A closure conversation after the breakup isn’t needed, but it’s important. A closure talk can make your detachment and healing process much easier and faster. That’s because it can give you clarity about why the relationship ended, stop you from blaming yourself excessively, encourage you to invest in yourself, and prevent you from making the same mistakes in the future.
All dumpees should have a closure conversation on the day of the breakup. But unfortunately, many don’t. By the time the breakup occurs, their exes are already exhausted from delaying the breakup and pretending everything’s fine. They don’t want to have any relationship or breakup discussions as all they want is to run away from their dumpee and focus on things that distract them and make them happy.
By focusing on themselves, they don’t have to feel interrogated by their ex and be reminded that they broke a commitment and hurt their ex. They can just worry about their own problems and feel extremely relieved and in control of their lives.
So if you got broken up with and feel that you need to have a relationship closure conversation with your ex very badly, know that you should never beg for closure. Closure is something that should be given to you by your ex out of kindness and understanding.
If your ex doesn’t give it to you willingly when you express the desire to talk and ask questions, he or she likely feels victimized and smothered and doesn’t understand or care about what you’re going through.
Your ex lives in a world where his or her problems and feelings come first – way before yours. You may have been the most important person in your ex’s life up until the breakup, but that changed the moment your ex started fantasizing about being alone and lost feelings for you.
While you still had plans for the relationship, your ex was already doubting the relationship and consciously or subconsciously entertained the idea of separating from you and perhaps even dating someone else.
Many dumpers seem to turn into different people after the breakup, but that’s not the case. The truth is that they merely appear different because they no longer need their exes. They’re fine without them, so they feel uncomfortable when they interact with them.
This means that getting closure from someone who detached emotionally and stopped caring about your well-being is not going to happen. Every time you try to talk about the relationship, you’re going to pressure your ex and make him or her lose more patience and respect. Eventually, your ex could start to resent you and maybe even tell others you’ve been desperate and in denial.
If you don’t stop bothering your ex, you could push him or her to get angry and say mean things. And that could crush your sensitive heart into pieces, make you more dependent on your ex for closure, and prolong your healing.
To recover from the breakup when an ex doesn’t want to give you closure, you’ll have to find alternative ways to find answers. Those alternative ways exclude your ex and include a lot of reflecting.
In this post, we’ll talk about how to have a relationship closure conversation with your ex.
What is relationship closure?
Talking about the breakup helps in many ways. For starters, it helps you see that the person you love and care about still cares about your health and well-being. Your ex may not love you, but at least your ex is taking some time to talk to you and explain what went wrong.
Conversations about the relationship/breakup help you deal with the shock more effectively. They don’t instantly make you recover, but they don’t feel as bad as if your ex ghosted you and made you search for answers on your own. Your ex is a part of the problem, and can, therefore, help make the problem better by empathizing with you and being completely transparent with you.
Your ex can be of a lot of help. But that’s only if your ex wants to help. If your ex is annoyed by your behavior or presence and lacks empathy, you can forget about getting closure from your ex. You’ll never get it because your ex will put himself or herself before you and reject your need for answers and healing.
Your ex will become your worst nightmare and actually prevent you from getting closure (accepting the end of the relationship and allowing you to heal).
But if your ex does want to talk to you and help you, you can probably assume that your ex understands the situation and genuinely cares about your health. He or she cares about how you’re doing emotionally because your ex knows the breakup has caused you pain and considers your happiness and health his or her responsibility.
A man or woman like that will be happy to answer your questions. He or she will likely feel guilty and will simultaneously try to ease the guilt and clear his or her conscience. A little bit of guilt makes dumpers want to make things right.
A lot of guilt, however, doesn’t always have that kind of effect. Oftentimes it makes (depressed, cowardly, or overwhelmed) dumpers run away because they feel that they’ve made things worse and that they can’t make things better as fast and effortlessly as they want.
Such dumpers could fear confrontation and lack what it takes to take the high road.
Rather than helping you, they could run away from difficult emotions and try to stop feeling guilty by cutting you off completely. This is how they can distance themselves from their mistakes and flaws and force themselves to think about them less often.
Of course, not all dumpees distance themselves because they feel guilty. Only the most self-conscious and overwhelmed ones do that. Regular dumpers get space because they feel suffocation, anger, and other negative emotions caused by the breakup.
My advice is to talk to the dumper if he or she offers you closure or invites you to reach out whenever you’re struggling. Understanding what went wrong will help you process the breakup much quicker than pondering about what you did wrong and obsessing over the breakup.
Just make sure to ask questions that help you put the pieces together rather than guilt-tripping and making your ex feel uncomfortable. You may feel like unloading on your ex and making your ex regret hurting you, but if you do that, your ex probably won’t like it.
And if your ex doesn’t like it, chances are that your ex will respond in a similar fashion – in a way that you don’t appreciate.
With that said, here’s what a relationship closure conversation can do for you as a dumpee.
What to say in a closure conversation?
If your ex is receptive and willing to give you closure, try to set your hurt feelings aside and ask things you need to ask.
