Updated on July 14, 2025
Sometimes, guys break up with their girlfriends because of depression. They express that the breakup is not their girlfriend’s fault and that they have some things to figure out on their own. They’re only being half honest.
They’re intentionally omitting the real reasons for falling out of love and refusing to mention their ex’s behavior or attitude that makes it hard for them to redevelop romantic feelings. I suppose telling the truth would make them feel even more depressed, as they’d hurt their partner and bring a strong, undesirable reaction out of him or her.
That’s why depressed dumpers often avoid going into too much detail.
They don’t explain that their ex has drained them emotionally and made them feel smothered or guilty for not being able to reciprocate his or her feelings and meet his/her expectations. Because they feel tired and unhappy, they often take the blame and make it seem like their partner has nothing to do with their loss of feelings, positive perceptions, and lack of investment.
They may be depressed, but if their ex hadn’t made them feel unwanted emotions, they wouldn’t have pushed him or her away. They would have expressed how they felt and looked for solutions to work together despite their mental health problems.
So if your boyfriend broke up with you because of depression, don’t immediately assume that mental health problems are his only issue. Another issue, probably an even bigger one, is that he associated unpleasant, relationship-destroying beliefs with you and let those beliefs suffocate him and ruin his feelings for you.
He allowed them to play with his head and slowly convinced himself that you were making him stressed, pressured, or unhappy. Whatever you made him feel, he decided you were responsible for it and that he didn’t want to feel it any longer. As a result, he abandoned you and focused entirely on his mental health complications.
Depression comes in many forms, so we won’t talk about all of them today. We’ll just make it simple and split them into two groups: long-term and short-term depression. If your boyfriend broke up with you because of depression he’s been struggling with for months or longer, his depression can be considered long-term. This likely means he gradually got tired of feeling miserable, changed his perception of the relationship, and lost the energy and will to keep fighting for the relationship.
To him, the relationship started to feel suffocating and exhausting, so he felt the need to eliminate as many stressors as possible. That was the only way he could stop investing time and energy in you and feeling pressured into doing things he didn’t want to do. Depression probably worsened when you expressed your anger, pain, and unmet wants and needs. That’s because he thought that he couldn’t meet your expectations and be the partner you wanted him to be.
That’s long-term depression for you.
However, if your boyfriend broke up with you because he’s only recently been feeling depressed and stressed, then chances are he isn’t really depressed. He’s likely just unhappy and doesn’t know how to become happy. Instead of opening up about it to you, he (secretly) blames you for it and thinks you don’t listen, care, or understand him.
Such convictions don’t mean he’s depressed and that the only way for him to be happy is to break up with you. It means that he needs to work on improving his coping mechanism, ways of expressing difficulties and pain, and staying in love even if you don’t always do what he wants you to do. Some guys are just whiners and quitters. They blame their partner or ex-partner and refuse to work on things that need work.
Such men often ditch their partner for someone else and reveal to the whole world that the reason for breaking up wasn’t their depression, but rather their poor relationship mentality. They merely used the depression as an excuse to avoid working on themselves and prevent their ex from giving them a hard time.
Who would blame a dumper when the dumper is sad, crying, and appears helpless?
In this post, we’ll discuss whether your boyfriend ended the relationship because of depression and what steps you can take to heal and gain clarity.
My boyfriend broke up with me because of depression
If your ex-boyfriend has a history of depression or a family background of it, it’s important to take his condition seriously.
You must understand that a depressed boyfriend will break up with you when he breaks down mentally and emotionally, and thinks that the breakup will help him think clearly and feel better. To him, breaking up is a self-defense mechanism and the only solution to his problems, as he assumes that pushing you away will free him of obligations and allow him to prioritize his emotional health.
And that’s exactly what breaking up does. It helps him focus on his issues and prevents him from worrying about yours. The breakup eases the pressure that comes from being committed to you and tells him that he’s once again in charge of his life.
Your ex-boyfriend doesn’t think you can help him with his predicament. He acknowledges the things you’re willing to do with him and for him, but he doesn’t want more effort from you. He feels smothered by you and thinks his most important task is to self-focus and stop feeling smothered.
The thing about depressed guys is that they don’t have much, if any, energy left to work on themselves. They may say they want to grow, but that tends not to happen because they often run away from problems and the negative emotions they connect with their ex. Dealing with difficult post-breakup issues is simply too exhausting for them, as it demands a great deal of willpower and commitment. They don’t feel the need to fix their issues because they think their ex is a big part of them.
The dumpee may not be directly responsible for his or her ex’s pain, anxiety, or depression, but the dumpee does make dumpers’ healing super difficult. Dumpers can’t heal when their ex constantly expects them to expend energy they don’t have. It’s hard for them to do that when all they want is to be okay emotionally and love themselves.
You probably didn’t do much or anything wrong, but still got broken up with. It wasn’t that you wanted too much from your ex, but that staying in his life forced him to focus on you rather than himself. Your presence and behavior (even if they were completely normal and reasonable) became too much for your ex as they overwhelmed him with expectations and unwanted feelings.
If your ex-boyfriend had a history of depression or a family background of it, it’s important to take his condition seriously. Depression makes simple things like talking, being intimate, bonding, going out, and even daily tasks feel like a burden. He can’t appreciate them while he’s obsessed with getting rid of pain and regaining emotional stability. As long as he’s depressed, confused, and easily irritated, you can’t fix his problems for him and bring him back.
So keep in mind that your depressed ex-boyfriend doesn’t want your help right now. He doesn’t even know what to do with it because your presence continues to remind him of the past and drains his limited energy. All your persistence does is tell him you want him to reach your expectations (which he perceives as demands).
He’d rather do what’s best for him and distance himself from you so he can be alone as much as possible. He might also talk to other people. Talking is therapeutic and can help him overcome his depression. Some depressed dumpers shut people out of their lives, while others draw them in. This often depends on their personality, coping mechanisms, and the severity of their depression. Extremely depressed, inexpressive ones tend to avoid social interactions (at least initially) and try to get through the storm on their own.
You’d think that a depressed person wants help, but that’s oftentimes not the case. People with depression (especially guys) tend to internalize their problems and pain. They don’t like talking about their feelings because of their upbringing, beliefs, and wish not to be perceived as vulnerable and weak.
People are instinctual
It’s not just people with depression who distance themselves from others. Injured animals tend to follow the same pattern. They prefer to be on their own because solitude makes them feel safest. When they’re alone, they can focus on things they want to focus on and not worry about other possible dangers to their health and well-being.
If you’re wondering why your boyfriend broke up with you because of depression, here’s the answer you’re looking for. It’s in your boyfriend’s nature to isolate himself and cope by withdrawing. By distancing himself from you, he’s trying to stop worrying about your needs and focus solely on his own emotional survival.
Breakups caused by depression are more common than you might think. Depression can push couples apart, but it can also bring them back together when the dumper realizes he needs help and support. It’s one of those things that can affect dumpers in both bad and good ways.
Sometimes dumpers desperately seek help, and other times they do the exact opposite. Exes who become depressed after the breakup often crave a connection with the dumpee, while those who leave because of depression usually want a lot of alone time. If your ex broke up with you because of depression or made it seem like he was depressed, it’s clear that he needs lots of space and time to self-prioritize and process the breakup.
I don’t know how much time he needs, but you’ll find out when he’s done focusing entirely on himself and stops feeling pressured, scared, or depressed.
What to do if my boyfriend broke up with me because of depression?
If your boyfriend broke up with you because of depression (and didn’t just pretend to be depressed), you need to understand that his emotional well-being meddled with his ways of thinking and slowly forced him to fall out of love. It made him think that he lacked the time, energy, willpower, and love to stay in a relationship with you—and that he needed to find happiness without you.
