Sometimes guys break up with their girlfriends because of depression. They express that the breakup is not their girlfriends’ fault and that they have some things to figure out on their own. But the truth is that they’re only being half honest.
They’re “forgetting” to mention why they fell out of love and what kind of behavior or attitude made it hard for them to redevelop their romantic feelings. I supposed telling the truth would make them feel even more depressed as they’d hurt their partners and bring a strong undesirable reaction out of them.
That’s why depressed dumpers don’t go into detail too much.
They don’t explain that their exes drained their energy and made them feel smothered or guilty for not being able to reciprocate their feelings and meet their expectations. Because they ran out of energy, they just take the blame and make it seem like their partners have nothing to do with their loss of feelings even though they know that’s not the case.
They may be depressed, but if their exes hadn’t made them feel unwanted emotions, they wouldn’t have pushed them away. They would have expressed how they felt and looked for solutions to work together despite their mental health illness.
So if your boyfriend broke up with you because of depression, don’t immediately assume that his only issue is his mental health. It’s also you because he associated unpleasant emotions with you and let those emotions suffocate him and affect his feelings for you.
There are many types of depression, but we won’t talk about all of them today. We’ll just make it simple and split them up into two types; long-term and short-term. If your boyfriend broke up with you because of depression that he’s had for months or longer, this can be considered long-term and means that he slowly changed his opinion of you and lost the energy and will to fight.
To him, the relationship became suffocating and tedious, so he thought he needed to get rid of as many stressors as he could. That was the only way he could stop investing time and energy in you and feeling pressured into doing things he didn’t want to do.
However, if your boyfriend broke up with you because he’s been depressed and stressed only recently, then chances are he isn’t really depressed. He could just be dealing with stress and doesn’t know how to handle his stress. Instead of talking about it, he (secretly) blames you for it and thinks you don’t listen or sympathize with him.
This doesn’t mean that he’s depressed and that the only way for him to be happy is to break up with you. It means that he needs to work on improving his coping mechanism and staying in love even if you don’t always reach his expectations.
In this post, we’ll talk about what to do if your boyfriend broke up with you because of depression.
My boyfriend broke up with me because of depression
If your ex-boyfriend has a history of depression or his family members have suffered from depression before, you must consider his depression a serious matter.
You must understand that a depressed boyfriend will break up with you when he thinks that the breakup will help him feel better. To him, breaking up is a self-defense mechanism as he assumes that pushing you away will allow him to focus on himself and prioritize his emotional health.
And that’s what it does. It helps him focus on his issues and lets him not worry about yours. That was why he broke up with you in the first place.
Your ex-boyfriend doesn’t think you can help him with his predicament. He acknowledges the things you’re willing to do with him and for him, but he doesn’t want what you have to offer right now. He feels smothered by you and thinks he should stop feeling smothered before he can work on himself.
The thing about depressed guys though is that they don’t have much if any energy left to work on themselves. They tend to run away from problems and the negative emotions they connect with their exes as solving difficult problems requires a lot of willpower and dedication. They can’t just fix everything they need to fix because they think their exes are a big part of their issues.
You’re probably not doing much/anything wrong, but staying in his life forces him to focus on you rather than himself.
So keep in mind that your depressed ex-boyfriend doesn’t want your help right now. He’s incapable of receiving it and doing anything with it because your presence alone reminds him of the past and drains his limited energy. It tells him you’ll soon want him to reach your standards and meet your needs, so he’d rather not stick around for that.
He’d rather distance himself from you (and probably others as well) and spend as much time alone as possible.
You’d think that a depressed person wants help, but that’s usually not the case. People with depression (especially guys) oftentimes internalize their problems. They don’t like talking about them because that’s how they’ve developed themselves.
People are instinctual
It’s not just people with depression who distance themselves from others. Injured animals tend to follow the same pattern. They prefer to be on their own because that way, they feel the safest.
So if you’re wondering why your boyfriend broke up with you because of depression, here’s the answer you’re looking for. It’s in your boyfriend’s nature to isolate himself and wallow in depression. By distancing himself from you, he can stop worrying about your wants and needs and focus only on his.
Breakups caused by depression are more common than you may think. Depression is so peculiar couples break up because of it and also get back together because of it (because they want help). It’s one of those things that can affect dumpers in bad and good ways.
Sometimes dumpers desperately seek help and other times they do exactly the opposite. Exes who become depressed after the breakup tend to crave a relationship with the dumpee whereas those who leave because of depression want a lot of alone time.
What to do if my boyfriend broke up with me because of depression?
If your boyfriend broke up with you because of depression (and didn’t just pretend to be depressed), his emotional well-being meddled with his ways of thinking and slowly forced him to fall out of love with you. It made him think that he didn’t have enough time, energy, willpower, and love to stay in a relationship with you and that he needed to find happiness without you.
I know you want to help your boyfriend and get back together with him, but as long as he’s depressed, he’s set on leaving. If you try to show him you care about him, he’ll feel disrespected like any other dumper and want even more space and distance.
If he’s the kind of guy who blames himself, he could also feel extremely guilty.
And guilt won’t help him feel closer to you. If anything, it will increase his need for space and make him want to come back even less. So treat his depressed state as any other breakup and take the usual post-breakup actions.
Distance yourself from him physically and leave him alone emotionally. It’s what he needs to stop feeling the negative emotions he broke up with you for.
Whatever your ex blamed the breakup on, he doesn’t want you around. He probably wants to distract himself so he doesn’t see any reminders of you. And that only leaves you with one thing to do. Follow the rules of no contact and let him come to you.
If your ex-boyfriend decided to protect himself from getting hurt, you should too. You shouldn’t feel too bad and think that he’s secretly looking for you to care about him and help him. If he wanted your pity and support, he would have expressed the desire to talk about the things he needed to stay in the relationship with you.
But he isn’t doing that. So focus on your pain rather than his. That way, you’ll exude high levels of self-control and show him that you understand what he’s going through and that you truly care about him.
Why did your depressed ex-boyfriend leave you?
It’s not uncommon to get blindsided by a depressed boyfriend. A breakup caused by depression can be difficult to foresee and interpret. One day, you’re helping your boyfriend with his stressors, and the next, he no longer appreciates your help and wants to be in a relationship.
This can be extremely painful because you feel used and discarded. You feel like your assistance was for nothing and that you’re not good enough for him.
Before you engage in self-blame, though, you need to know that your ex-boyfriend left because he couldn’t communicate his issues and work on his issues alone or with you. Instead of learning more about depression and the way it can destroy commitment in the relationship, he acted on his negative feelings and pushed you away.
He decided that the best way to deal with smothering emotions was to get space from them and not deal with them at all. Such behavior is no different from ordinary dumper behavior. It’s something dumpers do to avoid dealing with a highly emotional situation.
The only difference is that depressed dumpers blame the breakup on their depression whereas normal dumpers don’t. Healthy dumpers tend to make excuses, blame their ex, or just explain why things happened the way they did.
The most important thing you need to understand about breakups caused by depression is that they don’t happen overnight. If your boyfriend broke up with you because he’s depressed or unhappy, you can be certain he didn’t make a quick decision. His unhappiness had been accumulating for days, weeks, or perhaps even longer.
At some point, he started thinking “If I break up with my girlfriend, I can finally start focusing on myself instead of having to worry about her problems. I can be free and spend more time on things that make me feel good.”
That’s why he started to crave a life without you and detached completely.
Imagine how he feels
It might be difficult to put yourself in your ex’s shoes, but think about it this way. Imagine that your shoulder is hurting like crazy and that your boyfriend is trying to help you. No matter what he does, he can’t be of much help.
Weeks go by and the pain hasn’t gotten any better. As a matter of fact, it’s only gotten worse because now you’re getting frustrated as well.
Because of the pain that’s been hurting you for weeks, you’re starting to project your unhappiness onto your boyfriend. It’s not his fault, but the pain is making you feel frustrated, forcing you to appear out of character. You have no idea when (if ever) the pain will stop. You just know that relationship issues are making things worse and that you want to feel understood rather than ignored and annoyed.
Depression works the same way. It often consists of unexpressed emotions that build up over time. Eventually, as the intensity of repressed emotions increases, a depressed person starts pushing people away—even those close to him. He does this because people close to him have a lot of expectations, requests, and sometimes even demands.
They want him to act a certain way even though he’s dealing with a lot of problems at the same time and can’t act the way they want him to act.
As a result, he concludes that he’s better off on his own and that he needs to run away from people to focus on himself. And that’s what he does because running away lifts the burden of too many responsibilities and provides him with a sense of relief.
Will my ex come back when he’s not depressed anymore?
