Updated on July 14, 2025
Sometimes, guys break up with their girlfriends because of depression. They express that the breakup is not their girlfriend’s fault and that they have some things to figure out on their own. They’re only being half honest.
They’re intentionally omitting the real reasons for falling out of love and refusing to mention their ex’s behavior or attitude that makes it hard for them to redevelop romantic feelings. I suppose telling the truth would make them feel even more depressed, as they’d hurt their partner and bring a strong, undesirable reaction out of him or her.
That’s why depressed dumpers often avoid going into too much detail.
They don’t explain that their ex has drained them emotionally and made them feel smothered or guilty for not being able to reciprocate his or her feelings and meet his/her expectations. Because they feel tired and unhappy, they often take the blame and make it seem like their partner has nothing to do with their loss of feelings, positive perceptions, and lack of investment.
They may be depressed, but if their ex hadn’t made them feel unwanted emotions, they wouldn’t have pushed him or her away. They would have expressed how they felt and looked for solutions to work together despite their mental health problems.
So if your boyfriend broke up with you because of depression, don’t immediately assume that mental health problems are his only issue. Another issue, probably an even bigger one, is that he associated unpleasant, relationship-destroying beliefs with you and let those beliefs suffocate him and ruin his feelings for you.
He allowed them to play with his head and slowly convinced himself that you were making him stressed, pressured, or unhappy. Whatever you made him feel, he decided you were responsible for it and that he didn’t want to feel it any longer. As a result, he abandoned you and focused entirely on his mental health complications.
Depression comes in many forms, so we won’t talk about all of them today. We’ll just make it simple and split them into two groups: long-term and short-term depression. If your boyfriend broke up with you because of depression he’s been struggling with for months or longer, his depression can be considered long-term. This likely means he gradually got tired of feeling miserable, changed his perception of the relationship, and lost the energy and will to keep fighting for the relationship.
To him, the relationship started to feel suffocating and exhausting, so he felt the need to eliminate as many stressors as possible. That was the only way he could stop investing time and energy in you and feeling pressured into doing things he didn’t want to do. Depression probably worsened when you expressed your anger, pain, and unmet wants and needs. That’s because he thought that he couldn’t meet your expectations and be the partner you wanted him to be.
That’s long-term depression for you.
However, if your boyfriend broke up with you because he’s only recently been feeling depressed and stressed, then chances are he isn’t really depressed. He’s likely just unhappy and doesn’t know how to become happy. Instead of opening up about it to you, he (secretly) blames you for it and thinks you don’t listen, care, or understand him.
Such convictions don’t mean he’s depressed and that the only way for him to be happy is to break up with you. It means that he needs to work on improving his coping mechanism, ways of expressing difficulties and pain, and staying in love even if you don’t always do what he wants you to do. Some guys are just whiners and quitters. They blame their partner or ex-partner and refuse to work on things that need work.
Such men often ditch their partner for someone else and reveal to the whole world that the reason for breaking up wasn’t their depression, but rather their poor relationship mentality. They merely used the depression as an excuse to avoid working on themselves and prevent their ex from giving them a hard time.
Who would blame a dumper when the dumper is sad, crying, and appears helpless?
In this post, we’ll discuss whether your boyfriend ended the relationship because of depression and what steps you can take to heal and gain clarity.
My boyfriend broke up with me because of depression
If your ex-boyfriend has a history of depression or a family background of it, it’s important to take his condition seriously.
You must understand that a depressed boyfriend will break up with you when he breaks down mentally and emotionally, and thinks that the breakup will help him think clearly and feel better. To him, breaking up is a self-defense mechanism and the only solution to his problems, as he assumes that pushing you away will free him of obligations and allow him to prioritize his emotional health.
And that’s exactly what breaking up does. It helps him focus on his issues and prevents him from worrying about yours. The breakup eases the pressure that comes from being committed to you and tells him that he’s once again in charge of his life.
Your ex-boyfriend doesn’t think you can help him with his predicament. He acknowledges the things you’re willing to do with him and for him, but he doesn’t want more effort from you. He feels smothered by you and thinks his most important task is to self-focus and stop feeling smothered.
The thing about depressed guys is that they don’t have much, if any, energy left to work on themselves. They may say they want to grow, but that tends not to happen because they often run away from problems and the negative emotions they connect with their ex. Dealing with difficult post-breakup issues is simply too exhausting for them, as it demands a great deal of willpower and commitment. They don’t feel the need to fix their issues because they think their ex is a big part of them.
The dumpee may not be directly responsible for his or her ex’s pain, anxiety, or depression, but the dumpee does make dumpers’ healing super difficult. Dumpers can’t heal when their ex constantly expects them to expend energy they don’t have. It’s hard for them to do that when all they want is to be okay emotionally and love themselves.
You probably didn’t do much or anything wrong, but still got broken up with. It wasn’t that you wanted too much from your ex, but that staying in his life forced him to focus on you rather than himself. Your presence and behavior (even if they were completely normal and reasonable) became too much for your ex as they overwhelmed him with expectations and unwanted feelings.
If your ex-boyfriend had a history of depression or a family background of it, it’s important to take his condition seriously. Depression makes simple things like talking, being intimate, bonding, going out, and even daily tasks feel like a burden. He can’t appreciate them while he’s obsessed with getting rid of pain and regaining emotional stability. As long as he’s depressed, confused, and easily irritated, you can’t fix his problems for him and bring him back.
So keep in mind that your depressed ex-boyfriend doesn’t want your help right now. He doesn’t even know what to do with it because your presence continues to remind him of the past and drains his limited energy. All your persistence does is tell him you want him to reach your expectations (which he perceives as demands).