Some of the things you should consider asking are:
- What made you break it off now and not sooner?
- How long have you felt that way?
- What did you mean when you said …?
- Do you have any suggestions on what I should work on?
- What do you expect to happen now that the relationship is over?
The last question is very important so that your ex doesn’t keep messaging or calling you after the breakup. Contacting you could give you a lot of hope and make you very confused. So much so that you start thinking your ex may still love you and want to be with you, but that your ex is too scared to give the relationship another try.
That would be the opposite of closure as it would delay recovery.
You should also avoid asking things like, “Are you seeing anyone, who is that person that keeps texting you, did you cheat on me, why are you ignoring me?” These questions may be too confrontational and accusational and probably won’t encourage your ex to tell the truth. On the contrary, they’ll likely cause your ex to become defensive.
Besides, you probably aren’t ready to hear that your ex is seeing someone else and planning a future with that person. It’s better for you to hear that your ex stopped prioritizing the relationship and lost feelings for you because your ex didn’t have the right mentality. That is the truth you need to hear whereas the details could cause you unnecessary suffering.
Throughout the closure conversation, encourage your ex to be honest with you and thank your ex frequently. That will make your ex feel safer and less afraid to tell you the truth. There’s no guarantee that your ex will be entirely honest with you, but you don’t need to know everything anyway. You just need to understand (or think you understand) what killed the relationship so you can pull away and detach.
Once you understand why the breakup happened, you should leave your ex alone. You don’t need to keep talking to your ex just because your ex might be okay with it. You’ll be able to heal much quicker if you distance yourself from your ex after you got closure.
Closure is an act of closing the relationship, not transforming it into friendship or friendship with benefits. Dumpees who try to be friends when they’re still seeking answers tend to suffer more and longer than those who follow a strict regimen of indefinite no contact.
This is because their ex keeps pulling them in and pushing them away, making them even more attracted.
So if you haven’t started no contact yet, start it as soon as you’ve gotten answers from your ex. If your ex treated you badly and/or appears completely unreceptive to anything you say or do, on the other hand, then that only leaves you with one option.
To get closure on your own.
How to get closure on your own?
It’s easier to get closure with your ex’s help, but, unfortunately, not all dumpers are so mature and in control of their emotions that they’re happy to offer closure on a silver platter. Many dumpers develop negative perceptions of dumpees and want nothing to do with them anymore.
They just want to forget about their exes and enjoy their lives as much as possible.
If your ex doesn’t want to give you closure, rest assured that you can get it without your ex’s help. All you need to do is write down your ex’s breakup behavior and figure out why your ex would act the way he or she did.
If your ex was angry and resentful, you can tell your ex failed to deal with negative emotions successfully and allowed anger to control his or her ways of thinking and perceiving. And if your ex ghosted you, cheated on you, or did anything unhealthy you can think of, you can deduce that your ex was a coward who acted on fears or temptations and showed you that he or she lacks moral values.
To get to the bottom of the breakup, journal your thoughts and feelings as often as you can. This won’t just help you find closure, but also allow you to handle separation anxiety better. The key is to be rational and keep journaling until you emotionally determine the cause of the breakup and come to terms with it.
It will take some time to accept that the relationship is over (at least for now), but that’s what makes breakups so hard. It’s the uncertainty that gives dumpees so much pain and anxiety.
Are you thinking of having a relationship closure conversation with your ex? What do you wish to talk about with your ex? Share your plans in the comment section below.
And if you want to get some explanations for your ex’s behavior from us, click here to learn about our coaching services.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.
I never had closure my ex never give it as gesture after a long relationship he was just victimized.
my ex lived in a world where his problems and feelings come first
Thank you Zan for opening my eyes ❤️
Hi Linda.
Your ex indeed put himself first. I’m glad you realize that now as he doesn’t deserve you.
Best,
Zan
In general I’ve heard trying to have a ‘closure’ conversation sometimes after the breakup is usually a bad idea. At the point of breakup you might get some. And usually if you do some honest self reflection you can start seeing when things started going wrong and discover some of the mistakes you may have made.
I think part of that is because many dumpees are hoping to get back with their ex and they use a ‘closure’ conversation as an excuse to try to get back with their ex. It may not even be deliberate but the mind can trick you into convincing yourself of something it’s not. Then if you happen to get closure you realize later, crap, that’s not what I really wanted. So don’t seek a closure conversation unless you really want closure, that you never want to see your ex again basically.
And Zan noted your ex may not want to chat with you at all. That’s probably the more likely scenario. At the end of the day if you really do an honest self reflection, you will discover your own answers. You don’t need to know every last detail, just the broad strokes about mistakes you might have made. Besides, do you really want your ex to tell you what you did wrong? It could be a bit embarrassing.
Hi Damian,
I meant mostly bringing it back to rain on the ex.
At the breakup, dumpees tend to be apologetic, blame themselves, and perhaps take more than their fare share of responsibility.
But afterwards they could realize that the ex was backstabbing them, for example by developing a backup plan during the relationship and so on.