In theory, once your ex feels better, he should once turn into his “normal” self. He should understand that you weren’t the main cause of his issues and that he’s ready to receive and give love. He may not necessarily come back to you for love because he might not let go of old perceptions of you.
But if he dates other people and fails, he could get hurt again and need someone to help him get through rejection.
Eckard Tolle, best known as the author of The Power of Now says; “Pleasure is always derived from something outside you, whereas joy arises from within. The very thing that gives you pleasure today will give you pain tomorrow, or it will leave you, so its absence will give you pain.”
What Eckard means is that people depend on external sources for happiness and your ex will probably as well. He’ll try to be happy for a while and will feel like he is. But when something bad happens (not implying that it will), he could want someone to help him get through his misery.
That someone could be you.
Here’s a picture explaining the difference between internal and external happiness. Most people rely on external things for happiness.
There’s no guarantee that your ex will come back after he’s dealt with depression, but if he starts dating again and gets hurt (or gets hurt in some other way), he could seek solace in you and try to obtain your validation.
It’s unlikely that he’ll come back just because he’ll deal with depression. That’s because he may not let go of the negative thoughts and emotions he associated with you.
So don’t think that he’ll run back to you the moment he feels better. He’ll most likely need some kind of incentive to respect you, love you, and want to be with you.
Did my boyfriend use depression as an excuse to break up with me?
“My boyfriend broke up with me because of depression” is honestly not the only excuse dumpers use. I’ve heard just about every breakup excuse there is and I can tell you that this one is a doozy. It’s different from the rest because it’s tricky to understand and hard to respond to.
It makes you feel powerless with nothing helpful to say and do.
As a dumpee, you likely can’t tell whether your ex-boyfriend is telling the truth or if he’s just unhappy with you. You need to look at signs of depression in order to know whether he’s depressed or not.
Judge him by his pre-breakup and post-breakup behavior. If he’s acting differently now (let’s say he’s going out, partying, meeting new people), he most likely isn’t depressed. He’s just relieved and elated and is going through the stages of a breakup for the dumper.
But if he’s avoiding people, blaming himself, and missing out on sleep, then he’s likely dealing with the real deal and needs a lot of understanding.
It’s not you, it’s me!
If your boyfriend pretended to be depressed, you need to know that he used a very common “It’s not you, it’s me” excuse.” He fooled you into pitying him and leaving him alone so he could do whatever he wanted to do.
“It’s not you, it’s me” is an excuse dumpers use to prevent dumpees from blaming them for the breakup and making things difficult for them.
If your ex is going out a lot, sleeping with other women, and having a good time, he obviously isn’t depressed or having a hard time coping with stress. He’s just enjoying the space the breakup provided and is going to keep doing that until he stops feeling empowered by the breakup.
Whatever he does or doesn’t do, don’t take it personally and try to avoid finding out what he’s doing.
Here’s how you can tell if your ex-boyfriend is telling the truth.
- Observe his actions. Do they match his words?
- Does he appear sad and depressed after the breakup?
- Is he dating anyone or talking to other women?
- Is he saying bad things about you?
- Does he still talk to you or at least try to?
- Is he getting help?
By answering these questions, you’ll have a better understanding of what’s going on inside your ex-boyfriend’s head. Although it won’t help you get him back, it will give you some clarity and perhaps even closure.
My boyfriend broke up with me because of my depression
Let’s reverse roles for a minute. If your boyfriend broke up with you because of your depression, all I can tell you is that you deserve better. If he didn’t care about you when you needed him the most, he doesn’t deserve you at your best either.
I’ve seen this happen many times and it’s honestly very sad. Depression sometimes puts additional weight on a relationship and makes the couple struggle to stay emotionally connected. More often than not, the stronger person eventually loses respect for the depressed person and thinks of him or her as a burden.
By no means does this happen all the time as many relationships work even when both people in the relationship are depressed. Mature couples support each other no matter what emotional difficulties they’re going through. That’s because they’ve committed to each other and know that life isn’t always a cakewalk.
Sometimes we have problems, and we need to have the knowledge and strength to deal with them.
People who leave you when you’re depressed aren’t worth your time
Contrary to happy, mature couples, selfish boyfriends tend to do what’s best for them. They leave their partners at their worst and run off to enjoy their lives to the fullest.
Such people don’t deserve your care and neither should you crave theirs. A dog or a cat will likely provide you with more comfort and security than someone who finds it excruciatingly painful to help his or her partner get through a difficult time.
If your ex left you because of depression, you need to understand that he’s not your ideal partner. He can’t be because someone who leaves when you’re struggling emotionally is in the relationship only for the good times. He’s happy when everything’s fine and unhappy or miserable when he can’t get what he wants from you.
Always remember that people who care about you will stay in your life and come to your aid. They’ll be there for you whether you ask them to or not. Those are real friends/romantic partners. They’re the people who have your best interests at heart and are more than happy to prove that by helping you when you’re feeling down.
I understand that sometimes depression can change the dynamics of a romantic relationship. But leaving a person when he or she is going through something as difficult as depression is a mystery beyond my comprehension.
Surely, they wouldn’t want someone to do the same to them when they’re struggling.
Did your boyfriend break up with you because of depression and you’re wondering why he did that? Share your thoughts below. ⬇️
And if you want to discuss your breakup with us in private and want a faster, more detailed response, check out our coaching options.
Hi everyone. Like you all I am going through the same and am finding comfort in this article and comments. Was with my boyfriend for 9 months and looking back he did have a history of depression I never took seriously and feel awful about now. When he met me he was on a high for a couple months and his feelings for me were intense since I was his happy place. He told me he loved me after 2 weeks and constantly talked about the future and that he found his soulmate in me. He had a key to my apartment and we hung out every chance we got talking for hours about anything and everything. It was genuine happiness. He shared custody of his daughter with his ex and I am in a similar situation with my son and we bonded so much just on that struggle of not seeing them all the time. We filled that void with each other. However I think once the initial excitement of the relationship died down and other stresses appeared in his life the depression took over and there wasn’t anything I could do anymore to snap him out of that. I drove myself crazy wondering what happened and changed and what I did. I developed trust issues because he would get so distant all the time and disappear on me for the day without warning. He wasn’t as affectionate and excited about hanging out and stopped talking about the future. After a few more months I finally confronted him about how much he had changed. He would apologize and tell me he knows and he’s sorry but he’s depressed about not seeing his daughter and that it’s not just me he’s distant from but that he feels detached from everyone and doesn’t know how to get rid of that feeling. Within a month he broke up with me. He slowly started disappearing and ghosted me out of no where for a few days. I finally got him to speak to me and he completely opened up about how bad his depression actually is that he can’t make me happy when he’s not happy himself. That I’m amazing and deserve so much better and he can’t give me that with how feels. His ex is threatening to move out of state with his daughter and it’s more then he can mentally handle. I begged him to let me help him and I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t want me to. He made it clear he couldn’t be with me anymore feeling like this. But after reading this article and comments I understand. I need to let him go and give him his space. What hurts is noticing him adding girls on Instagram and liking their photos immediately after while I’m suffering (i know I will be blocking him soon so I can’t drive myself crazy with jealousy on top of this.) I feel like they get so detached there’s no real pain in losing us and it hurts. I’m sure turning towards other girls might be how he is handling some of his depression but it’s just another added pain I can’t explain. I can’t stop thinking about the good memories and feel like I lost the love of my life. It’s helped reading these comments though more then anything else has
This all happened very recently so of course i still have a tiny bit of hope he’ll come back one day. He told me maybe in the future he’ll be in a better place and be ready but he can’t promise anything. I will move on with my life though just like he is and try my best to handle and get past this pain. I just feel bad I can’t help his depression and hate that he is hurting. He’s truly an amazing person. Also I can’t help but have this constant worry he’s gonna meet and give someone else the love he gave me those first couple months that I was so desperate to get back for so long it hurts to think about
Also this all happened very recently. I still have the smallest hope it will work out one day. He told me maybe in the future he’ll be in a better place and that he knows he’s gonna risk losing me by taking this time because I need to move on with my life. But that he absolutely can not do it right now. I feel awful he feels like he does he’s truly an amazing person and great father. But selfishly deep down I’m so worried he’s gonna meet someone else during this time that will make him as happy as used to. That will get what I was so desperately trying to get back all this time. It scares me so much
Hi Marie,
Reading this gave me chills because I know how you feel. It’s such a crazy experience to deal with this. I see my ex liking other girls photos and I try to seek it. I don’t have the strength to look at his new followers and following (there’s a way to do it with the new update) but I refuse since I know it will break me to see. My ex would say how much he loves me and the way he looked at me, I felt it was so genuine and real. I have no idea how he’s feeling and always wonder if he will flip a switch. It’s been 2 and a half months and I’m more accepting of it. How long ago was your break up? I really also felt when you said he mentioned he was depressed Bc mind mentioned it once or twice but I didn’t know the severity of it.