He’d rather do what’s best for him and distance himself from you so he can be alone as much as possible. He might also talk to other people. Talking is therapeutic and can help him overcome his depression. Some depressed dumpers shut people out of their lives, while others draw them in. This often depends on their personality, coping mechanisms, and the severity of their depression. Extremely depressed, inexpressive ones tend to avoid social interactions (at least initially) and try to get through the storm on their own.
You’d think that a depressed person wants help, but that’s oftentimes not the case. People with depression (especially guys) tend to internalize their problems and pain. They don’t like talking about their feelings because of their upbringing, beliefs, and wish not to be perceived as vulnerable and weak.
People are instinctual
It’s not just people with depression who distance themselves from others. Injured animals tend to follow the same pattern. They prefer to be on their own because solitude makes them feel safest. When they’re alone, they can focus on things they want to focus on and not worry about other possible dangers to their health and well-being.
If you’re wondering why your boyfriend broke up with you because of depression, here’s the answer you’re looking for. It’s in your boyfriend’s nature to isolate himself and cope by withdrawing. By distancing himself from you, he’s trying to stop worrying about your needs and focus solely on his own emotional survival.
Breakups caused by depression are more common than you might think. Depression can push couples apart, but it can also bring them back together when the dumper realizes he needs help and support. It’s one of those things that can affect dumpers in both bad and good ways.
Sometimes dumpers desperately seek help, and other times they do the exact opposite. Exes who become depressed after the breakup often crave a connection with the dumpee, while those who leave because of depression usually want a lot of alone time. If your ex broke up with you because of depression or made it seem like he was depressed, it’s clear that he needs lots of space and time to self-prioritize and process the breakup.
I don’t know how much time he needs, but you’ll find out when he’s done focusing entirely on himself and stops feeling pressured, scared, or depressed.
What to do if my boyfriend broke up with me because of depression?
If your boyfriend broke up with you because of depression (and didn’t just pretend to be depressed), you need to understand that his emotional well-being meddled with his ways of thinking and slowly forced him to fall out of love. It made him think that he lacked the time, energy, willpower, and love to stay in a relationship with you—and that he needed to find happiness without you.
The easiest way for him to do that was to leave the relationship and get rid of all relationship obligations and the feeling that you weren’t satisfied with him. Your ex felt that he wasn’t good enough and that the only way he could feel useful again was to be single and feel accomplished on his own.
I know you want to help your ex-boyfriend and perhaps even get back together with him, but try to remember that he’s going through a lot right now. Getting back together with you is the last thing on his mind. At the moment, he’s set on leaving and doesn’t want to talk about your regrets, pain, and urges to reconcile.
If you express your pain and reveal how badly you need him to be happy, you’ll show him you once again want him to do something he doesn’t want to do and trigger his guilt, depression, and need for space. You’ll make him feel the kind of emotions he’s been trying to leave behind.
Sadly, more guilt and depression won’t help him feel close to you. If anything, such negative emotions will increase his longing for solitude and make him want to come back even less. Simply put, the more you reason with him and want to be with him despite him finally deciding to leave, the more you’ll trap him and exhaust him.
So treat his depressed state like you would any other breakup and take the usual steps to heal and move forward. This includes dealing with the illusion of action, which is the need to do something to make him want to be with you.
It’s in your best interest to distance yourself from him physically and leave him alone emotionally. He needs distance to escape the negative emotions that led him to break up with you. Depression or not, remember that he’s unhappy and doesn’t want to be in a relationship. You can’t change his mind just by wanting to help him.
Your presence makes his depression worse, even if your relationship expectations are completely healthy.
Whatever your ex blamed the breakup on, he doesn’t want you around. He’s probably trying to keep himself busy to avoid anything that reminds him of you. That leaves you with a clear post-breakup plan that involves following the rules of no contact and letting him come to you when or if he wants to. He’ll want to when he improves his perception of you or falls even deeper into depression and realizes that things were better when he was with you.
Here are my simple instructions on what to do when your boyfriend breaks up with you because of depression.
If your ex-boyfriend decided to protect himself from getting hurt, he’s actually giving you a valuable tip, which is to protect yourself from getting hurt further. You shouldn’t feel too bad and think that he’s secretly hoping for your pity and support. If he wanted that, he would have expressed a desire to talk about his problems and what he needed from you to stay in the relationship with you.
Since he isn’t doing that, focus on your emotional well-being rather than his. That way, you’ll exude high levels of self-esteem and self-control and show him that you understand what he’s going through. The guy needs to see that you have your feelings under control and that you won’t try to change his mind no matter what.
Initially, he’ll appreciate the space you’ve given him and feel relieved. But once he makes some emotional progress and starts feeling curious or nostalgic, he’ll probably reach out and try to learn more about you. He could ask you if you’re seeing anyone, friendzone you, or even try to get you back.
You must prepare for that moment by backing off, preserving your value, healing, and becoming the best version of yourself. You need to be emotionally healthy, confident, mature, and capable of helping your ex so you can add value to the relationship when your ex starts to question his post-breakup happiness.
Why did your depressed ex-boyfriend leave you?
It’s not uncommon to feel blindsided by a depressed boyfriend. A breakup caused by depression can be hard to predict or make sense of. One day, you’re supporting him through his stress, and the next, he no longer values your help or wants to be in a relationship.
This hurts a lot because you end up feeling used and discarded—like everything you did meant nothing, and you just weren’t good enough for him.
Before you engage in self-blame, you need to know that your ex-boyfriend left because he couldn’t communicate his problems and work on his issues alone or with you. Instead of learning more about depression and how unregulated depression can destroy commitment in the relationship, he acted on his negative feelings and pushed you away.
He decided that the best way to deal with his smothering emotions was to run away from them and not deal with them at all. Such behavior is no different from an ordinary dumper’s behavior. It’s what dumpers do to avoid dealing with a highly emotional situation that they lack control over.
The only difference is that depressed dumpers blame the breakup on their depression, whereas normal dumpers don’t. Emotionally healthy dumpers tend to make excuses, blame their ex, or just explain why things happened the way they did.
