My Ex Was The Best I Ever Had. I’ll Never Find Someone Better!

One thing dumpees tend to have in common is that they think their ex was the best they ever had. They think they got along with their ex very well and that no one out there can replace their ex and make them happy.

Although it’s true that no one can “replace” their ex, what’s even more true is that they don’t have to replace their ex. People have different teachers and go through different experiences that shape their personalities, so it’s impossible to find someone exactly the same. Anyone who looks for the same kind of person is doomed to fail before he or she even starts looking.

That’s why those who look for their ex in someone else don’t consider the possibility that they might be extremely attached to how their ex was and that they’re incapable of being with anyone other than their ex until they’ve taken their rose-tinted glasses off and detached.

For most dumpees, a few weeks are not enough time to let go of their ex and move on to someone else because their ex’s departure has caused them extreme pain and made them obsessed with their ex. It made them think that they wouldn’t be hurting if their ex wasn’t important to them. They believe their ex would be someone they could move on from and forget very quickly.

But, unfortunately, that’s not how breakups work. Dumpees don’t suffer because their ex was the greatest human being of all time. They suffer because they heavily invested in their ex-partner and possibly neglected themselves in the process.

These are the two most common reasons for post-breakup anxiety and pain.

Dumpees tend to put dumpers on a pedestal and poison themselves with obsessive ex-thoughts. They get so heartbroken that they struggle to love themselves and see romantic value in other people.

This means that until they regain their emotional independence and learn their true worth, they’re incapable of moving on from their ex and focusing on themselves. They can’t do it because they’ve invested too much of their happiness in their ex-partner and stopped putting themselves first.

They invested a lot of:

• time
• emotions
• money
• and future (made plans and developed expectations)

So if you can’t stop thinking that your ex was the best you ever had and ever will have, rest assured that these kinds of thoughts are only temporary. You may think that they’re here to stay, but as time goes on, you’ll start to realize that your perception of your ex was clouded by the lack of happy hormones your ex stopped providing for you.

Once you detox from your ex, things are going to look much clearer. You’ll see that your ex had flaws like every other person and that if you can’t be with your ex that you’ll be with someone even better. With someone who won’t abandon you and cause you this horrible pain.

In this post, we’ll discuss why you think your ex was the best you ever had and why you fear that you’ll never find someone as good as your ex again.

Why do I think my ex was the best I ever had?

If you think your ex was the best romantic partner you were with emotionally and/or sexually, this is either because you haven’t been with many people or because you FEEL your ex was the best you ever had. If you feel that your ex was the best, you were happy with your ex.

You had settled for him or her and got comfortable. But just when you had lowered your guard, that’s when your ex delivered the bad news and shredded your heart into little pieces. You didn’t see the breakup coming, so you were forced to deal with rejection and all the lost hope and trust you’ve put into the relationship.

It’s not easy to just forget everything your ex had promised you over the years and all the emotions he or she had made you feel. Those promises and feelings made you happy and addicted to the way they felt. That’s why now that you don’t receive them anymore, it feels like a big part of your life is missing. It’s making you think that you’re empty inside and that whoever you interact with doesn’t click with you and make you feel the kinds of emotions your ex did.

The people you interact with now seem to be nowhere near as good as your ex even though that may not be true. For all you know, they could be much better and more capable of being with you long-term. You just don’t see it that way because you’re stuck in the past, fixated on an ex who crushed your plans for the relationship and triggered your fears and anxiety.

As long as separation pain is present, I can tell you right now that no one will be as good as your ex. No one will make you feel love-like emotions because you currently aren’t capable of receiving love from any person other than your ex. Your ex is the only one who can take your pain away and make you feel better.

That’s why you have to take a different approach, which is to stay away from your ex and heal. That’s the only way you’ll be able to learn to live without your ex and eventually open your heart to people who aren’t similar to your ex personality-wise but still manage to make you laugh and feel loved.

It will take time to reach that state of complete detachment, but time is on your side. It’s here to help you figure out what had gone wrong so you can repair the things that are in your power to repair and make sure your next relationship doesn’t suffer from the same issues.

Keep in mind that it’s normal to be in pain and stay hung up on your ex for a while because humans tend to crave connections and get attached. But if it’s been months and you’re still in denial, thinking your ex is the most perfect person for you, then you have to start doing things differently and change your focus.

You have to do whatever it takes to acknowledge your ex’s bad points and understand why the breakup needed to happen.

It’s a cliche—and a stupid one too, but all breakups happen for a reason. Dumpers leave because something or someone makes them lose sight of their partner and forces them to stop investing in the relationship.

If your ex left, your ex stopped valuing you and investing in you, too. Your ex thought and felt that single life or life with someone else was more enticing, so he or she left and felt relieved. This isn’t something you should blame yourself for, though because you can’t control how a person thinks and feels.

You can only do your part in the relationship which is to make sure the person you love has his or her basic needs met. This means you must communicate, resolve disagreements, express gratitude, and bond. How your partner perceives you, however, is not something you have much control over.

Sure, you can change or rather improve your attitude and relationship skills, but if your boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t express the things that bother him or her, he or she shouldn’t expect you to know what to do. As I’ve mentioned earlier, people are different by nature. We can’t read others’ minds and know what’s upsetting them if they don’t tell us. That’s why good communication is so important.