The easiest way for him to do that was to leave the relationship and get rid of all relationship obligations and the feeling that you weren’t satisfied with him. Your ex felt that he wasn’t good enough and that the only way he could feel useful again was to be single and feel accomplished on his own.
I know you want to help your ex-boyfriend and perhaps even get back together with him, but try to remember that he’s going through a lot right now. Getting back together with you is the last thing on his mind. At the moment, he’s set on leaving and doesn’t want to talk about your regrets, pain, and urges to reconcile.
If you express your pain and reveal how badly you need him to be happy, you’ll show him you once again want him to do something he doesn’t want to do and trigger his guilt, depression, and need for space. You’ll make him feel the kind of emotions he’s been trying to leave behind.
Sadly, more guilt and depression won’t help him feel close to you. If anything, such negative emotions will increase his longing for solitude and make him want to come back even less. Simply put, the more you reason with him and want to be with him despite him finally deciding to leave, the more you’ll trap him and exhaust him.
So treat his depressed state like you would any other breakup and take the usual steps to heal and move forward. This includes dealing with the illusion of action, which is the need to do something to make him want to be with you.
It’s in your best interest to distance yourself from him physically and leave him alone emotionally. He needs distance to escape the negative emotions that led him to break up with you. Depression or not, remember that he’s unhappy and doesn’t want to be in a relationship. You can’t change his mind just by wanting to help him.
Your presence makes his depression worse, even if your relationship expectations are completely healthy.
Whatever your ex blamed the breakup on, he doesn’t want you around. He’s probably trying to keep himself busy to avoid anything that reminds him of you. That leaves you with a clear post-breakup plan that involves following the rules of no contact and letting him come to you when or if he wants to. He’ll want to when he improves his perception of you or falls even deeper into depression and realizes that things were better when he was with you.
Here are my simple instructions on what to do when your boyfriend breaks up with you because of depression.
If your ex-boyfriend decided to protect himself from getting hurt, he’s actually giving you a valuable tip, which is to protect yourself from getting hurt further. You shouldn’t feel too bad and think that he’s secretly hoping for your pity and support. If he wanted that, he would have expressed a desire to talk about his problems and what he needed from you to stay in the relationship with you.
Since he isn’t doing that, focus on your emotional well-being rather than his. That way, you’ll exude high levels of self-esteem and self-control and show him that you understand what he’s going through. The guy needs to see that you have your feelings under control and that you won’t try to change his mind no matter what.
Initially, he’ll appreciate the space you’ve given him and feel relieved. But once he makes some emotional progress and starts feeling curious or nostalgic, he’ll probably reach out and try to learn more about you. He could ask you if you’re seeing anyone, friendzone you, or even try to get you back.
You must prepare for that moment by backing off, preserving your value, healing, and becoming the best version of yourself. You need to be emotionally healthy, confident, mature, and capable of helping your ex so you can add value to the relationship when your ex starts to question his post-breakup happiness.
Why did your depressed ex-boyfriend leave you?
It’s not uncommon to feel blindsided by a depressed boyfriend. A breakup caused by depression can be hard to predict or make sense of. One day, you’re supporting him through his stress, and the next, he no longer values your help or wants to be in a relationship.
This hurts a lot because you end up feeling used and discarded—like everything you did meant nothing, and you just weren’t good enough for him.
Before you engage in self-blame, you need to know that your ex-boyfriend left because he couldn’t communicate his problems and work on his issues alone or with you. Instead of learning more about depression and how unregulated depression can destroy commitment in the relationship, he acted on his negative feelings and pushed you away.
He decided that the best way to deal with his smothering emotions was to run away from them and not deal with them at all. Such behavior is no different from an ordinary dumper’s behavior. It’s what dumpers do to avoid dealing with a highly emotional situation that they lack control over.
The only difference is that depressed dumpers blame the breakup on their depression, whereas normal dumpers don’t. Emotionally healthy dumpers tend to make excuses, blame their ex, or just explain why things happened the way they did.
The most important thing you need to understand about breakups caused by depression is that they don’t happen overnight. If your boyfriend broke up with you because he’s depressed or unhappy, you can be certain he didn’t make that decision impulsively. His unhappiness had been building up for days, weeks, or maybe even longer.
At some point, he started thinking, “If I break up with my girlfriend, I can finally start focusing on myself instead of having to worry about her problems and needs. I can be free and spend more time on things that interest me and make me feel good.”
That’s why he started to crave a life without you and eventually detached completely. He went solo and began his recovery process.
Depression-driven breakups are preventable. But because many people lack the tools and willpower to properly address their feelings, they often handle them passively and let things spiral out of control. When they lose their feelings and the motivation to fix things, it’s usually too late to undo the damage done to the relationship. The only thing left to do is to break up and obtain the benefits the breakup provides.
Try to understand how he feels
It might be hard to put yourself in your ex’s shoes, but try this: imagine a part of your body, let’s say your shoulder, is hurting badly, and your boyfriend is trying to help. No matter what he does, he just can’t make it better.
Weeks go by, and the pain hasn’t disappeared. As a matter of fact, it’s only gotten worse because now you’re frustrated too.
Because of the pain that’s been bothering you for weeks, you’re starting to project your frustration onto your boyfriend. It’s not his fault, but the pain is making you feel irritated, forcing you to act out of character. You have no idea when (if ever) the pain will stop. You just know that relationship issues are making things worse and that you want to feel understood rather than ignored and annoyed.
Depression works the same way. It often consists of unexpressed emotions that build up over time. Eventually, as those repressed feelings grow stronger, a depressed person starts pushing people away—especially those close to him who can help him. He does this because those close to him come with expectations, requests, and sometimes even demands.
They want him to act a certain way, even though he’s dealing with a lot of problems at the same time and can’t meet their expectations.
As a result, he concludes that he’s better off on his own and that he needs to run away from people to focus on himself. And that’s what he ends up doing because running away lifts the burden of overwhelming responsibilities and gives him a sense of relief.
If your ex-boyfriend broke up with you because of depression, he clearly stopped valuing you and the relationship. This happened because he lacked the strength and willpower to resolve his problems before they became unresolvable. He didn’t take his mental health problems seriously and, as a result, developed the belief that you were stopping him from dealing with his pain and being happy.
What he didn’t know is that you were just being the same old you and that he fell out of love due to self-neglect and lack of action.
Will my ex come back when he’s not depressed anymore?
In theory, once your ex feels better, he should once again start thinking clearly. He should understand that you weren’t the main cause of his issues and feel ready to receive and give love. He may not necessarily come back to you for love because he might not let go of old perceptions of you.
But if he dates other people and fails, he might get hurt again and need someone to help him get through rejection.
Eckard Tolle, best known as the author of The Power of Now, said, “Pleasure is always derived from something outside you, whereas joy arises from within. The very thing that gives you pleasure today will give you pain tomorrow, or it will leave you, so its absence will give you pain.”
What Eckhart means is that people often rely on external sources for happiness—and your ex probably will too. He, too, will try to be happy by focusing on external things, such as other people’s validation. But when something bad happens (not implying that it will), he could want someone to help him feel whole again.
That someone could be you, provided he still likes and respects you.
Having said that, here’s a picture explaining the difference between internal and external happiness. Remember that many people rely heavily on external factors for happiness. They don’t have the tools or mindset to create it from within. And that makes them susceptible to stressors.
There’s no guarantee that your ex will come back after he’s dealt with depression and things that stress him, but if he starts dating again and gets hurt (or gets hurt in some other way), he could seek solace in you and try to obtain your validation.