The most important thing you need to understand about breakups caused by depression is that they don’t happen overnight. If your boyfriend broke up with you because he’s depressed or unhappy, you can be certain he didn’t make that decision impulsively. His unhappiness had been building up for days, weeks, or maybe even longer.
At some point, he started thinking, “If I break up with my girlfriend, I can finally start focusing on myself instead of having to worry about her problems and needs. I can be free and spend more time on things that interest me and make me feel good.”
That’s why he started to crave a life without you and eventually detached completely. He went solo and began his recovery process.
Depression-driven breakups are preventable. But because many people lack the tools and willpower to properly address their feelings, they often handle them passively and let things spiral out of control. When they lose their feelings and the motivation to fix things, it’s usually too late to undo the damage done to the relationship. The only thing left to do is to break up and obtain the benefits the breakup provides.
Try to understand how he feels
It might be hard to put yourself in your ex’s shoes, but try this: imagine a part of your body, let’s say your shoulder, is hurting badly, and your boyfriend is trying to help. No matter what he does, he just can’t make it better.
Weeks go by, and the pain hasn’t disappeared. As a matter of fact, it’s only gotten worse because now you’re frustrated too.
Because of the pain that’s been bothering you for weeks, you’re starting to project your frustration onto your boyfriend. It’s not his fault, but the pain is making you feel irritated, forcing you to act out of character. You have no idea when (if ever) the pain will stop. You just know that relationship issues are making things worse and that you want to feel understood rather than ignored and annoyed.
Depression works the same way. It often consists of unexpressed emotions that build up over time. Eventually, as those repressed feelings grow stronger, a depressed person starts pushing people away—especially those close to him who can help him. He does this because those close to him come with expectations, requests, and sometimes even demands.
They want him to act a certain way, even though he’s dealing with a lot of problems at the same time and can’t meet their expectations.
As a result, he concludes that he’s better off on his own and that he needs to run away from people to focus on himself. And that’s what he ends up doing because running away lifts the burden of overwhelming responsibilities and gives him a sense of relief.
If your ex-boyfriend broke up with you because of depression, he clearly stopped valuing you and the relationship. This happened because he lacked the strength and willpower to resolve his problems before they became unresolvable. He didn’t take his mental health problems seriously and, as a result, developed the belief that you were stopping him from dealing with his pain and being happy.
What he didn’t know is that you were just being the same old you and that he fell out of love due to self-neglect and lack of action.
Will my ex come back when he’s not depressed anymore?
In theory, once your ex feels better, he should once again start thinking clearly. He should understand that you weren’t the main cause of his issues and feel ready to receive and give love. He may not necessarily come back to you for love because he might not let go of old perceptions of you.
But if he dates other people and fails, he might get hurt again and need someone to help him get through rejection.
Eckard Tolle, best known as the author of The Power of Now, said, “Pleasure is always derived from something outside you, whereas joy arises from within. The very thing that gives you pleasure today will give you pain tomorrow, or it will leave you, so its absence will give you pain.”
What Eckhart means is that people often rely on external sources for happiness—and your ex probably will too. He, too, will try to be happy by focusing on external things, such as other people’s validation. But when something bad happens (not implying that it will), he could want someone to help him feel whole again.
That someone could be you, provided he still likes and respects you.
Having said that, here’s a picture explaining the difference between internal and external happiness. Remember that many people rely heavily on external factors for happiness. They don’t have the tools or mindset to create it from within. And that makes them susceptible to stressors.
There’s no guarantee that your ex will come back after he’s dealt with depression and things that stress him, but if he starts dating again and gets hurt (or gets hurt in some other way), he could seek solace in you and try to obtain your validation.
It’s unlikely he’ll come back just because he’s no longer depressed. That’s because he will likely still hold on to the negative thoughts and emotions he associated with you days or weeks prior to the breakup. To come back, he’ll need to stop blaming you for his unhappiness and take accountability. That could happen when his self-esteem takes a dive.
So don’t think that he’ll run back to you the moment he feels better. He’ll most likely need a good incentive to respect you, love you, and want to be with you again. In other words, something or someone will have to open his eyes the hard way and make him nostalgic.
Did my boyfriend use depression as an excuse to break up with me?
“My boyfriend broke up with me because of depression” is not the only excuse dumpers use. I’ve heard just about every breakup excuse there is—and I can tell you that this one is a doozy. It’s different from other excuses because it’s tricky to understand and hard to respond to.
It makes you feel powerless and gives you nothing to work with. All you can do is accept the breakup and hope that your ex finds the help he needs.
As a dumpee, you likely can’t tell whether your ex-boyfriend is telling the truth or if he’s just unhappy with you and wants to get rid of you/replace you. You need to look at the signs of depression in order to know whether he’s truly depressed.
Here are some common signs of depression.
Judge him by his pre-breakup and post-breakup behavior. If he’s acting differently now (going out, partying, meeting new people, dating again, or sleeping around), he most likely isn’t depressed. He’s just relieved and elated and is going through the stages of a breakup for the dumper.
But if he’s avoiding people, blaming himself, eating irregularly, and missing out on sleep, then he’s likely dealing with genuine depression and needs a lot of understanding. Take a look at his breakup or post-breakup behavior, and you’ll know whether he tricked you into believing things outside of his control prevented him from staying with you.
It’s not you, it’s me!
If your boyfriend pretended to be depressed, you need to know that he used a very common “It’s not you, it’s me” excuse.” He fooled you into pitying him and leaving him to his devices so he could do whatever he wanted to do.
“It’s not you, it’s me” is a cowardly excuse dumpers use to prevent dumpees from blaming them for the breakup and making things difficult for them. They use it to calm their exes down an avoid bringing a negative reaction out of them. A reaction that could make them feel bad for leaving and causing immense suffering.