Let me know if you need anything.
Hi Amber. This all just happened this week so I know I have a long road to go. I’m sorry you went through the same I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone. How long were you and your ex together? Has he reached out to you at all since? Yes the Instagram thing truly is a nightmare. It’s our only insight into what they’re up to and it’s never gonna be what we wanna see. He had done the same during our relationship and immediately stopped and deleted any random girls he had added without hesitation and said he understood my problem with it. So seeing it start back up again hurts. The pain comes in waves I’ll go from happy and accepting of everything one minute to crying my eyes out wondering how I could have prevented this. I never thought I could feel this away about someone I was with for 9 months. I was with someone for 8 years before him and never felt like this before and thought it was so silly when girls would be upset about losing someone they’ve been with for such a short amount of time. I get it now. Truly an awful feeling im sorry you’ve gone through it these past couple months
We dated for a year. We broke up around our anniversary. No he has not reached out. It’s like I don’t even know him anymore, complete different guy. I talk to people that would see him out and they say he looks lost. I do wish the best for him but at the same time I kind of really don’t. Mine doesn’t want to help himself. he drinks every night and his father also deals with depression who also does not want to help himself as well. I feel that these guys are selfish. I know my ex feels bad he hurt me and i’m sure yours feels bad but they are just wired different. The worst thing right now is for you to rethink about the fun and good times, thats what I did. I thought to myself “there’s no way he can let this go, all the fun times we had, the connection”. But I try to tell myself they weren’t real. they were trying to find happiness through us. Who deserves that? All I wanted to do was help but I got pushed away. I did not even get the opportunity to even help. My ex is very popular in our community and all I get is just people pitying me, it’s embarrassing. Listen, this is not easy but I promise you time will pass. I hate to say it but it will and think about it.. Do you really want to worry about his moods and when he will bounce back? It comes in waves with me too but I keep thinking if I married this guy and have kids.. will he just randomly not want to be around us because he’s down? I keep thinking all the negatives about it all. We are human with feelings, they knew their mental illness and still risked hurting us you know what I mean? How old are you by the way?
Amber
I am 31 he is the same age as well. But yes they are extremely selfish. If I didn’t show up and make him speak to me he was gonna ghost me and just end it that way which is beyond messed up. I’m glad he opened up more about his depression or id be in a worse confused state at the moment and probably would be trying to reach out even more which is the opposite of what they want or need. I know he is shutting his family out as well who he lives with but I was easy to dispose of and avoid altogether. When he talked he was crying and mentioned I can always call him if I need anything and he will always be there for me but of course I won’t be doing that. It will hurt too much to be ignored or get short uninterested reply back. Yesterday I just sent him a final text thanking him for talking to me in person finally and saying that I understand a little more how depression has led him to this decision and that I realize it’s not something I can fix and he has to take care of on his own. Told him to take his time and I hope he figures it all out and I’m always here for him if he ever needs anything. He just “loved” the text. Which I guess is better then zero acknowledgment. So at this point I need to move on with my life. You are right when you say should we even want to be with someone that is capable of this? Because there are always gonna be tough times and if disappearing is their way of handing it then that’s just more pain to come.
yes i’m 27 and he was 4 years older than I. Wow it’s crazy how pretty similar it is. He is shutting out his family too and if I didn’t ask whats going on, who knows what it would have been like. I kept pushing him to talk to me since he seemed so off to me the last time we hung out. I too also gave him a final message and he said how much I don’t deserve this and how he needs to work on himself, my ex drank every night (he has 2 bottles of red wine when he broke up) and smoked weed all through out the day to help his anxiety, he wasn’t an annoying drunk or an annoying pothead so I never really complained about it. I wish I did not but it is what it is, I was blinded by it all. I know, so many red flags but we both were so into each other, we were happy and had such a good relationship and thought okay nobody is perfect I feel like he would never help himself, like actually getting help It also does not help how his father is a depressed functioning alcoholic as well. This just happened to you, try your hardest to not reach out because it will be worse. We are emotional right now and unfortunately weak for them. You’re going to think of the memories or see things that remind you of him. It really hurts. I did message him a while ago that he broke me and that this was an experience I did not need to have, he did answer and I can tell he felt bad and said he has to live with this on what he did to me but wth is that going to do for me? My ex sulks in his past a lot, he glows when he talks about his Highschool times and childhood, especially his mom who past away 9 years ago and the way him and his dad copes with her death was extremely toxic. He enjoys sulking like his father and I could tell he used me to get out but when his depression kicked in he completely 180’d on me and went back to his ways. I can go on and put it all together in all the bad about him. Of course I put it all together when we broke up. I used to be very smart with picking and choosing the guys I would date but this one…completely blinded. I try to keep hope that I can look back and be happy I dodged a bullet and look at my future guy smiling that he broke it off and I can start my life without him. Don’t let this define you. Don’t let this make you pity yourself (i’m guilty of it), keep going and know that this will all pass. They will never be happy and think at least this is temporary for us.. but for them…they will never be happy or satisfied because nothing in this world will help them but theirselves.
I’m so thankful to have found this post! I recently got out of what has definitely been the most secure, caring, and connected relationship I’ve had. We only were dating for a few months, but I felt like I was able to show myself and learn about him more than I was able to with my previous relationship of two years. He has struggled with mental health for a while now and has had previous episodes of depression. It was so hard for me at first to understand how he was feeling and why he made the decision to end our relationship. I’m so thankful to have met him and I hope that he is able to feel like himself again soon. Right after the breakup we were still in daily communication but I recently realized that I was putting an additional stress on his life and also not allowing myself to heal. It is so hard going from talking to someone everyday to not at all. I’m really lucky to have met someone like him and I’m hopeful that a relationship will work out between us in the future. We were able to communicate so well and there was so much chemistry. I am still going to be there for him if he ever needs anything but I know that I need to spend time focusing on myself and my own happiness! Thank you all for sharing your stories.
Like a lot of you reading this. I’m glad I found this article. It’s also definitely rare to see a comment section with recent responses. I’m also currently going through a breakup it’s been a week for me. 🙁 I was with my boyfriend for just under 4 years. Covid really affected my boyfriend. He is quite depressed and I’m hoping he follows through with getting help. I care about him and want the best for him even if we can’t be together. I can’t stop thinking that all of this may have played out differently if the pandemic didn’t happen. I also know that this reality and I need to begin healing. We are all strong! We will get through this and be happy again.
Hi rose, it’s also just been over a week since my boyfriend and I broke up. It’s still early days with healing and coming to terms. I mean we have both agreed that we can be friends and I’m always here to support him, but it’s hard from speaking everyday to not at all! I don’t want him to feel like I’m always on his case, so I’m leaving him for some space. As you said if it maybe wasn’t for this pandemic, our partners who suffer from mental health and depression wouldn’t have suffered this bad.
Hang in there rose. We can heal and get better x
I’m glad I stumbled upon this since i’m lost and confused.
My bf and I broke up exactly one week ago and we dated for a year. I loved this guy, I gave my all with him and it takes a special person for me to do so. He was someone I always liked for sometime but I never wanted him to know since he was the kind of guy girls liked (charming and great looks) and just thought his head was big.