It’s unlikely he’ll come back just because he’s no longer depressed. That’s because he will likely still hold on to the negative thoughts and emotions he associated with you days or weeks prior to the breakup. To come back, he’ll need to stop blaming you for his unhappiness and take accountability. That could happen when his self-esteem takes a dive.
So don’t think that he’ll run back to you the moment he feels better. He’ll most likely need a good incentive to respect you, love you, and want to be with you again. In other words, something or someone will have to open his eyes the hard way and make him nostalgic.
Did my boyfriend use depression as an excuse to break up with me?
“My boyfriend broke up with me because of depression” is not the only excuse dumpers use. I’ve heard just about every breakup excuse there is—and I can tell you that this one is a doozy. It’s different from other excuses because it’s tricky to understand and hard to respond to.
It makes you feel powerless and gives you nothing to work with. All you can do is accept the breakup and hope that your ex finds the help he needs.
As a dumpee, you likely can’t tell whether your ex-boyfriend is telling the truth or if he’s just unhappy with you and wants to get rid of you/replace you. You need to look at the signs of depression in order to know whether he’s truly depressed.
Here are some common signs of depression.
Judge him by his pre-breakup and post-breakup behavior. If he’s acting differently now (going out, partying, meeting new people, dating again, or sleeping around), he most likely isn’t depressed. He’s just relieved and elated and is going through the stages of a breakup for the dumper.
But if he’s avoiding people, blaming himself, eating irregularly, and missing out on sleep, then he’s likely dealing with genuine depression and needs a lot of understanding. Take a look at his breakup or post-breakup behavior, and you’ll know whether he tricked you into believing things outside of his control prevented him from staying with you.
It’s not you, it’s me!
If your boyfriend pretended to be depressed, you need to know that he used a very common “It’s not you, it’s me” excuse.” He fooled you into pitying him and leaving him to his devices so he could do whatever he wanted to do.
“It’s not you, it’s me” is a cowardly excuse dumpers use to prevent dumpees from blaming them for the breakup and making things difficult for them. They use it to calm their exes down an avoid bringing a negative reaction out of them. A reaction that could make them feel bad for leaving and causing immense suffering.
If your ex is going out a lot, sleeping with other women, and having a good time, he obviously isn’t depressed or having a hard time coping with stress. He’s just enjoying the space the breakup provides and is going to keep doing that until he stops feeling empowered by the breakup.
Whatever he does or doesn’t do, try not to take it personally. Try to forgive your ex (as hard as it may be) and avoid prying into his life by focusing on yourself and your loved ones. Soon, you’ll regain your strength and realize that your ex’s life no longer concerns you. It stopped concerning you when your ex gave up on you.
Here’s how you can tell if your ex-boyfriend is telling the truth.
- Observe his actions. Do they match his words?
- Does he appear sad and depressed after the breakup?
- Is he dating anyone or talking to other women?
- Is he saying bad things about you?
- Does he still talk to you or at least try to?
- Is he getting the help he needs?
- What’s he doing to overcome depression?
By asking yourself these questions, you’ll have a better understanding of what’s going on inside your ex-boyfriend’s head and whether he’s depressed or merely faking it to get space and alleviate his guilty conscience. Although it probably won’t help you get him back, it will give you some clarity and perhaps even closure.
My boyfriend broke up with me because of my depression
Let’s reverse roles for a minute. If your boyfriend broke up with you because of your depression (not his), all I can tell you is that you deserve better. He proved he didn’t care about you when you needed him the most, so he doesn’t deserve you at your best either. He’s not someone you can count on when you need help and feel hurt. That says a lot about your ex, so remember it whenever you struggle to cope with the breakup.
Tell yourself that your ex broke up with you due to a lack of emotional strength and empathy, rather than your personality and insecurities.
I know it can be hard to uplift someone going through depression, but that’s not a reason to walk away. It’s an opportunity to help, get closer to your partner, and make him feel grateful for life. He’ll value you more when you offer him a shoulder to lean on during his most difficult times.
And most people have multiple difficult times. They fall into depression at least once in their life. When they do, they need support, not abandonment.
I’ve seen this happen many times, and it’s honestly very sad. Depression puts additional weight on a relationship and makes couples struggle to stay emotionally connected. More often than not, the stronger person eventually loses respect for the depressed person and thinks of him or her as a burden.
Of course, this doesn’t happen all the time. Many overcome challenges even when both partners are dealing with depression. Mature couples support each other through emotional struggles because they’ve made a commitment to stay together and understand that life isn’t always rainbows and sunshine.
Sometimes life hands us lemons, forcing us to use our knowledge and strength. We should consider depression a test of commitment and perseverance.
People who leave you when you’re depressed aren’t worth your time
Unlike happy, mature couples, selfish boyfriends tend to do what’s best for themselves. They leave their partners at their lowest and run off to enjoy life on their own terms. They justify the breakup by saying or thinking that life’s too short to waste it on someone who holds them back.
Such people don’t deserve your care, and neither should you ask for theirs. A dog or a cat will probably give you more comfort and security than someone who finds it painfully hard to support his or her partner through tough times.
People tend not to care unless it affects them personally. And it affects them personally when they’ve been taught from an early age to help others, or when they experience difficulties themselves and learn that they need to help struggling people.
If your ex left you because of depression, you need to understand that he’s not your ideal partner. He can’t be one because someone who leaves when you’re struggling emotionally is in the relationship strictly for the good times. He’s happy when everything’s fine and unhappy or miserable when he can’t get what he wants from you. That makes him a user who only values the relationship when it benefits him.
Always remember that people who care about you will stay in your life and come to your aid. They’ll be there for you whether you ask them or not. Those are real friends/valuable romantic partners. They’re the people who truly have your best interests at heart—and they’re more than willing to show it by being there for you when you’re feeling down.
I understand that sometimes depression can change the dynamics of a romantic relationship. But leaving a person when he or she is going through something as difficult as depression is unacceptable. Not unless that person is aggressive. But then again, depressed people tend not to have the will to fight. They usually avoid fights and seek acceptance and support.
Think long and hard before you get back with an ex-boyfriend who broke up with you because of depression. Think about his personality and ability to support you long-term. Once you’ve done that, you’ll know whether he truly deserves your time, affection, and commitment.
Did your ex-boyfriend break up with you because of depression, and you’re wondering why he did that? Share your thoughts below. ⬇️
And if you want to discuss your breakup with us in private and want a faster, more detailed response, check out our coaching options here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hi everyone.
I am hoping someone reads my story and provides me with positive comforting advice.
I will spare you a book of details, but in brief, our relationship goes back about 2 1/2 years. He lost a parent the first year of our relationship, and went quiet immediately. Understandable. I gave him space. Then after reaching out to him with a text of support during this initial grief, he texted back. Few weeks went by and he went quiet needing time to himself. It became two months of no contact.
Then he reached out to me. And in baby steps, the communication came back. I didn’t bombard him. I made him feel safe. And sure enough he came back and we got back in a deeper bond then ever before. The way he look at me, his eyes, said I love you I need you. The feelings were absolutely reciprocated and mutual.
Fast forward, two years later. He was doing fine until he got triggered by a memory of his late parent. He is naturally an introvert with his feelings, would cry in private, reminisce and hurt. I noticed the change but didn’t pressure him to share and open up. I comforted him the best I could with hugs, kisses, company.
Two days ago (and a week after the return of depression/grief), he called me. In a cold, serious voice, he said he needed space and couldn’t be in a relationship right now. He wanted to be alone from EVERYONE (btw hes an only child). He said he wanted to stay friends, that I was a great person, he just couldnt have a relationship right now. He said he was going to seek professional help to deal with his grief. I said I respect that, I worry about him, he’s my everything. I asked him to come over lets go for a walk, talk in person, etc. But he declined. He said he wasn’t feeling himself. He said that he has to work on himself and he had to be alone. He confessed he’s been emotionally upset, that he’s been crying for days and days. He said he feels like he has to do this, doesnt want to hurt me, but he wants to be alone from the world. He can’t be in a relationship right now. Just wants to be friends. I said I was crushed, and sad and I’ll miss you…but I understand. I wish I could say something to help you. He kept the conversation short, literally 5 minutes. I was speechless. He said “well, bye”. And I said softly, bye. That was it.