If your ex is going out a lot, sleeping with other women, and having a good time, he obviously isn’t depressed or having a hard time coping with stress. He’s just enjoying the space the breakup provides and is going to keep doing that until he stops feeling empowered by the breakup.
Whatever he does or doesn’t do, try not to take it personally. Try to forgive your ex (as hard as it may be) and avoid prying into his life by focusing on yourself and your loved ones. Soon, you’ll regain your strength and realize that your ex’s life no longer concerns you. It stopped concerning you when your ex gave up on you.
Here’s how you can tell if your ex-boyfriend is telling the truth.
- Observe his actions. Do they match his words?
- Does he appear sad and depressed after the breakup?
- Is he dating anyone or talking to other women?
- Is he saying bad things about you?
- Does he still talk to you or at least try to?
- Is he getting the help he needs?
- What’s he doing to overcome depression?
By asking yourself these questions, you’ll have a better understanding of what’s going on inside your ex-boyfriend’s head and whether he’s depressed or merely faking it to get space and alleviate his guilty conscience. Although it probably won’t help you get him back, it will give you some clarity and perhaps even closure.
My boyfriend broke up with me because of my depression
Let’s reverse roles for a minute. If your boyfriend broke up with you because of your depression (not his), all I can tell you is that you deserve better. He proved he didn’t care about you when you needed him the most, so he doesn’t deserve you at your best either. He’s not someone you can count on when you need help and feel hurt. That says a lot about your ex, so remember it whenever you struggle to cope with the breakup.
Tell yourself that your ex broke up with you due to a lack of emotional strength and empathy, rather than your personality and insecurities.
I know it can be hard to uplift someone going through depression, but that’s not a reason to walk away. It’s an opportunity to help, get closer to your partner, and make him feel grateful for life. He’ll value you more when you offer him a shoulder to lean on during his most difficult times.
And most people have multiple difficult times. They fall into depression at least once in their life. When they do, they need support, not abandonment.
I’ve seen this happen many times, and it’s honestly very sad. Depression puts additional weight on a relationship and makes couples struggle to stay emotionally connected. More often than not, the stronger person eventually loses respect for the depressed person and thinks of him or her as a burden.
Of course, this doesn’t happen all the time. Many overcome challenges even when both partners are dealing with depression. Mature couples support each other through emotional struggles because they’ve made a commitment to stay together and understand that life isn’t always rainbows and sunshine.
Sometimes life hands us lemons, forcing us to use our knowledge and strength. We should consider depression a test of commitment and perseverance.
People who leave you when you’re depressed aren’t worth your time
Unlike happy, mature couples, selfish boyfriends tend to do what’s best for themselves. They leave their partners at their lowest and run off to enjoy life on their own terms. They justify the breakup by saying or thinking that life’s too short to waste it on someone who holds them back.
Such people don’t deserve your care, and neither should you ask for theirs. A dog or a cat will probably give you more comfort and security than someone who finds it painfully hard to support his or her partner through tough times.
People tend not to care unless it affects them personally. And it affects them personally when they’ve been taught from an early age to help others, or when they experience difficulties themselves and learn that they need to help struggling people.
If your ex left you because of depression, you need to understand that he’s not your ideal partner. He can’t be one because someone who leaves when you’re struggling emotionally is in the relationship strictly for the good times. He’s happy when everything’s fine and unhappy or miserable when he can’t get what he wants from you. That makes him a user who only values the relationship when it benefits him.
Always remember that people who care about you will stay in your life and come to your aid. They’ll be there for you whether you ask them or not. Those are real friends/valuable romantic partners. They’re the people who truly have your best interests at heart—and they’re more than willing to show it by being there for you when you’re feeling down.
I understand that sometimes depression can change the dynamics of a romantic relationship. But leaving a person when he or she is going through something as difficult as depression is unacceptable. Not unless that person is aggressive. But then again, depressed people tend not to have the will to fight. They usually avoid fights and seek acceptance and support.
Think long and hard before you get back with an ex-boyfriend who broke up with you because of depression. Think about his personality and ability to support you long-term. Once you’ve done that, you’ll know whether he truly deserves your time, affection, and commitment.
Did your ex-boyfriend break up with you because of depression, and you’re wondering why he did that? Share your thoughts below. ⬇️
And if you want to discuss your breakup with us in private and want a faster, more detailed response, check out our coaching options here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
My boyfriend broke up with me on Sunday and I can’t stop crying.
We were both survivors of abusive relationships but only I was dealing with the trauma. My trauma was far more recent and his was years old – ontop of that he was dealing with some other personal problems which he asked me to be understand and considerate of, and I was.
I gave him everything and got very little in return. He kept disappointing me by canceling plans last minute and when I finally communicated my disappointment, which we agreed to do, he said I triggered him and caused his anxiety to raise everytime I messaged him. – the thing was he could happily text me when he was horny or just for general speak.
I had a traumatic run in with my ex abusive parenter and needed him. He proceeded to hang out with his friends and cancelled on my twice in a weekend – even the make-up plans he made.
When we broke up he told me the break up was neither our faults, that it was our trauma and he just couldn’t meet my needs, that all he did was hurt me and I deserved better than him. It crushed me because I love him still and wanted to make things work.
He told me we could still be friends but I don’t want that, I told him we couldn’t be. I love him too much to watch him move on with someone else, that want him to be happy but I can’t watch it.
We had planned our future together, about getting an apartment and maybe having kids. My heart aches so deeply and I want him back, but I really don’t know if that’s a possibility.
He could be so selfish and inconsiderate to the point that he did hurt me with his actions, but I always put it down to his own trauma.
For example, he was friends with a childhood bully of mine who really tortured me and he just couldn’t seem to understand why that hurt me. I never asked him not to be her friend just not to bring her up because it brought back a lot of trauma for me. He could never out me first, no matter how much I gave I got nothing in return.