He was a great guy, has a lot going for himself and extremely successful. I would see him on and off but I can tell he would never commit. I would pray he would maybe one day see how well we connected. He finally came around and seen how great of a match we could be. He has told me he dealt with depression because when his mom died but failed to mentioned it happens more often. His moms death anniversary is in a few weeks and I can tell his mothers death put a huge toll on him. His dad still talks about her frequently, I would always listen to the stories because I thought well thats sweet since i’m sure she was a wonderful woman. There was photos of her all over the house, her car was still in the garage and mind you this was 9 years ago. It was getting me concerned because I felt well how would you guys get over this if it’s right at your faces everyday, it was extremely unhealthy but I never deal with a death so I never said a thing, people cope with it all differently, who am I to judge. He would tell me his father deals with depression and guilt and the man drank so much and I can tell he wasn’t happy. Just felt this was not any of my business to get myself involved but it did get me worried for him since this wasn’t good for his mental health. They drank every night and he would smoke everyday to help with his anxiety. I know you are reading this and think “so many red flags” but we connected so well, communicated so well. I can tell he had so much love for me. So I thought, I thought I can bring light to his home, to him, and maybe his dad. He met my family a couple weeks ago and in my culture that’s a huge deal. My family are so important to me so this was getting to the point of going to the next step (So I thought). Last weekend his sister invited me to their family day and I realized he was drinking more than usual (2 bottles of wine), his face looks tired, raccoon eyes, just off to me. I did get into a small argument thinking why do we only hangout once a week and his response was theres a pandemic what else can we do. He apologized to me and told me he understood where I was coming from and I dropped it (We never fought, we got along so well). Then Saturday night came about and had dinner with him and his dad and realized he drank 2 bottles of wine again and was sleepy and talking about his mom and how if he lost his dad he wouldn’t be right, I just listened and told him not to worry. Through the night, I became so concerned and thought maybe he doesn’t want to be with me, affection was not there. So as I left I expressed my concern with text and said i’m just not all there and it’s not you and then I called him and told him tell me what is wrong you can talk to me I can help you… he hit me with “I’m not emotionally there” I was shook.. so caught off guard. I immediately drove back to his house and he told me he loves and cares about me but i’m depressed, I don’t know what I want and I cannot give you what you need. It was like a different person. Of course like any dumpee would react is just “How could you do this to me, to us, you were my person, my bestfriend?” I told him does he see anyone or take any medication and he told me no ? I’m just so lost.. so so so lost. I thought that man loved me more than I did with him. Everyone knew in our community we were dating and everyone knew how much love he had for me but i’m just torn… hurt.. I can’t even think right. I feel so alone.. all my friends are either getting married, married, or getting engaged this year. So I feel at my lowest. I just wish to talk to him, I always feel like he will call me so I prepare myself on what to say but I feel I will never get that call.
Sorry to hear this. I’m going through the same thing at the moment, losing my boyfriend & relationship because of depression.
Sounds like you really care about him and you really want to help so the best thing you can do is listen to him. Unfortunately breaking up in a depressive episode is common but it’s out of your control. When I accepted that (as painful as it is) I got some peace. This isn’t about you. If he does get in touch somewhere down the line then you can decide then how you feel and react accordingly. I find journalling helps.. Look after yourself.
Heyy amber,
My boyfriend broke up with me last Friday, due to his mental health and depression. I had gone out with him for a year and a half. I last saw him on 22 December last year and after that day I noticed he started being very distant with me, he wouldn’t want to FaceTime, and his Tracy messages would be so blunt and short, it felt like I was having a conversation with myself. I messaged him asking how is is one time and he messaged with he’s been feeling really down recently, and that he is unsure about a lot of things in his life. I said to him what are you unsure about? And he said I will explain once we see one another again. As soon as he said that I knew something was up with him and our relationship. I didn’t want to wait till I next see him as we are currently in a pandemic and I won’t see him for a while. So I confronted him and text him saying what is he unsure about as I’m overthinking on it now. And he said I’m very worried about my mental health and he doesn’t feel happy at all within himself and he doesn’t want to drag me through it with him, as it’s unfair on me. He was portraying he was happy when I saw him, but deep down he wasn’t happy within himself. He said he needs to get in a productive mindset and needs to change a lot of stuff in his life, as he currently smokes weed every night and wakes up at like 3pm everyday. I said to him I’m glad I asked and I hope you get the help you need, and I am here as a friend if you want me to be, and he said he’s happy for me to do that. But it’s so weird because we have gone from speaking everyday to not at all. I’ve never dealt with a depressed person before Amber and I have done some research to not contact your ex boyfriend as they tend to want alone time to figure their life out for themselves. And if they want to contact you and feel they want your advice they will contact you in their own time. As he broke up with me over text, I did mention to meet up with him after lockdown so we could clear the air and talk about our feelings and maybe talk about if you both still love one another and your paths may cross again in the near future.
Hang in their amber, you’re not alone x
Hey Ellie. Seems like we are on the same boat. The hardest thing is trying not to reach out. I guess we have to heal and move on. I feel like this was an experience we didn’t need to have. Everyone I’m sure is telling you to either “stay away” or “you dodged a bullet”, and those “trust me he will reach out to you when he’s stable”. There’s no winning in this but to focus on us getting over this hump and move on. You know when you’re in your bad/dark times? Well, we are in it now and I can’t wait for us to look back and just be happy it’s done and over with. The hardest thing is not reaching out Bc the responses are usually never in your favor. I have him still on social media and can’t wait until I have the strength to have my family and friends remove him. It’s been 4 weeks now and I’m at the stage of anger and resentment (break ups are like deaths, we mourn in stages). Spoke to his older sister and she’s lost and hopeful he will come back because she thought I was the one. Whatever you do, don’t listen to anyone except for healing. I had to tell my friends and family to stop telling me he will come back Bc I feel like he won’t and I don’t want to build up that hope. Let me know your journey. I promise all we need is time to pass.
Amber
Hello amber,
I totally agree with you, it’s been nearly 2 weeks since we broke up and I still think about him everyday, I try not too but it constantly passes in my head. We haven’t had a proper conversation about it all as we haven’t been able to see one another but he ended things over text, and that’s defo not the best way. I just really want to know if he still loves and has feelings for me because I still do. And I’m just scared for when I do see him and he says he doesn’t love me anymore, I feel like there would be more of a problem there within myself then and not just his mental health getting in the way of us. When I met his mum for the first time, she said I would be very good for him as she knows he’s had a bad past with his struggles and I’m sure he’s told her but she may be to afraid to give me a message about it as she knows ill get upset. I feel like if I see him face to face for a proper convo then that will make me feel better to then have closure.
Hope you’re healing better and better everyday, stay strong x
Hey Ellie,
I can relate with his moms thoughts as it’s the same with his older sister, we just have to tell ourselves it really wasn’t us that was the problem, seems like you are a supportive, sensible, and patient person like me. I know what you mean, I hope it’s really just the clouded judgment of their depression in the way. I have patients I talk to and they say “when you’re depressed, you make colorful clouded decisions and push away the ppl you love”. It’s hard to hear that Bc you begin feeling they will reach out. I do know what you mean, I wish I knew what was in my ex boyfriends head, if the love is still there.
Right now I’m trying to stay busy with friends but I find myself always wanting to be alone or I take long drives listening to music, sometimes happy music or sad. I am going to dinner with a couple of my gf’s this weekend to keep moving forward. I hope it helps. I will say the toughest is having the happy dreams of him around and I wake up very irritable going to work because of it lol. I am getting better day by day but I can’t lie I think about him frequently. I definitely can say time is healing me.
I’m going through something so similar and it is awful. It’s only been about a week. I hope you’re holding up x
Hey! It does get better. Do I have my days? Absolutely but.. it’s really nice knowing you won’t be someone’s babysitter or mom and how they are feeling. He currently is still not in the best place and is in his own world. It’s still unfortunate but it’s nice to know you weren’t the problem. I’m not at the place where I wish the best for him but just hope he’s okay. I did recently go out on a date and enjoyed it, felt really great to actually go out and have fun where seemed like we were on the same page.
Im going through a very similar situation with my now ex bf of two years. We’ve been great together but we’ve only ever been able to see one another once a week due to work, distance and childcare but we were so close and good together. He’s been depressed forever, is on meds, but the past six weeks or so he’s become so distracted and distant, drinking way more than usual. Then he asks me for a break, then a week later wants to break up totally. I’m so shocked by the whole thing. He says he loves me, but he doesn’t know when he started feeling this way, and can’t answer when I ask him if he was happy with our relationship before. He says he’s just not there at the moment so can’t continue the relationship. I’m heartbroken and I just hope he gets better and comes back to me
my boyfriend told me i needed to get therapy for my anxiety and depression i delayed . i 201,d myself to phych unit now he wont talk to me
Hi guys! Reading your comments somehow made me feel better. I also want to share my story as I’m still grieving right now. I’m so confused I don’t know what to do. I was in a 3 year relationship with this guy. He was lovely, sweet, and loving. In our 3rd year together, things were getting out of hand. We were in a long distance relationship. I feel myself getting mad all the time cos I wanted to be with him so badly but he was not feeling himself. He tells me had a break down and that he is sad. He has low self esteem and want to be better for me. But he started communicating less. Distant. I told him about it and he made effort. We were planning to meet but couldn’t due to this pandemic. A month before the break up he told me he was diagnosed with depression and gad. He’s getting treatment now (which I’m happy about). When I found out about it I got overwhelmed. I thought to myself what if I caused him those because we have been fighting. I’m prone to burning out. Anything overwhelming I distance myself. Which was bad cos I know it’s when he needed me the most. I wasn’t there for him. I feel so bad. 5 days have passed and I texted him. Greeted him for his birthday. But sadly that was the end of it. He told me the fighting was not good for the both of us, that we are not meant for each other, and that he is not happy, and wants to move on. I asked him if he met someone during the days we weren’t talking. He said he is finding, and that I should find my own happiness too. It sucks. But it was the first time I had a gut feeling that he did meet someone. If only we were close, I shouldn’t have acted like that. I messaged him I respect his decision, how grateful I was meeting him and that I am here for him if he needs someone to talk to. He said the same thing. It’s been a week after the break up. We didn’t delete each other on any social media which is hard cos I keep waiting for him to message me. But I don’t think it will ever happen. I saw one of his stories recently, he was with a girl. Probably the girl he met in therapy. Did he use his depression to get away? Idk maybe I’m just being bitter. But I do want him to heal. It’s the only thing that matters to me now. Him healing. Getting his old self back. Him being happy again. I know I will feel better in time. I’m doing the best that I can. I’ll try even harder to not watch his stories on social media and maybe block him. Thanks for taking time to read. And I’d appreciate if you guys have some advice for me. ❤️
Hey Erin, that sounds really touch. It’s so hard to give advice on something so complicated/nuanced/personal isn’t it? My advice would be don’t second guess if he’s met someone else etc, and definitely don’t confront him on it if even if you think he has. I would also say with a degree of certainty that you being occasionally distant could not have caused him to be depressed or anxious. I don’t think that’s how it works.. I am very much not a professional but I think that’s fair. For instance, I’m a fairly anxious person from day to day and it doesn’t impact me too much in normal circumstances. When my ex became distant with me (I think due to his depression) I did become more anxious but it was a temporary thing until he spoke to me. So he didn’t make me anxious, it just occasionally triggered it. And j don’t blame him for that, so I imagine your ex won’t blame you either.