So now I am here, writing to you, with a broken heart. I miss my best friend, my world. I want him healthy and will give him the space this time (again) via the “NO CONTACT RULE”. Last time this happened, he took two months to return to my arms. I pray that he comes back sooner than later. I miss him like crazy. We invested our hearts and minds into each other for almost 3 years. Too much to throw away. His request will be respected and I dont want to push him away.
Any advice? I want nothing more in the world tonight then to hold him in my arms. I don’t understand why depressed men have to push away their loved one instead of leaning on them. I’m going to put positive vibes out there in the universe that he will return back to me in a few weeks. I’m trying to keep positive and my head up. I see him everywhere I go and I’m sure he does to. My cellphone has been quiet all day and now all night too. My heart breaks in his absence. I’m still committed to him in my heart and head. And I believe in my heart of hearts, he’s still mine…. while he takes this break to “work on himself”.
Please advise. All is appreciated.
Thank you!
Exact same is happening with me right now. I’m crushed. Have you heard from him?
Same thing happening to me right now. I don’t think I handled it quite as well, I got upset but now I’m accepting it has nothing to do with me. Have you held off on texting your partner?
Hi Katie. Did you hold off on texting your partner too? I’m going through the same thing and I’m crushed and really debating sending him a simple i hope youre doing well text.
I have recently experienced this too. I am heartbroken and miss him. I have accepted it that we are done. I’m scared that I’ll hope we’ll get back together because no one knows what will happen at all in the future or how long they will need time to rebuild themselves and find inner peace and happiness.
It would be nice to talk to someone who has the same experience as I.
I was having an amazing connection and pretty much dating with someone long distance. However, something happened and caused him to feel depressed all of a sudden. His words after I asked him if this was just an excuse to break up:
I’m going to be straight with you, it’s not a cop out answer. This is me right now wanting to deal with this sense of dread by myself without someone else. You know I’d be very honest with you if I found this long distance not working out and I would just tell you straight up vs beating around the bush. With what happened to my grandma was the last item on the dish before it all spilled over and I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I am very unhappy right now with how fast my life is unfolding, it’s literally how life goes and it sucks, its the main reason why I don’t want to be with anyone right now and I don’t want you to wait for me because I don’t know how long this sense of dread is going to last. If I tell you 3 months, will I be ok in 3 months? It sets an unhealthy expectation that I’ll be better by x amount of time. I hope we can move forward as friends for now, please understand I would want to talk to someone from time to time without an expectation, are you ok with that? I want to let you know, I’m not abandoning you, I’m not cutting you off, you are an amazing person, I really just need time by myself right now and I feel the obligation of a long distance is something I can’t give with how much is going on.
This was a week ago. After hearing that, I called him to talk, but I let my emotions get the best of me. I started asking him questions which stressed him out more. He told me he would talk to me later, but he did not talk to me after a few days later. So I reached out to him and at first we talked normally but I started questioning everything again. And he told me that all my questions were stressing him out and causing him panic attacks. I didn’t know it would be so much for him. I told him I will leave him alone for a while. I’m just hurting so much from this but I know that he’s not in the right mindset to make me feel better. 🙁
Hi Michelle have you heard anything from him? My partner said I stressed him off too.
Hi Zan,
I have come across this article from frantically googling anything that will help me understand what happened with my ex and I.
We were together for 20 months and recently uprooted to a new country together which had many stresses; new jobs, homes, less money etc.
He has suffered from depression before and stopped taking anxiety meds when we moved.
When I knew him previously he never suffered bouts of depression but I started noticing that this was happening every month or so in the new country when he would get extremely down, not be able to undertake simple tasks, want to be left alone and so on.
I admit I found this very hard to deal with and struggled to leave him alone, wanted to talk about it etc which probably made it worse.
He became very irritable with me and I took it very personally; we were constantly bickering and all affection had gone as in he ceased to touch/kiss me completely.
I asked him many times to see a counsellor/psychologist and/or take the meds but he refused.
His new job is extremely stressful with a horrible boss who treats him very badly.
In my mind there have been so many external factors which have contributed to this.
He ended it a month ago and kept saying ‘It’s not going to work, it’s not going to work’.
He then told me not to leave our shared flat and we should take it day by day.
I stayed but it was very difficult, we were existing but not really a couple in any sense of the word.
The night when he ended it again a week later I put my cheek to his to get a kiss and he said he needed more time.
I then left to a hotel, we met a few days later and he said “It’s over”. I agreed that we haven’t been making each other happy and so on but of course I was devastated.
I didn’t ask outright was it because of the depression because he acts as though he is not depressed (refusing to acknowledge it etc).
However since moving all my stuff out and moving into a new house which has been a real struggle for me as I know nobody in this city, I am starting to realise that he was very depressed.
I am thinking over and over again that I didn’t support him in the way that he needed (he told me he didn’t want to talk about it but I insisted etc).
My own mental health has suffered considerably as a result.
Reading your article has made me think even more that I didn’t react in the right ways at all 🙁
I tried to do no contact for my own benefit since breaking up, he has been in touch asking if I am ok… most recently he has said that this is very hard for him too although I may not think that it is.
My work have enabled me to see a counsellor so I have an appointment booked next week.
I have deactivated my Facebook because I can’t bear to see what he is up to (He has kept the profile picture of us the same but recently changed his relationship status which upset me deeply even though I know it’s over).
He told me categorically “It’s not going to work; he doesn’t see a future with me; maybe we could be friends later on.’
But I don’t know what to think.
Should I continue no contact for a few weeks and see if he reaches out?
I am desperate to see him, for us to be like the way we were especially as I feel very alone in this new city.
He is living with friends so I know he has some sort of a support network.
I just go through stages of feeling like I ruined it because I pushed him away as I didn’t know how to handle it and stages of grief, then feeling like I need to cut him out in order to get over him.
I really feel lost and would appreciate any advice you can offer.
Thank you so much
Hello Zan,
Thank you for your article, it has helped me understand my now ex boyfriend better and help me get a closure.
