation poorly?
Hi Del.
I suggest you don’t add her new Snapchat account and keep healing instead. If you do, she will only continue appearing and disappearing as she pleases. So prioritize yourself and continue working on yourself.
If she’s as unlucky as you say, she will likely contact you again and breadcrumb you. So be prepared to hear from her when things get tough for her.
Kind regards,
Zan
So we dated for two years but had a couple break ups in between, mostly due to me becoming distant. Last time I begged and kept in contact. Then I barely was able to get us to reconcile after giving her some space and time to focus on myself. I guess I only did that change for her at the time and not truly make it for myself, because after about 6 months (with wonderful dates and memories inbetween) I became distant again and she couldn’t take it and couldn’t trust I wouldn’t do it again so she gave up on us. I did some begging and apologizing the first day but then accepted the breakup. She did keep some photos up but she unfollowed my Instagram and she doesn’t view my snaps or anything else, but she did text my mom right after the break up and my mom said she seemed like a lost puppy and she was still in love with me. I’m following all the no NC rules to a T, working on myself to become better, reading books on love and thinking positively and learning the things I needed to improve on. I think it’s going to take a long time for us to consider being together at long distance again and I’m afraid after enough time that she will be too afraid to reach out, or she will not be able to sense any change in me if we never come across each other. I think she will also try dating around too but I am not too worried about that. I’m more mature this time and thinking more positively, what is some advice you may have for me so she will be able to see that I can hold the commitments of not giving up affection?
Only two points! Six and a half year relationship: Two months after she broke up with me (no contact in between) I told her I still wanted to be with her and she rejected the idea. Three more months went by and she texted me out of the blue. It caught me off guard and I wanted to reply, but she didn’t ask a question for me to respond to. It just talked about seeing a musician we both like that made her think of me and she hopes my week was going well. At the same time, she owed me money from the deposit on our old apt. So I responded to the text a week later asking about the deposit and only made a small notion that I was bummed about missing the concert at the end of the text. She replied by acknowledging and sending the deposit amount, but nothing more.
QUESTION- did I blow my chance by not engaging very positively in that first contact text? I didn’t say anything harsh and thanked her for sending the money, but I needed the money to pay for my new apt rent that month and was still hurt with how she broke things off. My birthday is in November and I wonder if she will send me a message. Do I reply if she does? Thanks.
Hi Mike.
You didn’t ruin anything so just reply to her in a normal manner.
You don’t need to put on a show for her. She isn’t doing it either.
Stay in no contact and reply if she messages you.
Also, I can’t predict whether she will reach out.
Kind regards,
Zan
She used a no contact trick put in other articles on the internet. Basically saying something to remind you of a fond memory and indirectly asking how you are, she baited you to respond.
Does no contact work a 2nd time she reached out indirectly the first time. Not sure if it was business related but then even checked in with my brother. Took her about 6 weeks to I’m on my 2nd no contact 4 weeks in.
Hi William,
It works the second time. The thing is, exes almost always reach out indirectly, and that counts as a form of communication. Unless she absolutely had to reach out, it’s a breach of no contact. The fact that she is checking up on you is a good sign. She’s probably doing it without your awareness as well by checking on your social media.
Keep it up!
Zan
I went threw all this amf sadly it didn’t work out. 5 months in we moved intogether and she had cheated and I lost emotional control. Said things I regret … Will this work a second time around?
Apologizing once and staying in indefinite no contact is your best option. You lost your cool and that’s understandable. In my opinion she should be the one begging on her knees, not you. Give her the time and space to miss you and apologize for what she has done. You don’t just want to take her back as she is. Regain your power and self-worth, and see if she has learned a lesson when she does want you back.