Dumper Blames Dumpee For Everything

It’s common for the dumper to blame the dumpee after a breakup. The dumper feels pressured by the dumpee and relieved by his or her absence, so the dumper wants more freedom. If he or she gets it, the dumper stays away from the dumpee and enjoys his or her space and quiet.

However, if the dumper doesn’t get the freedom he or she needs, the dumper feels overprioritized and trapped and blames the dumpee for everything; including how he or she feels and used to feel in the past.

In other words, the dumper becomes resentful and can’t get over the past as fast as the dumpee would like him or her to.

The dumper needs time to process negative thoughts and feelings—and the dumpee needs to respect that. He or she mustn’t push the dumper to talk about the breakup and feelings and try to get back together.

The dumper would have already come back if he or she wanted to. He or she would have realized the breakup was a mistake and that getting back together was necessary for his or her happiness and well-being.

Dumpees shouldn’t put themselves in situations where they can get blamed by their bitter ex. The only times they should talk to their ex is during the breakup when they can ask questions and get closure.

If they get blamed during the closure conversation, they can’t avoid the blame and must do their best to understand why their ex feels angry and victimized.

Understanding their ex’s pain can help them avoid taking the blame personally and encourage them to accept the breakup rather than reason with their ex and try to undo the breakup. 

So bear in mind that typically, a dumper blames a dumpee for the breakup because he or she feels emotions of power and controls the breakup. The dumper remembers difficult moments from the past and uses them to justify his or her decisions and actions.

There’s nothing a dumpee can do to help the dumper relax and feel understood. If the dumpee apologizes for hurting the dumper, he or she admits to being in the wrong and gives the dumper more power he or she doesn’t need.

This makes the dumper even more convinced that the dumpee is the issue and that abandoning the relationship is the right thing to do.

I’m not saying apologizing is wrong. But taking accountability when the dumper blames you for everything is seldom the right thing to do. Usually, it unnecessarily empowers the dumper and prevents him or her from sharing responsibility for his or her mistakes and the breakup itself.

Most dumpers who blame their ex for the end of the relationship believe they had no choice but to dump their ex. Instead of sympathizing with their ex, they hold their ex responsible for their lack of happiness and success in the relationship and focus on post-breakup things that make them happy rather than unhappy.

This makes them make no personal improvements whatsoever and forces them to make the same mistakes later in life. Later is usually when they get into new romantic relationships and experience similar problems and stressors.

When they experience similar issues, they also respond similarly and depending on their maturity, sometimes realize they aren’t perfect either.

So if your dumper ex blames you for everything, know that this is more common than you may think. Most dumpers think their ex isn’t good enough for them and that they have the right to think negatively of their ex.

Negative thinking empowers them and prevents them from getting hurt.

Negativity and anger are their defense mechanisms as they keep their ex at a safe distance and enable them to enjoy their lives.

As long as your ex feels in total control of the breakup and is certain the breakup was your fault, your ex won’t talk to you, apologize, or feel guilty for leaving. Your ex will probably tell others your personality or behavior was the reason he or she became resentful and detached and that you left him or her with no choice but to walk away and be free.

You have nothing to say to an ex who tells him/herself and others that you’re the sole reason for the breakup. A self-victimized dumper has no desire to see things from other perspectives and accept opinions other than his or her own.

He or she can’t empathize with you due to overwhelming breakup emotions and a lack of ability to engage in self-reflection.

Some dumpers realize they treated their ex terribly weeks or months after the breakup and start feeling bad. Such dumpers often reach out to appease their guilty conscience. They don’t want their ex back, but because they have ulterior motives, they make it look like they do.

Their regretful behavior tells their ex they regret leaving when in reality, they just regret mistreating and hurting their ex.

Because they only want forgiveness, they reach out only once (max twice) and leave their ex alone afterward. They don’t see a reason to stay in touch with their ex after getting what they need.

So keep in mind that your ex could reach out just to breadcrumb you and forgive himself or herself for the horrible things he or she has said or done. The dumper could then cut you off after seeing that you’re doing okay and that you don’t hate him or her for pinning the blame on you. 

Today, we talk about the reasons the dumper blames the dumpee and share some tips on how to handle a victimized ex.

Why does the dumper blame the dumpee?

The dumper blames the dumpee because he or she believes the dumpee is the cause of his or her problems, unhappiness, and pain. The dumper is convinced many problems could have been avoided had the dumpee been a more thoughtful, self-aware, and mature individual who valued or understood his or her partner.

Because the dumper didn’t get what he or she was looking for and expected from the relationship, the dumper slowly became bitter over time. He or she stopped appreciating the dumpee and lost the drive to fix relationship issues.

Instead of fixing them, the dumper let them grow and decided the relationship was hopeless. When that happened, leaving didn’t just become an option. It became a priority and the dumper’s only path to happiness.

It made the dumper remember all the unresolved issues from the past and overwhelmed him or her with negative emotions. Emotions then convinced the dumper the dumpee was entirely to blame for the breakup and that he or she had the right to be angry and mean.