My story with my ex is quite complicated. We broke up about ten days ago over the phone when I was away on vacation, we saw each other two days ago to say goodbye in person. I’ll make the story short, from the my boyfriend opened up to me about how he had suffered depression before in his life. So he tended to show a few signs of depression yet he had a lot of amazing things going for him in his life and our relationship was so special that it brought us both so much happiness. After 8 months of dating, he was diagnosed with Lymphoma, lymph nodes cancer. This broke my heart, I was on my last semester of Business School, and he had just graduated and was starting to work for a startup. This obviously turned our life upside down. We were two weeks away from a trip to Israel and Turkey, had already paid for everything and the first week of the trip was with the University. He was obviously not going to the trip, we were waiting for the biopsy results. I decided not to go either, he was a million time more important, so I lost the money and everything. I stayed my his side the whole process, the hospitals, doctors, everything. I cried with mother and held his hand when he got the results. Short story, he went away to Stanford to get treated, with the best doctor in the states for Lymphoma. His parents moved to San Jose and rented an apartment there during his treatment. I visited him very often, and stayed an entire month with them, living with his family and helping him through the treatment. He bought a dog over there, we got him together with family, that dog became our child practically. His treatment went perfectly, he responded amazingly, and since it is a “curable” cancer, he practically got cured. I say practically because he still has to get a pet-scan every six month for five years in order to rule put it ever coming back. After 8 months of treatment he came back. Back to his job, back to his friends, to his family and back to me. This was only 2 months ago. He came back and nothing was the way it used to be. He was disengaged in the relationship, his priority was his work. And as days went by he talked to me less, he was less interested and he was less happy with his work and everything. He started to struggle a lot with what he was going to do in his life, something he had always had a strong pressure, now he wanted to leave a soon as possible to a masters abroad at a top university, and wasn’t finding the joy in his job as he used to. He pulled away from me each time more. And having him back and healthy to me was the time to enjoy ourselves more and spend more time together. As he pulled away I suffered and as I tried to understand I still demanded attention from him, it became a constant argument on how he didn’t care about me and was so cold about our relationship. We had talks, which he always tried to avoid, on how we had to work through this. Another important aspect is that while he got sickC, I got into diagnosed anxiety a some low depression myslef, his sickness and my finishing school at the same time, was too much and started to go to a psychiatrist, got medicated on antidepressants. I was doing really bad, I went to about ten doctors because I felt like I was sick myself and was tired the whole time. So, I had anxiety and he came back pushing me away and this made my anxiety worse, and probably my need of attention his depression worse. After so much I put into being there for him, he wasn’t able to give back. In the end we were arguing more often and when I went on vacation he just wouldn’t care to talk to me, ask how I was doing, it was me calling him, and basically my best friend who I wanted to run to tell him about all the amazing things I was experiencing on my trip, wasn’t there. So after analyzing out relationship for three hours, he finally made the decision that it was best for him to break up. That he needed to be selfish because he wasn’t feeling well, he wasn’t him self and couldn’t have me around, he said he wanted to start from zero and so I couldn’t be a part of that. It’s even more complicated than that, because for months, since I graduated I had a awful time trying to get my professional life started. Many aspects contribute to that, but in general it is that I was in between starting my own business and starting to work at my family’s restaurant with the hope to expand it. However, For all those month I didn’t progress on either. My anxiety played a big part on that and my being so dedicated to my sick boyfriend, traveling to see him and always there for him when he needed. He became my priority, I put him before my needs and my next steps. I lost myself and to him that was a disappointment, he is very ambitious and was always put a big pressure on himself for success and hard work. I’ve always wanted that for myself too, but in general I’ve always struggled with that, my self steam and being able to push myself, so fingers my self with anxiety made me feel so tired. And he said that was a problem on our relationship, that I was too relaxed and and to him it was so important to be self driven. The thing is I was anything but relaxed, I couldn’t find my push, but it a constant burden inside of me, that I needed to start my life. In the end, when we broke up, he said it was because of his need to be alone and recover, and how I wasn’t what he needed, because I was “too relaxed” and he wanted someone who could be, basically, better than him at this moment since he was struggling with knowing what to do and what he wanted to do with his professional life. He said he didn’t feel the same way about me as he used to. This all broke my heart, it teared me apart. I accepted his decision in the end. I saw hi two days ago, I went to his house to hand him back booms and other things I had, and the gifts I had gotten for him and his mother from my trip, and a letter a long letter I wrote to him. The letter was a loving, respectful, understanding letter. Which said goodbye and understood the situation. He barely said a word. He was mute, he was so serious, I was barely able to get a word from him. He read the letter, his eyes got a bit teared and red but he basically only said that he sympathized with me, that I knew was what had been for him, that he was there for me and that this was selfish from him but it was the best for him.
What I’m terribly hurt by, is his lack of understanding in me, I’m in such a pain. I gave so much for him, I sacrificed for him, and all of this damaged me. I put him first and all he saw was someone who couldn’t take control of her life and that made him loose admiration for me. And I understand the importance of putting yourself first, and focusing on your life and passions. But I became ill with anxiety and he couldn’t understand it. Yes, he most likely has a big depression which is more than acceptable with everything that happened. But do you think he really fell out of love with me? Does he really think he needs another type of woman in his life? Did he really not want me anymore? The depression part, I understand even better now. But do you think his depression is what made him see me like so little? Or are those two things separate?
Thank you very much.
This article was very helpful!
My boyfriend of just over a year broke up with me due to depression. From the start of the relationship i knew he had depression. Everything was always so good , we were so close, but there would be times he would be feeling down and would kind of keep his distance from and when he was sad and i would comfort him or give him the space he needs, but then eventually he would come back to me all happy again. We dealt with these moods every month or so. But now the last month or so he has been very distant from me, hasn’t put effort into me, always with his mates, stopped coming to my house as much. As this was happening i was getting quite annoyed thinking why is he doing this to me? But when we were together we would be good, he be cuddling me and acting ok even though there was times he be in a mood and tell me hes sad. About a week ago he was quite off and distant from me and was not sure how he felt about the relationship. I called him while he was away that weekend just curious what was happening and he told me it wasn’t me and that he’s just not happy with himself. Exactly a week past and on the saturday night after he had all his mates over and got really drunk, we did have an argument that day because i was upset with him always never putting effort into me, we did plan to go out that night but i canceled as i was mad. So he chose to get drunk with his mates. The next day i met up with him and we spoke, He broke up with me because he needs time to be alone and i don’t think he can handle a relationship. I know he was possibly thinking about this for a while. But i’m just so heartbroken and don’t want him going through this depression alone. I tried telling him lets have a break before making the big call. But he told me he just can’t do it. I respect his decision i would never force him into anything. I know im still going to message him every now and then to see how he is doing. Its only been 2 days since the break up and yesterday was the first day we haven’t spoke. But I am just holding onto hope that he ay come back to me as id love to help him through it.
I really need some advice on what to think. I am trying to move on as i don’t want to just sit and wait and hope but it just doesn’t feel right that its over and as i said before he would get in moods but then made his way back to me and i just have some hope he may come back or he may not. I’m just giving him the space he needs from me.
Any helpful thoughts on this situation?
Hi Jess,
Funnily enough I am also called Jess and going through a very similar situation, just 10 days later! If you’d like to talk it would be nice to talk to someone going through the same thing. Let me know 🙂
Hi jess,
The same thing is happening to me as well. On day 2. What has happened with you and him since then? Did it get any better?
Thanks,
Nicole
SAME situation here. Dumped me a day before a government imposed shutdown. Now I’m so lonely. I though things were OK. I knew he was depressed and I also helped him through it best I could, always remaining patient and understanding. Then, out of nowhere the realization that he doesn’t know what he wants out of a relationship and that he doesn’t know if he loves me. It hurts so much. I just don’t understand. If anyone wants to chat, please let me know.
Same here, he just self isolated himself as soon as the corona stuff started…..so he’s been barely seeing me more than maybe once a week, not touching me because of the virus, and don’t even mention coming to my house or me going to his. He’s been depressed since last year….and I tried all what I could, we even had a break because I couldn’t really cope with his way of treating me. On Saturday, he finally said he couldn’t really deal with the pressure from the relationship or willing to move forward, that thinking about a lockdown together was a no from him, that he never could go over our previous conflicts and just kept digging a gap between us.
And this whole self isolation stuff sort of really worsen it all. I guess he used it as an excuse to finally push me away and have a proper reason to don’t see each other at all….although he wouldn’t call me as much either. He has barely left the house, not even for a walk or get some air. He has expressed me how depressed he has been feeling. And that’s it….he just decided to let me go…that he wouldn’t do all on his power to make me feel safe.