There were times he triggered my trauma too, but I was able to forgive him for it but he says he still hasn’t forgiven me.
I feel abandoned let down – but to hear him sobbing and telling me I deserved so much better than him, that he couldn’t give me what I wanted – even though all I ever asked for was his time – broke my heart.
I want him to be happy and to heal. I want back what we had. I want him back, but I also don’t want to throw anymore good time after bad.
I’m so confused and hurt and don’t know what to do. We’ve only been broken up two days and we’ve gone NC.
I’m in so much pain.
I realised this was recent – I experienced the same just a couple of weeks after you and knew exactly how you felt. In my case my ex associated me with negative memories relating to issues with his son. I was not a perfect stepmother and it ruined his love. Rationally I knew the breakup was a good decision as it shocked me to realise at the same time I was also experiencing a level of depression due to parents being unwell – I never asked for support from him, and felt constantly annoyed as I let his problem take the centre stage. As a result I continued to stay isolated from most people and could be a weight on his shoulder. Despite this understanding I still could not help feeling he was being selfish for not talking things through first. After the breakup he still asked if I was ok and I started opening up on my issues and told him I was also guilty of bottling up issues, was not in the right space to handle his son’s situation better and isolated myself and slowly becoming a weight on him. After I got these thoughts out of my chest I knew I had to move on.I know I am doing all the right thing now – I have exercised regularly; I have decided to get out of my bubble to get a job again to be involved with people/society; I have decided to refresh my wardrobe and look to feel good again about myself. I could sleep and eat better now and could enjoy movie/books. In my heart though there is a very big hole. I wish I can give you a hug because we all need it. I wish you are doing very well now after 20 days. Time does help – just a bit too slow.
I have been writing a journal on everything that happened from the day, how I felt and what my thoughts were in details. I found this method quite useful to minimise the chance of my mind filled up by the same thoughts all the time – it helped me to be less confused, and could progress even though the pain would take a long time to heal. I really feel like talking to someone who is in the same shoes to feel better although I don’t know if that would make both feel better. I don’t want to go out to date because that is simply wrong although I do feel the need to talk – it is a dilemma.
This article is very helpful. Thank you Zan – it helped me to see why he did not try to have a talk to get through issues first. He just knew he couldn’t bear it. This understanding does not help me to fill the hole in my heart though, so sad.
Hi T.
Before you even think about being in a relationship with your ex or anyone else for that matter, you should heal your trauma. This should be your priority other wise your partner is going to make you anxious and force you to overinvest in him and the relationship. You need to realize that a big portion of the pain you feel comes from an unprocessed past and that the worst thing you could do right now is to get involved with another person. I know that’s what your emotions are telling you to do, but it’s not right.
You need to heal before you consider being in a romantic relationship. The same is true for your ex. So stay in no contact, get therapy, and do your best to get over your ex. Things will make much more sense when you regain emotional independence.
Kind regards,
Zan
Dear Zan,
Hope you are keeping well! Your blog & articles truly helps me find my way during these tough times.
My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me a month ago. Everything was going well in our relationship, occasional fights here & there but nothing truly significant. We love each other & I was honestly shocked when he blindsided me with a breakup. He was diagnosed with clinical depression a year ago because of a suicide attempt. His friends had taken him to a psychiatrist & has been on medication ever since! He also had mentioned his friends not to tell me or his family about this suicidal attempt. Ever since I found out about this, I’ve been more understanding of his issues & whenever I ask how he’s doing, he doesn’t like sharing his thoughts or concerns regarding his depression with anyone (not even family). Before the breakup, he ghosted me for a week almost & told me he needs to think about things. I thought he might be depressed so I brought him flowers & food almost everyday although he didn’t want to talk to me; he’d barely looked at me in the face. Over the phone, he broke up with me. He told me exactly this – “I can’t do this anymore, I’ve hit my lowest point. Our relationship feels like a burden to me now. It’s not your fault I promise it’s me. You deserve so much better, you’ll be thankful that I’m leaving you.” He was crying while saying this to me. He also said that the breakup was something he had not thought about earlier, but since a few days only. I kid you not, I felt like my entire world shattered. I thought our love was stronger than this, it’s so crazy. I got to know through his friends that he has now focused more towards religion & has also mentioned that relationships aren’t working for him at all. I also found out that he had stopped medication prior to the breakup because he felt like they weren’t working as he has started getting suicidal thoughts again (he has also written suicidal notes recently, however I’m not sure if this is true or not).
It’s difficult to face a breakup on its own but to also see the man you love go through so much pain hurts more. I wish I could help him, I wish we could be the happy us that we used to be. But I know it’s not possible & it truly hurts. I spoke about this to his psychiatrist as well as his parents. Advised his mum to take him to therapy too! I just don’t know how I can help him because when I did go see him & call him even after the breakup, he didn’t pick up my calls or reply to my messages. He also said he doesn’t want to be friends or see me frequently because that’ll just make moving on harder for him. I have been in no contact since 2 weeks now.
My question to you dearest zan is,
1) Should I be present for him during his hard times as a friend? I know that depressed people tend to push others away but I feel awful for leaving him in such a state.
2) Is there any chance he’ll be back? Does he miss me? I’m scared he will move on from me during no contact & that’ll be the end of our story for good.
3) Do depressed people go through the same stages of dumper’s remorse as others?
4) How do I move on from a relationship that was truly amazing & just broke off due to circumstances?
Sorry for the long message! I’m thankful for your time. Take care!
– Tharu
Hi Tharu.
I responded to you on the other article you commented.
Best,
Zan
Where can I find this answer? My situation is very similar
Hi Stephanie.