The dumper had suffered in the past, so in his or her mind, it was only fair to express pain and let the dumpee know what went wrong in the relationship.

Although it’s important to tell the dumpee why the breakup happened, the dumper should be mindful of the dumpee’s feelings.

He or she should understand that the dumpee is going through a lot and that he or she can’t possibly benefit from making the dumpee engage in self-blame. The dumpee can only feel anxious and fall into depression (or deeper into bigger depression), which can cause long-term suffering and issues.

Issues such as trust issues, fear of commitment, and an insecure attachment style.

That’s why the dumper should do his or her best to understand what the dumpee is going through and avoid blaming the dumpee for the breakup.

It can be difficult for the dumper to do that when he or she feels unheard and disrespected, but the dumper must nonetheless refrain from saying or doing hurtful things that affect the dumpee’s self-perception and mental health.

The dumper must stay in control of negative breakup emotions and by doing so, resist acting or reacting on impulse.  

So why does the dumper blame the dumpee?

The dumper accuses the dumpee of bad things for a few different reasons. The most common reasons are unprocessed long-term anger and a lack of empathy, care, and mutual goals. The dumper no longer sees a future with the dumpee and has nothing important to lose.

Hence, the dumper isn’t afraid to show his or her true personality. If the dumper wants, he or she can say mean things, cause pain, and get away with it.

Breakups are a test of character. They give dumpers opportunities to say the worst things they can think of without suffering the consequences of their actions.

Since dumpers don’t want their ex back, they can safely reveal their worst traits and put the blame on their remorseful ex who already blames himself or herself for the end of the relationship. They can kick an ex who is down and unable to defend himself or herself.

Instead of helping their ex, such dumpers destroy their ex’s self-esteem and make their ex’s healing a hundred times worse. 

Therefore, the reason they blame their ex is because they can and want to. They’re unhappy, so they choose to project their pain onto their ex and make their ex unhappy as well. They want to feel better at their ex’s expense.

In their mind, it’s okay to say hurtful things because they know they can’t lose anything, nor get hurt in return.

It’s like committing a crime you know there’s 0% chance of paying the price for. Why not benefit from someone who can’t do anything to punish you?

Sadly, many dumpers convince themselves it’s okay to hurt their ex.

They tell themselves they need to be honest and that their ex needs to know how they feel and what he or she has done wrong.

They don’t see anything wrong with blaming their vulnerable dumpee when they were the ones who quit in the end. 

Sometimes dumpers blame dumpees after the breakup because dumpees keep reaching out and asking for things dumpers don’t want to give; things such as time, validation, support, friendship, or love. They make dumpers feel uncomfortable and “force” inconsiderate responses out of them. 

Such responses hurt dumpees, make them take their ex’s behavior personally, and ruin their perception of themselves.

Having said that, here’s why a dumper blames a dumpee after a breakup.

When a dumper blames a dumpee after a breakup, it’s evident that he or she is incapable of taking responsibility and giving you the respect you deserve. You may not have been a perfect partner, but don’t forget that you deserve respect just for staying committed to the relationship until the end.

You want to be treated like a human being.

What to do when your ex blames you for the breakup?

Your ex should have expressed gratitude for your loyalty and sympathy for putting you through so much pain. Since your ex didn’t do any of that, it’s best to cut your ex off right away and commence the no contact rule.

Show your ex you won’t give him or her a reason to blame you for everything and make you feel unworthy of love and affection.

Now that you’re no longer on the same team, you need to stand up for yourself and avoid getting hurt by your ex. You need to do everything in your power to keep your ex away from you and not feel entirely responsible for the breakup.

You can do that by following all the rules of no contact. These rules will prevent your ex from saying and doing things that make you blame yourself and think your ex is the ideal partner.

Slowly but surely, they’ll help you gain a better perspective on the relationship and breakup and reduce your obsession with your ex. It’s not a matter of if but when. If you take no contact seriously, you’ll soon stop caring about what your ex thinks and feels and worry about how to ease pain and improve your life.

Your ex will occasionally look for sympathy from people he or she associates with. Your ex will do this to gain people’s support and absolve himself or herself of any responsibility.

Don’t let that bother you. What your ex does or doesn’t do is no longer your concern. It stopped concerning you when your ex left you and showed no interest in getting back together.

Hence, you must remove your ex from your life. Unfollow your ex on social media and tell friends and family not to tell you what’s going on in your ex’s life. You shouldn’t know what your ex is doing, especially if your ex is blaming you for your and his or her mistakes.

As long as you feel rejected, it’s safer for you to block your ex out of your life and socialize with people who support you. Spend time with anyone but your ex. It will help you recover emotionally and encourage you to see that your ex doesn’t deserve you anymore.

Did you learn why the dumper blames the dumpee after a breakup? What do you suggest the dumpee should do to avoid pain and suffering? Comment below and let us know.

And if you’re looking for additional explanations for your ex’s decisions and behavior, reach out to us after subscribing to private coaching.