With regards to the social media thing, I’m in the same boat as we both said at the breakup that we didn’t want to not be in each other’s lives and we wouldn’t delete anything etc etc. However, my ex does never post on social media. So not blocking him isn’t an issue for me as his life isn’t being put in front of me. I post quite a lot and I know he sees it all so I’m not sure if that’s more for me or for him. I would recommend that you do block him tbh, and if you think that’s scary you could even tell him first. You could say that you just need some no contact time and you need to block him just for a bit for your healing process.
I would also really really recommend going on YouTube and watching ‘the dating guy’ videos’ sounds overly basic but honestly his videos kept me so strong with no contact and looking forwards positively.
Hope you’re ok.
This has been such a healing article and comments section. A rarity for the internet nowadays! Thanks for all of the vulnerability, it’s shown me that being broken up with due to depression/mental illness is quite a different ballgame to a standard breakup. I already thought this because none of my friends have been in this situation and their breakup advice wasn’t quite hitting the right place. But this article has solidified this.
I’m on day 5/6 of being broken up with by my boyfriend. We were together just under 5 years (aged 19-24) and he’s my only relationship I’ve ever had. So it’s fair to say he’s had a huge impact on my life during these defining years. We had a ‘distance’ relationship for the first 2.5 years whilst I was at university 3 hours drive from him in the south of England. We made plans for every fortnight throughout this time, and would take it in turns to visit each other (though it was mainly him because he liked to get out of his family house for some privacy). We would spend a lot of the summer together and Christmas etc. I told him how important christmas was to me and said he wanted to be with me for sure, so he came to my family’s house for Christmas and continued to for the next 4. This will be my first in 5 years without him here. After I graduated, I got a job near his home town and we moved in together. We lived together for 1.5 years, and his depression started after a couple of months of living together and got progressively worse for the next year and beyond.
We were the happiest couple, we were the couple that everyone was jealous of and even I couldn’t believe my luck that I’d found someone that looked at me that way and treated me so well. His love is so pure. Plus he is very attractive. From the first few weeks he’d expressed interest in being with me long term, he said he loved me pretty early on and we both just fell hard and fast for each other. This happiness didn’t even fade until his depression started to kick in 2.5 years later.
He stopped wanting to be intimate, he never made any plans, he’d turn down things that I’d plan, I’d ask him to come on a run/walk/exercise class with me and he’d refuse. He only wanted to sleep. He was visibly less happy and it just looked like someone had dimmed his light. Money talk and spending was a big trigger, and it seems like he hated the thought of wasting his money on rent and bills etc. We had plans to buy a house and do it up (he’s handy by nature and by occupation) in the next few years. I selfishly found this very hard, but understood that this wasn’t his fault and I wanted to really be there for him as he hasn’t got the best support network with friends etc. I tried my hardest to make him happy and keep the atmosphere up for him. I continued doing this until this year in March. This is obviously not to say it was all doom and gloom, we would have lovely times and he still made me happy a lot of the time.
In March with all the COVID stuff and him being furloughed and me working from home, we decided to come and live with my parents for a while instead of the flat we’d been living in as I knew we would suffocate isolating in 2 rooms. He was so withdrawn here and he kept on needing his own time so he’d stay in my room all day whilst I would go for a run in the countryside, sunbathe in the garden, make us a lovely dinner etc. (Important to note that he and my family got on really well and they treat him like family) When he’s in a bad place he suffers really badly with brain fog, and feels like he can’t get words out or read words so he liked to take himself away. When furlough ended for him we decided that he would go back to the flat but as I was still working from home and he would barely be in that I would stay at my home for a few more months potentially, just for the summer.
This didn’t work out and we decided we should stop renting the flat and both save up some money for our future. Fast forwards, we barely saw each other from July-December due to COVID restrictions as well as him making excuses to not meet outdoors at weekends when we were allowed. When we did see each other, it was really nice. There was a day in august we nearly broke up because we were so confused at what was happening. After that day I knew that wasn’t what I wanted and I would do anything to make our relationship work.
From September until last weekend, he would ignore my texts for sometimes a day or two or sometimes a week or two. He would ignore any calls. He showed no interest whatsoever in speaking to me. The rejection I felt after I’d called and he hadn’t responded, or if I’d have sent a text saying I’ve had a really crap day today can we FaceTime to cheer me up that he ignored was torture. Baring in mind this is all during harsh COVID restrictions whereby we can’t see friends or family or go to a restaurant etc. I was hurting so much when this happened and started to go down a rabbit hole of terrible thoughts of what I’ve done to deserve this and I must be ugly, must be fat, must be unlovable – the whole package.
We met up for a walk 6 days ago and through gritted teeth he told me he doesn’t know if this is working anymore. He doesn’t know what he wants anymore. He needs time to think. He wants me to be happy. He said ‘I don’t think it should be this hard’. I wanted to reply to each point explaining that those feelings are fine and we can work through them. I explained it’s been such a tough year and we can figure out everything in time. He made it clear that there would be no swaying of his opinion and he was visibly distressed upon saying these things. Factoring in how hard it is for him to talk when his brain fog is bad, I started to respect what he was saying and admired his bravery for saying it. For the next couple hours we spoke about all the good times and I made it clear I was here for him if he got in a bad place and needed to talk to someone. He said he couldn’t thank me enough for the support I’ve given him, and in no way was any of this my fault or a reflection of me. We said we loved each other. He said some really lovely things about me, and I did to him too. We agreed that we couldn’t possibly not be involved in each other’s lives in the future, and we hope that we can be friends at least. We know this can’t happen right away, but we will talk when we’re ready.
The breakup was as amicable as it could have possibly been. I quickly realised I didn’t want to fight him on this, and I shouldn’t beg for someone to stay. It was both warming to hear him say such lovely things about me, but also heartbreaking that those things weren’t enough to keep me. Right now I’m really grieving the relationship and the future we had talked about so many times for years. I’m left I a hard place because I’m just living at home as an adult now, doing a job that I got so I could move with my boyfriend, and with local restrictions I can’t see any of my friends for support. I of course text them though. I feel like my future has been ripped away and I’m left needing to start all over again. I’m also worrying that his depression will get worse now I’m not there for him and he’ll have no one to speak to. He won’t be spoiled at Christmas with presents from me and my family like he has done for years.
I hope he gets the help he needs, I hope he gets some medication etc and right now I do hope he gets back in touch with me and we can meet and talk. I care about him so much as a person that if we can’t have a relationship then so be it, but I would love a friendship at some point. I am hoping that he gets in a good place and realises he’s made a bad decision in a couple/few months, but I know I can’t hold onto this or I won’t heal.
Sorry for the essay, but that felt cathartic to say to be honest. Even if no one replies, I hope some other people can relate to this too, and if anyone was brave enough to read that essay then any advice would be welcome. Phew.
