What Should I Do If My Girlfriend Is Talking To Her Ex-boyfriend?

If your girlfriend is talking to her ex-boyfriend, try not to get too upset at her. Women find guys’ impulsive, jealous, controlling, and demanding behavior extremely appalling. They find it so repulsive that they often lose respect for their boyfriend and fall out of love and leave him.

If you don’t want that to happen, you have to control your negative emotions and not react in ways that show you’re insecure, weak, and emotionally dependent on your girlfriend. You have to remain strong and secure despite her talking to a guy she used to be in a relationship with.

Don’t get me wrong; you don’t need to accept that your girlfriend is talking to her ex-boyfriend and tolerate it like an obedient puppy. You especially don’t need to do that if your girlfriend is crossing the line with her ex-boyfriend and doesn’t see or care that she’s hurting you.

You may be a man, but you have feelings too. And if she doesn’t care about them and threatens your health and well-being, this person is not on the same side as you. She may be oblivious as to what is going on, but she’s a danger to your emotional health.

The only way you can fix that and start feeling more relaxed around her is if you stand up for yourself and show her that her ways of thinking aren’t in line with yours. You have to show her you’re putting yourself first and that if she doesn’t see and care that she’s hurting you that you’ll be forced to do something about it.

Something that she may regret later down the line.

Threatening people and giving them ultimatums is generally not a good idea because it corners them and makes them want to defend themselves. Unless they’re just ignorant about your suffering, there’s a high chance that they’ll once more fail to see things from your perspective and refuse to change the things they need to change.

So don’t think that making your girlfriend choose between you and her ex-boyfriend is always a good idea.

It should be your last-ditch effort to save the relationship. If she doesn’t get scared when you make her choose and decides to keep talking to her ex-boyfriend, then that’s it. There’s nothing else you can do that will encourage or force her to care about you and see things from your point of view.

That’s when leaving is the only option.

But don’t worry. There are a few other things you can try before you hit her with an ultimatum. We’ll discuss those things throughout this article.

Why is my girlfriend talking to her ex-boyfriend?

Although your girlfriend probably doesn’t have feelings for her ex-boyfriend, that’s not the problem. The problem is that she’s speaking to him when she should be prioritizing you and caring about your feelings. She’s focusing on the guy she used to be intimate with even though she knows that her behavior is making you uncomfortable (possibly scared and threatened if you were betrayed in the past).

Your girlfriend doesn’t understand that talking to an ex for no reason while in a new relationship is wrong and that her job as your girlfriend is to make sure you feel secure, calm, and that you can trust her. If she doesn’t do that, she doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

She has hers because in her mind, it’s okay to talk to exes and have close relationships with them. She thinks she has the right to do what she wants because she’s a grown woman who can make her own decisions.

You see, the main issue here isn’t that she’s talking to her ex while she’s with you. It’s that she doesn’t realize or care that her actions are affecting you emotionally and possibly making you doubt your place in her heart.

The reason why she’s talking to an ex-boyfriend probably has something to do with the fact that they’d gotten over each other and spent a lot of time together. They got used to talking and probably became friends or best friends.

The guy is now a part of her social life, which is why she’s so against ceasing communication with him. She considers him to be a reliable source of entertainment and support and probably considers your remarks about him to come from a place of jealousy and possessiveness.

Although that is probably true to some degree, you need to understand that if she truly thinks you’re jealous, she should be the first person to do something about it. She should ease your worries and assure you that she’s faithful to you no matter how worried and doubtful you are.

Your girlfriend should do this by being completely honest with you about her relationship with her ex and letting you know that you can trust her. She could start by giving you access to their conversations and perhaps even suggest including you in them.

That’s one of the solutions to your problem. It would require emotional strength and compromise on both ends, but it’s something.

Another possible reason why your girlfriend frequently talks to her ex is that she needs to talk to her ex. If she has kids, loans, or something important to discuss with him, it’s essential that she communicates and resolves those matters.

Speaking with an ex after the breakup isn’t always easy. But sometimes it’s necessary for an ex-couple so they can stop depending on each other and start living their own lives. If your girlfriend only occasionally talks to her ex, you should try to find out why she talks to him or why she needs him.

She will probably tell you that they’re peacefully resolving their post-separation obligations and that healthy communication is good for the sake of children and/or them.

You’d be surprised how many ex-couples talk to each other after the breakup. Some had an amicable/mutual breakup and have no hard feelings for each other, so they respect each other and don’t mind talking to each other and hanging out.

I think it’s okay for them to do that as the chances are tiny that they’ll redevelop feelings for each other. Ex-couples tend not to go from friendship to relationship after breaking up. They normally stay friends and/or eventually fall out of touch.

The problem here is that it’s no longer just them. Now, you’ve entered the picture, which means that their situation can make you feel anxious and insignificant. That’s why you need to join hands and look for solutions together. If you love each other, you need to do whatever it takes to soothe each other’s worries and fears and do what’s best for the relationship (not you individually).