You can find my response to Tharu here.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hello, my boyfriend broke up with me yesterday due to depression. He has been depressed for a long time (pretty much our entire relationship which was 2.5yrs) and told me that after I had been gone travel nursing (1 solid month apart) he just spiraled so deep that he didn’t even know if he loved me anymore (he said he just didn’t feel anything about anything). Said all the things I’ve read here like “ it’s really not you” and “I just need to be by myself”. This whole time I thought we were endgame so I am devastated and was so blind sighted. I’ve been there for him this whole time but he never once got help. It’s difficult to read that he has associated me with negative feelings like stressors but it also helps me to understand how we got here. I wish that he felt the way I did (that we can weather any storm together) but this blog will help me to keep looking forward and to let him go. I desperately wish he had gotten help or spoken to me before he decided our relationship was too much work but I also am so angry because it feels like he didn’t fight for us in any kind of way.
Hi Hannah.
I apologize for being so frank, but people with depression don’t just have problems with themselves. Because they have problems, they often look for negatives in others and by doing so, ruin their own relationships. Try to accept that he left because he neglected himself and then also you and the relationship.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi there. My boyfriend broke up with me the other day because of depression. He said he wants to focus on himself and getting back on track. I knew he was depressed, but he didn’t want to admit it for a while. We almost broke up in July but decided to try to work on things. He told me the other day he started to feel bad again recently and he needs to take a break and that he didn’t want to do this because he knew how much it would hurt me and it made him so upset. I know he really cares about me. He told me he didn’t treat me the way I should be treated and I don’t deserve that because I’m an amazing person. And that it was never my fault at all or anything I’m doing. And I also deal with depression but have been getting help and I know how he feels in a way, but I know how to talk about feelings and when things bother me, he doesn’t. I learned a lot of depressed men don’t because they don’t ever really learn how to open up about their feelings. It breaks my heart. I just want him to be happy and I wish I could help him. I told him I’d always be here for him and how much I love him. He told me to focus on myself too and work on myself and whenever I’m sad to use that as motivation. So I’m trying to focus on myself and it actually does motivate me to get myself stable again because if we do end up together again I want to make sure I’m ready and confident and have my life together. Also, we’re 24 so we’re at that weird age where we are trying to figure out jobs and money and trying to move into apartments with our friends. So that all doesn’t help because he said it made him feel overwhelmed and that on top of all that, he didn’t have the energy to give me all the love I deserve. Is it possible he’ll come back to me when he’s feeling ready? Or when he really starts to realize how much he misses me and starts feeling better? It’s been 3 days since we last talked and we have talked everyday for 4 years. It hurts so bad, I have never felt so much emotional pain before. I miss him so much and I just wish I could talk to him and hug him 🙁 it hurts so much. If anyone else dealt with this, what happened? Did you guys talk again? How long did it take? Did you guys stay friends or start dating again? Should I message him in a few weeks asking how he’s doing? I don’t want to lose him forever, I love him so much and I just wish I could help him :((((( please help if you can.
Hi Amy.
He could come back after he’s overcome depression but don’t count on it. If his view of you changed, he might not as he’ll date other people. This is hard to hear, but you need to be aware of that possibility, Amy. Depression may seem like it’s all about him getting overwhelmed and thinking he’s not good enough, but depressed people often associate unhealthy thoughts and emotions with their ex on top of that.
For now, give him the space he needs and focus on yourself. He’ll message you if he changes his mind.
Kind regards,
Zan
My boyfriend of two months became very overwhelmed with events happening in his life that were out of his control. Financial problems and loss of job due to the pandemic. Taking a temporary job he dislikes. His mother became ill which he had to take care of her and his own medical issues. He would say he is stressed, not able to sleep. He is supporting his adult son.
We did not see much of each other face to face due to work schedules and because of the other things above. We talk or text everyday, but then his calls and text were getting father apart. We would talk and he said his son had noticed a change in him of not being happy as usual. Boyfriend mention to me he didn’t want to go to see his granddaughter because he didn’t have the energy. He adores his granddaughter.
We had a great relationship so I thought. No arguments. Just good times when we were physically together.
Our last night together was great. Then the next day he messaged me saying he thinks he needs to go back to counselling and didn’t know what was wrong.
I could see his life spinning out of control and he would say every time we talked his life is F…ed.
and would complain about everything in his life.
I made the decision to leave the relationship, I didn’t want to, but I didn’t want to add to his stress and having to worry about pleasing me. He even apologized for the relationship being one sided that he was sorry for neglecting me for 2 or 3 weeks and would do better. Which didn’t get better.
He did speak with a counsellor and the counsellor suggested he get out of any relationships he is sabotaging.
Boyfriend agreed I should walk away. He said he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore than he already has. And he can’t adult right now. He said he was sorry for things not working out and that he didn’t have the energy to try. I told him I will wait for him while he works things out. He asked me not to go to his house. We have not spoken in two weeks. I did drop a letter off at his home when wasn’t there. To express my support and I got a message to not go to his house. He has not responded to any of my texts or phone messages. I’m at a loss.
Hi Deidre.
Your ex is depressed and is taking the counselor’s advice seriously. I’m not sure why the counselor suggested that, but your ex needs to focus on improving his mental health now. While he’s doing that, it’s best that you stay away from him and give him the space he needs. Work on losing hope and let him message you if he wants to. If he doesn’t get well and improve his perception of you, you’ll move on and find happiness without him. It’s hard to see that right now, but give it some time and you’ll see.
Kind regards,
Zan
Depression often causes breakups, especially if it goes untreated. I recommend the Depression Fallout forum and the book ‘Depression Fallout’ by Ann Sheffield. Know that it is not you. It is not even them. This is what depression is and does, it breaks everything that is beautiful, loving, and good. There is a lot on Quora about ‘why does my DP push me away?’ too. Mentalhealthforum is another option. Very helpful is also storiedmind.com. All the best to all Depression Fallout sufferers. It is the most confusing experience I’ve ever had in my life.