Hi Charlotte, I am sorry you went through that considering it was quite a lengthy relationship. I am also so glad to have found this article because im going through something similar. My ex bf and I were long distance and covid really put a strain on things. He was going through a lot because he lost family members and friends due to covid. Slowly, he became more distant and told me he was seeing a therapist for his depression, I really wanted to be there as much as I could but it was out of my control when he didnt want to talk. He even ghosted me for a few months and I was just broken from it because he didn’t even tell me he needed time alone. Eventually he did contact me and we decided to remain friends. It’s still really tough because I still have feelings for him so I am in a similar position to you. I’m still holding out hope that he might change his mind in the future and re-enter the relationship but it’s not the most healthy way to handle this from my point of view
Hi Angela,
That sounds heartbreaking. Being ghosted for months must have been so hard for you. I was ghosted out of the blue a couple of times, but it was for 4-7 days. That was enough to make me feel crazy, so god knows how you managed months.
Are you speaking to any therapist/councillor/psychologist? I’ve been speaking to a councillor who has helped me a lot so far. She’s helping me get to a place where I feel more confident with who I am and all the positive things I have about me. So if my ex does get in touch in the future, I will be able to confidently decide if it will be a decision I want to make, instead of taking whatever I can get out of desperation.
I’m glad he reached out to you as a friend eventually. How did that conversation go?
Hi Charlotte,
Thank you for sharing your experience. I went through something similar since October and it was one of the worst thing that happened to me. I wish you all the best in your healing journey and I hope we will be healed eventually. <3
Hi Charlotte, I am going through the exact same thing. My ex and I hadn’t been in a relationship as long as you guys but I was with him for a year and a half and his depression and mental health just took over him. From when I first met him he gave me so much love and happiness, I couldn’t fault our relationship at all! I last saw him on the 22nd of December last year and ever since I left that day he just distant himself from me. A few weeks ago I confronted him and said what’s up with him, knowing he suffered from mental health and depression, but not to this extreme. And he said he’s feeling very unhappy with himself and his life. He didn’t want to drag me through his mental health with him as it isn’t fair on me, and he needs to get into a productive mindset as you said about your ex, he just slept all day! I would try and get him to come out for a walk, and even cook but he just didn’t have the energy. My boyfriend and I broke up last Friday and me and him still want to be friends, but it’s hard to know that when we were together, we would message each other everyday, but now we don’t message at all. What I can say Charlotte is that, when he is ready to message you he will do. But for now I think it’s best to let him deal with his own mental Illness alone and give him some space.
You’re not alone Charlotte x
This is so similar to my situation, I would love to chat with you privately about our similar situations if you fancy it? X
Hi my boyfriend of 2 and a half years broke up with me a week ago hes very down and depressed due to personal reasons he said hes found this hard to end our relationship but needs to be alone to sort his head out and get thru it so we should go our separate ways, i don’t understand he says he does have feelings so why would he be ok with cutting me out of his life hes agreed to ralk but says please dont try to change his mind he needs to do this.
Hi Sally,
Your situation sounds almost exactly like mine. It is such a difficult situation and I can’t seem snap out of feeling so down about it. Let me know if you would like to chat and maybe we can help each other out.
My boyfriend left me too. I know how you feeling. We were 1 year together but long distance. Only met a month. I told him I was going to move from Europe to America but I was reluctant and scared so he took it negatively. He is suffering from chronic depression and he said we should break up because he needs to work on himself and he doesn’t want to make me do something I don’t want to. Then He says he needs to figure himself out and we should tale some time and discuss later about it. I told hin I will always be there for him. After a week we talked and he was positive with us talking. After some days he sent me a message wanted to know how I was. He still hasn’t removed from social media we are on relationship and everything goes on like we never broke up. Except we are not talking. He is hot and cold. So I don’t know how I should feel.. I really love him so much and want to stick around but I don’t know if he will ever want to come back to me. I also started the process to move to America and he knew about that. So I now feel confused and I cannot heal. Any chat or comments would help. Thank you so much!
Hi Sally I’m so sorry to hear that. I am on the same boat. I’ve been together with my bf for 2 years now and from the get go I already knew he had mild depression although he has and will never admit it. He got better once we started seeing each other but two weeks ago he suddenly got very distant and he kept telling me has no mood for anything. He doesn’t want to meet his friends he doesn’t want to eat all he wants to do is sleep. In the end he concluded that he is not able to feel happy anymore and he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. Hearing this I wanted to be there for him, I didn’t agree on breaking up and hence he now feels forced to stay on the relationship. I am trying to work through things with him and support him although he has said many things to me such as he doesn’t love me anymore he doesn’t want to be around me anymore. I felt that there is something more to it and I refuse to break up and leave him alone to wallow in self pity. Can anyone relate and tell me if what I am doing is ok?
My partner broke up with me due to depression and is starting to come around about a month/two months later. We’re meeting up next week to talk about what happened as he’s expressed interest in seeing where this could go again. I’m really hurt by his decision to suddenly break up with me, but also want to be there for him now that he’s On the other side. Do you have any advice on what to say?
I have been seeing this guy for about 5 months, he has always been the loveliest person, so thoughtful and selfless. I know he has a history of anxiety and severe depression but other than teling me he is on medication for it we havent spoken much about it as it is still early days. But he recently stopped trying to arrange when we were going to see eachother and when I would ask he would just say he was very busy and stressed with work, which I believe as he was unable to work/earn during lockdown so is now taking on lots of jobs to get some finances back. I stupidly sent a message to him, as it had been a week and I still had no idea when I was going to see him, saying I didnt really feel there was much urgency to see me (he was still seeing his friends a lot) and that I felt we needed to find a better balance of this was to work/progress, and asked how he was feeling about it. I agree now that this was not a good message to send, his response was angry and defensive and he obviously felt like i was criticising him and attacking him. This wasnt my attention so I calmly tried to explain that I jist missed him, and understood he was working a lot and even if I wouldnt see him for a little while, could he just let me know. He continued to respond angrily so I left it 3 days before sending another message, angry response again, then another 3 days before sending another message. No response. It has now been a week since I last heard from him. He has seen my messages, which did include I am here when you are ready to talk. I appreciate this sounds like a dating problem, however I am worried it os due to his depression. Are these typical responses for a person with severe depression? And if so will he contact me in his own time? I want to be there for him if that is the case but he won’t speak to me to let me know if he just needs space and time.
Hello there!
I just wanted to share about my break up with my ex today. He is my first boyfriend and he is very gentleman, kind and smart human being. We’ve been together for 5 months. Today he called me asking for a breakup, because he don’t understand himself and his depression is getting worse everyday. He said I deserve someone else who will value me and love me so deep. I don’t know what to do, I’m really lost! I really love him. He is the man I prayed for.
I was with a boyfriend for five months after Covid we moved in together we both ended bad relationships in the past for us to be together it was perfect in every way we had such a high for four months until we had a lowAfter the slow he told me he felt things that made him feel comfortable and settled so he left he came back the next evening and told me that he doesn’t know why he’s feeling these things he was crying on my pillow and that he does love me He kissed me and told me he’ll see me soon the next day I got a text in the afternoon saying I’m so sorry I’m still struggling with the things that happened in my past I have to make peace with myself and find forgiveness. He was holding onto the guilt of his ex-girlfriend having two abortions when he and I had a pregnancy scare he turned off all of his emotions went into depression and broke up with me. I have no idea if he will come around again he said some pretty cool things that didn’t sound like himself he’s pushing me away and telling me I’ll be OK so that he feels better about himself so now I’m stuck here feeling nothing and afraid and heartbroken I know he loved me but now it’s about his ex relationship I have no idea if he’ll ever come back into my life
Thank you for this article. That helped so much!
I was in a 2 year relationship with this guy that I thought was the one. When we first met, just like everyone else, it was pretty good. But for some reason, there were times that he seemed very frustrated about his professional future, and how he always felt stuck, living with his parents and not being able to actually live a life outside his parents house.
He used to seem “careless”, or distant at times, I never understood why. Almost as if he was another person. He used to self-doubt his appearance so much, even when I tried constantly to lift him up, he would refuse to accept my compliments and attack himself, saying how “fat” or “ugly” he was. Some other times, I used to feel bad every time I shared some good news in my life, because I could feel how he wasn’t 100% happy because there was something else behind him bothering him.
He had an accident, he burned part of his arms and face, and after those days, everything went downhill. He broke up with me saying how he felt I needed someone who could make me happy because I wasn’t happy, and that he felt like the most insignificant thing and he felt like trash for taking this decision, and that he had to go back to therapy because he felt that it was all too much for him and he needed to focus on himself. And kept crying all night long. Before getting in the relationship, he was depressed once because of his sexuality and some other stuff.