Hey guys, I am honestly going through that all too where he suddenly gets in moods where he seems like he doesnt care about me at all then comes back eventually. He even broke up with me because he gets to those moods and then says he doesnt care about anyone or anything he doesnt trust anyone he doesnt have friends. But then says he just doesnt want a relationship right now. I just recently posted my story under Natalie if you guys wanna read it and let me know what you think. Jess i just recently got some advice from a friend too that i should just let him be and realize that if he really wants you hell see that in time. Otherwise he wont come back. And it really hurt to hear so i seeked more adivce. But other than that, that was the best i got. I think they dont realize that the relationship isnt the reason for their sadness or problems so they take it out on us. And were the ones being left thinking they dont care about how we feel. Only seem that seemed to work a bit was the no contact period he apologized after a week but we still didnt get back toegether but he at least thought of me you know and that was good to feel. So I hope this helped. Let me know what you think of my story if you can help me with what you think. Thanks <3
I was dumped also right in the beginning of the lock down. It’s so lonely and sad. I wish he would give me answers. How are you doing? If anyone wants to chat I’m on twitter as katielovespink
Same here guys. Moving to a new city and job combined with covid-19 triggered a major depressive and suicidal episode in him. He always told me he suffered with depression but I had never seen it before. He ended things with me after 5 years of being madly in love, we even considered each other actual soul mates. I’ve had trouble functioning the past month without him but I know deep in my soul that he will come back to himself with time. Whether or not anything will be salvageable by then is a mystery.
Hi Zan,
Thank you so much for this article. My ex boyfriend and I were in a long distance relationship for about 2 months. A few days into the relationship he told me he has been suffering with depression for a few months and he even started seeing a therapist. His situation got worse and he was on medication too. During this time he had resigned from his previous job and was looking for a new job and nothing was working out. I ended things with him abruptly because I too was mentally at a good place following a traumatic personal experience. However, I later apologized to him and we continued to talk to each other occasionally and check up each other. However, a little over a month ago we ended things completely. But recently a few days back, he texted me again on Hangouts as he had deactivated all his social media including WhatsApp. Asked me how I was, etc. What does this mean? He still has not recovered and hasn’t found a job yet. I still love him, but I don’t want to get closer to him again and hurt myself.
My boyfriend broke up with me when I got home from work a week ago. We have been dating for a year and a half and live together. I was completely blind-sighted and so were my family and friends because we were the fairytale always happy couple. He told be he wasn’t happy with the person he is now and he doesn’t know he will ever be. I told him that we could get through anything together and that I just need to understand what was going on. He made it clear he wants to be alone now and in the future and asked me not to call or text. He said he would reach out when he was ready to talk in 1-2 weeks but I feel like I am loosing him. The more space he has the more he can move on. He is staying at a friends now and still has stuff in the apartment but I told him there was no rush to move out. I started going to therapy myself because I am taking the advice that everyone has given me to take care of myself. I don’t want to loose him to this and I want him to see the person I see every single day. Kind, wonderful, smart, capable of anything. Is the only solution to give him space? Is there nothing else I can do or say? I know he loves me. he told me this was the hardest decision he ever had to make but why would he make it if we were so happy together? Why can’t he take some time out of the relationship but with the goal of returning? Does it have to be this complete cut off of our lives together? I am willing to do anything and everything for this person. He is not broken and this does not define who he is.
Hi there, I’d really love to get your email and contact you, were going through a very similar situation right now and I think it would be good to speak to eachother about how we feel and share advice. Contact me xx
Hi. Im going through the exact same thing and i would also really like to talk to somebody in that situation… Please. xx
Hi
I believe your article made me understand my ex better.
My ex and I had been dating for almost 2 months when he broke up with me.
Everything in our relationship was going well. We had lots of fun together and we cared for each other. He demonstrated his feelings more easily than I did. He said he loved many times, he always opened up with me and treated me with respect.
Of course, he had some tension a couple of times. For instance, we were together one day kissing and he was at the same time talking to me. Because I have anxiety, I have a hard time answering or commenting on what people are saying right away. So he assumed and said to me that I didn’t know what I wanted and if I really liked him. That hurt me and I told him and we talked and were just fine the next day. To me, we were both doing our best to be together and have a nice relationship.
Then, he came to me on a Tuesday and he broke up with me. He told me he was not feeling good, that he needed to be alone to figure things out and that he could not be together with me anymore. I just said at the time that I didn’t want to break up but that I respected his feelings and if it would do him good to be out of our relationship I agreed to breaking up. But I was in shock.
On the same day, I still sent him a message saying I wished him well and I needed time to think more and see if I needed to say more. Three days later, he sent me a message asking to chat. I was angry but wanted to go over that and we talked. He told me again how he was feeling and how great I was but he needed to be alone. I just said I understood him but I was very hurt.
One week later, after talking to my best friend, I decided to text him. I told him I was trying to understand why things happened that way. I told him I thought our relationship, which was so good and chill, had given him the chance to see he needed to go after his past traumas and find a way to get better. He kinda agreed.
Another week later, I felt I would feel better asking him why the way he broke up with me was the only way he thought fit to do so. I wished he had told me how he was really feeling, say he thought best to break up and ask me my opinion. That’s because the basis of our relationship was dialogue and mutual respect and the way he broke up with me was as if he was the only one in the relationship. I don’t think he accepts this as a mistake but he seemed to understand my point.
For two weeks, I was doing “ok”. I hadn’t text him at all, but I felt a bit bad. It felt to me that the person I dated was someone completely different from the person he really was. I had to see him a few times because we work at the same company and that is why I started noticing his behavior, totally different.
However, I was talking to a co-worker about my ex, how he treated me in the end and how he didn’t seem to be doing better after our separation (we had a company party and he was smoking and getting drunk there). I ended up saying who he was even though I had no intention to do so. I felt really bad and texted my ex apologizing and letting him know this co-worker now knew about us. He said he was ok and didn’t hate me.
Now I am trying to be strict to myself. I’m not going to a company lunch, so I don’t see him. I’m also not going to any get together our co-workers organize because I know he will be there and I don’t want to see him or make the people who know what happened to us uncomfortable. Am I doing the right thing?
I feel really sad that this happened and I know it happened because of his depression. But I don’t think his therapy or medication is working. I feel worried but I don’t think telling him that will help him in any way.
I’m still trying to understand why this happened to me. It’s hard to move on because he was my first boyfriend and our relationship was very intense. The week he broke up with me, I was ready to tell him I loved him and wanted to have sex for the first time with him that week. Now, I feel I want him to regret what he did and come back to me, but I don’t think he would do that. I told him there was no coming back.
How do I deal with all that?
Thanks for the article and for giving me your opinion in case you do.
My boyfriend and I have been together for the past 8 months (I realize this isn’t long to most people but it is to me as I don’t carry romantic relationships for very long because I just don’t feel a connection). We are just out of college (23) and have known each other since high school but were never really close until now. We started things off casually and he warned me from the beginning that he didn’t want a relationship. He’s always been open about the fact that he struggles with anxiety and depression and he is convinced that he manages it fine when I know that he turns to vices and claims therapy doesn’t work for him so he doesn’t go.
Anyways, I wasn’t too concerned about having a serious relationship with him when he warned me but things escalated and we both caught feelings. Soon enough we were going on dates and he even invited me to a family event. His mother told me how happy I make him. He seemed like he enjoyed this so I said enough is enough and I suggested to him that since we were essentially dating that we should just label ourselves that way. He told me that he felt the same way but that he is scared and doesn’t think that he can be enough for me. I made him list all of the negative things he thinks of himself and he cried. He said he almost asked me to be his girlfriend but hesitated and felt it was a bad sign so he thinks we should just go back to being friends. He says that this isn’t about me and that he cares about me so much, he thinks I’m amazing. He admitted it’s problems he has with himself and that I have already been more patient with him than he feels he deserves.
Of course this breaks my heart as I don’t fully understand why he can’t trust me and take this chance. If he knows that he struggles with this and is comfortable to tell me, why can’t he trust me to help him maneuver this together?