Depression is exactly what I suspect my husband has. He lost his mum, dad, and 2 best friends all in the space of 2 years. I also gave birth 5 hours after his mum passed so I strongly believe he has a lot of emotions that hasn’t dealt with. I know from reading the articles that his decision to leave wasn’t just impulsive and despite his reasons for leaving being that he doesn’t love me anymore or see a future I believe it’s down to depression. He denies he’s depressed but I guess a lot of men do. He hasn’t spoken to anyone about the separation and carries on like nothings happening. I know I can’t fix him so I’m slowly starting to accept he may not deal with it or come back. I’m doing no contact only when I have to speak about the kids etc but he blows hot and cold and accuses me of being uncivil. I don’t give him any bother and I don’t react. I’m just so confused as the best way to be with him if it is depression. Do I just still treat him like a dumper?!
Hi Jaqs.
He’s the dumper no matter what he’s dealing with. I suggest that you talk to him only when it’s about the kids or something important. You don’t need to have small talk with him and be super friendly. You didn’t agree to this. You just accepted the end of the romantic relationship and stopped treating him as the most important person. He needs to know he’s not that person anymore and that you know your worth.
Sincerely,
Zan
How are you feeling? I’m going through the same situation.
Hi there. I’m going through the same thing. I would like to connect and talk about it 🙁 maybe we could help each other
I’m going through it right now. My boyfriend has a terrible relationship with his dad. But he almost doesn’t realize it. His dad bully’s and even choked him, constantly makes him feel like he’s not enough. And he believes him. We’ve been dating for 2 years and a few days ago he broke it off saying he needs to get mentally right and can’t sustain a relationship. I was sad for him and sad for us. Because our relationship is great. I just don’t understand why he wants a breakup not just a break and space. Because I still so badly want to be concidered his girlfriend etc. he says how he wants to be best friends and then later date but I’m so scared we won’t get to do either of those. He’s to sad to even text me back saying that seeing my name makes him feel so depressed and how unhappy he is. I wrote him an extreme long message saying all this about how much I love him and also about how I reallt badly don’t want this to be a breakup especially since we both love eachother SO much. I asked for space but when we do talk for it to be loving. And just to be able to know I’m still the person he wants to be with. But he he couldn’t read it yet because of how much he’s hurting. I sent it before I read this article anyways. I’m just hurting so bad and I don’t want him to throw away something so great. I miss him with everything I have and just a week ago I was so happy and now it all feels so bad
I’m going through the exact same thing. Week into my breakup now. If anyone wants to connect and talk through it together, I would love that because none of my friends have been through this before to really advise :/
I am going through the same thing as of last night. My heart is broken. Let me know if you want to connect and talk.
Looks like we went through this horrible experience on the exact same day. How is it going for you now?
It’s just happening to me he’s been depressed badly and been blocking and unblocking me pushing me away he’s told me he’s drinking to much and needs to love himself but he loves me he has now again blocked me
Hi Jeianne, I’ve been going through this as well. About a month into the breakup now, it was very confusing at first and it wasn’t apparent what my boyfriend wanted. To me, it feels like everything accelerated so fast and I don’t understand where his feelings went. I understand he wants to work on himself and I actually think that’s a good thing. I just don’t know how to stop missing him and start to move on. It doesn’t feel like it was time.
How are you dealing with it?
hello, i’m going through something similar. maybe we can talk privately?
going thru this right now.. a week in today and non contact with him 🙁 i’m so sad and confused… but also can’t even begin to imagine what HE is going through… this is really hard for me…
It has happened to me too. He broke up with me yesterday but wants to stay friends… I saw him on Thursday and although he was already down, it went well. He was so sweet and loving. On Sunday he was still texting me hearts… So now I’m sad and confused. I wanna stay friends but I love him so much… Would that be healthy?
Hey Lily, Alex, Jeanne
How did your stories develop since you posted here?
Thank you for sharing. How did things evolve for you?
Hey, thank you for everything you have written, reading your messages makes me realise that I am not alone in this and there are other people living the exact same thing ! I also dated a guy for six months, had a crazy connection, then he broke it off because he was depressed and lost…. he has a history of depression and grew up without a mother; he has 2 kids from a previous marriage in another country… very difficult situation but the love we felt for each other was intense. I understand why the break up happened because he has too many things to deal with. I feel heartbroken despite understanding why he is pulling away. I am in no contact, its been 2 weeks. Part of me still hopes he will come back when he sorts himself out but part of feels I should cut my losses and move on. How did things evolve for you both ? Did they ever contact you and come back ? There are a lot of stories here about the break up because of the depression (thank you so much to everyone for sharing) but does anyone have a bit more perspective on how these situations actually evolve? Thank you all.
I can relate so much to this. My boyfriend and fiance of 5 1/2 years dumped me last night. He does suffer from depression and anxiety issues and is on medication. Recently, his mother called him up and was very upset that his dad wanted to finalize the divorce with his mother and ever since then he has been distant and all. Last night he sent me a message and said ever since he talked to his mother about the divorce it scares him and he can’t marry me. He said he has thought about about it a lot and he hasn’t been truly happy for a while and doesn’t feel the same as he used to. He did say, “it’s me, not you.” Later on though he said I was a wonderful person and he doesn’t want to lose me. He said it’s been very difficult with his anxiety and depression and feels like he needs to talk to a therapist. Do you think its the depression and anxiety talking as to why he broke up with me? This came as a complete shock to me because because he talked to his mother about the divorce we were perfectly fine.
Hello,
Coming here and reading this article and all these comments, somehow makes me feel better.
I am still grieving right now and will share my story.
I am quite confused and i’m unsure what to do, how to feel, how to react, so writing it down ease my mind.
Me and my girlfriend have been in a long distance relashionship for almost 3.5 years now.