Now that I’m reading this, my heart fell to the floor, because I now realize he was very depressed, and this depression got intensified with his accident. I am crying right now, because I want to go and help him out, but I must respect the fact of him wanting space to fix himself. We have not been in contact for nearly 4 months and a half now. And for some reason, I can’t hate him at all. I couldn’t before and now that I know this, I won’t ever be able to hate him. I just want him to heal and to be okay.
Initially I had thought that my ex-boyfriend left me twice because I was not good enough. I became so angry at myself and thought that the breakup was all my fault and that I wasn’t supportive enough and that I needed to fully change who I was. I didn’t even believe him back then when he said that I was an amazing woman and that another man would be blessed to find me.
But as I went on my personal development journey, I learnt that my ex may have been suffering from low self esteem and depression as well. I was begging my journey of self-love when a year later I met him again. I came to learn from him that he had been suffering from recurrent depression since he was younger. He finally opened up about it. However I could see that he was still broken. I had progressed so much in my self development journey, yet he was still stuck where he left off when he moved away from me.
It made me think, maybe a reason why he left was because of his poor self esteem and depression. He couldn’t face dealing or working through arguments and had left me without any warning. It took me nearly a year and half since he left till I finally accepted the break up and that I so deserve better. Someone who would not leave me when things got tough. Someone who would actually stay and work through our differences and grow together with me.
After reading through your article above, it has given clarity on what occurred between me and my ex and why he did leave.
Although he left me, he still has a beautiful soul as he is very compassionate and kind to others. I care for him deeply as I would a fellow human being and I wish him happiness and that he finally finds healing from his depression so he can find joy in life and not depend on others for his happiness. However I have come to realise that he was in my life for a period and from him I learned so many lessons and the breakup was the catalyst for me to my journey of living my life in alignment to my true self.
Thank you so much for writing this article as it had given me the closure which I had been seeking for so long.
My bf never made time for me he would always say busy since it was only some months into the relationship I always wanted to leave but he would assure me that he will make time .Sometimes I would ask what he was doing and he would say ” in studying , reading , gymming” and it would make me angry cause in his free time he wouldn’t even give a 5 minute call .We started fights because of that finally it got too much and he suddenly wanted to break up .I ws so upset …When I called after the breakup he broke down and asked for forgiveness saying I should move on because he has too many family problems ; because of corona his brother lost his job and he has to fend for his mom and brother and give them a good life , he begged me to leave him alone and that he was too lonely he missed hone and his father who is No more. I want to be there but he completely wants nothing to do with me and I’m so sad .
Try and not take it personally, debbie.
I am sure that he means well but is currently having a tough time as he said.
I’m sorry that you are hurting.
Different people have different ways of dealing with what they are going through. It’s not about you, it’s purely about what he is currently dealing with.
My ex boyfriend is suffering from depression. His grandma who he loves so much, because she raised him, passed away. We also recently moved. He admitted before everything went bad that he was feeling sad and I didnt think anything of it. I conforted him, but I didnt think he was depressed. Things started getting bad and he broke up with me. It was very hard for me to give him space but with proof that I’m making things worse, I’m trying to give him space. I was blindsided by this cus we were great. We’ve been together for 4 years and we were engaged. We were suppose to get married right before lockdown and this happened after. I believe this allowed me to see some issues in my relationship. I have issues myself that I need to work on. When hes feeling okay, he let’s me know that he loves me and he wants us to work but he cant deal with what hes dealing with and worry about my feelings. I do suffer with bipolar depression and anxiety and I’m currently not on my meds. This situation has been difficult and I feel like I’m falling into a deep depression so I am planning on going back on them. I told him that I’m afraid he’ll fall inlove with someone else but he assures me that he only loves me. I’ve been supportive and understanding but it hasnt been helping. Hes been talking to his female friend about it. He said that he wants to talk to someone who isnt in the situation or isnt too close. He wanted someone with no connection. And I still dont completely understand that. But when I’m feeling low, I confide in him so I’m hurt that he cant do the same with me. But I do want him to get better. I’ve been feeling worried about they’re friendship and that they might have end up creating a bond we dont have. He keeps assuring me that he has no romantic relationship with her and made it clear to her that nothing would happen and she said the same thing as well since she does have a boyfriend. I still cant help but worry. We’ve been through so much and I dont want to give up on him. It’s been tough cus some days, hes just cold. He says hurtful things and it just hurts. When hes mad, he says these hurtful things about us but when hes okay, he says different things. That he loves me and that if we could be together while hes feeling like this, we would. And that he wants us to be together again but not right now. I’m hoping he does find his way back to me. And I hope he will one day try to trust me enough to open up. He says that he talks to her sometimes about how hes feeling but never about us. Hes not a very open person. He doesnt have one person that hes completely open with. I hope that person will be me. I dont mean to make it about me, but I do love him and I want to be able to be there when he needs someone.
Hi Collen,
I noticed you posted twice so i read both of them.
My ex broke up with me because of depression too.
But he does still express his love for me and reminds me that he loves me. We do catch up and we do still express how much we love each other. But he really does need to sort himself out. Even I feel that after a few days of the break up that, the break up was for the best as I recognised that there are also things that I need to work on for myself.
We support each other with what we are both going through and there has been progress in terms of him leading to becoming better. But when it comes to what we’ll do with both of us, he doesn’t know. All he knows is he loves me dearly but he doesn’t know where this will go. wether he’ll want to get back together or just become normal friends. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t even want to think about the future because it scares him. It’s unknown. No one knows what will happen in the future until it becomes the present.
So that’s where I struggled with because I know what I want. I know that once I’ve done what I want to do for myself, that I’ll want to get back together. I was scared too that he’ll meet someone else as he has female skater friends.
But I’ve come to terms with it. The reason I was so scared is because I kept thinking about the future but there’s no point to do so. We don’t know what will happen. I’ve also stopped being scared of him falling for someone else because that was my insecurities acting up.
I know what kind of person I am. I’m flawed but I’m good. I’ve helped him and supported him even when I was hurting because of the break up. But he is great too, he supported me too. He’s a great guy.
What I’m trying to say, is, wether we end up or not, it’s not on me. It just means we’re not meant for each other. It’s just the way it is. If we will be then we will be.
I have faith in his love for me. There are cases that in order for people to grow, they have to grow apart to fall back together. But sometimes, you both become a piece in each other’s life, a stepping stone for growth but just not meant to be.
It’s the sad reality of things.
In my opinion, I feel that you should take this time to take care of yourself. Your ex is giving himself the love he needs for himself. Why shouldn’t you do the same?
Think about why you are overthinking his actions. Look inside yourself and ask yourself why is it causing you to overthink?
When I was scared that he’ll meet someone, the way I stopped overthinking was, I asked myself.
I used my ex wanting to become better by himself without me in a relationship as a tool to validate my feelings. I kept asking for reassurance when we would meet. I was getting jealous.
I looked in me if I should be bothered by these things. I realised I shouldn’t be. Because I remembered my worth. His depression is not about me, it’s about him.
And there’s not much we can do about that but support them and be there if you can.
I hope you find your answers and I am sorry that you are going through this painful experiences. It does fucking hurt. Trust me though, it’ll get better day by day.
Similar situation. He said he was not feeling good, that he was not feeling like himself anymore abd that he needed time. He said he loved me and he didn’t want to hurt me, although he said he knew I was for than willing to stand by his side, but didnt want to treat me bad or ignore me.
I see him almost everyday at work and sometimes he says he loves me and hugs me… it’s hard for me because he said twice we were not a couple anymore… but acts as if we still were. I don’t know what to do. He is awesome, always treated me as if I were the most beautiful person to him, we talked about getting married and having kids, how our own house was gonna be. I love him.
I watched myself with him for the rest of my life… this is gonna be the third week since the breakup and don’t know if I should break any remaining “relationship” and move on or stand still, waiting something that may not come.
My ex boyfriend and I had been together for four years. Our relationship was great. I admit there are issues but we loved eachother alot and we still do. He recently lost his grandma and broke up with me. He said he knows I’m trying to help but it’s just not helping. It’s making it worse. He said he cant worry about himself and worry about me. He has been talking to his female friend. This hurt me alot. He said that he wants to talk to someone that isnt in the situation or isnt too close. I feel like he blames me for his depression. He cuts me out but he also comes back sometimes and tries to let me understand that he still cares about me, and wants us to work, he just cant do it right now. He said he cant talk to me about everything. I dont understand that. I have bipolar depression and hes the only one I want around. This has been difficult, especially since i stopped my meds. I love him and I’d do anything to help him get better. I guess what I need to do is the hardest. I cant talk to him. His moods arent consistent, like some days hes okay, and mostly hes not. And it makes me wonder if hes suffering from bipolar depression as well. He says hurtful things when he gets angry. He was the sweetest, most thoughtful boyfriend. But now I dont know. I know he loves me and but I also feel like he cant trust me to open up. I know i should just be happy that hes talking to someone and trying to get better. I guess I just selfishly hate that it isnt me. I keep thinking that theyll have a bond that we wont. Even though I’ve been there for him through everything, I’ve supported him, I’ve pushed him to do things he wanted to do but kept putting off, I’ve tried not to take things personally lately but I am suffering with my own issues from my toxic relationship with my father. I just feel rejected and like I’m just never going to be loved unconditionally. I love the very best and worst of him, I dont know if I can say the same for him. Is there hope for a relationship to recover? Does anyone have experience with it? I just feel so alone.