Anyway, the reason you think your ex was the best is probably that you think you’re not good enough. By breaking up with you and destroying your self-esteem, your ex made you feel sad and inferior. He or she knocked you down and disorientated you. Once you pick yourself up and process the breakup, you’ll see just how silly you really were for thinking that you couldn’t do better than your ex.

If you invest in yourself, I’m willing to bet that your ex will fade in comparison to the people that you meet after you’ve recovered emotionally. That’s because you’ll grow in maturity, vibrate at a much higher frequency, and attract people that consistently make you feel that they’re good for you – not just when they break up with you and make you desperate for affection.

Having said that, here are 7 reasons why you think your ex was the best you ever had.

How do I stop thinking my ex was the best for me?

You can stop idolizing your ex by stopping all the things that keep you hooked on your ex. For example, if you’re checking your ex’s social media, talking to your ex, asking friends about your ex, watching ex-back Youtube videos, and obsessively dating other people to replace your ex, you must stop doing those things.

Those things will keep your hopes up and prevent you from focusing on more important things.

Know that it’s okay to have hope and think about your ex. Ex-thoughts are completely normal and can’t always be avoided. Especially when you’re anxious and blame yourself for some of your actions that led to the breakup.

If you’re stuck at home and your friends and family can’t help you, then you must find ways to distract yourself.

Staying busy is going to help you get used to life without your ex and prove to you that you don’t need your ex to be happy. You just need yourself and lots of gratitude for the people who support you during this difficult ordeal.

You should also consider signing up for therapy. A therapist is more than just your friend. He or she will listen to your troubles, empathize with you, ease your anxiety, and give you slightly more rational responses that will encourage you to let go of someone you love who doesn’t love you.

Therapy lets you vent and make your days more bearable. If you don’t want to invest in it (which is essentially in yourself) or can’t afford it, then at the very least ask your friends and family to lend you an ear for about an hour or so a day.

Every person gets affected by the breakup differently. Use the support available to you so you can talk about the breakup when you’re in pain and focus on moving on when you’re not.

Here’s an example of a breakup plan you could follow that would gradually decrease your anxiety and help you lose hope.

This, of course, doesn’t apply to everyone. Some of you reading this will be able to delete your ex’s pictures on the spot whereas others will need months of time to lose enough hope and gather the courage to wipe your ex off your devices.

The point is that you should notice progress in your thinking and feeling. You should notice that you’re not as desperate for your ex as you were when you got broken up with and that you’re able to focus on yourself more as time goes by time.

That would indicate that whatever you’re doing is working and that you need to keep it up.

However, if it’s not working because it’s been many months and you’re still extremely obsessed with your ex, then you’re not handling your breakup as you should be. You’re not following the rules of no contact and doing everything in your power to get back on your feet.

For some reason, you’re focusing on your ex when you should be looking for ways to fall back in love with yourself.

The only exception is if you have mental disorders such as depression, panic attacks, PTSD, bipolar disorder, etc. In that case, it could take you a while longer to come to terms with the breakup and get over it. You should consider seeking medical care.

Breakups can feel like they could kill you. You need to prepare yourself for them ahead of time before you meet your partner. But if you haven’t done the work on yourself before, then this is your time to self-invest. Figure out why you feel the way you do and create a healthy detachment plan.

Whatever you do, don’t put a time frame on when you’re supposed to be fully healed. Don’t promise yourself things that are out of your control because that will only lead to disappointment. Instead, tell yourself it’s okay to take your time to heal and that you’ll get over your ex when your body and mind let you.

If you’re struggling to detach because you think your ex was the best you ever had, I strongly encourage you to start journaling your thoughts. Write down how you feel and what you like and dislike about your ex. There should be more negative traits than good ones.

If there aren’t, then you’re probably in denial and it’s too soon for this exercise. Try again in a week or two when you’ve detached a bit more.

That’s when you should start focusing on your ex’s negative traits so you can fully understand the reality of your breakup situation. Don’t put your ex down or anything like that. Just acknowledge the fact that your ex had faults and that he or she is not worth more than you.

Do this when you feel down—and you’ll soon take your ex off the pedestal.

Remember that obsessive thoughts create obsessive emotions. You need to find a way to break your obsessive thinking patterns because when you do, anxiety will finally give you a break and let you enjoy your life.

There are millions and millions of people out there who are compatible with you. Some are better suited for you than others, but the point is that you can have a great connection/relationship with many of them. I’m not sure who came up with this “soulmate, one and only concept,” but there is no such thing as there being only one right person for you.

It’d be nice if there was because that would make your love life look like a fairytale—but let’s be realistic. If you’ve found the one for you, that’s good. It means you were able to make it work with that person and that you’re grateful for it.

However, if you haven’t found your special someone yet and are still looking, then that’s okay too. Take the time to get over your ex first so you can then attract a new, stronger, and more fulfilling person into your life.

Are you still in your lalaland, thinking your ex was the best you ever had and will have? Let us know what you think below the post and we’ll get back to you shortly.

However, if you prefer to talk 1-on-1 with us, consider signing up for our breaking coaching.