We tried to hang out a few times after breaking it off and I kept pressuring him for answers because my mind is reeling: how could he say that he has such deep feelings for me and care so much for me but not WANT a relationship? What about a relationship doesn’t he want and why am I not enough to outweigh those negative things in his mind?
I ended up saying a lot of things that I now know I shouldn’t have like critiquing the way that he is so emotionally closed off to people and things like that. It made him cry and I apologized and he said that he understood where it came from. I suggested that we take some space to cool off and he agreed. During that time he purposefully showed up to a friend’s house he knew I was at to get something from her (which earlier on in the night he said he could just get the next day in order to avoid me but then changed his mind) but also refused to come inside because he didn’t want to see me and I thought that was childish. He has been actively liking my posts on social media and viewing all of my stories.
It had almost been two weeks since we hadn’t talked so I swallowed my pride and texted him first. I let him know that I am here for him and he thanked me but seemed to dismiss it a little. I have been talking to him more on a regular basis and he said that he wanted to take our regular communication slow because he’s still emotionally raw and talking to me makes him feel a bit uncomfortable. I have been respecting his wishes and encouraged him to reach out to me if he was having bad days which he said he would try to do.
I have gone into a depressive episode over this (and other issues I have been suppressing) and am seeking therapy. I understand that I need to take care of myself before him but I miss him so much and I feel that our relationship is worth fighting for. I wish he could see himself the way that I see him, this beautiful, great, and amazing person, and I don’t know what to do. I see him as being so hopeless for himself and I want to support him, not change him, but I feel like he is so far away from me now. I feel like time is needed but I don’t know how much or what to do. I don’t know how close to stay to him in a way that’s comfortable to me and him and rebuilds what we had.
Dear Zan –
I have been in an exclusive relationship with my boyfriend for almost a year now. It’s a long distance relationship, but at first he made an effort to meet up as often as possible, and he texted me everyday. Both he and I are divorced. About 4 months into our relationship, he lost his job and everything changed. He did find a new job, but he just didn’t seem to bounce back. He stopped texting as much, and has frequently cancelled plans to meet. Now, almost a year in, he sent me a text saying that while he adores me and misses me, he can’t commit to a relationship because he is depressed, needs to get settled. He also said he still misses his ex wife and the life they had together, although he knows that is over. He says he needs time and understands if I don’t want to wait. I am absolutely heartbroken. I don’t know what to do. He says he wants to keep communicating, but I’m worried that maybe he’s just stringing me a long and i will end up getting even more hurt. He says he has feelings for me, but he can’t connect with them right now because of his depression. What do I do?
Jessica
Hi Jessica.
I suggest that you don’t act on emotions or you could end up pushing him far away.
If you want a chance with him in the future when he’s healed, I strongly suggest that you respect his wish and lower your expectations of the relationship for now.
He can’t reciprocate your feeling because he can’t even take care of his own right now.
Ultimately, what you decide to do is up to you.
But if you want my opinion, you do one of the following:
– Prioritize your well-being and go no contact
– Stay in contact and see if he improves
Best regards,
Zan
Dear Zan,
My boyfriend brokeup with me a few days ago because of depression. Before this, he kept telling me that our relationship doesnt work. We tried a few ways to make us happier and comfortable and it works every time, such as giving each other more time, to focus on ourselves more . One day( which was a few days ago). He asked me to leave him alone as he is getting more and more scared when he hears my text ringtone. I don’t always text him as I am working all day. We only text at night or in the morning (usually just replying each other). He said that right now hes heart doesnt want to be in a relationship in me but he said that he still love me. He also said that when he’s ready he will come back to me but in the meantime he said that he cannot promise me that he wont fall in love with someone else. I am so confused on should I wait or not. He hasnt talk to me since that and also deleted post on his social media one picture per day. I really don’t know what to do…
Thanks
Serene
Hi Serene.
It’s evident that he doesn’t love you, otherwise, he wouldn’t say that he can’t promise you he won’t fall in love with someone.
Your ex may be depressed, but this won’t stop him from dating someone new. That’s why I strongly suggest you start moving on and eventually dating someone who can commit to you.
Best regards,
Zan
My boyfriend of one year and I broke up due to his depression. He told me he wants to be alone and overcome depression on his own. He said he loves me and he wants to get better, so he can be the man that I deserve and be together again. We broke up two weeks ago, but after four days of the breakup, he reached out and have been texting me on a daily ever since. He has been texting me as if we were still together. I know he is hurting and I really want to be there for him. But him reaching out this much is really confusing to me. We broke up because he wanted space to be alone, but how can I give him the space he wanted if he is constantly texting me? I really don’t want to lose him and I know we both have hope in getting back together down the road. With this rate that is going, we might as well get back together. However, I am worried to bring up this conversation as I don’t want to push him into anything. I am really confused. How should i handle or approach this situation with him?
Hi Samantha.
Talk to him whenever he reaches out to you. It’s safe to be kind and respectful, just don’t demand anything in return. Give him the time and space to come back to you on his own terms.
Best,
Zan
My boyfriend who i’ve been with for almost 2 years and 9 monts has been complaining on and off this year of feeling depressed for no reason, lately he went on a vacation for his friends where he assumed that for the last days in the trip he felt depressed and had suicidal ideas and couldn’t go on the trips anymore and prefred stating in the hotel room. Since he came back he was happy to see me but not too excited we got into a fight regarding me smoking as he wants me stop, i promised him that i will quit yet the same night he started to ignore me till the next day he texted me that he needs space till he feels okay he is going to come back.
Now its been a month i’ve been texting him like crazy in between and sometimes he would answer in a very rude way telling me that i dont understan him, and he doesnt have to explain him self every time and keeps telling that he wont leave me he just needs space, most of the times he will completely ignore me.
I am not feeling okay at all and I’m afraid of taking bad decisions, i feel that his depression is giving me depression, my brother spoke to him and asked about him as we were planning for our marriage, he stated that he is going for therapy now and he still wants me back once he is feeling okay! Shall i wait ? What if after waiting all this time he changes his mind and doesn’t want me anymore?
Hi Maryam.
You have to do as he says. Let him focus on himself while you work on yourself.
If he wants you, he will do so only when you respect him. So start respecting him and you’ll maximize your chances of making your relationship work.
Kind regards,
Zan
Dear Zan,
My (ex) boyfriend and me have been together for almost 10years. Around last year and 6months ago, we have already been planning about our wedding, where our honeymoon would be, and he has been starting to save up for it. About around 4months ago, his work load started to weigh him down. He has always been traveling due to work, he lacked sleep because of all the documents he needed to finish, his boss keeps giving him more work load. He started to distance himself from me and his family. He told me about his situation right now, he told me that he couldn’t take strong emotions for now. He wanted to take care of himself, he wanted to be selfish and only think of himself. He said nothing else is on his mind right now but work. He cried in front of me after I hugged him tight and told him that everything will be alright and I know that he can get through with this. He said that he doesn’t want to be unfair with me and so the best decision he could think is to break up with me. I told him that I won’t ask him to get back together, and I told him that I won’t stop him from being selfish. I told him that I still love him no matter what and I’ll always be here for him. And now, I’m doing my best not to contact him. I really wanted to be there for him. It pains me seeing how drained he looked. And now I’m trying my best to stand on my own.. I’m still in denial right now and I really don’t know what to do.
Hi Rose.
Thanks for the comment.
Your ex has given you an explanation as to what he needs to be happy.
You may be in denial, but you need to listen to him and give him the space he’s asked for.
It’s the only way to not make your breakup worse, so leave him alone for now.
You won’t change his mind.
And once his stressful situation at work subsides, he might talk to you and maybe want more.