Hi everyone,
I’m going through a breakup due to depression now. My ex lost her grandma last year and also a few lifelong friends around the same time. Shortly after all that happened we began dating. Throughout our relationship I was a big part of her support system and we loved each other very much, we often talked about a future together. We broke up about 6 weeks ago because she needed to feel like herself again and couldn’t do that with the pressure of a relationship. We’ve been doing no contact since then which has been very hard for me. I feel like everyday I’m waiting to get a text from her saying she misses me and she’s managing her depression better. I also feel like this constant hope that she will reach out to me has prevented me from moving on and healing myself.
Any advice or tips from someone who has gone through something similar would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading!
Hey andrew,
I am currently going through a break up too because my ex has been depressed for quite a long time even before I met him. We got together a year after and were together for 6 months. It’s become apparent how depress he is when we got into a relationship. He just feels that something is wrong with him as a person even though he is the loveliest man I have ever met.
We didn’t talk for a week but we started talking again after he had sent me take away one day. That day I was down because I kept thinking he didn’t truly love. As break up goes, when someone breaks up with you, you feel that they didn’t love you because they broke with you. but that’s not always the case. It’s because they love you and that they can’t give you 100% that they choose to leave as it’s not fair on you. How can they love you when their vision is so fogged up by everything they have not resolved within themselves?
So we are currently just trying to support each other through what life is throwing at us right now. Focusing on the goals we know we both need to do by ourselves without the responsibilities of being in a relationship. It’s not for everyone and it’s certainly not easy.
but if
Would you like to to get in contact of each other? I have a whatsapp and my number is +61422424062.
I’ll be happy to talk with you and maybe both of us can give each other advice
If you are not comfortable with contacting each other in the app then I’d like to leave some advice for you as it does take some time for people to comment on here and I am sure you coming here, you are in really need of someone to listen to and shed a bit of light.
Our circumstances are quite different in terms of the no contact with our ex’s but I have gone through a break up with someone who I was with for 5yrs from 3 yrs ago.
He didn’t want to have any contact and it left me devastated as I wanted to be with him. I wanted to be friends with him too but he also didn’t want that.
It took me 5 months to get over that 5 yrs relationship. 2 months to mourn the relationship, 3 months to get him out of my head. It’s hard when the person you talk to about the good things or bad things happening in your life is someone you can no longer talk to. Or anything in your day that’s interesting and it’s something you can’t wait to tell them but then realising that you can’t even tell them that too.
It took me a while to accept the break up. But once I understood why we had to break up, it was a road to acceptance for me. Once I finally accepted that he’s gone. He’s never going to want to be with me. I started moving on. It’s hard. It’s so freaking hard to move on from someone you saw a future with. Someone you were planning a future with. Someone who was there for you and vice versa.
Your break up is still quite fresh and it seems that you are still hoping to get back together. It takes a while to get out of that mind set. You’re going through 5 stages of grief for your relationship with her.
You need to start thinking about and really concentrating on why she had to go. If you were able to give her your best, to give her all this love, and now she is doing that for herself. She broke up with you to take this time for herself. To learn and love herself by herself without having to be considerate of anyone else ( not a bad thing ) and truly just focus on herself.
Don’t you think you deserve that too? To give yourself that same attention and love she is trying to give to herself? To try and mend your breaking heart. Give yourself the love you currently have for her. It’s not easy. It is often a lot easier to take care and love other people than ourselves but it’s during these times that we truly need our own self.
Sometimes when we get into relationships, we lose part of ourselves. One day we’ll get into one and that will no longer be the case. That’s one thing we learn as we experience break ups or losing any form of relationship with anyone. We learn to love ourselves more and more.
I am sure she loves you and she cares for you. She’s just incapable of having anyone but herself right now. Maybe one day you guys can be friend but for now, it’s time to let her go. Take your time. Mourn the relationship but remember to get back up. Start small. Start changing your routine and one day, one day you’ll start waking up better than yesterday, one day you’ll wake up more accepting than the day before, one day you’ll find yourself not anticipating messages from her than the day before.
Hi Chyril
Thank you very much for your input. Hearing your thought process about getting through your breakup experiences is certainly something I will take with me as I get through mine. I really appreciate you taking the time to read what I had to say and helping me on my journey. Best of luck to you on yours!
Andrew
Chyril,
Even though your reply was to Andrew, it spoke to me as well. It has been 5 days and I’m terribly sad and sometimes upset, too. I had to screenshot your message because it gave me clarity and I hope it will do the same for others. I really do appreciate you and others who have had the experience and helping the new ones adjust, understand and move forward.
I just don’t know if I should contact him or not. People say to wait 30 days after a break up but this is depression, a mental illness. Do we reach out or wait?
Hi Jennie,
I really appreciate your message and I am glad that it spoke to you.
As for wether you should message him or not, I am not sure. That is entirely up to you. Check on how you feel, would you be able to handle being in contact with him? You know him better than anyone so this decision is something only you can make. Wether you know it’ll help him or not and wether he would want it or not. . Consider how you feel and what you would feel afterwards.
Did no contact work on depression ex boyfriend? 🙁
Hello,
My boyfriend and I (now ex) were friends before for almost 7 years before we got together. A little backstory of us we met through my boyfriend and the time and his best friend. I broke up with that boyfriend around 4 years of being together because of depression also. Fast forward a year and half later my current bf gets cheated on by his girlfriend with my ex. (His best friend and his gf). He was heartbroken scared and mentally unhealthy. He contacted me and we remained friends til he started feeling better around a year later. 6 months later we get together. Now its been almost 3 years of us being together and he started acting weird one month. He eventually started ignoring my texts and calls and one day just came up and said he felt like he just cant care about anyone or anything. He’s felt like he has no emotions and thats why he was treating me so horrible so he wanted to break up. I respected that gave him space and he calls me a week later saying he was sorry and missed me and we got back together. 4 months later I had a made a little white lie that he used as an excuse to break up again. We talked and expressed it wasnt even the lie why he broke up with me he just did it. He then expressed he felt like he couldnt trust anyone even people that should be considered friends but he said he doesnt consider anyone as a friend. He doesnt like to be around anyone he feels like he doesnt care about anything and hes scarred of us ending badly. So i asked what he wanted to do. He said he didnt want to break up. So we didnt. Fast forward again two more months we get into a small fight about carpool (he got irritated over nothing). He used this as an excuse to ignore me for a week. He then proceeded to take me off of social media. I called him and asked him to talk but he kept saying “No i dont want to i dont care to.” Finally maybe another week after he texted me “Hey, i wanna apologize. Youre right i didnt need to take you off of everything i just get angry and really dont want to see what youre doing and vise versa. You dont have to listen to me you can do whatever you want.” I responded and he was trying to be sympathetic. Then we met and talked very shortly of him basically saying, he had said he doesnt want a relationship right now and were friends. And who knows about later. And this was it. Hes been talking to me like normal that last few days. I guess im wondering if i should you know try and be there like hes been acting like normal to help him get over how hes feeling because im one of the only people he trusts. Or have no contact again like i did before he apologized. I want him back i feel like its the best relationship ive ever had but i dont want to pressure him back in i want him to come back on his own. But how do i do this without being his only support system and he just acts like normal (a ten year friendship) but it still hurts me. Please help. Thanks
My partner of 6 years recently had a breakdown and has been diagnosed with severe depression. We’ve had ups and downs in our relationship but we love each other very much and have always got through it. He said all he could think about was every argument we’ve ever had but reassured me it was the depression making him think this way. He suggested we go on a break while he figured things out with a therapist and left that day. A month later he broke up with me saying he’d had another breakdown, he loves me but can’t be in the relationship as he can’t risk feeling this way, I should move on but we can stay friends, he has left all of his belongings behind, gone back to his family and asked for no contact from me. We had just bought a house so we have both been stressed but I had no idea he was feeling depressed. I have no answers, no idea how he is, no idea if this is the depression talking or if he generally blames me. But I am respecting his wish for no contact and just hoping he reaches out when he’s ready.