This is something many, many people (especially guys) have a hard time understanding and doing. They’re so close to their ex that they can’t put themselves in their girlfriend’s shoes and understand that their girlfriend is unhappy about their close relationship with their ex.

That’s why they tend to call their girlfriend needy, clingy, jealous, and controlling and make her feel that something’s wrong with her.

In reality, though, nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just a woman with human needs and fears.

I have a special word for men who call their girlfriends needy, jealous, and demanding. I call them boys because they haven’t developed emotional intelligence and learned to value the person who wants nothing but the best for them.

So if your girlfriend is talking to her ex-boyfriend with or without your awareness and she doesn’t care what she’s doing to you, know that she feels privileged. She thinks normal rules don’t apply to her because she’s already developed a connection with the guy (her ex)—and that you just need to accept that.

A person this closed-minded will be extremely difficult to work with. You’ll have a hard time convincing her that her actions are making you feel anxious and that she should be sympathetic and willing to do something about it.

That’s what love is. Anyone telling you otherwise has a poor understanding of it and is in a relationship just for himself or herself.

Here are a few reasons why your girlfriend is talking to her ex-boyfriend.

What should I do if my girlfriend is talking to her ex-boyfriend?

Before we talk about what you should do if your girlfriend is talking to her ex-boyfriend, we need to discuss what you shouldn’t do. You shouldn’t throw tantrums, guilt-trip, criticize, condemn, and accuse her of cheating on you. Such behaviors are going to make her feel judged and rejected and cause her to retaliate (most likely with anger because that’s what hurt people do).

If you want her to respect you and like you despite not agreeing with what she’s doing, you mustn’t throw any sharp words at her. You must show her that you’re willing to compromise and that you’re mature enough to reach a compromise.

Not everyone can handle feelings of jealousy and inferiority maturely. Many people tend to react instinctually and make things even worse. Instead of convincing their partner that they respect his or her thinking, they give off a disapproving vibe and cause distance and misunderstanding in the relationship.

Such couples don’t always find ways to make the relationship work. Oftentimes, they aren’t emotionally strong and respectful of each other’s opinions enough to come to an agreement. That’s why they argue and bicker until there’s no relationship left to argue about.

So keep in mind that how you handle this difficult situation is very important. Your attitude will make your girlfriend take offense or conversely, understand how you feel and why you feel that way.

Once you understand that how you express yourself is very important, you should politely talk to your girlfriend and figure out why she’s so close to her ex-boyfriend. If they have a business or kids together, you probably shouldn’t try to make things difficult for them. You should try to understand their situation by talking to her when she appears to be ready to have this conversation with you.

Approach this matter by saying, “I’m just wondering something. I don’t want to cause any drama, but I’d just like to know why you and your ex still talk. Is it because you became friends after the breakup?” Throwing in a question at the end will show you’re trying to understand why your girlfriend is talking to her ex rather than disapprove of it and accuse her of being a bad partner.

Once you receive a reply from her, you can then thank her by saying, “Thanks for explaining that to me. I never had a girlfriend who talked to her ex, so I just wanted to understand why you guys still communicate. It’s all good now.”

If you discern that your girlfriend doesn’t have a good reason to stay in touch with the guy—that she’s conversing with her ex-boyfriend simply because she feels like doing so, then you can proceed by telling her how you feel.

Say that you want her to talk to people (even guys) but that her talking to this particular person is giving you anxiety. If you were cheated on or betrayed in the past, you can mention that you’re not quite over that experience yet and that it’s made you a bit fearful at times. Say that your self-esteem is good (to keep her respect) and that you’d like to know if she’s okay meeting you halfway.

If she is, you can simply agree on whatever seems right to you.

You can ask her to:

• Show you the conversations with her ex
• Talk to the guy only when you’re around
• Not meet up with him in person (especially at night)
• Delete certain pictures of them on social media

These are some minor adjustments that could significantly ease your worries and doubts and improve the quality of your relationship.

If your girlfriend doesn’t want to adjust and says you’re controlling, though, then this obviously won’t work. There won’t be any compromising because she’ll want things her way. That would imply that you’ll have to accept that she’s going to keep talking to her ex, break up with her, or give her an ultimatum.

Preferably, you don’t want to give her an ultimatum because she’ll feel forced to do what you want. She won’t have a say in it, so try to achieve positive results some other way – by talking to her first. Communication is essential in a romantic relationship. It’s what makes or breaks couples.

But if communication doesn’t work because she’s stubborn and narrow-minded and you keep getting hurt because of her behavior, then you’ll have to do whatever it takes to stop that pain – even if you have to make her choose between you and her ex and risk breaking up.

Some people listen but don’t hear you. They learn their lessons and improve only when they’re forced to or when they’re in the same situation as the people they hurt because that’s when they experience the same kind of misery and have an epiphany.

Such people lack empathy, which is the ability to understand what others are going through.

I hope this article gave you some tips on what to do if your girlfriend is talking to her ex-boyfriend and hurting you. Let us know your thoughts below the post.

And if you’d like to talk about your relationship with us one-on-one, visit our coaching page for more information.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.