So it’s not about talking to the ex to find out about your own mistakes. It’s to call them out. And yes, it would probably be only when you have lost the hope for reconciliation because the discussion would likely be harsh – but perhaps cathartic for the dumpee?
If you were the dumper, and your ex came at you with a whole bunch of drama and complaints well after the fact of the breakup, would that make you feel regretful? Would it make you feel more respect for the dumpee? Probably not. It would make you feel relieved they were no longer in your life, and it might even make you feel a bit smug that they felt compelled to bother. Your reaction to that effect wouldn’t give your ex the catharsis they were seeking. It would just make them feel worse.
Yeah I have to agree. It would also tell the dumper that you were hurt by the breakup and could make them feel more attractive than you, at least on a subconscious level. And I don’t think that was the intent of Zan’s article. I think the intent here is how it might work to help your own healing.
Now I’m personally of the opinion that seeking closure is probably a bad idea. You’re not likely to get it first of all (except maybe at the breakup itself). I think most dumpers would feel uncomfortable talking about it, and they themselves might not be able to pin down exactly why. Feelings are a funny thing sometimes. And I do think some dumpees may simply use the idea of ‘closure’ just to break no contact in the hopes of getting their ex back.
Certainly I would not seek closure if you someday want to get back to your ex.
I never got full closure. I got a little bit at the breakup. Just enough of what she said put me in the right direction and when I did some self reflection I realized the mistakes I made and am working on myself so in my next relationship, whomever that is with, I don’t make those mistakes again. And yes, she made mistakes too that I can see, but I can’t fix her mistakes. I can only fix mine. Control what you can control and that is yourself. It’s good to be aware of what your ex may have done wrong so you can be alert to it in future relationships. But don’t dwell on it too much.
Ok, went off on a bit of a tangent, but yes, using closure to call out your ex is probably a bad idea. It lets them know it’s still getting to you and they have more power over you, and as you noted it can even confirm their reasons for breaking up.
My ex broke up with me since May because of seeing another guy. after almost 2 months with no contact I found some answers and I decided to call her to talk about what/why cause our relationship break off. I also asked her similar questions above like how long have she felt stop loving me, she said recently. What she expect to happen after relationship is over she wants to be friends with me but I refuse because I think I’ll be her backup plan if her new relationship fails. I continued asking. Before she decided to break off, did you still love me and she said still little feeling on me. I wish I can see her through what is she thinking that she keeps confusing me again and again. And last I told her that she can comeback to me and she replied she does’t wanna comeback as if she expect that her new relationship going to work well. Since that day I start no contact and only focus on myself. Well, She always used to be kind and honest with me but since she started working in a new place (the guy she sees is also working there) she suddenly change. I always wonder what did that guy tell her and cheat on me like this. I hope one day she wakes up and realize what she did to me was wrong, learn her lesson and understand what I told her is logical.
Hi Kaly.
I think she already knows what she did was wrong. But she’s in love and doesn’t care. She’s infatuated with the guy wand probably talked to you just to appease guilt and give you closure. This person cheated on you, so you need to think long and hard if she’s someone you love. Right now, you’re attached to her and want her for emotional reasons, but when you detach, that will likely change. You’ll probably lose respect for her and stop wanting to be with her.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
A very relevant article.
We often hear that true closure and answers can come to the dumpees after a lot of self-reflection for weeks and even months. As we find out a little too late, the answer is not in the last breakup event itself, which could have happened in the heat of the moment and was just the last straw. However, the dumpers may often be satisfied to leave it at that or be vague about being “incompatible” and other abstract reasons.
Once the dumpee has found his/her own answers and clarity down the road while in no contact, is there any utility in then calmly engaging the dumper for this closure talk? If not for anything else, for the dumpee to stand up for himself/herself and calmly let the dumper know that they now know and are not as ignorant about the dumper as they were at the time of the breakup.
Of course it would not be a heart-warming conversation and not the type of discussion you would have if reconciliation were the goal. But once “power” is more balanced several months down the road, the dumpee can stand his/her ground and face the dumper without weakness and emotional blindness.
Hi AC.
Once the dumpee has found closure, engaging in conversation to explain things to the dumper won’t yield any worthwhile results. There is just no point in standing up to the dumper because that would be something a person does to increase his ego. And ego serves no purpose during and after the breakup. The important thing is that the dumpee understands his worth and avoids seeking his ex’s understanding of it. In other words, when you’ve fully healed, you simply won’t need to tell the dumper what you’ve realized or what the dumper should have done differently. It would be a risk to your happiness and well-being as you could receive an unwanted response.
Best regards,
Zan
I don’t remember much about the closure conversation I had with my dumpee. I do remember that it took place maybe a month after our breakup; I was the one who suggested it; I did so because I’d just learned I was moving away; we met at a coffee shop and he bought me a cookie; part of the conversation was about his abject fear of sex; and another part was about how I’d started dating casually and he hadn’t. He went no contact with me after that and stayed there, which was a great relief.
Hi Jaycie.
Giving your ex closure helped him deal with the breakup and stay away from you for good. It also made you feel relieved, so it was a win-win.
Best,
Zan