She is from the USA, and i am from France.
We met randomly through a mobile game app, it was totally unexpected and never would have we thought that we could fall in love with someone that way and so far from each other.
At first, we were just casually talking, learning about each others, spending time together everyday, for quite a while and so we basically were friend, best friends.
Then we got really close, and our feelings grew stronger and we decided to take it a step further and be in couple.
It wasn’t my first relashionship but it was my first long-distance relashionship, i was unsure back then how to handle one or if it was even possible to keep.
Ever since that day we moved on to being in couple, every single day, every single moments were the happiest and the best of my life, of our life.
Everything went for the best, and we would travel to see each other during summers and winters.
I would come to the USA, she would come to France, and vice versa.
We really loved each other from the bottom of our heart, and it would only become and grow more and more as days passed.
Even being apart, we would call, videocall, text, watch movies together, listen to musics together, play games, every single day and whenever it was possible.
Despite the timezone and our distance, it didn’t even felt like we were in different countries.
We were committed, we had goals, we had projects, we had a future together.
We spent everyday focusing on our studies, our work, while building our love, our relashionship, looking forward to that future together where we would finally be able to be together.
I was going to move there definitely with her, after we both finish our studies.
But everything, all of that, vanished this Tuesday, 3 days ago.
My girlfriend is actually going through major depression, she also think she might even be bipolar, since her mom is also bipolar.
She already was a bit depressed before this, as she has a really difficult background and childhood.
This COVID situation isn’t helping at all, it changed our life and hurt our relashionship, as we can’t visit each others and our daily life changed.
Everything in our relashionship went well, as usual, until when she started her 2nd year of college in September 2020.
She had to rent another place close to her college.
Her 5 roomates that shares the house weren’t there at all, and due to covid some of them had to cancel the lease, so she ended up paying more bills than she planned before moving.
Her life was stressful everyday since then.
She was alone in a city, with no family, no friends, no roomates, with no boyfriend close to her due to covid.
All she had was work, studies, and she had to learn to pay bills on her own, manage her money and have to worry about it.
She’s turning 20 this June, she’s quite young and have to experience and live all of this.
Even if i was still there as usual everyday for her while being separated by distance, her mental health slowly got worse.
Things between us were still the same as before, we were still loving each other and being happy, but i could tell that it was also slowly changing and getting different, and that she was changing too.
She was getting more and more in depression ever since she moved, and i really tried my best to be there for her, to show her that i care and love her, and that she’s not alone and that i’ll always be there for her, as usual and as i always did since we met.
Everything started to go downhill starting January 2021.
She would text me less, we would spend less time together, she would not reply to me and ignore me, more and more as days passed.
She would be stuck in her bed sleeping all day long, waking up to study, work, eat, then sleep.
She was always tired, feeling irritated, and i occupied a smaller and smaller space in her mind amongst all her problems and stressful and depressive thoughts, even though i tried my best to make her better and happier, but she felt more distant everyday, being colder and colder.
She is doing a psychology degree at her college, and that’s how she realized she might be bipolar and learned more about her symptoms and disorders.
I told her and made her find help and counseling, and so she went into a therapy that her college offer since March 1st, she was really looking forward to it, but it was for like 5 sessions and she told me it wasn’t helpful to her, because it wasn’t really psychologists who can prescribe medications.
It really makes me mad because this probably only made it worse, she probably feel like she can’t be helped at all and lose hope in any help, and it probably played on her mental health again since then.
We barely spoke during this month, and she told me she wanted to break up this Tuesday.
She said she doesn’t love me the same way as before, that she doesn’t feel happy anymore.
She told me it hurts her that she feels that way towards me.
She doesn’t know why she is feeling this way, she is upset because she wish she could give me a reason, she feels guilty that she is wasting my time.
She’s going through a really really hard time and that affected how she felt about a lot of things in her life.
She doesn’t know why she wake up mean and irritated towards me, and that she is afraid she will keep feeling this way and hurt me. She doesn’t feel herself.
She decided to break up because she doesn’t want to keep being with me while she can’t love me to the fullest, and hoping she won’t keep feeling this way and won’t hurt me while going through everything else that is going on in her stressful daily life.
She said she still has a lot of love for me, and care for me more than anyone else she knows, and that she still want me in her life, she wants to be there for me, and she wants me to be there for her, as we were best friends before being boyfriend/girlfriend.
She said she needs time and space to work on herself and she hopes that in time when she feels better, that we’ll try and get back together, when she’ll have a clear fresh mind.
It’s really sad and i was heartbroken that she decided that, but on the other hand i know it is for the best, i only hope she feels better and manage to heal, and be happy.
I obviously hope that we get back together after what she said, and looking back to what we had these past 3.5 years, she is truly a great person, we brought so much happinness to each other and loved each other from the bottom of our heart, we both really were looking forward to a future together.
I’m feeling sad but better as days goes on.
It’s really hard to break up in our situation, so far away from each other.
I regret i couldn’t be there in real life for her when she needed me the most during the past months and due to COVID, i couldn’t give her any physical love and reassure her, but i also know that i did everything i could, i was always there for her, and i made her the happiest girl on this world while i was her boyfriend.
We are going to look for counseling and a proper therapy with proper psychologists that can give her proper help and medications, and after that i’ll let her be and give her the space and time she needs, while still being there for her at any time and whenever she needs me.
I’ll work and focus on myself in the meantime, and will accompany her through this dark tunnel, whether it is as her best friend or her boyfriend, i’ll always be there for her and want her to be happy.
Sorry for this long long essay, but it makes me feel much better writing it down and sharing it.
Much love to anyone who is going through the same situation, we’ll all walk through this together :).
Hi Jeremy,
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s brought me a lot of strength and hope as I’m going through the same thing recently.
If I may ask, how is everything going with you and your girlfriend now?
Best,
Holly