But until that happens, stay strong!
Kind regards,
Zan
It gives me a lot of comfort knowing that I’m not alone, since I thought I was for the longest time.
My boyfriend is depressed. And we are on the verge of breaking up, because he doesn’t know when or if he will ever get better and get over this numbness that he experiences on a daily. He feels like he can’t give me what I deserve and it pains him not being able to be the boyfriend that he thinks I deserve. We love each other deeply, and as much as we don’t want to separate, we both think it’s probably best that he puts all his energy in himself and in getting better.
I am truly devastated, especially after seeing him cry about being scared of losing me but at the same time knowing that he needs to be alone. We haven’t made a decision as to what to do yet exactly (separate or stay together).
I am really confused because I love him and really don’t want to give up on him or this relationship.
Hi Anne.
I know you don’t want to give up on him, but you must for your own sake.
Holding on to false hope is going to prolong your pain, so let him go for now.
Allow him to do what he wants while you do what you want.
Best,
Zan
My ex of almost 3yrs broke up with me because he wanted the space to figure things out. It’s been almost 5mos now. His therapist has prescribed meds for his depression. He has told me he still loves me but he can not be the man I deserve now. He tells me he knows he’s taking a chance with this separation. He hopes in the future he could be the man I always wanted and perhaps reconnect then. I tried to leave him alone but he continues to reach out. I’ve told him I am willing to be his partner through all of this but he continues to tell me he needs space. I don’t want to abandon him but he breaks my heart every time he pulls me in. I’m finding it difficult to practice self preservation while also trying to be supportive.
Hi Vanessa.
Let your ex deal with depression while you focus on yourself.
From now on, whenever he contacts you, be your best self. Be kind and supportive and stay true to your best personality traits.
If he ever wants you back, it’s after you’ve improved and become full of positive vibes.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hello
My (ex) boyfriend has been dealing with depression and anxiety over the last couple of months. Yes, it’s something he’s dealt with before, but never this bad. There was an instance he tried to end things in a moment of panic feeling he couldn’t give me what I need and deserve, but he came back after a week wanting to work through it. A month later (about a month ago) he ended things again in a moment of panic. He called me a week later crying saying he loved me, then again went out of contact. Two weeks later he wanted to see me to talk in person. As much as we tried to restrain ourselves we had a very passionate evening, him telling me how much he loves me and when he sees me he feels all these things even though otherwise, he’s numb. He says he loves me he misses me but he’s not ready for a relationship and doesn’t know if or when he will be. It’s only been a few days since this and he’s texting me every day very casually – things like good morning, how’s your day going. Very dry, unemotional texts. He’s very aware that I love him and want him back, though I do not contact him if he doesn’t contact me and I do not beg or cry or question. I let him go when he goes. Before the depression we were amazing. Both crazy about each other. I’m just wondering if you have any advice on how to handle this situation where he’s texting me like this? If you might have any insight into why he’s doing that- if he’s attempting to maintain a relationship with me in case he wants me back or if he feels guilty? I can’t handle being his friend when I’m this in love with him and I’ve made it clear I do not want to be a friend with benefits. Any advice ?
Hi Amy.
He’s probably texting you casually because he’s trying to control his feelings for you. He doesn’t feel happy with himself so he can’t invest in you.
That’s why he should probably get therapy and work on himself before he attempts to come back to you. It’s crucial for your relationship to work.
So if he comes back, I suggest you recommend therapy and be a bit more strict with him.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey Amy,
I am going through a really similar situation right now! We broke up because he wants to be alone and work on getting better. he feels like he’s incapable of being in a relationship right now or be the man that I deserve. We still love each other dearly. We are broken up now but he still texts me here and there on a daily basis. I would like to know if your situation has improved or what your situation is right now if you don’t mind sharing!
Jenn
Dear Zan, I am now in a relationship with someone who is depressed and he is now breaking up with me. Even before we started our relationship he already had history of depression but things in his life goes much better when I came he said. Two months ago, I got jealous of his girl best friend and that caused his depression to strike again. I cannot really afford to let him go. What should I do?
I went through the same thing. I can explain you what’s going on. Have u noticed your bf taking any pills or any weird behavior?
Hi Olga, I have noticed my bf taking pills (for pain), we got in a fight and broke up. We met up a couple of weeks later and I could tell that he was falling back into a depressive state but we agreed to take it slow. Three days later he’s telling me he’s seeing someone else. But I’m afraid he’s turning to pills and she is supplying them. I don’t know what to do. I’ve reached out to him and mostly he ignores me. He did open up once and said he needed time. Then I found out about this girlfriend and freaked out (mistakenly) and he flipped out on me cursing and telling me to leave him alone he found someone else and he is happy. I know this is not true. His facebook is full of depressive posts and I can just tell he’s not ok. I’ve reached out since then but radio silence for the last 5 days.
Hi Applepie.
You have to let him go or he will end up resenting you.
Work on your jealousy issues and think twice if you want to be with him long-term. He could get depressed again in the future and break up with you the second time.
Best,
Zan
I am going through this right now. He is so depressed that he feels guilty about not being good enough in the relationship but his fear is he will lose me. It is so strange, he wants me there, he just doesn’t want to have the stress of the relationship right now. I am devastated! We are still saying “I love you” and he kissed me yesterday. I am so lost and confused. I don’t want to give up on him!
Hi Dadbyday.
Stay strong and don’t push him to commit.
Give him space when he needs it and stay respectful as well.
Kind regards,
Zan
Dear Zan,
first of all, I’d like to thank you for this article.
My partner of (a little more than) a year and a half ended our relationship a month ago. I can’t say it came as a surprise, as he’s found himself in a very difficult situation. His career is in a dead end for a while now, and he is taking care of three family members who are all severely ill. Basically, his life revolves around three or four separate households and he neither has time nor the opportunity to do anything for himself. Also, he has been exhibiting signs of depression/anxiety, and I think it’s been going on for years, even decades.
I supported him 110 percent, talked to him constantly (he was the one who mostly initiated contact, I’d say the ratio was 70:30). It was hard at times, but I didn’t want to leave him stranded as I thought he needed me.
Then, suddenly, he started having guilty conscience over me, over us not being able to have a normal relationship since this situation of his could go on for years, and broke it off. He was also quite rude, as if we’ve never had anything meaningful. I was shocked and sad, but respected his decision and walked away as soon as I could. He wanted to hug me, I refused as it would break my heart even more. He wanted to maintain contact with me, I didn’t refuse, but didn’t agree either.
When I returned home that evening, I immediately packed the things he left at my place (a lot of things, mind you) and stored them away so I wouldn’t be reminded of him.
We haven’t contacted each other since we parted ways (30 days today). Perhaps I should contact him about his stuff (or mine, for that matter), but I feel that it’s not the right time.
Both of us are quite mature – late thirties and early forties. I hate to admit that I miss him terribly, and have a lot of mixed emotions – part of me wants him to contact me, part of me never wants to see or hear from him again.
Am I doing the right thing by not reaching out? Do you have any other insight/advice for me?
Thank you.
Hi Evdokia.
You’re doing the right thing by giving him the space he’s asked for. Luckily, he’s mature and didn’t hurt you more than he “needed” by breaking up with you. His rude side is a part of his breakup emotions which you swiftly avoided by walking away.
It’s too soon to ask for the things back Do so only if you absolutely need them. For now, give him all the time he needs and you will hear from him eventually. Until then, do as he is doing. Focus on yourself and try to become happy with yourself again. If he needs you or wants you, you will hear from him in the future.
Kind regards,
Zan
Dear Zan,
thank you. Given the situation, it’s nice to hear that I’m doing the right thing and it means a lot to me at the moment.
Take care!
E.